it is a lot.
What happened last year on this day.
The Avett Brothers song hit the mark pretty squarely. From the socials the current prez speech wasn't terrible (no i didn't listen).
I came back in and got going and hit play as i worked through everything on the NYE concert i linked yesterday. Three words was just starting, and the ending and transition.
Listening to a concert with no fans is actually pretty amazing. I get that people LOVE to share their appreciation and start clapping and yelling and singing along and generally just being so stoked that they can't shut up...
But silence in a concert hall, a packed sold out one, is so insanely more powerful.
Happens at Magical Strings concerts esp with some of the quieter more emotional compositions. The best is when everyone is just sitting there as the last note drifts out and reverberates in the hall and the audience just sits there, silent and then erupts spontaneously. It is inexplicable if you haven't experienced it, even if you had. Bike racing/sport parallel would be having the best day on the most important competition, like waking up and being 100% recovered, perfectly fueled, and not a single miscue or bad timing or decision. Basically the best and most effortless win after not winning or coming close for forever.
Kind of like that.
But not quite.
That live performance tho, not audience they really got to play quietly, and do the quiet parts w/o interruption, like a studio recording but not quite. The moment can't be captured w/o an audience but as someone who's sat on stage their whole life, even if infrequently and not for 2 years now, that's about as close as it gets.
It really is fucking magic.
Kid was encouraging me to find a therapist and talk, you know have someone who isn't friend or family that you can tell anything. I get pretty close to everything here, and in some ways I do. it is all in code mostly. who has the description? Me and the more perceptive out there maybe. Why have I gone back to blogging when all is said and done and social media still exists? Compartmentalized Dissociation.
For me at least. There's an absolutely different element here than anywhere else. For me. And remember unlike some people who turned to blogging to work on their jokes or tell jokes of create engaging content. I just vomit words on the screen out of my brain through my fingers. Maybe it would be good for me, but I get that meditation a couple times a day most days of the week riding the bike back and forth to work. I get to work at a job I'm good at and seem to fit well in and am appreciated even if it doesn't feel like it most of the time to me, when I step back and recognize and really look, i know I am. I get to be physically active at a level most people will never be at. Sure I might get pulled with 3 to go at nationals (like I did on this day in 2016), but I'm in pretty good shape considering even if you put me in a more active population/country. And I also have an opportunity for an artistic creative outlet. The whole EM art thing. Took maybe a while to realize it, and honestly when I stop being so hard on myself I am in a good place, things are good. Not easy, and losing my dad has been really difficult and perhaps that's the work that needs to be done with help from others, but... also, working through the pain myself, i think, there's a bit more permanence when you do all the work. Maybe it takes longer and maybe you don't get to the same place on your own, and yes, maybe I'm just reluctant but on the other hand, the emotional tool kit i've organized or added over the last three and a half years has made all the difference.
So yeah anyway. I am lucky. I have a few really good friends, and many offers to really listen if i ever have to talk about something. I've taken a few up on the offer, and am comforted by the offers still out there, remembered or not, accepted and used or left empty.
Life is really fucking strange though. looking back esp of the last 10 years of my life. What a fucking roller coaster.
Yet here I am. The ride might be slowing down, coasting, but the scenery isn't bad and I'm sure there's many more surprises along the way before the ride comes to an end for me, but there's less of a terrifying feel to the ride now. The country is in peril and the world is suffering and there's some seriously heavy shit going on but I can't really control or impact any of that more than I am now, have to let it go and focus on what I can control, what I can do. I've got to work on duh, far from perfect in any stretch but it feels better than it has been. Maybe having someone else here at work, working with me finally for a change after all the years, maybe that's a key piece that's been missing.
Here's this song:
It is another Avett brothers one, topical, always.
I checked the concert listings and they are going to be in Boston this summer but they are in a show with Ringo and no, i don't want to pay for Ringo tickets or see him, i want to see only these folks. No I am not a big fan of the beetles and no i won't/haven't watched that documentary all the old people are talking about.
Eating lunch early but hey low calorie life worked to get me down to 195 at one point many years ago, i can be hungry all the time again and eating my lunch early is a good way to be hungry more of the day. Or so I'm telling myself right now.
On that note, time to watch some science stuff.
amor fati motherfuckers
Heddwch
G
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