life is one hell of a ride, watching a series with E last night some show was calling someone in their early 40s old, and they were waxing poetic about never being too old to start over even when you're old..
and yeah... i'm old, we're old, but here we are, sure as hell beats the alternative.
on the old side I watched episode 3 of Old Enough to Know Better... because I really needed to hear a dude who is 36 complaining about being too old. or old enough to know better. I sure as FUCK thought I knew everything at that age, and oh wow was I fucking wrong as fuck about so much, but I did get lots right and the opinions that were not right were still coming from a place trying to help, so while maybe a bit off, still intentions haven't waivered.
Still trying to help... but then I guess no good deed goes unpunished. The bigger the gift of self the longer you have to suffer in torment maybe?
It has been one hell of a couple years.. so much loss..
So far I've done a good job at making sure I have more work to do next year. But then I can only get to what I can get to and if i take an extra break to drink a cup of coffee in my office and get some thoughts out of my head after watching a video, well... that works for me.
Maybe Omicron will peak in 2 weeks and everything will be 'normal' by mid-january.
Except, we all know nothing is ever going to be normal again.
Amor Fati Motherfuckers G
Also I like the idea of moving to Greenland with a bunch of Mountain bikes (dirt jumpers, DH, Enduro, XC, HT...) and a skid steer with both a bucket and a backhoe and just ride and build trails. There's gotta be some snow free space, and more and more soon, right? Also no people. Just bikes and riding bikes and making trails and oh, right, i'm old... fine I'll just make lots of easy trails but all different and just ride.
I'm looking at my strava year in review and looking at the mileage... so close to 5,000 miles... but while I was riding in I don't think I can close the gap and make that mark.
Hours are a bit down from last year. But then again I kind of had to do nothing for 3 weeks...But the Reddiyo program got me up pushing the time and effort lately. So there's some good stuff. And a big elevation peak at the beginning of August.
It has been an overwhelming week (last 7 days). But unknowns are falling into place and we'll all get through this... Everyone's boosted so we should be okay but it's gonna be tough with some mandatory travel. Maybe just stress but hey, the baseline is so high right now that every little bit matters.
Cold enough this morning that I wore the Wolfhammers. JF4-JF5 (Jens Factor, y'all remember the chart right?) Heavy as hell but warm as a ... um winter boot should be.
The intro here - inspirational and all and yeah... a reminder... Hopefully I can summon that level energy at the end of this week.
When you have an hour to sit and watch a music documentary check this out. One of these days I'll get to sit down and watch it start to finish instead of in bits and pieces.
I'm gonna work on harnessing that energy for the rest of the day and try and fit a week's work into two days.
or just a day with random shovels of poop flung in my direction that I can't dodge but at least can dance enough not to have to deal with it immediately, but no escaping needing to deal with it
Jake Wells brought that up way back in some video or another, at least that's how I remember it.
I keep coming back to it.
What does sponsorship mean regarding that.
Some of the best pro's don't win but you know them well.
How many races has Lachlan won? A lot for sure, but why are we drawn to that character of his? The winning side or the joy and engagement and for the inspiration and motivation he gives everyone?
In one Tweet Jake said "My hope is to inspire and motivate"
In this film lach has a few passages that stuck, first:
It's always measures of success, right?
Your own measures of success, other people's measures of success, your sponsors. I'm always like evaluating what that means.
As hard as it was to give up personal ambitions for the race, that ultimately led to a much more successful week.
If we'd stayed focused on chasing results, we would have missed the point totally.
How many miss the point totally?
And then this one, kind of unrelated but good and humble and words to guide one's life by:
You never think of yourself as an experienced rider because the years pass really quickly and youre like, oh wait i've been professional for like nearly 10 years.
I was always wary of people who would be always trying to give you advice because they are generally like people who are just trying to insert themself and make themself important.
SO I just try to lead by example, i guess.
And let me say this - when i've offered advice, my motivations are to help, not insert myself or for any self gain. I want to give you this to help you, unfortunately it is so rare, and for so long I was so bad at communicating this, and given it isn't normal, it is rarely well received. Hard to offer help.
So lately, a lot, i've held back.
not easy for me, and people struggle, but the reality is lots of people really just don't want to listen or learn, there's youtube videos on how to everything now, surely that's enough to get help from a stranger in your phone.
DAMNIT - i was all super inspired and positive until I hit that last bit... fucking hell...
Ah well.
planning on trying to watch this soon might be too mt bikey for most but i'm looking forward to it
slept pretty well last night. Went to bed well before 10pm, thought I was awake the whole time till i had to get rid of the water I'd consumed but it was midnight. Slept right up until the dog started barking at 7am.
I don't think I moved. Hard to tell if the lingering headache is just left over from not getting enough coffee or if it is something more dangerous. Aka covid. Am I tired from an emotionally and physically draining week? Or sick? When I felt okay this week, was I just at Peak Coffee?
