Friday, April 29, 2005

This Exit... or the next one

exit B&W

why does an exit sign have so much meaning? for me at least...

'cause i pass them so many times on the 150 mile route i drive everyday...

or is it that i pass so many but only use a few...

each sign is an opportunity passed? a choice not made?

and just after posting this series of images on Flickr i recieved an email from a dear friend...

one that brought a blur of long past exit signs flooding into memory...

countless what ifs...
what if i had taken that exit?
or that one?
or this other one?
what if...

a question best not dwelled on or attempted to answer...

brings on a wave of emotion that is overwhelming and the undertow can ruin a perfectly good day/week/year/life...

like old letters... old letters to... well to people that a relationship might have worked out brilliantly...

or letters from people where it didn't work out...

it comes down to the rational clear thought:
No i don't want to go back and change anything - the fantasy of what could have happend is very exciting... but still just that - a fantasy...

nothing more...

nothing more as long as i am able to divorce fantasy from reality...

am i?

can i?

can a move to a new city near family to a better university help ground and cement that separation?

am i still safe from my self with the lack of confidence?

will i always be too weak to initiate anything that would get me emotionally introuble? or am i finally strong enough to not feel compelled even if my actions are prevented from cowardice?

a bit revealing maybe for this - but today seems right - for some reason...

Is that exit coming up on to take?

Is it a detour or a destination?

A short cut or a senic route...

will my spirit be reliable?

can it carry me through?

so many unknowns...

so much doubht...

uncertainty...

fear...

am...

I...

doing...

the right thing?

I suppose only time will tell...

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

on autopilot

more or less... thinigs are happening too fast to keep track of and even though i think i am keeping up i fear i'm letting things get past me...

the girls are back and life is okay - except for the upcoming uncertainty... how to deal with that successfully will be a problem/challenge i am both relishing and not...

will i be excused or defered from jury duty? will i get the offer? will it be what i hope it is? will it be possible to find a place to live within out means?

what to do, what to do...

take more images - take some pinhole images... do something...

the cycling was going great until the last few weeks - preparing for two back to back weekends of almost epic drives... nuked 3 weeks in a row of getting on the bike... now i'm back to where i started... the endurance challenges on the mt bike are out the window - no racing for me with these miles... no idea when i'll get back on the bike - esp with as much as there seems to be to do with the house... crazy stuff...

ah well - and oooooh

this Ratzkiller dude - "ben-a-dick to the jews" all the evil overlord sith comparison pictures and the Mr Bean ones... they seem appropriate... i don't have a good feeling about this guy - could be cause i don't know him...

but i kinda went from diggin those guys to total disregard... which is sad... PJPII was pretty cool....

Friday, April 22, 2005

A Wolf Tree

reflection of a wolf


What is it... well to an ecologists, forester or a field botanist the name is familiar. To me, neither a field botanist or an ecologists - not quite a forester (mostly a forest tree biologist), it is beyond familiar...

its a phrase representing the most emotional and storied trees you find in the landscape...

a nice Silvicultural explaination:
A wolf tree has an unusually large crown for the stand. Often wolf trees grew up in relatively open conditions and the rest of the forest stand fills in around it.


-from: How Do We Shape The Forest: Silviculture

http://www.thewolftree.com/wolfdef.htm
had a bit of a definition of it - not in my words... but the book looks delicious...

The power of a tree that grew in an opening, unencroached by limits to its sunlight, allowed to fulfill its complete genetic potential. Either growing in the fence row of a field, or any other natural or human influenced wide open space...

The tree literally 'wolfs' up the space around it...

They seem normal alone, out in the field...

We see them all the time driving around...

The drama takes on a rich complexity at the point when small, younger trees take over the open space... a reforestation of sorts...

The young trees grow in tight crowded packed stands... exhibiting the second genetic form, a form that results from intense competition around it, straight arrow trunks, clean and clear to the top.

from a commercial point of view these wolf trees are nothing more than firewood, their age and complexity and branches challenge the mills... however the dense stands of straight trunks make the lumber sales team salivate...

I'm always curious about the story each tree has to say... what have they seen... why are they there? Did they start off in a forest, were they the runt of the trees, the ones no one wanted? Did they then explode in a flurry of dormant buds, thirsty for the power and energy from the sun?

I think that's the draw to a Wolf Tree to me... i want to get to know them... but how... how...

Monday, April 04, 2005

Thoughts on Peace and reflections on PJPII

With the passing of PJPII i've been rather more attuned to his legacy and message, and overwhelmingly, due to my propensity towards the direction, i find that Peace is really where he focused.

Peace and the message of peace is what separates modern societies... His Message for the celebration of the world day of peace on the first of january this year is profound and could verywell be seen as his ulitmate message, a final appeal to the world to realize the teachings and meaning of christ and what it means to be a christian...

full text is here - please read and pass it on

a few other comments/qoutes that can help to clarify the path to peace:
Instead of loving what you think is peace, love others, and love God above all. And instead of hating the people you think are warmongers, hate the appetite and disorder in your own soul, which are also causes of war. If you love peace, then hate injustice, hate tyranny, hate greed -- but hate these things in yourself first, not in others. ----Thomas Merton


Once you can overcome and vanquish those things in yourself... does it become okay to hate the warmongers?

actions are more powerful than beliefs... if you believe in peace yet make no effort to quell the violence in your soul and to extinquish your hateful actions/reactions then your beliefs are inconsequential... If you manifest love and peace, you are doing more..

This morning on the way in i was listening to NPR and they had a peice titled: "This I Believe"... that link will take you to one of the more touching and relevant essays... the most striking passge to me is:
I have a simple faith in the Deity and a hope that my attempts to live a decent life are pleasing to Him. If I were to discover that there is no afterlife, my motive for moral living would not be destroyed. I have enough of the philosopher in me to love righteousness for its own sake.


Has the power and the meaning of PJPII's life touched me? I think so... however i was saddened and angry when i gave in to the pressure and attended catholic mass on Sunday... but for a brief announcement/prayer prior to mass and a line at the community pray, and a brief comment at the end... there was no mention... maybe good for those children recieving their first communion, but a homily about Thomas and doubting left me angry and bitter. The logic and rational to say you must believe because the person sitting in front of you does, and the person sitting behind you and to your right and left all believe, you must also have faith and believe. Thomas should never have needed to 'see' to believe, the homily went on...

