all wrapped up

 Done with the riding for the year. Went out on the shifty squishy bike. 

Guess that cassette has seen a lot, happy it lasted this long. But it was annoying out there, the middle three cogs, not small one either, are so worn that, well, it skips and sucks to ride.

Singlespeed tomorrow and I just ordered a new drivetrain. The one I had planned to put on the bike way back when I got it. But pandemic supply chain sucked so I went with the cobbled mess. Had the rear der explode twice, trashed that and put together a cobbled GX with an NX cage out of the dead parts bin. Kept riding. Couple chains later and yeah it is time. Not a ton of miles but none of the miles were easy. 

Whole thing, der, shifter, chain and cassette, even with an extra chain, some extra cleats, it was all less than (by $100) than retail on a GX cassette. We'll see how well it rides. Some people hate the shimano stuff, but some people love it. Always good to have first hand experience.

Weird week. Lots of other stuff to deal with coming up, a busy week, The week I planned? Nope. But hopefully there will be some good moments spread through out. 

riding bikes was good, needed, here's to tomorrow doing more mental repair. 

gonna sign off and move away from this thing

heddwch
G

looking back? too soon?

 

2023

Activities	507
Distance	4,518.0 mi
Elev Gain	167,238 ft
Time	395h 24m

2022

Activities	525
Distance	4,585.2 mi
Elev Gain	189,386 ft
Time	423h 16m

Huh, it is almost like the only thing missing this year is riding for 24hrs at the 24HOGG.

https://nsmb.com/articles/this-one-time-in-2023/ 

too many words to reply to all that

so many good lines in there - like the trails you know...

Trying to find motivation today to do kind of almost antyhing. I did manage to clear off the piano desk enough to stick the laptop on it. Soon hopefully a little more organizing and I'll be able to put a big monitor here and get some productivity in. 

Kind of wanted to ride today but couldn't come up with the motivation, and yeah it isn't yet 1pm, maybe I'll make an excuse and try riding with the camera bag and just go for a photoride, finish up that roll of 1600 (even though it is a little on the bright side for it). 

Started this post yesterday. Been sitting here open. Back in the funk, but at least I've gotten two good nights of sleep. 

Need to touch dirt, I suppose I can ride the shifty squishy bike or the Stache to pedal around. There are no puddles. Hmm. Dropper post makes it easier to stop for photos too.

I should hit publish and move on to something. Puttering or organizing, little bits at a time accumulate into progress.

best get doing something other than sitting

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch
G

readers and web logs

 There's a fair bit of chatter about RSS readers and web logs last few days with the realization that some of the big newsletter apps/companies are happy to give a voice to the bad people (not sees and those kind of intolerant fucks) but forbidding trans and SW voices. The work around and admission is that newsletters are a lot of work for very little return and also more discussion about web logs. 

Micro-blogging killed the blogosphere, no question. Twitter and then whatever else moved in. Mostly twitter (I'm gonna dead name that place because it deserves to be esp since the 'owner' likes to dead name other people but not have his stuff dead named and well fuck him and his racists bigoted self).

One phenomenon I have NEVER understood are newsletters. Maybe because email is all but dead and we're overloaded with inadvertent subscriptions and capitalistic marketing noise. The only emails I really actually read at from people. And those are pretty far and few between. I do have a couple people I know, okay maybe one or two, one. That uses email as a chat tool. A few people that use text as an email tool. Tracking purchases, receipts, that kind of thing, yeah it is used for that too. Ok, email is not dead it just is kind of like the regular mail now. Has uses but not the same as in the past. But newsletters? I have subscribed to a few, they are good at reminding me of why i subscribed but i'm not very good at reading them. I see the subject and move on. 

I still do the open tab thing. On this new laptop it is screaming fast, it is also blazing at exporting and dealing with large image files, which is why I got it, so that's at least good. 

Writing a newsletter, really just seems like writing a blog post and then emailing it to people. Why not just write the post, put it up and let people come to it? Sure, you might get MORE than zero engagement with a newsletter which is what some people find with blogs. We're are near zero engagement here. And I'm okay with that. 

The whole photographing sharing pictures image hosting so people can see them thing is something I'm wrestling with, and a newsletter isn't good for that. I think about the few regular posting places, Stevil's for example. That's a weekly newsletter of sorts that is still a blog on his page and it looks like a web page (not me here slumming with a blogger account because that's what I've started with and it is still here this many years later). 

Techbro white dudes trying to monetize this scene seems to be another factor in killing the web logs, monetizing the traffic, providing 'service' for a fee. I dunno, now I feel like I'm just rambling. 

To the point though, bring back web logs, make hosting and publishing your own again. or something.

I think there's still a place for the 'gram, and for bluesky (I have invites if you want to try that place out). But I'd like to see newsletters move back to blogs maybe? maybe it is just me. I'm really happy to add more links to the open tabs, even a new folder. I'm also not a very good consumer, I've been buying stuff but that's an agonizing process and lately has been kind of hyper focused on camera stuff, or bikes but that is the one constant through my life. I suppose camera stuff has been too to be honest. 

Here I am, how many years old, high functioning autism probably, mild maybe adhd, hyper aware of some stuff, blind to others, always feeling left out, afraid to go into social situations...  it is brutal but that whole time taking pictures and riding bikes. Maybe it was the pocket Olympus Stylus Tough, or the previous ones before it. Or the various film cameras prior, or the SP but now here I am a million years late, with a modern sophisticated DSLR. Sort of the same with bikes. Way way back the SP was one of the best. Then the Olympus Digital, one of the best point and shoot digital cameras. Sort of like that point when I got the Kleins. Then I sort of surfed around with mid-level stuff. The DLSR is kind of like the Madone and the Top Fuel. finally have stuff that is 'good' uncompromising. Although both make a unique compromise. Not perfect and not what works for most people. Much like the monochrome DSLR. Most people would have gone with color. There's a few 'influencer' youtubers that do lots of black and white but claim it is best to shoot in color only since you have choice. Ah, right. The Youtubers. The video bloggers. The people who spend thousands of dollars to record themselves talking about shit. OH FUCK ME HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT PODCASTS. FUCK those have a serious impact on blogs too. It is easy for many people to sit down and talk into thousands of dollars of equipment with people and hey feel important. Audio is easy to consume, people do it mindlessly while doing other stuff. 

Sigh. The world is fucked, we're a problem, and there are not good or easy solutions. 

I have been wondering if I should take the Nanoscape name over with the black and white stuff...  or not, really don't know. Buying a 3rd domain seems silly but maybe it is the answer. Funny thing, there's a geoffrey l williams on smug mug, i really hope we don't share our middle name, that would be too funny. But there aren't many others. Hmm.

I'm absolutely procrastinating. I do NOT want to drive down tomorrow. I think that's part of the layer of dread hanging over me. But there's a lot to do today and I really need to get moving on it all. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

heddwch
G

Idols?

 I don't have many, and the ones I do usually are along the lines of people like Mike F. Supremely skilled at putting words together. Or photographers like Russ who's taste and skill are matched well.

Maybe it is because I can relate so damn closely to Mike's writing, if not his experiences, he lived a life I might have tried to if certain things didn't happen. I can put words together but not like him. That said, he's been putting them together to get paid for what, 30+ years now? He'd damn well better be good at it, and well he is. Like the mention of the birthday. Yeah mine doesn't get overrun by christmas but it is almost worse getting over run by a summer holiday, how many birthdays wrecked by bumbershoot in Seattle? For an already insecure and shy kid who is envious of everyone's parties at school, never having a party at school sucks. Or being at your step dad's family reunion, for the 10th time or whatever, and everyone having a birthday cake for all the august birthdays and, without fail, every single time, they overlook/forget/ignore mine. But that's a pretty well documented thing here on the blog. The whole me not having a good birthday. 

And the whole it is what it is we're going to die and life is short and lets fucking ride part of his latest essay? Fuck me. I've documented that. His hydroplaning is a lot like that turbulence I experienced flying back with the massive RSV infection from Seattle last year. Watching the flight attendant launched into the cabin ceiling, one hand on the drink cart. Wondering where the half drunk ginger ale went (the cup disappeared and nothing of mine or me got wet from it) trigger the 'it is what it is and it will happen when it happens" and I stopped going to sleep at night being terrified I wouldn't wake up.

That's a lot of re-hash. But that's only part of the emotions and flashbacks and relatable stuff that was catalyzed reading his latest.

You'll probably read this and not get it like I do, or differently and that's okay. You may also read it and be confused as to why I like his style so much. 

Same vein, Russ is sharing some amazing assabet river photos. Like they are just amazingly so good, like all his stuff. 

And here I am, floundering along. I've loaded a roll of film, at 1600 ISO for seattle, in the dark and cloudy and indoors... and haven't shot a single frame with it. And it is bugging me.

Fuck I haven't even shot a digital frame with the fancy camera either...  

Related to the funk I think. The above mentioned two things are definitely inspirational but they aren't motivational. Missing that element right now.

Said thank you and good bye to the Fall intern. They were massively helpful but lately it has been super quiet. We finished up one last thing today and they are done. 