Realized that I have been kind of slowly incrimentally upping the coffee consumption... probably masking the fatigue and then this morning waking up at 6 but then going back to sleep for a bit made me realize, yeah, maybe there's a bucket of fatigue hiding in there. certainly lots going on.
of course it could also be the omicron variant, who knows, currently deciding to lay low today, like last sunday. Need to finish the book, listening to the book. Kid already finished it, i'm only 1/3 of the way through Leviathan Falls.
It has been a rough week, maybe a good quarrantine will be what I need...
Since i need it i'm probably just tired not actually sick.
First cup of coffee is actually working wonders.
chemicals are amazing eh?
addictions are fabulously controlling
I know i sound a bit dark lately - i am but i'm okay, nothing to do really - work through it, nothing to change...
i was thinking maybe it would be a good day to head to the shop, but this enegry level and mental fatigue is a bit too much... i know i need some good mechanical therapy but maybe i can channel that by working on my bikes. The surly drive train is fucking abysmally trashed. Got it to skip once on Wednesday night. The chainring is def getting shark toothed and I think the freewheel is actually wearing a bit. The chain might be stretched a mile long. But if I'm taking all that out I should really do the bearings on the rear hub too, there is some play in there and I don't think an adjustement will fix it. But maybe.
But it is raining and the bike room has too many bikes in it to work in there so if anything I'll just gather freewheel and parts for the drivetrain. I have a big fat high tooth cog for the Surly, maybe it is time to stop riding to work at 50 rpm cadence when i'm taking it easy and if i need to go more than 15mph maybe i just need to spin like a crazy person.
there's also a big 4 hr ride tomorrow that i want to go do, a really bad idea but a great idea and a much needed something...
Refilled coffee, all set for a few more minutes.
Knee has been doing great though. occasionally if in the wrong angle for too long it gets achy but no longer functionally limiting, that's nice. Not fully back but best it has been since June.
And the new offset dropper post will be showing up next week. Exciting.
I'm not liking the fat face guy in the Dirtwire video, two options figure out how to drop the weight (been rock solid steady at 225 for a long time) or grow the beard back, white hairs and all. or both until i can get rid of the extra 20. It is only 10%, not a huge amount, you'd think i'd have it dialed and figured out by now, but yeah, no. But also maybe, could do both with the goal of shaving those white whiskers back off once i hit the mark.
Embrace being hungry again eh? Mostly just need to up the protein levels a little and cut back on calories. Extended fasts are great for somethings, not so much for me and weight lost. my body has gotten too good at slowing down.
I've been on a Leica Q2M binge reading reviews lately... not sure why, they all say the same thing, it is amazing, it is transformative and so sensitive and so sharp and so so different than shooting in color and making it black and white. Um yeah, i FUCKING KNOW... yet i still read what others say.
Scientific imaging, sensor size, speed, going from CCD to CMOS all the different ways to do it... the massive photon loss when using a bayer mask, someday maybe. Should have bout the camera instead of this shifty squishy bike. Of course I'm also thinking maybe I should have just gone for the Firefly Hardtail MTB as my 50th present to myself... others have done that... Can't think of any custom bike i'd like to have more than that at this moment. Build it up with a Fox 36 with 130-140mm, some of those Hayes Dominion T2s, White Industry cranks, wheels? that would be the question... 150-170mm dropper
shit i think i just caught myself dreaming...
of course it is about bikes... just like me dreaming about a Klein back in 1990-91...
i'd like to go off on CX Nats and how bad all that shit is that's going on there but, hey i'm not there and I'm sure they are trying as hard as they can but man, same problems as always, really good hard course for the pro's is not compatible with the AG races, and then packing too many races into the schedule, plus weather making it slower, all in all a totally predictable disaster.
How to fix it? Dunno. But if we're sticking with December maybe some of the racing needs to be at night, under the lights. I mean we all love racing CX at night, seriously, it is fucking fun as hell, if you haven't you should. Big time party booster too.
I'm sure someone will have a counter argument to that, even if the counter argument is "That's dumb" likley "too expensive"
Whatever.
Now i'm rambling and not getting the book listened too.
better close up - anyway - if you haven't seen it go watch
productive and shit but still, just plugging along
I think maybe i'm at the point where i'm not really all that tired, getting sleep and shit... nice change, still need to cut back on the coffee... but fuck it... whatever, it is all I got left
DKM dropped a new video today
Good as Gold
that's all i got been in my own head about my dad... it isn't helping much
Instead of letting all the bad news and dire predictions and desperate conditions and potential for really shitty stuff to come, oh and climate change, sort of roll off, or at least not sink in, be a dark fog but not really coalesce...
That shit is all additive right now, at least not exponentially.
