May he be at rest

 Shane MacGowan 

Kind of wrecked a bit. 

His health wasn't the best at the end, but just making it to 65, given everything he's done to himself, is a remarkable feat. He gave us a fuck ton of music.

The cassette tape If I Should Fall From Grace was my sound track for years...

That was my punk in high school... 

"Jeff Roberson @jsroberson.bsky.social

Shane MacGowan…In my fantasy world, Shane just kicked Henry in the balls while on line to chat with St. Peter and all the newly departed erupted in cheers while St. Pete waves Shane to the front of the line.

But there is no god waiting for us, just worms and bacteria. ;)"

Thank fully we can focus on the loss of a musician who sung for the down trodden. 

The anti-war anthem: https://youtu.be/cZqN1glz4JY?si=u6StAVYqseL8rDhZ

To the immigrant's song: 

 I dunno. I'm luggage today.

The CX under the lights last night was good. It took me a good 30 minutes of 'racing' before my legs felt open. Not sure how I'm going to recreate that on saturday. I did sign up for Ice Weasels.

And yeah, I need to race then photograph but I signed up for the last race. Maybe i won't take too many photos.

maybe just bring the film? we'll see what Saturday brings. 

I put a 22 on there, put the heavy alloy wheels with the dirty smackdown set up, as bad if not worse than the fast wheels but this is a shitty heavy course so fast wheels won't help me, they don't help me anyway. 

I fucked up and missed the staff show deadline. Looked back and thought I'd have a couple good SEM images, nope. Not really. A few but nothing that says YEAH, and the scope is running a multi-day job. Oh well.

There's a lot going on.

I've been listening to a lot of Pogues today, kind of a good moderate productivity day instead of full out crazy like has been happening since... um... August.

heddwch

G

Balance and between

 It struck me just now, looking at someone's photo they posted.

It is amazing. So good, it both inspires me and motivates me.

I recognized that I'm absorbing new stuff about photography at a level I've never thought about before, partly now due to both the intention of pushing myself in using the cameras but also bringing all the years of other visual art work I've been doing into my process. The nanoscape, the camera in my pocket for the last million years, digital lately. And now here this, and i'm feeding off and learning from people better and different than myself who are willing to share.

I thought about bikes, and, honestly, who is doing that for me? No one. Not anymore. Then it kind of hit me, plenty of people comment about what I share, or just being there, and maybe I'm at that end and if I pull away completely I stop being able to positively influence and motivate people. Even the fast guys look at my strava and see the daily commute as inspirational. Motivational. they've said so. It doesn't matter how fast I am in some ways, I'm still here. Jim English stopped by, been forever, so long it took me a minute to place his face. Oh and this new keyboard is going to take some getting used to. But I guess I'd better get used to it because it is mine now. Need to clean off the personal stuff off the old one and bring it in to work for use there and in class.

It is weird, going to take getting used to.

Should really write up the race report from yesterday. But on the racing side? Lets just say my number predicted my performance. 86

It was rough. Still cooked from the turkey burner 22 mile ride on the SSMTB. SO MUCH SLOW CLIMBING. It is fine but it takes a LOT to basically be engaged the whole time at really low RPM, like almost trackstanding up the hills and we had ~1900' of climbing, much like that. Fred did take us on a unique route so that was at least something different. But I was cooked, and fried. And of course couldn't stop. Saturday was shopping, getting a pile of much needed stuff, including this silly laptop. Screaming deal on it, maybe I'll find out why. Also 16" is nice and big but it has kind of submarined my ability to pick a camera backpack. The ones I had finally settled on wound up not having space for more than a 14-15 laptop. 

Link to Album from yesterday: https://flic.kr/s/aHBqjB4LLC 

I am not used to not having two 'mouse' buttons below the trackpad. oh well. I used to be fine with it, work laptop made me lazy I guess.

It is all adaptation eh?

Problems other than my number and the Friday MTB ride? Tires. The black mambas were terrible on that course. File treads are fine but they weren't okay. There was a mix on the way there that had what I thought were those lyrics. Seemed fitting. But upon searching it probably was It's not right but it's okay.

Those tires were NOT right, but they were okay.

It was slick, there were some serious off cambers and then all the roots. I had pressure set so I was hitting the roots on the rim at least once paying attention (would hit every time if I rode like an idiot), they are not right but are better on the off camber grass stuff at 2psi lower than I ran them but that would be a death knell to the rims on that course. I had a serious speed limit in a few places and was loose as fuck on one wet section, squirrely and terrifying. 

Gearing. Was definitely not right, but was okay.

Too tall, way too tall. Needed to drop down to the 44x22. Could have ridden a few more things more easily, gotten back up to speed a bit better and there was one long section but it was after a punchy up and was a false downhill flat and not long enough to spin out. 

Legs, again they were not right but it was okay.

I found a few good lines, shared them with a few people, got some nice "hey those worked and were awesome" about them. It was a good day.

It was a bad race for me. Maybe I need to go back to gears and do SSCX on a low importance whim now and then? Go back to the roots. Maybe I need a new bike too?

That is absolutely what I need. Another expensive bike. 

Or not.