I should leave early, wander the streets of providence, ride down to the river, take it easy walk the bike, pull out the camera. Something. I really don't want to get in the car on Saturday and drive all day, but that I must. I gotta shake this funk... damn. 

Touching dirt on Sunday helped but it took the first 45 minutes to get to the zen flow state. 45 minutes of making it worse. Then 45 minutes getting out just head of where I went in. Net gain but marginal that was wiped out quickly.

Funny how the bright sunshine is making me grumpy. I want moody dark clouds for photographing, not this bright cold day. 

At this rate it'll be dusk before I get out of here for the year. Oh well.

Keep moving forward, keep doing everything for everyone else. shit might fall into place, eventually.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

hhmmm

Watched a movie, forgot how terrible it is, forgot that I'd seen it before, but maybe I'd only caught the end and missed the beginning. Wow does the beginning suck. (Lucy, but come on SJ is amazing).

I had a student in my course s few years ago. A more grasp and much nicer version. Kind of a cross between SJ and Kate Courtney (MTB XC racer). 

Thought about her drive and what changed after the process of getting a PhD. Then thought about the short film I just saw about the Gap. And the words I put together on blsky the other day.

Why that connection? Was thinking hard about the class and stuff earlier today. 

I got the course syllabus locked in this afternoon (had a little help). Really happy with how it fit together and was reworked.

I have a feeling it'll be good.

But I sketched these words out just now:

"The Gap

Not just in art but in science.

The students I see most often have an idea of science, an ideal, can recognize the process. It's easy to see, simple.

Question

Devise test for the question 

Run test

Evaluate

Repeat

But it's not that simple, so many skills to learn, so much knowledge to absorb.

Like art in a way.

And sometimes you get bogged  down the science, the taste, lost in the process of doing a job sometimes permanently gone yet one winds up a slave to the grind a cog in the machine"

The post from the new micro blogging site

"Taste

The Gap

Haven't seen this in a long time. Caught a reference elsewhere just now.

Went back and watched again. 

"What is art but the repeating the process* of a skill until you become fluent enough to use it as a language." -GW

*with attention and intention to improve

vimeo.com/85040589

 -------+---

Anyway, your that in with what a friend is going through, getting completely at a dead end career wise but still lots of great years left. 

And to it out with me feeling like I haven't escaped the weekend funk, this time of year, life in general. I should try and sleep. Been up and going since 5:15. A lot of hours ago.

Heddwch

G

a couple flights some closed bridges and crazy weather

 Pretty insane, manageable mostly, but insane.

I have a minute here, but I'm sure it'll get interrupted soon, as is the pattern.

Seattle was good, and difficult.

Thought I had posted something on the way, just noticed it not there and it was sitting in the draft, got caught in wifi limbo and saved w/o being published.

This song got me introspective and I should just leave it at that.

It is a good version...  maybe the best?

Was a tow truck today. A retired daily bike path rider broke his chain somewhere. I had dropped the kid off at the train station (dentist yesterday and this was the only time we could get them in for cleaning) early this morning. Went home, showered packed up and started riding in. Guy was crossing crescent view, scootering his nice Giant road bike with Di2 ultergra. And no chain. I wasn't inclined to try and deal with the chain (tools not with me and maybe there was something catastrophic not fixable), chatted with him, then turned around, raced home, grabbed the snowplow strap and some extra rope and caught up to him midway through the forest of Riverside. 

And towed him all the way in to Hope and Waterman. He was side scootering, awkward and inefficient. I had almost just dropped L off at the train and parked at work but no riding yesterday (storm) and well I got a good workout in this morning. He was a light guy and a light bike. And I was on the singlespeed. Was a bit of a workout trying to get up the hill towards the old golf course along the parkway but I made it. And got him in much closer and faster than he would have done other wise.

Didn't take a photo because that felt wrong of me to do, and yeah I'm talking about, might as well have taken a photo. And yeah i was on the singlespeed surly. It was not a ton of work on the flats but man it was a lot going uphill. more than trailer but not much.

Chatted with Tom O, he caught up and he noticed and offered a chain tool. But we were almost there. 

Hopefully Allan gets his chain fixed and doesn't miss too many days riding. He's on the path every day. And that's pretty fucking awesome if you ask me. He's usually done before I get out, but today? well, he was a little behind schedule.

Amazing. Sitting here and haven't been interrupted. 

Oh right, there's just about no one here and we're recovered mostly from the power outage here yesterday. 

Still hard to process. 

Should probably eat lunch before too long. 

But the debate is raging in my head. Do i bring a mtb to ride alone at Fountainhead for one day? doesn't seem like a good plan. got distracted remembering I should look at scheduling the golf for service, but also i don't like other people working on the car before a trip, let it roll till we get back and then do it.

Okay - food time. I really wanted to dig into how I felt Friday, Saturday into Sunday. I was not in a great headspace but I'm kind of on the other side a little. So best just drop it maybe.

take care, ride bikes, Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

never gets easier

Worried this is the visit. Three way my mother's heart is going she could decide is not that bad and not go to the ER and that's it. I guess it almost happened last night. Maybe that's TMI for the blogosphere but it's pretty quiet around here and I am sitting on a plane (with Wi-Fi) and no one to talk to this about 

Just before boarding my RI better called me to give me the low down on what's going on. And what happened last night. Her HR was up and not stable O2 doing and BP dropping. Doesn't sound good does it? She wasn't sure what to do, doc only said not to do the concerts if her HR was over 120. Nothing else. She called one of my brothers out there, "should I go to the ER?" "Yes" she calls my other brother out there asked the same thing "yes" so she went. Fortunately. But then didn't get much sleep and is exhausted. Of fucking course she doesn't call me, as I'm getting ready to fly out. 

Sigh. Docs said that given the condition of her heart that it might make it 3-5 years. But I think that makes the assumption she follows advice gets enough rest and changes who she is totally. Had a full on laugh with my brother about out parents both of which are stubborn and head strong and never listened to anyone... Didn't sound like any of us. 

That's the joke. It sounds like all of us. 

So it could be the best thing I'm going out, or it could be the worst. She's not going to want to let me see her the way she is. She's going to want to do the concert because I'm here. And she is going to do too much no matter what anyone says. 

And I'm in a flying tube over Massachusetts right now with no one to talk to about it for the next 5+ hours. 

So here I am. Swiping words on my phone because the laptop seemed like a bad idea. Of course now the camera won't talk to the phone and I can't pull photos off it. But I guess I can treat it like the film camera. Take photos, share after the trip. 

There's a lot to catch up on. The race, life, stuff, what's next and a reflection on a bit of a reminder why I was so passionate about cx before the spiral down that started in 2013/14. I guess technically it didn't really start the spiral until January 1st 2014, but that was a hey we're not doing great up until then but that point was full on nose dive into darkeness.

And here were are. Finally getting back to that feeling from long ago. Maybe a little fire to drop 10-20#s and get a bit faster without losing the fun? That's probably way too optimistic, but it's nice to think about.

We're hitting some solid turbulence right now. Might just put the phone away. Maybe there's a decent movie to watch on the headrest...

And maybe I'll come back for a follow up.

Heddwch

G

May he be at rest

 Shane MacGowan 

Kind of wrecked a bit. 

His health wasn't the best at the end, but just making it to 65, given everything he's done to himself, is a remarkable feat. He gave us a fuck ton of music.

The cassette tape If I Should Fall From Grace was my sound track for years...

That was my punk in high school... 

"Jeff Roberson @jsroberson.bsky.social

Shane MacGowan…In my fantasy world, Shane just kicked Henry in the balls while on line to chat with St. Peter and all the newly departed erupted in cheers while St. Pete waves Shane to the front of the line.

But there is no god waiting for us, just worms and bacteria. ;)"

Thank fully we can focus on the loss of a musician who sung for the down trodden. 

The anti-war anthem: https://youtu.be/cZqN1glz4JY?si=u6StAVYqseL8rDhZ

To the immigrant's song: 

 I dunno. I'm luggage today.

The CX under the lights last night was good. It took me a good 30 minutes of 'racing' before my legs felt open. Not sure how I'm going to recreate that on saturday. I did sign up for Ice Weasels.

And yeah, I need to race then photograph but I signed up for the last race. Maybe i won't take too many photos.

maybe just bring the film? we'll see what Saturday brings. 

I put a 22 on there, put the heavy alloy wheels with the dirty smackdown set up, as bad if not worse than the fast wheels but this is a shitty heavy course so fast wheels won't help me, they don't help me anyway. 

I fucked up and missed the staff show deadline. Looked back and thought I'd have a couple good SEM images, nope. Not really. A few but nothing that says YEAH, and the scope is running a multi-day job. Oh well.

There's a lot going on.

I've been listening to a lot of Pogues today, kind of a good moderate productivity day instead of full out crazy like has been happening since... um... August.

heddwch

G

Balance and between

 It struck me just now, looking at someone's photo they posted.

It is amazing. So good, it both inspires me and motivates me.

I recognized that I'm absorbing new stuff about photography at a level I've never thought about before, partly now due to both the intention of pushing myself in using the cameras but also bringing all the years of other visual art work I've been doing into my process. The nanoscape, the camera in my pocket for the last million years, digital lately. And now here this, and i'm feeding off and learning from people better and different than myself who are willing to share.

