can't stop, won't stop

 So now I learn that shit ain't something someone made up about shitty CX canti brakes?

Damn

This one's for KF

 

Getting all emotional at the ending there...

t O's book

Like a candle in a room, dying, slowly dimmer, then eventually nothing, blackness takes over, and as it does your memories fade and you become the darkness. 

Your conscienceness fading as the light goes away...

Another passage, 

"ever wonder why seminars on white privilege are just a bunch of white people trying to figure out what's wrong with being lucky? "

Anyway, read books, people who get paid to put words together are really good at it. 

Do a wheelie Danny

 Like all Danny's productions, this is just fantastically entertaining. Can't help but smile.

even with everything going on, in order to face what makes us uncomfortable. 

we need a few moments like this:

and if the algorithm doesn't push you here...  you should watch it:

if you've been keep score

 GeWilli has not been so good at staying ahead of the exhaustion curve. He seems to keep moving until he can't, collapses, recovers only enough to get back up and start moving again, just not fast enough not to be clobbered in a short timeframe.

Like woops, now.

ride bikes

 Does look pretty amazing to ride and live there...

still only one line

 and also no wonder people false negative on these Abbott tests, they are crazy complicated and fussy compared to the iHealth tests i'm used to using.

click over on www. zineee. com just because, okay cut paste and remove the spaces - keep the link track backs clean, and thinking about engagement, if i don't put one of these things

Cleaning out old flickr photos

 And well damn if there isn't some gems in there.

Guess I had it on autobackup starting at somepoint in '14...  kind of wish I'd started it sooner but that's probably when the phone filled up the first time. Maybe. Didn't have a smart phone till '13. Late adapter.

There was a conversation, more or less one sided, I thanked someone for their words on twitter in a DM, they replied three phrases that literally became something I kept going back to. Again and again over the next year.

It sucked, and yeah there was a huge victory fist pump when i found it. Bunch of other amazing images. I'd backed flickr up once before, a couple years ago, I had logged back in and my account must have gone from dormant to oh hey you have too many pictures, pay us or we'll delete them all. so I deleted them. And holy crap that was not easy to do.

I erased a few key words and who sent it but it probably won't take a genius with twitter to dig through and find the original thread. Hell I found it. 

Another good one is from Canton:

This dude. We both lost our fathers roughly around the same time, we wound up doing most of a full lap at Crosstobeerfest, riding side by side, talking about it, was pretty amazing, unwittingly we had a long string of people just riding behind us, patiently, while we shared some pretty emotional stuff.

Brad's one of those good people out there. Like really genuinely good and amazing people. If you see him, give him a donut.

heddwch
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The noose is closing in

 Having escaped getting covid for this long, 2.5 years if you track it back to the earliest spread and transmission of Sars-Cov2. man it would have been so much better if they called it Sars2. So much scarier sounding than covid or the vid or the 'rona.

And finally after that time our house has one positive. Docs refuse to prescribe paxlovid, no co-morbidities. How about we give it to everyone who can benefit. Gotta be enough doses now, no? Ration care, sure why not. Honestly timing isn't' bad, assuming the rest of the house makes it clear w/o tripping a rapid positive. There's a lot going on and the bonus change in plans means less hectic house cleaning today.

Headwind has been nuts and of course it shifted just a little more out of the east than north and instead of a nice tailwind home last night it was pretty much full cross wind. 

And just as I said something about the knee feeling better, well wouldn't you know, riding the singlespeed commuter, well lets say, didn't feel great. A little better today, and no, no smackdown for me. Just still tired, and really can't quite get to that mental state of wanting to go hard on the road bike. it is strange, but then I haven't been able to get out  on the MTB either, and want to but man time. Where is the fucking time? Honestly a part of me was kind of looking forward to a positive test for myself yesterday. 5 days of doing nothing, not leaving the house...  sounds pretty amazing.

Also pretty sad that it takes getting infected with a virus that has the potential to shrink your brain, damage your heart and countless other unknown health issues sounds good. 

Maybe just need to take those 5 days off while I'm healthy instead? Maybe after I finish this week, and get everything done next week that I won't get done this week and then maybe, then? except for all the other stuff on the calendar.