I got back and did what i should have done instead: got on my bike... and on the bike i started thinking... is there a direct line from the Apostles that "saw" the miracle of the resurection, or is there a dissconnect in history and we are all left with a gap, and to that point and the end, the message is intensely valuable, but is the logic and the "validation and reason to" properly routed? I doubt it is... I believe strongly that Marx was correct, religion IS the opiate of the masses, without a God and without an Afterlife the human community gives way to evil and the passion and intensity of living in the right now...

Why is it that humanity needs the promise of an afterlife to carry out a message of peace... Why does it seem to require that something more powerful than humanity is needed to enforce a code of morals?

I am going to borrow from Elizabeth Deutsch and take her: "Sometimes, in a moment of mental despair, I think of the words, "God loves an honest doubter," and I am comforted."
And for me make it say, I am an honest doubter, there is no mental dispair on my part, and i can take comfort in God's love for an honest doubter.

and with that, as Elizabeth did, i will end this today... and I will strive to read PJPII's message at least once a day this week...

end of life... comments i made somewhere else

[quote]So, tell me, what's the point? At that age, if they did, indeed, find cancer, would he be a candidate for treatment? Why put him through almost an hour of pain on a hard x-ray table, turning and twisting and positioning, just to say "Well, yep, I guess you do have cancer after all"! [/quote]

Well the dude probably has money, and insurance... he'd be a money maker for the hospital.

so what if he wants to know? And maybe he's got unwavering faith in the medical communty (nieve old fart) and believes that modern medicine will cure him if he is sick, and maybe he feels that even an extra 6 months with his grandchildren is worth it?

And who are you to judge what others want to do? :P are you the omnipotent sage of the x-ray machine :lol:

"look you are just too old - don't waste an hour of your time on this cold hard x-ray table... it won't matter if you know if ya got it or not - go home - save yourself and the insurance company money"

As for the whole TS crap... she wasn't the first like that, she isn't the last like that, she's just the only one that made national attention because her parents are sick sick people who worked hard to attempt to manipulate the courts and the media for their own benefits.... The Detroit paper a while back ran a front page article featuring 6 high profile cases that went to court over feeding tubes... But the actions of one side specifically were anti-peace, and purely selfish motives...

Ethically in terms of the elderly patients... we need to say does this treatment only benefit them? Or will it benefit their loved ones...

If this old guy was a bachelor, had no family and just wanted to live long enough to spend the rest of his money on hookers and at the casino... withhold treatment - but then why withhold it then? Isn't it his money? Isn't it his right to seek treatment even if it only means he will spend it at the sex shop just looking at nekkid women and playing roulette? I dunno....

i dunno...

I look at how my grandfather went. I was supposed to spend the summer with him - working on his house and skippering his B-40... Everything was supposed to be great... but a stroke kinda messed him up and one Sunday he ripped me a new one for something... and then took my shopping - well i drove him and got a stern lecture about two hands on the wheel when i'm driving anyone i care about - doesn't matter what i do in the car when i'm alone but with anyone else - i'd better be prepared... anyway - after we got back from that trip... he took a nap, and was unusually sedentary... i went off to work (dishwasher for dinner run) and he proceeded to go to 4 parties saying hello to everyone he knew in the area.. he came home and died... i went up the backstairs and missed the glass he dropped and the spilled water on the frontstairs... He had died before i got home early that morning...

He chose his time... turned out he hadn't taken any of his medication that day... and with what he was on, the results were well and clearly explained to him. It was his choice...

I pray for everyone that they can have the dignity to make their own choices about the end. Even if it is the way Hunter S Thompson went.

Make the choice for yourself. This old guy getting xrays... let him make his own choice... give him the information he needs to make it, but don't presume to be judge and jury for him. If it comes to the point where a medical guardian has to make the choice, be at peace with the choice and pray that it is in the patients best interest, as often it is.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Art and Life....

Something that for me is so inter-related and tied together...

How can people dismiss it out of hand...

What are they missing?

How do they exist? What do they use to fill the void?

Like music? How can anyone go through life never 'liking' music?
-- I can't go a few hours without having music on somewhere its a part of me - always there... right now: http://www.king.org/ with MOZART: Symphony No.41 in C, K.551 "Jupiter" playing... yesterday i was listening to DJ Tiesto - Live from Samfundet Trondheim... pretty opposite types of music but - music none-the-less.

Art is the same, I need some visual feedback, and maybe its just the appreciation of the landscape around, or the way the sunlight is falling across a tree/farm/barn on the way home. I can't imagine what it would be like stumbling through this life of mine without it.

I had a discussion with someone here at work the other day. They were talking about molding pottery and making clay replicas of gourds and turtle shells and what not, and that they were going to get a kiln this summer and go into buisness making custom art tiles... maybe i've been too specific, anyway, i've never had a very high appreciation for art that is actually practical, in some respects there is beauty in it but pottery has always struck me as a bit crafty (a word that i used and that struck this person with intense offense - like i'd just slapped them). Photography is different but not as different as scuplture and painting and other more manual expressions.

Does that make sense? Sure the question is: "well sculpture could be using clay and thus be pottery?" Yes but somehow i have a very clear distinction. Art can be made from clay but what is art then? Ithink maybe the difference is in the creation process. And maybe final application...

Painters and other media artists that take a 'snapshot' or even a great photograph and paint from that... not art... thats photocopying with error... Collecting an image latent or digital takes the visual interpretation out of the art. Its already been 'captured' and expressed and the artist is just expressing that again... not really art.

Adding digital effects to digital images is borderline art... but in a way acceptable to me somehow, mostly because i think that you aren't trying to translate an analog of what you captured, you are adding the emotion and what you feel to the image... enhancing the artistic value of it.

I make no appologies for my positions and opinions. Its part of me. Maybe i'll change as i get older, or maybe i'll beable to define these ideas even better later in life.

But the creative outlet is something i have mentioned here before... yeah this is linked to flickr and there are a few random blogger links but most of the traffic comes from P... and P's got a great eye... for selecting great images...

