happy something

These words began as a micro blog platform thread, but then I don't really want to share that there and these sentiments aren't new here.

I struggle on the holidays, esp this one, mostly because I've still never figured out this whole culture of buying piles of stuff for others in hopes they like them. Mix it with so rarely getting a gift that brings me any joy that I attempt not to do that to others and then lock up, panic, spiral.

Only thing I've ever hoped for is that my offspring don't have this feeling and then that adds pressure, no, it's not something I've been able to figure out. Being blackout drunk was how I coped till 2018. It's been harder since obvs.

Fortunately the rest of the family is good, maybe that's enough.

All this travel to the west coast for concerts every year, cyclocross racing and never being near commercial stores (that aren't bike shops) have been confounding factors. That and no one is into the same things I've been into. 

I struggle reading minds and guessing about stuff that people need/want. I'm fairly observative but not seemingly in a way that helps me keep track of what would be a good gift. Hell I can't even tell when people are hitting on me, I have issues or to phrase it more positively those are areas that don't align with my strengths. 

We'll get through. So many people struggle with these days and everyone in their own way. Be gracious, be kind. Forgive those you can. 

Sending hugs out 

Heddwch 

G