checking things off the list

 another mtb ride

actually almost took a nap

haven't had coffee since before 2pm (new record)

that big weight, my part is done now just time to wait for months to see what happens

van? it works, still on the chopping block from the others "not trusted" "huge anxiety source" 

sigh

i certainly understand anxiety sources...

One more ride tomorrow? maybe not, getting some weather, a bit of rain in the morning. Actually kind of thinking about one more ride on the trainer, just for the hell of it, but also, maybe i'll just take a nap.

2020 started off with a MTB ride. Whole lotta good that did for the year. Heck, maybe try it again, maybe it'll work for 2021...

have fun, ride bikes, be kind,

all that shit

heddwch
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it is a

 Christmas miracle! The minivan got a sticker today. CRAZY.

Of course, on the way home, the CEL turned on. Haven't checked the code but I'm guessing it is the P0420 code (catalytic converter - aka rear O2 sensor seeing a problem). Not surprising given how much oil it has burned over the course of the 145k miles. A good sense of relief, but traded that planet of anxiety on my shoulders for the heavier one with the school aid application. 

And since I've basically come to terms with not completing the Rapha Festive 500 challenge, maybe that means I should go out for a MTB ride tomorrow (shit to do today - also rest day).

It isn't obvious unless you've seen it before but the starter ground strap is corroded, yeah the engine mount is completely collapsed too. No wonder there's some weird vibrations every once in a while. 

How long will this big fuel hogging minivan keep going? Who knows. 

But the saga keeps going a bit longer. Hey extra bonus? It is all cleaned out and vacuumed. 

Now to mount some studded tires on a bike, which bike... hmmm hard to pick, i could put them on the E-bike I guess, for the plowing and all that, but was thinking maybe putting them on the spare wheels for the crockett and make that the ice bike. 

y'all be good, be well, don't be like me and let all the little shit get to you

heddwch

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Yesterday

 a struggle to get the full 40 miles. Got almost 20 on the MTB of course the avg speed was low but the bike fit in the golf wagon and it was pretty aweseom.

i did feel complete dulled out there, edge dulled, no snap, no peak power, i know this feeling, it isn't good... got in the last bit of stuff later in the afternoon. Hit the mark, it wasn't easy.

got up and rode in to get the covid test for the job stuff, checked into the office - did some cleaning up and sorting, headed home. 

jacked up the car after eating food, discovered the grounding strap on the starter was corroded off basically, i touched it and it disconnected, def not enough currrent flow to start. Took it out, went and got a new one, some muffler paste/glue stuff, and the van can now start and move itself and has paperwork ready for inspection. Could just be throwing the inspection cost away if it turns out not to pass and there's a bunch of shit that has to be done but worth the risk, worst case it fails and we have 30 days to figure something out while still having a legal drivable vehicle. 

So i rode in and home, nothing extra. That's only 14 miles or so. And that is 26 miles shy of what I needed to stay on pace for the Festive 500.

Headed down to the basement to get on the trainer, i have a little bit of a headache, i feel pretty tired, everything feels tired esp after working on the car. 

I started off at the pace, and pretty quickly gave up. A mile ticked by incredibly slowly, and 25 more? Fuuuuuck.

I stuck it out for 10 miles (9.97) and it took an embarassingly long time just to get that many. I'm cooked. 

This festive thing is probably not happening...  If i do nothing more tonight (no way) it means 205 or so KM in 3 days, not the end of the world, i've done 200k in one day pretty easily but not on the trainer and not in this cold outside. 

I'm okay without hitting the 500, falling short, meh no big deal, i did hit the 5/8k mark and topped 200k feet climbing. That's enough no point pushing way beyond just for this challenge.

Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and feel energized, but i doubt it, i have to get the van to the garage for the inspection. And who knows what else. 

Didn't sleep very well, intense dreams and woke up a bunch through the night, lot going on, car stuff mostly but maybe soon I can leave it be. Was looking up all i could on the jetta, a pile of people are urging me to stay away from them but i dunno, a bit late for that, we already have one (two - for now the minivan kind of counts as a VW) but i'm not sold on getting a used prius...  So many strong opinions...

