comments and black holes

kind of funny,

i spent a bit of time in the car tonight, had to pick up my brother and his family from the airport.

good chance to drive around and think.

One line of thinking was that blog posts are kind of like posting a black hole, mostly lately esp.

Way back in them olden days we measured posts by views and comments, BSNYC more or less had a contest as to who could post first... a race for the bored and lonely. HEY I WON BY BEING FASTEST ON THE INTERNETS! Hey. I know someone who was so stoked by winning they couldn't stop talking about winning for MONTHS.

Got me thinking, big Thom's tweet (instead of comment) pushed the ball rolling...  while people still write blog posts, people don't comment anymore, they make disconnected tweets, allude to contacts, or otherwise avoid directly interacting with a web log, because that's unclean and not fashionable now.

Thoughts while driving. Thinking. It isn't just now, it is years in the making, years in the building. Hell FFS i get a blog comment that covers the last half dozen+ posts on Strava, on a ride i didn't even bother naming "afternoon ride" IIRC. I have no idea who the person named in the comment is, but maybe it is a boston boxer? I'm sure solobreak will school me. i'm a punk ass kid, what the fuck do i know.

While this is all floating around in my head while i'm driving i'm thinking about something else.

Because i can't not think about shit. I can't.

I was thinking about the fact that i'm best at being told there is a problem, and finding a solution. I fix shit that's broken, i am really good at seeing problems and issues from many points of view and providing a myriad of options. Also the stubborness of not being defeated by machines. I'll keep going through logical progressions of shit until i can identify WHY they motherfuckingpeiceofshit is broken, OR until it stops being broken.

Today was a good example of that.

Got it working by sheer determination, was worried the streak on the old workhorse was about to end.

One variable at a time.

You can't fix shit with a shotgun. You need a sniper with a single round, bolt action, contemplate before the next shot. Did that solution work? yes, no. be honest, ego has nothing to do with this. fix? no fix? no fix? what's the next target. Stay focused until a solution is found.

So why can't i fix me as well as i can fix machines?

Very good question. Some asshole (not me, i'm not the last of the species and plenty of 'friends' who don't give a shit about me enough to care, plenty who do, and i'm just crafty enough to keep everyone off balance) probably wonders why i'm a basket case more than when I'm not. No answer.

It is late. very late. I'm awake. Can't sleep. So I'm writing here instead of tweeting, or FB'n, although no desire to post on FB, urge to bitch on twitter is strong, and worrysome.

But hey.

I'm tired. But wide awake. Tomorrow is going to suck, but I can't make it better. I'm seriously depressed about not having at least a week of vacation this summer, it is weighing heavily on me, but what can i do? Pretty much nothing. I can take a week off during holy week, but while that might be awesome, it is still a stupid ton of cash and a long way off.

heck i have an opportunity to 'upgrade' the vehicle, but i can't.

but i'll keep working. in the last three months, there have been two days I haven't been drawing salary or hourly, one of the days was the 4th of July (but i was working on the minivan -w/o success, guess i have to repalce the stupid expensive part afterall) and then sometime mid-may.

back to the black hole...

to some degree i don't care who reads, if anyone reads...  google analytics is horrible, not a good measure, the other site i don't even check, that said the measure of social media success is in contacts and interactions, and with that measure this blog is a good reflection of me. No one interacts anymore. Okay Fatmarc broke down and commented on the Denali dog movie...  that doesn't count.

But does it?

it is what it is, but still feels more like a black hole, a sensory deprivation chamber, than a social environment.

And maybe that's a good thing.

Probably a very good thing.

I often feel like I've spent the first 44/45 years as a loser, at one point I had deluded myself into thinking maybe I had a chance at winning but yeah, nope. The next chapter i'm sure will be just as dramatic, i can't avoid that shit, i don't expect that to change. but will i feel like writing to the black hole to document it as i have for the last 10+ years....

time will tell...

it always does...

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