Need to do a lot. Mostly need to try and wrap up and leave early because i'm really fucking tired. The wind last night woke us both up worrying about the single in the back yard. We need to figure out a decently secure storage system for it here. At some point. But when?
Thinking about heading to the NBX training race Wed night. Never been, could leave and stop by the shop on the way there. Would be good to do and say hey and to order some sealant that I need to keep the air in the front tire of the MTB. Maybe order some new tires too. Or wait till next year and see if Donnely brings in a 38mm PDX. Or I guess look at a vitorria? I Dunno. Tire stuff. Like everything else, I'm looking for this unobtanium thing in a niche of a niche. Good graphics performance, but I don't play games. Maybe i should start playing games on the computer? Maybe not.

Better get back to shit and put this thing back down.

heddwch
G

Photos

 Been photo taking more and more lately.

Intentional.

But it is taking focus from other things. Like the Nanoscape stuff.

Today I pushed it and did both.

Quick image of the Porcelain Berry on the SEM and a walk outside after the rain.

(my clothes are still wet but almost dry so I'm delaying and writing)

At the moment, in a weird headspace. Also need coffee but don't want to make more, I should make more but making one cup is annoying and it takes time and maybe there'll be some left over at home or something if I can get out of here soon. 

It is weird for a few but kind of intangible reasons.

came to work in the pouring rain to do some important stuff, then it was just more or less sitting around and waiting for clothes to dry.

I guess I could have packed dry clothes. That would have been smart.

But sometimes (all the time) I'm not so smart.

I let a comment get to me earlier today (on line of course) probably not even anything close to me but hey, no one is really sure how something on the internet will be interpreted by someone else.

But it was good doing a bit of both EM and photo stuff.

Of course today is the day I should have brought the film camera, those rain drops on the Rose are awesome, oh well. Next time.

Guess I should take a break, and get dressed in the cycling kit. It is mostly dry and maybe me wearing it will speed it up. Or at least warm it up before I go outside and ride home.

A few damp spots. 

I'm tired. Physically not as much, been sleeping pretty well. Mentally mostly. 

but that's what the next few days are for right? Uh huh. nice and restful. oof.

well

happy thanksgiving or genocide day or however you manage to mark the long holiday weekend here in the states.

heddwch

G

Digging the no travel holiday

 This used to be a load up and travel week. Years of making the trek to VA and having a split Thanksgiving between my Dad's house and my in-laws, then a few years of cooking in Michigan, and then we came out to RI and having traveled since. College was load up on the train or I guess maybe drive down with E to VA for a year or two, I don't remember. it was a long fucking time ago.

But here we are, RI style means driving the longest 8 miles in the state. Gotta transect Barrington.

Bringing the usual.

I did breakdown the smallest Turkey my brother hard left. All 30 pounds of it. Tossed a pile of the skin and most of the fat, I don't have space or time to render that shit and when you cook with it everything just tastes like turkey. But I have three bags of bones in the freezer to make stock with. The wings have enough meat to make soup after the stock. The legs and thighs are huge, one meal each or I guess roast together and have enough left overs. The breasts are huge. The two of them completely fill a half sheet pan (18"x13"). 

Probably will brine the breasts, cook one and freeze the other. Will roast or grill the legs with thighs attached, and the rest? Dunno, we'll see.

Started watching this yesterday while the serial block face was running (DOING COOL SHIT) and finished it this morning (repeat of the same):

The whole series was great. And yeah I know the outcome but it was still well done.

Kind of got emotional when his dad gave him a hug at the finish...  oof... Was riding in this morning, thinking about Adam's comment over on one of the new social media microblogging platforms in response to my feeling of ugh after seeing his name pop up on the pre-reg list for the 50+ race at Shedd park. He was there and posting and sharing about how awesome it is having Flynn race and then cheer for him and all that. I thought about my oldest, how they made a choice or felt like they had to choose ballet over bikes, and I was just thinking about what might have been, but it is what it is now. Nothing to change, I mean I get how awesome it must be for Adam to have his kid doing what he's doing, probably like Fox with his kid. Sure I've got a talented athlete kid but it is not my sport, it is one i'm adjacent to and have done, but it isn't bikes. It was pretty awesome being in paris and seeing them and being able to give them a huge hug after racing. But it is different. Ya know? Maybe it is only different in my head. So yeah stoked for adam at the same time kind of wishing I'd had that opportunity. And no, no fucking way am I signing up for more kids. In NO scenario is that something I would look out for. I'm old enough as it is, barely have energy for myself.

Shedd Park was an interesting day. Unlike the previous two weeks when I was able to actually feel rested on Friday before the race, I was fucking gassed and even taking it easy Saturday I was still really tired on Sunday. Heart rate took forever to recover doing an effort on the trainer before the race (for example). It was a really rough week, lots of stress, lots of early mornings and long days.

I've been trying to look at buying a laptop for photo editing. No I don't want a Mac. Really. REALLY do not want. But also don't want to dump high end MAC money on a gaming laptop (I play some games but really not many and not on the computer - usually have one on the phone). And now that it is black friday monster sale, I'm looking and just not seeing a ton of good stuff, the cheap stuff is flying off but I don't really want that.

Kind of like trying to find tires for the CX bike. I know what I want but I don't know if anyone makes it. At least the computers are customizable and flexible.

