sigh

Fitfully sleeping, woke up, gave up trying to get back asleep, put night mode on the phone and went through the morning puzzle routine.

Brain just won't calm down. Realized I forgot to order a battery for a camera, thought maybe I should get that Adox 50 film....

And maybe a few rolls of XX from Norwich to make sure I like the other stuff better. And their non DX option set off a whole other tangent. 

Also insanely unsettled because of tomorrow, bring laptop or not, cameras? Which ones... Where did I put that last free dev mailer for this roll of ultramax.

Race course in my head rn

I need time

or I need to figure out better time management

heading to the retreat tomorrow

kind of half thought about reaching out to others I know who have a birthday around now, but I'm not sure that has always been my best move, or at least if it was well received it was rarely reciprocated. Guess I should keep doing it but maybe this year, not so much. By not doing all that it is easier not to think about mine and that's never a good thing for me to think about.

Dunno what the weekend will bring.

I set up the piano as a desk, but it isn't the most ergonomic work station, I kind of need to kick my feet out and lean back, chair? no. feet? can't, it is an upright piano.

Posted a bunch of photos, have more to share. Working on trying to get better. ordered myself a few rolls of film as a b'day present. I do need to figure out the color digital options, go with a cheap KF or go full on K1, or somewhere in the middle and stick with the K3, which really isn't the middle it is just the color version of the one I have and is the same price as the full frame K1. Gotta figure that out before October.

To work this weekend? Or ride? Both or what? Really not motivated to get a good ride in alone. But maybe that's the only option.

I went back and reviewed the last few years of CX. I don't remember '19 and now I think I'm remembering everything else wrong too. But there was the back issue, the torn calf muscle, the stress fracture in the foot and lymes...  and now what? i dunno, but I feel an urgency to get on the bike, however have not even thought about what race to sign up for..

bike is still in Ice Weasels rig. too light of a gear and the heavy wheels.

have been wanting to get out and walk and take a few photos but, well...  guess what? TOO BUSY. (okay fine I should be doing that right now I guess but hey this is less time intensive and I am getting interrupted so not bad) funny that it is 20°F cooler right now here than it was yesterday.

ah well

best to wrap shit up and get out of here soon, esp since i haven't said anything worth saying

heddwch
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Back

 and overwhelmed and bailing on Smackdown tonight because I haven't ridden since the 16th and riding in was fine but man I slipped a lot more and getting tossed into the mixer seems like a bad idea.

Things WERE going well.. then I read a really well done profile article about someone and all the past trauma resurfaced and I feel fucking eviscerated all over again. 

And no where really to turn to talk about this, except here. 

But last week in Canada was good. The Kid did really well, I survived, kind of. Was able to stick with and just lean into the photography and editing and being there. It wasn't easy but it was good. But still not totally back in the swing of things. Didn't really eat yesterday, that's fine, but it was a long and insane day.

So emotionally on the edge, while I'm somewhat physically rested, I'm still tired and I'm emotionally exhausted and this week ALWAYS sucks. If you're reading this you probably already know why or if you don't know why then that's exhibit A as to why this week always sucks. Just have to get through friday. Which is going to be fucked up by the department retreat again this year, every so often, well, yeah, you know, 100% fucked up by not my own devices. Goldberg already told me a while ago he couldn't ride all day so this saves me from hearing 'no I can't' from anyone else I ask to ride that day.

Used to it? maybe

Happy about it? Still no.

Trauma as bad as the above? maybe, maybe not, will some old wiser dudes say suck it up stop worrying about it, probably, but I'm wired too differently and I'm my own worst enemy.

Not sure how to snap out of it but I figured, write this, and then walk away from the computer and work on some other shit that needs being done. There's only a page or two of emails to get through from the last week, and that's only the priority ones that really need a response. 

And I have some film to scan. Maybe I'll move the scope, get the crates positioned and ready and then scan and edit instead of thinking of anything else. 

Or not.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

well here we are

 in canada

not home, vacation? I suppose, but it has been anything but restful. Has been stressful, has been fine. Challenges like music venue camera policies to get into the viewing areas. AKA no camera bag. That lead to some good shots yesterday. And this morning we got there so early that security hadn't set up yet and there was no problem so I thought 'Cool, no big deal' except then in the afternoon stretching my legs I saw the security folks turning people away with a heated argument but no clear understanding what was being rejected. So my feeling of calm and relief this morning has vanished. 

Kid's boat had some trouble today in the race. Handful of frustrating things, but they have one more chance to get into the A final. It is a long shot, they have to beat Germany and Italy to get in.  Basically need to finish first or second tomorrow, absolutely a long shot for the A final but they are making a change that hopefully will make for a better race tomorrow. Stressful esp when things don't go all that well.

No bike here, And while I've been sleeping okay Sunday and Monday night, I'm still tired.

Weather cancelled the races yesterday, they were supposed to have Wed off. But like Paris the schedule was compressed and then delayed today, not sure how that affected everyone, but this is the second year in a row World's has been messed up because of weather for L.

It meant I got a cool bridge picture and then some fun photos of a big ass grain carrier going through the locks. 

I should sit down and edit today's photos, but here I am. Dinner last night was insanely loud, and today the 8 hrs in the stands with cheering and loudspeaker and DJ meant more audio assault. I do tend to listen to music all day but I usually have more chill, quiet time, even if that is the 40 min on the bike each way. 

the bike commute is kind of like 2x a day meditation, even when I'm listening to a book. 

Oh I should really go through and write up the re-read of Zen and the motorcycle book. Reading it 30 years apart is insanely different. Everyone who talks about that book and the motorcycle stuff I think probably never made it past chapter 1. 

minor update

maybe more later

also def not liking this having to eat out every meal...  really not liking it. but that's the options at the moment. Hotel life FTW, le sigh.

heddwch
G