But i fixed the non-starting on the van, we'll see what else, but the inclination is not to put any more money at the thing...

guess i should go make dinner since i ended the trainer session way early.

might take the day off the bike tomorrow... we'll see how i feel...

I made a comment over on IG, something about how the year has not been great, not even good, but put the year at the end of the sentence and people wondered what was wrong, dude it is 2020, shit is FUCKED, getting better? perhaps, and yes, things are not bad here, we're going well as can be, aside from this car stuff... and that's pretty insignificant when it comes right down to it.

we'll see what tomorrow will bring

heddwch
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a couple more days

 Till the new year rolls around. 

What will this one bring, what do we have to do to get there?

Quite a lot actually. The minivan thing is sort of the sticking point. Maybe put a new starter? Probably cheaper than a tow, then there's the whole inspection sticker game, new sticker might require a lot of resources. New car doesn't fix everything but it changes it all. Not a new new car just a new used car. Maybe we go pick something that is CPO and maybe they take the van off our hands in trade, would be the easiest. Sure private sale would be best but the extra convenience of just not having to do anything has significant value not to be discounted.  But then also calling the salvage yard to drop it off for some cash, esp if i can get it to start a few more times w/o putting a new starter in (or having them come pick it up) also would be easy. 

Really not that much to think about, but such is the life of someone this age with limited resources. TBH, the van is/has been a good anxiety catalyst. Replacing it is even worse. Couldn't fall asleep last night - car options kept popping in my head. Reality is it would be my car primarily until the kid has their license and then we'd play the three drivers three agendas and two car game. A little easier than when we did the two drivers and one car and multiple agendas. But that was the spring and no racing for me.

Not driving to VA has been really nice, not driving a vehicle that sounded like it was going to explode even better. I guess I really did block out how much stress and tension driving that Van down there and back caused. And then last year the whole which car to fix, which to keep challenge. But we asked the van for another year and it delivered. Asking for one more might be just a bit too much for me or the van, taking a day or two and a pile of money might get us there but then what? What'll fail next, and when. Back to a vehicle that only I will drive, when we get to that point it is probably a sign to just get rid of that and replace it. I hate cars quite a bit. Probably because i understand enough of how they work to be able to fix it if I can target the problem but limited in time and tools and space to do all this stuff. 

Besides if I commit to a tear down and road worthy before the 31st then there goes a lot of time for me to try and hit the Festive 500 mark. One mark so dumb given how I'm doing it that it can't be have some physical benefit. First one is just that's a huge pile of calories expended over a week, a balance and potential lever to reduce coffee intake and lay down some base to add some intensity to later. This Dumb trainer is the bigger problem, the fluid resistance is progressive and starts out not light, only way to go easy is to go really slowly, going really slowly doesn't cover miles very well. So basically this is going to be a week of Z2 work in 70-90 min chunks 2x a day. Might try and mix it up but finding the limitation of the Wahoo might reduce that possibility. Doing the stock FTP test w/o power (or any of the work outs that I have access to) probably won't work.

so a couple more days of cranking out 64km a day i guess. Easily going to get the 8.000km mark for the year but all this indoor riding leaves me at 800' short of 200,000' elevation gain. And that's maybe okay, no need to hit every mark and make it a nice round number.

Well on the second day of christmas i hope y'all are enjoying it, take care of each other, be well... make better choices than I have or likely will, life is easier that way.

heddwch
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the year being the year

 Strava finally got me the archive link. Only 489MB, not so bad. Almost four thousand activities...

Started the morning slow - kid joined me for shopping trip, went to get in the van, click nothing...  something's dead. Not even a glimmer like a dead battery, turn key to start from on, nothing...

Have I mentioned it's been sitting on my mind a bit lately? Inspection sticker is due, exhaust has a leak in one of the pipes, needs to be replaced, who knows what else. And now this? Can't even drive it there.