So anyway, Shedd park. Left a little later than planned but not too bad. Got there, but driving up I was remembering 2013, and started getting sad, depressed, thinking about what might have been what was there and could have been and what I should have done differently. Same shit all over again. 

Then I remembered Jack C and his bottle of Apple moonshine in 2014. Ooops. That was bad, very bad, but end the end I got lucky or just was good enough to escape catastrophe. 

Setting myself up really well eh? Pulled into the area, Derek was in front of me so I parked next to him. Up top near Jay and Eiric and Johnny M and the rest of the old dudes who got there just a little later than everyone else. 

Of course I'm running the singlespeed with effective file treads and small side knobs. Kind of sort of the worst combo. Files were great tehre, but only if they had big side knobs for gripping on the grass, I was loose in most corners and was going slower than most, any faster and I would have been down. It looked slow but I've gotten better at finding the limit. WHICH IS WHY I WANT DIFFERENT TIRES BUT CAN'T FIND THE PERFECT ONES. Got a lap in, the woods stuff was fun. Liked the log jump, I had to run a handful of the short steep stuff every lap. One of those, I COULD ride it but it took way more energy to do that than to get off and run, and running was faster. 

Got there plenty early though. Did my thing. Ate my food. Got another lap or so on the course. Got on the trainer before the race for about 20-30 minutes, got a few efforts in on it, got nice and steadily warmed up, lined up. Raced. Was absolutely DFL going into the barriers (that whole shifting thing). Rode my way through people, then the 60+ started riding through me. I got slower on Lap 4 than I'd have liked and was sure I was about to get lapped, was fucking shocked and amazed when I finished with one ride (60+) between me and Adam, I wasn't even the last person on the lead lap. I was in the 50+ but I wasn't last. How the fuck I stayed on the lead lap with the tire and the gear penalty I don't know. Legs really didn't feel as good as they had, felt low and like something was missing, but the heart stayed high didn't fade even as my time did. 

But lead fucking lap with Adam racing hard for the win? That is just fucking crazy.

I hung out after for a bit. bought some Pho (it was good) left the cameras in the car. Didn't even take a cellphone photo. Chatted with a few folks. Watched racing... headed out...  declined the repeated invite to the Navigation Brewery after party, I'm fine with people drinking and hanging out most of the time, but I was tired, and wanted to get home before it was dark.

And I did. Barely. Unloaded the car, grabbed the cooler and drove to the farm (those 8 miles mentioned above) to get the 30.8# turkey that I broke down last night. It takes a long time to do it right, for somoene as out of practice as I am. But it came out okay and I'm looking forward to some fresh turkey.

Racing Secret Squirrel next (sunday), in the actual singlespeed race. I thought about signing up for two races but fuck that I don't think I have the energy to do two, and one race with one gear on that course is enough.  The question is do I take photos or do I just race?

Haven't signed up for Ice Weasels yet but I guess I probably will. But need to get through this weekend first. 

This weekend. It is fucking Wednesday. But finally a Wednesday that feels like a Friday that is pretty much actually a Friday.

Finally.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

Once a week - what is this AHTBM?

 That and not even any good content!

Here's a photo from yesterday morning for ya.

Ain't goin up on IG because format is not square enough.

What's the plan?

 Plan is to race. First thing in the morning. Ish.

Yes, I'm going to be the idiot with a singlespeed in an age group race. Because, while yes, being able to change gears and have a choice is good. The difference between having a 44x20 and a 44x11-25 is kind of immaterial. If i put the cogs on there and shift I'll be in the 20-25 most of the time anyway. And as Solobreak says: You can only go as fast as your easiest gear.

And it is a lot of work to switch it over and I'm not sure I'm smart enough to use all the gears.

Now If I was a smart guy I would have purchased a 12-30 cassette (largest the rear der can handle) and installed that. BUT NO. I bought a whole new road bike instead.

It is going to be stupid early tomorrow. Lots of driving in the dark in the morning. 

Will be packing cameras for after my race. I am going to try and do the whole warm up on the course thing because, well... there are no races before our race (that I can see on the calendar but I'm also not super smart and might have missed something crucial... okay just doubled checked and I see nothing before) so I figure I'll warm up with 100 other old dudes on the course before our race. Lets see how that goes. Warm up is important. I feel okay about the short openers today. Rode hard this morning (stopped for photos obvs) then went to ship street and back mid-day to stretch legs on the bike. Going to head home soon to get the last sunset ride in before the time change.

Will I make it over the flyover with the 44x20? DUNNO but we'll find out. And yeah I'm running essentially file treads. It is what it is. At least they aren't too heavy.

So much shit going on though. need a full catch up time. Maybe can fit that in next week. or sunday if I can't move.

Time to pack up and catch the sunset.

Then figure out what to make for dinner, and then pack everything, load most of it in the car so I can just get up, make a fresh pot of coffee and head out on the road. Will need to figure out breakfast. Hmmmm.

Anyway. I'll get better about circling back here and being more regular. Posting photos on masto and blsky has been fun and distracting and a cool experiment.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

Heddwch
G 

one day i'll learn

Signed up for TreehouseCX. 

It is far. I'm way out of shape, It has been a long three months but last few dirty smackdowns have been feeling better, my timing is still off but the turning feels more natural again.

