to start, lets us someone else's words tweeted at me:
"You are critical as a motherfucker of everything, unless you're busy being overenthusiastic, so net still largely positive."
kind of sort of made me chuckle, and it made me smile. Why? because yeah pretty much that's me, and the final bit - still somehow net positive.
My critical nature isn't coming from a place of being negative, it is from pointing out how to be better, what are the flaws and maybe they can be fixed to help everyone.
Make ripples, ripples make waves, waves can reshape things. But direction of positivity. Oh i fail miserably at staying positive in critque. But over the years i've managed to keep the insanely critical edge yet soften it now and then when I realize maybe it would be better to sweeten the bitter poison of reality, as I dissect it.
But hey, no one is perfect, i'm kind of as far as possible from it, flawed to the core, physically and mentally and emotionally. But I'm me. Got here from being that.
The quote - a tweet - has been bouncing around in my head for a bit today. Mostly while building bikes... nice new fancy bikes.... I see lots of people get new bikes and go fucking bananas about them, case studies in overenthusiasm if there ever were. Time and time again, year after year. Each new bike is a "revelation of marvel" each new bike gets them talking about how amazing it is and how did they ride w/o this before or they cleaned a section of trail they'd never cleaned or... fill in the blank. We've heard it. So many times.
And it is awesome. Honestly. I think that's great. in the sampling of friends I've noticed it is always genuine, and that's okay. Predictable, because the next new bike they get will get the same reaction and I know now to pretty much completely ignore any weight in evaluating a product from them but it is okay, it is good, because they are jazzed up, they are happy, positive, supportive.... Sure maybe they have a chip in the game, maybe the bike is a demo, maybe it was a spiff for reppin the brand or building the whatever. I've been fortunate to get free shit that's awesome. Except not all of it was awesome. And hey the Zipps now are recalled. Gotta find out about what the policy for Tubulars are. 'cause yeah i may only have a year left on these wheels if they survive another rock bomb g-ster... yet the hub is recalled and the rim is toast. Garbage can? but no plenty good rubber still glued up. Were they perfect? Nope, i'd have been overenthusiastic about them if they were. Was I a total and complete idiot not to run them on both races at Nationals? Yup absofuckinglutely one of the more colossally STUPID moves and choices bike racing. I'm better at analysing and giving others advice than myself. Why? Because if i give myself bad advice - fuck who cares, not like I can do anything with good advice so if I make the wrong choice, no big deal. But someone else? Different. Haunted by potentially giving bad counsel.
Today was a day of bikes, and shopping, and bikes. I hate Felts. only because the packaging takes forever to deal with. Nearly 2x longer build than a Trek, and that's all from the stupid packing. Trek's survive just fine with minimal and perfect prep - Felt? F'n overkill.
But i had an idea, a cross platform tool, that could speed the f'n process with the Felts. But right now - built the last one. Treks coming in, Raleighs coming in... lots of both. Crank em out. When they come in. Just a couple kids bikes to build left in the shop. No big bikes. So if i encounter that Felt think, i'll be prepared. If i can find the tool and then bring it with me.
Shoogs... his dad... thoughts... things migrate towards thinking about friends who've passed too soon, and others given the most dreadful of timelines. Still not fully fleshed out, idea and emotions not able to convincingly express to my satisfaction. But crux of thinking is: we all have a finite timespan. We are all going to die.
Pretty much no one has figured out how to avoid that yet. that whole dying thing. We're really good as a species of helping end life, violently, slowly with toxic advice, what not.... different topics each. But.. back to it...
We're all going to fucking die. Why not live life like we've been given a year to live, but maybe if we do everything right and get lucky we can live another 20. How would that change you, and why doesn't that mean enough to change people's lives?
Honestly, I think a good handful of people I feel closest too probably wouldn't change a thing. They are living life as they would under any circumstance. I'm not sure I am, or if I am not. Leave no trace, leave no negative impact, sow seeds, leave the ground more fertile and rich than you found it, be a source of love, of hugs, of joy... not a sink.
People like Mark NIcholson, Ezra... these guys... what they did, what they accomplished, what they inspired before all too soon they were extinguished. What so many like them have done.
But then how can you think about that and not be struck by the sadness of those who die from suicide. Such polar opposites, but then is that narrowed window nothing if but a stimulant of wanting to soak in every last bit of wonder and awesome?
Point being... we're all going to die... why not match stride for stride those who've inspired us, those who said fuck it - this is the right thing to do and I'm doing it and then we all watch as the ripples spread. Magically. To all of us.
I guess it comes back to this:
“Few will have the greatness to bend history itself, but each of us can work to change a small portion of events. It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.”
― Robert F. Kennedy
Life is fleeting, our span on this rock hurtling through space is but a cosmic blink. Our impacts are local, our actions are not far reaching, but they reach our loved ones, and our loved ones loved ones, and everyone else living in this one cosmic blink.. a few blinks from now, nothing we've done will matter, unless of course we wipe out humanity but then... our demise won't change the keeping of cosmic time... maybe some distant alien life form will find us, and spend a millennium studying our archeological records.
But that isn't our concern, our concern, should be how we treat those around us, and how we take care of ourselves, or shit - fuck that - take care of everyone else first. You are one, everyone else is many.
heddwch
G
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Words, Life, what...
I've got less than 10 minutes here, on a crazy day. Didn't bring lunch in, had to get some, still hungry, but no time to get more food. No time to make a lunch to take (no left overs because dinner was too yummy and not a left over kind of meal) because I read this: https://shoogslarrison.wordpress.com/2016/03/24/i-dont-think-the-heavy-stuff-is-gonna-come-down-for-a-while/ and then was sitting there for a while...
lost in thought and emotions... and then i was late.
Now i'm hungry, trying to reboot brain for training session on the heels of another training session with 20 min to go get lunch and eat it. Ate most of it walking back. Nice Slice is good, didn't want anything else, pizza hits the spot sometimes, esp when it is good and they make good shit.
Shoogs sent me hug by proxy at Nats. Deeply deeply appreciative of that.
Words want to come out but they are still a jumbled mess in my head.
No smackdown for me this week. I didn't sleep much sunday night - may have had too much fun at my brother's decompressing and hanging out, not too much but felt like too much, Monday was a struggle, tuesday was better and then i didn't go to smackdown and that was the right choice, but it is has been non-stop. I did stop and slow down a bit last night, but this whole driving back to the city thing for 7:30-8 every night for kid pickup is far more disruptive than I had realized, or I'm just not getting any recovery time anywhere else and those moments are eating into me a bit. Decompressing at the farm wasn't a choice, I should have gone into the shop to build, to work, but I didn't, and now here we are and it is Thursday and where has all the time gone? Poof.
I'll be back to having 15 vacation days accrued when the first of the month rolls around. I should take one. or two. at some point. Really need kind of a whole week, like, a vacation. No schedule, no pre-ride, no race, no pressure, no nothing. A pile of books, my bike, some coffee, beer, food, somewhere not at home, somewhere that i can turn it all off and shut it down and recharge. Kind of realizing that Nationals was not a break. I came back refreshed a bit... Constant motion. I need to dry dock. Yes even with a bike. even if it is an hour spin... too much a part of me not to have it.
but my 10 minutes are up now... maybe I'll get a chance to come back to it after the next 3 hour block of major intensity, I never really notice how exhausting the trainings I give are for me until I try and do two in one day.
heddwch
G
lost in thought and emotions... and then i was late.
Now i'm hungry, trying to reboot brain for training session on the heels of another training session with 20 min to go get lunch and eat it. Ate most of it walking back. Nice Slice is good, didn't want anything else, pizza hits the spot sometimes, esp when it is good and they make good shit.
Shoogs sent me hug by proxy at Nats. Deeply deeply appreciative of that.
Words want to come out but they are still a jumbled mess in my head.
No smackdown for me this week. I didn't sleep much sunday night - may have had too much fun at my brother's decompressing and hanging out, not too much but felt like too much, Monday was a struggle, tuesday was better and then i didn't go to smackdown and that was the right choice, but it is has been non-stop. I did stop and slow down a bit last night, but this whole driving back to the city thing for 7:30-8 every night for kid pickup is far more disruptive than I had realized, or I'm just not getting any recovery time anywhere else and those moments are eating into me a bit. Decompressing at the farm wasn't a choice, I should have gone into the shop to build, to work, but I didn't, and now here we are and it is Thursday and where has all the time gone? Poof.
