Ten years.
Ten years ago I left Michigan, started here for a couple weeks, went back home to finialize and pack everything up and return with the whole family and our stuff following in a van.
Stayed at my Brother's house while his family was on vacation until our apartment on the East side in PVD was ready. Our stuff arrived. A small portion went into the apartment, the rest into a barn of dubious storage qualities.
And we started the new life. The oldest started school on a journey that has been worth every sacrifice.
2005 was a big change.
I've talked through the logic of the move, and wonder what might have been if we'd stayed, but it doesn't matter, we're here, and I'd do it all over again.
Paying rent and a mortgage for 10 months on one salary for 9 of those months fiscally burried us deep. Treading water for a long time, started getting worse, so I picked up second job and then 3rd jobs when they were availible. Sold my grandfather's Fly Rods that I had been hanging on to for years to pay for a bike. Sold wheels I won one year to pay for most of CX season. Some how we've miraculously made it work. Major events, car caught fire, got a dog, dog died. Kids kicking butt in school, survived braces on one, next one to come maybe. There have been major milestones, major lows. Friends have come, friends have gone, some are still there.
Life is a process. Life is what you live what you experience. I treasure my experiences. I value the painful ones. Well not when i have clinical PTSD emotional flashbacks. Funny thing is, I've always had them. Never as bad as this but I can look back now and see that it is just who I am.
Ten years.
Ten years ago (in a few months) I showed up at Roger Williams Park to watch the Cyclocross Nationals. I was starting to not be fat, but I wasn't fast. Never have been either. But 10 years ago now, 240# and the size 38 pants I had were getting tight and I couldn't ride any of my bikes in the drops and on some of them the tops were too low. By the next summer I was back to a 34, had no clothes that fit, and was barely 185# But that's beside the fact. Showing up at RWP for CX Nats reminded me about that sport I found late in Michigan, that I couldn't keep doing working at Central with that commute. But I found it again.
fates? who knows. If Nationals weren't here in PVD in '05 and '06 would I have found the NECX community?
It has been enormously challenging, I've screwed up a giant pile of times. I hopefully won't make the same mistakes again, Just when it feels like I'm getting a handle on things it all changes.
I do really like this job, it has been inordiantely stressful this year, these next two weeks are a bit intense looking at the schedule. But I'll hopefully get through it w/o a black cloud coming in and wrecking everything. But the job, I'm good at it, it is a job that I can tell people what they are doing wrong, explain why, and how to fix it and why to fix it and they'll listen. So that's a good thing.
The Leica that was new to me and so cool when I got here in the old building... has been taken apart. 10 years ago I moved into an office with Windows. Windows. I'd been in a basement my whole career up until that point. I had windows, it was amazing. Then 18 months later they moved me back into an office w/o windows and we moved the Leica. That year World's were in L'vull and I lost my heriloom mitten we moved the Leica again and got a new two photon scope. Today I moved it back out of that room to make room for the scope that is keeping me from going to the National Microscope conference in PDX next week. New scope day. Putting it together on Monday!
I had long hair 10 years ago... I have long hair again. A bit annoying in this heat but not too bad.
Just some thoughts... writing in a positive but reflective headspace for a change.
CX is coming and I'm not prepared. Gotta figure out what to do with the black blue, single speed it or get new drivetrain and rear der. Funny thing is a rear der isn't much more than a tensioner and that's the only way we're getting chain tension correct on this beast to go true SSCX. maybe Zip tie again. I looked at the Zanc series. can't make more than 4? at most? If that? And that's assuming I do the PVD one, 3 days in a row of racing is kind of brutal. But maybe just do it to have fun, who knows. Too early to figure that out (actually schedule just posted and i'm dissapointed, gone is the 40+ but added 35+ but no 45+ and oh well they gotta make some cash i guess, maybe i'll just race friday this year).
New old race wagon to be picked up soon, need to unload the old one (did quick search for conversion into vanagon, oof that's a ton of work, nothing straight forward and total pain and unreliable unless you can turn a wrench or have really good towing package and mechanic on standby).
Too many unknowns hanging out there. But they won't stay that way forever. gotta keep plugging on
heddwch
G
Thursday, July 30, 2015
Sunday, July 26, 2015
sunday musings
Cancer, a combination of Carolyn's article about the recent study, listening to the Radio Lab's podcast with Oliver Sacks after reading: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/07/26/opinion/my-periodic-table.html
take this spoiler to Carolyn's peice:
[quote]....It also challenges one of the biggest prevailing ideas about cancer: the analogy to a battle.
The study suggests "that equating treatment with hope is inappropriate," Charles Blanke and Erik Fromme wrote. "Even when oncologists communicate clearly about prognosis and are honest about the limitations of treatment, many patients feel immense pressure to continue treatment. Patients with end-stage cancer are encouraged by friends and family to keep fighting, but the battle analogy itself can portray the dying patient as a loser and should be discouraged."[/quote]
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2015/07/23/the-end-of-life-discussion-that-has-nothing-to-do-with-costs/
then to a friend's comment about his MIL's recent passing from lung cancer, and his frustration with the common phrasing "she lost the battle" wishing in place he could put in her obit "Fuck Cancer"
Lead to a moment of sunday afternoon reflection...
I've always found it odd to call it a fight. Waging war against a disease that originates outside of you, like a virus, bacterial infection, fungal infection, foreign host, that makes sense. But cancer is a war against yourself. A civil war, if it had to be classified.
I don't have an answer, I hate cancer, I hate how it has taken far too many people. But it does mental injustice to call it a battle when most can never win. Some can prolong the end, and arguably many forms if caught soon enough are treatable. But that doesn't mean those who make a full recovery are winners, they are lucky/fortunate, they didn't win a battle or a fight. And at the same time those who don't manage to send the errant cells and rapid uncontrolled proliferation packing are not losers, they didn't lose the fight to cancer.
I see how it can work that way, calling it a battle. but Battle in most modern societies demands fighting, and fighting often comes at a higher cost. Paid in quality of life, expense, pain. Medicine is pretty good, not perfect, but they are fairly competant at predicting outcomes, but also more prone to pushing end of term chemo that may make someone's last 6 months miserable with no change in outcome.
Like my friend Mark. For six months he endured monthly administrations of Chemo in a last ditch effort that was arguably completely wasted, the brain cancer had come back and spread and operation wasn't an option. Once a month isn't a big deal, but that's 6 weeks out of his last 6 months when he was too sick to do anything, in too much pain to do more than be confined to bed.
is it really a battle? is it really a war?
isn't there a better way to think/talk about it?
I don't have an answer, other than hopefully science can figure cancer out someday, figure out a way to treat it without killing the patient.
My opinion is pretty irrelevant, O vox in deserto
but it is mine, and i can share it here,
heddwch
G
take this spoiler to Carolyn's peice:
[quote]....It also challenges one of the biggest prevailing ideas about cancer: the analogy to a battle.
The study suggests "that equating treatment with hope is inappropriate," Charles Blanke and Erik Fromme wrote. "Even when oncologists communicate clearly about prognosis and are honest about the limitations of treatment, many patients feel immense pressure to continue treatment. Patients with end-stage cancer are encouraged by friends and family to keep fighting, but the battle analogy itself can portray the dying patient as a loser and should be discouraged."[/quote]
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2015/07/23/the-end-of-life-discussion-that-has-nothing-to-do-with-costs/
then to a friend's comment about his MIL's recent passing from lung cancer, and his frustration with the common phrasing "she lost the battle" wishing in place he could put in her obit "Fuck Cancer"
Lead to a moment of sunday afternoon reflection...
I've always found it odd to call it a fight. Waging war against a disease that originates outside of you, like a virus, bacterial infection, fungal infection, foreign host, that makes sense. But cancer is a war against yourself. A civil war, if it had to be classified.
I don't have an answer, I hate cancer, I hate how it has taken far too many people. But it does mental injustice to call it a battle when most can never win. Some can prolong the end, and arguably many forms if caught soon enough are treatable. But that doesn't mean those who make a full recovery are winners, they are lucky/fortunate, they didn't win a battle or a fight. And at the same time those who don't manage to send the errant cells and rapid uncontrolled proliferation packing are not losers, they didn't lose the fight to cancer.
I see how it can work that way, calling it a battle. but Battle in most modern societies demands fighting, and fighting often comes at a higher cost. Paid in quality of life, expense, pain. Medicine is pretty good, not perfect, but they are fairly competant at predicting outcomes, but also more prone to pushing end of term chemo that may make someone's last 6 months miserable with no change in outcome.
Like my friend Mark. For six months he endured monthly administrations of Chemo in a last ditch effort that was arguably completely wasted, the brain cancer had come back and spread and operation wasn't an option. Once a month isn't a big deal, but that's 6 weeks out of his last 6 months when he was too sick to do anything, in too much pain to do more than be confined to bed.
is it really a battle? is it really a war?
isn't there a better way to think/talk about it?
I don't have an answer, other than hopefully science can figure cancer out someday, figure out a way to treat it without killing the patient.
My opinion is pretty irrelevant, O vox in deserto
but it is mine, and i can share it here,
heddwch
G
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
reading the confusion and pain and everything away
hopefully reading will keep me from sending emails at night...
reading next book...
total LOL moment at this point:
Log Entry Sol 61
How come Aquaman can control whales? They're mammals! Makes no sense.
reading
pulling back
drinking a beer, wondering how to proceed.
Lost but encouraged at a botanist as a hero in a book/movie/blockbuster thing.
cooking dinner now
split focus
trying to find the balance
found some amazing powers of positivity in someone today, scares the crap out of me in some ways, relishes the boost in others. accepting the death certificate of the enthusiastic Ge Dub and finding only the who gives a shit left. but that's what getting older is like, right? I'm old.
a pause in making dinner prompted me to post... more specifically I'm reading while cooking and a line in the book (soon to be movie release) cemented the commentary.
i wish at times i had skin thicker than a gentically augmented armadillo
my brain, emotions, gordian knot... i mentioned that phrase to someone recently... seemingly resonating echoing and reverbarating and being more and more true with each bounce.
the one thing I'm realizing, there are an amazing amoutn of teathers keeping it together.. or holding it in place, or keeping it from exploding in a self destructive manner.
Life eh?
Welsh Dragons are f'n hard to figure out.... harder to subdue and kill...
heddwch
g
reading next book...
total LOL moment at this point:
Log Entry Sol 61
How come Aquaman can control whales? They're mammals! Makes no sense.
reading
pulling back
drinking a beer, wondering how to proceed.
Lost but encouraged at a botanist as a hero in a book/movie/blockbuster thing.
cooking dinner now
split focus
trying to find the balance
found some amazing powers of positivity in someone today, scares the crap out of me in some ways, relishes the boost in others. accepting the death certificate of the enthusiastic Ge Dub and finding only the who gives a shit left. but that's what getting older is like, right? I'm old.
a pause in making dinner prompted me to post... more specifically I'm reading while cooking and a line in the book (soon to be movie release) cemented the commentary.
i wish at times i had skin thicker than a gentically augmented armadillo
my brain, emotions, gordian knot... i mentioned that phrase to someone recently... seemingly resonating echoing and reverbarating and being more and more true with each bounce.
the one thing I'm realizing, there are an amazing amoutn of teathers keeping it together.. or holding it in place, or keeping it from exploding in a self destructive manner.
Life eh?
Welsh Dragons are f'n hard to figure out.... harder to subdue and kill...
heddwch
g
need a better filter
at least on nights when I have maybe that one extra beer adding to extra stress and all the rest
writing words that are not untrue, in that they reflected the moment and my thoughts and are me, but maybe shouldn't be said because while they may be felt and the emotions are real to me, they may only exist in my head.
the ever changing routine of the summer schedule has made it challenging to get anything done this week, and tough to really get any measurable riding. Maybe tomorrow will make some difference.
have to get through today, currently in the hurry up and wait, get everything ready. poised for the next burst of insanity and barely workable timing.
too many unknowns
too many days working, but days off, or days not working are so filled with catching up and other stuff they aren't feeling restful. vacation? needed, not going to happen. yeah. i need to let it go and just focus on what needs to happen for everyone around me.
seeing Kelrock yesterday drove home how little i'm able to focus on being prepared for the potential of CX season, drivetrain on the black blue, aka commuter, is now at the point where it is skipping under any torque spikes in many gears. Hasn't broken yet though. Not really rideable though I suppose, well nothing that can be used to train on. I've started putting the white blue together, but that's been stalled by just being too tired to do anything once I finally get dinner made and eaten. Maybe tonight.
It is what it is. cycles. some days lucid, some days insane, most days just feel like an endless maze...
heddwch
g
writing words that are not untrue, in that they reflected the moment and my thoughts and are me, but maybe shouldn't be said because while they may be felt and the emotions are real to me, they may only exist in my head.
the ever changing routine of the summer schedule has made it challenging to get anything done this week, and tough to really get any measurable riding. Maybe tomorrow will make some difference.
have to get through today, currently in the hurry up and wait, get everything ready. poised for the next burst of insanity and barely workable timing.
too many unknowns
too many days working, but days off, or days not working are so filled with catching up and other stuff they aren't feeling restful. vacation? needed, not going to happen. yeah. i need to let it go and just focus on what needs to happen for everyone around me.
seeing Kelrock yesterday drove home how little i'm able to focus on being prepared for the potential of CX season, drivetrain on the black blue, aka commuter, is now at the point where it is skipping under any torque spikes in many gears. Hasn't broken yet though. Not really rideable though I suppose, well nothing that can be used to train on. I've started putting the white blue together, but that's been stalled by just being too tired to do anything once I finally get dinner made and eaten. Maybe tonight.
It is what it is. cycles. some days lucid, some days insane, most days just feel like an endless maze...
heddwch
g
Monday, July 20, 2015
eating... thoughts on how to help people not be fat
So, in short it is an easy answer, eat mindful of insulin spikes relative to time of day and training load.