I thought about bikes, and, honestly, who is doing that for me? No one. Not anymore. Then it kind of hit me, plenty of people comment about what I share, or just being there, and maybe I'm at that end and if I pull away completely I stop being able to positively influence and motivate people. Even the fast guys look at my strava and see the daily commute as inspirational. Motivational. they've said so. It doesn't matter how fast I am in some ways, I'm still here. Jim English stopped by, been forever, so long it took me a minute to place his face. Oh and this new keyboard is going to take some getting used to. But I guess I'd better get used to it because it is mine now. Need to clean off the personal stuff off the old one and bring it in to work for use there and in class.

It is weird, going to take getting used to.

Should really write up the race report from yesterday. But on the racing side? Lets just say my number predicted my performance. 86

It was rough. Still cooked from the turkey burner 22 mile ride on the SSMTB. SO MUCH SLOW CLIMBING. It is fine but it takes a LOT to basically be engaged the whole time at really low RPM, like almost trackstanding up the hills and we had ~1900' of climbing, much like that. Fred did take us on a unique route so that was at least something different. But I was cooked, and fried. And of course couldn't stop. Saturday was shopping, getting a pile of much needed stuff, including this silly laptop. Screaming deal on it, maybe I'll find out why. Also 16" is nice and big but it has kind of submarined my ability to pick a camera backpack. The ones I had finally settled on wound up not having space for more than a 14-15 laptop. 

Link to Album from yesterday: https://flic.kr/s/aHBqjB4LLC 

I am not used to not having two 'mouse' buttons below the trackpad. oh well. I used to be fine with it, work laptop made me lazy I guess.

It is all adaptation eh?

Problems other than my number and the Friday MTB ride? Tires. The black mambas were terrible on that course. File treads are fine but they weren't okay. There was a mix on the way there that had what I thought were those lyrics. Seemed fitting. But upon searching it probably was It's not right but it's okay.

Those tires were NOT right, but they were okay.

It was slick, there were some serious off cambers and then all the roots. I had pressure set so I was hitting the roots on the rim at least once paying attention (would hit every time if I rode like an idiot), they are not right but are better on the off camber grass stuff at 2psi lower than I ran them but that would be a death knell to the rims on that course. I had a serious speed limit in a few places and was loose as fuck on one wet section, squirrely and terrifying. 

Gearing. Was definitely not right, but was okay.

Too tall, way too tall. Needed to drop down to the 44x22. Could have ridden a few more things more easily, gotten back up to speed a bit better and there was one long section but it was after a punchy up and was a false downhill flat and not long enough to spin out. 

Legs, again they were not right but it was okay.

I found a few good lines, shared them with a few people, got some nice "hey those worked and were awesome" about them. It was a good day.

It was a bad race for me. Maybe I need to go back to gears and do SSCX on a low importance whim now and then? Go back to the roots. Maybe I need a new bike too?

That is absolutely what I need. Another expensive bike. 

Or not.

Need to do a lot. Mostly need to try and wrap up and leave early because i'm really fucking tired. The wind last night woke us both up worrying about the single in the back yard. We need to figure out a decently secure storage system for it here. At some point. But when?
Thinking about heading to the NBX training race Wed night. Never been, could leave and stop by the shop on the way there. Would be good to do and say hey and to order some sealant that I need to keep the air in the front tire of the MTB. Maybe order some new tires too. Or wait till next year and see if Donnely brings in a 38mm PDX. Or I guess look at a vitorria? I Dunno. Tire stuff. Like everything else, I'm looking for this unobtanium thing in a niche of a niche. Good graphics performance, but I don't play games. Maybe i should start playing games on the computer? Maybe not.

Better get back to shit and put this thing back down.

heddwch
G

Photos

 Been photo taking more and more lately.

Intentional.

But it is taking focus from other things. Like the Nanoscape stuff.

Today I pushed it and did both.

Quick image of the Porcelain Berry on the SEM and a walk outside after the rain.

(my clothes are still wet but almost dry so I'm delaying and writing)

At the moment, in a weird headspace. Also need coffee but don't want to make more, I should make more but making one cup is annoying and it takes time and maybe there'll be some left over at home or something if I can get out of here soon. 

It is weird for a few but kind of intangible reasons.

came to work in the pouring rain to do some important stuff, then it was just more or less sitting around and waiting for clothes to dry.

I guess I could have packed dry clothes. That would have been smart.

But sometimes (all the time) I'm not so smart.

I let a comment get to me earlier today (on line of course) probably not even anything close to me but hey, no one is really sure how something on the internet will be interpreted by someone else.

But it was good doing a bit of both EM and photo stuff.

Of course today is the day I should have brought the film camera, those rain drops on the Rose are awesome, oh well. Next time.

Guess I should take a break, and get dressed in the cycling kit. It is mostly dry and maybe me wearing it will speed it up. Or at least warm it up before I go outside and ride home.

A few damp spots. 

I'm tired. Physically not as much, been sleeping pretty well. Mentally mostly. 

but that's what the next few days are for right? Uh huh. nice and restful. oof.

well

happy thanksgiving or genocide day or however you manage to mark the long holiday weekend here in the states.

heddwch

G

Digging the no travel holiday

 This used to be a load up and travel week. Years of making the trek to VA and having a split Thanksgiving between my Dad's house and my in-laws, then a few years of cooking in Michigan, and then we came out to RI and having traveled since. College was load up on the train or I guess maybe drive down with E to VA for a year or two, I don't remember. it was a long fucking time ago.

But here we are, RI style means driving the longest 8 miles in the state. Gotta transect Barrington.

Bringing the usual.

I did breakdown the smallest Turkey my brother hard left. All 30 pounds of it. Tossed a pile of the skin and most of the fat, I don't have space or time to render that shit and when you cook with it everything just tastes like turkey. But I have three bags of bones in the freezer to make stock with. The wings have enough meat to make soup after the stock. The legs and thighs are huge, one meal each or I guess roast together and have enough left overs. The breasts are huge. The two of them completely fill a half sheet pan (18"x13"). 

Probably will brine the breasts, cook one and freeze the other. Will roast or grill the legs with thighs attached, and the rest? Dunno, we'll see.

Started watching this yesterday while the serial block face was running (DOING COOL SHIT) and finished it this morning (repeat of the same):

The whole series was great. And yeah I know the outcome but it was still well done.

Kind of got emotional when his dad gave him a hug at the finish...  oof... Was riding in this morning, thinking about Adam's comment over on one of the new social media microblogging platforms in response to my feeling of ugh after seeing his name pop up on the pre-reg list for the 50+ race at Shedd park. He was there and posting and sharing about how awesome it is having Flynn race and then cheer for him and all that. I thought about my oldest, how they made a choice or felt like they had to choose ballet over bikes, and I was just thinking about what might have been, but it is what it is now. Nothing to change, I mean I get how awesome it must be for Adam to have his kid doing what he's doing, probably like Fox with his kid. Sure I've got a talented athlete kid but it is not my sport, it is one i'm adjacent to and have done, but it isn't bikes. It was pretty awesome being in paris and seeing them and being able to give them a huge hug after racing. But it is different. Ya know? Maybe it is only different in my head. So yeah stoked for adam at the same time kind of wishing I'd had that opportunity. And no, no fucking way am I signing up for more kids. In NO scenario is that something I would look out for. I'm old enough as it is, barely have energy for myself.

Shedd Park was an interesting day. Unlike the previous two weeks when I was able to actually feel rested on Friday before the race, I was fucking gassed and even taking it easy Saturday I was still really tired on Sunday. Heart rate took forever to recover doing an effort on the trainer before the race (for example). It was a really rough week, lots of stress, lots of early mornings and long days.

I've been trying to look at buying a laptop for photo editing. No I don't want a Mac. Really. REALLY do not want. But also don't want to dump high end MAC money on a gaming laptop (I play some games but really not many and not on the computer - usually have one on the phone). And now that it is black friday monster sale, I'm looking and just not seeing a ton of good stuff, the cheap stuff is flying off but I don't really want that.

Kind of like trying to find tires for the CX bike. I know what I want but I don't know if anyone makes it. At least the computers are customizable and flexible.

So anyway, Shedd park. Left a little later than planned but not too bad. Got there, but driving up I was remembering 2013, and started getting sad, depressed, thinking about what might have been what was there and could have been and what I should have done differently. Same shit all over again. 

Then I remembered Jack C and his bottle of Apple moonshine in 2014. Ooops. That was bad, very bad, but end the end I got lucky or just was good enough to escape catastrophe. 

Setting myself up really well eh? Pulled into the area, Derek was in front of me so I parked next to him. Up top near Jay and Eiric and Johnny M and the rest of the old dudes who got there just a little later than everyone else. 

Of course I'm running the singlespeed with effective file treads and small side knobs. Kind of sort of the worst combo. Files were great tehre, but only if they had big side knobs for gripping on the grass, I was loose in most corners and was going slower than most, any faster and I would have been down. It looked slow but I've gotten better at finding the limit. WHICH IS WHY I WANT DIFFERENT TIRES BUT CAN'T FIND THE PERFECT ONES. Got a lap in, the woods stuff was fun. Liked the log jump, I had to run a handful of the short steep stuff every lap. One of those, I COULD ride it but it took way more energy to do that than to get off and run, and running was faster. 