Gonna be a long early day but I saw so few people at Really Rad that I hope to hang out a bit after racing and at least see some more people that I haven't seen in a while.

Also means renewing my USAC license. 

done

Guess I'd better put gears on the bike tomorrow so I can commute in on it and do a few openers Friday. Shit. gotta put tires on the race wheels too.

Fuck what was I thinking? Oops. 

It'll be fine. Right?

back to microblogging

 Or should I say I landed at one of the alternates to the OG, the one that kind of killed the blogosphere on the first round.

But I've also been going pretty much flat out during normal writing times. Which means I've been going flat out pretty much once I wake up... well after finishing the morning puzzles and drinking coffee. Once that's done. Flat out. Or if not flat out not sitting down long enough when I'm not eating.

The scope is moved out. Got in super early, almost not early enough to get everything out of here, but just in time.

Only the big high tension tank full of 5-10 gallons of Shell transformer oil (at least it is the stuff w/o PCBs) and the rotary pump and a big cable with oil on the ends of it.

Crazy that it is gone. All gone. 40 years of continuous use at Brown. Pretty remarkable. Also kind of embarassing it didn't get upgraded in the 90s or the 00s or at all. Had a few offers of newer systems in the last couple years but missed out on one, and the others happened after the grant writing for the one coming in next was started. No point dishing out $20-30k for a system that would have been in place for a short while as long as the new one still worked.

Yesterday was the HOCR (head of the charles regatta) and the 3rd? year L's raced there. Maybe 4th but I think only 3. Was a bit different, no sculling, no super support level stuff, no being the ones making sure she's there on time, eating enough. We just showed up. After the Harvard stadium lot was full. Parked a mile or two away, still paid the $30. maybe next year we look at other options or plan on getting there earlier. Arriving at stupid early o clock makes everything easy. Waking up without an alarm and taking it easy getting there does not. Like my friend MK says, "you are always trading one stress for another"

Saw L when the bus dropped them off (they changed it up this year, bused them up for Friday rig and practice and back home, then back again on Sunday, and back home for those that didn't stay in town to party). Got some photos of the rigging of the boat. Then wandered off for a few hours while they did the whole team thing. I was told it was a non-contact day. But at some point after we'd found a good place to stand and watch on the shore just north of the Elliot bridge, L asked if we wanted to hang out. But didn't ask me. I only found out a little bit later. And yeah, I would have liked to but by that time it was late. 

Yale launched almost last for the Champ 8 race. They had two boats. the 1V and the JV (2V) but I guess it wasn't the true 2V because the coach took some of the faster women out of the boat because they were eligible for the club 8 on Saturday (L wasn't eligible, i guess maybe for first time at HOCR only?) That made for lots of line up juggling and finally the 2V was faster than the Club 8 but barely. L went from solidly in the 6 seat all the time to 2 seat when line ups were published, to a final change on Friday into the 4 seat. When the 1V went by I thought it was L in the 4 seat, no but nearly a twin. And she didn't stand out as tall in the group of the 1V and 2V rowers. Sort of like me walking around in the crowd. The one place I don't feel tall. Was fucking impossible to pick out E, even if she was wearing a red bucket hat. Just too short around everyone else. But I was told my Mountain Liquor hat made it really easy to see where I was. Mission Accomplished. (It is blaze orange and also says Saguache, CO below the store name, and the motherfucking hat fits unlike everything else anyone around here has in stock from NBX to Built by the guy who moved to AZ).

Took a lot of photos, not enough of the kid, or their boat, but some, and a few other just cool rowing shots. Def looking hard at the 55-300 pentax lens. Yeah maybe i need the 150-450 one but I can probably afford the 300zoom, the 450 is pushing $2k. And that's too much for my casual self. Unless I get a color camera back and shoot more sports both in mono and color, but for now. Heck do I even need it? I dunno. Who knows. What is need. 

Need now: is to have time to sit down and plow through the photos from yesterday in Lightroom. 

Saw them go by, saw them dock (they were cold). Oh and yeah just before their race, or during it, it started getting cold. Sun was clouded and the wind had a bite to it. I had wanted to wear my showers pass wool base layer that I REALLY like, under my Yale Women's Crew supported long sleeve tech shirt, but couldn't find it anywhere. Like, what the fuck happened to it. It disappeared? or something. Vanished. Not anywhere. I think L might have taken it or it was inadvertently packed with her stuff? Dunno but I need to find it before the weather gets really cold. Or order a new one. Guess I should just get another one since I like it so much. Having two isn't the worst thing, assuming I find it. So yeah I was under-dressed. Threw a jacket in the car but it was miles away. 

Once they docked went back towards the area, they de-rigged after throwing on hoodies and clothes, then headed to medal ceremony, more of just a photo-op on the stage (results not quite official yet) some rumor of the 2V getting a JV medal for 3rd (they were awarded medals and a trophy but were on the bus headed back to New Haven before they were ready). Gave L a big hug before she raced back to the team area to get her per diem card to buy food before the bus was scheduled to leave. 

And left.