Tweaked the side bar again, no point sending you to dead links, updated a few, added two bike shops for obvious reasons, not that anyone clicks on there. I should probably put some Topeak linkage up. Remember if you need something I've got a code for you that will take 20% of the price off any in stock item purchased direct from Topeak.  
20% discount code WILLIAMS-22 at https://www.topeak.com/us/en

There making it stand out. No i don't get any cash or bonus or extra stuff if you order with it, but they have been sending me fun cool awesome shit to use and abuse and talk about so thing about it as a thank you to everyone who has to put up with me talking about it. Now hopefully they'll be releasing a 350PSI digital shock pump soon. I think I need just a little over 299PSI in the shock on the Top fuel.

okay- gotta go shuffle TBs of data around. Have an 8TB NAS that is totally full. Good thing data is cheap now. 

And yeah, I'll be the one still wearing a mask everywhere. given what I'm seeing? if you interact with people at all, you probably should be wearing one now too. 

heddwch
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tidy narratives

 "The truth, as usual, is both and also neither, too complex for a tidy narrative. But we keep trying, don’t we, to tell our story? Like anyone attempting to weave tangled threads of experience, I hope to grasp something tangible from the abstraction of memory. "

Well isn't that just a fucking brilliantly perfect pile of words describing what many web loggers and diary-ers (diarrhea allusion intended) do with their spaces?

How many of you have waited for the line, the bad line, to show up on a Rapid test? Guess what, if it shows up it will show up instantly. That 15 minute wait? just to make sure. But as the fluid flows past in the nitrocellulose filter, it will react instantly.

If you start testing while it is strong, and watch it, it will fade, slowly away.

This story is in process. It is a stressful one. This pandemic shit, it is nuts, it is scary, it is insane how many people are infected right now. 

Last class happens soon. Then some grading and then i can move on to the rest of the absolutely insane.

Stay well out there my friends!

Heddwch
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stuff

https://www.thecut.com/2022/05/roe-v-wade-limits-of-privilege.html

Well this booster #2 is kicking my ass and my arm is functional, but barely. 

Had 2 novel symptoms though. 

1) Realizing that 4 years in your 20s feels like the same amount of time between 30 and 50.

2) Hard realization of how short our lifetimes are in the scheme of humanity and history.

Good move skipping the gravel ride, also good move skipping work today.

It sucks but it is what it is. 

- wrote that yesterday - 

got up at 4:30am to get the two headed to the rowing race in NH ready to go, making food, coffee...  then I went back to bed, Hey it is light at 5:20am. 

And then I feel back asleep hard till 8:15, thought about texting that I wouldn't make Dirt Church but fell back asleep for another hour, then slept another 30 min...  got up, ate a little, browsed netflix, then cued up the replay of the Women's XCO. Still watching that now, they are on the last lap.

Booster and life kicking my ass. I'm tired. And looking at what I'm trying to do lately? GO FIGURE HOLY SHIT. On the other side I'm getting a lot done. Just not riding much. Getting done what I can get done.

So much to do though. Not sure how to get through the next week. Thinking about 4 years ago, thinking about further back...

My knee seems to be getting slowly better, still not 100% but def getting close. 

But kind of shockingly tired. As in fuuuuck me seriously? So tired, some how need to recover. Funny how I can find the energy if i need it but when I don't creally need it, feels like system failure. Hard to describe. But there's so much to do, how to do it all. But also rest? But then for the pedaling thing, that really would benefit most from rest. But also need to ride. So what to do? I mean I can go out and do a 20 mile hard MTB ride but then i'm dead for a day or two right now. 

Really not sure how to solve all this and still meet all the obligations. 

guess i'll work it out somehow

heddwch
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greasy joe's?

 The gravel grinder not the usual Dirt Church location.

Had kind of thought the Hellraiser edition would be awesome. I also thought maybe doing smackdown tonight would be a thing.

Thinking no on both. 

I'd like to do the hellraiser but i think maybe I might do it solo, it is a tough ride and there's little refueling so it takes serious logistics. That last time I did it solo was baaaaaaad, but good but also not good.

Was thinking this morning about the Top Fuel, get the crank sorted and then was thinking about the tires, those soft SE4s are heavy and not the best but also are on there and with the cush core are a pain to change and do i really want to get another set of wheels (obvs yes but also no). 

And then there's all the other shit going on. 

Fuck - that sense of doom and dread this morning after yesterday's shit...

On the plus side I feel a little better than yesterday, just like a tuesday has felt for a while, but still not energized enough to go smackdowning.

Gotta figure this shit out somehow, def need to starting riding more and skipping a big fun ride is a dumb idea but other shit has to happen. And I'm tired. 

Also this morning I thought about starting to take the long way in. Might not be a bad idea.