One comment i made over at flickr gave me the concept that i may or may not have outlined here: Is a good photographer one that takes a perfect image everytime or one that has enough money or patience to take 300 images and sort through for one or two amazing ones. And then if its the latter, are the good photographers? or as it may appear just lucky and are able to recognize a stunning image. Which most people can. ... I'm somewhat conflicted about that...

but i put these six images together as a study... kind of a - maybe they make more sense in one frame as a study... than as individuals...
Flair Study
a full size version of it is: here

well there - that only took 3 hours to get done between interuptions and all that... not so bad...

live life with love and compassion

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

A couple more Flickr pics and...

well... what to say - i dunno its just getting hot...

TOO DAMN HOT

57 fraeking degrees... and sunny...

i'm wanting my month of 40-45 degree weather...

bummer...

anyway - playing with the solar position (before daylight savings screws it all up completely) is gonna bump these images off flickr's pages... maybe i should just ante-up and pay the shiat for the 'pro' account...

rvm 1 rvm 2

black iridium 1 black iridium 1 black and white

Friday, March 25, 2005

Roadside wildlife

I'm a driver... just like my good friend little P talked about

And drivers don't just get in the car and reach a destination... its about the journey...

Part of that journey is what you see along the way... sometimes its possible to capture those images...
rose sky and power lines

ice and sun

but sometimes the camera is burried or its a fleeting glimpse of inspiration...

This week i've had a few of those camera-less moments... and its been nature, wildlife specifically that have 'made' the drive...

A herd of 100+ Deer grazing in a corn field... the harvester that went through there musta been broken or not very efficient because the Deer have been browsing that field for months... They aren't always there, and sometimes they are way off to the western edge of the field, sometimes they are along side the road. When they are closest to the road i succumb to the temptation and honk my horn, the Deer, well some of them, stop, look up and kind of shrug and go back to eating... they don't care about the highway, they have no intention of crossing the road...

Later that day there was a second herd of deer... in a different field, equally as unconcerned with the busy highway...

But cementing the experience on that drive was a pair of Sand Hill Cranes lifting off out of a still frozen wetland across 4 lanes of traffic, giant graceful birds... gaining just enough altitude to clear the cars that are blasting along at 80 mph...

The next day on the way home... two wild tom turkeys were on display... pretty impressive with their tail feathers fanned out and their body all puffed up...

fleeting moments like the Cranes... impossible to capture and share that specific moment, well i suppose if i ran video footage of every drive and then edited it down each night... but that would require no demands at home, and the ability to go without sleep, neither of which i'm granted the luxury to do now. Not to say that the rewards of the demands aren't a worth every minute of work, they are...

I've chosen the path i'm on, either actively or by inaction. What i have now i wouldn't trade for any change in the past. Life offers up what it does, and i think children are the ultimate gift and reward for the choices. They are precious and valuable beyond imagination... life is grand... life is special... even when it is difficult or confusing... faith, hope and love get you through...

peace all...
G

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Flicker Images - Next 8 to fall into the black hole...

Here they are
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
tues pm shepard sign tues pm

shepard sign mon pm Wed Am

US Mail Truck

rush hour traffic

vwsalt

Thursday, March 17, 2005

So... I'm having a double post kinda day

I want one of these: Better Light

A nice write up here: WiredNews:Photos Richer in 144 Megapixels

too bad they cost in the many thousands range... would be cool to have... but then many things would be megacool to have...

i guess i stick with my pinhole and graphics Arts film...

St Pats!

Listenin to a bit of Black47 today... nuttin better for this American Holiday that started here! Driving in watching all the bars that opened early packed full of cars... hearing about drunk college girls stumblin to class... part of me wants to say screw it all i'm off to the bar... part of me says - get some sleep ya big dumb idiot... nuthin like waking up at 5am and not being able to finish off the night of sleep... that last hour is frustrating to miss out on... that and coffee's gone - gotta round up some somewhere to survive the day i think... that or some beer or Whiskey... but somehow i don't think that'd be a good idea...

maybe i should just go play with the pinhole...

Oh - made some BioD... my first batch - seems to have turned out perfectly... just started with about 2 liters of used oil, nice and dry, all the ingredients in fact, evidence by the complete lack of any soap.

Just gotta separate the second mixing and then wash...

I figure if i can add even 1/2 gallon of "free" biod to the mix my fuel economy will go up... 1/2 gallon of "additives" makes enough difference to fantasize that i'm getting better economy than i am... not real gains but in a way they are...

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Flickr Image Set #2

Here's the next ten (i hope i didn't miss any between sets)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

self portrait3 white pickup

sunrise_commute3 sun commute sign

sun commute sunrise

relief

sunrise mon_pm

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Last page of Flickr Images

just so i can have something to access these as they fall off the page into the hidden archives...

Olalla005

Olalla001

Olalla006

Olalla011

Olalla013

Olalla015

Olalla016

self portrait

self portrait2

sunrise_commute

Oh and BTW... Jesus IS a Liberal

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

what kind of liberal?

a Humphrey Bogart Liberal. Dats right - i heard it last night on the way home...

more or less teh definition is: always standing up for the little guy!

For the workers against the rich fat exploiters/corporations

that kinda stuff - i'm kinda amazed i remember to write it down. It was used to describe Dan Rather by a not so favorable review of his career, and i heard it and thought: 'damn that's perfect'

so - this is just a short thought for today... but i think a good one :D

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

the corporatizing of education and other random thoughts strung together

how in the world an education institution supposed to recover 100% costs? Esp Public Universities? It doesn't make sense? How can you quantify value on teaching and research? You can certainly charge tuition and cover it that way. But what about a class like Intro Psyc? With 1000 students and one professor and a bunch of bubble sheets that a computer scores to evaluate and grade students? How does that compare to a hands on graduate level class using instruments (NMR/SEM) that might have 10 students in it? Equipment that Costs hundreds of thousands to acquire and then tens of thousands a year to maintain can't be compared to a single professor that may or may not be a temporary person getting paid $800/credit hour when the students pay $400/credit hour for the Intro Psyc AND the same for the Advanced SEM Class?

I dunno... what happened to many whole "expensive" research areas? They've been eliminated from the US and are now exclusively say in Europe or elsewhere. Where is that technology being applied? Certainly not here in conservative corporate greed land.