I'll be back to having 15 vacation days accrued when the first of the month rolls around. I should take one. or two. at some point. Really need kind of a whole week, like, a vacation. No schedule, no pre-ride, no race, no pressure, no nothing. A pile of books, my bike, some coffee, beer, food, somewhere not at home, somewhere that i can turn it all off and shut it down and recharge. Kind of realizing that Nationals was not a break. I came back refreshed a bit... Constant motion. I need to dry dock. Yes even with a bike. even if it is an hour spin... too much a part of me not to have it.
but my 10 minutes are up now... maybe I'll get a chance to come back to it after the next 3 hour block of major intensity, I never really notice how exhausting the trainings I give are for me until I try and do two in one day.
heddwch
G
Friday, March 18, 2016
Waiting, time to kill
So roller coaster. Bottomed out Thursday rebounded towards the end of the day. Splurged on beer, got some Brown sugah because the were out of maximus. Shared them, got caught in the rain, made dinner drive into city got lots came home. Slept OK. But still exhausted.
Super complicated night, left me in office longer, then met everyone they ate, I didn't now grumpy and waiting for dance to end so I can go home finally. Long days.
Swyping a big post sucks. Faster than two thumbs but slower than all the fingers, can't quite keep up, at all.
This is where it would be nice to drop in on a friend for an hour share a beer and decompress.
But maybe that's what the blog is. A friend I can talk to. But man, this thing sucks more than I do at conversation. Esp the kind that helps me shake it off.
Also can't really have a beer with the blog. If I want so broke is go to a bar and at least not be alone, unlike sitting here in the dark in the van.
But it is quiet. I hit a dozen breaking points this week. Crashed through them, found new ones I didn't know existed. Had one dream that was terrifying and another that is still vividly haunting me. Why? I dunno, have you ever had a dream where you are dreaming you're sleeping and that's like the best sleep ever? This dream, this instance. I was happy. Like all the happy hormone pathways lit up in my dream. And physically felt overwhelmingly happy. Why? In u dreams there was this random tall Italian woman. Dunno who, no real life parallels, which makes it weirder. Esp the tall part. That feeling though. More than anything it tells me that I'm not broken, it is in there. And that's positive? Or something.
Get through this weekend. Then through next week, and the week after... Wait... The pattern keeps repeating. Oh shit.
I'd love the focus and distraction of racing right about now. Ninegret? Yes please. But no. Holding out hope that the 10th of April is good. It can go either way.
But that's all I got.
That and getting my ass handed to me on smackdown.
And the commute, and the fact that the cell phone bone commute pics are more popular than the shit I have to really work at on the microscope.
This maybe wasn't the best way to spend the down time, in the dark, alone. With the glow of an old slow crappy phone, dragging my thumb around some keyboard.
I need a mental health day. On the bike. Nothing else. Just pedaling.
I need a lot more than that, yeah thanks peanut gallery in my head, but that day, it is a start.
I wish today had the magic of yesterday afternoon, I need more of that magic.
Oh well, swyping post done. Except it is the only thing keeping me awake right now, and I have too many but not enough minute to fall asleep. So on the edge.
Oh well. I'm done.
Heddwch
G
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
disappointment... frustration.. I lost, yes you won...
tough couple days...
nothing major, but yesterday had so much promise...
Smackdown, time to work on major focus for Nanoscape while doing an every 3 year service on a piece of critical equipment...
Taking the bikes with me I take both wheels off and lay bike flat in the back of the Volvo, because that's what I've been doing since it became my vehicle.
Putting the Klein in with that rear wheel is a constant reminder of how heavy it is. Great flywheel. Shitty climber/sprinter wheel. But hey it has some heavy plastic disc covers so it is easy to clean in the rain and is aero as fuck, assuming you aren't lugging the weight up hill.
But hey I took the really slow tires off from last year and put the faster Ultremos on there. Of course that bit me in the ass last night when I got a flat in the rain, after being dropped hard core but just enough that I could see them there the whole time, until Hillside.
It was a solo threshold effort. a Painful one. followed by a flat that i said - no fucking way am i changing this to ride the last couple miles. Lets see how long it takes. got 60% of the way there. rode the last bit on the flat rim.
It was fine. Tuesday was a better day, at least I wasn't burping lunch, and hadn't had a case of beer by noon (slight over estimate btw). Weather was my kind of weather. Drizzly and wet and cool. Perfect.
But despite little ringing it until Prospect... I still got dropped at the first jump on Pine. Watched from there, no re-grouping. But much like chasing that kid in '13 who was wearing that green windjacket... i had someone to chase, even if it was a yellow greycock jacket. Not quite the same.
But maybe the same? perhaps?
Before getting dropped, then getting the flat... which i did ride totally flat because fuck that tire and more importantly the rim was a trash pick, when I put it to use it was already destined for the garbage.
I spent a while looking at the seventh sample from Dead horse bay that steph collected. As usually I spend time looking around, taking a shot here, there, exploring, then usually if given enough time I find what grasps my core - that "THIS IS THE ONE" feeling... i found it. Concept. FUCK YEAH I got this.
So I start taking all the shots, manually tiling. Shooting at max rez... 18 separate shots. I got what I wanted, focus was spot on, resolution was good. This was gonna be the 12' tall by 14' wide panelled print I had in mind. Thinking giant installation. In the back of my mind though, 6 images in 160 seconds to collect each one (all the while cleaning gold off of the sputter coated surfaces) I realized maybe I should have turned off the scan rotation... but i turned it on because that's the composition I wanted. So I didn't go back. I collected 18 images while cleaning, fixing and also helping people on 4 different systems and dealing with all the rest of the support stuff. It felt pretty solid. Well worth the added insanity and mental concentration and tax.
Last night one student emailed to say they had a fever, sick, may not make it to the morning session, then that left one, and she suggested joining another session. Opened up time. I fired up CS6... and brought my shitty work supplied computer to its knees for a long time putting those images together. Not too big. Only just over a gig in size. But when it was done? a 20" strip of white.
In the middle.
Can I find it again? not easily. not easily at all, even with a 50x reference image.
All that build up, that hope, and shit if sarcastic and skeptical me has hope? yeah imagine it being crushed... it is worse.
I wrote the process up a bit on Tumblr and in process found maybe a solution. But it would be accidental and while still may be awesome it would bother me at the core. And yes, like having super slow ass wheels and bikes and old shit and nothing new or fast or on par with anyone else. That is much like my SEM. Old. I can make it do shit that no one else can only because of craft and cunning. Give me a new goddamn machine and this probably would have been super simple. A point driven home by that white strip.
the lack of signal.
nothingness...
a co-worked stopped by, talking about random shit over lunch, i bring it up - get a flippant "well I guess it wasn't meant to be" followed by 'here's my problems and issues' oh yeah thanks, that little fucking white bit has made the day a struggle and you display zero empathy and want to talk about you. Not even a "damn that sucks."
Couldn't shake it. Any of it.
Still can't.
Second guessing dinner now.
Tasting and thinking: "yeah this is okay" but is it? I dunno. Maybe it sucks. My youngest, who I've honestly been relying for honest and truthful tasting is at soccer. Just me. Is it good? Yes, actually good. Is it missing something? yes. What? Nothing I can add here on hand I'm afraid. But it is okay.
The ride home felt cold. So either I'm getting sick or I under dressed for a super slow ride home. I did under dress, so maybe that's it.
It was pleasant under the lee of the rocks when I took the instagram tonight.
But can't shake the dark cloud today. So I'm writing... for some dumb reason.
I tried to write earlier over on Tumblr... I like tumblr... I want to like it.
but i still kind of wish I'd nailed down Nanoscape.com and could have something like this for that...
But with that failing on Tuesday... It means I can't really attempt that scope of imaging for at least a week, and maybe from the looks of it even longer. That's the biggest feeling of loss. I had a chance... an opportunity, and I seized it... and I failed. Miserably. I lost. Like I kind of pretty much always do.
Oh. And after smackdown. Back of my knee was hurting.
So when I took the bike out of the car this morning I checked. 99... fuck... checked all the other bikes... 110.... are you fucking kidding me? no wonder the Paramount felt so weird on the trainer last week.
Why bother? Ninigret starts on the 26th? Would love to go race there again. Would love to have a spring and summer season of racing. Not in the cards. At least I sort of still have Cyclocross. And the RdR. And my friends down here to ride with.
Life... Sure... i'm struggling now, in this moment, but hey... it'll turn around. it always does.
one revolution of the crank after another....
heddwch
G
nothing major, but yesterday had so much promise...
Smackdown, time to work on major focus for Nanoscape while doing an every 3 year service on a piece of critical equipment...
Taking the bikes with me I take both wheels off and lay bike flat in the back of the Volvo, because that's what I've been doing since it became my vehicle.