Got there plenty early though. Did my thing. Ate my food. Got another lap or so on the course. Got on the trainer before the race for about 20-30 minutes, got a few efforts in on it, got nice and steadily warmed up, lined up. Raced. Was absolutely DFL going into the barriers (that whole shifting thing). Rode my way through people, then the 60+ started riding through me. I got slower on Lap 4 than I'd have liked and was sure I was about to get lapped, was fucking shocked and amazed when I finished with one ride (60+) between me and Adam, I wasn't even the last person on the lead lap. I was in the 50+ but I wasn't last. How the fuck I stayed on the lead lap with the tire and the gear penalty I don't know. Legs really didn't feel as good as they had, felt low and like something was missing, but the heart stayed high didn't fade even as my time did. 

But lead fucking lap with Adam racing hard for the win? That is just fucking crazy.

I hung out after for a bit. bought some Pho (it was good) left the cameras in the car. Didn't even take a cellphone photo. Chatted with a few folks. Watched racing... headed out...  declined the repeated invite to the Navigation Brewery after party, I'm fine with people drinking and hanging out most of the time, but I was tired, and wanted to get home before it was dark.

And I did. Barely. Unloaded the car, grabbed the cooler and drove to the farm (those 8 miles mentioned above) to get the 30.8# turkey that I broke down last night. It takes a long time to do it right, for somoene as out of practice as I am. But it came out okay and I'm looking forward to some fresh turkey.

Racing Secret Squirrel next (sunday), in the actual singlespeed race. I thought about signing up for two races but fuck that I don't think I have the energy to do two, and one race with one gear on that course is enough.  The question is do I take photos or do I just race?

Haven't signed up for Ice Weasels yet but I guess I probably will. But need to get through this weekend first. 

This weekend. It is fucking Wednesday. But finally a Wednesday that feels like a Friday that is pretty much actually a Friday.

Finally.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

Once a week - what is this AHTBM?

 That and not even any good content!

Here's a photo from yesterday morning for ya.

Ain't goin up on IG because format is not square enough.

What's the plan?

 Plan is to race. First thing in the morning. Ish.

Yes, I'm going to be the idiot with a singlespeed in an age group race. Because, while yes, being able to change gears and have a choice is good. The difference between having a 44x20 and a 44x11-25 is kind of immaterial. If i put the cogs on there and shift I'll be in the 20-25 most of the time anyway. And as Solobreak says: You can only go as fast as your easiest gear.

And it is a lot of work to switch it over and I'm not sure I'm smart enough to use all the gears.

Now If I was a smart guy I would have purchased a 12-30 cassette (largest the rear der can handle) and installed that. BUT NO. I bought a whole new road bike instead.

It is going to be stupid early tomorrow. Lots of driving in the dark in the morning. 

Will be packing cameras for after my race. I am going to try and do the whole warm up on the course thing because, well... there are no races before our race (that I can see on the calendar but I'm also not super smart and might have missed something crucial... okay just doubled checked and I see nothing before) so I figure I'll warm up with 100 other old dudes on the course before our race. Lets see how that goes. Warm up is important. I feel okay about the short openers today. Rode hard this morning (stopped for photos obvs) then went to ship street and back mid-day to stretch legs on the bike. Going to head home soon to get the last sunset ride in before the time change.

Will I make it over the flyover with the 44x20? DUNNO but we'll find out. And yeah I'm running essentially file treads. It is what it is. At least they aren't too heavy.

So much shit going on though. need a full catch up time. Maybe can fit that in next week. or sunday if I can't move.

Time to pack up and catch the sunset.

Then figure out what to make for dinner, and then pack everything, load most of it in the car so I can just get up, make a fresh pot of coffee and head out on the road. Will need to figure out breakfast. Hmmmm.

Anyway. I'll get better about circling back here and being more regular. Posting photos on masto and blsky has been fun and distracting and a cool experiment.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

Heddwch
G 

one day i'll learn

Signed up for TreehouseCX. 

It is far. I'm way out of shape, It has been a long three months but last few dirty smackdowns have been feeling better, my timing is still off but the turning feels more natural again.

Gonna be a long early day but I saw so few people at Really Rad that I hope to hang out a bit after racing and at least see some more people that I haven't seen in a while.

Also means renewing my USAC license. 

done

Guess I'd better put gears on the bike tomorrow so I can commute in on it and do a few openers Friday. Shit. gotta put tires on the race wheels too.

Fuck what was I thinking? Oops. 

It'll be fine. Right?

back to microblogging

 Or should I say I landed at one of the alternates to the OG, the one that kind of killed the blogosphere on the first round.

But I've also been going pretty much flat out during normal writing times. Which means I've been going flat out pretty much once I wake up... well after finishing the morning puzzles and drinking coffee. Once that's done. Flat out. Or if not flat out not sitting down long enough when I'm not eating.

The scope is moved out. Got in super early, almost not early enough to get everything out of here, but just in time.

Only the big high tension tank full of 5-10 gallons of Shell transformer oil (at least it is the stuff w/o PCBs) and the rotary pump and a big cable with oil on the ends of it.

Crazy that it is gone. All gone. 40 years of continuous use at Brown. Pretty remarkable. Also kind of embarassing it didn't get upgraded in the 90s or the 00s or at all. Had a few offers of newer systems in the last couple years but missed out on one, and the others happened after the grant writing for the one coming in next was started. No point dishing out $20-30k for a system that would have been in place for a short while as long as the new one still worked.

Yesterday was the HOCR (head of the charles regatta) and the 3rd? year L's raced there. Maybe 4th but I think only 3. Was a bit different, no sculling, no super support level stuff, no being the ones making sure she's there on time, eating enough. We just showed up. After the Harvard stadium lot was full. Parked a mile or two away, still paid the $30. maybe next year we look at other options or plan on getting there earlier. Arriving at stupid early o clock makes everything easy. Waking up without an alarm and taking it easy getting there does not. Like my friend MK says, "you are always trading one stress for another"

Saw L when the bus dropped them off (they changed it up this year, bused them up for Friday rig and practice and back home, then back again on Sunday, and back home for those that didn't stay in town to party). Got some photos of the rigging of the boat. Then wandered off for a few hours while they did the whole team thing. I was told it was a non-contact day. But at some point after we'd found a good place to stand and watch on the shore just north of the Elliot bridge, L asked if we wanted to hang out. But didn't ask me. I only found out a little bit later. And yeah, I would have liked to but by that time it was late. 

Yale launched almost last for the Champ 8 race. They had two boats. the 1V and the JV (2V) but I guess it wasn't the true 2V because the coach took some of the faster women out of the boat because they were eligible for the club 8 on Saturday (L wasn't eligible, i guess maybe for first time at HOCR only?) That made for lots of line up juggling and finally the 2V was faster than the Club 8 but barely. L went from solidly in the 6 seat all the time to 2 seat when line ups were published, to a final change on Friday into the 4 seat. When the 1V went by I thought it was L in the 4 seat, no but nearly a twin. And she didn't stand out as tall in the group of the 1V and 2V rowers. Sort of like me walking around in the crowd. The one place I don't feel tall. Was fucking impossible to pick out E, even if she was wearing a red bucket hat. Just too short around everyone else. But I was told my Mountain Liquor hat made it really easy to see where I was. Mission Accomplished. (It is blaze orange and also says Saguache, CO below the store name, and the motherfucking hat fits unlike everything else anyone around here has in stock from NBX to Built by the guy who moved to AZ).

Took a lot of photos, not enough of the kid, or their boat, but some, and a few other just cool rowing shots. Def looking hard at the 55-300 pentax lens. Yeah maybe i need the 150-450 one but I can probably afford the 300zoom, the 450 is pushing $2k. And that's too much for my casual self. Unless I get a color camera back and shoot more sports both in mono and color, but for now. Heck do I even need it? I dunno. Who knows. What is need. 

Need now: is to have time to sit down and plow through the photos from yesterday in Lightroom. 

Saw them go by, saw them dock (they were cold). Oh and yeah just before their race, or during it, it started getting cold. Sun was clouded and the wind had a bite to it. I had wanted to wear my showers pass wool base layer that I REALLY like, under my Yale Women's Crew supported long sleeve tech shirt, but couldn't find it anywhere. Like, what the fuck happened to it. It disappeared? or something. Vanished. Not anywhere. I think L might have taken it or it was inadvertently packed with her stuff? Dunno but I need to find it before the weather gets really cold. Or order a new one. Guess I should just get another one since I like it so much. Having two isn't the worst thing, assuming I find it. So yeah I was under-dressed. Threw a jacket in the car but it was miles away. 

Once they docked went back towards the area, they de-rigged after throwing on hoodies and clothes, then headed to medal ceremony, more of just a photo-op on the stage (results not quite official yet) some rumor of the 2V getting a JV medal for 3rd (they were awarded medals and a trophy but were on the bus headed back to New Haven before they were ready). Gave L a big hug before she raced back to the team area to get her per diem card to buy food before the bus was scheduled to leave. 