Def need to start the Tower Hill morning meeting routine again too. But would be good to find someone to join on that. Someone maybe just a little faster than me (i mean that's pretty much everyone anyway) 

And then...  what bike? Got dreaming of a new Road bike but i already have a way too expensive fancy MTB, that said a new road bike would be really nice. Oh well fuck it - only benefit of this frustrating morning is I have time to sit here and monitor shit with just enough attention free that I can smash the keyboard.

heddwch
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trying to figure out

 why i feel like such garbage on Mondays lately.

Today's no exception, it is like last week but at least last week I went out and rode 20 miles in the woods. This week? 

nothing and yet here I am zombie...

speaking of zombie:

Time to ride home before it gets too much later.

Maybe I can even dodge the rain, almost made it in dry this morning, tailwind was appreciated, but it is probably still out there.

May make some green curry tonight, sounds yummy but so much chopping, we'll see.

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch
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where did it go

 The weekend that is? 

worked on bikes  yesterday, today plans changed by unclear communication and failure to secure proper resources. so we went grocery shopping instead.

meant no dirt church but maybe not the worst because i'm tired. and still negative, test, mental outlook is still pretty positive and that's kind of a surprise.

finished Heretics of Dune, churning through those massive tomes in audio format works better. So tired that my eyes couldn't tell if something was an 18 or a 13 on a curved bottle in the store. Not great lighting but no matter where i put it i just couldn't quite make it out. Kind of terrifying to be honest. 

Was scrolling through IG and hit a big swatch of people on bikes, racing, photos by friends who shoot some races this weekend and i'm looking at all these people and they all look foreign to me. Somehow my identity has shifted? Dunno, was just weird. 

Crank fell off again last week, not sure what to do or how to fix or what. Have the SSMTB to use, perhaps that's something to think about riding more of. I dunno though. Need to kick start something, somehow. 

mentally just also tired. physically too. I got a good hour or two working outside, doing small things like pulling up the invasive english ivy, perhaps my new goal is to eradicate it from my yard. Noble and impossible  but something to do. in the sun and outside. 

it is strange, current feeling that is. No real Fomo from the weekend, lots of riding and racing and fun shit happening and I just went to build bikes and supposedly building a compost bin but that didn't work out well. 

I forgot that greasy joes gravel is next weekend, probably will skip it, but maybe skipping this weekend means I should give the smackdown another attempt. hang out  in the B group perhaps, form a C group, drift back into the what the hell am i doing group. Maybe it will rain again. 

Dunno really, feels like a strange crossroads at the moment. except no roads except the path I walked to get here.  can't go back though, that's the past, there are stories and memories but any fork in the road i didn't choose then is long gone, washed away by the weathering of time. 

Still mostly governed by this  new fatalistic awareness of finality. Still pretty crippling at times. The urge to purge grows, but then I have a weird mind that each object becomes a trigger for a specific memory and that object becomes a memory and if I purge the object so too the memory. But then when cerebral function ceases, well, those go as well. 

Have to work on figuring that out, that how to  survive with this mental state, has the potential to be self destructive, but at least no desire to ever go back to the ways prior to 2018... closing in on 4 years ago, 4 years ago  in a few days I started one last month long bender of epicness. Epic only in so much as to how much i was physically capable of consuming. 

Need to fall back on gratitude, more than just a crutch, but still feels more like a splint than a solution. 

I should really get on with cooking dinner. Much more food to make and I'm tired, weary. Need a vacation, like a real one maybe this time, is that even possible for me? Haven't really had one in so long I have no concept in recent memory. 

well

till next time

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch
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Covers and Originals

 Was given a pub card about another show. I don't think it is as good, and is a bit more contrived but it isnt' bad and just maybe different. 

A collage show vs just a photo show... images are technically good from the screen but also missing some tonality I try to capture. 

It seems more along the lines of what i was doing in 2011 with the J&WU Edible Nanoscape show. Perhaps he got the idea from that? Unlikely but who knows.

RM posted something about heavy metal covers of Lightfoot's Edmund Fitz song. Shared one that just seemed like a little more rock and roll, so I dug into the depths a bit two. Found two good ones...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjjjixDv3wE and https://youtu.be/rAra9YYFpis 

And then promptly put on this:

All the while balancing everything else. Another unexpected and appreciated schedule break. Almost like a planned unstructured moment. Dashing from one thing to another but still insanely busy, all the while being relieved not to be talking for 4 hours straight and being totally 100% focused. Fitting in this here and there. 

Re-edit when interrupted mid thought. catching the train in many places at once.

