deep space, can you hear me?

drifting like major tom...

feeling at least,

i'm pretty fucking exhausted after the last couple days...

today wasn't much better, or was significantly worse...

i'm aware of my blessings, but somehow cursed with the awareness of my shortcomings and failings...  guess which carry more weight in my being?

could have been okay if first thing I heard today was "Happy Birthday" but no I heard "can you make me an omelette pocket?" yes of course...  i can and will and...  not trying to martyr but just being open and honest

maybe too honest, and maybe I shouldn't say that today would have been perfect if i'd heard the greetings sometime before i left for the retreat. Sometime before BG texted me in the late morning.

Yeah, everyone else had big things going on, first day of 7th grade and all...  and that's awesome, I def don't want to take anything away from that.

but i'm fucking exhausted and still awake (been up since 5 am it is closer to 11 pm than I would like) .

my oldest did make a wonderful dinner, with significant consultation help from me though, but i respect the fact that one must ask those who know when you don't...  it was very satisfying.

i shut down my FB wall, didn't want people posting there, granted it is usually one or two but they all know how to contact me off of FB so let them.

I got a wonderful email from TD today, helpful, and positive and good...  def was what kept the scales from tipping wildly out of balance... that and the beer at lunch perhaps...  and the sheer exhaustion preventing me from being able to even emotionally give much more than a tiny shit.

where to go?

forward, ever forward, never straight....

the next good number of days are going to be tough,

but hey, not like the last 9-20 months have been easy...  should be a piece of cake.

yeah, sorry TD, I know, I know, i'm blessed, i've been gifted the choicest of all, but the white guilt, the awareness of the success of my peer group relative to me (shit they all have fancy cars, some even have a cabin) i know i'm happy with the choices I've made, i can live with them in peace but doesn't reduce my awareness...

stupidly negative for today, so totally just hands in the air like we don't care at this point...

even the TSP gang overlooked it....

all i can be thankful for is that I'm not drinking more than a sixpack tonight, and there's two left. I'd crush them but tired, finding odd restraint. Not sure who I am anymore.

best of luck to you all...  i'm going to do what I can and keep putting one foot in front of the other, content with being ignored, 40+ yrs of experience is helpful in that regard.... life...

it is what we have and is all we've got....

peace,
but i like it in welsh so much better:
heddwch,
G