Less short: do high intensity training (sprints, 20/20s, 2x20 min) very early in the day when muscle glycogen stores are the highest from overnight, and avoid eating sugars (including whole grains, drink mix.. etc) before dinner (meaning low to no carb intake until the evening). Dinner you can allow a bit of extra leeway because muscle glycogen and fatty acid storage supplies (batteries) are low and you won't make it worse. Also boost of blood glucose will help with sleeping. Aka have beer with dinner.
Breakfast is the most important meal. But if you aren't hungry don't eat. If you are hungry: no carbs. egg, some nice grass fed cheese, slice tomato, some sausage or other sugar free meat (aka the big problem with bacon is it is pretty sweet), skip the toast, the potatoes, and the other baked stuff... (unless you're racing them fucking eat everything that morning). It is possible to eat a vegan breakfast that makes sense w/in these guidelines, but takes a bit more creativity (and lots of avocados) mmm yummy.
Eat when hungry not when need to, but if you don't spike the insulin when you eat you will actually use most of what you eat. Spiking insulin (in addition to overworking your pancreas and leading to Type 2 diabetes or insulin resistance -worse) spiking it turns on the body's mechanism that makes those calories you just ate inaccessible, aka they get stored for use later as fat, but if you are always spiking the insulin you'll never tap into them without a ton of work. And the more practical issue is you will be hungry sooner if you eat an insulin spiking breakfast because the food you ate isn't available to be used as fuel beacuse it has been stored as fat.
Getting to more ideal body weight is difficult, but not impossible, and once you're at the point where your body fat is down in the single digit range you can add more insulin foods more frequently, just keeping in mind satiation and everything else.
Downside to not getting enough protein (no need for more than 30grams at any meal) in the AM is you won't have the building blocks for hormone synthesis, muscle repair, and the rest of the stuff that happens when you're awake. Some of all that happens at night but: you wake up having depleted amino-acid reserves, but topped up glycogen reserves. So you need to restock the protein or your body is going to send hunger signals until you have what you need (adding to the hunger signals from the inslulin spike impact). IF you start the day with a bowl of cereal and OJ or a stack of pancakes and OJ (ALL THE JUICE) then you won't get the protein and you'll spike insulin and since glycogen is topped the sugar gets turned into sticky fats, and those are what lead to heart disease and fatness.
Dietary cholesterol has nothing to do with blood cholesterol levels, eating lots of grains/sugars/drinking juice and soda will elevate your bad cholesterol numbers, and yes - forget oatmeal (for breakfast at least, unless it is second breakfast on CXy race day).
Timing and Training play into it all obviously, it can even be pretty simple: Have pasta for dinner, use whole grains so it realeases a bit more slowly, have pancakeswaffles for dinner if you're really craving them. Just not for breakfast.
The paleo stuff is one thing but I think it is a bit too restrictive and misses the mark on a few things, but hits it pretty well on others.
Best resource right now: http://realmealrevolution.com/real-food-lists they sell stuff and are South African Based buuuuuut, on the money. Their guidelines are good.
Caveat: they don't take into account high intensity sprint training/racing. Those demand high glycogen fueling levels, but not carb loading level, just topped up. Eating zero carbs will be brilliant for your weight, but it will make you feel sluggish in CX (and CX style sprint training, but is a good reason to do the high intensity worksouts early in the morning with topped up muscle stores). Flip side: going zero carbs and being completely fat adapted is the absolute IDEAL for endurance cycling (3+ hours). No need for sugar, plenty of fuel to ride all day and all night. Marathon and Triathlons and stuff are well suited athlete for this, CX is sprinty, you generally need glycogen fueled fibers, so need a bit of sugar base, but eating it at night will top up stores w/o making more fatness/hunger a problem and leave you ready to crush it the next day.
Another point to add: variation. Switch it up, don't let the body get in a routine, work within the goals but throw some mis-direction. Long long ride on just coffee and water in the AM. Deplete the glycogen first thing and then take a nap, let your body figure out how to replace it w/o eating right away. Have some days when you have pasta for lunch AND dinner. Evening (before dinner) training races are a great time to add a lunch with rice or pasta or potatoes, making sure the glycogen is all topped up before the intensity. If the next day is a heavy training load refuel and replace the spent calories. If it is a rest day, just have a salad, or a meal heavy on veggies and light on everything else.
Getting to the target weight and staying there are different, but the effort and mindfullness to get there should form good habits that will help stay there.
Yes, I've said lots of negative judgemental comments about people and what they eat, I'm sorry, I just am really bad at being a human being most of the time. But I care, so I took an email and tweaked it and added to it a bit here. Actually toned down the language a bit.
Final point. Low glycemic index/high glycemic index foods: they are all bad because they are generally sugar based, and even the low GI will spike insulin (not as much, BUT if you're trying to keep from increasing the fat being stored, the goal is not to store anymore w/o burning it as a fuel source).
Helpful? Maybe not to anyone else but myself, but at least it is a start of a chapter in my cookbook (that will likely never getting written).
Less short: do high intensity training (sprints, 20/20s, 2x20 min) very early in the day when muscle glycogen stores are the highest from overnight, and avoid eating sugars (including whole grains, drink mix.. etc) before dinner (meaning low to no carb intake until the evening). Dinner you can allow a bit of extra leeway because muscle glycogen and fatty acid storage supplies (batteries) are low and you won't make it worse. Also boost of blood glucose will help with sleeping. Aka have beer with dinner.
Breakfast is the most important meal. But if you aren't hungry don't eat. If you are hungry: no carbs. egg, some nice grass fed cheese, slice tomato, some sausage or other sugar free meat (aka the big problem with bacon is it is pretty sweet), skip the toast, the potatoes, and the other baked stuff... (unless you're racing them fucking eat everything that morning). It is possible to eat a vegan breakfast that makes sense w/in these guidelines, but takes a bit more creativity (and lots of avocados) mmm yummy.
Eat when hungry not when need to, but if you don't spike the insulin when you eat you will actually use most of what you eat. Spiking insulin (in addition to overworking your pancreas and leading to Type 2 diabetes or insulin resistance -worse) spiking it turns on the body's mechanism that makes those calories you just ate inaccessible, aka they get stored for use later as fat, but if you are always spiking the insulin you'll never tap into them without a ton of work. And the more practical issue is you will be hungry sooner if you eat an insulin spiking breakfast because the food you ate isn't available to be used as fuel beacuse it has been stored as fat.
Getting to more ideal body weight is difficult, but not impossible, and once you're at the point where your body fat is down in the single digit range you can add more insulin foods more frequently, just keeping in mind satiation and everything else.
Downside to not getting enough protein (no need for more than 30grams at any meal) in the AM is you won't have the building blocks for hormone synthesis, muscle repair, and the rest of the stuff that happens when you're awake. Some of all that happens at night but: you wake up having depleted amino-acid reserves, but topped up glycogen reserves. So you need to restock the protein or your body is going to send hunger signals until you have what you need (adding to the hunger signals from the inslulin spike impact). IF you start the day with a bowl of cereal and OJ or a stack of pancakes and OJ (ALL THE JUICE) then you won't get the protein and you'll spike insulin and since glycogen is topped the sugar gets turned into sticky fats, and those are what lead to heart disease and fatness.
Dietary cholesterol has nothing to do with blood cholesterol levels, eating lots of grains/sugars/drinking juice and soda will elevate your bad cholesterol numbers, and yes - forget oatmeal (for breakfast at least, unless it is second breakfast on CXy race day).
Timing and Training play into it all obviously, it can even be pretty simple: Have pasta for dinner, use whole grains so it realeases a bit more slowly, have pancakeswaffles for dinner if you're really craving them. Just not for breakfast.
The paleo stuff is one thing but I think it is a bit too restrictive and misses the mark on a few things, but hits it pretty well on others.
Best resource right now: http://realmealrevolution.com/real-food-lists they sell stuff and are South African Based buuuuuut, on the money. Their guidelines are good.
Caveat: they don't take into account high intensity sprint training/racing. Those demand high glycogen fueling levels, but not carb loading level, just topped up. Eating zero carbs will be brilliant for your weight, but it will make you feel sluggish in CX (and CX style sprint training, but is a good reason to do the high intensity worksouts early in the morning with topped up muscle stores). Flip side: going zero carbs and being completely fat adapted is the absolute IDEAL for endurance cycling (3+ hours). No need for sugar, plenty of fuel to ride all day and all night. Marathon and Triathlons and stuff are well suited athlete for this, CX is sprinty, you generally need glycogen fueled fibers, so need a bit of sugar base, but eating it at night will top up stores w/o making more fatness/hunger a problem and leave you ready to crush it the next day.
Another point to add: variation. Switch it up, don't let the body get in a routine, work within the goals but throw some mis-direction. Long long ride on just coffee and water in the AM. Deplete the glycogen first thing and then take a nap, let your body figure out how to replace it w/o eating right away. Have some days when you have pasta for lunch AND dinner. Evening (before dinner) training races are a great time to add a lunch with rice or pasta or potatoes, making sure the glycogen is all topped up before the intensity. If the next day is a heavy training load refuel and replace the spent calories. If it is a rest day, just have a salad, or a meal heavy on veggies and light on everything else.
Getting to the target weight and staying there are different, but the effort and mindfullness to get there should form good habits that will help stay there.
Yes, I've said lots of negative judgemental comments about people and what they eat, I'm sorry, I just am really bad at being a human being most of the time. But I care, so I took an email and tweaked it and added to it a bit here. Actually toned down the language a bit.
Final point. Low glycemic index/high glycemic index foods: they are all bad because they are generally sugar based, and even the low GI will spike insulin (not as much, BUT if you're trying to keep from increasing the fat being stored, the goal is not to store anymore w/o burning it as a fuel source).
Helpful? Maybe not to anyone else but myself, but at least it is a start of a chapter in my cookbook (that will likely never getting written).
1Z TDI motor+transmission $2k OBO
1996 B4V Donor Shell and good motor, ~251k miles on engine and body.
timing belt done at 245,000
Starts perfectly, no smoke in summer, some smoke at start up in winter but no smoke once warm.
Clean running, smooth, and well maintained engine.
Comes with transmission and clutch that has less than 30k miles on it.
Wiring harness isn't great but it works.
Complete ECU, intercooler, intake, and exhaust pipes.
Body is fading due to NE salt cancer, engine is on a rolling test bed so to speak. Chasiss kind of barely passed Rhode Island's thorough inspection with some kneeling, and begging and promises of body work. It drives but, lets just say 1996 wasn't a good year for VW body steel and sodium chloride.
What it does need are the IP seals ($20 from Dieselgeek) and if you're going to use it as a project and have the chance to pull the bell housing off, a rear main seal is ready to be changed.
Other than that it is a smooth running, starts every time, engine. Head gasket re-done at 210k or so, downpipe replaced at 220-230k it is newish (good condition used part replaced rusted old one).
Injectors replaced with acceptably tested and vetted low mileage set. Have uninstalled new in box set of brand new fat boy Bosio injector nozzles available, and for the right deal a additional complete spare set of injectors.
Time to move on. It has a Rhode Island inspection tag valid until 6/16. It will go most anywhere, come and get it and drive it to your ideal rust free donor car (bring plates).
timing belt done at 245,000
Starts perfectly, no smoke in summer, some smoke at start up in winter but no smoke once warm.
Clean running, smooth, and well maintained engine.
Comes with transmission and clutch that has less than 30k miles on it.
Wiring harness isn't great but it works.
Complete ECU, intercooler, intake, and exhaust pipes.
Body is fading due to NE salt cancer, engine is on a rolling test bed so to speak. Chasiss kind of barely passed Rhode Island's thorough inspection with some kneeling, and begging and promises of body work. It drives but, lets just say 1996 wasn't a good year for VW body steel and sodium chloride.
What it does need are the IP seals ($20 from Dieselgeek) and if you're going to use it as a project and have the chance to pull the bell housing off, a rear main seal is ready to be changed.
Other than that it is a smooth running, starts every time, engine. Head gasket re-done at 210k or so, downpipe replaced at 220-230k it is newish (good condition used part replaced rusted old one).
Injectors replaced with acceptably tested and vetted low mileage set. Have uninstalled new in box set of brand new fat boy Bosio injector nozzles available, and for the right deal a additional complete spare set of injectors.
Time to move on. It has a Rhode Island inspection tag valid until 6/16. It will go most anywhere, come and get it and drive it to your ideal rust free donor car (bring plates).
Thursday, July 16, 2015
weird moments
when it clarifies...
mostly that it is clear most people don't understand what I'm saying or how I'm saying it or why or the motivations.
no i don't hate people I am frustrated with their potential they aren't realizing because they are following advice based on wrong theorys.
i know i fail in more ways than most do, not trying to put myself up as a measure against anyone. Tis the life of the recluse the awkward guy who's always staring and watching.
I was tipped off that people noticed that shit not until well into college. my sister said something to a friend while we were waiting to go into the opera with my mother. it was uncomfortable enough that i remember it vividly 20+ years later.
been thinking and not writing (and just being too busy to write)
i said it on twitter tonight...
it fits...
no one gets it - or gives me any more slack than enough to hang myself for being like that...
hate myself for seeing their failinngs of the people in light of their potential.
'the people' are wonderful and deserve love... the people who didn't give them knowledge or teach them correctly failed them.
but then those who come later who try and help, out of goodness of soul get pissed on by negative d'bags because it is funny.
THAT statement is just mine, a reactionary reflection.
People find different stuff funny, as funny as they find an attempt to help offensive. Or seemingly funnier.
Good Bad... it is what it is.
spent a while introspecting about it can't get it down coherently
obviously my thoughts are unformed and still a mess about all this, but thinking about it.
but then the time and space to think and reflect are absent enough to make this process drag on way too long...
but hey... i'm not one of the wealthy ones... i ain't got no money, no matter how hard I work. but i'm sure that reflects as badly on myself as my desire to try and help people reach their potential.
even if most people see my attempt to help as a negative put down, and a way i'm trying to position myself as superior which it is the furthest from.
hey people's perceptions are their perceptions improbably correct...
just trying to be helpering, but perception and perspective are more important than truth and intention
so f'it
maybe i have it out of my system and I can go another good handful of years w/o giving a shit about anyone else... if I didn't give a shit i would just be quiet.
