Tomorrow is a big day

 Marks 4 years.

Four years after finishing the handle of Polish Vodka I'd bought two days before. Woke up and saw Bourdain had committed suicide. I've never been a Bourdain fan, tried to watch his shows, just couldn't get into it, rubbed me wrong, but his essays and his writing were dramatically different, in my mind than what he seemed to be like on the TV shows. You can see elements of what i was drawn to in the writing but the rest, just didn't resonate. 

But. There was something similar that resonated. The drinking, the frustration, the compassion, the empathy, the trying, the futility. The pointlessness of living a life to help others when even that seems to backfire, or just endlessly fighting the same battle and it never seems to get better. 

Or you just finally figure everything out and have to start over completely. In your head. While carrying on as if nothing really changed. That's maybe a stretch and not totally accurate but felt like it at the time.

Starting over. Feels like I have to do that now. Not as bad as I was in January 2019. That was bad. But I know my fitness is as close to that level as it ever has been. At least I'm not waking up with crippling backpain every morning like I was in 2018. I just accepted it as normal. When it went away it was amazing. Now I'm just dealing with the knee.

Funny, I've got over 16k miles on the Black Blue, and that's not counting the miles ridden from 2009-2013. New drivetrain for it should be ready to go this weekend. Tempting to make a special trip to the bike shop just to get it but that's a lot of fuel just to pick something up. actually kind of more excited about the shoes than the drivetrain but both hopefully will be great. I got the cheap shoes because that is what was in stock. And the better ones aren't going to be in till July, and an extra pair of shoes that fit isn't the worst thing. And If I don't know, better to have an oddly fitting shoe that is half the price.

Man this was not what I planned to do with this today.

But of course it is just me. 

Reflecting on my inability to interact correctly with people sort of explains so much. Having the unfortunate ability to replay situations over and over and over again should help to avoid them but it just helps to reinforce the trauma. 

It is so much fun being me stuck in my head.

 

 if the time stamp doesn't take you there here's a lower quality audio recording of Courtney singing it:

https://youtu.be/HDYJm0wL4EY

I'm going to go home and hang out with everyone before their crazy starts.

But to circle back, I so wish I'd done what I did 4 years ago, 4 years or more before that, or 20 years... That's not a what if, it is said with sadness of the implication of relationships of wondering if I could have been a better parent for the one that's struggling more now. 

It is tough. If you don't have kids, I'm not sure you can fully grasp it. You can kind of, and you can probably guess, and there are far too many who don't get it/give a shit, but man, it is indescribably challenging for those parents who give a shit, who really do try every day. The sober didn't change me trying, and doing, but it changed and shaped the undertones and me and in the end that changes the outside too. 

life's a struggle

it is tough, never seem to do the right thing, and then sometimes you realize it is because of how much trauma you're carrying around, how much you depended on a chemically tweaked balance to exist...

fuck it I dunno but I do know i'm in a good place, it is tough, it is not great, but it is good and there's still a fuck ton of work to do...

seriously, now more than ever:
Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
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