I know what to do to get through, just keep getting through, i have a list of shit to get done, meetings, tasks, you know, stuff...
have to get through it, hour by hour day by day, eventually something will make a spark of that fucking shit and will feel good and build back up.
but right now?
it is less than good and I have to take a break from hanging out with internet friends, where they hang out, even if i feel like a fucking unwanted outsider most of the time there's enough history that it is familiar.
It was cold this morning on the ride in. Heart rate was below zone 1 (as defined by reddiyo) most of the whole ride.
I'm calm, not terribly tired, but sigh... not feeling it...
Finally getting the post CX season depression? I dunno...
Was awesome seeing that Gunnar S won, that guy is a fucking legend.
So many, so tough, how to we move forward other than just moving forward.
A memory of me and Shoogs at Ice Weasels at the Mental hospital venue in 2018 triggered a bunch of tears that morning. I went in and checked his last blog post, read it, and yeah both our dads were still around then. And I wound up sort of revisiting the differences, how one of the first things to go was his mobility, and his speech and communication side followed quickly. He was there inside, just too so much work to actually say anything.
And again I was reminded how fucking few photos there are of the two of us together. Most of them are me taking the photo, driving. Or something.
Yesterday I spent the morning at the Gallery space, really it is in memory of him, and I wish like hell he was still here to go through this show process with me, wish he was here to give me his thoughts and logic for collecting the samples, but that's lost. I just have his writing on the card I sent identifying each vial.
I'm excited about the show, it is bigger and more intense than any of the others. But it is the progression and I think everything i've learned doing the previous ones has helped.
My Dad would have turned 83 tomorrow.
Kid is working on trying to figure out her path. She's doing well, but you know she's my kid because her confidence and self doubt are pretty strong, it helps drive her but sometimes I think maybe it would be nice if she could see herself w/o seeing all her flaws. Granted I think you could probably say the same about me, then where would I be.
Not enough time to get on the scopes to redo some images, or tweak the settings on the new systems, but enough time to answer emails and watch this: https://www.redbull.com/int-en/films/progression and think about how we can make this place (planet) better for the young women in sport and in life. I mean it really is just this country's abject racism and sexism. You can be a nice person and still be both. I've seen far too many of those types of men. I'm working hard at not being that, it isn't easy, but I think it is possible for me and impossible for others. But then that is slipping down the slope of some bigger issues I really don't know how to solve. So I focus on those I can help, support, motivate... care for. And be an example...
of what? i dunno... Chatting with friends who's kids ride... it is honestly tough that neither of them have really pushed towards competitive bikes or just riding more than transport, but if it is just for transport, well... fuck it that's awesome.
Been thinking about what ifs lately too, yeah i know, bad idea... but what if I'd been able to quit drinking on the 2nd of January 2014? What then? Was as close to just closing my eyes forever at the start of that year, but somehow I didn't, but I don't think i had more than a few days sober between then and 2018... And here I am. Still. Trying. To. Figure. It. Out.
I've got lots of work to do. Everywhere, on everything. And I'm going to try not to finish lunch TOO early today. I'm out of emergency snacks.
Captain oblivious here, started reading Wandering Earth, Finished the Mountain and was like how the fuck are these two related and how is the author going to tie this in...
oh... it is a collection of stories, not a novel..
And since the 30th i've been refreshing the library for Leviathan Falls a couple (four) times a day... nothing, nothing, nothing...
middle of the workout... click refresh HOLY SHIT THERE IT IS
END LOAN on the W.E. (lots of people waiting, i'll come back to it at some point)
TIME FOR SOME END OF TIMES WRAP UP SHIT. I might even get through it before the final season shows up on the Amazon Prime thing.
Guess I should get ready for tomorrow, like eat after the workout... and find all my shit. Have to leave fucking EARLY tomorrow.
"Sure, it is a long drive, sign up for two races to make it worth while"
idiot... sigh... it'll be fun. Am NOT bringing the tent, i'll have too much stuff as it is with all the extra bikes and shit.
Can you imagine this song performed live with everyone singing and playing on the track? I am getting euphoric just thinking about it. Like. I'm laughing with joy just imaging it.
So yeah, it is the last track on the album. I listened to it start to finish.
I took today off, might start some laundry now. But will, absolutely, w/o question, cue this playlist up again. I keep meaning to buy the CD but what do I play it on. For now adblocker and YT works on the desktop/laptop.
Y'all have a great day. Ice Weasels is tomorrow. Last CX of the year for me. Racing twice. Still back and forth on taking one, two or three bikes. There's a ton of sand so the big 3" tires would be awesome, however the gearing is pretty light for a CX race and I'm NOT spending today fucking with it.
that big S streaming service that underpays artists but has an unrivaled catalog is doing the 2021 wrapped already...
Fuck December right? no one wants to know what you listen to this month... or something.