Made the looooong walk back to the car. At least this year the long walk back wasn't also with L who could barely walk, much less walk that far. My foot was fucked up. My hand that held the camera for the whole fucking day (literally), was a bit cold an stiff, took much of the whole car ride home before it warmed up. Then while prep'n to cook dinner I realized my foot was not happy, super painful, and yeah, probably a stress fracture. esp since it still hurts. But it is better. It took standing on it all day and 10k steps to get there. So that's an improvement. 

But, end of the day felt kind of depressed and hollow and missing L. She's doing great, in a fabulous program, tons of support, school is a lot of work but manageable. And the team basically won. Club 8 finished 1st, Champ 8 1st, Champ 8 JV 3rd. Hard to identify what precisely is the source, but maybe I have an idea but maybe not, maybe it is just me being me. I don't know. 

Got up stupid early though. Slept like shit thursday night before Ben came to take the TEM offline. Slept super poorly last night (at least it felt like it - but watch says I slept and man did I ever dream) woke up two times in the night, then woke up before the alarm (5:30 then dozed till 5:50)), got here in time to see everything hauled off, and basically destroyed in the process. We had taken it apart, they mangled the fuck out of the rest of the shit hauling it out (from the looks of it outside when I got here).

Still a full busy day. I left the house before sunrise this morning. With luck I'll be able to leave before sunset. But the way things are going? I'll probably be riding home in the dark. Which reminds me, I'd better plug in the lights now just in case.

Next week is Really Rad CX. I'm NOT racing. But I think I'm going to go out, bring the camera, take some photos and see people. Maybe get a hug or two. I'm going to bring the MTB and ride the Otis trails first. Might as well, eh? The trails are different and the weather is looking good and even if I'm alone it'll be a good change of pace. 

Oh shit - just remembered, gotta get started scanning the last of the Rollei RPX400 film from the Leica CL. Well... the list of stuff coming up here in a few minutes is long.

Need coffee, need to move.

been a nice break and missed having a chance to talk to myself and review shit in my head aka throw words up here on the weblog. Thanks you handful few people who still check in. 

heddwch
G

GIMME 30 MIN

 PLEASE.

But maybe I'll take these few here and get it out of my head.

Got the Toureg tires on the 19mm rims. Much better setting up than the Toros, but still not simple. The Backer rod did indeed suck up most of the sealant. But there was still some left, maybe enough to seal a small puncture.

I think the Toureg tires (40s) are better on the 19mm than the 25mm ID rims. Rounder and not flatter is better with that tread patter and casing shape. They look like they are happy and ride much better like this.

legs def felt pretty sore from the weekend. In a good way. Not sure I'll be recovered for dirty smackdown but fuck it lets see how it goes.

Reading this: https://resultsboy.medium.com/how-to-build-a-good-cyclocross-course-41b6fc1b2b6d got me kind of itching for CX. But also sad that so many good CX courses are gone. 

Midnight ride had way too many graph paper turns. Also pretty much every turn was one line choice. Slow entrance to barriers... left right left right left right. All the stuff there but also I was so shit at pedaling it didn't matter for me. But you could see it in the racing of others.

Thinking back to courses I did well on, they were like Colin describes. And thinking about Hartford. Did it work for the top 20 in the Elites? Yeah, maybe. But not really. 

Got me thinking about how lucky I've been to race some of the best North American courses. Plymouth south wasn't the best spectator course but damn was it fun and I usually did okay there. 

Okay, now I want to race CX but also now I'm gonna be even more critical, need to have the right category AND the right course.

And I need to get more training in my legs and some speed and and and and and

Oh and shit I gotta get back to work...

heddwch
G

feeling deeply introspective RN

Like full on fuck I need to write in a way I haven't in a long time.

But here I am on the phone, can barely read the fucking tiny words I'm swiping.

Watching a show is hitting me hard in many ways. Not being at CX races is amplifying it.

Can't mention the show until I've gotten through it. No spoilers.

But it's getting to me. In an unexpected way. Part of our is think about my own life, the experiences I've had. Things I've done. 

There's a lot of shit that is completely and totally different from everyone else. Singer stuff that everyone has done I've not.

Was thinking about the generation, the one that grew up with AIDS, with plenty of sex Ed but no discussion of consent, deep divisions and pressure to fit in with little room for individuality. Plenty of people found it and made it work. But, from my observations, they fit in well, but maybe just didn't care. Anyway. It also could just be me that's messed up and everyone else is fine.

Thinking about cyclocross a lot. Lamenting not having a team. The solo identity that I have, the guy in the jumpsuit, doesn't work anymore. Too long not around. The days of being the first to arrive and the last to leave, building courses for two days, doing lots of social media promoting, just making CX my life, are in the past.

They are memories, they aren't for naught, they aren't wasted. But they just don't seem to be the right here, right now.

It's tough.

Like last weekend. It was good, but it wasn't easy.

New scope is making shit insanely complicated and busy and stressful, and for what and for what. 

The woods were awesome today. Not fast but a good stay rhythm.

But I do miss the cyclocross family.

I also need to go the fuck to sleep...

Heddwch 

G

I really needed this

 A chance to get even busier than I would normally be.

It is also a good realization that I'm not well suited for managing. or I just give too much of a shit to manage people because I take it too seriously and worry about making sure I'm giving enough direction and enough tasks but w/o being too hands off or something.. but when they are new it takes time, esp in this line of work, to get to speed on the overwhelming amount of very specific and techincal shit.

