is it a bad sign

when the one thing that actually gets me excited to race is the idea of capturing the particulate on an SEM stub during the race and having a story to tell for each race, and being excited about comparing what is collected on each stub?

my commute produced the dancer...

what would a cross race discover?

Would Gloucester look different than Plymouth? First instinct was to compare G-ster to Night Weasels but I looked, wasn't full, kept thinking, then oops full. Guess I'm not driving up this year.

Plans keep changing, mostly because I've only reg'd for G-ster. Was that a mistake? At this rate it might be my first "official" CX race. Not a bad thing.

A great thing.

but then again everyone else has either already started racing or will start this weekend. Hartford is stacked, Quad is stacked.

I'm working tomorrow and going to my daughter's soccer game and having some family time on Sunday.

I will say i'm enjoying my two year deal on USAC racing license. $75 for two years was a deal.. Esp compared to this year. And man maybe the price hike alone is enough to keep me from racing it this year.

Also struggling with the personal hype machine. I love the fuck out of CX, but right now...  kind of tired of being the last stand in the 2nd violins. Yes, i'm here with the best, but i'm in the back. Slowest of the fast guys. Smoothest of the slow? maybe not...  Dan Coady won that title when he 'retired'.

Other side? no friends are hyped on it...  no one i talk to, directly, really give a shit about CX.

Don't get me wrong it is me and i want nothing else than to reclaim that speed i found in 2013. But this year? ain't fucking gonna happen. Never happen again most likely. Last year took too much out of me maybe.

half of me is saying fuck it - who cares, you suck, you can't even finish on the lead lap at nationals, what the fuck are you doing even thinking you should be racing?

bigger problem is, i can't rationally find arguments against that...  maybe i hang it up and just get fat. Fuck it.

but then the art side - the scientific exploration documentation in my way counter balances it...

scales are not steady at the moment...

balance is precipitous.

where do i go from here...

not sure...

keep wanting to take the long way to work, or the long way home but something totally screws with that idea, May was blissful in that regard, September sucks.

life goes on...

i'll keep instagraming it

and strava'n it

and being a mopey sad loser, with punctuated moments...

the contact/social vacuum i'm in kind of does what a vacuum does...  sucks everything up...  in a bad way...  if it sucked it up in a good way i'd probably be super stoked on everything.

you'd think as long as my legs are i'd never even notice the hurdles...  45 years of them? fuck that shit...

but hey - i hear short people have it even worse, except that's what they say, and they've never tried being me so when they say it? just makes it worse because they demonstrably have no clue.

i'll shut up now....

dinner's ready...  has been but now that everyone else has theirs i'm gonna serve myself.

heddwch
G