Books are like?

Like the best drugs perhaps?

They take you places you wouldn't go alone, they transform you and poke at your brain and fire off amazing chemical cascades and reactions and...

and then...

even the longest ones...

end

and you're left alone

that mind altering drug is just a residue, you're left with a feeling of having lived that life if the book is well written.

Perhaps it is just me that feels like this.

I don't think so.

I hope not.

But still

I tend to accumulate stuff, i'm possessive as hell, not a good thing sometimes, but that desire goes along thoughts and emotions and catalogs behaviors, sure they are mostly just the fabric of creation from other humans who can tell a story, but then telling stories is human. No? Sharing, we're communal, and unfortunately tribal.

I had an interesting flashback of some serious PTSD last night. Cronoman shared a photo from the Waterville CX race. Holy shit what a weekend. Of course I can't tell all of what is being discussed in the FB page because Chabot is still blocking me over there. Kind of funny in a way, but in this case it doesn't change any of the emotions the flashback of the night recalled. When I go back and think about it, the drinking was always fun, but never ended up fun, if I had plunked my current sober self in there i might have actually had more fun, or maybe no fun, certainly different memories. But I guess looking back on the past is like looking back wondering why I didn't do this or that, getting old is the reward I suppose, we grow old and look back in furious anger at our ignorant younger past, trying to judge our past actions on current hard earned wisdom.

DB was talking about his mother and her return to drinking and then finally joining AA to make it stick the second time. I mentioned to him about some of the dreams that terrify me. someone hands me a beer in my dreams and I have to drink it, and I don't want to, I'm terrified, illogically but literally wake up scared that I might drink it. Rationally it doesn't make much sense, should be strong enough to just have a taste right? Not a problem. But then when I quite drinking coffee those years back, after a year I would go have a fancy espresso before a ride. And absolutely relish and delight in the pleasure of the taste and that buzz. That turned into a once a month, into a just before a hard ride on the weekend, to just before races and then to the current pot a day habit. Less than a year. So no, while yes I should be able to, I am pretty sure I shouldn't. esp if my dreams scare the crap out of me like that. I find it kind of amusing actually, I've used emotional scars more effectively than electroshock therapy. Probably a bit tied in with so many suicides in my life, capped by the celebrity suicide of Anthony B.

My brain has been off and distant lately. Reading books yeah. Finished the last of Greg Bear's War Dog series. Intense 3 book ride. Also reading/listening to Medusa Uploaded, finished book 2 of Timothy Zahn's Quadrail Series the other day. easier to escape there than deal with reality? or am I escaping to there because I'm having to deal so intently with reality when I'm engaged in it?

The TT starts tonight, weather is def not nearly as hot as forecast, but it is humid. And I'm going to go at it on the Klein Quantum Pro. No aero wheels, no aero helmet, no fancy bars, nothing. Just me, the bike, the clock and the road. Not going to go do a double today, that would be dumb. maybe next week. For now, go out, make it happen, and just focus on getting home. Perhaps figuring out how to do a lap time display and do a second 20 min interval post TT on the way home. That might be most efficient, get the two efforts in, and get home. Smackdown went better this week but they all went a bit slower and no Bikeworks guys showed up. We did have a big group of 15-17. I got dropped but caught back on, it wasn't a terrible night.

Brain dump time over - back to intensity, and soon riding bikes.

heddwch
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