working on the last beer

in the house is probably not the best way to start a blog post,
nor is trying to read through GoT and getting to the part where Robb and his mom are killed and it seems Ary is too?

I dunno, I hate this book more than most any I've read but some how I keep reading it, maybe a cue as to how much I work to try and fit in, that's the couple beer in truth of the matter I suppose. I've always wanted to fit in, always felt excluded...

perils of the introverted extrovert or is it the extroverted introvert, who knows, mostly who cares...

it has been a productive weekend building bikes, i wish there was joy to be found in funding my soon to be shipped bike. But then yesterday instead of racing cross like everyone else I was building a couple Boone 5s and god damn those wheels SUCK (the are what ship with the Crockett I'm getting), holy shit are they heavy.....  fuck....  guess i can ride em for a year until i can afford some Bontrager nice wheels... not these things...  hell i'd build my own with some cheap chinese carbon but, nah, cost more than buying nice shit from the big T.

I'm good but a little not good.

Functional vs internal.

When was the last time I didn't drive up to Maynard to race at Quad cross? WHEN? Fuck I don't want to look at crossresults, libel to make me even more depressed....

Bikes are out of sorts anyway. No knobbies have been ridden since RdR and the RRRR and even then one got flat and the others only made it part of the ride...

CX is happening yet i'm not engaged.

A not insignificant part has seemed to recognize that I gave everything... too much? Yeah I still like it, resonates and Mikey F's comments in Pure Sweet Hell are true, to this day, but, me in the continually giving everything mode accidentally lost my mojo, did it just take a couple years to realize it? or in the years since losing it i've lost it by looking?. That last phrase is most likely true. Once i felt i needed to start looking for it, well it eluded me and has since. Makes sense. I pushed and forced and tried to make it happen,,, and drove the joy away...

my head is a mess,

i'm a mess...

am i ok? yeah i'm fine. I know I am blessed, I'm a lucky knucklehead, and that actually makes it all worse, or if not worse less easy to deal with

but i'll go to bed, won't read any more of this GoT (and to think the guy who wrote Tuff Voyaging wrote this fucking shit?) will just try and sleep and wake up, as I seem to do everyday with optimism, hope and enthusiasm...

I guess it is a good thing that I do really like the work I get paid to do...

tomorrow... new day....

heddwch
G

(yeah, I may read this after coffee in the morning and edit the fuck out of it, but i'm writing this to suggest to myself tomorrow that maybe we leave it as a placeholder to the very temporal state of mind, despite how bias it may be)

(AM note yeah i edited it a little)