Can't really go MTB'n even. No hitch or roof rack on the other little car (it is a wagon, not tiny but comparably so). 

Maybe it is an easy fix, maybe not, but again the unknown. And the timing. Coming up on the Christmas holiday, then New Year comes around and 2020 is over.

But this is one last kick in the balls I did not want or expect. Sure I guess it was always a possibility, could have happened down in Gansett and that might have caused more complications. Could have died at the grocery store. But my brain is my worst enemy and I've already been on the edge this week, this kind of walked up behind me and shoved me hard over the edge.

I've been on the trainer in the basement 3 days in a row now Tonight was the longest session, had to stop and check it, the fluid unit was getting so hot it was stinking, and I wasn't even going fast. Hell my speed and hr sort of declined as the ride went on and I didn't even go that hard. 

I watched the end of IO (sci fi movie on Netflix- kid signed up again at urging of their mother so the two of them could watch the crown). I started it the day before. Last night i just listened to a book. So when that finished I dug around and found AO - or whatever Anon? with Clive Owen... some more sci fi bullshit...

Would zwifting be better? Perhaps, it might, but like i mentioned on Strava, not with this trainer and not without power. Haven't quite figured out how to program a trainer workout yet, the garmin let me build something and then do it - Wahoo not so much. I could do some of the canned ones that came with it, but they look power based and not quite what I want. But I have speed, cadence and HR numbers. Granted speed is only relative to this trainer and not outside. 

This has been a good distraction but not really helping. Still kind of a smoldering pile of shit feeling right now. And of course there is renewed discussion about what the kid should drive should learn to drive on, big no way on the Minivan. Funny, how it was the reliable vehicle last year this time, other than the wheel bearings. And now it is sitting dead out front and i'm at about the same or worse position trying to diagnose it than I was with the volvo... at this point i'm just inclined to have it towed to the garage that did the wheel bearings last year and has done the inspections. Throw money at it maybe, or give them enough money to figure out the extent and the cause and the cost to fix and then call the salvage yard and drop back to a one car family until something else can be sorted. 

know anyone looking to rehome a decent car? 

at least i got the grocery shopping done, don't have to be in Gansett for a while, and the trails are still wrecked and covered with snow... Not sure I can mentally or physically do 500km on the trainer between the 26th and the 31st, esp not this trainer.  But maybe that's just what I need to do... get a nice long audio book and get some huge steady state miles in. oh i stopped the upload of the archive because it was all being loaded in as the MTB...  that's gonna be a draw back to that importation..

no start on the van, no mtb, no travel, trainer sounds not terrible, feels it tho...

anyway - i've gotta figure out how to get out of my own head here and do something... not sure how to recalibrate...

oh well life goes on and 2020 keeps being 2020...

heddwch

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watched a couple inspiration short films tonight

Just realized, they are about riding in two places I have a huge familiarity with geographically and ecologically... 

Lots and lots of time spent in both of them...

And really almost no riding in either place. Esp compared to how much I've ridden in Michigan and New England. I've even explored more of NoVa on a bike than either of these places.

It is a bittersweet kind of longing, esp as I get older, the erosion of time is more ominous... more oppressive, heavier? not sure how to quite describe it... complicated.

But that Colorado connection is different, maybe if my dad hadn't had moved out so late in the disease progression, hadn't hung on to MD as long as he had. But These are all random immaterial ifs. No sense in trying to figure that out.

The second film, actually the first one I watched, more local, and riding out at my brother's house in Kingston on the gravel, on his fixed gear bike was pretty fucking amazing, I could totally see doing the Oly Pen route. 

And even if I don't do that soon/ever, at least maybe i can finally give the Festive 500 a shot this year. 

Would absolutely put me at the 8000km for the year and that would be pretty awesome mark to pass...

That film is this:

embedding them with the blogger embedding tool - differently than I usually do it because i'm not on a computer right now.

Find the motivation you need, and the inspiration you didn't expect.

heddwch

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200 to go

 8,000 km

that's certainly a much better goal than stupid 5k miles eh?