And left.

Made the looooong walk back to the car. At least this year the long walk back wasn't also with L who could barely walk, much less walk that far. My foot was fucked up. My hand that held the camera for the whole fucking day (literally), was a bit cold an stiff, took much of the whole car ride home before it warmed up. Then while prep'n to cook dinner I realized my foot was not happy, super painful, and yeah, probably a stress fracture. esp since it still hurts. But it is better. It took standing on it all day and 10k steps to get there. So that's an improvement. 

But, end of the day felt kind of depressed and hollow and missing L. She's doing great, in a fabulous program, tons of support, school is a lot of work but manageable. And the team basically won. Club 8 finished 1st, Champ 8 1st, Champ 8 JV 3rd. Hard to identify what precisely is the source, but maybe I have an idea but maybe not, maybe it is just me being me. I don't know. 

Got up stupid early though. Slept like shit thursday night before Ben came to take the TEM offline. Slept super poorly last night (at least it felt like it - but watch says I slept and man did I ever dream) woke up two times in the night, then woke up before the alarm (5:30 then dozed till 5:50)), got here in time to see everything hauled off, and basically destroyed in the process. We had taken it apart, they mangled the fuck out of the rest of the shit hauling it out (from the looks of it outside when I got here).

Still a full busy day. I left the house before sunrise this morning. With luck I'll be able to leave before sunset. But the way things are going? I'll probably be riding home in the dark. Which reminds me, I'd better plug in the lights now just in case.

Next week is Really Rad CX. I'm NOT racing. But I think I'm going to go out, bring the camera, take some photos and see people. Maybe get a hug or two. I'm going to bring the MTB and ride the Otis trails first. Might as well, eh? The trails are different and the weather is looking good and even if I'm alone it'll be a good change of pace. 

Oh shit - just remembered, gotta get started scanning the last of the Rollei RPX400 film from the Leica CL. Well... the list of stuff coming up here in a few minutes is long.

Need coffee, need to move.

been a nice break and missed having a chance to talk to myself and review shit in my head aka throw words up here on the weblog. Thanks you handful few people who still check in. 

heddwch
G

GIMME 30 MIN

 PLEASE.

But maybe I'll take these few here and get it out of my head.

Got the Toureg tires on the 19mm rims. Much better setting up than the Toros, but still not simple. The Backer rod did indeed suck up most of the sealant. But there was still some left, maybe enough to seal a small puncture.

I think the Toureg tires (40s) are better on the 19mm than the 25mm ID rims. Rounder and not flatter is better with that tread patter and casing shape. They look like they are happy and ride much better like this.

legs def felt pretty sore from the weekend. In a good way. Not sure I'll be recovered for dirty smackdown but fuck it lets see how it goes.

Reading this: https://resultsboy.medium.com/how-to-build-a-good-cyclocross-course-41b6fc1b2b6d got me kind of itching for CX. But also sad that so many good CX courses are gone. 

Midnight ride had way too many graph paper turns. Also pretty much every turn was one line choice. Slow entrance to barriers... left right left right left right. All the stuff there but also I was so shit at pedaling it didn't matter for me. But you could see it in the racing of others.

Thinking back to courses I did well on, they were like Colin describes. And thinking about Hartford. Did it work for the top 20 in the Elites? Yeah, maybe. But not really. 

Got me thinking about how lucky I've been to race some of the best North American courses. Plymouth south wasn't the best spectator course but damn was it fun and I usually did okay there. 

Okay, now I want to race CX but also now I'm gonna be even more critical, need to have the right category AND the right course.

And I need to get more training in my legs and some speed and and and and and

Oh and shit I gotta get back to work...

heddwch
G

feeling deeply introspective RN

Like full on fuck I need to write in a way I haven't in a long time.

But here I am on the phone, can barely read the fucking tiny words I'm swiping.

Watching a show is hitting me hard in many ways. Not being at CX races is amplifying it.

Can't mention the show until I've gotten through it. No spoilers.

But it's getting to me. In an unexpected way. Part of our is think about my own life, the experiences I've had. Things I've done. 

There's a lot of shit that is completely and totally different from everyone else. Singer stuff that everyone has done I've not.

Was thinking about the generation, the one that grew up with AIDS, with plenty of sex Ed but no discussion of consent, deep divisions and pressure to fit in with little room for individuality. Plenty of people found it and made it work. But, from my observations, they fit in well, but maybe just didn't care. Anyway. It also could just be me that's messed up and everyone else is fine.

Thinking about cyclocross a lot. Lamenting not having a team. The solo identity that I have, the guy in the jumpsuit, doesn't work anymore. Too long not around. The days of being the first to arrive and the last to leave, building courses for two days, doing lots of social media promoting, just making CX my life, are in the past.

They are memories, they aren't for naught, they aren't wasted. But they just don't seem to be the right here, right now.

It's tough.

Like last weekend. It was good, but it wasn't easy.

New scope is making shit insanely complicated and busy and stressful, and for what and for what. 

The woods were awesome today. Not fast but a good stay rhythm.

But I do miss the cyclocross family.

I also need to go the fuck to sleep...

Heddwch 

G

I really needed this

 A chance to get even busier than I would normally be.

It is also a good realization that I'm not well suited for managing. or I just give too much of a shit to manage people because I take it too seriously and worry about making sure I'm giving enough direction and enough tasks but w/o being too hands off or something.. but when they are new it takes time, esp in this line of work, to get to speed on the overwhelming amount of very specific and techincal shit.

But hey - it'll be good. If exhausting at the moment.

Saw this. I guess they have hydraulic gyros now... pretty cool

CX? maybe soon, weather sucks today and tomorrow. I'd hoped to get out on the JP55, maybe it'll still happen and maybe I should go ride in the rain. But Sunday is looking good and it is time to get out on the singlespeed. Getting soft riding the shifty squishy bike.

And the new microblogging site has sucked some of the creative outlet from here. If you want a bluesky invite code lemme know. Can hook a few people up now.

Okay back to working with the new kid (needed coffee) (watched the video this morning, just sharing now).

heddwch

G

Hit hard the other day

 Yesterday precisely. Went to check on Rochester results, and of course i went to crossreults first.

And then noticed that sometime between when I last checked and then that Midnight ride's results were posted. I'd been checking and checking so I could upload the Flickr Album link, but then gave up looking and forgot about it. 

And then I looked at the points I picked up there. Oof. Yeah it isn't pretty. Certainly is what I deserved for absolutely doing everything wrong. My head wasn't there for many reasons, one of which recently hit harder. Talking with Joy about her step-dad and seeing her IG post this morning saying he'd passed. And she didn't have the chance to go say goodbye in person. 

Thoughts of being gone have crept up more and more. I need to be better at working at "not my problem" but i also struggle with not wanting to be more of a problem. Anyway, it hit pretty close to home in a lot of ways. This, with her loss, then I finished reading book two and saw the little inscription and well fuck that caused me to lose it even more. Well. Life. It is what we've got. Also, BTW, I picture CFox as the lead character in those books. Not sure why but somehow he's the person I'm putting into that story.

David V mentioned I look like I've got my shit together. Then I realized people say I look good racing. It bugs me because I don't feel good. But that's been consistent. maybe I look good but man do I suck lately. It is tough. Esp since I'm not doing everything I can to be as fast as I could be. But I'm also not doing all that because I've made other choices and have to remind myself about them. Sure I have been creating art in some people's eyes, taking photos. I commute to work most everyday, I cook food I have worked hard to raise my kids, I really try not to be an asshole but fail so miserably when I do fail... But somehow people have said I look good, or it looks like it is good. 

Looks are deceiving. I've been on stage enough, I've had to work hard to act a part of  being normal, have been forced to hide my true self for a long time, so long that I'm good at not showing the fuck up I am. 

My back is currently fucked, couple reasons but the lack of hitting the trails on the singlespeed have made it worse, getting the double vax and getting wrecked by it and not sleeping normally with two painful shoulders was the other. But the MTB usually fixes this exact issue.

I took an aleve last night and it's mostly not hurting today. Kind of.

Watched this over lunch.
https://youtu.be/Gxr0f7PRj0g?si=2jVfw8J5zIxy98ZD

Big production value but also important shit. 

Chatted with Marc T at the end of the commute. Caught him, which was weird. Esp me riding the Singlespeed Surly. 

He made the point that none of the mid-pack or slower guys keep racing. Only the top, the pointy end does. Looking at the lead lap of the 50+ race in CX... I dunno, not sure I can even come close to not getting lapped. would be lucky not to get lapped twice. But then, what else should I expect?

I haven't trained for CX, I've barely ridden. I bought a new road bike and have really only done a TT, a long ride and a handful of smackdowns.

And the crank on the CX bike and the Road bike are both under the recall and if they start delaminating.debonding there's no replacement, we all know what happens when I run 177.5 cranks. It doesn't work for me. Why? No one can tell me. Few even can wrap their head around it enough to hazard a guess. 

I just don't know what anymore, what to do, obviously still haven't found the CX Mojo, or a muse.

Foot's still feeling less than 100% so I didn't go for a walk in the rain with the camera, maybe the ride home will present a scene worthy of exposing a few frames of film.