But hey - it'll be good. If exhausting at the moment.

Saw this. I guess they have hydraulic gyros now... pretty cool

CX? maybe soon, weather sucks today and tomorrow. I'd hoped to get out on the JP55, maybe it'll still happen and maybe I should go ride in the rain. But Sunday is looking good and it is time to get out on the singlespeed. Getting soft riding the shifty squishy bike.

And the new microblogging site has sucked some of the creative outlet from here. If you want a bluesky invite code lemme know. Can hook a few people up now.

Okay back to working with the new kid (needed coffee) (watched the video this morning, just sharing now).

heddwch

G

Hit hard the other day

 Yesterday precisely. Went to check on Rochester results, and of course i went to crossreults first.

And then noticed that sometime between when I last checked and then that Midnight ride's results were posted. I'd been checking and checking so I could upload the Flickr Album link, but then gave up looking and forgot about it. 

And then I looked at the points I picked up there. Oof. Yeah it isn't pretty. Certainly is what I deserved for absolutely doing everything wrong. My head wasn't there for many reasons, one of which recently hit harder. Talking with Joy about her step-dad and seeing her IG post this morning saying he'd passed. And she didn't have the chance to go say goodbye in person. 

Thoughts of being gone have crept up more and more. I need to be better at working at "not my problem" but i also struggle with not wanting to be more of a problem. Anyway, it hit pretty close to home in a lot of ways. This, with her loss, then I finished reading book two and saw the little inscription and well fuck that caused me to lose it even more. Well. Life. It is what we've got. Also, BTW, I picture CFox as the lead character in those books. Not sure why but somehow he's the person I'm putting into that story.

David V mentioned I look like I've got my shit together. Then I realized people say I look good racing. It bugs me because I don't feel good. But that's been consistent. maybe I look good but man do I suck lately. It is tough. Esp since I'm not doing everything I can to be as fast as I could be. But I'm also not doing all that because I've made other choices and have to remind myself about them. Sure I have been creating art in some people's eyes, taking photos. I commute to work most everyday, I cook food I have worked hard to raise my kids, I really try not to be an asshole but fail so miserably when I do fail... But somehow people have said I look good, or it looks like it is good. 

Looks are deceiving. I've been on stage enough, I've had to work hard to act a part of  being normal, have been forced to hide my true self for a long time, so long that I'm good at not showing the fuck up I am. 

My back is currently fucked, couple reasons but the lack of hitting the trails on the singlespeed have made it worse, getting the double vax and getting wrecked by it and not sleeping normally with two painful shoulders was the other. But the MTB usually fixes this exact issue.

I took an aleve last night and it's mostly not hurting today. Kind of.

Watched this over lunch.
https://youtu.be/Gxr0f7PRj0g?si=2jVfw8J5zIxy98ZD

Big production value but also important shit. 

Chatted with Marc T at the end of the commute. Caught him, which was weird. Esp me riding the Singlespeed Surly. 

He made the point that none of the mid-pack or slower guys keep racing. Only the top, the pointy end does. Looking at the lead lap of the 50+ race in CX... I dunno, not sure I can even come close to not getting lapped. would be lucky not to get lapped twice. But then, what else should I expect?

I haven't trained for CX, I've barely ridden. I bought a new road bike and have really only done a TT, a long ride and a handful of smackdowns.

And the crank on the CX bike and the Road bike are both under the recall and if they start delaminating.debonding there's no replacement, we all know what happens when I run 177.5 cranks. It doesn't work for me. Why? No one can tell me. Few even can wrap their head around it enough to hazard a guess. 

I just don't know what anymore, what to do, obviously still haven't found the CX Mojo, or a muse.

Foot's still feeling less than 100% so I didn't go for a walk in the rain with the camera, maybe the ride home will present a scene worthy of exposing a few frames of film.

I just don't know. Do I hire a coach? Have someone write a plan? we've gone through this before. I know what needs to be done, and given that I don't have a power meter or a functioning trainer (fine I have the ancient cyclops but that's not great), i might as well just write myself a plan, it'll be as effective. or what? fuck it just ride bikes. 

dunno

really... dunno...

But hey AMOR FATI MOTHERFUCKERS

the show must go on, and I must prepare myself for a ride home in the rain.

heddwch
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Smackdown

 Well, it went better than the race did. I ate food. I was able to pedal hard.

But then I looked at the Hillside times, and they are way slower than my fastest (in 2013 obvs) but I'm also 35# heavier now than I was then. And 10 years older. Makes sense I'm slower up the hills. 

It felt good and I made myself work. But I also ate much better through out the day, had a more effective warm up [thank i did on sunday.]

Took a little longer photo walk over lunch today. A little too far though. Pissed because I want to get down by the river, great street photo ops, people stuff, buildings, lighting, water, but it is a little too far for the foot. 

It isn't bad but it went from not being noticeable to oh, right. 

It is definitely getting better, but it ain't better yet and I'm guessing the walks aren't helping the healing.

AND i chatted with Harris on the way to Smackdown, we might be bringing back the Haines Park CXy time.