Sure lets vote to raise our own salaries 7 out of 8 years in a row, but the minimum wage? Nah... lets keep that super low, we don't want those millions of women and low income people to come up above the poverty line, that wouldn't be fair to the buisnesses exploiting them, not fair at all.

Now i hear Hunter S Thompson didn't shoot himself, its a right wing conspiracy to shut him up. He was too dangerous, his new book exposed too much, he was too close to breaking open the whole underground corporate mind control game the GOP is playing. Now don't go off and label me some liberal wacko, but i do favor individual rights over corporations, i favor protecting the environment over profit margin (but mostly because its a long term conservative approach), i favor choice but find abortion wrong, guns are great... if you hunt and enjoy it as a hobby, war is almost always the cowards way out of a problem, it is generally started by people who have nothing to loose personally by tossing their armies at another force, defending one's territory is different than "spreading democracy" with bombs and guns, and the root cause of nearly all war and violence is religious idealism, hitler, bush, Osama... You name em... they ain't no different, all egomaniacs, all killing/ed lots of misguided people who blindly (or not so) follow orders in the "name of the cause"

Was Gonzo on the trail of something more compelling and irrefutable than F 9/11? We'll never know i guess. Maybe he did cash in his chips himself, maybe not, maybe he's been unsuccessful at doing it with less dramatic ways (drugs, alcohol, motorcycles) and finally went the way the warden did in Shawshank...

Whadda ya say to someone who doesn't see the wrong in USA policy? How can anyone believe a slim majority is a "mandate"???? Regan had a "mandate" 'cause he blew the election away in a landslide... little Dumbass Dubya, the curious George president, certainly thinks he has one... flabbergasting...

Now another subject that gets people all worked up... photography of the human figure, generally naked. Now sure, i've been known to click on a few free 'nrop' sites (nrop, cause i donna wanna put the proper spelling in so no webcrawling buggers pick it out - and this is a second change now its just spelled backwards). But then where do you draw the line between nrop and art? For me i've not had a problem deliminating, from the artistic POV, there is nothing more compelling than a female figure as a subject, in photography, in sculpture, or in painting... Black and White photographs tend to be much less prone to the stereotypical "nrop" label, but there are boundaries. Now where would Palybyo (misspelled on purpose) fall? its certainly closer to the border, but in the intent and color and subject with emphasis on certain anatomical parts or expressions pushes it over, in my mind at least. I think everyone has to draw the line somewhere.
Take Picasso's sketch books. I saw the exhibit in LA at the museum there, what about 16-18 years ago maybe now. And i would certainly label many of his sketches in his notebook pages as 'nrop'... why? well the perspective and attention to the focus and the fact that they appeared to be grouped as specifically/explicitly just the female genetalia, now sure - its a sketch, pencil or pen, done by a master Picasso... but does it blur the line effectively?

anyway - there's art and there's pron and there's a different view on where the distinction falls... find the line for yourself, if for nothing more than you know where it is or so you know when you cross it...

sheesh... whadda day

and anyway who the hell is H. C. Hoffman:
H. C. Hoffman's Barn

Monday, March 07, 2005

i finally did it

i got out on the bike on the road both days this weekend...

it was fantastic - and damn it all if it isn't down to 25ºF here and falling after be'n almost 50 this morning... we'll see but the rollers are not looking like they'll get much use tonight - but... maybe i can get enough energy up to hop on em for 45 minutes or even just for 30...

dont wanna let this weekend go to waste... well it isn't a waste in that the rides were worth it isolated, but if i can keep building... that'd be super... i don't think i'll even come close to Mike W.'s 1000 miles at 65% max HR. Figurin mines around 190 max or so (well it was last i checked) that puts me at 124 as the target max for the first 1000 miles... well i blew that every rise pretty much... i wonder if that 1000 miles means being inshape first ;) or not loosing 100% of the base fitness from the previous season (which in my case ended over 6 months ago). I only hit 80% twice... and not for extended times... i'm thinking with some discipline and some more cold weather i could get through this in the basement on the rollers keeping the HR low... but 1000 miles? nah - no way - (maybe if i'm negative enough about the numbers i'll make it)...
ooh and i wanna try something with the flickr stuff:
Olalla005
http://photos4.flickr.com/4167169_d026319f97_m.jpg
http://photos4.flickr.com/4167169_d026319f97_o.jpg

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

pinhole

my latest experiment in imaging.. Pinhole Camera... I made one up (still gotta get the pics online - will do soon) and its pretty damn cool... the lastest crop of Flickr Pictrs are from the 'camera'

using an old used Electron Microscope aperature kicks ass... now i just need a more stable base - ie tripod i'm thinking to make it all work better... that and get my exposuring better.

F5 Kodabrome paper is TOO contrasty. RC III paper with no filter... works okay and if the exposure is good - photoshop can make it all happen.

nothing like getting in the darkroom a bunch. Down side to this camera i've made is: One shot- develope -reload... that and i've used most of the close areas more than once... still a bit of the library i wanna capture and the music building, but in essence i gotta tripod this sucker first...

Oh and i found the downside of a free flickr account... only 100 images are visible... means i gotta be doubly selective about everything from now on... that of dig deep for the $$ they want... although being an academic means i've never paid for ANYTHING internet wise... free webspace, free email, free dialup... all above board and legal stuff too... as cool at flickr is, the $ is abit much, more in principle than anything else...

anyway - i might look at creating a polaroid back type pinhole... that way i can load a 10 pack and shoot with faster results... and since the image becomes digital ultimately, no need for longevity...

wow - i'm not so profound anymore - maybe thats a good thing... maybe i should change... *shrug*

Friday, February 25, 2005

...

yeah dats about it:

...

its all i feel like saying but rather than not say it i feel compelled to just say it, and of course wind up saying even more...

and to say that i've found new inspiration, a new muse if you will... my step-father claims to have inherited his father's muse. For them the muse was the force that gave them the ability to compose incredible sonnets, many of my grandfather's sonnets are published like this one, pop over to amazon and check out the rest of them...

so a muse to me is an inspirational entity - sometimes its been an animal, sometimes a tree, once it was a whole arboretum... and rarely a person...

these muses help fuel the creativity - but sometimes frustrate me to no end - seeing possibilities - having impossible ideas of brilliant concepts build up and drive me insane...

so..
on that...
fini

Thursday, February 24, 2005

What the ***** h'v I been do'n

Seems a whole lot of nuttin lately - and - i donna like it sometimes - not talkin werk stuff - that's been rocking steady if a but foggy from lack of sleep and shizz - but i'm getting it done and its kickin aezz...

