But maybe i don't ride to silence them.
I ride maybe to come to terms with them sometimes, to overthink and overthink and overthink. And less overthink and more meditate and process I guess.
Better work for overthinking is processing. It is appropriately descriptive, and less negatively saturated with stigma than overthinking is.
Processing thoughts, feelings, sometimes, and rarely to a positive end. But somethings do work well going through the neruon machine. I've gotten better and filtering stuff together, better at capturing good ideas that arise out of free form processing on the bike, on the commute.
I should really transition into writing about Last monday's ride to Boston and back. I should. But I also need to do taxes today (or at least start them). Anxeity riddled scary baggage associated with it. That said, I know, analytically that it is just sitting down with computer, a stack of numbers and punching it in, entering my credit card/bank info for refund/payment and getting it over. Simple, no? Deadline isn't until the 15th. Usually we have to get it done way early in Feb for financial aid applications, but well they moved those deadlines up to December. Thanks alot for that. Suddenly instead of the Feb deadlines I have April...
With luck the second book in the Hyperion series won't be ready to check out until the 15th (or when taxes are finished), why? because reading that is way more fun and distracting.
But it doesn't silence the demons. Doesn't deal with the anxiety. I know how to deal with it but even as distant and clinical as I can get, it doesn't actually make it easier to do.
I've also sat through my 3rd PhD defense talk in 10 days.
What is science? Stuff. What is effecitve science? Engaging an audience, captivating them and getting them to understand your stuff. Bonus points for keeping the attention of the experts in the field as well as those who don't have a clue.
Overthinking. Demons. Yup.
Does it get easier? No, not really. Because you find more and more people who are doing it all better than you. Doing what? Everything. And my brain can't function or focus on anything I do well enough to leverage it to happiness. Always focusing on failings. There has to be something redeeming about me or my life or some purpose besides just being miserable, right? Sometimes I find a glimmer of reasoning, but usually I don't.
That's why this panel (can be found in the link above) is the most difficult, real, aka woke up all my demons. So keep in mind, everytime an introvert/overthinker tries to offer advice, it is probably because the advice is coming from a good place, a place of wanting to help. Being frustrated or getting emotional and directing anger and frustrations at them for saying something kind of fucks them up. A lot. Keep in mind, if you find one of these people's comments difficult to deal with, imagine how self critical they are, imagine the constant internal dialog that none one else hears.
I guess the post wound up hitting the target and all the tangents.
Oh and I've tried running to escape them. It makes them louder. "How's the form? You look stupid running, keep your arms in line, why are you slowing down? think about the breathing? Why is it taking so long to get there? The bike is so much faster! WHY ARE YOU RUNNING? Oh man this is going to take months before it is going to be anywhere close to efficient? Is that really worth the time off the bike?"
maybe I'll start running anyway... I've started planking.
heddwch
G
PS (after ride home) need to make a correction, in addition to overthinking, i underthink too. super polarized. and then of course i overthink my underthink/immediate reactions and they become demons that follow me around too. Sometimes the underthink stuff is good, sometimes? not so much. but worse is the blackhole. Send email - no response. Should always expect responses i guess. I probably leave enough emails hanging w/o responding to deserve all the silence in return. Also.
i'm still really tired from last week.
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