so far behind

yet not so much...

in web log world? yeah I'm a disaster, weeks behind.

Hugest shit to write up. JLSCX and me and pedaling and Abel and pedaling and Chip and people and stuff...

I've said it other places but realizing and recognizing it hasn't been easy, isn't easy, won't ever be... what it easy?

easy for who? it is easy to make life easy when you only factor one variable: yourself.

Lots of people argue that focusing on yourself should be the first and most important priority.

Seems wrong to me.

Seems exploitive and is far to easy to hurt others w/o guilt or emotional penalty.

::I'm learning to live with who I am, figuring out how to leverage what I do best, and what I suck at and balance the two into being okay with me. And that's always been my challenge. Me. not others, me dealing with me.::

I've known it for a while, taken too long to recognize it. and to vocalize it and accept it.

I have to be me first.

But in being me, I still have to live with me, and honestly that does put pretty much everyone i care and can help squarely ahead of me on the priority list.

Anyway...

this week's challenge, get everything accomplished. A very compressed week. After an extremely stressful month, in both the TSS and work TSS and emotional TSS and every other thing you can measure...  btw what the fuck does TSS mean?

The month of June started off great, got fucking derailed hard, rebounded and then I just physically destroyed myself working three jobs, riding 187 miles with James (this wasn't no lame ass sissy lets ride on the same road for 300km, this was a nagivational nightmare, an unfamiliar route, and done by a couple old 45+ master dudes), then THEN I had to cover for my brother at his remodel job, deal with increasing work stress, keep the weekly wed Night ride going and then of course I had a moronicly stupid but equally awesome and special idea to ride up to Abel's going away party/bbq at Chip's place.

Not just ride there, ride there, sleep on the CBL guest couch, then ride back to WORK the next day.

I got home from that, and knew i'd pushed too far.

The month was a success: 30 days or riding, I was in good spirits at the end of the month, the evil that had poisoned me had been dealt with and released...  moving in positive direction.

But....

I.
was.
completely.
burnt.
out.

Maybe because I'm getting old but I kind of have this sneaking suspicion that looking back, that would have had a similar impact on all but maybe two people I know.

Flip side: I had made it through June and survived.

Downside? I had a shit ton of stuff to do this week: build bikes, because dude I need the cash. fix Fox's bike because he asked me to and well... yeah have to. Fix wife's minivan/daily driver. Find time for me to recover and be able to survive.

Work this week was insane. Short week made shorter by my bits of pedaling, but even shorter by other things that belong in the story the ride not here.

Work being insane means more that it is a nightmare of juggling schedules and demands. where does it all fit in? Well in three hours I managed to pretty much ensure I'm not getting anything I need to get done next week besides get people up to speed on the scopes they want to use. And that also means NOT getting about as many people up to speed as they want, or express that they want. Too many of them are "I NEED TRAINING NOW" and then don't use it for weeks if at all. I'm getting better at sniffing them out but it still happens, and as crazy as it is now, the fear of it being a bigger problem is haunting me a bit.

Procedural stuff right? Job. Get Paid. This is what I'm good at... in theory at least. One of the things.

In the end, I've fixed the minivan (I hope, maybe maybe not) Fox's bike is almost ready to crush it (almost in that I need to remember to see if I have a pulley bushing that isn't in his lower jockey wheel and is causing problems) but every thing else is done, shop? I have bikes to build tomorrow. That's the last peice of get it all done.

I haven't written about the most amazing ride with James, and trust me, even if i don't write about it...  amazing, it was one of those transformative moments in many ways. Abel's ride/party/those people. Must comment. Must comment how much I realize how valuable actually seeing people in person is. How emotional and raw and deep the connection is. This daily talking thing on the internet, or even occasional talking thing, means nothing. We're f'n Human. In person is what matters. That's what is important. That is where the real power lies and will always remain. And it was the most positive and powerful reminder two weeks in a row.

Haven't done a pile of other stuff. But reflecting today after pulling the EGR valve, cleaning the EGR pipe and the valve, riding to get new gaskets, getting Fox's bike finished. Stuff I had to do. To fix the minivan and the EGR I had to ride to TFGreen. That's a shitty ass ride. And not a short one. But I did it.
Stopped to help a mom riding with her boys, one of the bikes couldn't keep the chain on. Chain too loose, single speed coaster brake. I fixed it and helped her understand what she needed to to to make it work, she was grateful, but it was simple, I helped, and rode away to get the van.

"Do You Need Help?"  I've asked it a handful of times lately riding. That incident with the chain was one of the few lately that someone didn't say "No" or other decline....

I got most everything done. Still lots left to do. Crazy amount to do but i got what i needed to get done in this window accomplished. Granted there's too much left to do and I should have been doing something other than sleeping and reading and recovering when I wasn't doing the rest. But.

It was needed. If I hadn't slowed down and read. Hadn't not done a few things. I'd have been without the energy or forces to do what was needed.

Next couple/three weeks look like hell. But ah whatever. so what if I got a pretty crappy raise this year, it is still better than the years I got nothing.

CX is coming. Soon.

And I can't wait, but I can wait. It will be here when it is here. I'm trying to convert the black blue into a single speed but there's no BB30-english 68mm exccentric that I can find. Soooo that leaves tensioner. The state of my bikes is another insane question, but you know, they work. I want to see what the failure point is. I found it on the Giant, so yes i have one compeltely dead and useless frame I can't warranty, My other two CX bikes are unwarranteeable because they are from some dead company. So when they break, done. Like the ebay Giant.

Very much rambling. Fireworks going off. The dogs are freaked out. Yay 'murica!

Gonna read for a while now, fall asleep, wake up and go to work. and do everything else i need to do tomorrow which is a growing list of near-impossible.

There are words in my head that want to come out. Driving this whole mess honestly. But best to let those feelings be lost, that motivation slip off into forgotten land, harness the drive but not acknowledge the negative bitter fuel behind the motivation.

That's me. that's my burden. the manifestation of emotional pain. I internalize so much, feel too much, but at the same time am the biggest asshole anyone will ever meet. But then I guess does that make me one of the nicest assholes anyone will ever meet? Nothing I care to worry about but do occasionally think about. Not a crown or title i'm looking for.

I'm me. I'm a fucking enigma. Destined to really be alone, not wanting to be but knowing it is best that way, but not alone in the sense that i've made some amazing friends who, each and every one I'm grateful for. I realize that i can go years w/o seeing someone and not dimish the feeling of comradarie...  not unique to me, but a cool human quirk.

Definitely rambling now, but then I guess this is better than drinking and sending dronk emails. Not that I'm dronk but hey 4th of July, shouldn't I be? It would be the murican way! No, I'm writing and reading and cooking and keeping busy.

Soon I'll write up the big rides. I don't think I'm making it to Diamond hill. Too far away. Too much work to be done, too many compounding logistics no matter how much I want to ride a Santa Cruz that fits me.

heddwch
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