Damn if readin Jonny's epic about the damn Old P race in AZ this morn'n doesn't get me fired up and hungry for the same punishment... i'm digging the 'idea' of single speed more and more - diggin it in a way that means i wanna do it but haven't yet - i got the wheel that i built up on a 1x1 hub... the wheel rocks... but... um it's gotta be attached to a bike and what bike is it going on? That full on POS Mantra Carbon beast that i've got - yeah the one with the Rigid uniKlein fork - kinda deserves the single speed treatment... i mean fuck it is a rear suspension bike - i can put the front old school Manitou XCTi fork back on... i jumped it up with some mongo wide bars... gotta tweak and pick the gearing in front i think and then just farking go with it and start riding.

I keep thinkin about the Walden school of thought with the 1000 miles... at this rate i might have 1000 miles in two years if i keep thinking instead of riding... its just when the hell am i gonna ride? Looks like AFTER dinner if its gonna work - that or i bring the shit into my office and ride here - but who wants their office turning into a gym... its enough pain to have the Cross bike sitting here staring at me... its my albatross - and it aint' going away until i start riding something...

And yea - having a newborn AND a 4.5 year old in the house kinda screws everything up as far as me having me time, combined with the farking 1+hour commute each way every day... if only i couuld do it on the bike... hell that's something i've been thinking about doing for 5 years now... riding to work one day... 75-80 miles one way on the back roads... why the fuck haven't i done it yet? I dunno - summers get messed up and i get busy/lazy and i don't really have any good reasons why not - yeah it'd be stupid but its one of those epic stupid things that are worth doing...

Ane the whole "two niner" thing - the guys i used to work with at Velocipede are pretty harsh on em: "Why'd you want something that is heavier and slower"
To a point I agree, larger tires - more rotational force required to get em rolling... slower accel/speed changes, but bigger diameter has gotta be better for bigger riders like me and my 6'6" lanky big size... that and a two niner bike in MY size actually looks right - the XL Adroit or XL Mantra Carbon i've got look stupid goofy - like some tricky 20" bike or worse, like a Bike Friday: not that there is anything wrong with riding a Bike Friday... if you are traveling...

well i'm done - coffee break is over - work's not doing itself - and life, life rolls on and my frames are collecting dust... if nothing else they all need a good coat of pledge (lemon of course) if they are gonna be basement art fixtures....

Monday, February 21, 2005

whats up with the gates

they are ubiquitous on Flick.com right now...

its a short term exhibit set up... here's one example of someone's set

well here are a bunch of links

The Gates
its actually kinda cool... the post started off as a rant about the massive amounts of orange gated pictures... on flickr...

now...

damn its cool...

would be cool to head to NY to see em in person...

this is the pic i like the best... the overhead shot of them all
http://www.christojeanneclaude.net/sharedMedia/TheGates/update/tuesday/_H1U1462.jpg

anyway - no i didn't get on the bike - yes i got the plumbing fixed - yes there are visitors at home invading my space... hmmm maybe that means i have a better excuse to get on the rollers when i get home -BINGO-

(adding an addendum - freakin hell if there isn't a flickr.com account setup JUST FOR THE GATES

Saturday, February 19, 2005

time to ride...

i've got a dream...

i want to race in the single speed clydesdale solo catagory...

in the endurance series here in michigan put on by fun promotions...

but...

that means i gotta start riding...

getting miles on...

and...

most "training diaries" for endurance races say you need to get on the bike in November and put on low intensity base miles for a May/June race...

its february...

i haven't been on my bike yet...

gonna happen?

prolly not...

i had to turn down an invite to do DALMAC so i can keep the dates open for TDIFest...

Call my crazy but a 12 hour mt bike race sounds a LOT more fun than doing a big social quad century...

harder?

definatly...

I miss mt biking...

and the bike in the basement collecting dust do as well...

we'll see - question is...

can i get on the bike this weekend?

even if just the rollers?

I really hope so...

this is very cool and probably what i should do:
Michigan coaching legend Mike Walden kept his road racers on a 42/15 fixed gear at a heart rate never to exceed 65% of their maximum until they had logged 1000 miles for the season, and he claimed a single sprint would negate all the "capillary developing" of this phase


how long will it take to build up 1000 miles on the rollers in the garage?

i think its a worthy experiment...

far more so than watching The Amazing Race...

at least Project Runway is over this week...

am i a link happy fool this morning or what?

i'm also a return happy junky...

why?

cause rather than having a paragraph full of those three periods (why the hell can't i rember what they are called-edit-GOOGLE RULES) i decided to try it with a hard return after each: ellipsis (and yeah now that i found it i remeber the name...

okay - well - i should get off so i can get stuff done so i can even have a 'chance' to get on the bike...

right after i fix the plumbing in the bathroom sink i'm guessing...

Friday, February 18, 2005

photography

i've mentioned Flickr a few times lately, and have added the recent upload links on the left...

i like how addicting it is, addicting in a way that is helping me focus on the creative, the presentation and the image...

i've spent so much time just 'snapping' pictures, not to say that i'm recklessly pushing the shutter and hoping for a good image - far from it... its just that before i'd dump a big bunch of unedited (except for rotation) files on a page and leave em up there... and forget about them...

with Flickr i've been forcing myself to thinking about cropping options and which one is better out of two... really starting to be critical about the images...

not only that but the inspiration from looking at others, while i may not have the 'resources' to really do what i want (black and white art nudes) i'm finding the occasional bouts of self portraiture and landscapes filling that desire... there is just something unmatched about the lines of the human body - not in a sexual way but in a sensual tactile way that other subjects cannot offer...

i guess also getting stimulated by the use of the new camera, also the freedom to drag around the old one... but now having used the new one the limitations of the D-460z are painfully apparent... but not limiting, fortunately...

so maybe what i'm saying is - between this oft neglected (in the past) blog and the Flickr space, maybe i can satiate the creative beasts that roam in my head...


maybe...


maybe just for a while...





and that would be okay...