But it was a big year for music, a few huge bands dropped new music and a lot of it was insanely good. If you combine my listening of the new Mighty Mighty Bosstones album between Youtube, YoutubeMusic and spotify... well that's a fuck shit ton of on repeat of that album.
Remember when i found those two 10mm sockets? Yeah, I was listening to that album on repeat.
I mean when WASN'T I listening to it? Probably 24HOGG because i didn't listen to anything there.
This morning I fucked around on the S trying to figure a few things out - I don't use the mobile app just the desktop one and it is different. but also annoying because if you have the mobile on and the desktop it gets all fucked up and confused and yeah maybe only cause i have a free account.
Anyway... I looked for a few artists I wanted to listen to on Bandcamp, they weren't there so I just cued up C89.5 and boom it was New Wave with DJ Trent Von. And I got working and then went to get up to head down the hall for something and a remix of the Eurythmics Sweet Dreams came on and well... I sure as hell wasn't going anywhere till that song was done.
that song reminds me of Maryland in the summer. Spending a month at my Dad's house. We listened to the radio a bit and the summer of 1983 no one could get enough of that song. it was played all the time and no one got tired of it. Well I'm sure someone did but I didn't.
So now long after the day is pulled me thin and worn me out... I'm cuing up remix after remix.
And yeah. The OG from 83 sounds like a remix no? Hard to top that but some give it enough of a modern twist to make the song fresh or just a tiny bit better/different.
So far I like this one
But then, I haven't really found one I don't like. But there are too many to listen to and too much work to do.
Was here way too late getting shit sorted on the system upgrade. And then, well, meant I was home late and needed to make dinner, got that done at nearly 8pm... still hadn't done the workout... an hour, only an hour, but there was some hard z4 and z5 work and i knew that if i ate first it would be bad, but if I ate after that means eating cold food after 9pm and then trying to turn around and get some sleep... that has never worked out. The night before I got home a bit early, did the workout and then made dinner and it was good.
That whole athlete lifestyle is fucking elusive and 100% incompatible with my life. I guess maybe if someone else was making dinner every night or even some of the nights it could work to be more like that...
I'm also in a kind of funk... odd that the cloud has drifted back after so long. but not unexpected. Maybe getting out of here early and getting a workout in tonight will make a difference.
Probably not but worth a shot.
or not...
Fuck
Oh well, time to pull up the socks and head out the door. Had a nice headwind this morning, the tall gear on the SS Surly is perfect for tailwind days, not so much for headwinds. We'll see what is really out there (conflicting weather reports - could just be swirling winds or some other bullshit). If i leave right the fuck now i might beat the rain. But guessing that by the time I'm ready it'll be raining.
That's why there are fenders on the bike.
FUCK - replied to work email and the big green blob moved overhead between writing the last sentence, sending the email and returning here.
Amor Fati Motherfucker - at least maybe the bike path will be empty.
I should have maybe put in the ear buds and listened to a book, or music, to quiet the voices in my head.
But I didn't.
And the other part in that outside story:
it can be tough to date when you are trying to stay sober. “I mean, you can date other recovering alcoholics, but then you have two broken people,” he told me. He tried dating anyway, thinking he was solid enough in his sobriety that he could have water while whoever he was with sipped wine.
That didn't click until I was riding in, thinking about family, my dad...
and the realization that I've had more or less a lifetime of an example of how to be sober around people who were drinking.
My Dad was that example.
He lost his family, he was really close to losing his job, and probably his life, from all the alcohol. He was never sober. Columbia Beer and Old Crow. The cheapest of the cheap.
But later, at dinners with the in-laws or others and later while we were all drinking (my brothers), he was always cool and polite and comfortable while those around him consumed. Even taking pleasure in buying us beer when we visited. He always still knew where the best prices were and when to go.
And so this morning the ride in, that realization... my Dad had given me all the fucking tools I needed to survive as a sober person in a world that drinks and celebrates alcohol was too much.
And I'm back to blinking back tears.
reminding me of:
This story that got to me on monday. Not sure if it is paywalled or not, i was able to read it. in the most public setting and fortunately no one was around that I had to talk to or could witness my grief and sorrow after reading it.
Notice the common theme... the bike...
Since forever, I might suck as a racer, we've been over reasons why, mechanic brain, over developed sense of self preservation, too much other stress, not living like an athlete, genetic limitations, really shitty timing, injuries (rare but significant, knee in 2013, back 2021)... nothing but obstacles...
but in the face of all that... I still keep coming back to it.. and I'm grateful it is there for me
It is behind the Outside+ paywall but, well Resultsboy's marketing scheme got me to sign up for the full + membership so I can read it, but to honor the author I won't reproduce it. It is long.
It is about alcoholism, and bikes, and there's some tough stuff to read in there, but it is a good read and a story worthy of the time spent.