There's a really massive amount of shit out there in the world to weigh one down and fuel depressive hopeless feelings... metering out the dosage so you're not oblivious but also not incapacitated is tricky. Slipped a little down the incapacitation slope earlier today, trying to dig myself back out. Surprisingly managing okay.

Oh and it is weird to have the kid just walk out of the house with their bags, get in the car and leave. Alone. Really, weird. 

Guess I should probably not forget to eat lunch. 

And not forget to hit publish...

heddwch
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moments

 Grabbing them here and there.

Thinking too much but being too tired to think critically or helpfully.

A few people that shouldn't have and who've managed to avoid it so far caught some of the covid - i know more people I interact with that have come down with covid in the last two weeks than the whole two years before. 

Kind of crazy.

Also I don't really interact with that many people. Maybe my internet friends have gotten it and not shared that they got it. But still.

Seems significant. Sure everyone's symptoms are mild but still, that's just what is presented, not what you can't see. This fucking virus is insane.

Had another fortuitous cancellation this afternoon. Downside is it meant a project got stopped earlier than it needed too but it was already 177GB so plenty of data to work with as it is. More would have been unmanageable.

Went to ride up to the printer, went to leave bike felt funny. Front tire was flat. I just filled it up this morning.

30 min of futzing (including soapy water) and nothing. no hole but the valve was a little sticky, could have just not been tightened all the way down after filling it up this morning? Dunno. It was a bummer. But gave the Frame pump a bit of cleaning up.

Watch out on the roads - kid is driving. Today was the first day. To school, to practice (presumably) and hopefully home. She's solid, patient and very much not wanting to follow the lead of all her classmates (hitting shit). Have to admit - i'm pretty anxious for her, but also feel comfortable with her driving. The last handful of trips in the car while she was driving were really good - she was confident and seemed comfortable and attentive. I shouldn't be worried, I'm not really but it is hard not to be as a parent.

But kids grow up, oldest never did get a license, let the permit expire without doing much with it, just too much to learn how to drive at the time. And they're okay with being in the city with a bike and public transport. And that's f'n cool. 

So far the same fucking tube that was flat is holding air.

Trying to trim a few blocks down in this time space but that means starting it and then letting it run. Cutting 500µm at a time. Just on the edges. More critical cutting happens in a second, or tomorrow. Maybe.

Started off feeling like I had a plan with the words here today, so maybe just going through the motions, getting back into the rhythm. 

Might have a tailwind tonight, we'll see. 

best wrap it up and head home and start making dinner.

get up first, make coffee, wake kid up, make them breakfast, pack my lunch, shower or not, head to work, head home, make dinner, sit for an hour, go to bed. wake up, repeat.

wonder why i'm tired all the time

but things are good

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch
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140 characters of time

 or whatever it is now, hell you can post a 1,000 chirp thread, and that's more than that character limit, so is there really a limit anymore?

No, and now the potential takeover has me thinking, well, maybe it is a good thing. Honestly though there are people I never would have met or connected with that I appreciate all the time from that free webpage. There's a good handful of folks from the old G+ days that I still see there and call a friend.

It was a unique place, but I suppose that's the whole point of a social network they change and where ever we all wind up, everything dies and this current conciousness ends. No one is posting on social networks after they die, not yet. We haven't fully mapped the brain and the connections and made AI versions of ourselves like Ready Player Two talks about or Scalzi's OMW or any other brain copy sci-fi books... We are who we are at this time until our time.

Had a friend mention that well we don't know what happens after, maybe it is way better than this? Either way - be it nothing - endless sleep and the cessation of 'us' or an afterlife of hell or heaven a reunion of all the past generations - perhaps we do wander the earth as a spirit...Doesn't change the fact that our digital space is purely here and now.

And like the human race, seemingly more and more just a blip on the planetary time scale.

Fuck I get a panic attack anxiety flush just thinking about that, thinking about how short the time is here and the heart breaking inability to know what will happen next. We'll likely never know the end of the story... Will it end? 

The gallery show maybe has made me think more directly about what I went through this fall. Death, that feeling when I turned 50. My dad. My mother's heart failure and how little time she has left given that condition. Spending time with her, really understanding how much constant pain she's in and how challenging the path forward for her is, it is overwhelming. 