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Today's just been like this all day....

bad day2

colors

rose sky and power lines

if not a pure duplicate it is exactly what the i saw in terms of the feeling of driving into a rose colored snowstorm. The snow was just lightly falling as the sun was setting behind the bank of clouds. Thats gotta be how the light was getting that effect...

strangest thing was looking in the rear-view... it was the normal blue gray...
rose sky with gray sky behind in mirror

that C-7000 does a fantastic job at nailing the colors... I'm very impressed

that site meter i put up... kinda depressing... i knew no one was checking it out but ... now i know it... itssokay but kinda like being in high school where no one hangs out with ya - and you can make yourself believe it is because they are all busy doing other stuff... then when ya get told - no its cause you are too weird... taht kinda feeling i guess - maybe its that coupled with my lack of sleep and caffine buzz and massive hunger pangs and the 100 extra pounds my head feels light it weighs this morning.

Oh and next week is going to be hell.... i can feel it already... maybe i can just sink into the influences of Drunkcyclist.com and Flickr's groups... that or i could be productive at home and still have a hellacious week... not so much from the work side of stuff - but the 1+ hour commute... well lets say when ya get woken up 4 times in the course of 6 hours... THAT sucks...

Monday, February 14, 2005

... the drive ...

as interesting as it could have been this morning is was not...
few if any cars along the way to work...
roads just wet...
shoulders of the road covered in ice...
remnants of what might have covered the road hours earlier...



and through the mist...
and fog...
a sort of peace is felt...
as it passes by at 120km/hr...



--

yes the new camera showed up, its sweet... just have to get a card reader so i'm not chewing batteries while d/l-ing from the camera - esp those 45meg video files

Friday, February 11, 2005

what is a camera?

an escape mechanism?

I didn't start off this blog thinking i'd be all about the images, then i sort of went into the landscape stuff and now with the Flickr.com account i'm liking the ritual of updating and sharing and all...

still nothing redirecting here (other than one brief post at P.'s blogg which kinda strange as much as i think about it and as much as the on stage performer in me is craving broad mass appeal and attention, and considering as many times as i've mentioned it - i'm pretty cool with it...

Finally broke down and just got the C-7000... too many cameras to choose from, sooo soo many cameras with very similar functions... so while i still may be relegated to using the old D-460z as my traveling companion, i can be happy in knowing i've got a great 7 megapixel controllable setup when i need one.

Walking out to the car yesterday afternoon, the brilliant sun had left a nice salt crust over the whole car... and the sun's angle begged me to get at least one good image...
vwsalt

And then with the brilliance i realized with my glasses on i had a new opportunity to capture some images that were different than before... giving me one more mirror surface to play the light off of, and a couple i think were fantastic as black and whites...
black iridium 2 BW

the rest of the day's uploads are hanging out in my flickr space...

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Three Days of Michigan

Driving home on Monday:
shepard sign mon pm

Same spot driving home on Tuesday:
shepard sign tues pm

okay well not quite the same spot... but the same sign...

now onto this morning:
Wed Am

SNOW! Yeah snow...

there are a few more shots like that over there - Big debate ranging in my head is new camera or no new camera...

THis ol' D-460z is SLOW - as in takes many seconds to write each little 1.3MP image... Spend $200 on a little nikon coolpix 4100 or 3200 or something? or jump into an Oly C-7000 or wait for the C-5500 to come out... ahh the fierce debate rages in my head - i should just get one, get it overwith and move on to the next interal head debate...

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

SLEEP

I

NEED

SLEEP

coffee don't do it anymore... it helps but... only a little

when the painter comments that you look like a raccon... that can't be good...

aahhh the joys of parenthood!!!!

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Monday, February 07, 2005

Soo whadda ya know

the pats pulled it off - and man did i enjoy watching it - as much as i could empathize with the Eagles fans... i was uncontrollably root'n for the Pats... even though my FFL playoff league was split between the teams i didn't realize until the game was going on how much i actually wanted the Belly-check boys to win...

oh and good news for the newest family member of ours - she was 3.995 kgs at birth
check this story out for why that's so good

images? today? yeah - i snagged the camera - but damn nothing noteworthy in the fog and drizzle this morning... too cloudy, no sunrise....

And oh BTW - support your LBS!

Friday, February 04, 2005

as seen on the drive

a beat up old caprice classic...

merging on the highway...

total rust bucket...

car is obviously neglected...

guy driving it is also neglecting himself...

well over 350 pounds...

car suspension is so toasted...

its sagging visibly under his weight...

And then you realize...

yes indeed Michigan is one of the fattest States in the union...

But surpisingly enough the beat up old car is a rarity...

Salt...

and big three connections keep most of the cars new(er) ...

i should have had the camera with me - to juxstapose the beauty of the sunrise through the fog and clouds...


Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Time warp

Issa what it feels like... everything a bit fuzzy... facts in order - wait - out of order...

Sleep - a valuable commodity now... how was i ever able to go on no sleep for so long... i must be getting old...

crazy stuff - cool stuff - just a bit - nuts...

a few cool links for today:
a photo 'mapping' site

okay - so there's just one...
---
i keep looking at this format and saying i'm liking it - but then sort of think........ there are really cool sites out there - cool set ups - but then this is mine - a few formatting bits nabbed from other places - but the colors, the image... all mine... the hard to readness of it... mine... but then being stuck in michigan - finding cool hip sites in NYC and heck even in AZ... i just sort of say... hmmm for a michigan basement dwelling giant... it works...

basement - yeah... they've just painted the facility here a peachy apricoty "orange" not a good strong Orange... but its better and brighter than the baby poop brown and tan that was down here before... and yeah - the formating at the facility is messed - it needs to be worked up a bit better - not all the pages are there - some are in process - others - not there yet... oh to be out of michigan... to take my two girls and let them grow up near the salt water - near family... near friends ...................... yeah - i'm a fan of the long strings of periods... my favority punctutation for thoughts... when i used to write letters -by hand- email them to girlfriends (doh - I said email... duh - MAIL - too damn switched - that or no sleep) they'd be these long stream of consiousness flowing random but connected documents... i'm not listening to yahoo now... i've got my winamp relaying T R A N C E kindom's full length DJ mixes as SR is pulling the nice 192 stream in to the HD (damn if music doesn't fill up HD space fast doing that)....