I only point out ways to help and maybe improve if i care.
But of course manyof the good intentions are generally not undestrood that way.
And that's my fault. And I will bear the pain and shame of recognizing that my attempt to help just alienates and makes it worse. Add it to the malestrom in my head, won't make but a lick of difference unless i'm out of balance and feeling alone and ignored.
Those who critique my delivery are correct. I can divorce myself enough from my point of view to see their point but then I can also explain it so as to understand it but no one affords the chance to allow or listen to explaination, and if explainaintion happend before no one would listen anyway.so yeah
maybe web log has hit the point of peak no give a shit ness.
should go back to a year or two ago of just not f'n writing.
It is weird eh?
I think so.
If i could explain it totally maybe I could fix it.
But then stuff I can explain totally i can't fix so...
or if I try to help fix people i'm trying to help just inccorectly feel like i'm judging them and stuff...
goes back to something
the in person vs online persona...
being genuine in person and seeming like a total d'bag online, all coming down to how someone reads the face saying the worlds, how someone reacts to the body language...
or does that really not matter at all...
weird moments. feeling better, then crippled...
overcome, but can't stop and eventually recover from the stumble...
seeing stuff that makes others uncomfortable but now more self aware that i stand out
"the awkward creepy quiet guy in the corner staring at everyone"
i can't be anyone else but me, no matter how hard I've tried for too many years...
heddwch
G
live and delete, digital world may change between clicking 'publish' and tomorrow... but does it matter? nope.
--minor editing after reading it this morning after not sleeping last night--
mostly that it is clear most people don't understand what I'm saying or how I'm saying it or why or the motivations.
no i don't hate people I am frustrated with their potential they aren't realizing because they are following advice based on wrong theorys.
i know i fail in more ways than most do, not trying to put myself up as a measure against anyone. Tis the life of the recluse the awkward guy who's always staring and watching.
I was tipped off that people noticed that shit not until well into college. my sister said something to a friend while we were waiting to go into the opera with my mother. it was uncomfortable enough that i remember it vividly 20+ years later.
been thinking and not writing (and just being too busy to write)
i said it on twitter tonight...
it fits...
no one gets it - or gives me any more slack than enough to hang myself for being like that...
hate myself for seeing their failinngs of the people in light of their potential.
'the people' are wonderful and deserve love... the people who didn't give them knowledge or teach them correctly failed them.
but then those who come later who try and help, out of goodness of soul get pissed on by negative d'bags because it is funny.
THAT statement is just mine, a reactionary reflection.
People find different stuff funny, as funny as they find an attempt to help offensive. Or seemingly funnier.
Good Bad... it is what it is.
spent a while introspecting about it can't get it down coherently
obviously my thoughts are unformed and still a mess about all this, but thinking about it.
but then the time and space to think and reflect are absent enough to make this process drag on way too long...
but hey... i'm not one of the wealthy ones... i ain't got no money, no matter how hard I work. but i'm sure that reflects as badly on myself as my desire to try and help people reach their potential.
even if most people see my attempt to help as a negative put down, and a way i'm trying to position myself as superior which it is the furthest from.
hey people's perceptions are their perceptions improbably correct...
just trying to be helpering, but perception and perspective are more important than truth and intention
so f'it
maybe i have it out of my system and I can go another good handful of years w/o giving a shit about anyone else... if I didn't give a shit i would just be quiet.
I only point out ways to help and maybe improve if i care.
But of course manyof the good intentions are generally not undestrood that way.
And that's my fault. And I will bear the pain and shame of recognizing that my attempt to help just alienates and makes it worse. Add it to the malestrom in my head, won't make but a lick of difference unless i'm out of balance and feeling alone and ignored.
Those who critique my delivery are correct. I can divorce myself enough from my point of view to see their point but then I can also explain it so as to understand it but no one affords the chance to allow or listen to explaination, and if explainaintion happend before no one would listen anyway.so yeah
maybe web log has hit the point of peak no give a shit ness.
should go back to a year or two ago of just not f'n writing.
It is weird eh?
I think so.
If i could explain it totally maybe I could fix it.
But then stuff I can explain totally i can't fix so...
or if I try to help fix people i'm trying to help just inccorectly feel like i'm judging them and stuff...
goes back to something
the in person vs online persona...
being genuine in person and seeming like a total d'bag online, all coming down to how someone reads the face saying the worlds, how someone reacts to the body language...
or does that really not matter at all...
weird moments. feeling better, then crippled...
overcome, but can't stop and eventually recover from the stumble...
seeing stuff that makes others uncomfortable but now more self aware that i stand out
"the awkward creepy quiet guy in the corner staring at everyone"
i can't be anyone else but me, no matter how hard I've tried for too many years...
heddwch
G
live and delete, digital world may change between clicking 'publish' and tomorrow... but does it matter? nope.
--minor editing after reading it this morning after not sleeping last night--
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
dance between the rain drops
the weather has been unsettled here...
but on all the little trips by bike the worst was this AM getting a few drops on me.
made it to the job site down the road and back between thunderstorms.
timing more on everything other than paying attention to the radar.
currently awake, trying to wind down enough to sleep so i can wake up and be over at the job site at 6am...
tonight was "unload tools and stuff" "install ridge vents" and finally "put up the R13 on the walls and the R19 on the roof. Home owner clusterfuck addition needs some pro-level work.
I'm sure I screwed it up some how. I usually do. But I've screwed up less than some others i've watched people work with. Hopefully the GC is okay with the work i did. He left me there, but he's gonna be back at 4am, i'll probably try and head over to be there at 6 or so.
Early, but coming up with cash to replace the rusty race wagon doesn't happen all the time, must capitalize on the opportunity.
And no, Solobreak, no... I don't feel or think in any way i'm superior to anyone, A+ job at button pushing, F at demonstrating that you know me, other than I realize you're just pushing buttons. I would assume feeling superior would lead to confidence. How much do i have? Yeah. Okay. So. Observations, clarity in connections... are just that. Crystalization of the truth (and not some abject abstract distortion of what is called the truth... the truth) is motivating. I'm not perfect. Pretty sure I've never claimed to do anything right except chop an onion. Doing so much wrong, is a really good way to prevent, in any way, from feeling superior.
But comments? hell at least it was a comment. #winning
Or not.
Point being, catching that comment early yesterday had me worried about what i might have written and not realized, but then i read it and had no problems after a cup of coffee or two. I'm sure a copy editor would have a feild day but I don't find any problem with connotation in that post.
This one? i'll probably wake up and delete it wholesale
BUT break through - the four people still reading blogs: Solobreak, Blancosuave, Fatmarc, and Velocb.....
at least we have that identified... a couple of them actually still have web logs!
Tomorrow is gonna be fun... looks like working all three jobs, we do what we gotta do eh?
work work work... nose to the grindstone...
hewddch
G
but on all the little trips by bike the worst was this AM getting a few drops on me.
made it to the job site down the road and back between thunderstorms.
timing more on everything other than paying attention to the radar.
currently awake, trying to wind down enough to sleep so i can wake up and be over at the job site at 6am...
tonight was "unload tools and stuff" "install ridge vents" and finally "put up the R13 on the walls and the R19 on the roof. Home owner clusterfuck addition needs some pro-level work.
I'm sure I screwed it up some how. I usually do. But I've screwed up less than some others i've watched people work with. Hopefully the GC is okay with the work i did. He left me there, but he's gonna be back at 4am, i'll probably try and head over to be there at 6 or so.
Early, but coming up with cash to replace the rusty race wagon doesn't happen all the time, must capitalize on the opportunity.
And no, Solobreak, no... I don't feel or think in any way i'm superior to anyone, A+ job at button pushing, F at demonstrating that you know me, other than I realize you're just pushing buttons. I would assume feeling superior would lead to confidence. How much do i have? Yeah. Okay. So. Observations, clarity in connections... are just that. Crystalization of the truth (and not some abject abstract distortion of what is called the truth... the truth) is motivating. I'm not perfect. Pretty sure I've never claimed to do anything right except chop an onion. Doing so much wrong, is a really good way to prevent, in any way, from feeling superior.
But comments? hell at least it was a comment. #winning
Or not.
Point being, catching that comment early yesterday had me worried about what i might have written and not realized, but then i read it and had no problems after a cup of coffee or two. I'm sure a copy editor would have a feild day but I don't find any problem with connotation in that post.
This one? i'll probably wake up and delete it wholesale
BUT break through - the four people still reading blogs: Solobreak, Blancosuave, Fatmarc, and Velocb.....
at least we have that identified... a couple of them actually still have web logs!
Tomorrow is gonna be fun... looks like working all three jobs, we do what we gotta do eh?
work work work... nose to the grindstone...
hewddch
G
Monday, July 13, 2015
working on another post...
much in the vein of the last one about heat.
unsolicited advice always goes unheaded.
Solicited advice usually does too unless it is accompanied by transfer of dollar bills.
People love the 21 day challenge.
It is dumb, but better than some.
Hey lets get people to spend too much money on color coded plasticware. And give them a "plan" that helps, but makes them dependent on us because it is just good enough to work without actually telling them why and giving them the education to understand how f'n bad their food choices were.
Yeah Solobreak, it is a free country, people make their own choices. And if you're on the bike path down here, you'll notice the same people, out, every day. literally out there exercising everday, but still have an excessive body fat %. Doing everything everyone has told them to do. Get exercise, eat low fat, have a smoothie, oooh fruit smoothies are so goood for you, FRUIT! OMG HEALTHY.
fuuuuuuuuuck
There are a shit ton of processes going on in the body, king pin in cancer, and fatness, and the rest of the preventable diseases plauging people is insulin driven. That wee little componnd has the most incredible far reaching pathway, so complex people can easily ignore it or due to level of interaction often ignore it in favor of other stuff. Hey your insulin is wack, keep eating the garbage, here, what you were eating killed your pancreatic function so lets give you one of them insulin pumps.
Type 1 diabetes? genetically a raw deal you have every sympathy, Type 2? man why would you subject yourself to that and why would you want to pretend it isn't 100% reversable? Oh because there's way more of you than the T1 people, and the companies making insulin wouldn't have a shit ton more people to needlessly exploit if the T2 people suddenly stopped eating food that caused insulin sensitivity and resistance and T2....
Full picture, overall. Dannon group (progress i'm not picking on their NH subsidiary) sees massive profits with sugary and excessively sweet fat free yogurt products across all brand names. But hey, those sales drive the rise in waist lines, and ultimately T2. Pharma benefits, so yeah, everyone benefits except... those who wind up addicted.
Nothing new, nothing ground breaking, just one of those once you see it things, you can't unsee it.
yet no one seems to care enough yet.
unless they are monitized and set up to exploit for personal gain I mean make a living from it.
sorry almost got judgemental about people exploiting people's lack of education.
not almost i guess i did.
And then there's the Agave. FFS people. Lets make sugar in a more environmentally intensive manner and and end result no different from corn syrup. F'ck that shit. So dumb. So dumb. Dumb like road tubeless.
The only people who think road tubeless makes sense have only ridden them water filled garden hoses. I'll save that full rant for some other time. Okay that's not totally true. or not true at all but rings true, and makes sense. The same but different. Like eschewing sugars/grains/whole grains because you are on the 'paleo' diet, not because that category fucks with your insulin.
Yes. Peanuts are high in sugar. Womp womp.
Also, funny observation, the four bloggers that are left keep referencing their four readers. Are the four of us the only ones reading this stuff? Probably, and likely. Although a few emperical data points suggest that maybe there are more than four... not many more though here. I ain't got the reach or personability that FMvDB has.
Oh bacon. SUGAR. and fat and salt. SO much sugar used to cure it. So sad.
Bacon yummy but so sweet. And usually loaded with toxic salts. Oh well.
another different topic old topic but different but not really different.
Rambling to keep from anoying anyone directly. Seems to work although then everyone, i mean all four of the blog readers get to see it.
Disclaimer, I'm overwhelmed but surviving, not bad but damn so close to not good.
that said well anchored, the ropes are straining, the anchor chain could be longer but so thankful them anchors have solid purchase against these crazy tides.
heddwch
G
unsolicited advice always goes unheaded.
Solicited advice usually does too unless it is accompanied by transfer of dollar bills.
People love the 21 day challenge.
It is dumb, but better than some.
Hey lets get people to spend too much money on color coded plasticware. And give them a "plan" that helps, but makes them dependent on us because it is just good enough to work without actually telling them why and giving them the education to understand how f'n bad their food choices were.
Yeah Solobreak, it is a free country, people make their own choices. And if you're on the bike path down here, you'll notice the same people, out, every day. literally out there exercising everday, but still have an excessive body fat %. Doing everything everyone has told them to do. Get exercise, eat low fat, have a smoothie, oooh fruit smoothies are so goood for you, FRUIT! OMG HEALTHY.
fuuuuuuuuuck
There are a shit ton of processes going on in the body, king pin in cancer, and fatness, and the rest of the preventable diseases plauging people is insulin driven. That wee little componnd has the most incredible far reaching pathway, so complex people can easily ignore it or due to level of interaction often ignore it in favor of other stuff. Hey your insulin is wack, keep eating the garbage, here, what you were eating killed your pancreatic function so lets give you one of them insulin pumps.
Type 1 diabetes? genetically a raw deal you have every sympathy, Type 2? man why would you subject yourself to that and why would you want to pretend it isn't 100% reversable? Oh because there's way more of you than the T1 people, and the companies making insulin wouldn't have a shit ton more people to needlessly exploit if the T2 people suddenly stopped eating food that caused insulin sensitivity and resistance and T2....
Full picture, overall. Dannon group (progress i'm not picking on their NH subsidiary) sees massive profits with sugary and excessively sweet fat free yogurt products across all brand names. But hey, those sales drive the rise in waist lines, and ultimately T2. Pharma benefits, so yeah, everyone benefits except... those who wind up addicted.
Nothing new, nothing ground breaking, just one of those once you see it things, you can't unsee it.
yet no one seems to care enough yet.
unless they are monitized and set up to exploit for personal gain I mean make a living from it.
sorry almost got judgemental about people exploiting people's lack of education.
not almost i guess i did.
