Pushing through pain

 Is way easier when all you have to do is turn the pedals and keep going.

When one needs to deal with the pain and also be productive and work? Yeah that's not as natural. Is that because riding is a pain adjacent/creation? Maybe.

I'm broken, again. Hopefully not as broken as I was the year my father died and I lived with a constant rotation of Salon Pas patches and Aleve for a month or two. This is different but maybe not so different.

How'd I get to this point?

Well turns out, I woke up Saturday morning feeling the fallout from Thursday. You know, the whole simple machine inside the puzzle box on the basement floor? THEN following that up with a cleat issue that forced me to pedal in a very unbalanced manner?

Yeah so the left iliac crest area was a bit sore. Top and bottom, only on the left side. Things were okay, until I sat on a bench for too long in *just* the wrong angle. Didn't really notice it at the time but it felt not great but also in the moment it was what it was, I've been great for a while, durable and flexible enough that it should have been fine. BUT mixed with Thursday, it was bad. I was woken up all saturday night with bad pain at the IC. Every time I moved, i'd wake up. I'm an active mobile sleeper.

And sunday? What was sunday? 115 mile ride planned with BG and DB. Brent joined for coffee and the bike path and then my other birthday twin Mottram joined us on the route in freetown.

was it good? It was an excellent day. Did the ride make the IC pain better? Absolutely not. it wasn't good for that, probably really bad for that.

The story of the ride needs a full separate post. Maybe I can do that when I'm not in constant pain.

Made it to work on Monday. Tuesday fortunately already had a doc appointment for my shoulder and th Doc was able to sort things out, unfuck a bunch of stuff but it was so locked up for too long that it will take a good bit of time for the pain to go away.

And this shit hurts, now I know there are plenty of people who live in near constant pain and limited mobility from the pain, I recognize that this is life for some. It isn't normally for me but it reminds me that I was taking that freedom of movement and strength for granted at times. Ho  boy am I now super grateful that the normal is good and pain free. This just sucks.

Is it getting better? I hope so. Doing all the stretches, child pose kind of hurts the most but also makes it feel best when I'm done. Riding is okay but hitting bumps is not okay, they are like little spikes of pain.

Two more days of work to get through, then a Saturday of walking around. I think sunday might need to be a rest day - an off the feet day although off the feet is not easy to find a comfortable position. 

I'm really glad I went on the ride, would do it again no question even with all this. It was good.

But.... this sucks.

And then someone who shouldn't know it was my birthday who seemed to be working with someone else who ignored my birthday and so I assumed didn't know about it my birthday said belated birthday greetings in a request for help/guidance email and that triggered an immediate closing of the door and finding shit to do in the core and away from my office, aka avoiding everyone all over again. 

I don't like that anxiety/dread/depression it triggered, adding that to the pain in the IC area on the left side has REALLY fucked with the afternoon. Already in a bad state and now I've got to revisit trauma from last week? Awesome. Have I mentioned I hate this shit? I REALLY wish I could just be indifferent, not give a shit. It is kind of working in that I got two cards in the mail, and calls from two of my 4 other siblings, oh and one email and a few texts. So I've done a good job of shutting everyone down about it but at the same time that just makes it worse in a way. Way worse. 

at least I am fortunate enough to keep having birthdays

anyway - lets see how the microscope fixit guy is doing with the fanciest system (that breaks more than it works) and maybe get out of here w/o seeing anyone else.

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch
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