momentary derailment

::slightly edited, from a much better headspace today.. but it is a good documentation of the process i suppose, poorly written and fraught with typos as all this shit is here but i'm no copy editor::

My struggles are realer than most first worlders. That's well documented here I think. Are there solutions? fixes? Yes. But most of them entail sacrifices that would compromise someone else, aka my family. Can't do that. Because while i'm a selfish asshole i'm not selfish enough to put myself in front of them.

That's me.

But I'm struggling, looking for motivation, and one thing I know I need is a few more metrics than phone based strava can provide. I'd also love to just let my old phone be phone/camera and not phone/camera/strava device. Hell last week I started the ride with full charge and made it to the shop with 1% left. It was a 40 mile ride.

My little brother sitting in Microscoft land there in seattle is a big fanboy of their heavy phones and OS "not open source no chance for virus" he doesn't like the andriod stuff or the offerings of the cult of the fruit. But then he had people who work at the big M giving him phones. Hell give me phones and I might be more favorable about it, but with those heavy ass ones? probably not much more favorable than now. But the battery life on them is probably significantly better than my old Moto RzrM.

Too much airing of contentious dirty laundry but meh, who cars, the only people I know with MS phones are from Seattle or work for Zeiss (most of them phones have 'zeiss' lenses). And correctly pointed out by the people in blue, them phones are better than the blackberry they had before.

More to MY point. I had a solution, one I (fucking stupidly) let myself get optimistic and excited about. Nope. Shot down cold. Not much of a glimmer of hope left...

It would have certainly make the Four Hills of The Apocalypse ride easier. But that window of opportunity is gone now. No chance to get one in time, and that is a big unfortunate trigger. But hey

Then again, the drive train on the black blue that I ride every f'n day is so far gone it scares me. It doesn't shift well, the chain is so worn that under load it will skip on the little chain ring. And the big ring looks as sharp and pointed as the jockey wheels on the rear der. It is bad. Like holy shit how do you ride it bad. The only thing saving my broke ass bacon is the fact that Shimano makes some quality fucking shit.

So today I'm gonna do the whole shoping trip, pick up dancers/carpool, and cook some dinner. L found a recipe/menu item she would like to have tonight out of the Feed Zone. She loves that cook book, esp the ideas, also she knows by looking at the recipe that they are pretty bland and need some extra seasoning, and she had suggestions.

One of my teammates has an equation for happiness...  right now, I can point to that as pretty much why I'm not, why I'm struggling.

But hey, if I wasn't always struggling, that would be f'n boring. Right?

I did talk to Bob from Bikeworks MA today, no TT this summer. "Maybe a MTB one" but no tremont tradditional one. It is over.

Guess I have to do what I feared and add another obligation to my shouldered load and do what I wish someone else could step up and do but since my motivations are to help me I guess I just have to do what I always do and do it myself... that GPS thing has a HRM and rear wheel pick up sensor thing, would mean I could make each commute count (keeping HR in recovery zone) and could do trainer intervals (20 min and 20/20s)...  but yeah. Summer kid care bills are kind of more important even if I am the one working the second job to try and pay for it all.

Bad head space eh? I shouldn't air anymore of my brain's challenges but I've also kind of stopped caring and also have realized anyone still reading this has heard it all before. So...  Yeah...

Running out of time, need to let go of these few minutes to myself and get back to doing everything that makes everything work.

heddwch
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