sleep and energy is tied to motivation i think - that and some people are hardwired to be that way.... that and what i think i'm finding is alot of the energy i find is from artistic expression, a littlle from teaching but nothing near what i used to beable to find, and what i still experience with a camera in hand looking to capture a moment, a scene, a landscape...

take my "Magic Hill" session (yeah those are the big image ones.... -meh- i can seem em fine) as an uneditied whole i really enjoy them... i think once they are trimmed down to an exclusive collection they will be impressive... I love my Lecia R3 SLR... but... the frugal side just has a hard time snapping through 160 shots in less than an hour... that and the instant gratification side doesn't want to wait for someone else to process them (color) or spend my time developing and printing (B&W) ... That Lecia Digital camera is something to lust after, but the practical side says - D70.... a mantra in my head now... D70 D70... down side is neither are cheap... and that new C-5500 from Olympus is looking mighty tempting... something to replace the good old dependable D-460zoom that'll be going on 5 years old that still kicks major ass even with a 1.3 MP chip.... ah well -

Manuel Le Saux is beaming in on the LAN... pretty nice - clean mix... i'm liking - need more coffee - might go find some... we'll see

till later

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Driving Thoughts

Why the Freaking hell can't i post live in the car when i'm driving home... it'd be much easier.. i wouldn't need to spend the whole freaking day smackin my head saying WTF was i trying to remember?

Sleep Deprivation sucks... but last night - being awake at 2:30am was freaking heaven... makes it all worthwhile for that moment of pure perfection and joy... call it 15 minutes but there isn't much time when an infant is awake and just happy to be hanging out... they are either angry and pooping or hungry... i can't help with the pooping, and i can't help nurse... i can change diapers and i can hold and comfort... and when the baby is just hanging out looking around listening to your voice... there is nothing like it... nothing at all.

I kinda remember what i was going to say that i thought of last night.

It was spurned by the track from Mightnight Oil's Our Country song... damn if i don't recall right now which album - blame it on the sleep... or lack there of.

But the Song is kick ass perfect for My Country now. It my country right or wrong... and that fact is what i've got to hold on to and believe in and hope that someday it will be right again and not trip and fall into the pit of retarded fundamentalism and all that crap...

OH btw - FireFox ROCKS... that and its -6ºF here right now... thats right folks - minus 6 on the scale that only the AmuriKans like to use exclusively... -21ºC for those F impaired... tonight it is supposed to be a balmy -10ºF (-23ºC) Thankfully i don't have to make the 75 mile pilgrimage to work tomorrow... the old Golf can sit in the garage tonight and chill... this morning it was subject to the GD outside... still got plugged in but there is a massive difference in being plugged in inside the garage and being plugged in outside in -6ºF weather... It took me a good 15-20 minutes to warm up just getting into the car and slowly loosing all my body heat...

Well - one of these day's i'll get a picture or two up...

Also one of these days i'll get on my Bike and ride... i can only hope this job comes through and i can start commuting by bike again... but in the mean time i gotta get my ass in shape so i can be around and beable to keep up with my girls...

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Patrick O'Grady is Da Man

what more can be said than his current page... http://www.maddogmedia.com/

No doubt in honor of the disgrace about to befall this country of mine... a loose cannon who's dumber than a box of rocks, who's daddy bought him every position he's "attained" and who now believes he's got a "mandat" with a "win" in an election, its as if he acknowledged that he DIDN'T win his first term...

the quote OGrady's got on his page now is this:
"We are to guard against ourselves; not against ourselves as we are, but as we may be; for who can imagine what we may become under circumstances not now imaginable?" — Thomas Jefferson to Jedidiah Morse, 1822.


and how true it is

and how sad it will be... here's a cup of coffee raised to the nation in hopes that the second term proves to follow history, Nixon, Reagan, Clinton... 2nd term scandal... BRING IT ON... not that there is any evidence lacking...

Doesn't Rice just sound like a smug brash bitch? She's out right lieing... and if she isn't knowingly purguring her self and if she actually believes what she is saying, she is sick. She needs to be committed for evaluation and mind control. Powel was the last free thinking in that adminstration. He might have been conservative but he was an "outsider" of the GWButthead machine that his daddy has paid for and supported.

We the impoverished people, We the undertaxed and overextended people, We the country of misguided morals and corporate corruption...

I will NOT be watching a bit of this crap from today- nothing of the sort... i'm gonna boycot the events

Funny thing...

driving home last night i distinctly remember having something i wanted to say...

freaking A - if the thought is no where to be found - nothing bouncing around in the old tired head can find the damn idea...

when's Google going to come out with a memory search engine? I can use one... hell i'd even let them read all the crap up there if it was effective...

Well my little fasionista took in a good program last night - she's all about designing dresses - soo its time to start getting her some divergent influences... I'm thinking Matisse or Chagall as a place to start with images that are incredible vibrant and inspirational.

Then its going to be the next challenge to work on the layout and all that... it might be time to find her a dress form so she can design the dress, then help the in house seamstress make the garment... Certainly a potential outlet that i am all in favor of supporting. Yeah i mentioned it earlier i think...

--

next random thought will have to come later in a separate post....

Thursday, January 13, 2005

So its 2005...

People start getting fired over web blogg comments about work... so i'm gonna avoid that subject more or less...

Things are strange... i've got a couple slide show series that i really want to share but ... with who. No one really wants to see a "slide show" anymore... heck no one did back then. Down side is they are pretty freaking cool images... Ah well so what.

The car hit 222,222 miles (thats a lot more kms 357631.6 to be exact) as i pulled into work on the sheet of ice the freezing rain left overnight.

NO issue though - car handled the ice better than the NHL outashape regulars could have...

Going home it was a blast - maybe 25 feet of visibility, tail lights were popping up in the fog at about 50-100 feet depending on the car. I made it home pretty quick and a lot safer than the 202 car pile up on the other interstate...

crazy stuff... people just don't drive like they are acutally driving. They don't pay attention to the feedback of their surroundings, and i just don't get it.

Why not? if you eff up you are dead.... or you kill someone else... took them 9 hours to clean up the mess from the crashes... and today after we have had monsoonish rain overnight and a massive thaw of ALL the snow... its supposed to all freeze!! yeah... great... drive home first in fog, now in ice? After driving to work in Snow on monday, then tuesday Ice, and then fog yesterday... Feck i'm thinking i'll have to drive through something crazy the rest of the week and there's still one day left.

