i do not, not at all

 recommend that you go back through email archives

i suppose on one hand they are a great record, but then again lately with so much death around us all right now

mortality, our brief time here, seems so much more tangible. What happens? Get covid, ICU, dead. Can happen in days. 

What's the meaning of all this stuff. These bikes, those other non-bike items with insane significance to you because your brain remembers every emotion associated with the item. Or the bike stuff, that only you get, or maybe 10 other people get how cool it is, just junk to most everyone.

What happens to it all. 

Is it better to purge and say good bye to it all yourself, than to leave those behind with piles of shit to go through with no meaning?

Like the whole top floor of a barn in the PacNW with all the shit my dad didn't want to part with. It was all stable in the high mountain desert of Colorado. Not so much in a damp rat infested barn. Sleeping bag from the army in the 60s? Perfect shape in CO, not so much now. 

These were all things that no one else really had any value associated with, or less than my dad did and so it all got moved. He got worse, we were all supposed to clean it all out and go through it last Feb, then March, then well, you know what happened.

I picked probably the worst email to look at, in a folder I don't usually encounter too often. But today back and forth in the spam looking for not-spam. Oh btw - don't you love the emails saying send me this much money because i have your password (one that Google yelled at me to change in March and I did - all but two instances - those are now changed too) and incriminating photos and all your ____ contacts (I don't use contacts btw - also really pretty much don't care). Anyway, yeah everyone gets those all the time - or at least frequently, anyway. Passed a folder. Scrolled down and read an email from Feb 2014. 

I'm already in a bit of a funk today - was productive today and wasn't terrible, and my light is charged, shouldn't have to ride home in emergency blinking battery mode. This kind of pushed it over.

The health thing, waiting on those results, yeah yeah nothing I can do, don't let it get to you, flip the switch, just let it be. Yeah, that doesn't work. A bit overwhelmed having committed to getting the full 5k this year. 5k seems pretty damn low, but then E's new car only has 7700 miles on it and it is was at less than 20 miles on the ODO at the end of December. I've ridden more than that in a year. But now I need to come up with 280 miles by the end of the year. Riding in, i was thinking, where do i want to ride? Somehow burned out on road riding, can i come up with that many miles on the dirt? Maybe, maybe not. We'll see I guess. 

Was going to leave early today. 

But read the email, and my replies...

and opened this up...

Obviously all the shit hanging over from yesterday is still here... 

Today kind of added to it...

I guess that's the good part of being a big wookie... can carry everything for longer than most anyone...

And I'll probably cry when someone asks me "what makes you happy" and I can't come up with anything other than riding my bike, esp my mt bike... everything else is just frustrating and life... 

Gonna cue up some tunes for the ride home, let soundcloud give me something, probably dubstep or random EDM mix...  maybe it'll help keep me from thinking while I pedal..

at least the lights are fully charged now...

time to pedal, right after i put my shoes and helmet on...

heddwch

G