Really solid DJ set too. And no- not sure if there are adds because i'm watching with them hidden...
But there are adds on B Kerr's youtube stuff. the Morgins Epic was amazing, like just insanely cool. so many trails, so many different lifts all pretty much all by bike.
Kid races tomorrow.
RedBull is showing the XC short track after that, DH Saturday and XCO Sunday. Toss in trying to ride, going to work, shopping, planning and the rest... where's the rest?
I'll figure it out. Bailing on the TT tonight for sure.
Made it through one resolution of tension in the book only for it to pile right on to another one. Really kind of just want to get through it, there's a fair bit to go, but also none of my other holds are in yet so I'll just try and keep muscling through the damn story.
Had a kind of obvious but striking and sad realization... sure I saw my dad pretty much drinking non-stop until I was 8 or so, but then from that point on, no matter where we were, he was always graciously declining offered alcohol. I had the blueprint for being sober around drinkers pretty solidly subconsciously ingrained. Even looking back he was cool and fine with us drinking, even to the point of insisting on buying the beer/whiskey. And at the same time was fine just with it all... miss him. And of course death is still a huge shadow over me, has been since the end of august. Not sure that's really what hitting that age milestone is supposed to be about bit I can't shake it. Just when I think I can go back to before, to live, something reminds me. It isn't easy overcoming that fear, for me. The abject futility of the life we live. What's the point?
even just writing that has caused the whole flushed panic attack gripping physiological reaction to start..
Deep breath, move on, find joy in just being able to appreciate the beauty of this planet and the small handful of humans who actually truly brought joy to me, even if many of them won't ever again.
DAMNIT.
Was NOT what i wanted to talk about... for some reason a memory from childhood came up, probably thinking about the kid in Canada racing this weekend, how I was terrified to be away from home staying somewhere different at her age when she was... like the time I was woken up at 2am and drove out to get her... No one came to get me, they couldn't. One of the times was on an island, visiting cousins, we'd been served a pretty fancy dinner, I forget what but it was fancier than I was used to, just for the kids, we ate. Went outside to ride mopeds around on property, ran out of gas in one of them and i was sent back in to ask if there was more gas somewhere. Came in and found the housekeeper the gardener and the rest of the staff eating hot dogs and something else, i forget what, the contrast between their meal and what we were served blew my mind. I had no idea, and they stared daggers at me for interrupting their time, and also said no about the gas, even though I'm pretty sure they had plenty stored somewhere. I've had lots of moments like that... I've been at the odd intersection of privilege, aware of it, benefitting only tacitly and marginally, able to see it but not use it like those fully immersed. And yes, compared to so many i was ridiculously privileged, still am, but the differences in classes, it is just insane, unfathomable.
I probably shouldn't say any of that, too personal and not about me, maybe there's enough anonymity to be okay.
It has been a weird day. Need to break out of this damn book, need to shake the funk. Riding bikes works. Maybe I can sneak in a pre-work SSMTB loop on Saturday before Dirt Church on Sunday... Riding before work is a good way to fuck with productivity, maybe after... we'll see, not sure yet.
Oh and the Dropkick Murphys released a new song... I gotta say I kind of like it, a lot.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5yrNwMWff0
maybe listening to this whole concert will swing the mood around:
https://youtu.be/glr0eJWSfTQ
one way or another i'll keep plugging along doing what i can do
heddwch
G
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