writing

Words

as they flow

document the process

of thought

alone


It was an early morning with the dog. Despite a routine shutting down the house for the night, not on the early side even, Lucy decided that 5am was when i needed to wake up.  Slept okay, woke up only half dozen times through the night, despite eating a massive pile of calories yesterday and tapering the coffee early.  Part of the problem is my effort to get some rest worked early in the week.  But now, after two nights, I'm back in the hole again.  And 5 minutes before 9am, despite sucking down coffee all morning, I felt like I hit a wall.  Hard.  Boom. Tomorrow is on my mind no doubt.

The quote from the Dali this morning rang true to me.  Esp in reference to racing bikes on the road.
"Disturbing emotions not only disturb our own state of mind, they also disturb the minds of others. Self-centredness gives rise to fear and insecurity, which in turn creates distrust. This is why having an altruistic attitude brings a great sense of happiness and peace of mind."
For me racing with an altruistic attitude is easy. I'm racing for others. Like last year when I sprung Singmaster and helped him establish the winning breakaway. He didn't win, and I got lapped but it was fun, no pressure.  Going into this race this weekend I find myself thinking about me.  Self-centered.  In bike racing you have to be to win, if that's your goal.  Fear and insecurity have plagued me.  Sure, it is just bike racing, but it is everything, no?  I've always had good advice from friends.  But I've never been the recipient of good coaching, or encouragement that actually stuck and has made a memorable impression on me.  My heart rate spikes 30-40 beats just thinking about the race tomorrow.  Yeah. I'm looking forward to it.  Trying to stay relaxed, knowing it is just one, or two races.  Knowing that the results really don't amount to much in the scheme of things.  Knowing that it is a process, and just getting to the point where I can compete on any level in this sport of 'ours'  is an accomplishment in the eyes of many.

Yes, a search and quest for happiness.
^-- where the f was I going with that line.  Damn f'n distractions this morning.

so tired too.  'sokay, Uri says i should just conserve energy for tomorrow.

Got the roof rack on the rusty race wagon, picking up Derdowski in the AM, heading down to the 'Gret early to get some laps in and warm up.  Kind of forgot to change the BikeReg team identification so I guess I'll race in the CX kit after all. Our new hot shit killer design kits (done by my last Boston Coffee ride companion Deano) aren't here from Vermarc yet, and I don't feel like racing in the orange tomorrow.

Time for more coffee.  Heading to the shop after this work, to do more work. Hoping to get out of here a bit  early so I can swap out tires.  Racing on the training wheels.  32 holes. no plastic. cup and cone bearings. I hope it is windy as fuck, and cold tomorrow. Bring the adversity.  I'm ready.

ready for a nap.  except there's too much caffeine in the system now for that, and a mountain of work to get through between now and 3:30

heddwch
G