Right? except instead of 200 miles to go I have 321 km to go... before the 31st.

And a big ol'fucking snow laden nor'easter blowin in tonight.

I finally listened to TSwift's Evermore album start to finish. (with pauses for emails and work). Finished right before a big meeting. It was good.

i think Brandi's album is stronger and more emotional to me right now but maybe that's all hinged on the Joke and Mother. 

We were all in seattle last year, pretty sure my sister wasn't going to make the big show in seattle because she had to be on stage with the Seattle Symphony and Brandi Carlile...  but that show got cancelled, last week she gave birth (a bit early) to a baby girl... My kids are essentially grown up now, even the youngest, the kid tall enough to make me feel the need to stand up straighter...

That health crap I was worried about with the pending blood work. No big deal. I guess. At least not from those tests. A couple weeks of stress and worry I suppose, what else to do? Knee was feeling pretty wonky yesterday. Better today but every ache and pain now suddenly can not be written off, and triggers a whole cascade of what the fuck is this a symptom of, instead of just having a simple but overlooked cause.

This time last year I was pretty miserable, missing friends who were all racing just a few miles from the concert venue, out there with them all, flying back with a couple of the great ones.

I certainly don't ever want to repeat the violin chase again, that was fucking terrifying. At least my phone isn't dying everytime i take a photo... still... it sucks not seeing family in December in Washington this year. I miss seeing the progression of the growing up of my nephew, seeing the place I grew up. Feeling at home but decidedly an outsider a visitor. That juxtaposition of being from there but very much not belonging there. 

Fucking life eh? had a good couple days - def feel that mood trending down, the frustration of missing the big ride on Sunday... sure, def balanced by knowing it was the right call and the rest of the burdens being carried.

This time of year "what are you getting ____" I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE period, no, idea, 

of course that sends me into the annual spiral of panic and paralysis - getting easier? I dunno...

I've gotta get on the other scope soon, maybe can get a few things done before a 3pm meeting, maybe a few more after.

At least I remember to plug in my headlight before it was time to ride home.

hug those you can

heddwch

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this whole album

 

it is so good - this song esp

will write more soon perhaps

at least I can listen to this on repeat while dealing with emails and scheduling and the rest

Take a minute while it is up

 Good feels..

brings back memories - that was fun

i do not, not at all

 recommend that you go back through email archives

i suppose on one hand they are a great record, but then again lately with so much death around us all right now

mortality, our brief time here, seems so much more tangible. What happens? Get covid, ICU, dead. Can happen in days. 

What's the meaning of all this stuff. These bikes, those other non-bike items with insane significance to you because your brain remembers every emotion associated with the item. Or the bike stuff, that only you get, or maybe 10 other people get how cool it is, just junk to most everyone.

What happens to it all. 

Is it better to purge and say good bye to it all yourself, than to leave those behind with piles of shit to go through with no meaning?

Like the whole top floor of a barn in the PacNW with all the shit my dad didn't want to part with. It was all stable in the high mountain desert of Colorado. Not so much in a damp rat infested barn. Sleeping bag from the army in the 60s? Perfect shape in CO, not so much now. 

These were all things that no one else really had any value associated with, or less than my dad did and so it all got moved. He got worse, we were all supposed to clean it all out and go through it last Feb, then March, then well, you know what happened.

I picked probably the worst email to look at, in a folder I don't usually encounter too often. But today back and forth in the spam looking for not-spam. Oh btw - don't you love the emails saying send me this much money because i have your password (one that Google yelled at me to change in March and I did - all but two instances - those are now changed too) and incriminating photos and all your ____ contacts (I don't use contacts btw - also really pretty much don't care). Anyway, yeah everyone gets those all the time - or at least frequently, anyway. Passed a folder. Scrolled down and read an email from Feb 2014. 

I'm already in a bit of a funk today - was productive today and wasn't terrible, and my light is charged, shouldn't have to ride home in emergency blinking battery mode. This kind of pushed it over.