And then there's the Agave. FFS people. Lets make sugar in a more environmentally intensive manner and and end result no different from corn syrup. F'ck that shit. So dumb. So dumb. Dumb like road tubeless.
The only people who think road tubeless makes sense have only ridden them water filled garden hoses. I'll save that full rant for some other time. Okay that's not totally true. or not true at all but rings true, and makes sense. The same but different. Like eschewing sugars/grains/whole grains because you are on the 'paleo' diet, not because that category fucks with your insulin.
Yes. Peanuts are high in sugar. Womp womp.
Also, funny observation, the four bloggers that are left keep referencing their four readers. Are the four of us the only ones reading this stuff? Probably, and likely. Although a few emperical data points suggest that maybe there are more than four... not many more though here. I ain't got the reach or personability that FMvDB has.
Oh bacon. SUGAR. and fat and salt. SO much sugar used to cure it. So sad.
Bacon yummy but so sweet. And usually loaded with toxic salts. Oh well.
another different topic old topic but different but not really different.
Rambling to keep from anoying anyone directly. Seems to work although then everyone, i mean all four of the blog readers get to see it.
Disclaimer, I'm overwhelmed but surviving, not bad but damn so close to not good.
that said well anchored, the ropes are straining, the anchor chain could be longer but so thankful them anchors have solid purchase against these crazy tides.
heddwch
G
armchairing the barn burner
lots of people suffered in the heat.
lots of people melted
hopefully no one suffereed serious medical issues because of it...
racing in the heat is never easy. esp on the MTB when speeds are slower than on the road and you're often in the trees with less of a breeze or out on a trail/rock section with little direct shade but enough vegitation to keep the air still and hot. Freddie has remarked a few times how nice it is to ride the road when it gets really hot. At least there's some air moving.
Waterlogged... classic signs of everything everyone did wrong to prep for the heat.
So many things to deal with in the heat. Drinking water is actually the least important.
One small bottle of V8 juice would probably do everyone a hell of a lot more good than two or three liters of water or drink mix. V8/Tomato are one of the few beverages that are isotonic. Won't dehydrate you further when you drink it.
Even the hyper-hydration mix from Skractch is hypotonic. But that said until you hit the ultimate extreme your body can tolerate the difference. But those extremes mean different things for different people.
Your individual level of heat stress tolerance. I think core body temp is a much more important thing to focus on than hydration and drinking. The TTs are short but 20 min at max HRM in 100+F and sun isn't easy, but cooling down with ice before and most importantly after does more for recovery and reducing heat stress than drinking water. Hydrating with icey slurry can be helpful if you don't get a brain freeze.
Everyone is different. I deal with heat stress differently than most due to high surface area, that said my BMI is still no where near skinny, mostly due to leg mass, and I've found it is very difficult to cool the legs down, but it is still more important to cool the head and core body down than the legs. But once the legs are hot, the high muscle density and increased blood flow will continue to heat up the core unless you're actively shedding heat.
Hydration is imortant, salt tablets help make fluids coming in more isotonic, and many people swear by them, it makes it palatable to have a near isotonic solution in your stomach/intestines. Plenty of people can't even drink V8/tomato juice when they aren't at a cramping heatstroke level of fatigue/stress.
No I didn't do the barn burner, but I got up at 5am and was on the bike at 5:30. It wasn't that warm yet, but I carried two 22oz bottles of coffee, and uncharacteristically I stuffed a short waterbottle of water in an empty jersey pocket. When Bettridge got his flat I gave him a couple good handfuls of water out of that bottle to wash the stans off his hands. And I still had water left in it when I got home.
I still think most people drink too much, and the fear of dehydration is far less of a performance detrimint than coaches and "nutritionists" make it out to be. Core temp? that is scary, I know I do much better when I can lose the excess heat easily than when it just builds up.
Other factors that are critical to pay attention to when it is that hot out? clothing choices. Dark fabrics should be avoided. And fabrics that stay wet longer (dry more slowly) can provide a cooling benefit vs the better wickking stuff, but slower evaporation also means less cooling and more of a chance for the fabric to just get hot and make it worse.
One other factor people don't think so much about: sunscreen. And how coating up the body with it can impact the skin's ability to cool. Yes, skin cancer sucks, sun burns suck, but people have different reactions and successes with different products. Best to experiement and find one that allows full sweat potential and cooling.
The couple days leading up to an event are important, but not as critical if you are well adapted. Get a job working in the back of a building, one without any windows or doors in the back half and one w/o any AC. Spending 6-8 hours with sweat pouring in rivers off your back and down your asscrack is a good way to maximise sweat and get used to it. Or working on a roof, or putting up sheetrock in an old building w/o AC, that's always fun.
I know what works for me and, drinking a ton immediately after never works well. Or drinking a ton of hypotonic solution in the middle because i'm sweating a ton and am worried about dehydrating or I feel a headache coming on usually doesn't work/makes it worse. And scientifically makes sense.
Under non-stress conditions urine color can be helpful but after intense heat exercise there's a lot of bad shit being pumped into the blood stream that the kidneys have to filter out, and well... that can help mis-interpret unrine color as an indicator of hydration.
And that's the big problem. Hyponatremia has nearly identical symptoms as dehydration, except they are worse, far worse the further you go down the list:
Kind of like people eating a low fat diet following "advice" to avoid eggs and butter and saturated fats and eat sugary sweet fat free yogurt and be healthy. Skim milk for the win.
Heat adapt, watch what fluids you take in and how many, a bottle of ice water might actually do you a shit ton more good being dumped over your head than poured down your throat.
be safe, don't be dumb, have fun... stay cool
heddwch
G
lots of people melted
hopefully no one suffereed serious medical issues because of it...
racing in the heat is never easy. esp on the MTB when speeds are slower than on the road and you're often in the trees with less of a breeze or out on a trail/rock section with little direct shade but enough vegitation to keep the air still and hot. Freddie has remarked a few times how nice it is to ride the road when it gets really hot. At least there's some air moving.
Waterlogged... classic signs of everything everyone did wrong to prep for the heat.
So many things to deal with in the heat. Drinking water is actually the least important.
One small bottle of V8 juice would probably do everyone a hell of a lot more good than two or three liters of water or drink mix. V8/Tomato are one of the few beverages that are isotonic. Won't dehydrate you further when you drink it.
Even the hyper-hydration mix from Skractch is hypotonic. But that said until you hit the ultimate extreme your body can tolerate the difference. But those extremes mean different things for different people.
Your individual level of heat stress tolerance. I think core body temp is a much more important thing to focus on than hydration and drinking. The TTs are short but 20 min at max HRM in 100+F and sun isn't easy, but cooling down with ice before and most importantly after does more for recovery and reducing heat stress than drinking water. Hydrating with icey slurry can be helpful if you don't get a brain freeze.
Everyone is different. I deal with heat stress differently than most due to high surface area, that said my BMI is still no where near skinny, mostly due to leg mass, and I've found it is very difficult to cool the legs down, but it is still more important to cool the head and core body down than the legs. But once the legs are hot, the high muscle density and increased blood flow will continue to heat up the core unless you're actively shedding heat.
Hydration is imortant, salt tablets help make fluids coming in more isotonic, and many people swear by them, it makes it palatable to have a near isotonic solution in your stomach/intestines. Plenty of people can't even drink V8/tomato juice when they aren't at a cramping heatstroke level of fatigue/stress.
No I didn't do the barn burner, but I got up at 5am and was on the bike at 5:30. It wasn't that warm yet, but I carried two 22oz bottles of coffee, and uncharacteristically I stuffed a short waterbottle of water in an empty jersey pocket. When Bettridge got his flat I gave him a couple good handfuls of water out of that bottle to wash the stans off his hands. And I still had water left in it when I got home.
I still think most people drink too much, and the fear of dehydration is far less of a performance detrimint than coaches and "nutritionists" make it out to be. Core temp? that is scary, I know I do much better when I can lose the excess heat easily than when it just builds up.
Other factors that are critical to pay attention to when it is that hot out? clothing choices. Dark fabrics should be avoided. And fabrics that stay wet longer (dry more slowly) can provide a cooling benefit vs the better wickking stuff, but slower evaporation also means less cooling and more of a chance for the fabric to just get hot and make it worse.
One other factor people don't think so much about: sunscreen. And how coating up the body with it can impact the skin's ability to cool. Yes, skin cancer sucks, sun burns suck, but people have different reactions and successes with different products. Best to experiement and find one that allows full sweat potential and cooling.
The couple days leading up to an event are important, but not as critical if you are well adapted. Get a job working in the back of a building, one without any windows or doors in the back half and one w/o any AC. Spending 6-8 hours with sweat pouring in rivers off your back and down your asscrack is a good way to maximise sweat and get used to it. Or working on a roof, or putting up sheetrock in an old building w/o AC, that's always fun.
I know what works for me and, drinking a ton immediately after never works well. Or drinking a ton of hypotonic solution in the middle because i'm sweating a ton and am worried about dehydrating or I feel a headache coming on usually doesn't work/makes it worse. And scientifically makes sense.
Under non-stress conditions urine color can be helpful but after intense heat exercise there's a lot of bad shit being pumped into the blood stream that the kidneys have to filter out, and well... that can help mis-interpret unrine color as an indicator of hydration.
And that's the big problem. Hyponatremia has nearly identical symptoms as dehydration, except they are worse, far worse the further you go down the list:
Kind of like people eating a low fat diet following "advice" to avoid eggs and butter and saturated fats and eat sugary sweet fat free yogurt and be healthy. Skim milk for the win.
Heat adapt, watch what fluids you take in and how many, a bottle of ice water might actually do you a shit ton more good being dumped over your head than poured down your throat.
be safe, don't be dumb, have fun... stay cool
heddwch
G
Sunday, July 12, 2015
3 state Ride
Long ride.
Late night, little sleep (dogs barking at 3am, awake at 4 until 4:45, alarm at 5am), But hey I've got a day, stuff to do but I'm caught up on builds at the shop my brother is taking the day off so heck lets bump the mileage up this week with a little ride.
Brent (bentacol) set up this ride, a ride with Bettridge of double flat fame from the RdR. This route: http://www.brentacol.com/r/3state except we started from La Salle Bakery. Well they started there. I negotiated a 15 min delay so I could actually get there w/o waking up before 5. Although I was awake I probably should have just gotten up and left. But we'd pushed the start back a few.
Which was great because as it was I was hustling around for 25 min before I was able to get out the door.
Had to make coffee.
two long draw electric moka pot coffees. One per waterbottle, ice cubes and yeah. Coffee.
no food. grabbed emergency margarita blocks just to be safe, was tempted to dig into them but i held out, the sleeve is still sealed.
Wake up, make coffee, get on the Klein, go for a ride. 1 min late but they were patient and surprised it was only a minute late.
Headed out on that route (strava actual route i rode: https://www.strava.com/activities/344525911 ) and before too long (it seemed) we were on roads I'd ridden with James on the Longest Day ride. All the roads. The exact route.
Except we turned right and headed to mass instead of going left and into the Hospital and over to the North South Trail. That first big hill listed, Capron rd, I took in the little ring, but somehow something isn't right on the rear shifting and it was skipping. Not sure, maybe I grabbed the wrong chain or something's weird, or the cable tension keeps backing out. Dunno but it was almost un-rideable. I found a stable gear in the 42-19 though and climbed in that. After that? No more little ring.
And Buck hill in the 55x23 was not super easy. None of the hills were after that. I kept the 25 clean though.
Lots of high force, low cadence work. Legs feel TRASHED. In a good way.
No calories. Just on board internally. How many people set off on an 80+ mile ride w/o planning on eating or starting the day with fuel? I dunno, me? Factoring first the overnight glycogen top up, and an active focus on developing the fat burning energy pathway. The slow high force low cadence probably helped. I know if i'd taken some in I probably could have gone faster but then that would have meant more time waiting for Bettridge.
Who flatted his ROAD tubeless on Capron hill. I don't want tubeless road tires. Nope. No thanks. Give me my Durano Plus. If dave gets one more flat on a ride with me he'll tie with Becca, but on the plus side i didn't have to change any of David's flats. Or more descriptively dump out stans and put a tube in.
It was warm, but never too bad. Each hill was a flex of muscle as Brent went as hard as he could and I tried to stay with him or put him into more pain. I beat him on a few of them, even being overgeared. Contrast in opposites. Brent's not the biggest guy but he's not freak size, and here was the clydesdale freak climbing in a rediculously big gear being chased by a normal size human spinning a 34t middle ring.
Wound up with 83 on the clock, legs destroyed. Ate a Grillo's pickle wedge, took a shower with a UFO Big Squeeze. Got in bed, nearly fell asleep. Took the dogs for a walk with the girls to say hi to frank and nancy on the bike path handing out water, now time to get some stuff done here that I haven't been able to get to because i'm working every day all day and then destroyed when I get home, esp after I finish up making dinner.
Couldn't stop if I wanted to stop. But man it is nice riding on these roads. They are fantastic. So lucky. The Klein also rides so perfectly, fits so well, and my friends to ride with are all amazing people. Such a great morning, even if I'm just totally ready to keel over and pass out asleep.
Yes - with luck I'll have time to write up the big rides, taking these precious few minutes because I want to get it down and i can't move. hoping i can actually get out of the chair and start what I need to do.
Also. It is kind of warm today.
heddwch
G
Late night, little sleep (dogs barking at 3am, awake at 4 until 4:45, alarm at 5am), But hey I've got a day, stuff to do but I'm caught up on builds at the shop my brother is taking the day off so heck lets bump the mileage up this week with a little ride.
Brent (bentacol) set up this ride, a ride with Bettridge of double flat fame from the RdR. This route: http://www.brentacol.com/r/3state except we started from La Salle Bakery. Well they started there. I negotiated a 15 min delay so I could actually get there w/o waking up before 5. Although I was awake I probably should have just gotten up and left. But we'd pushed the start back a few.
Which was great because as it was I was hustling around for 25 min before I was able to get out the door.
