odd realization (somewhere in the jumble of text)

spent the day building bikes. Yeah, working 2nd job, because obviously i'm not smart enough or capable enough to find one job that pays me enough to support those who depend on me. But then I'm kind of doing a 3rd job that doesn't pay anything at all. Also trying to be the one who cooks and shops for everyone. But then of course i could probably go off and get another 1st job that pays enough, but then I'd lose the schedule flexibility, i'd lose the bike commute, I'd lose part of me that is me and I have to remind myself this all the time. One of the sales guys I work with in the industry said, you just trade one stress for another. Gone is the money stress, but welcome to the world of time stress, pressure, deadlines, global travel, driving and all that.

Perspective eh? Besides I really actually like doing all the shit i'm doing. Even if it seems like I'm struggling. maybe there's a subliminal message in there, obviously not everything is perfect....

How's that for front loaded paragraphs....  (i wrote most of this last night, didn't post, adding to it this morning - likely you'll find the negative from last night, positive/balance from this morning)

Building bikes was good, headed in to build the pile of sold bikes but they got moved upstairs so I was stuck with the funky Rs. not the sweet Ts. S'okay, Figuring them out, plenty to build.

Problem is zen state set in and I started thinking. Not about anything current but about the past. Odd how long it takes for things to fade, or not fade at all. And how randomly things pop up in my head. I had earbuds in, listening to the Fugazi Pandora, one of the sales people came down and asked where the music was, I pointed to my ears, they said the one thing they look forward to is coming downstairs and hearing good music when I'm in the building. So I unplugged and made the space fill with music. Transitioned over to the Disturbed radio after a bit, but before transitioning I realized how much I rely on sound when tuning and building a bike. I was constantly pulling one ear out to listen, but when the music is on in the background i can both listen and get everything perfect, from wheel truing to gears to whatever. Sounds are something I key in on.

Spent a good couple of  bikes thinking about it.  But sounds and music and focus didn't dull the thought or the emotional PTSD flashback. What made it resurface? I dunno, or I do maybe but won't mention it. Obviously something I saw in 30 seconds of twitter checking, thanks for the "you may have missed it" algorithm probably.

I'm learning way too much about neuro stuff. Imprinting, shit's simple, odd how stuff is kind of built on parallels and everything stacked upon stacks, layers on layers....

Pathways, imprinting, stuff is odd. Should I really understand that much? But then I don't understand enough, but just enough, recognition and understanding but not to the level of being able to explain it in any way possible, like I can with the microscopes and any potential problem or issue or inability to grasp what they need to do. I have learned to push and explain in whatever manner it takes, sometimes repeatedly with different analogies, knowing what kind may work with the person or if not knowing at least trying different tacks until I see the unconscious light of recognition on their face and in their eyes. But I can't do that with the brain stuff, only recognize what it is doing and work to minimize and hopefully someday it will go away. Perhaps, ah who can tell.

The incidents, strange and unpredictable. Even able to slip through a social media  blackout.

BTW. Pretty fucking hard to work the hype machine when you're taking a mental health social media break. Or at least only taking enough of a hit to keep from losing it totally. RRRR is gonna need some hype help. Should be able to work a bit more into it on Friday though.

Things are pretty rough sometimes, But I have to be and generally i'm okay with the fact that I'm moving forward, one foot, one project at a time. Odd moments catch up, trip ya up. But hey, as long as you don't fall on your face, or if you do you can bounce back up quickly....  itssokay, right?

Kind of wish I wasn't able to be as observant, wish I could turn it off.

Someone fed me the blue pill... but not quite...  also no idea where or when, unless, most likely born that way, but I was unable to figure out what to do with this information, still don't know what to do, besides act conservatively/shyly, or go the other direction and totally over-react. Introverted Extrovert, extremes, nothing in the middle. One of the other....  In a world of greys I'm like a backscattered electron image of some PbSn Solder. Black or white, no mixing one of the other.... One personality flipping into the other back and forth. No wonder I'm so drawn to black and white images and photography and why i do the Electron Microscope stuff.

The odd bit is how with some people I'm able to open up when engaging one on one with a feedback loop of positivity, take that away, not the most positive feedback loop. happened while in the grocery store, someone who's able to light it up when chatting, somehow drawing out a pile of positivity from me. Need more people like that around me more frequently. But observationally I wonder, is that me or them? What creates that engagement, that positive feedback loop?  Or is it like a hug, kind of pointless alone, but takes two active people to hug?

I'm probably gonna have another coffee, head in and build some more just to pad the Friday direct deposit, was going to ride over to the shop but next week is big week, hundo and RRRR recon, I'm gonna drive, maybe pick up some of those fresh noodles from the asian store on the way home and go in to the week slightly more rested. Maybe.

Odd moment of feeling like writing more, but will refrain, save some for later...

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