The health thing, waiting on those results, yeah yeah nothing I can do, don't let it get to you, flip the switch, just let it be. Yeah, that doesn't work. A bit overwhelmed having committed to getting the full 5k this year. 5k seems pretty damn low, but then E's new car only has 7700 miles on it and it is was at less than 20 miles on the ODO at the end of December. I've ridden more than that in a year. But now I need to come up with 280 miles by the end of the year. Riding in, i was thinking, where do i want to ride? Somehow burned out on road riding, can i come up with that many miles on the dirt? Maybe, maybe not. We'll see I guess. 

Was going to leave early today. 

But read the email, and my replies...

and opened this up...

Obviously all the shit hanging over from yesterday is still here... 

Today kind of added to it...

I guess that's the good part of being a big wookie... can carry everything for longer than most anyone...

And I'll probably cry when someone asks me "what makes you happy" and I can't come up with anything other than riding my bike, esp my mt bike... everything else is just frustrating and life... 

Gonna cue up some tunes for the ride home, let soundcloud give me something, probably dubstep or random EDM mix...  maybe it'll help keep me from thinking while I pedal..

at least the lights are fully charged now...

time to pedal, right after i put my shoes and helmet on...

heddwch

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irregular

 of course i went over and got caught up on my reading and there aren't many people still making good content. Stevil is one...

That take about podcasts vs blogs got me - most of his shit does. But man are we two different people but in some ways the same but not at all. does that make sense? 

Superficially there is that orange jumpsuit thing. Someday I really need to chronical mine, it has a different origin story than Stevil's. But the common thread is Vardaros, the beligan transplant via california from new york...  but timing also was my first real season racing CX in NE. but it started way back in Michigan with working on the TDIs...

so it kind of encapsulates everything...  

couple things hanging over my head right now - biggest is something the doc wants blood work info from that isn't concerning but isn't normal...  so of course GeWilli is overthinking it and googling the fuck out of variation and running down symptoms and not finding them and getting more confused...

clearly identifying that I need to hit the reset button HARD. Like never before.

No CX racing means no focus or discipline beyond just being functional. 

Being functional means just drinking more coffee, right? Got that down. 

No Trip to the PacNW for the Yuletide concerts. I've missed them twice. Once in 2006 (file this under tying into the orange jumpsuit and CX) when CX nats were in PVD. Missed the whole trip no visit. Next one was 2009 (Bend CX nats), but that one i flew in and out of Seattle and managed to get back stage for the Bellevue concert. So while not on stage at least I saw everyone and was able to be there. 
While this really isn't the kind of reset needed it is very much a hard core shake up. it messes up time zone and sleep patterns so much that I can't but reset when I return. or at least really dig a deep enough hole that I have to take a couple weeks to recover from.

And usually that recovery seems to happen somewhere where I don't have to do much, can just go be. down in VA at the in laws.

And yup - no reset there either. Damn - hadn't thought that far through it all. 

But I'll try and do the reset at home, try not going to work, try to cut back coffee as much as I can, try to let all the shit go without going crazy at home. 

I have a lot more in my head bouncing around but can't get it out... still haven't been able to pick up a book and read. But this was good to watch this morning:

And Becca's vlogs have been entertaining - you can find them on your own i expect.

Might try and leave early today just because.

Oh FFS. I just checked the weather. This morning - ZERO precipitation for the day NOW THERE IS SNOW AND MIX PREDICTED HAPPENING? 

WHAT
THE
ACUTUAL
FUCK

it is snowing right now...

yeah i rode in to work wearing normal clothes - no cycling kit...

oh well - goes along with the day eh?

Whatever, it'll just make the commute home exciting and I can change into dry clothes. it won't be fore more than 35 min. I can handle that.

hoping to find more regular time to write, maybe even find a book that engages me that I want to read...

Life is pretty strange eh? 

Oh and RI is ranked as worst for the Covid stuff in the world, by some people. Mostly just if you look at the rolling 7 day average of cases per 100k. 

At least it has been cold and shitty on the bike path, people are staying away. And the darkness helps on the way home.

be safe, be well, all that shit,

heddwch

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