Had to make coffee.
two long draw electric moka pot coffees. One per waterbottle, ice cubes and yeah. Coffee.
no food. grabbed emergency margarita blocks just to be safe, was tempted to dig into them but i held out, the sleeve is still sealed.
Wake up, make coffee, get on the Klein, go for a ride. 1 min late but they were patient and surprised it was only a minute late.
Headed out on that route (strava actual route i rode: https://www.strava.com/activities/344525911 ) and before too long (it seemed) we were on roads I'd ridden with James on the Longest Day ride. All the roads. The exact route.
Except we turned right and headed to mass instead of going left and into the Hospital and over to the North South Trail. That first big hill listed, Capron rd, I took in the little ring, but somehow something isn't right on the rear shifting and it was skipping. Not sure, maybe I grabbed the wrong chain or something's weird, or the cable tension keeps backing out. Dunno but it was almost un-rideable. I found a stable gear in the 42-19 though and climbed in that. After that? No more little ring.
And Buck hill in the 55x23 was not super easy. None of the hills were after that. I kept the 25 clean though.
Lots of high force, low cadence work. Legs feel TRASHED. In a good way.
No calories. Just on board internally. How many people set off on an 80+ mile ride w/o planning on eating or starting the day with fuel? I dunno, me? Factoring first the overnight glycogen top up, and an active focus on developing the fat burning energy pathway. The slow high force low cadence probably helped. I know if i'd taken some in I probably could have gone faster but then that would have meant more time waiting for Bettridge.
Who flatted his ROAD tubeless on Capron hill. I don't want tubeless road tires. Nope. No thanks. Give me my Durano Plus. If dave gets one more flat on a ride with me he'll tie with Becca, but on the plus side i didn't have to change any of David's flats. Or more descriptively dump out stans and put a tube in.
It was warm, but never too bad. Each hill was a flex of muscle as Brent went as hard as he could and I tried to stay with him or put him into more pain. I beat him on a few of them, even being overgeared. Contrast in opposites. Brent's not the biggest guy but he's not freak size, and here was the clydesdale freak climbing in a rediculously big gear being chased by a normal size human spinning a 34t middle ring.
Wound up with 83 on the clock, legs destroyed. Ate a Grillo's pickle wedge, took a shower with a UFO Big Squeeze. Got in bed, nearly fell asleep. Took the dogs for a walk with the girls to say hi to frank and nancy on the bike path handing out water, now time to get some stuff done here that I haven't been able to get to because i'm working every day all day and then destroyed when I get home, esp after I finish up making dinner.
Couldn't stop if I wanted to stop. But man it is nice riding on these roads. They are fantastic. So lucky. The Klein also rides so perfectly, fits so well, and my friends to ride with are all amazing people. Such a great morning, even if I'm just totally ready to keel over and pass out asleep.
Yes - with luck I'll have time to write up the big rides, taking these precious few minutes because I want to get it down and i can't move. hoping i can actually get out of the chair and start what I need to do.
Also. It is kind of warm today.
heddwch
G
Saturday, July 11, 2015
gear grinding
when someone starts blaming the obesity problem on lack of exercise and screen time and being inside.
not only is that pretty much completely wrong, it is dangersously wrong.
But how to approach and say "Hey you're an idiot, stop feeding the kids cereal, snacks, chips, soda, fat free yogurt, fill in the blank insulin spinking pop tart like stuff" without saying that?
Need to not care. I need to let the give a shit about shit and others and figure out how to turn off the empathy. But I can't it is me.
"HOME MADE HUMMUS IS AMAZING" yes, yes it is. super easy to make.
I buy dried garbanzo beans, soak them (they take a day+ to soak, usually I let them soak 2 days) then cook.
Once cooked and cooled, some Seasame King Roasted Tahini, lemon, freshly ground Cumin, extra hot cayenne pepper, lots of salt and a TON of garlic, some water, and lots of olive oil. Cuisinart food processor has kind of almost been relegated to hummus making only.
'bout the only time i use it.
Challenge with beans is they are loaded with enough sugar to cause an insulin spike, which is fine if you are in a glycogen depleted state and trying to recover, not so much if not.
It would be great if people we able to link insulin and obesity and weight control, but so much market capitalistic pressure to keep making money and exploit the confusion and keep people eating insulin spiking sugars.
You need topped up glycogen for CX, for any high intensity burst type exercise. You don't need if for the stroll down the bike path on your bike. You don't need a bunch of gu's or bottles full of sugar or fancy designer glucose polymers to pedal at the slow speed I'm seeing.
I see people regularly, on my bike path, overweight people. They are out there riding, exercising, probably more than I am.
but they are fat.
look at all the "vacation" type running races. Look at the Peach Tree, or any Disney race. People train intensly for them, they run a ton (even if they run really slowly) and yet, most of them can't get enough exercise to offset the peice of toast in the AM, or the bowl of cereal, or the fill in the blank food. Low/No fat. It goes beyond the problem of chemical shit storm.
Well beyond that problem.
Goes well beyond the aversion to red meat (ideal source of iron, ideal sorce of bio-active amino-acids that omnivore/carnivors are genetically predisposed to). Sure it is possible to be aware of this and make it work avoiding it. Replacing carbs with protein is stupid and as close to wrong as is sticking to a low fat diet. You are what your food eats.
Stuggle bus.
I mean, who cares, but I do care, and i watch people struggle, weight watchers, points, this diet, 21 day challenge, OMG THESE SPECIAL CONTAINERS ARE AMAZING, south beach, diet after diet with no success, but then, habits and behaviorially they are destroying themselves right out of the gate.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
You're MUCH better off skipping it than eating anything that will cause ANY spike in insulin. Low GI, High GI don't matter, even low glycemic index shit causes a response and any response winds up doing bad shit.
But yeah, i'm the opinionated dickhead here, always spouting off on something or other. #marginalize and #ignore....
no wonder i'm crazy
crazy enough to wake up stupid early and try and get a ride in tomorrow because I had such a low mileage week and i want to pedal....
crazy enough to write about it to get it out of my head and not give a shit that everyone can see I'm crazy?
crazy enough... kid came home with adzuki bean hummus report (was made to bring to potluck/party) RAVE REVIEWS #fuckyeah
Gotta get the 4 cups of garbanzo beans soaking here before the end of the night. Dinner making time first.
Lots of support for insane idea, from all camps but a very important one. Which kind of sucks. "Yes OMG TOTALLY WOULD BE PERFECT" from three people who I trust, who know me... and the final one "Really? why?" in the iworedettos vein 'le sigh'
Does writing help? one of the people I got overwhelming support for The Idea thinks so. I think so. I agree with FMVDB in that it is a process, helps sort shit out in my head. I could (and too often) have hair trigger reactions on twitter or FB but mostly I manage to restrain, pack it in, let it go, move on, let them have their fun or enjoy their misquided opinions based on whikked bad facts...
But then hummus makre, got in a good stab in the back, i've been going at it for 5 years+ talking about how amazing and how easy homemade hummus is... he finally got it. I suppose I should work on the optimistic side and be happy he realized it, even if it took this long. getting there is getting there. So maybe the knife wound is self inflicted? I should be supportive and encouraging despite the first reaction. That makes a shit ton more logical sense, but saddly my initial response/involuntary reaction isn't that.
Self inflicted would absolutely be GeWilli style though.
is there any other way?
heddwch
G
not only is that pretty much completely wrong, it is dangersously wrong.
But how to approach and say "Hey you're an idiot, stop feeding the kids cereal, snacks, chips, soda, fat free yogurt, fill in the blank insulin spinking pop tart like stuff" without saying that?
Need to not care. I need to let the give a shit about shit and others and figure out how to turn off the empathy. But I can't it is me.
"HOME MADE HUMMUS IS AMAZING" yes, yes it is. super easy to make.
I buy dried garbanzo beans, soak them (they take a day+ to soak, usually I let them soak 2 days) then cook.
Once cooked and cooled, some Seasame King Roasted Tahini, lemon, freshly ground Cumin, extra hot cayenne pepper, lots of salt and a TON of garlic, some water, and lots of olive oil. Cuisinart food processor has kind of almost been relegated to hummus making only.
'bout the only time i use it.
Challenge with beans is they are loaded with enough sugar to cause an insulin spike, which is fine if you are in a glycogen depleted state and trying to recover, not so much if not.
It would be great if people we able to link insulin and obesity and weight control, but so much market capitalistic pressure to keep making money and exploit the confusion and keep people eating insulin spiking sugars.
You need topped up glycogen for CX, for any high intensity burst type exercise. You don't need if for the stroll down the bike path on your bike. You don't need a bunch of gu's or bottles full of sugar or fancy designer glucose polymers to pedal at the slow speed I'm seeing.
I see people regularly, on my bike path, overweight people. They are out there riding, exercising, probably more than I am.
but they are fat.
look at all the "vacation" type running races. Look at the Peach Tree, or any Disney race. People train intensly for them, they run a ton (even if they run really slowly) and yet, most of them can't get enough exercise to offset the peice of toast in the AM, or the bowl of cereal, or the fill in the blank food. Low/No fat. It goes beyond the problem of chemical shit storm.
Well beyond that problem.
Goes well beyond the aversion to red meat (ideal source of iron, ideal sorce of bio-active amino-acids that omnivore/carnivors are genetically predisposed to). Sure it is possible to be aware of this and make it work avoiding it. Replacing carbs with protein is stupid and as close to wrong as is sticking to a low fat diet. You are what your food eats.
Stuggle bus.
I mean, who cares, but I do care, and i watch people struggle, weight watchers, points, this diet, 21 day challenge, OMG THESE SPECIAL CONTAINERS ARE AMAZING, south beach, diet after diet with no success, but then, habits and behaviorially they are destroying themselves right out of the gate.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
You're MUCH better off skipping it than eating anything that will cause ANY spike in insulin. Low GI, High GI don't matter, even low glycemic index shit causes a response and any response winds up doing bad shit.
But yeah, i'm the opinionated dickhead here, always spouting off on something or other. #marginalize and #ignore....
no wonder i'm crazy
crazy enough to wake up stupid early and try and get a ride in tomorrow because I had such a low mileage week and i want to pedal....
crazy enough to write about it to get it out of my head and not give a shit that everyone can see I'm crazy?
crazy enough... kid came home with adzuki bean hummus report (was made to bring to potluck/party) RAVE REVIEWS #fuckyeah
Gotta get the 4 cups of garbanzo beans soaking here before the end of the night. Dinner making time first.
Lots of support for insane idea, from all camps but a very important one. Which kind of sucks. "Yes OMG TOTALLY WOULD BE PERFECT" from three people who I trust, who know me... and the final one "Really? why?" in the iworedettos vein 'le sigh'
Does writing help? one of the people I got overwhelming support for The Idea thinks so. I think so. I agree with FMVDB in that it is a process, helps sort shit out in my head. I could (and too often) have hair trigger reactions on twitter or FB but mostly I manage to restrain, pack it in, let it go, move on, let them have their fun or enjoy their misquided opinions based on whikked bad facts...
But then hummus makre, got in a good stab in the back, i've been going at it for 5 years+ talking about how amazing and how easy homemade hummus is... he finally got it. I suppose I should work on the optimistic side and be happy he realized it, even if it took this long. getting there is getting there. So maybe the knife wound is self inflicted? I should be supportive and encouraging despite the first reaction. That makes a shit ton more logical sense, but saddly my initial response/involuntary reaction isn't that.
Self inflicted would absolutely be GeWilli style though.
is there any other way?
heddwch
G
Friday, July 10, 2015
rare... or exceptional
I'm a hyper-critical pain in the ass.
If you ask my opinion about anything chances are i'm going to find every f'n flaw and point it out and then i"ll feel bad because I'll also see that I caused some major pain in behing honest and observant and oblivously critical.
That's me, that's my life. Some how I find and see all the weak points. I should have been a structural engineer analyst #monetizethatshit but i'm not.
but sometimes there are exceptions, things where i can't find fault, no matter how hard I look for fault....
Firefly is one of those things.
Can't find fault.
Their bikes are perfect.
The three of them find this brilliant balance and deliver aethestic and creative and excutive perfection.
Not to take away from others with equal perfection like MikeyZ but there's something inspirationally intangible about what those three dudes have created.
and well... felt like saying as much.
Because why not.
heddwch
G
If you ask my opinion about anything chances are i'm going to find every f'n flaw and point it out and then i"ll feel bad because I'll also see that I caused some major pain in behing honest and observant and oblivously critical.
That's me, that's my life. Some how I find and see all the weak points. I should have been a structural engineer analyst #monetizethatshit but i'm not.
but sometimes there are exceptions, things where i can't find fault, no matter how hard I look for fault....
Firefly is one of those things.
Can't find fault.
Their bikes are perfect.
The three of them find this brilliant balance and deliver aethestic and creative and excutive perfection.
Not to take away from others with equal perfection like MikeyZ but there's something inspirationally intangible about what those three dudes have created.
and well... felt like saying as much.
Because why not.
heddwch
G
being so self aware is a curse
but sometimes it can be a blessing.
I've been meaning to talk with my good friend Deano for a while now. Float an insane idea past him, an idea that I had let slip a bit and let get out of the thinking/feeling me.
But email exchange last night about the team kit order and other stuff gave me an excuse to pick up the paperwork and we found an intersection in time and space that would facilitate an in person chat session, to catch up but float this idea past him.
An idea that last night I didn't realize how much power it held. An idea that kind of created a bit of a glow, some excitement.
Now, can I generate enough follow through, do I have the ability to figure out how to work through the loops and hoops to get it lined up?
I dunno but it would be worth trying, worth attempting. And just thinking about it has been worth it, that feeling, that self aware moment of glowing warmth at being happy.
Maybe that's my mojo, my driving force that fullfills me in a way I am missing, have always been missing?
We'll see. I have another idea/inspiration for the next cohesive Nanoscape collection. Need to get that going soon too, it will take a couple weeks before I can start working on it at the soonest but I'm flat out for the next month. Literally. I tried to keep one day open next week, maybe to go for a ride, to work with my Brother, or just take one day off. No dice. Oh well, not that upset by it, a wee but frustrated but hey it is what it is, it means more days off later. Like take every friday off in CXy season or something. Or heck maybe even take the day off and go to them Wed night races i've never seemed to be able to get to.