And then the whole Sars-CoV-2, the mistakes made over the last two years, the number of people continuing to get it... a couple things have been occupying my background thought processes:

1) vax status and "long-covid" (not just obvious symptoms but the hidden, heart and other issues)

2) post covid susceptibility to more severe TBI/Concussions. It is documented that Sars-CoV-2 can cause the brain to shrink. Given the mechanism of TBI, more space means higher force and that means potentially more severe concussion symptoms and increased recovery duration. Wondering if that's maybe why RF's super long symptom duration is persisting?

Also since 'long-covid' health issues can be asymptomatic or apparently dormant until triggered, the full depth of this virus might never be completely understood for a very very long time... if ever. That's what I'm basing my personal risk assessment on. 

There's a fuck ton of other shit bouncing around in my head but I'm really tired.

There's so much to do, but even still things are okay. If not good. Even though there's so much bad out there and so many people I know and love are struggling. And for the most part I can't do anything for them and that's the worst.

I did finally get out in the woods. Had a fabulous ride. Then my crank arm fell off again. yeah the bolts were tight. it isn't a good situation, can't get new cranks for that, might have to scour the internet for NOS. Being an outlier sucks when the industry is cutting down SKUs and chasing stupid trends. No I can't ride a bike with a seat tube that steep and no, I can't seem to pedal cranks shorter than 180mm w/o being in serious pain. And NO i don't know why that is. And Yes, it sucks. But it is what it is.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
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I'll try to be a bit more regular - we'll see, fuck I may just pick up and move over here totally. But even though I know there are a couple of you reading this - it isn't the same as the other place...

really well cooked

 Check the link in the last post and you can re-watch it. Guess they left the recording up so you can re-watch it. I'm still not ready to watch myself, already pretty self critical I'd pick myself apart, but lots of people thought it went well so I'm avoiding dispelling their impression of the artist talk and avoiding actually doing more than finding that we start talking at the 47 minute mark.

Finally got on the bike this morning, another long break. April is gonna be a light month. Maybe that's a good thing? Dunno but there are plenty of other stressors, can only do so much...

Trying to sit here to gather the energy to ride home... 

Tomorrow's another really INSANE day that hopefully will go well

Semester has a few weeks left, then, well then I think it'll be time for a handful of mental health days, aka get on the bike and ride... 

At least after I rest and recover a little.

Just have to push a little further...

heddwch

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virtual opening?

 Yeah there is one:
check it here

This is the link to the live stream tomorrow night.

No passwords or signups are needed so people can go right to the link at 7pm

https://evt.live/nebi-gallery

In case you wanted to see me attempting to act like an artist and say words about my dad without breaking down into full on sobs.

Busy f'n day, heading down there now, unknowns but oddly not obsessing about them because I can't control them and being so far away and practicing this has helped just roll even deeper with the GeWilli Chill...

words, will have to improv some words, try to hit the bullet points and put them in a natural order but scripting?

Let the words flow, like when I get in a groove here, sometimes they just come rolling out faster than my fingers can capture them, and I trip up a little and get lost, but I'm also not trying to talk for a huge long time so hopefully I won't.

let the work speak for itself, give the background, brief outline, people can ask if they want more details...

let it be what it is

time to hop in the car and drive for a while

got thinking, started on Wed morning...  hugs...  is the best part of the bike racing all the hugs with all the amazing people I've had the fortune to meet? Sure there are people who don't want hugs and for them just seeing them, and then not hugging them, that's almost as good as a hug...

side track - another side track, masks, going to be game time call if i mask the whole time or just when I'm not talking, but if no one shows maybe I can just chill and not. We'll see. bringing options... and myself.

time to drive

heddwch

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Waves from the weeds

 Hitting the wall already. it is fucking tuesday though.

That's not good.

Wrapped up a training session early - by a few minutes, after an insane morning. Not sleeping well with all the stuff going on. I had managed to cut back on coffee a little while in Seattle. Saturday had a little too much of it and well...  didn't sleep well and here I am paying for that.

Not even any good riding. Working on the exhibit stuff.

Speaking of: https://nebigallery.org/

I told y'all about it right? You're gonna be there? Right? Maybe too far away. 

But it is soaking up all the fucking time I have. Like ALL of it and I'm already pretty overwhelmed just trying to recover from being gone for 5 days. 

Still recovering from it.

But the gallery is opening, I'm excited, I think. Headed down there tonight. I wish it was a lot close but it is where it is and is such a unique opportunity that I couldn't say no and well...  here we go. Somehow have to make it till Friday night when the opening happens and then home.

But it is only Tuesday. 

But besides hitting the wall things are good. It is weird? But a really nice change.

Sorry about the mostly radio silence... gotta get through this shit first. then get back it all.

heddwch

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