Putting the Klein in with that rear wheel is a constant reminder of how heavy it is. Great flywheel. Shitty climber/sprinter wheel. But hey it has some heavy plastic disc covers so it is easy to clean in the rain and is aero as fuck, assuming you aren't lugging the weight up hill.
But hey I took the really slow tires off from last year and put the faster Ultremos on there. Of course that bit me in the ass last night when I got a flat in the rain, after being dropped hard core but just enough that I could see them there the whole time, until Hillside.
It was a solo threshold effort. a Painful one. followed by a flat that i said - no fucking way am i changing this to ride the last couple miles. Lets see how long it takes. got 60% of the way there. rode the last bit on the flat rim.
It was fine. Tuesday was a better day, at least I wasn't burping lunch, and hadn't had a case of beer by noon (slight over estimate btw). Weather was my kind of weather. Drizzly and wet and cool. Perfect.
But despite little ringing it until Prospect... I still got dropped at the first jump on Pine. Watched from there, no re-grouping. But much like chasing that kid in '13 who was wearing that green windjacket... i had someone to chase, even if it was a yellow greycock jacket. Not quite the same.
But maybe the same? perhaps?
Before getting dropped, then getting the flat... which i did ride totally flat because fuck that tire and more importantly the rim was a trash pick, when I put it to use it was already destined for the garbage.
I spent a while looking at the seventh sample from Dead horse bay that steph collected. As usually I spend time looking around, taking a shot here, there, exploring, then usually if given enough time I find what grasps my core - that "THIS IS THE ONE" feeling... i found it. Concept. FUCK YEAH I got this.
So I start taking all the shots, manually tiling. Shooting at max rez... 18 separate shots. I got what I wanted, focus was spot on, resolution was good. This was gonna be the 12' tall by 14' wide panelled print I had in mind. Thinking giant installation. In the back of my mind though, 6 images in 160 seconds to collect each one (all the while cleaning gold off of the sputter coated surfaces) I realized maybe I should have turned off the scan rotation... but i turned it on because that's the composition I wanted. So I didn't go back. I collected 18 images while cleaning, fixing and also helping people on 4 different systems and dealing with all the rest of the support stuff. It felt pretty solid. Well worth the added insanity and mental concentration and tax.
Last night one student emailed to say they had a fever, sick, may not make it to the morning session, then that left one, and she suggested joining another session. Opened up time. I fired up CS6... and brought my shitty work supplied computer to its knees for a long time putting those images together. Not too big. Only just over a gig in size. But when it was done? a 20" strip of white.
In the middle.
Can I find it again? not easily. not easily at all, even with a 50x reference image.
All that build up, that hope, and shit if sarcastic and skeptical me has hope? yeah imagine it being crushed... it is worse.
I wrote the process up a bit on Tumblr and in process found maybe a solution. But it would be accidental and while still may be awesome it would bother me at the core. And yes, like having super slow ass wheels and bikes and old shit and nothing new or fast or on par with anyone else. That is much like my SEM. Old. I can make it do shit that no one else can only because of craft and cunning. Give me a new goddamn machine and this probably would have been super simple. A point driven home by that white strip.
the lack of signal.
nothingness...
a co-worked stopped by, talking about random shit over lunch, i bring it up - get a flippant "well I guess it wasn't meant to be" followed by 'here's my problems and issues' oh yeah thanks, that little fucking white bit has made the day a struggle and you display zero empathy and want to talk about you. Not even a "damn that sucks."
Couldn't shake it. Any of it.
Still can't.
Second guessing dinner now.
Tasting and thinking: "yeah this is okay" but is it? I dunno. Maybe it sucks. My youngest, who I've honestly been relying for honest and truthful tasting is at soccer. Just me. Is it good? Yes, actually good. Is it missing something? yes. What? Nothing I can add here on hand I'm afraid. But it is okay.
The ride home felt cold. So either I'm getting sick or I under dressed for a super slow ride home. I did under dress, so maybe that's it.
It was pleasant under the lee of the rocks when I took the instagram tonight.
But can't shake the dark cloud today. So I'm writing... for some dumb reason.
I tried to write earlier over on Tumblr... I like tumblr... I want to like it.
but i still kind of wish I'd nailed down Nanoscape.com and could have something like this for that...
But with that failing on Tuesday... It means I can't really attempt that scope of imaging for at least a week, and maybe from the looks of it even longer. That's the biggest feeling of loss. I had a chance... an opportunity, and I seized it... and I failed. Miserably. I lost. Like I kind of pretty much always do.
Oh. And after smackdown. Back of my knee was hurting.
So when I took the bike out of the car this morning I checked. 99... fuck... checked all the other bikes... 110.... are you fucking kidding me? no wonder the Paramount felt so weird on the trainer last week.
Why bother? Ninigret starts on the 26th? Would love to go race there again. Would love to have a spring and summer season of racing. Not in the cards. At least I sort of still have Cyclocross. And the RdR. And my friends down here to ride with.
Life... Sure... i'm struggling now, in this moment, but hey... it'll turn around. it always does.
one revolution of the crank after another....
heddwch
G
Monday, March 14, 2016
Super Pie Day
Not just ANY pie day but SUPER pie day.
So I've been told.
Made a berry pie with the kid yesterday afternoon. More or less helped her make it, okay not really helped just consulted and did stuff like take the pie out of the oven and things like that.
Declined a slice last night -may have one tonight though. Will have to make more ice cream though.
Solo's comments this morning ring true. Yes. I could likely find more fiscally rewarding job opportunities. Unfortunately career path is: get job in boston and commute every day or get job in industry which means cars and driving and not home much, which may be fine once there are no kids at home, but both more or less remove the bike from the equation in most practical sense as the primary mode of transportation, and the last time I removed it from the equation I lasted 2 years pedaling before just giving up and working on cars and getting fat.
The other thing that doesn't come up unless I'm challenged about my behavior and attitude and perspective is that I really actually like what I do and I'm good at it. The teaching this semester is adding a shit ton of stress but is rewarding enough to make the sacrifices and struggles worth it.
Heck I even remembered to bring the laptop in today. Almost forgot though.
The other point - and yes I could have just replied to the comment but hell why not make a whole post on it.
The Tires - yes. I did switch from the Durano Plus with stan's filled tubes (heavy and slow but indestructible) to Ultremo DDs, and I'll probably run those again tomorrow if the weather cooperates. But I do have a feel faster set of tires, and heck i should untubeless the CX tires if for no other reason than it forces me to re-do them to start the season instead of using the old sealant and keeping them inflated until September, and while not aero those ultegra wheels are the lightest set i have besides the zipps and the brake track is so fucked i'd have to put extra long V-brake pads on the Road bike just to be able to stop w/o punching through the rim track. Which i could do but may not be worth it.
Danced between the rain clouds this morning. Cool temps, borderline too cool to ride w/o gloves at an easy tempo, but it worked. Maybe I'll manage to get home w/o getting too soaked.
Won't be emerging from the dungeon until then.
Also tried a different coffee (dumb but I'm too stubborn so i'm going to suffer through it until it is gone) good and bad side to it: MORE CAFFEINE which isn't probably good, esp since I haven't adjusted volume to compensate. BUT IT SHOULD WORK OUT WELL GETTING THROUGH CLASS LECTURE FROM 2-5PM (probably only 2 hrs of lecture, not all 3)
woops - did an old classic start writing and then got busy dealing with stuff around here.
better hit publish - then move on... OOOH ALMOST LUNCH TIME! F'YEAH
heddwch
G
So I've been told.
Made a berry pie with the kid yesterday afternoon. More or less helped her make it, okay not really helped just consulted and did stuff like take the pie out of the oven and things like that.
Declined a slice last night -may have one tonight though. Will have to make more ice cream though.
Solo's comments this morning ring true. Yes. I could likely find more fiscally rewarding job opportunities. Unfortunately career path is: get job in boston and commute every day or get job in industry which means cars and driving and not home much, which may be fine once there are no kids at home, but both more or less remove the bike from the equation in most practical sense as the primary mode of transportation, and the last time I removed it from the equation I lasted 2 years pedaling before just giving up and working on cars and getting fat.
The other thing that doesn't come up unless I'm challenged about my behavior and attitude and perspective is that I really actually like what I do and I'm good at it. The teaching this semester is adding a shit ton of stress but is rewarding enough to make the sacrifices and struggles worth it.
Heck I even remembered to bring the laptop in today. Almost forgot though.
The other point - and yes I could have just replied to the comment but hell why not make a whole post on it.