While I can't just flip a switch like some people, I can keep my head up and keep driving...
Now to push this all to the next level.
lots to do, way too much, but what else would I do if I didn't constantly have too much to do?
heddwch,
G
I've been meaning to talk with my good friend Deano for a while now. Float an insane idea past him, an idea that I had let slip a bit and let get out of the thinking/feeling me.
But email exchange last night about the team kit order and other stuff gave me an excuse to pick up the paperwork and we found an intersection in time and space that would facilitate an in person chat session, to catch up but float this idea past him.
An idea that last night I didn't realize how much power it held. An idea that kind of created a bit of a glow, some excitement.
Now, can I generate enough follow through, do I have the ability to figure out how to work through the loops and hoops to get it lined up?
I dunno but it would be worth trying, worth attempting. And just thinking about it has been worth it, that feeling, that self aware moment of glowing warmth at being happy.
Maybe that's my mojo, my driving force that fullfills me in a way I am missing, have always been missing?
We'll see. I have another idea/inspiration for the next cohesive Nanoscape collection. Need to get that going soon too, it will take a couple weeks before I can start working on it at the soonest but I'm flat out for the next month. Literally. I tried to keep one day open next week, maybe to go for a ride, to work with my Brother, or just take one day off. No dice. Oh well, not that upset by it, a wee but frustrated but hey it is what it is, it means more days off later. Like take every friday off in CXy season or something. Or heck maybe even take the day off and go to them Wed night races i've never seemed to be able to get to.
While I can't just flip a switch like some people, I can keep my head up and keep driving...
Now to push this all to the next level.
lots to do, way too much, but what else would I do if I didn't constantly have too much to do?
heddwch,
G
Thursday, July 09, 2015
head up, driving forward...
Start each day as if it is a clean slate.
Shed the baggage you brought along as the earth spins you away from the Sun.
Start the next day open to possibilities and hope you don't have something still stuck in your shoe from stepping deep into shit the day before.
FMVdB is right though, process, a documentation, and sort of a autocompleteing autobiography. And it helps. I read back through a bunch of the first entries here, confused by one, I must have changed the date to put it out of sight at the time? I dunno, but I sure as hell didn't write about being in New England and racing cross in 2004.
I've changed. Am changing I hope.
This morning I kind of want to label the mood and the pits of dispair almost a PTSD. Emotional PTSD. I'm not a clinical head shrink but i had a bit of clarity in the shower when the realization hit.
Reading the Surly blog post about Seth, didn't help much, and I agree that happiness is a state of mind, it isn't one that can be controlled by a flip of a switch. You can't just turn it on. Or off. "Snap out of it." Some people have success at it. Some fail completely. Obviosuly there's something missing, something that I can't either fix, get, figure out that is at the root cause of this spell. Enervated describes it pretty well.
Todd's been sharing this all day... I finally took a minute to watch it:
"breath in strength, breath out bullshit"
Effecitve? kind of.
I like that guy's At The Bar series. Funny and well done: http://www.jasonheadley.com/ATB.html
When you look around and see lots of people doing absolutely wrong things, and you're aware of it and aware they have no good reason for doing it or no idea that it is wrong... and you just have to keep quiet about it.... Is that worse than trying to explain to people you are close to what they are doing wrong and how to make changes and explain all the science and physiology and psycology behind it and have it all ignored to the detriment of their health? Probably a contributor to going crazy. Combine that with my being a good case study of why vacations are vitally important and needed.
But then sometimes something makes you laugh, and you feel a little lighter a bit better.
Like that.
Of course it faded over the 2 hrs since i watched it and haven't been able to close this out.
but maybe i'll find the motivation to push forward and get a good ride in tonight. Something more than the 1.5 mile ride from the car to office.
I keep reminding myself, this forced decrease is a good think. Let the legs recover a bit, freshen up after June, be ready for training load in August. maybe be more prepared for the CXy season. I'd contemplated pulling the plug, avoiding the costs, the time, the travel, but I know it would make me even more miserable, and it gives me a goal. But adds the pressure of finding more fitness than I started last year with. Mojo. where'd that mojo go.
Mojo or no... head up, driving forward... watching the matrix unfold, knowing i can only control the smallest of events... breath in some strength, breath out the bullshit
heddwch
G
Shed the baggage you brought along as the earth spins you away from the Sun.
Start the next day open to possibilities and hope you don't have something still stuck in your shoe from stepping deep into shit the day before.
FMVdB is right though, process, a documentation, and sort of a autocompleteing autobiography. And it helps. I read back through a bunch of the first entries here, confused by one, I must have changed the date to put it out of sight at the time? I dunno, but I sure as hell didn't write about being in New England and racing cross in 2004.
I've changed. Am changing I hope.
This morning I kind of want to label the mood and the pits of dispair almost a PTSD. Emotional PTSD. I'm not a clinical head shrink but i had a bit of clarity in the shower when the realization hit.
Reading the Surly blog post about Seth, didn't help much, and I agree that happiness is a state of mind, it isn't one that can be controlled by a flip of a switch. You can't just turn it on. Or off. "Snap out of it." Some people have success at it. Some fail completely. Obviosuly there's something missing, something that I can't either fix, get, figure out that is at the root cause of this spell. Enervated describes it pretty well.
Todd's been sharing this all day... I finally took a minute to watch it:
"breath in strength, breath out bullshit"
Effecitve? kind of.
I like that guy's At The Bar series. Funny and well done: http://www.jasonheadley.com/ATB.html
When you look around and see lots of people doing absolutely wrong things, and you're aware of it and aware they have no good reason for doing it or no idea that it is wrong... and you just have to keep quiet about it.... Is that worse than trying to explain to people you are close to what they are doing wrong and how to make changes and explain all the science and physiology and psycology behind it and have it all ignored to the detriment of their health? Probably a contributor to going crazy. Combine that with my being a good case study of why vacations are vitally important and needed.
But then sometimes something makes you laugh, and you feel a little lighter a bit better.
Like that.
Of course it faded over the 2 hrs since i watched it and haven't been able to close this out.
but maybe i'll find the motivation to push forward and get a good ride in tonight. Something more than the 1.5 mile ride from the car to office.
I keep reminding myself, this forced decrease is a good think. Let the legs recover a bit, freshen up after June, be ready for training load in August. maybe be more prepared for the CXy season. I'd contemplated pulling the plug, avoiding the costs, the time, the travel, but I know it would make me even more miserable, and it gives me a goal. But adds the pressure of finding more fitness than I started last year with. Mojo. where'd that mojo go.
Mojo or no... head up, driving forward... watching the matrix unfold, knowing i can only control the smallest of events... breath in some strength, breath out the bullshit
heddwch
G
comments and black holes
kind of funny,
i spent a bit of time in the car tonight, had to pick up my brother and his family from the airport.
good chance to drive around and think.
One line of thinking was that blog posts are kind of like posting a black hole, mostly lately esp.
Way back in them olden days we measured posts by views and comments, BSNYC more or less had a contest as to who could post first... a race for the bored and lonely. HEY I WON BY BEING FASTEST ON THE INTERNETS! Hey. I know someone who was so stoked by winning they couldn't stop talking about winning for MONTHS.
Got me thinking, big Thom's tweet (instead of comment) pushed the ball rolling... while people still write blog posts, people don't comment anymore, they make disconnected tweets, allude to contacts, or otherwise avoid directly interacting with a web log, because that's unclean and not fashionable now.
Thoughts while driving. Thinking. It isn't just now, it is years in the making, years in the building. Hell FFS i get a blog comment that covers the last half dozen+ posts on Strava, on a ride i didn't even bother naming "afternoon ride" IIRC. I have no idea who the person named in the comment is, but maybe it is a boston boxer? I'm sure solobreak will school me. i'm a punk ass kid, what the fuck do i know.
While this is all floating around in my head while i'm driving i'm thinking about something else.
Because i can't not think about shit. I can't.
I was thinking about the fact that i'm best at being told there is a problem, and finding a solution. I fix shit that's broken, i am really good at seeing problems and issues from many points of view and providing a myriad of options. Also the stubborness of not being defeated by machines. I'll keep going through logical progressions of shit until i can identify WHY they motherfuckingpeiceofshit is broken, OR until it stops being broken.
Today was a good example of that.
Got it working by sheer determination, was worried the streak on the old workhorse was about to end.
One variable at a time.
You can't fix shit with a shotgun. You need a sniper with a single round, bolt action, contemplate before the next shot. Did that solution work? yes, no. be honest, ego has nothing to do with this. fix? no fix? no fix? what's the next target. Stay focused until a solution is found.
So why can't i fix me as well as i can fix machines?
Very good question. Some asshole (not me, i'm not the last of the species and plenty of 'friends' who don't give a shit about me enough to care, plenty who do, and i'm just crafty enough to keep everyone off balance) probably wonders why i'm a basket case more than when I'm not. No answer.
It is late. very late. I'm awake. Can't sleep. So I'm writing here instead of tweeting, or FB'n, although no desire to post on FB, urge to bitch on twitter is strong, and worrysome.
But hey.
I'm tired. But wide awake. Tomorrow is going to suck, but I can't make it better. I'm seriously depressed about not having at least a week of vacation this summer, it is weighing heavily on me, but what can i do? Pretty much nothing. I can take a week off during holy week, but while that might be awesome, it is still a stupid ton of cash and a long way off.
heck i have an opportunity to 'upgrade' the vehicle, but i can't.
but i'll keep working. in the last three months, there have been two days I haven't been drawing salary or hourly, one of the days was the 4th of July (but i was working on the minivan -w/o success, guess i have to repalce the stupid expensive part afterall) and then sometime mid-may.
back to the black hole...
to some degree i don't care who reads, if anyone reads... google analytics is horrible, not a good measure, the other site i don't even check, that said the measure of social media success is in contacts and interactions, and with that measure this blog is a good reflection of me. No one interacts anymore. Okay Fatmarc broke down and commented on the Denali dog movie... that doesn't count.
But does it?
it is what it is, but still feels more like a black hole, a sensory deprivation chamber, than a social environment.
And maybe that's a good thing.
Probably a very good thing.
I often feel like I've spent the first 44/45 years as a loser, at one point I had deluded myself into thinking maybe I had a chance at winning but yeah, nope. The next chapter i'm sure will be just as dramatic, i can't avoid that shit, i don't expect that to change. but will i feel like writing to the black hole to document it as i have for the last 10+ years....
time will tell...
it always does...
heddcwh
G
i spent a bit of time in the car tonight, had to pick up my brother and his family from the airport.
good chance to drive around and think.
One line of thinking was that blog posts are kind of like posting a black hole, mostly lately esp.
Way back in them olden days we measured posts by views and comments, BSNYC more or less had a contest as to who could post first... a race for the bored and lonely. HEY I WON BY BEING FASTEST ON THE INTERNETS! Hey. I know someone who was so stoked by winning they couldn't stop talking about winning for MONTHS.
Got me thinking, big Thom's tweet (instead of comment) pushed the ball rolling... while people still write blog posts, people don't comment anymore, they make disconnected tweets, allude to contacts, or otherwise avoid directly interacting with a web log, because that's unclean and not fashionable now.
Thoughts while driving. Thinking. It isn't just now, it is years in the making, years in the building. Hell FFS i get a blog comment that covers the last half dozen+ posts on Strava, on a ride i didn't even bother naming "afternoon ride" IIRC. I have no idea who the person named in the comment is, but maybe it is a boston boxer? I'm sure solobreak will school me. i'm a punk ass kid, what the fuck do i know.
While this is all floating around in my head while i'm driving i'm thinking about something else.
Because i can't not think about shit. I can't.
I was thinking about the fact that i'm best at being told there is a problem, and finding a solution. I fix shit that's broken, i am really good at seeing problems and issues from many points of view and providing a myriad of options. Also the stubborness of not being defeated by machines. I'll keep going through logical progressions of shit until i can identify WHY they motherfuckingpeiceofshit is broken, OR until it stops being broken.
Today was a good example of that.
Got it working by sheer determination, was worried the streak on the old workhorse was about to end.
One variable at a time.
You can't fix shit with a shotgun. You need a sniper with a single round, bolt action, contemplate before the next shot. Did that solution work? yes, no. be honest, ego has nothing to do with this. fix? no fix? no fix? what's the next target. Stay focused until a solution is found.
So why can't i fix me as well as i can fix machines?
Very good question. Some asshole (not me, i'm not the last of the species and plenty of 'friends' who don't give a shit about me enough to care, plenty who do, and i'm just crafty enough to keep everyone off balance) probably wonders why i'm a basket case more than when I'm not. No answer.
It is late. very late. I'm awake. Can't sleep. So I'm writing here instead of tweeting, or FB'n, although no desire to post on FB, urge to bitch on twitter is strong, and worrysome.
But hey.
I'm tired. But wide awake. Tomorrow is going to suck, but I can't make it better. I'm seriously depressed about not having at least a week of vacation this summer, it is weighing heavily on me, but what can i do? Pretty much nothing. I can take a week off during holy week, but while that might be awesome, it is still a stupid ton of cash and a long way off.
heck i have an opportunity to 'upgrade' the vehicle, but i can't.
but i'll keep working. in the last three months, there have been two days I haven't been drawing salary or hourly, one of the days was the 4th of July (but i was working on the minivan -w/o success, guess i have to repalce the stupid expensive part afterall) and then sometime mid-may.
back to the black hole...
to some degree i don't care who reads, if anyone reads... google analytics is horrible, not a good measure, the other site i don't even check, that said the measure of social media success is in contacts and interactions, and with that measure this blog is a good reflection of me. No one interacts anymore. Okay Fatmarc broke down and commented on the Denali dog movie... that doesn't count.
But does it?
it is what it is, but still feels more like a black hole, a sensory deprivation chamber, than a social environment.
And maybe that's a good thing.
Probably a very good thing.
