words from Cruising altitude

There’s been no hiding that I’ve been struggling lately. Life’s been grinding me down.

Last year after classes finished I more than doubled my total annual mileage and then some. Only losing out to the state competition by 10 miles for the month of May. That was brutal. But I’m okay with it. This may is going to be different. Already has been. I’ve ridden my bike once this week. BIKE TO WORK WEEK! ONCE! ME?! And this is going to be the fist BTW day in PVD i’ll have missed since the first one I showed up at in 2006.

It has been wearing on me. I’m drinking a bit more than most people but still not more than people I know and never before I start cooking dinner. I should stop but it is nice, I enjoy the beer or two. Currently enjoying a Ginger Williams at 30k feet in the air.

I was reading. I loaded up the Pixel C with 8 books. At the last minute (this morning) I checked out Oliver Sack’s On the Move.  I had downloaded it as an audio book for the drive back from Asheville, but Overdrive didn’t get packet 6 out of 9 and well I stopped part way through it and listened to some trashy explicit sex book for the rest of the drive (entertaining? yeah, repeatable? nah). Got back, bought the paper version of the book, started reading…  then somehow stopped reading, stalled out in Voyages.

So today, time to go back. And man, it couldn’t be more perfect. The stories with SJ Gould, with Francis Crick, (currently there at the moment) could there be a more inspirational moment…  yes sure but it fucking clicked.

Something clicked. In a really good way. In a much needed way.

It was a fucking struggle getting here. To the plane. An hour before I left I found the air compressor dead. An hour later I think it is working. No compressor, no functionality for one scope, limited for others and three dead air tables. And I’m not going to be back in the lab until Monday.

So yeah. I’ve been struggling. But, well, shit’s not terrible. But not amazing. I’m absolutely blessed and lucky but not blissfully happy, or at peace.

The art install came down and reading the fucking amazing shit that Oliver is writing about, resonated.

I’m not a scientist.

I’m a very technically intense artist, mechanic and a teacher, that rides bikes. Self identity is important no? Yes. Own who you are, be yourself.

Back to the book, or not really.  Who inspires me? What does? Certain people. But few, nature, the view I see of things through the SEM. THAT fucking drives me.  Riding my bike. I’m not fast and the Smackdown has deteriorated into a fucking race like “Fuck your flicking elbow I’m not pulling through because if I do I can’t attack you later” (damn those words leveled a massive negative cloud on me…  so I AM NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE ASSHOLES or their coach who encourages the behavior despite being married to one of the people I admire above most --- yeah i suspect pretty much no one will get that, good)

BACK TO THE BOOK

I read the passage, and needed to write. Because like Sacks keeps talking about, the brain is amazing, crazy, complex but somehow I’m sort of figuring some shit out, brain wise for all and personally I suppose. Neuroscience man. Crazy shit. The idea of people like Gould, Crick, Sacks and everyone else, doing amazing shit is mind blowing.

One quote that started it…
“There can hardly be a greater pleasure in life than learning that an intellectual hero has enjoyed one’s own labor in return.”

Is it the same with artists? Yes. When praise is given by those you respect to no end for work you’ve done…  it is very much the same.

another quote from Gould in a letter to Sacks:
“Funny how once you get in contact with someone you want to meet for years, you begin to see things you want to discuss with him everywhere.”

Another parallel to life. It is odd, how do you deal with that connectivity? I don’t think you have to. It is there. Those who do extraordinary things (like these individuals) have more in common than not.

I’m headed to a place, an almost Mecca I guess, of the EM world. FEI’s headquarters in Hillsboro is legendary, and really the big gain will be in neural connectivity, the rest of everything is just minor small projects bit still awesome. But…  hey, the tool will enable me to do expand the artistic range of Nanoscape. And that drives me more than anything. De-installing at the med school Kris said “Let me know when you have something else.” An open ended statement but one that felt good and was genuine and encouraging, and pretty cool.

Not getting the Granoff show was a big blow, despite not being able to make it happen without the encouragement of another artist and individual of much respect.

Also, Pixel C split screen shit is FUCKING AWESOME, the keyboard is pretty close to mechanical and solid, split screen just makes it easier to transcribe from screen shots.

The last time I was flying across country the place was covered in snow. now? not so much. It was 90 when I left PVD.

The heat turned on in the house on Sunday. Now they need AC, but maybe it will be settled down when I get back, in the middle of the night, in a day or two…

I’ve been listening to lots of Frank Turner. His lyrics take over my brain. They resonate. Toughest moment was listening to the song for Josh. Monday morning i think. at the bike shop, building bikes to catch up and get ahead going into not being there, played the song. Bawled my eyes out. Miss Chris Moeckle. Really really miss him, and the song about Josh was pretty much everything I would have said, have been saying to myself.

odd how reading something, hits the trigger. odd how fast this crazy trip happened.

Words, I write, then I read, sometimes someone else does too.,,,  

Life is strange, and challenging, and man do I wonder what i’ve done…  

We’ll see when this posts, plenty more to say, reading, i guess, reading well written shit, is inspirational eh….   

A few edits but mostly just straight from the brain on the plane. Maybe I’ll write tonight, maybe I’ll read. Maybe I’ll see if i can grab a ceremonial Oly sixer for the west coast visit shit beet (i’ll drink a good one or two to make up for it)

heddwch

G