The Tires - yes. I did switch from the Durano Plus with stan's filled tubes (heavy and slow but indestructible) to Ultremo DDs, and I'll probably run those again tomorrow if the weather cooperates. But I do have a feel faster set of tires, and heck i should untubeless the CX tires if for no other reason than it forces me to re-do them to start the season instead of using the old sealant and keeping them inflated until September, and while not aero those ultegra wheels are the lightest set i have besides the zipps and the brake track is so fucked i'd have to put extra long V-brake pads on the Road bike just to be able to stop w/o punching through the rim track. Which i could do but may not be worth it.
Danced between the rain clouds this morning. Cool temps, borderline too cool to ride w/o gloves at an easy tempo, but it worked. Maybe I'll manage to get home w/o getting too soaked.
Won't be emerging from the dungeon until then.
Also tried a different coffee (dumb but I'm too stubborn so i'm going to suffer through it until it is gone) good and bad side to it: MORE CAFFEINE which isn't probably good, esp since I haven't adjusted volume to compensate. BUT IT SHOULD WORK OUT WELL GETTING THROUGH CLASS LECTURE FROM 2-5PM (probably only 2 hrs of lecture, not all 3)
woops - did an old classic start writing and then got busy dealing with stuff around here.
better hit publish - then move on... OOOH ALMOST LUNCH TIME! F'YEAH
heddwch
G
Sunday, March 13, 2016
grindstone cranked to 11
life... relentless...
A huge punch in the reality balls happened oddly during a Pandora commercial today while i was putting bikes together for the shop, because dollar bills are dollar bills and I can't choose to ignore the chance to make more. The dollar figure the state of RI is tossing out for individuals to get free assistance doing their Tax prep? haha... more than either my wife or i made (including my second and third jobs in 2015). Laughably tearful. Granted together we make more than that but then that's two people busting their ass and still each making less than the state made that mark at... Okay so it has caused a fixation point and that's never good.
Life's a kick in the balls when you're not out to monetize and leverage every last little thing. Worked 1/2 day yesterday, worked 3/4 day today, all week next week- then probably both days next weekend and from here on out to eternity. Or at least until I submit grades and take a day off during the week.
"The choices I've made." steph said that to me what seems like a looong time ago... still rings true. Wondering what might have been with other choices is kind of pointless. And destructive.
Much better lately at not thinking about them.
But hey - i did ride today even if i didn't ride yesterday and even if today was just into the city and back.
It was good.
The pedaling. I actually rode in with tunes in my ears. Metallica's And Justice For All album. It was awesome. Ride home? no tunes. SO many people oblivious to signs and manners and anything outside their own personal bubble. No wonder Trump makes sense to them, even if he doesn't make sense to them it is the same attitude.
No. I'm not complaining.
Documenting.
Difference.
I know why I am where I am and pretty much am okay with it. I'd love to absolutely have a burden lifted but then maybe i'd not be myself. But then being oneself is a dynamic, you aren't anything but no matter what even when you aren't being yourself because you still are yourself and so.. yeah.
Life is a raging cluster for lots of us.
We do what we can.
I'm pissed I'm still so slow on the hills, but happy I'm recovering enough to get back to giving enough power to catch back up after being dropped there. Constantly reminded that my wheel game is slow and sup-par for the course. But then who the fuck are the dipshits showing up with fancy deep section or hell even showing up with carbon wheels on a training ride? NOT ME! Obviously or i'd be not getting my ass kicked as much by those with the fancy wheels.
I did really like riding in this morning. Tunes in my ears meant I didn't have to listen to the frame creaking. Not bad I guess. Took from 2009 until now for this BB30 frame to develop an unresolvable creak in the BB. Everything's been replaced that can be replaced and it still clicks/ticks and creaks. Kind of hoping the frame breaks. But not really- if it breaks it will just be a measure of something, not like it'll get replaced if it fails.
Making some chili tonight. soaked the beans and cooked them and now in chili... burritos later this week when I re-fry them and all that.
Weather looking more promising to get smackdown in on Tuesday, maybe the rain will stop soon enough for people to want to show up.
We'll see.
kind of SOP lately... "we'll see"
heddwch
G
A huge punch in the reality balls happened oddly during a Pandora commercial today while i was putting bikes together for the shop, because dollar bills are dollar bills and I can't choose to ignore the chance to make more. The dollar figure the state of RI is tossing out for individuals to get free assistance doing their Tax prep? haha... more than either my wife or i made (including my second and third jobs in 2015). Laughably tearful. Granted together we make more than that but then that's two people busting their ass and still each making less than the state made that mark at... Okay so it has caused a fixation point and that's never good.
Life's a kick in the balls when you're not out to monetize and leverage every last little thing. Worked 1/2 day yesterday, worked 3/4 day today, all week next week- then probably both days next weekend and from here on out to eternity. Or at least until I submit grades and take a day off during the week.
"The choices I've made." steph said that to me what seems like a looong time ago... still rings true. Wondering what might have been with other choices is kind of pointless. And destructive.
Much better lately at not thinking about them.
But hey - i did ride today even if i didn't ride yesterday and even if today was just into the city and back.
It was good.
The pedaling. I actually rode in with tunes in my ears. Metallica's And Justice For All album. It was awesome. Ride home? no tunes. SO many people oblivious to signs and manners and anything outside their own personal bubble. No wonder Trump makes sense to them, even if he doesn't make sense to them it is the same attitude.
No. I'm not complaining.
Documenting.
Difference.
I know why I am where I am and pretty much am okay with it. I'd love to absolutely have a burden lifted but then maybe i'd not be myself. But then being oneself is a dynamic, you aren't anything but no matter what even when you aren't being yourself because you still are yourself and so.. yeah.
Life is a raging cluster for lots of us.
We do what we can.
I'm pissed I'm still so slow on the hills, but happy I'm recovering enough to get back to giving enough power to catch back up after being dropped there. Constantly reminded that my wheel game is slow and sup-par for the course. But then who the fuck are the dipshits showing up with fancy deep section or hell even showing up with carbon wheels on a training ride? NOT ME! Obviously or i'd be not getting my ass kicked as much by those with the fancy wheels.
I did really like riding in this morning. Tunes in my ears meant I didn't have to listen to the frame creaking. Not bad I guess. Took from 2009 until now for this BB30 frame to develop an unresolvable creak in the BB. Everything's been replaced that can be replaced and it still clicks/ticks and creaks. Kind of hoping the frame breaks. But not really- if it breaks it will just be a measure of something, not like it'll get replaced if it fails.
Making some chili tonight. soaked the beans and cooked them and now in chili... burritos later this week when I re-fry them and all that.
Weather looking more promising to get smackdown in on Tuesday, maybe the rain will stop soon enough for people to want to show up.
We'll see.
kind of SOP lately... "we'll see"
heddwch
G
Tuesday, March 08, 2016
Smackdown IS BACK
[cue dramatic WWE announcer voice] Back on the roads of..
awe screw it - announcer voice isn't going to work right now. I'm too f'n tired for that.
Today was a f'n awesome day. So good. Sofa King good.
Like Top to bottom.
Granted maybe I should have done a few things differently or maybe not admit to a couple things but hell, you know what? It makes for a WAY better story.
Back up to the weekend or even earlier, Syl and I had concocted a plan to head outside for smackdown and then do intervals on the trainer afterwards.
Yes - Smackdown usually kills me. The last two years I've been dropped HARD core on pretty much every one of them. Doesn't matter what bike i bring, what I do before hand. How much I suck wheels leading to the little rises where the people like Andrew the Lung take off and maximize their lilliputian size against the hulk.
So that said what kind of f'n brilliantly stupid idea was it to agree to get on the trainer AFTER smackdown and do some intervals.
Yup. If you're gonna be dumb, why hold back. But then there's also the calculated acknowledgement that this is probably the last indoor ride, and adding some extra intensity when you don't want it may actually not be the worst thing and while it hurts and mentally takes everything to accomplish, maybe there's some benefit to be had/discovered/realized.
But rewind. I spent WAAAAAY too long looking for shit to ride outside in, that wasn't commuter clothes. Like where the fuck are my black knee warmers I like? Found one but not the other. Found the ones that are way too big and settled on the old school orange ones. but that took forever. Okay where black team shorts? dunno - oh hey here's the white shorts... can't find white jersey. Fuuuuck. Orange jersey. Oh there are the black shorts. No whites.
Eventually finally made some breakfast, packed some lunch, headed in at the WORST possible time to find parking. Call my brother, haven't talked to him in a while, I usually call and check in while driving because, driving = no wind noise. He's working at a jobsite on the way to work. I'll stop by and say hey and wait for parking window to open.
I get there, have a sip of the smoothest scotch in the world (also kind of expensive) then a beer. Then some how get roped into going on a beer run, I buy beer that probably will ensure two things: #1 I don't go on beer runs again or #2 they give me better direction/orders next time. But then yeah, I had to have a beer or two while i supervised the painting.... Couple hours later, made it to work, mostly so I could make coffee and heat up my lunch and eat it.
