words

 So much building up.

I did finally finish watching 'The Alpinist" fucking hell that was amazing but sad and lots of words about it but there's some really solid and important truths in that film. It was really well done and very very thought provoking. I got lucky stopping when I did, really a perfect point where I could really let the first part of the film soak in, digest and absorb without the trauma from the second half that felt definitely foreshadowed but maybe not inevitable? 

Been trying to stay present and focused. Working a little.

The other thing I realized yesterday riding home. Kind of a cool revelation. Esp in light of how fucking insane it is. Like Tuesday, took the day off (was going to write but obvs so much else to do and fuck it), instead of more coffee at 3pm I took a bit of a nap, I don't feel like I slept much but I didn't hear anyone making falafels in the kitchen and then washing the food processor so I must have. Of course, not only was it impossible to fall asleep because of the high winds blowing in a direction that made it sound like someone was blowing a whistle outside, really loudly as it resonated going through the trees in the 'hood, I really couldn't sleep well even after the wind died down. Take nap = shitty night sleep, net zero. 

Knee is feeling a bit better but my heel on the same foot is getting fucked up, not sure what's going on but probably not un-related. or the shoes I'm wearing at work are so worn/broken that they are causing a problem.

Possible.

Who knows.

Back to the realization. So yeah I've been insanely tired. Friday and Saturday thought I had covid with some of the symptoms but by Sunday after sleeping and relaxing and not being able to do anything I felt pretty good (and tested negative). So yeah - I'm going full speed, full out, mentally and then trying to hold back physically but also not do nothing and anyway. BUT i've been mentally in a better space lately. What? Weird. 

Till...

It clicked. I'm teaching the course. And it is even more awesome than I remember. It is really good, maybe just good for me but I think the last few years forced me to really articulate the course, and also me. And all the self work I've actually been able to do since June 2018 is starting to pay off. Finally eh?

Fuck.

better late than never? 

And today one of the students said welcome to double u double u three, he used the full words but I don't want to get that phrase picked up here. At some point I said or they said (probably me) the idea that we're kind of in a sanctuary and my brain connected that to monastery and I'm the microscope monk. I'm here providing instruction in something that is so disconnected from the trauma out there but at the same time allows someone to fully engage in a safe but encompassing activity. A tedious and really challenging sample prep and images you can't get anywhere else and the penalty of fucking your shit up is the loss of a few weeks of work. Not death but still pretty significant and if your samples are hard to come by then potentially you lose everything and have to start over. About as high stakes as you can get in the microscope world. It is totally unlike but also more similar than it seems to free soloing. You've got to be 100% engaged and 100% deliberate and precise. There's no margin. 

we went from cheetolini to pandemic to now this shit that's in the airwaves now.

I had to have a mental escape at lunch so I hit the 'tube:
First this (great fucking series, sub to his channel)
https://youtu.be/PEVHM3GmuZo

Then, and this was kind of the same and also one hell of a good introspective and well made film, not too deep but also not super shallow and really well produced:
https://youtu.be/j4tpgmxsPLI

Trying to prep for the snowstorm tomorrow and the closures and all the rest... and I took a break and watched this:
https://youtu.be/-eqES1RRH_Q

more superficial stuff but also some deep shit but without being too consequential. 

Was going to head home early today. But wanted to write.

Also started a book I had been waiting for... for a long time... one that I checked out because of a list of LGBTQ+ authors new releases maybe and really no research, no blurb reading...  or if i did it was so long ago my brain let me forget and so I started listening...  so much trauma, some strange but cool awesome plot weaving and then kind of like the best writing I've experience in a while, maybe too personal but I was literally in tears after listening to chapter 11 riding the bike in. So engrossed that I didn't stop playing when I got tot he end of the bike bath and I just listened to it all the way to the office and hit pause as chapter 12 started when i sat down in my office and just sat there for a long time. 

Tears, not full cry but tears because...  so good. "Light from Uncommon Starts" Ryka Aoki go buy a copy and read it, even if you don't understand the violin. But if you do you'll know the sound post on my violin is in a unique position. That didn't help things obvs, but yeah.. anyway. it is good.

I'm going to head down and maybe when i get to the bike path I'll indulge in the next chapter. Or i'll ride home in silence thinking about today, being a monk, even if the sanctuary/monastery is in the basement of a building behind some ivy covered walls.

For now I'll head home, in weather that is almost 40 degree colder (F) than my ride home last night.

heddwch
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