I often feel like I've spent the first 44/45 years as a loser, at one point I had deluded myself into thinking maybe I had a chance at winning but yeah, nope. The next chapter i'm sure will be just as dramatic, i can't avoid that shit, i don't expect that to change. but will i feel like writing to the black hole to document it as i have for the last 10+ years....
time will tell...
it always does...
heddcwh
G
Wednesday, July 08, 2015
Better words than I have
being pro is pro...
these are beautiful words.
http://www.gq.com/story/food-and-life
food... and life....
and cooking and sharing the creation of it with others
heddwch
G
these are beautiful words.
http://www.gq.com/story/food-and-life
food... and life....
So I settled in, between the filing cabinets and teetering stacks of paper, and we talked about the finer points of kitchen design: how he, at his Madison, Connecticut, home, had a wall made of reclaimed barnwood on which most of the pots, pans, and other implements he used hung within easy reach. How one should, of course, have a gas stove but opt for the consistency of an electric oven, preferably placed high on the wall, to avoid excessive bending. How, contrariwise, a side-by-side fridge and freezer is a waste of space and the freezer as bottom drawer is preferable. How most gadgets are useless and fail the Closet Test—i.e. that anything you stick in one will never be used. How there should be good light, good music, and a good view, if possible, and a place for your guests to perch to drink wine and watch you work.
and cooking and sharing the creation of it with others
heddwch
G
Eating your whole lunch at 10:15am
Is a super terrible idea, esp when there's no more food in the office.
Lots of great benefits here, but free and available food stuffs are not among them.
I had opened this window to write up the ride to the #CBL compound, deciding to write about the two big june riding adventures in reverse order.
I ate lunch, more of a brunch, not hungry anymore I opened this up to start writing. Then a busted laser, and two hours of emailing and scheduling and logistical shell game I decided to give up on this attempt but then to be old GeWilli style and blog about fucking everything, instead of making noise in other social media outlets.
I've been introspecting a shit ton and not writing about these realizations. Seems odd maybe to feel like you're finally finding yourself, but then not quite, or getting lost in some of that old fog.
Reflecting on leaders, how people work with people. Bike shop stuff mostly, my wife's job situation factors in there too. I'm an observer, I notice stuff, some stuff though I'm pretty damn oblivious unfortunately but then over the years I have realized I pick up on much more than most more than making up (if I can stay positive for 5 min) for what I miss. Maybe. Damn that was more like 5 seconds of being positive.
In the middle of everything I did some how wind up here: http://www.simplethingcalledlife.com/2015/leonard-nimoy-jfk-kennedy-cab/ reading that...
"But what do you think?"
As little as I feel I focus on me I realize I'm doing what I think i need to do, what I need to and rarely do I slow down to ask 'what do you think?' mostly because there's little communication beyond simple need level activities.
It leads into the leadership thing though. "What do you think?" Soliciting feedback, considering other's points of view are strong leadership tactics. You don't have to actually use their ideas, but different suggestions may help you see a solution in a new way.
not being very successful at staying on topic or on point or making any sense.
my bike commute is 1.5 miles right now. the car is acting a wee bit funny. and I'm hungry again.
and out of time...
and overwhelmed...
but visually looking at this prompts me to probably make myself late (but that's nothing new)
that's one of the bigger problems with social media stuff - there's little room for (by design?) and few behave on the "what do you think?" level, they are more "this is what you should think" or "this is what i think and if you dissagree i'm going to say something mean and sound like a bully and all my like minded friends that support me and also dissagree will back me up. Lets gang up on that guy who might actually have a point, a weak point, but still maybe valid, because yeah, thats what FB and stuff is for."
I'm making observations here, not judging, not singling out a single event, just condesing years of watching and observing and remembering...
oh and i haven't watched even a minute of the TDF coverage, first year ever that maybe I didn't see any Giro coverage, not one minute of it. Big reason was just being too busy, other reason, just don't care honestly. More excited to hear about stuff like Bradford did... even reading Ryan's blog about the 200 on 100... way more interesting. Can't really get excited about mt bikes though, sorry.
oh shit now i'm in trouble, time to fire up hyperspeed despite feeling suddenly really tired #oops
heddwch
G
Lots of great benefits here, but free and available food stuffs are not among them.
I had opened this window to write up the ride to the #CBL compound, deciding to write about the two big june riding adventures in reverse order.
I ate lunch, more of a brunch, not hungry anymore I opened this up to start writing. Then a busted laser, and two hours of emailing and scheduling and logistical shell game I decided to give up on this attempt but then to be old GeWilli style and blog about fucking everything, instead of making noise in other social media outlets.
I've been introspecting a shit ton and not writing about these realizations. Seems odd maybe to feel like you're finally finding yourself, but then not quite, or getting lost in some of that old fog.
Reflecting on leaders, how people work with people. Bike shop stuff mostly, my wife's job situation factors in there too. I'm an observer, I notice stuff, some stuff though I'm pretty damn oblivious unfortunately but then over the years I have realized I pick up on much more than most more than making up (if I can stay positive for 5 min) for what I miss. Maybe. Damn that was more like 5 seconds of being positive.
In the middle of everything I did some how wind up here: http://www.simplethingcalledlife.com/2015/leonard-nimoy-jfk-kennedy-cab/ reading that...
"But what do you think?"
As little as I feel I focus on me I realize I'm doing what I think i need to do, what I need to and rarely do I slow down to ask 'what do you think?' mostly because there's little communication beyond simple need level activities.
It leads into the leadership thing though. "What do you think?" Soliciting feedback, considering other's points of view are strong leadership tactics. You don't have to actually use their ideas, but different suggestions may help you see a solution in a new way.
not being very successful at staying on topic or on point or making any sense.
my bike commute is 1.5 miles right now. the car is acting a wee bit funny. and I'm hungry again.
and out of time...
and overwhelmed...
but visually looking at this prompts me to probably make myself late (but that's nothing new)
that's one of the bigger problems with social media stuff - there's little room for (by design?) and few behave on the "what do you think?" level, they are more "this is what you should think" or "this is what i think and if you dissagree i'm going to say something mean and sound like a bully and all my like minded friends that support me and also dissagree will back me up. Lets gang up on that guy who might actually have a point, a weak point, but still maybe valid, because yeah, thats what FB and stuff is for."
I'm making observations here, not judging, not singling out a single event, just condesing years of watching and observing and remembering...
oh and i haven't watched even a minute of the TDF coverage, first year ever that maybe I didn't see any Giro coverage, not one minute of it. Big reason was just being too busy, other reason, just don't care honestly. More excited to hear about stuff like Bradford did... even reading Ryan's blog about the 200 on 100... way more interesting. Can't really get excited about mt bikes though, sorry.
oh shit now i'm in trouble, time to fire up hyperspeed despite feeling suddenly really tired #oops
heddwch
G
Monday, July 06, 2015
oh twitter
so dumb, how do i count the ways... (it isn't dumb, it is just what it is, it is twitter, life facebook it has a purpose but it can feel unpleaseant and harsh and isolating although sometimes it can be the opposite)
how about I count in deleted tweets? I guess the tweets deleted AFTER careful crafting and composition to get the idea w/in 140... that got deleted... and more now, should have left as draft overnight i guess.
Yeah so i'm in a soured mood.
Accepting but dealing with but still soured mood.
DRIVING past the now open linear part bridge is painful. I get to do it pretty much for the next two weeks. Even if we ride in to summer intensive, we'd still ride past it and not use it.
Murphy's even more of an asshole than I am. And just ask everyone, that's almost impossible.
But it is what it is. July is stacking up to be the antithesis of June. 4 miles today? Maybe? Sure, that's kind of the opposite of 187 or so.
or 60...
not to mention the car is kind of not sounding good. The motor is solid. That I have a handle on. It is the rust and the bushings and the trailing arms and that stuff. Stuff that once you get to this point you kind of have to just take the tranny and the engine out and put it in a donor car (or can I dream and put it in a Vanagon?)
Okay the motor isn't solid - i need to replace the seals in the IP, and drop the tranny and replace the crank seal. IP seals much more likely. I've dropped the tranny before. It sucks on this car. That said the leaking fuel is helping to dissipate the oil drops. I'll fix it, don't worry, my list of shit i have to fix is long, but it isn't static, and sometimes I get to things on the list before they fail.
Life is fun eh?
opportunity to snag a brilliant replacement wagon for the rusty race wagon, will likely slip away because, well I just can't. Inconceivable to most but i have a few (very few) friends who get it.
This isn't the awesome write up about the insanely awesome ride with JLSCX, or the invaluable time seeing people I really care about in person at the CBL compound...
I'd love to say i'll get to that.
But i'm not getting to it tonight, and my normal web logging hours are screwed for a couple weeks...
also the realization of the impossibility of taking anything more than a day or two off for the next 3-6 months has settled in, and is almost inexpressible depressing. I don't need more depressing shit. My bikes and car are worse than scrap by any "average" standard, but fortunately life is best measured by standards that don't involve cars or material transportation devices.
I do remind myself that.... and it helps...
Others pursue material possesions... i'm different, and like I said last time, the only person who really needs to come to terms with who I am is me.
Working on it.
along with everything else...
Dinner is ready, girls are served, I suppose I should eat... food's important, esp when made by hand for those you love, and if there is any left over for yourself then that's not so bad. Right?
heddwch
G
how about I count in deleted tweets? I guess the tweets deleted AFTER careful crafting and composition to get the idea w/in 140... that got deleted... and more now, should have left as draft overnight i guess.
Yeah so i'm in a soured mood.
Accepting but dealing with but still soured mood.
DRIVING past the now open linear part bridge is painful. I get to do it pretty much for the next two weeks. Even if we ride in to summer intensive, we'd still ride past it and not use it.
Murphy's even more of an asshole than I am. And just ask everyone, that's almost impossible.
But it is what it is. July is stacking up to be the antithesis of June. 4 miles today? Maybe? Sure, that's kind of the opposite of 187 or so.
or 60...
not to mention the car is kind of not sounding good. The motor is solid. That I have a handle on. It is the rust and the bushings and the trailing arms and that stuff. Stuff that once you get to this point you kind of have to just take the tranny and the engine out and put it in a donor car (or can I dream and put it in a Vanagon?)
Okay the motor isn't solid - i need to replace the seals in the IP, and drop the tranny and replace the crank seal. IP seals much more likely. I've dropped the tranny before. It sucks on this car. That said the leaking fuel is helping to dissipate the oil drops. I'll fix it, don't worry, my list of shit i have to fix is long, but it isn't static, and sometimes I get to things on the list before they fail.
Life is fun eh?
opportunity to snag a brilliant replacement wagon for the rusty race wagon, will likely slip away because, well I just can't. Inconceivable to most but i have a few (very few) friends who get it.
This isn't the awesome write up about the insanely awesome ride with JLSCX, or the invaluable time seeing people I really care about in person at the CBL compound...
I'd love to say i'll get to that.
But i'm not getting to it tonight, and my normal web logging hours are screwed for a couple weeks...
also the realization of the impossibility of taking anything more than a day or two off for the next 3-6 months has settled in, and is almost inexpressible depressing. I don't need more depressing shit. My bikes and car are worse than scrap by any "average" standard, but fortunately life is best measured by standards that don't involve cars or material transportation devices.
I do remind myself that.... and it helps...
Others pursue material possesions... i'm different, and like I said last time, the only person who really needs to come to terms with who I am is me.
Working on it.
along with everything else...
Dinner is ready, girls are served, I suppose I should eat... food's important, esp when made by hand for those you love, and if there is any left over for yourself then that's not so bad. Right?
heddwch
G
Sunday, July 05, 2015
Zucchini Noodle Salad, gewilli style
I've seen a variation of this dish in a few places lately, idea in my head to try it... so
Picked up some extra Zucchinis (on sale) the other day and well why not for 4th of july dinner meal
it was very good, yeah linking a 'gram in here. horrors!
Ingredients:
cubanelle pepper
medium size onion
1 yellow squash
2 zucchini
First half the onion, peel and de-stem it, then slice into slivers GeWilli style. Put those in a medium size bowl and soak in cold water, drain and repeat two more times.
While soaking the onions dice the pepper into small cubes. you could use a red pepper for color, but the cubanelle adds the tiniest bit of heat and a varation of green that looks good (I probably would have put a red pepper in with it but I didn't have one on hand).
Drain the water from the onions, add the peppers to that bowl and then add some apple cider vinegar and some rice wine vinegar, a bit of salt and some dried oregano. Mix and let marinate.
Peel the squash and the zucchini with a veggie peeler of if you're lucky a mandolin would work nicely for this. Goal is to make thin ribbons. Peeling and rotating after three or four ribbons seems to work. The seeded section of the yellow squash was not used (it was fed to the guinea pig).
These went into a larger bowl. Once all peeled I poured a tablespoon or three of extra virgin olive oil over the ribbons of zucchini and gently coated them all.
Just before serving I put the onion pepper vinegar mix in with the wide thin ribbons. And gently tossed it together. Added some black pepper, and a bit of balsalmic vinegar.
Fresh, light, very yum. Went well with the dry rub charcoal grilled chicken thighs covered in some smokey mesquite BBQ sauce for dinner.
Picked up some extra Zucchinis (on sale) the other day and well why not for 4th of july dinner meal
it was very good, yeah linking a 'gram in here. horrors!
Ingredients:
cubanelle pepper
medium size onion
1 yellow squash
2 zucchini
First half the onion, peel and de-stem it, then slice into slivers GeWilli style. Put those in a medium size bowl and soak in cold water, drain and repeat two more times.
While soaking the onions dice the pepper into small cubes. you could use a red pepper for color, but the cubanelle adds the tiniest bit of heat and a varation of green that looks good (I probably would have put a red pepper in with it but I didn't have one on hand).
Drain the water from the onions, add the peppers to that bowl and then add some apple cider vinegar and some rice wine vinegar, a bit of salt and some dried oregano. Mix and let marinate.
Peel the squash and the zucchini with a veggie peeler of if you're lucky a mandolin would work nicely for this. Goal is to make thin ribbons. Peeling and rotating after three or four ribbons seems to work. The seeded section of the yellow squash was not used (it was fed to the guinea pig).