So yeah, you keeping score? Williams brothers... do what we do best... esp when we hang out. Also - today was the first day at work when I haven't had two 2-3hr blocks of time giving intensive trainings, first day since maybe the day I got back from Nationals. Or at least that I can remember. Work's insane this semester, mostly my own doing, but that's okay, good actually, except for trying to get the Hundo in, then it is not good.
Lunch winds up not being finished till closer to 2pm. Damn spot late given all the extra calories i consumed in the morning.
Parking issues wound up wrapping the day up a bit early and I hauled my slowly more tired butt up to the shop to get the Quantum Pro ready to ride. Needed front wheel. Pulled one out of my garbage wheel pile (seriously). It works. Not well, but better than other options.
I was tired - oof all the before lunch beers were catching up and I just wanted to take a freaking nap. Zzzzz.
Syl showed up and well, shit that seals it, guess I'm riding. Then Goldberg shows up on his Circle A painted with the same stuff my QPro is painted in, and as we roll out a kid in a Northeastern Cycling Club on a C'dale with stupid fancy carbon rear wheel shows up. And we roll out with a fighter escort given by the gorgeous and lovely Giulia on her way to seminar.
Danger zone happens when we pick up Andrew the Lung and big bad ass Ian (that kid who's my size but 20 years younger and way more genetically gifted than I ever was).
Of course, what does GeWilli do?
Tired ass burping beans G riding a bit he hasn't been on since September or october...
He goes to the front. Until we turn on to woodward. Then he settles in NE guy takes a short pull and then Andrew crushes it to Prospect. And as we turn into the wind blowing up Prospect he continues to drive the pace. All the way to the turn. MONSTER pull.
So I feel fine, hanging behind Goldberg and his loud brakes, and I take the lead from there... all the way to pine...
spin out that junior gearing yeah (you remember I some how less than smartly decided putting a 14-23 cassette with a 55/42 chainring combo was going to be awesome)...
But hey - drive the f'n pace. Steady tempo,
And then we turn left onto Pine.
And who leads all the way to Salisbury sprint sign (and takes the sprint against NE guy who doesn't know it is a sprint sign), and I drop back and tell Syl it is time to go.
And he does, but then Andrew goes, and Ian goes and NE guy hangs. And then Goldberg passes me and COME ON LEGS.
All pretty awesome until well, knucklehead Syl "just felt good and wanted to keep going"
I'd told NE guy that we'd do a minor regrouping after the top of the hill/sprint. Um fuckhead teammates of mine decided that was dumb.
So well, guess who chased those motherfuckers down until we got to homestead where I blew up? Oh yeah kind of gave it away, ME, Goldberg and then NE kid went around me and worked to close the rest of the gap. And I settled in.
Recovered. And we hit Rocky Hill.
Ian crushed it for the first part. then NE kid. just before the bend, maybe 100 yards too early I jump. And dig.
Legs feeling great, shift, stand, sprint... wait what do i hear? Fuuuuck The Lung is pulling up along side me... Dig.. legs say - "um fuck off dickhead this is starting to hurt" and they won't make more watts, I cajole them into a couple more so at least I can stay in Ian's wheel and push it to the final telephone pole sprint line, but man that hurt.
Goldberg crushes the descent and we're back together. Andrew setting tempo... Andrew stays there and we start up hillside.
And big old 205# of me goes up as fast as I can which means the rest of the little guys and that kid Ian are gone out of sight.
I catch Goldberg (yeah he dropped me on Hillside too) on Pine and pull up along side the rest of them who were graciously soft pedaling waiting, and I Set a tempo, then Goldberg pulls around and does some pace work himself and I'm sitting in that draft, he pulls off and I get us to Read. Ian sets a pace and then I counter and try to up the tempo, but then no one pulls through when I flick the elbow, and so I kept tempo, and then eventually Ian goes, and then Andrew goes and I tag in, we make the turn and Ian kind of fades a bit and I attack wanting to make the segment numbers and push it - except we round the corner by Wheeler running track right into that fucking headwind.
And then as we make the turn the little guys attack again. I some how managed to bridge up, tag on to the wheel, legs feeling oddly recovered already despite hating the fucking hills we're oddly functional on the flats, and I make it through the rotation and just feel good and push the pace and then no one rolls through... guess the draft is too nice.
It is pretty damn close to dark now, lights on, and we roll back to the shop.
David B is waiting for us. Golberg hangs out and promises to return with beer (and does). And we get on the trainer.
two sets of 3 min intervals with 3 min recovery and 5 min in between sets. These three minute intervals were excruciatingly painful. Holy fucking SHIT they hurt.
My legs are still shredded and fucked. Or maybe that's a good thing.
Got done, had an allagash Saison, headed home, cracked a tall boy and made dinner (at 8:30 yes)...
A good day. Got a wonderful email from the chipper, the chipwhich, CHIP BAKER, or whatever other name pops in my head when I see him next.... i ain't gonna let not online poll determine the nickname I call someone.
Now it is time to sleep I think. Once the dogs are in and I clean up the kitchen.
And yes. http://sweetsandbitters.com/blog/2015/10/6/homemade-hot-sauce-that-better-than-sriracha that shit? SOFA KING GOOD! OMG so fucking amazing. esp on burgers. That shit is so. so. so. so. so much better than anything you can buy (also preservative free unlike that stupid rooster shit people fawn over).
This afternoon was physically tough, but it was also awesome to hang out with and ride with really good friends, like in person and shit.
It is good.
Right now? Good.
Today was a day I needed. Had planned part of it and hey maybe the pedaling might have been better w/o all the morning beers but still, even with that the pedaling tonight was better than it has been in a long time and that's giving me some hope, some good sensations and stuff. We'll see, and I'll keep working on it.
but yeah - should wrap this up i suppose
heddwch
G
awe screw it - announcer voice isn't going to work right now. I'm too f'n tired for that.
Today was a f'n awesome day. So good. Sofa King good.
Like Top to bottom.
Granted maybe I should have done a few things differently or maybe not admit to a couple things but hell, you know what? It makes for a WAY better story.
Back up to the weekend or even earlier, Syl and I had concocted a plan to head outside for smackdown and then do intervals on the trainer afterwards.
Yes - Smackdown usually kills me. The last two years I've been dropped HARD core on pretty much every one of them. Doesn't matter what bike i bring, what I do before hand. How much I suck wheels leading to the little rises where the people like Andrew the Lung take off and maximize their lilliputian size against the hulk.
So that said what kind of f'n brilliantly stupid idea was it to agree to get on the trainer AFTER smackdown and do some intervals.
Yup. If you're gonna be dumb, why hold back. But then there's also the calculated acknowledgement that this is probably the last indoor ride, and adding some extra intensity when you don't want it may actually not be the worst thing and while it hurts and mentally takes everything to accomplish, maybe there's some benefit to be had/discovered/realized.
But rewind. I spent WAAAAAY too long looking for shit to ride outside in, that wasn't commuter clothes. Like where the fuck are my black knee warmers I like? Found one but not the other. Found the ones that are way too big and settled on the old school orange ones. but that took forever. Okay where black team shorts? dunno - oh hey here's the white shorts... can't find white jersey. Fuuuuck. Orange jersey. Oh there are the black shorts. No whites.
Eventually finally made some breakfast, packed some lunch, headed in at the WORST possible time to find parking. Call my brother, haven't talked to him in a while, I usually call and check in while driving because, driving = no wind noise. He's working at a jobsite on the way to work. I'll stop by and say hey and wait for parking window to open.
I get there, have a sip of the smoothest scotch in the world (also kind of expensive) then a beer. Then some how get roped into going on a beer run, I buy beer that probably will ensure two things: #1 I don't go on beer runs again or #2 they give me better direction/orders next time. But then yeah, I had to have a beer or two while i supervised the painting.... Couple hours later, made it to work, mostly so I could make coffee and heat up my lunch and eat it.
So yeah, you keeping score? Williams brothers... do what we do best... esp when we hang out. Also - today was the first day at work when I haven't had two 2-3hr blocks of time giving intensive trainings, first day since maybe the day I got back from Nationals. Or at least that I can remember. Work's insane this semester, mostly my own doing, but that's okay, good actually, except for trying to get the Hundo in, then it is not good.
Lunch winds up not being finished till closer to 2pm. Damn spot late given all the extra calories i consumed in the morning.
Parking issues wound up wrapping the day up a bit early and I hauled my slowly more tired butt up to the shop to get the Quantum Pro ready to ride. Needed front wheel. Pulled one out of my garbage wheel pile (seriously). It works. Not well, but better than other options.
