when thoughts keep ya awake...

I can't sleep, tried... one of those nights ya just wind up more awake every second...

And thoughts - pouring in...

Thoughts like "I remember growing up playing with the chamber orchestra at old folks and convalescent homes in the seattle area... I remember kids boasting that their dads were investing heavily and building more 'retirement' homes cause that is where the cash was, easy money, cheap investment... and all that before the Say Anything movie..."

Kinda didn't hit me till just now the irony of that related twist in the movie... and yeah that wasn't the only area in the country where greedy 'businessmen' fleeced old folks of their hard earned cash...

lead to actually lead into the thought process that really woke me up... life is like a big Plinko game.

but things fall into place and stay there. when they are there, it feels right, you know its right. I generally feel that i got where i am on my own, not with out help or support, but i am me because of me, and in spite of me. Thing fall in place, wife, bikes, career... working in michigan knowing that the job was right, but the place was not... the current location/place feels right... the house in michigan, never really felt like 'our' house... in new england, i remember distinctly having the feeling a few weeks after we moved in that 'it just feels right' the tip off to the whole plinko chip game of life was the Cross season of discovering what it was like not to have a beer or two with dinner. Discovering that you can wake up feeling like you have been drinking all night but know its not the case. Realizing that spending a whole night sleeping while dehydrated sucks as much as drinking all night the next morning. It felt right. Plinko chip in place... but... that cascade of chips raining around all the time, threatening to destabilize the chips that are fitted perfectly in place can and sometimes knock something awry. Sort of kinda how i felt last few days... at least in words and writing its how it sort of seems to me... i'm grateful for the path i've had to lead. it hasn't been the easiest. i've done many things i shouldn't have, all of them pretty much not illegal, mostly just stupid... Like an article in the post i was reading... there are the dumb-but-smart people (they were picking on Monica Lewinski for having just received an advanced degree in economics from some school in London) and smart-but-dumb people. Like Clinton, smart, but had dumb moments like the whole Lewinski 'affair' and stuff. I believe it elected NOT to address any comments towards the current president. i have my moments of dumbness. all pretty much painfully etched in my head... waiting to be presented in my emotional consciousness in a crippling way. Sometimes ya gotta do something once more - almost bart simpson with the electrified donut like... My dad's a big role model in many ways... and that's sort of what got me thinking about the drinking... he was drunk pretty much all the time, but 'us williams' have pretty high functioning levels when intoxicated, at least born out by me and my brothers not to mention our father. He quit cold turkey when my folks got divorced. And i know it wasn't easy for him... but he stuck with it... much admiration do i have for his strength (sorry - got a bit yoda there). I got thinking tho about that because of thnking about how much our youngest likes sleeping in our bed with us... how we much look and feel to them. I thought about some of the earliest memories of my dad and how big his hands used to seem when he was putting the worm on my hook, followed by the cheddar marshmellow (only the orange ones worked with the worm for the trout in Washington State it seemed - we never failed to limit out). And i thought about my littlest and how big we all must seem... Or do they know to be aware that we are all big. Is that a learned perception? Probably not.

And all that - churning through my head and I think maybe in part because my mind wasn't helped towards the numb state of sleep with a beer or a glass of wine... That was something that took time to get used to... if ya drank too much coffee late, well have a few more beers and you'll sleep just fine... the life of a bike shop mechanic in essence, we used to joke about it: wake up, drink coffee, work, drink coffee, eat lunch, work, drink coffee, ride, eat, drink till asleep and repeat... its a great lifestyle if you can get it and if ya are 25... It doesn't cut the mustard once ya hit the master's level...

So here i sit - introspecting myself to death, baring myself in a "public" manner... all without the influence of anything stronger than water... TV... that's the other problem. TV seems to keep me awake too. Watching TV here (a bit more at night cause i can ALWAYS find SOMETHING to watch) has maybe not been helpful... And there are no good reading lights in the bedroom so i can just finish reading the book about the Tancook Schooners.

I've got a notion to burry this past weeks posts back a few years... stuff em back in the archives where no lurks... back where the cobwebs hang thick from the sparse and random musings...

Back before i went to Cyclocross Nationals as a spectator... back before i clicked on Kerry's page from the Drunkcyclist link... back before i was inspired to start this whole mess that is it now... its been a great journey... meeting people and getting to know people in person has been fantastic... and the inspiration and advice that's improved my cross racing and inspired me to sign up for a race that's limited out 4 months in advance (yeah Battenkill Cat 4 is full... go figure). Cycling saved my life... and gives me a healthy purpose. I'm blessed with a wife that is supportive, kids that are flexible schedule wise and fun, and a region that makes it all possible!

peace out,
-sappy g wide awake a midnight and not quite sure what the hell to do...