These went into a larger bowl. Once all peeled I poured a tablespoon or three of extra virgin olive oil over the ribbons of zucchini and gently coated them all.
Just before serving I put the onion pepper vinegar mix in with the wide thin ribbons. And gently tossed it together. Added some black pepper, and a bit of balsalmic vinegar.
Fresh, light, very yum. Went well with the dry rub charcoal grilled chicken thighs covered in some smokey mesquite BBQ sauce for dinner.
Saturday, July 04, 2015
so far behind
yet not so much...
in web log world? yeah I'm a disaster, weeks behind.
Hugest shit to write up. JLSCX and me and pedaling and Abel and pedaling and Chip and people and stuff...
I've said it other places but realizing and recognizing it hasn't been easy, isn't easy, won't ever be... what it easy?
easy for who? it is easy to make life easy when you only factor one variable: yourself.
Lots of people argue that focusing on yourself should be the first and most important priority.
Seems wrong to me.
Seems exploitive and is far to easy to hurt others w/o guilt or emotional penalty.
::I'm learning to live with who I am, figuring out how to leverage what I do best, and what I suck at and balance the two into being okay with me. And that's always been my challenge. Me. not others, me dealing with me.::
I've known it for a while, taken too long to recognize it. and to vocalize it and accept it.
I have to be me first.
But in being me, I still have to live with me, and honestly that does put pretty much everyone i care and can help squarely ahead of me on the priority list.
Anyway...
this week's challenge, get everything accomplished. A very compressed week. After an extremely stressful month, in both the TSS and work TSS and emotional TSS and every other thing you can measure... btw what the fuck does TSS mean?
The month of June started off great, got fucking derailed hard, rebounded and then I just physically destroyed myself working three jobs, riding 187 miles with James (this wasn't no lame ass sissy lets ride on the same road for 300km, this was a nagivational nightmare, an unfamiliar route, and done by a couple old 45+ master dudes), then THEN I had to cover for my brother at his remodel job, deal with increasing work stress, keep the weekly wed Night ride going and then of course I had a moronicly stupid but equally awesome and special idea to ride up to Abel's going away party/bbq at Chip's place.
Not just ride there, ride there, sleep on the CBL guest couch, then ride back to WORK the next day.
I got home from that, and knew i'd pushed too far.
The month was a success: 30 days or riding, I was in good spirits at the end of the month, the evil that had poisoned me had been dealt with and released... moving in positive direction.
But....
I.
was.
completely.
burnt.
out.
Maybe because I'm getting old but I kind of have this sneaking suspicion that looking back, that would have had a similar impact on all but maybe two people I know.
Flip side: I had made it through June and survived.
Downside? I had a shit ton of stuff to do this week: build bikes, because dude I need the cash. fix Fox's bike because he asked me to and well... yeah have to. Fix wife's minivan/daily driver. Find time for me to recover and be able to survive.
Work this week was insane. Short week made shorter by my bits of pedaling, but even shorter by other things that belong in the story the ride not here.
Work being insane means more that it is a nightmare of juggling schedules and demands. where does it all fit in? Well in three hours I managed to pretty much ensure I'm not getting anything I need to get done next week besides get people up to speed on the scopes they want to use. And that also means NOT getting about as many people up to speed as they want, or express that they want. Too many of them are "I NEED TRAINING NOW" and then don't use it for weeks if at all. I'm getting better at sniffing them out but it still happens, and as crazy as it is now, the fear of it being a bigger problem is haunting me a bit.
Procedural stuff right? Job. Get Paid. This is what I'm good at... in theory at least. One of the things.
In the end, I've fixed the minivan (I hope, maybe maybe not) Fox's bike is almost ready to crush it (almost in that I need to remember to see if I have a pulley bushing that isn't in his lower jockey wheel and is causing problems) but every thing else is done, shop? I have bikes to build tomorrow. That's the last peice of get it all done.
I haven't written about the most amazing ride with James, and trust me, even if i don't write about it... amazing, it was one of those transformative moments in many ways. Abel's ride/party/those people. Must comment. Must comment how much I realize how valuable actually seeing people in person is. How emotional and raw and deep the connection is. This daily talking thing on the internet, or even occasional talking thing, means nothing. We're f'n Human. In person is what matters. That's what is important. That is where the real power lies and will always remain. And it was the most positive and powerful reminder two weeks in a row.
Haven't done a pile of other stuff. But reflecting today after pulling the EGR valve, cleaning the EGR pipe and the valve, riding to get new gaskets, getting Fox's bike finished. Stuff I had to do. To fix the minivan and the EGR I had to ride to TFGreen. That's a shitty ass ride. And not a short one. But I did it.
Stopped to help a mom riding with her boys, one of the bikes couldn't keep the chain on. Chain too loose, single speed coaster brake. I fixed it and helped her understand what she needed to to to make it work, she was grateful, but it was simple, I helped, and rode away to get the van.
"Do You Need Help?" I've asked it a handful of times lately riding. That incident with the chain was one of the few lately that someone didn't say "No" or other decline....
I got most everything done. Still lots left to do. Crazy amount to do but i got what i needed to get done in this window accomplished. Granted there's too much left to do and I should have been doing something other than sleeping and reading and recovering when I wasn't doing the rest. But.
It was needed. If I hadn't slowed down and read. Hadn't not done a few things. I'd have been without the energy or forces to do what was needed.
Next couple/three weeks look like hell. But ah whatever. so what if I got a pretty crappy raise this year, it is still better than the years I got nothing.
CX is coming. Soon.
And I can't wait, but I can wait. It will be here when it is here. I'm trying to convert the black blue into a single speed but there's no BB30-english 68mm exccentric that I can find. Soooo that leaves tensioner. The state of my bikes is another insane question, but you know, they work. I want to see what the failure point is. I found it on the Giant, so yes i have one compeltely dead and useless frame I can't warranty, My other two CX bikes are unwarranteeable because they are from some dead company. So when they break, done. Like the ebay Giant.
Very much rambling. Fireworks going off. The dogs are freaked out. Yay 'murica!
Gonna read for a while now, fall asleep, wake up and go to work. and do everything else i need to do tomorrow which is a growing list of near-impossible.
There are words in my head that want to come out. Driving this whole mess honestly. But best to let those feelings be lost, that motivation slip off into forgotten land, harness the drive but not acknowledge the negative bitter fuel behind the motivation.
That's me. that's my burden. the manifestation of emotional pain. I internalize so much, feel too much, but at the same time am the biggest asshole anyone will ever meet. But then I guess does that make me one of the nicest assholes anyone will ever meet? Nothing I care to worry about but do occasionally think about. Not a crown or title i'm looking for.
I'm me. I'm a fucking enigma. Destined to really be alone, not wanting to be but knowing it is best that way, but not alone in the sense that i've made some amazing friends who, each and every one I'm grateful for. I realize that i can go years w/o seeing someone and not dimish the feeling of comradarie... not unique to me, but a cool human quirk.
Definitely rambling now, but then I guess this is better than drinking and sending dronk emails. Not that I'm dronk but hey 4th of July, shouldn't I be? It would be the murican way! No, I'm writing and reading and cooking and keeping busy.
Soon I'll write up the big rides. I don't think I'm making it to Diamond hill. Too far away. Too much work to be done, too many compounding logistics no matter how much I want to ride a Santa Cruz that fits me.
heddwch
G
in web log world? yeah I'm a disaster, weeks behind.
Hugest shit to write up. JLSCX and me and pedaling and Abel and pedaling and Chip and people and stuff...
I've said it other places but realizing and recognizing it hasn't been easy, isn't easy, won't ever be... what it easy?
easy for who? it is easy to make life easy when you only factor one variable: yourself.
Lots of people argue that focusing on yourself should be the first and most important priority.
Seems wrong to me.
Seems exploitive and is far to easy to hurt others w/o guilt or emotional penalty.
::I'm learning to live with who I am, figuring out how to leverage what I do best, and what I suck at and balance the two into being okay with me. And that's always been my challenge. Me. not others, me dealing with me.::
I've known it for a while, taken too long to recognize it. and to vocalize it and accept it.
I have to be me first.
But in being me, I still have to live with me, and honestly that does put pretty much everyone i care and can help squarely ahead of me on the priority list.
Anyway...
this week's challenge, get everything accomplished. A very compressed week. After an extremely stressful month, in both the TSS and work TSS and emotional TSS and every other thing you can measure... btw what the fuck does TSS mean?
The month of June started off great, got fucking derailed hard, rebounded and then I just physically destroyed myself working three jobs, riding 187 miles with James (this wasn't no lame ass sissy lets ride on the same road for 300km, this was a nagivational nightmare, an unfamiliar route, and done by a couple old 45+ master dudes), then THEN I had to cover for my brother at his remodel job, deal with increasing work stress, keep the weekly wed Night ride going and then of course I had a moronicly stupid but equally awesome and special idea to ride up to Abel's going away party/bbq at Chip's place.
Not just ride there, ride there, sleep on the CBL guest couch, then ride back to WORK the next day.
I got home from that, and knew i'd pushed too far.
The month was a success: 30 days or riding, I was in good spirits at the end of the month, the evil that had poisoned me had been dealt with and released... moving in positive direction.
But....
I.
was.
completely.
burnt.
out.
Maybe because I'm getting old but I kind of have this sneaking suspicion that looking back, that would have had a similar impact on all but maybe two people I know.
Flip side: I had made it through June and survived.
Downside? I had a shit ton of stuff to do this week: build bikes, because dude I need the cash. fix Fox's bike because he asked me to and well... yeah have to. Fix wife's minivan/daily driver. Find time for me to recover and be able to survive.
Work this week was insane. Short week made shorter by my bits of pedaling, but even shorter by other things that belong in the story the ride not here.
Work being insane means more that it is a nightmare of juggling schedules and demands. where does it all fit in? Well in three hours I managed to pretty much ensure I'm not getting anything I need to get done next week besides get people up to speed on the scopes they want to use. And that also means NOT getting about as many people up to speed as they want, or express that they want. Too many of them are "I NEED TRAINING NOW" and then don't use it for weeks if at all. I'm getting better at sniffing them out but it still happens, and as crazy as it is now, the fear of it being a bigger problem is haunting me a bit.
Procedural stuff right? Job. Get Paid. This is what I'm good at... in theory at least. One of the things.
In the end, I've fixed the minivan (I hope, maybe maybe not) Fox's bike is almost ready to crush it (almost in that I need to remember to see if I have a pulley bushing that isn't in his lower jockey wheel and is causing problems) but every thing else is done, shop? I have bikes to build tomorrow. That's the last peice of get it all done.
I haven't written about the most amazing ride with James, and trust me, even if i don't write about it... amazing, it was one of those transformative moments in many ways. Abel's ride/party/those people. Must comment. Must comment how much I realize how valuable actually seeing people in person is. How emotional and raw and deep the connection is. This daily talking thing on the internet, or even occasional talking thing, means nothing. We're f'n Human. In person is what matters. That's what is important. That is where the real power lies and will always remain. And it was the most positive and powerful reminder two weeks in a row.
Haven't done a pile of other stuff. But reflecting today after pulling the EGR valve, cleaning the EGR pipe and the valve, riding to get new gaskets, getting Fox's bike finished. Stuff I had to do. To fix the minivan and the EGR I had to ride to TFGreen. That's a shitty ass ride. And not a short one. But I did it.
Stopped to help a mom riding with her boys, one of the bikes couldn't keep the chain on. Chain too loose, single speed coaster brake. I fixed it and helped her understand what she needed to to to make it work, she was grateful, but it was simple, I helped, and rode away to get the van.
"Do You Need Help?" I've asked it a handful of times lately riding. That incident with the chain was one of the few lately that someone didn't say "No" or other decline....
I got most everything done. Still lots left to do. Crazy amount to do but i got what i needed to get done in this window accomplished. Granted there's too much left to do and I should have been doing something other than sleeping and reading and recovering when I wasn't doing the rest. But.
It was needed. If I hadn't slowed down and read. Hadn't not done a few things. I'd have been without the energy or forces to do what was needed.
Next couple/three weeks look like hell. But ah whatever. so what if I got a pretty crappy raise this year, it is still better than the years I got nothing.
CX is coming. Soon.
And I can't wait, but I can wait. It will be here when it is here. I'm trying to convert the black blue into a single speed but there's no BB30-english 68mm exccentric that I can find. Soooo that leaves tensioner. The state of my bikes is another insane question, but you know, they work. I want to see what the failure point is. I found it on the Giant, so yes i have one compeltely dead and useless frame I can't warranty, My other two CX bikes are unwarranteeable because they are from some dead company. So when they break, done. Like the ebay Giant.
Very much rambling. Fireworks going off. The dogs are freaked out. Yay 'murica!
Gonna read for a while now, fall asleep, wake up and go to work. and do everything else i need to do tomorrow which is a growing list of near-impossible.
There are words in my head that want to come out. Driving this whole mess honestly. But best to let those feelings be lost, that motivation slip off into forgotten land, harness the drive but not acknowledge the negative bitter fuel behind the motivation.
That's me. that's my burden. the manifestation of emotional pain. I internalize so much, feel too much, but at the same time am the biggest asshole anyone will ever meet. But then I guess does that make me one of the nicest assholes anyone will ever meet? Nothing I care to worry about but do occasionally think about. Not a crown or title i'm looking for.
I'm me. I'm a fucking enigma. Destined to really be alone, not wanting to be but knowing it is best that way, but not alone in the sense that i've made some amazing friends who, each and every one I'm grateful for. I realize that i can go years w/o seeing someone and not dimish the feeling of comradarie... not unique to me, but a cool human quirk.
Definitely rambling now, but then I guess this is better than drinking and sending dronk emails. Not that I'm dronk but hey 4th of July, shouldn't I be? It would be the murican way! No, I'm writing and reading and cooking and keeping busy.
Soon I'll write up the big rides. I don't think I'm making it to Diamond hill. Too far away. Too much work to be done, too many compounding logistics no matter how much I want to ride a Santa Cruz that fits me.
heddwch
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