I was tired - oof all the before lunch beers were catching up and I just wanted to take a freaking nap. Zzzzz.
Syl showed up and well, shit that seals it, guess I'm riding. Then Goldberg shows up on his Circle A painted with the same stuff my QPro is painted in, and as we roll out a kid in a Northeastern Cycling Club on a C'dale with stupid fancy carbon rear wheel shows up. And we roll out with a fighter escort given by the gorgeous and lovely Giulia on her way to seminar.
Danger zone happens when we pick up Andrew the Lung and big bad ass Ian (that kid who's my size but 20 years younger and way more genetically gifted than I ever was).
Of course, what does GeWilli do?
Tired ass burping beans G riding a bit he hasn't been on since September or october...
He goes to the front. Until we turn on to woodward. Then he settles in NE guy takes a short pull and then Andrew crushes it to Prospect. And as we turn into the wind blowing up Prospect he continues to drive the pace. All the way to the turn. MONSTER pull.
So I feel fine, hanging behind Goldberg and his loud brakes, and I take the lead from there... all the way to pine...
spin out that junior gearing yeah (you remember I some how less than smartly decided putting a 14-23 cassette with a 55/42 chainring combo was going to be awesome)...
But hey - drive the f'n pace. Steady tempo,
And then we turn left onto Pine.
And who leads all the way to Salisbury sprint sign (and takes the sprint against NE guy who doesn't know it is a sprint sign), and I drop back and tell Syl it is time to go.
And he does, but then Andrew goes, and Ian goes and NE guy hangs. And then Goldberg passes me and COME ON LEGS.
All pretty awesome until well, knucklehead Syl "just felt good and wanted to keep going"
I'd told NE guy that we'd do a minor regrouping after the top of the hill/sprint. Um fuckhead teammates of mine decided that was dumb.
So well, guess who chased those motherfuckers down until we got to homestead where I blew up? Oh yeah kind of gave it away, ME, Goldberg and then NE kid went around me and worked to close the rest of the gap. And I settled in.
Recovered. And we hit Rocky Hill.
Ian crushed it for the first part. then NE kid. just before the bend, maybe 100 yards too early I jump. And dig.
Legs feeling great, shift, stand, sprint... wait what do i hear? Fuuuuck The Lung is pulling up along side me... Dig.. legs say - "um fuck off dickhead this is starting to hurt" and they won't make more watts, I cajole them into a couple more so at least I can stay in Ian's wheel and push it to the final telephone pole sprint line, but man that hurt.
Goldberg crushes the descent and we're back together. Andrew setting tempo... Andrew stays there and we start up hillside.
And big old 205# of me goes up as fast as I can which means the rest of the little guys and that kid Ian are gone out of sight.
I catch Goldberg (yeah he dropped me on Hillside too) on Pine and pull up along side the rest of them who were graciously soft pedaling waiting, and I Set a tempo, then Goldberg pulls around and does some pace work himself and I'm sitting in that draft, he pulls off and I get us to Read. Ian sets a pace and then I counter and try to up the tempo, but then no one pulls through when I flick the elbow, and so I kept tempo, and then eventually Ian goes, and then Andrew goes and I tag in, we make the turn and Ian kind of fades a bit and I attack wanting to make the segment numbers and push it - except we round the corner by Wheeler running track right into that fucking headwind.
And then as we make the turn the little guys attack again. I some how managed to bridge up, tag on to the wheel, legs feeling oddly recovered already despite hating the fucking hills we're oddly functional on the flats, and I make it through the rotation and just feel good and push the pace and then no one rolls through... guess the draft is too nice.
It is pretty damn close to dark now, lights on, and we roll back to the shop.
David B is waiting for us. Golberg hangs out and promises to return with beer (and does). And we get on the trainer.
two sets of 3 min intervals with 3 min recovery and 5 min in between sets. These three minute intervals were excruciatingly painful. Holy fucking SHIT they hurt.
My legs are still shredded and fucked. Or maybe that's a good thing.
Got done, had an allagash Saison, headed home, cracked a tall boy and made dinner (at 8:30 yes)...
A good day. Got a wonderful email from the chipper, the chipwhich, CHIP BAKER, or whatever other name pops in my head when I see him next.... i ain't gonna let not online poll determine the nickname I call someone.
Now it is time to sleep I think. Once the dogs are in and I clean up the kitchen.
And yes. http://sweetsandbitters.com/blog/2015/10/6/homemade-hot-sauce-that-better-than-sriracha that shit? SOFA KING GOOD! OMG so fucking amazing. esp on burgers. That shit is so. so. so. so. so much better than anything you can buy (also preservative free unlike that stupid rooster shit people fawn over).
This afternoon was physically tough, but it was also awesome to hang out with and ride with really good friends, like in person and shit.
It is good.
Right now? Good.
Today was a day I needed. Had planned part of it and hey maybe the pedaling might have been better w/o all the morning beers but still, even with that the pedaling tonight was better than it has been in a long time and that's giving me some hope, some good sensations and stuff. We'll see, and I'll keep working on it.
but yeah - should wrap this up i suppose
heddwch
G
Monday, March 07, 2016
oh the craZy runs deep
But that chipstick, the little hobbit who's lived 10x the average cyclists life, who's rubbed shoulders and stood eye to eye with more of those who influence where we are today than anyone else...
but in the same breath doesn't ever mention it, never lets on how deep his roots run, how connect he is...
and yet he continues to be one of the most solid rocks, the most positive of positive, the most supportive ever. Not many friends like him.
What makes him special? Dunno. But Pam figured it out long before any of anyone I know did, but everyone I know who knows Chip aka Velocb knows.... knows what i'm talking about.
He re-tweeted something. A total clickbait bit, but something that I realized way too late, didn't realize it until I stopped doing it regularly, hourly...
Downside? Patterns were formed. Synapses were solidified. I've clicked through the links from the first one, they say more than it does but they are linked from it. And what he posted/retweeted is solid enough to leave without digging or posting further, heck, he probably knows who the person is who created the latest clickbait article.
Despite the clickbait nature of the title, and even based on other articles on blogs that are click bait themselves... a massive clickbait worm hole....
Despite all that...
It rings true.
If we spend all our time complaining about how hungry we are and how much we want mexican food, vs not complaining and getting on with it... even if the complaining is for effect, it still impacts.
Complaining about work stresses don't help them go away do they, nope, they don't.
But bottling up doesn't do much either - action, even the tiniest little action in the positive direction...
but then maybe I should RTFA ...oh wait... i did
here
and it is spot the fuck on... saddy didn't realize it till maybe 20 years too late. But hey my sarcasm and pessimism is super well crafted and curated....
But despite blog sense lately I have found marked improvement... but good fucking lord this shit takes time... compound it with a massive pile of other factors? makes sense, not easy.
But hey those other factors make the negative shit go away... so that's something yeah?
Today was rough, exhausting, but good. Graded papers, wrote lectures, made quiz, talked for ever, answered every question until there were no more... rode home.... made dinner... picked up kid from city... fed everyone... and sitting down now to eat food myself.
Life's a struggle... venting here or anywhere isn't always the best... sometimes... no matter how hard you try to re-progam shit... one falls back on established pathways... but over time, i have to say... they feel less and less comfortable to travel on, maybe not too long perhaps they will be so uncomfortable that I'll avoid them even when feeling super dark and down.
Chipstick's ideal is one that helps... the infectiously positive in spite of all odds... but the depth of wisdom in his eyes dispels any doubt that he's some rainbowfart sniffing airhead. He's been through enough to know...
But this isn't really about that knucklehead townie. But I think to me that's clear. To you? if it is just about that knuckleheaded townie? That's okay too...
heddwch
G
but in the same breath doesn't ever mention it, never lets on how deep his roots run, how connect he is...
and yet he continues to be one of the most solid rocks, the most positive of positive, the most supportive ever. Not many friends like him.
What makes him special? Dunno. But Pam figured it out long before any of anyone I know did, but everyone I know who knows Chip aka Velocb knows.... knows what i'm talking about.
He re-tweeted something. A total clickbait bit, but something that I realized way too late, didn't realize it until I stopped doing it regularly, hourly...
Downside? Patterns were formed. Synapses were solidified. I've clicked through the links from the first one, they say more than it does but they are linked from it. And what he posted/retweeted is solid enough to leave without digging or posting further, heck, he probably knows who the person is who created the latest clickbait article.
Despite the clickbait nature of the title, and even based on other articles on blogs that are click bait themselves... a massive clickbait worm hole....
Despite all that...
It rings true.