I just don't know. Do I hire a coach? Have someone write a plan? we've gone through this before. I know what needs to be done, and given that I don't have a power meter or a functioning trainer (fine I have the ancient cyclops but that's not great), i might as well just write myself a plan, it'll be as effective. or what? fuck it just ride bikes. 

dunno

really... dunno...

But hey AMOR FATI MOTHERFUCKERS

the show must go on, and I must prepare myself for a ride home in the rain.

heddwch
G

Smackdown

 Well, it went better than the race did. I ate food. I was able to pedal hard.

But then I looked at the Hillside times, and they are way slower than my fastest (in 2013 obvs) but I'm also 35# heavier now than I was then. And 10 years older. Makes sense I'm slower up the hills. 

It felt good and I made myself work. But I also ate much better through out the day, had a more effective warm up [thank i did on sunday.]

Took a little longer photo walk over lunch today. A little too far though. Pissed because I want to get down by the river, great street photo ops, people stuff, buildings, lighting, water, but it is a little too far for the foot. 

It isn't bad but it went from not being noticeable to oh, right. 

It is definitely getting better, but it ain't better yet and I'm guessing the walks aren't helping the healing.

AND i chatted with Harris on the way to Smackdown, we might be bringing back the Haines Park CXy time.

I should change and ride home. Been here late too much lately. But then I've been getting here late some days. Hopefully it all washes out in the end.

heddwch

G

That was predictable

 My race was terrible. I started off kind of slow, then got slower and slower. Just couldn't stay with people that I should have been able to stay with. Legs wouldn't go hard enough to get the heart rate up where it should be. Def felt leg limited not lung limited. So i guess that's something.
Also I think I was turning like a MTB'r, def not like a roadie but maybe I need to be more roadie turny, but it wasn't working whatever it was.
I put 27PSI in the tires, was fine in the front, but I was hitting rocks a dozen times a lap, and that was kind of unsettling and it didn't feel secure on the turns, not like floppy but like this shit ain't gonna hold sketch.

I did get to the race a bit early for my race. And I didn't pack a lunch. BUT i did buy two boxes of donuts at Bolton orchard. Ate 5 donuts between when I got there and my race. So should have been plenty of calories. Got there, got the number, hung out a bit, took a photo or two, then quickly got on the course for two laps before the 3/4, 40+ race. Then grabbed camera and took photos of that race. Then took photos of the Elite women's race. Then put camera away, pinned number on and planned to warm up. In the parking lot I saw JF and chatted for a while, instead of pedaling. Then pedaled, saw DV, chatted, then pedaled some more then raced. It was TERRIBLE. i was at least. COULD NOT KEEP UP. 

Shocking.

Best part of the day were the photos. Dumped em all here:

Look or not. I might be more excited about photographing the next race than racing it.

well i went and did it

 Signed up for a CX race on Sunday.

We'll see what happens. Mostly going because it is an excuse to go to Bolton Orchards before the race to get apples and some donuts.

Maybe I'll get lucky enough to snag a few warm packs.

Plan to get there early enough to play around taking photos, film and digital.

Will throw a low consequence roll in the Pentax, push the ISO up a step or two for speed (ACTION) and see what happens.

Just have to figure out what's going on tomorrow. Storm coming through, do I go to the shop? do I stay home? Grocery shopping? Probably no road ride given the conditions (windy).

I did get the Crockett all cleaned up this morning. It looks pretty good. 

Got the SECOND new to me Wahoo hooked up and a new speed sensor on the wheel of the crockett for CX racing (gps is bad in the woods, also is bad with CX course mileage).

Foot saga needs full documentation but I'm not even sure I fully know what the fuck is going on.

Other than I have Lymes and am on 3weeks of Doxy and trying to take even two pills a day is a pain, did I take them? I don't remember. Also because they are slightly off of the timing I take the adaptogen in the morning and the VitD and MagG at night (oh and now Iron because my levels are low - mostly also because my red blood markers suck and maybe this will help).

Dealing with all kinds of new and expensive things. Boats? Yeah might be boat owners. Nothing fancy just a single scull, but it is still 26' long and I ain't got anywhere inside to put anything that long. Storm coming? Where the fuck is that thing gonna go? Not my boat but might be my problem.

Colorado trip coming up soon. Taking more photos, getting used to the little lens, about ready to switch to the big one.

Wearing the watch this much seems to have aggravated my skin a little, but hey - i'm on Doxy and it kills the fuck out of anything... that the Keflex i was on didn't. Still, better either get a different band or maybe not wear it all the time. I like the sleep data, and the rest of the data, kind of fun. Maybe I should have added power to the Madone.

Smackdown actually felt pretty good on Tuesday. Hence me registering. Also because the race is at Lancaster and it is pretty damn flat and soft (assuming I don't have to run on pavement - and if I mechanical i'll probably just pull the plug vs trying to run to the pits. Not that I'll have anything in there. 

I should really go back and fill in the blanks since the last post and the blanks before that one.

We'll see. Time is less available than usual.

Or when I have time I'm too fried to write, or just editing photos is all i can do.

More later, hopefully

heddwch
G

It didn't rain

 Smackdown was dry, at least it wasn't precipitating. But it was so hot and humid that we were all just as wet at the end of the ride yesterday as we were last week.

It was a legit B ride. Could have been faster but was a nice sized group and still fast and hard but possible not impossible. 

Foot seems to be improving slowly. We'll see what the doc says tomorrow. 

Somehow got on this documentary. There's a close captions for the irish language spoken in it. Dennis Cahill had an important influence on my appreciation and perspective of traditional Irish music esp mostly because he was inseparable from Martin Hayes. 

And Martin's fiddle playing was key. He taught my sister a bit of how to play the irish fiddle, and just his style influenced me. and my incredibly infrequent playing. 

Funny thing, this morning I was riding in and heard someone trying to sing scales for practice in the neighborhood... and then somehow that triggered all the years of that for me and i found my key and sang a few scales... while riding.

It is an amazing documentary, the music is fucking amazing. so, fucking good.

But then there was an undeniable chemistry between those two musicians...

will circle back maybe... lot going on... busy...

heddwch

G

It is a tuesday pretending to be a monday

 A pile of stuff to unload, but of course I'm time crunched and right up against it.

So I'll put this here, maybe get back to this a bit later.

or not

we'll see

That and I often wonder if the few people I've shared this with over the last year or so have kept checking in or gone the way of most of the rest of the blog readers? If feels like the audience is about the same size as the bloggers, tiny.

And I'm okay with that. Just curious.

heddwch

G

AND TO TOP IT OFF

 I realized this morning that unless this foot heals up super quickly...

CX is not going to happen.

AGAIN. or at least not till late in the season. 

Riding is better than walking but riding is different than the impact of cyclocross stairs/dismount/barriers stuff. 

Riding isn't perfect for it, but the CX-7 shoes are way better than the CX-3 shoes. Not sure why, shape or stiffness or something. 

So yeah. Just fucking awesome.

I know I don't advertise that yesterday was my birthday much/at all. But what was noticeable was the complete lack of recall from a few people with birthdays on the same day that I always reach out to say HBD to but didn't this year to see if anyone remembered. Of course they didn't. 

Handful of other friends that have been about as reliable and welcome with wishes over the years, and usually a bright spot in the day... didn't, probably for lots of good reasons, middle of the week, so much going on. I'm used to it. But was kind of curious how distinctly absent it all was this year.

Whatever.

That day is behind and I can move on until next year when the same thing will happen and i'll be depressed for a week leading up to it and probably fighting a completely new and novel acute turned chronic injury that will make year 4 in a row of stupid shit keeping from stuff.

Gonna go sort out a few things, check progress on others, the grab some ice and water and soak my foot for a bit.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

G

Test of Time

 

Words to the song:

Celebrate another trip around the sun

Maybe you are feeling it

Naked to the waste with the paper

More time I am just searching

All waking day I've been up to nothing

But I snore like I have been working

Really fussy with food and never complain

Do any drug any stranger gives me

Music from the past

The eagle fans out west to climb

Beauty doesn't last

Evil stands the test of time

Around that energy every night

Don't smoke food get second hand high

Come from the center of this little island

Come from the memory of love lives

Come from the empire where the sun never dies

I come from the empire where the blood never dries

Celebrate another trip around the sun

Maybe you are feeling it

Sun is the colour of the palour of love

Or am I deeping too much?

Mixed up and discussed with a knife and fork

Mixed up in discussions of a life that's forked

Witness as that 60 quid dress turns into 60K in child support

My head has so many tabs open

Lines of inquiry that ended somewhere

But life keeps reminding you like adverts embedded

In the other thing your killing time doing

Celebrate another trip around the sun

Maybe you are feeling it

Naked to the waste with the paper

More time I'm just searching

All waking day I've been up to nothing

But I snore like I have been working

Right this is in me, this full kicking juice

Mike Skinner singing the mule skinner blues

Nothing but cry from the bottom of the bottle

Don't wolf whistle me, please!

