Idols?

 I don't have many, and the ones I do usually are along the lines of people like Mike F. Supremely skilled at putting words together. Or photographers like Russ who's taste and skill are matched well.

Maybe it is because I can relate so damn closely to Mike's writing, if not his experiences, he lived a life I might have tried to if certain things didn't happen. I can put words together but not like him. That said, he's been putting them together to get paid for what, 30+ years now? He'd damn well better be good at it, and well he is. Like the mention of the birthday. Yeah mine doesn't get overrun by christmas but it is almost worse getting over run by a summer holiday, how many birthdays wrecked by bumbershoot in Seattle? For an already insecure and shy kid who is envious of everyone's parties at school, never having a party at school sucks. Or being at your step dad's family reunion, for the 10th time or whatever, and everyone having a birthday cake for all the august birthdays and, without fail, every single time, they overlook/forget/ignore mine. But that's a pretty well documented thing here on the blog. The whole me not having a good birthday. 

And the whole it is what it is we're going to die and life is short and lets fucking ride part of his latest essay? Fuck me. I've documented that. His hydroplaning is a lot like that turbulence I experienced flying back with the massive RSV infection from Seattle last year. Watching the flight attendant launched into the cabin ceiling, one hand on the drink cart. Wondering where the half drunk ginger ale went (the cup disappeared and nothing of mine or me got wet from it) trigger the 'it is what it is and it will happen when it happens" and I stopped going to sleep at night being terrified I wouldn't wake up.

That's a lot of re-hash. But that's only part of the emotions and flashbacks and relatable stuff that was catalyzed reading his latest.

You'll probably read this and not get it like I do, or differently and that's okay. You may also read it and be confused as to why I like his style so much. 

Same vein, Russ is sharing some amazing assabet river photos. Like they are just amazingly so good, like all his stuff. 

And here I am, floundering along. I've loaded a roll of film, at 1600 ISO for seattle, in the dark and cloudy and indoors... and haven't shot a single frame with it. And it is bugging me.

Fuck I haven't even shot a digital frame with the fancy camera either...  

Related to the funk I think. The above mentioned two things are definitely inspirational but they aren't motivational. Missing that element right now.

Said thank you and good bye to the Fall intern. They were massively helpful but lately it has been super quiet. We finished up one last thing today and they are done. 

I should leave early, wander the streets of providence, ride down to the river, take it easy walk the bike, pull out the camera. Something. I really don't want to get in the car on Saturday and drive all day, but that I must. I gotta shake this funk... damn. 

Touching dirt on Sunday helped but it took the first 45 minutes to get to the zen flow state. 45 minutes of making it worse. Then 45 minutes getting out just head of where I went in. Net gain but marginal that was wiped out quickly.

Funny how the bright sunshine is making me grumpy. I want moody dark clouds for photographing, not this bright cold day. 

At this rate it'll be dusk before I get out of here for the year. Oh well.

Keep moving forward, keep doing everything for everyone else. shit might fall into place, eventually.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

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