If we spend all our time complaining about how hungry we are and how much we want mexican food, vs not complaining and getting on with it... even if the complaining is for effect, it still impacts.
Complaining about work stresses don't help them go away do they, nope, they don't.
But bottling up doesn't do much either - action, even the tiniest little action in the positive direction...
but then maybe I should RTFA ...oh wait... i did
here
and it is spot the fuck on... saddy didn't realize it till maybe 20 years too late. But hey my sarcasm and pessimism is super well crafted and curated....
But despite blog sense lately I have found marked improvement... but good fucking lord this shit takes time... compound it with a massive pile of other factors? makes sense, not easy.
But hey those other factors make the negative shit go away... so that's something yeah?
Today was rough, exhausting, but good. Graded papers, wrote lectures, made quiz, talked for ever, answered every question until there were no more... rode home.... made dinner... picked up kid from city... fed everyone... and sitting down now to eat food myself.
Life's a struggle... venting here or anywhere isn't always the best... sometimes... no matter how hard you try to re-progam shit... one falls back on established pathways... but over time, i have to say... they feel less and less comfortable to travel on, maybe not too long perhaps they will be so uncomfortable that I'll avoid them even when feeling super dark and down.
Chipstick's ideal is one that helps... the infectiously positive in spite of all odds... but the depth of wisdom in his eyes dispels any doubt that he's some rainbowfart sniffing airhead. He's been through enough to know...
But this isn't really about that knucklehead townie. But I think to me that's clear. To you? if it is just about that knuckleheaded townie? That's okay too...
heddwch
G
Saturday, March 05, 2016
Heck I wouldn't listen to me either
Esp given last night's post. Re-reading was tough.
I'd edit it, but that's not the point of this eh? That's how I felt at the time. A snapshot of emotions. Correct or Incorrect... that's not the point.
Working on making some dinner. Been cleaning and driving and shopping and sorting shit out all day. Productive but exhausting day.
The food's an issue, other people still an issue, but good discussions with my daughters about it reveal to me that they are getting it. They understand.
Ultimately that's my only responsibility.
And so far with a few exceptions and some variation, i'm succeeding.
I may be a total and abject failure in many areas, on the bike, as a negotiator, okay pretty much everything i guess, but... hey... life.
We get one shot at this. I come across as an instable annoying jackass a lot of the time... i just want to help, but then those who can see it all sometimes have the most difficulty in communicating what they see because it is sooooo fucking complex and interwoven that it is never something that can be easily succinctly put down anywhere.
Dinner is made, fire is going, digging through the DVDs, trying to pick one to watch on the ancient CRT.
Time to hang out, unplug and just be here...
heddwch
G
I'd edit it, but that's not the point of this eh? That's how I felt at the time. A snapshot of emotions. Correct or Incorrect... that's not the point.
Working on making some dinner. Been cleaning and driving and shopping and sorting shit out all day. Productive but exhausting day.
The food's an issue, other people still an issue, but good discussions with my daughters about it reveal to me that they are getting it. They understand.
Ultimately that's my only responsibility.
And so far with a few exceptions and some variation, i'm succeeding.
I may be a total and abject failure in many areas, on the bike, as a negotiator, okay pretty much everything i guess, but... hey... life.
We get one shot at this. I come across as an instable annoying jackass a lot of the time... i just want to help, but then those who can see it all sometimes have the most difficulty in communicating what they see because it is sooooo fucking complex and interwoven that it is never something that can be easily succinctly put down anywhere.
Dinner is made, fire is going, digging through the DVDs, trying to pick one to watch on the ancient CRT.
Time to hang out, unplug and just be here...
heddwch
G
Friday, March 04, 2016
perfect week
focusing on that - to shift gears
Rode the bike to work and home every day.
It has been a challenging week. Difficult. Exhausting.
Rewarding? yes. But then serious struggles.
I almost was able to check off the list before I left the office this week. Almost.
Not too much left on it, at least on the priority list.
but hey... whatever...
someone brought up being ghosted again.
I realized I kind of got hard core ghosted by my closest friends w/o realizing it. But then I'm sure I've inadvertently ghosted friends and not realized it. So that equals out right? or not. I hope not because that sucks.
at least i have a good group of friends in the local pedaling club, we may not be super close but we're close in proximity and hey they are really good people....
anyway... i do wish i could just not give a fuck, like some twisted asshole, and laugh at the misfortune of others, laugh at people struggling with food choices based on really well intended but horrible advice. But then hey. capitalism. gotta pay for trump towers some how right? exploit the idiots "THIS IS HOW YOU NEED TO EAT BUT PAY ME MONEY AND I'LL HELP" but it doesn't help it just makes you a forever client and that group/person a shit ton of money because they are exploiting you and everyone else.
GeWilli needs something...
something to get this frustration out...
is it because the students are verbally expressing their struggles and i'm bottling it up and not saying anything because i have asshole friends who, to my face, flaunt the opposite and proudly and loudly but then complain about the symptoms their behavior elicits? But yeah, that's because i'm too opinionated and an asshole expressing them.
But guess what, all you assholes are suffering, and so am I because I'm both shutting up but then being conflicted about their suffering because i'm pretending you fuckheads know what you're talking about. And no.
I'm kind of certain pretty much the couple knuckle heads most targeted, know they are targeted here and won't read this, ever.
So if you're actually reading this be comforted... or be scared... but whatever... i'm so close to the point of so not caring that it scares me.
Why?
I'm scared to think that I'd watch someone willfully hurting themselves and be happy to just watch them flounder.
But you know what? Who cares.
Pass me a beer and fuck all'y'all
also 400K in RI in one day?
or maybe fuck that - stick with the 12 hundo in july...
or maybe i just need to start the zero screen count down to sleep...
or...
yeah...
fuck it...
whatever
heddwch
G
Rode the bike to work and home every day.
It has been a challenging week. Difficult. Exhausting.
Rewarding? yes. But then serious struggles.
I almost was able to check off the list before I left the office this week. Almost.
Not too much left on it, at least on the priority list.
but hey... whatever...
someone brought up being ghosted again.
I realized I kind of got hard core ghosted by my closest friends w/o realizing it. But then I'm sure I've inadvertently ghosted friends and not realized it. So that equals out right? or not. I hope not because that sucks.
at least i have a good group of friends in the local pedaling club, we may not be super close but we're close in proximity and hey they are really good people....
anyway... i do wish i could just not give a fuck, like some twisted asshole, and laugh at the misfortune of others, laugh at people struggling with food choices based on really well intended but horrible advice. But then hey. capitalism. gotta pay for trump towers some how right? exploit the idiots "THIS IS HOW YOU NEED TO EAT BUT PAY ME MONEY AND I'LL HELP" but it doesn't help it just makes you a forever client and that group/person a shit ton of money because they are exploiting you and everyone else.
GeWilli needs something...
something to get this frustration out...
is it because the students are verbally expressing their struggles and i'm bottling it up and not saying anything because i have asshole friends who, to my face, flaunt the opposite and proudly and loudly but then complain about the symptoms their behavior elicits? But yeah, that's because i'm too opinionated and an asshole expressing them.
But guess what, all you assholes are suffering, and so am I because I'm both shutting up but then being conflicted about their suffering because i'm pretending you fuckheads know what you're talking about. And no.
I'm kind of certain pretty much the couple knuckle heads most targeted, know they are targeted here and won't read this, ever.
So if you're actually reading this be comforted... or be scared... but whatever... i'm so close to the point of so not caring that it scares me.
Why?
I'm scared to think that I'd watch someone willfully hurting themselves and be happy to just watch them flounder.
But you know what? Who cares.
Pass me a beer and fuck all'y'all
also 400K in RI in one day?
or maybe fuck that - stick with the 12 hundo in july...
or maybe i just need to start the zero screen count down to sleep...
or...
yeah...
fuck it...
whatever
heddwch
G
buttons being pushed
I hate twitter sometimes. And I hate people who used to be close friends but would absolutely unequivocally not listen to me about certain things. Kind of like as if I tried to tell them how to do their job that I am no paid to do nor have the level of experience or education they do, but they demonstrate time and time again that they aren't even at amateur level regarding what I try to offer advice about and BOOM,
No matter how I phrase it, how sincerely I direct it.. deaf. fucking. ears.
Yeah yeah "change your tactic GeWilli" dude fuck you. I've changed my tactic a million times over, i've tried it all out. I've read and understood more primary nutrition papers than people who have fancy post grad degrees in nutrition.
But that's beside the point.
A dozen deleted tweets? Maybe?
spurred by this: people are fat because of genetic disorders and chemical imbalances, not too many calories.
and yes, this person's twitter persona is 100% asshole and 98% mean and 95% just trying to get a rise/response. Only saving grace is he's really not such a bad guy.