I've put on the my cleanest dirty trainers

Like Kris Kristofferson's me

I come from the center of this little island

I come from the memory of love lives

I come from the empire where the sun never died

I come from the empire where the blood never dried

Celebrate another trip around the sun

Maybe you are feeling it

You want to be shaking in the car

Or floodlit in the spot

Do you want to be hated for what you are

Or loved for what you're not

Celebrate another trip around the sun

Maybe you are feeling it now that it's done

Take it to the future, make it into new times

And don't ask for signs and then ignore the signs

Music from the past

The eagle fans out west to climb

Beauty doesn't last

Evil stands the test of time

Celebrate another trip around the sun

Maybe you are feeling it

Celebrate another trip around the sun

Maybe you are feeling it

So here I am. Today.

No ride.

Shitty weather.

Woke up way too early. Tried to fall asleep but had a dream that bugged me awake. Fucking watch tells me how it is. Very little deep sleep. Tied to Tuesday night smackdown?
Perhaps.

Tuesday night was supposed to be dry.

It wasn't.

Myette showed up. Small group of people showed up. Basically an A ride. Pretty steady and good. I hung on until part way up Pine of course. Started getting gapped and then totally gapped. Frenchie sat up, he says he couldn't keep it up, too fat, maybe, or maybe he looked back and saw me gapped and sat up to ride with me. We eventually picked up JasonP and the three of us did a full on team time trial. Really really hard ride, on the limit. I pulled a bit too hard at one point and they both eased off so I could get back on. Hillside sucked but I made it up and we all rolled back together.

Not too far off the super fast guys pace. But we worked really hard and it was good.

Even if it was wet.

Had a good chat with Matt before and after, also with Christian after. Finally rode home in the dark. Ate a salad. Finished a bag of chips. Went to bed.

Dark cloud hanging over my head and the skies.

Caught some of the fog on the way in, check the IG for the photos. Shot a few frames with the film.

Edited and shared, check the slicking job running and it actually looks fucking good. I hope there's some of the stuff we're looking for in the data.

Not super motivated. Surprise surprise. 

we'll see how the rest of the day goes. 

trying to stay busy to keep from thinking

but ya know

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch
G

of fucking course

Weather looked shitty.

Said fuck it and started a much delayed and needed project that requires two consecutive days at work. Why take a vacation day if I'm not riding all day.

Get the job started. Look at the weather. 

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Like for real?

What's the fucking point. Fuck.

And off course it was a little wet riding home to swap bikes for Smackdown. 

GUESS THE MADONE IS GOING TO GET DIRTY ALL OVER AGAIN. DAYS WITHOUT RIDING IN THE RAIN BACK TO ZERO 

le sigh

G

forget f5'n the weather

 Tomorrow's fucked.

Might as well save the vacation day, get some shit done and turn my phone off and deal with it.

Not sure even if Smackdown is happening tonight.

My foot is super fucked still. Almost better than Saturday at the shop it got all bloated and itchy and now my right ankle is 2x as big as my left and painfully achy. Could be from the hit back in July then the walking in France. But it isn't better. Yesterday's photo walk didn't help but it was already bad so fuck it.

And now my doc can't see me till next week. Maybe it'll be better. Probably not. 

No CX practice. Probably need to rest it until it is better instead of spending a day on it making it worse.

Oh and my eye is angry and irritated. Real banger of a day.

I'd have thought about maybe going for a ride in the woods after the storm passes... but one of the birthday MTB rides I smashed my head pretty good and really don't feel like riding alone tomorrow. 

So much for film photos of the birthday ride.

And no.

Can't do the ride a different day. Doesn't work like that [for me].

Tomorrow or nothing. Yes, that's stupid, but fuck it. I make the rules on this.

I gotta get back to distracting myself with annoying shit to fix and deal with.

And yeah yeah yeah Amor Fati Motherfuckers...

heddwch
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F5 the weather

 On endless repeat.

There was hope a few days ago. Now?

Looks like it was good to go fully and totally into the well of reserves and push past yesterday on the mt bike.

Because Tuesday looks like a washout.

But worse? Wednesday looks shitty too.

Like, what the fuck am I supposed to do, level shitty.

And of COURSE it is bugging me and i'm already moody and depressed about it

Like, when the whole day for the past 12 years has been focused around riding all day... I guess I should be positive and say hey, in the last 12 years you've had great weather or had other complications that kept you off the bike (department retreat where i was at a big party but no one said happy birthday, you'd think they'd make a point of knowing when employee birthdays were).

BUT I KNOW I SHOULD BE FINE WITH IT RAINING BUT FUCKING HELL 

And yeah, honestly I'm thinking fuck it just go ride MTB slowly alone in the woods, in the rain, till I'm tired and then come home. 

Dunno what to do honestly. Kind of hung up on the age mileage, thing, 50+ in the dirt, 100+ on the road, but I guess, fuck it i could wake up take it easy, load up and go ride in the rain. Maybe park in the middle of BR like at Hopkins hill and do all the trails on one side and the other and have a spot to refuel. Carry two bottles and just ride. Maybe the Singlespeed? I don't know. Really not keen on riding alone, but woods in the rain is better than road in the rain, and the woods and trails I know best are pretty much unaffected by rain, if not better (more difficult to ride).

I just don't fucking know.

And now it is impacting my productivity. I'm a distracted mess.

Maybe I should just take the whole week off.

Except I can't, well I could but it would fuck way too much shit up for me to okay with. Although I'm not sure why I can't just be okay with it. 

And no. Doing the ride the day after on the 31st when it is all clear (and windy as fuck) isn't the same.

Guess I'll got back to F5'n the weather and try to get through all this shit to do.

I KNOW I KNOW 

AMOR FATI MOTHERFUCKER

but still

le sigh

heddwch
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Okay that was more like it

 Still got dropped on Pine, but only about half way up and didn't lose sight of them until I got to the top when Graham drove the pace back over 25 on the backside. That time differential when I'm still going up the last rise on Pine and the group is already going 2x as fast is close to insurmountable.

But I wasn't last this time, not by a good margin, and had French Frank to chase. Caught him on Homestead, he jumped in my draft and I made use of the new bike and cranked that shit solo and hard. We caught up with Frenchie (different guy) he'd been dropped and he jumped in and I finally had to pull off and let Frank take a turn. We made the next turn (new August loop no rocky hill) and I went back to the front and drove the pace to the base of Hillside when Frank took over going up. We caught up with another dropped rider going up Hillside and there were now four. Made it over Hillside, hard right on pine and again I went to the front, drove the pace from there, through the left turn and then all the way to the track. Wasn't the fastest time but I was in the front the whole fucking time. And it felt not bad. The Pine to walker run wasn't my fastest but I think the fastest time was sitting in the draft while a handful of people took turns driving the pace, and it was in 2016. I felt pretty good for doing as well completely solo, I did more or less completely fade just before getting to wheeler. Frenchie took over, and then Carlos set a solid pace up Walker and I was able to actually sit in because the bike turned so easily and so much faster than everyone else. Sat there until Frenchie and Frank went up and but I dug deep and legs reposnded.

MUCH better feeling than last week.

And it didn't rain. Still a good bit of work to do. Using the garmin watch to track HR and sleep is kind of helping a little, still more on the data collection side than the put a plan into action side but they are slowly coming together. Lotta work to do. 

And yeah i rode the Madone to work today, recovery on the same bike that induced the stress. I think the Crockett (rode that on Monday) needs the saddle raised a little. I think that new carbon post slipped a little.

Yes, you can ride a CX bike on the road but holy shit is it not the same. Handling, so different. Yeah, this Madone is way overkill for me but I honestly really like how it rides. And I'm grateful I can appreciate the differences. It is a good feeling. 

Had maybe planned on using a vacation day from here and heading to the bike shop tomorrow to spend the day and go for the shop ride at the end of the day but a busted scope and lots to do are complicating the week here and keeping me around. Had a moment of hope that I could get out in the morning but have to be here so something else will have to be sorted out.

MIGHT have an idea for new wednesday maybe... fingers crossed. 

Some good content out there, becca's leadville vlog, and then there's this that DV shared on Bluesky yesterday. That I just watched, then just before finishing had a long talk with an undergrad about life, about choices, grad school, science...

And then I finished watching and there was the nugget I needed. That point of him being happiest when death was imminent. I think about MLFN and how he was in the face of a certain and soon death. How his will to live and love of live was more than seemingly could fit in one person. 

If everyone could live with that purpose and love, how amazing would the communities be. 

More to think about, life is a terminal sentence. You don't need to die an honorable death to lead an honorable life full of purpose and compassion.

I came across this quote from Norwegian Wood this morning:
"That’s why you need to grab whatever chance you have for happiness where you find it, and not worry too much about other people. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a lifetime, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives."

Not worry too much about other people is what I get hung up on. To some point yes, you can't worry about others in pursuit of your own happiness. But also simple rule of be kind should also guide your choices.

Back to steph's rule of life "The choices you make" are yours alone.

So we carry on, we do what is good, and if we're lucky we'll find happiness. before we die and cease to be.

heddwch
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This one too

 Okay so posting it before watching because I'm going to eat and watch.

But it is Cami B. Gotta be good and worth watching.

Just so good

 This was a good thing to watch.

And now starts a new chapter

Just saw this...  Apropos of nothing 

“It's a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you're ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now. And you may as well do it now. Generally speaking, now is as good a time as any.”