I should change and ride home. Been here late too much lately. But then I've been getting here late some days. Hopefully it all washes out in the end.

heddwch

G

That was predictable

 My race was terrible. I started off kind of slow, then got slower and slower. Just couldn't stay with people that I should have been able to stay with. Legs wouldn't go hard enough to get the heart rate up where it should be. Def felt leg limited not lung limited. So i guess that's something.
Also I think I was turning like a MTB'r, def not like a roadie but maybe I need to be more roadie turny, but it wasn't working whatever it was.
I put 27PSI in the tires, was fine in the front, but I was hitting rocks a dozen times a lap, and that was kind of unsettling and it didn't feel secure on the turns, not like floppy but like this shit ain't gonna hold sketch.

I did get to the race a bit early for my race. And I didn't pack a lunch. BUT i did buy two boxes of donuts at Bolton orchard. Ate 5 donuts between when I got there and my race. So should have been plenty of calories. Got there, got the number, hung out a bit, took a photo or two, then quickly got on the course for two laps before the 3/4, 40+ race. Then grabbed camera and took photos of that race. Then took photos of the Elite women's race. Then put camera away, pinned number on and planned to warm up. In the parking lot I saw JF and chatted for a while, instead of pedaling. Then pedaled, saw DV, chatted, then pedaled some more then raced. It was TERRIBLE. i was at least. COULD NOT KEEP UP. 

Shocking.

Best part of the day were the photos. Dumped em all here:

Look or not. I might be more excited about photographing the next race than racing it.

well i went and did it

 Signed up for a CX race on Sunday.

We'll see what happens. Mostly going because it is an excuse to go to Bolton Orchards before the race to get apples and some donuts.

Maybe I'll get lucky enough to snag a few warm packs.

Plan to get there early enough to play around taking photos, film and digital.

Will throw a low consequence roll in the Pentax, push the ISO up a step or two for speed (ACTION) and see what happens.

Just have to figure out what's going on tomorrow. Storm coming through, do I go to the shop? do I stay home? Grocery shopping? Probably no road ride given the conditions (windy).

I did get the Crockett all cleaned up this morning. It looks pretty good. 

Got the SECOND new to me Wahoo hooked up and a new speed sensor on the wheel of the crockett for CX racing (gps is bad in the woods, also is bad with CX course mileage).

Foot saga needs full documentation but I'm not even sure I fully know what the fuck is going on.

Other than I have Lymes and am on 3weeks of Doxy and trying to take even two pills a day is a pain, did I take them? I don't remember. Also because they are slightly off of the timing I take the adaptogen in the morning and the VitD and MagG at night (oh and now Iron because my levels are low - mostly also because my red blood markers suck and maybe this will help).

Dealing with all kinds of new and expensive things. Boats? Yeah might be boat owners. Nothing fancy just a single scull, but it is still 26' long and I ain't got anywhere inside to put anything that long. Storm coming? Where the fuck is that thing gonna go? Not my boat but might be my problem.

Colorado trip coming up soon. Taking more photos, getting used to the little lens, about ready to switch to the big one.

Wearing the watch this much seems to have aggravated my skin a little, but hey - i'm on Doxy and it kills the fuck out of anything... that the Keflex i was on didn't. Still, better either get a different band or maybe not wear it all the time. I like the sleep data, and the rest of the data, kind of fun. Maybe I should have added power to the Madone.

Smackdown actually felt pretty good on Tuesday. Hence me registering. Also because the race is at Lancaster and it is pretty damn flat and soft (assuming I don't have to run on pavement - and if I mechanical i'll probably just pull the plug vs trying to run to the pits. Not that I'll have anything in there. 

I should really go back and fill in the blanks since the last post and the blanks before that one.

We'll see. Time is less available than usual.

Or when I have time I'm too fried to write, or just editing photos is all i can do.

More later, hopefully

heddwch
G

It didn't rain

 Smackdown was dry, at least it wasn't precipitating. But it was so hot and humid that we were all just as wet at the end of the ride yesterday as we were last week.

It was a legit B ride. Could have been faster but was a nice sized group and still fast and hard but possible not impossible. 

Foot seems to be improving slowly. We'll see what the doc says tomorrow. 

Somehow got on this documentary. There's a close captions for the irish language spoken in it. Dennis Cahill had an important influence on my appreciation and perspective of traditional Irish music esp mostly because he was inseparable from Martin Hayes. 

And Martin's fiddle playing was key. He taught my sister a bit of how to play the irish fiddle, and just his style influenced me. and my incredibly infrequent playing. 

Funny thing, this morning I was riding in and heard someone trying to sing scales for practice in the neighborhood... and then somehow that triggered all the years of that for me and i found my key and sang a few scales... while riding.

It is an amazing documentary, the music is fucking amazing. so, fucking good.

But then there was an undeniable chemistry between those two musicians...

will circle back maybe... lot going on... busy...

heddwch

G

It is a tuesday pretending to be a monday

 A pile of stuff to unload, but of course I'm time crunched and right up against it.

So I'll put this here, maybe get back to this a bit later.

or not

we'll see

That and I often wonder if the few people I've shared this with over the last year or so have kept checking in or gone the way of most of the rest of the blog readers? If feels like the audience is about the same size as the bloggers, tiny.