But he's pretty much 99% wrong. But hey... no one wants to hear about Insulin, or how we're getting close to three generations of really fucked up bad guidelines not based on science but based on lobbing efforts from companies who've profited HUGELY from this advice? Hell... if that advice was scientifically rebutted in the 70s and 80s, we'd have no TCBY, no Aerobics, no Heath clubs, no gyms, no spinning class, and only a few people with legic genetic issues would be fat but they wouldn't be unheathly. But hey, we'd also not have a health care crisis...
But that's all like the deleted tweets. Shane said something about clean eating is her new bone broth trigger. Healthy has always been mine. How is something healthy when it doesn't have any essential fatty acids and is loaded with fruit and sugars (including complex carbs - NO THEY DON'T GET A PASS). AND NO CALORIES ARE NOT CALORIES! DID YOU F'N IGNORE BIOCHEM/PHYSIOLOGY CLASS? "Oh they only taught us about the glycolysis pathway, there are other pathways?"
#SMH
Does anyone really give a shit?
Starve yourself uncomfortably eating high carb shit and maintain weight, or, skip the carbs (sure it might take a fucking month to get of the mental fucking torture your parents waterboarded you with by allowing "sugar sometimes") and use them when you need them, not when you think you need them and not be fat ever, and not be hungry.
But yeah.
Fuck.
That.
chemical imbalances and genetics...
Yes... fucking genetics plays a role. Some people can get by eating lots of sugar (under sugar's umbrella we also find complex carbs because THEY ARE FUCKING SUGAR), genetics FTW.
And well there are enough of them that people who suggest having grain and sugar cereal with milk for breakfast is totally healthy, point to that rare cohort and say, "The only reason you don't look like them is because you don't run enough fat ass." Not that your body is typical of most humans and responds to insulin spikes normally and eating this food no matter how many calories are in the bowl, will make you fatter than you were yesterday unless you mentally torture yourself and ignore your bodies craving for essential fatty acids.
But yeah - whatever that crazy guy has a shitty way of putting it in words. So there for we will categorically tell him that we're going to ignore him because his tone is wrong. I mean lets look at Orange Juice.
fucking Orange juice... soda in disguise.
i gave in an retweeted a bunch of stuff...
but people will get offended, and tune it out and ignore it...
oh well...
#judgmentaldickhead
#toobadiactuallycareaboutotherpeople
#scienceandfactsarestupidandshouldbeignored
#heddwch
G
No matter how I phrase it, how sincerely I direct it.. deaf. fucking. ears.
Yeah yeah "change your tactic GeWilli" dude fuck you. I've changed my tactic a million times over, i've tried it all out. I've read and understood more primary nutrition papers than people who have fancy post grad degrees in nutrition.
But that's beside the point.
A dozen deleted tweets? Maybe?
spurred by this: people are fat because of genetic disorders and chemical imbalances, not too many calories.
and yes, this person's twitter persona is 100% asshole and 98% mean and 95% just trying to get a rise/response. Only saving grace is he's really not such a bad guy.
But he's pretty much 99% wrong. But hey... no one wants to hear about Insulin, or how we're getting close to three generations of really fucked up bad guidelines not based on science but based on lobbing efforts from companies who've profited HUGELY from this advice? Hell... if that advice was scientifically rebutted in the 70s and 80s, we'd have no TCBY, no Aerobics, no Heath clubs, no gyms, no spinning class, and only a few people with legic genetic issues would be fat but they wouldn't be unheathly. But hey, we'd also not have a health care crisis...
But that's all like the deleted tweets. Shane said something about clean eating is her new bone broth trigger. Healthy has always been mine. How is something healthy when it doesn't have any essential fatty acids and is loaded with fruit and sugars (including complex carbs - NO THEY DON'T GET A PASS). AND NO CALORIES ARE NOT CALORIES! DID YOU F'N IGNORE BIOCHEM/PHYSIOLOGY CLASS? "Oh they only taught us about the glycolysis pathway, there are other pathways?"
#SMH
Does anyone really give a shit?
Starve yourself uncomfortably eating high carb shit and maintain weight, or, skip the carbs (sure it might take a fucking month to get of the mental fucking torture your parents waterboarded you with by allowing "sugar sometimes") and use them when you need them, not when you think you need them and not be fat ever, and not be hungry.
But yeah.
Fuck.
That.
chemical imbalances and genetics...
Yes... fucking genetics plays a role. Some people can get by eating lots of sugar (under sugar's umbrella we also find complex carbs because THEY ARE FUCKING SUGAR), genetics FTW.
And well there are enough of them that people who suggest having grain and sugar cereal with milk for breakfast is totally healthy, point to that rare cohort and say, "The only reason you don't look like them is because you don't run enough fat ass." Not that your body is typical of most humans and responds to insulin spikes normally and eating this food no matter how many calories are in the bowl, will make you fatter than you were yesterday unless you mentally torture yourself and ignore your bodies craving for essential fatty acids.
But yeah - whatever that crazy guy has a shitty way of putting it in words. So there for we will categorically tell him that we're going to ignore him because his tone is wrong. I mean lets look at Orange Juice.
fucking Orange juice... soda in disguise.
i gave in an retweeted a bunch of stuff...
but people will get offended, and tune it out and ignore it...
oh well...
#judgmentaldickhead
#toobadiactuallycareaboutotherpeople
#scienceandfactsarestupidandshouldbeignored
#heddwch
G
Wednesday, March 02, 2016
foods
Just 'cause i haven't written about it much doesn't mean I haven't done much cooking, kind of sort of cook all the time every day. Still. Somethings don't change. Although It looks and feels like i may have worn out a letter or two on this computer thing. The H is loosing feeling. Ugh.
Awesome. Oh well maybe i can grab a USB keyboard and extend the life.
Making an old standby. Sure, not old, and not something I make more than 2x a year perhaps. But somehow someone convinced me to buy some Leeks and well... making this http://www.gewilli.com/2014/03/gallois-poireau-potage-parmentier-avec.html
And yes, also have fired up the wood stove to fight the chill tonight. So curling up with a bowl of it will be more or less kind of exactly like it was written up. Although using a bit more bacon this time, make some super quick veggie stock (carrot ends, celery ends, part of an onion - boiling a bit), and used some new/red potatoes instead of the normal gold or russets.
Yes potatoes - all starchy and carby and shit. special occasion and it changes it up, throws a bit of a curveball at the metabolism, keeps it on its toes. Not normal but still pretty damn yummy.
Maybe next time I'll try making Cauliflower Leek Soup with Bacon.
maybe...
or just save the cauliflower for roasting in the oven.
Did the annual re-up of the domain that VT knucklehead punked me with and then awkwardly transfered over a few years... couple years now I've managed to figure out how to renew. This might be the first year I haven't had to reset the password or contact the company i'm giving money to to keep the name in my name and keep this thing going.
But then since I did just dump some cash in their direction I should probably keep up the writing eh? Pretty shitty return on post/dollar in '14. Go figure.
Is there anything left worth saying?
Other than the idea that perhaps the 12 Hundos in July actually seems like actually not such an insane idea. I'll easily have 12 vacation days to burn, I MIGHT beable to find at least 3-4 different people who might want to join on one of those days. But man, 12 different centuries, bigger challenge is how to plan the routes so I'm not super bored. Or just hell throw the whole kitchen sink at it, Plymouth, Elephant Rock, Boston (a couple times), CT, all in RI... all in one county... Heck actually there ya go... do a century in each of RI's counties in that month too to add to it.
Other than the idea that perhaps the 12 Hundos in July actually seems like actually not such an insane idea. I'll easily have 12 vacation days to burn, I MIGHT beable to find at least 3-4 different people who might want to join on one of those days. But man, 12 different centuries, bigger challenge is how to plan the routes so I'm not super bored. Or just hell throw the whole kitchen sink at it, Plymouth, Elephant Rock, Boston (a couple times), CT, all in RI... all in one county... Heck actually there ya go... do a century in each of RI's counties in that month too to add to it.
Yes - it is not quite the same as the Hundo of the Month club, and maybe I'll still manage to join that sooner than later, but that said - I did that, kind of feel like i started it with my once a month rides to boston or where ever, doesn't matter because it is an awesome and worthy achievement even if just a goal to have.
Lots and lots and lots of stuff in the works, probably too much, but then I think that's just how i do it. Too many things at once. Perhaps soon some of this mountain of shit i do will spill over into areas that other people can get something from. Maybe.
Oh well - time to enjoy a bowl of soup next to the woodstove.
heddwch
G
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