― Hugh Laurie

So now what?

Had a moment, listened to the wrong song, looked at cross results points...  it is bad. I am slow. Lost what little cycling fitness was hiding under the stress and fatigue walking and sitting in France and all the stuff coming back.

But then RTK popped in to bluesky and said we're w/in 5 points of each other and now, kind of more motivated.

Somehow. 

Motivation is a weird thing. 

Kid drop off at her university went well, coaches were there to greet right off the bat, we got everything schlepped up 5 floors. I took some photos, posted them, ate lunch at a dining hall, walked around, looked at the merch, left kid with her people. Drove home.

What a crazy start, and how excited can I be for her? I'm as excited and as I am proud. 
Watching this, hell, who doesn't want to go to college again? esp as a place like this:

"Slow down and fix things"

"Time and space for careful reflection"

I guess link it up to the start, slow down and fix things, but also don't be afraid to start. 

It is a long talk, but the weather is nice and I can imagine the kid sitting there listening, wondering how she's filtering and absorbing the talks. 

Arguments are only won by giving your opponent a hearing. Hmm

Not sure what the rest of the day brings here. I should ride more, ride with more intention, need to focus on something. Probably should sign up for a race or two. Should plan the ride for the 30th. I wonder if I'll be able to get anyone to ride with me, hope so, we'll see, i've given up having hope on that side of things. 

But planning, figuring out, all part of the process. It is weird being near the end of august and having august being the lowest mileage and time month cycling of the whole year. Not a great sign for cyclocross season for someone who responds better to volume than intensity.

Do I have a good idea what I need to do? Yes. 

Do I have a clear idea of how I'm going to make it happen? Not a fucking clue.

Time to take a photo walk I think. still haven't loaded film into one of the other cameras. Maybe Wednesday. 

Need to plan out the week and get things lined up in case the system at work gets fixed in time.

Wearing this garmin watch has been interesting. Tracking sleep mostly but the rest of it, the movement, the steps the stairs...  the move. the stuff...  Data, all just Data but is it helpful? Dunno yet. Not enough data.

Getting used to wearing it though.

Time to walk, then eat, then get to the rest of the list for today. Productive with a brief interlude.

heddwch
G

When plans go pear shaped

 Sunday's plans were to just have a quiet slow morning (and wait for the storms to pass), drive down to the shop and replace the spoke and then go for a shorter easy MTB ride in Big River on the way home.

First part was easy to do. 

And went really well. Was delayed by a shopping trip that used the car I needed to take but I kept my foot elevated and wrapped for that time. Got all the bike stuff packed up, had a good long chat with the oldest about the early stages of transitioning, yeah, not a secret but also not something that gets talked a lot about, and I wont but the most important part is we had a good long chat about the state of the UCI ban and what lead up to it as I see it and the vague impressions most people have because they don't understand the science or don't want to and the science isn't quite robust enough to dispel uncertainty and fear. 

Packed up stuff for the MTB ride, AND I FOUND MY LITTLE MINI PUMP, no more riding around with the hip pack and no way to inflate a tire if I needed to.

Cleaned up the Top Fuel (shifty squishy bike). Brake still rubbing a little, maybe I'll look at that when I get to the shop if the spoke replacement goes well.

Finally headed down, needed fuel, gas prices were 20-30 cents higher than the station by the house, usually the other way around. I think I can make it to the shop, to Big River and then back home. Barely. Lets risk it (and drive slow to maximize fuel economy).

Headed to the shop, found a spoke that works (4mm shorter than what the  build specs were on the tech document.. IDK), re-used the tape. Yup. I did. We'll see if that was a bad idea or not. It is a double layer of Stans. The sticky was a little worn, but seemed to holding air.

And then it was time to tweak that brake. Rubbing is okay but not great. 

Grabbed a flashlight after a while to try and judge the gap. and noticed there wasn't much between the pad and the backing plate. Hmm. Pulled the pads to inspect. Well fuck. It literally was a few microns away from the spring touching the rotor. That's how worn it was. And the spring might have been thinned a little because it didn't like going in or out and that was it. Donezo. 

Okay I'll just put new pads in.

Except nope. No A2 or T2 Hayes Dominion pads in stock. Q has zero of either in stock. BTI has the A2 but not the T2. T2 are alloy backed and nice and light. A2 are steel backed and well, I'll take ANYTHING but nope, nothing. 

Ordered a set of A2, put the T2 on the watch/want list. Fortunately the order was going in yesterday so I have a chance of riding the bike NEXT WEEK. But not this week. Although, next week, hmmm. Shit.

That's move youngest into college weekend. Maybe no bike riding.

Loaded bike on the car and just drove home. Put my feet up for a few minutes then cooked dinner.

No bike ride.

But I guess maybe no bike ride is better than single speed ride that destroyed me in prep for Tuesday.

I really wanted to ride the Madone this morning, but CF says it isn't a commuter bike. So I didn't ride it.
BUT the weather tomorrow looks like shit. Not sure how that's going to go but maybe I'll ride anyway because I haven't had a rain free ride (that wasn't a commute/shakedown) on the Madone. Why start now? It isn't really a rain bike but fuck it sure is acting like it now.

Singlespeed surly this morning but kept the cadence up. Some knucklehead had all the blinky lights on today, just a tiny bit faster than me on the Surly and then he turned around at the end of the path and headed south. 

Felt good pedaling. Maybe tomorrow will be okay. 

It is also really weird wearing the watch all the time. But the sleep metrics are interesting and last night kind of nailed it until Millie woke me up early. She needed some water and to go outside. So today started a bit earlier than planned.

Maybe tomorrow's forecast will clear out and look good. Maybe.

heddwch
G

 

Back and crushed

 Well, made it back and I went right to work the next morning. 

Good idea or bad idea, not sure. But it was a crazy busy couple days, then Friday off. Had plans to do shit Friday, maybe go to the shop, but then I just was exhausted. 

Doc took a look at the issue with my foot, something is fucked up but nothing serious, but it will need time to heal and I need to keep my feet up and off them as much as I can. And I'm tired. 

So Friday I stayed home, then went grocery shopping because the pantry and fridge were empty.

Thursday morning I set up L's old VivoActive 3. The one she lost so completely that we bought a replacement, two months later she found the old one. So I finally decided to try it out. Mostly for HR and sleep metrics. It is a little weird sleeping with it but I think having some data to go off will help. Or not.

Like last night. Got a decent night sleep but was still tired, of all the time only 46 minutes were deep sleep. Almost double that in REM and most of it all in light sleep. How it measures? I dunno but even if it is off it is probably consistently off and reasonably reliable. 

But I still woke up tired and just out of it so, pulled the plug on the bike shop. Just kind or relaxed and putzed around, watched the Men's XCO. That was crazy. Helped sort stuff out for college shopping, then everyone went off for that, I stayed home. Very strange TBH. I'm never home, esp two days in a row. 

But I'm tired of being tired. So I'm working hard at catching up, making tough choices. 

We did finally buy tickets for Colorado, missing Parents Weekend, Rowing Parents welcome party, Head of the Housatonic, Night weasels, MRCCX, and who knows what else, but the memorial service is important.

Spent too long looking at Car Rentals. How the fuck do you choose one? I am such a travel rookie. 

There's a hornet nest in the wall by the car, I stuffed a bunch of peppermint soaked cotton balls in the cracks, they didn't seem to like it, maybe it'll get them to move or abandon that nest. I'd rather not spray it down with bee killer.

Finally went to address the busted spoke in case the weather clears and I can ride the easy bike tomorrow. Got the rotor, cassette off the tire off, peeled the tape back got the nipple out. Pulled the spokes I thought were the right size out...  too long, esp with the nipples I grabbed. The factory ones have a longer section w/o threads and sit 2-3mm shorter than I can make work. So well, fuck. Need different spoke. And so I either put it all back together or leave it apart. I dunno what. Might try and get stuff back together. Put the wheels and cassette back on the Klein. start taking the Paramount apart. Fix the rear flat on the Black Blue (commute with gears on dry days bike).

Will save cleaning the CX bike for another time. 

The trip was amazing, my kid is amazing, I'm proud of what she did. Her boat is also getting all the media coverage, a very photogenic boat. 

I'm tired of being tired. But it is weird to try and not do much, to try and rest. So fucking weird.

I wonder if the drinking created that space of forced chill and relaxation, even if medically induced. And yeah plenty of people suggest I go for a bit of the legal weed and self medicate with that but I'm leery of it and don't really want to temp the addiction pathway with something. Should be able to figure it out without it. Maybe.

Or maybe I'm just getting old. Mike talks a bit about it and it hit home. Yeah yeah all his shit seems to hit home for me. I dunno, he's just writing for me or something.

I suppose I've been sitting long enough. Move says the watch. Get up and finish what I started with the bike even if that means putting the tire, cassette and disc rotor back on the wheel to make it easier to bring to the shop. 

And that flat. And those wheels, Not sure where the partially dissasembled P-mount will go. Gotta figure that out.

too much to figure out...  

still...

always...

and next week is gonna be nuts. le sigh...

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

Heddwch
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