And I'm okay with that. Just curious.

heddwch

G

AND TO TOP IT OFF

 I realized this morning that unless this foot heals up super quickly...

CX is not going to happen.

AGAIN. or at least not till late in the season. 

Riding is better than walking but riding is different than the impact of cyclocross stairs/dismount/barriers stuff. 

Riding isn't perfect for it, but the CX-7 shoes are way better than the CX-3 shoes. Not sure why, shape or stiffness or something. 

So yeah. Just fucking awesome.

I know I don't advertise that yesterday was my birthday much/at all. But what was noticeable was the complete lack of recall from a few people with birthdays on the same day that I always reach out to say HBD to but didn't this year to see if anyone remembered. Of course they didn't. 

Handful of other friends that have been about as reliable and welcome with wishes over the years, and usually a bright spot in the day... didn't, probably for lots of good reasons, middle of the week, so much going on. I'm used to it. But was kind of curious how distinctly absent it all was this year.

Whatever.

That day is behind and I can move on until next year when the same thing will happen and i'll be depressed for a week leading up to it and probably fighting a completely new and novel acute turned chronic injury that will make year 4 in a row of stupid shit keeping from stuff.

Gonna go sort out a few things, check progress on others, the grab some ice and water and soak my foot for a bit.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

G

Test of Time

 

Words to the song:

Celebrate another trip around the sun

Maybe you are feeling it

Naked to the waste with the paper

More time I am just searching

All waking day I've been up to nothing

But I snore like I have been working

Really fussy with food and never complain

Do any drug any stranger gives me

Music from the past

The eagle fans out west to climb

Beauty doesn't last

Evil stands the test of time

Around that energy every night

Don't smoke food get second hand high

Come from the center of this little island

Come from the memory of love lives

Come from the empire where the sun never dies

I come from the empire where the blood never dries

Celebrate another trip around the sun

Maybe you are feeling it

Sun is the colour of the palour of love

Or am I deeping too much?

Mixed up and discussed with a knife and fork

Mixed up in discussions of a life that's forked

Witness as that 60 quid dress turns into 60K in child support

My head has so many tabs open

Lines of inquiry that ended somewhere

But life keeps reminding you like adverts embedded

In the other thing your killing time doing

Celebrate another trip around the sun

Maybe you are feeling it

Naked to the waste with the paper

More time I'm just searching

All waking day I've been up to nothing

But I snore like I have been working

Right this is in me, this full kicking juice

Mike Skinner singing the mule skinner blues

Nothing but cry from the bottom of the bottle

Don't wolf whistle me, please!

I've put on the my cleanest dirty trainers

Like Kris Kristofferson's me

I come from the center of this little island

I come from the memory of love lives

I come from the empire where the sun never died

I come from the empire where the blood never dried

Celebrate another trip around the sun

Maybe you are feeling it

You want to be shaking in the car

Or floodlit in the spot

Do you want to be hated for what you are

Or loved for what you're not

Celebrate another trip around the sun

Maybe you are feeling it now that it's done

Take it to the future, make it into new times

And don't ask for signs and then ignore the signs

Music from the past

The eagle fans out west to climb

Beauty doesn't last

Evil stands the test of time

Celebrate another trip around the sun

Maybe you are feeling it

Celebrate another trip around the sun

Maybe you are feeling it

So here I am. Today.

No ride.

Shitty weather.

Woke up way too early. Tried to fall asleep but had a dream that bugged me awake. Fucking watch tells me how it is. Very little deep sleep. Tied to Tuesday night smackdown?
Perhaps.

Tuesday night was supposed to be dry.

It wasn't.

Myette showed up. Small group of people showed up. Basically an A ride. Pretty steady and good. I hung on until part way up Pine of course. Started getting gapped and then totally gapped. Frenchie sat up, he says he couldn't keep it up, too fat, maybe, or maybe he looked back and saw me gapped and sat up to ride with me. We eventually picked up JasonP and the three of us did a full on team time trial. Really really hard ride, on the limit. I pulled a bit too hard at one point and they both eased off so I could get back on. Hillside sucked but I made it up and we all rolled back together.

Not too far off the super fast guys pace. But we worked really hard and it was good.

Even if it was wet.

Had a good chat with Matt before and after, also with Christian after. Finally rode home in the dark. Ate a salad. Finished a bag of chips. Went to bed.

Dark cloud hanging over my head and the skies.

Caught some of the fog on the way in, check the IG for the photos. Shot a few frames with the film.

Edited and shared, check the slicking job running and it actually looks fucking good. I hope there's some of the stuff we're looking for in the data.

Not super motivated. Surprise surprise. 

we'll see how the rest of the day goes. 

trying to stay busy to keep from thinking

but ya know

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch
G

of fucking course

Weather looked shitty.

Said fuck it and started a much delayed and needed project that requires two consecutive days at work. Why take a vacation day if I'm not riding all day.

Get the job started. Look at the weather. 

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Like for real?

What's the fucking point. Fuck.

And off course it was a little wet riding home to swap bikes for Smackdown. 

GUESS THE MADONE IS GOING TO GET DIRTY ALL OVER AGAIN. DAYS WITHOUT RIDING IN THE RAIN BACK TO ZERO 

le sigh

G