So at what point in a career does one say: "Am i headed in the right direction?" "Do i need to go the next measured mile for the degree that will grant me the power to be a director?" i dunno

is this state where i am supposed to be? i dunno
should i be happy here? probably
would i be happier somewhere else? i dunno

well life goes on, things happen, stuff changes, why does it always seem to come down to $$

i'll work on getting some of the more profound pictures published... i'm closer to the video stage of my ideal project... might be almost ready to give it a try soon... maybe sooner than later... XP is almost as easy to use at the MAC stuff for video editing... anyway peace to yall and stuff

Monday, December 27, 2004

when thoughts keep ya awake...

I can't sleep, tried... one of those nights ya just wind up more awake every second...

And thoughts - pouring in...

Thoughts like "I remember growing up playing with the chamber orchestra at old folks and convalescent homes in the seattle area... I remember kids boasting that their dads were investing heavily and building more 'retirement' homes cause that is where the cash was, easy money, cheap investment... and all that before the Say Anything movie..."

Kinda didn't hit me till just now the irony of that related twist in the movie... and yeah that wasn't the only area in the country where greedy 'businessmen' fleeced old folks of their hard earned cash...

lead to actually lead into the thought process that really woke me up... life is like a big Plinko game.

but things fall into place and stay there. when they are there, it feels right, you know its right. I generally feel that i got where i am on my own, not with out help or support, but i am me because of me, and in spite of me. Thing fall in place, wife, bikes, career... working in michigan knowing that the job was right, but the place was not... the current location/place feels right... the house in michigan, never really felt like 'our' house... in new england, i remember distinctly having the feeling a few weeks after we moved in that 'it just feels right' the tip off to the whole plinko chip game of life was the Cross season of discovering what it was like not to have a beer or two with dinner. Discovering that you can wake up feeling like you have been drinking all night but know its not the case. Realizing that spending a whole night sleeping while dehydrated sucks as much as drinking all night the next morning. It felt right. Plinko chip in place... but... that cascade of chips raining around all the time, threatening to destabilize the chips that are fitted perfectly in place can and sometimes knock something awry. Sort of kinda how i felt last few days... at least in words and writing its how it sort of seems to me... i'm grateful for the path i've had to lead. it hasn't been the easiest. i've done many things i shouldn't have, all of them pretty much not illegal, mostly just stupid... Like an article in the post i was reading... there are the dumb-but-smart people (they were picking on Monica Lewinski for having just received an advanced degree in economics from some school in London) and smart-but-dumb people. Like Clinton, smart, but had dumb moments like the whole Lewinski 'affair' and stuff. I believe it elected NOT to address any comments towards the current president. i have my moments of dumbness. all pretty much painfully etched in my head... waiting to be presented in my emotional consciousness in a crippling way. Sometimes ya gotta do something once more - almost bart simpson with the electrified donut like... My dad's a big role model in many ways... and that's sort of what got me thinking about the drinking... he was drunk pretty much all the time, but 'us williams' have pretty high functioning levels when intoxicated, at least born out by me and my brothers not to mention our father. He quit cold turkey when my folks got divorced. And i know it wasn't easy for him... but he stuck with it... much admiration do i have for his strength (sorry - got a bit yoda there). I got thinking tho about that because of thnking about how much our youngest likes sleeping in our bed with us... how we much look and feel to them. I thought about some of the earliest memories of my dad and how big his hands used to seem when he was putting the worm on my hook, followed by the cheddar marshmellow (only the orange ones worked with the worm for the trout in Washington State it seemed - we never failed to limit out). And i thought about my littlest and how big we all must seem... Or do they know to be aware that we are all big. Is that a learned perception? Probably not.

And all that - churning through my head and I think maybe in part because my mind wasn't helped towards the numb state of sleep with a beer or a glass of wine... That was something that took time to get used to... if ya drank too much coffee late, well have a few more beers and you'll sleep just fine... the life of a bike shop mechanic in essence, we used to joke about it: wake up, drink coffee, work, drink coffee, eat lunch, work, drink coffee, ride, eat, drink till asleep and repeat... its a great lifestyle if you can get it and if ya are 25... It doesn't cut the mustard once ya hit the master's level...

So here i sit - introspecting myself to death, baring myself in a "public" manner... all without the influence of anything stronger than water... TV... that's the other problem. TV seems to keep me awake too. Watching TV here (a bit more at night cause i can ALWAYS find SOMETHING to watch) has maybe not been helpful... And there are no good reading lights in the bedroom so i can just finish reading the book about the Tancook Schooners.

I've got a notion to burry this past weeks posts back a few years... stuff em back in the archives where no lurks... back where the cobwebs hang thick from the sparse and random musings...

Back before i went to Cyclocross Nationals as a spectator... back before i clicked on Kerry's page from the Drunkcyclist link... back before i was inspired to start this whole mess that is it now... its been a great journey... meeting people and getting to know people in person has been fantastic... and the inspiration and advice that's improved my cross racing and inspired me to sign up for a race that's limited out 4 months in advance (yeah Battenkill Cat 4 is full... go figure). Cycling saved my life... and gives me a healthy purpose. I'm blessed with a wife that is supportive, kids that are flexible schedule wise and fun, and a region that makes it all possible!

peace out,
-sappy g wide awake a midnight and not quite sure what the hell to do...

Thursday, December 09, 2004

its been a while

I know - kinda sad - but... it only means one thing! I'M TOO BUSY
or just busy enough

the semester is winding down but like a 4 year old wound up at midnight, the crash is coming soon and the display of energy is an unconsious expendeture before...

I keep wanting to say things and to get them out but some are probably better not said but on the other hand not saying them makes it a bit worse, somehow i need to find a way to say stuff that i can express these emotions without the real meaning being decifered by others... although thats kinda what bloggs are about right? expressing real emotions without judgement... but that assumes some anonaminity (damn is that a word even) and GeWilli is somewhat known around the internet in some circles... well what ever...

Winter is here - sort of... it snowed... then it rained, and rained, and warmed up, and now its supposed to snow again... crusing on 60% tread All season tires isn't the most comforting feeling, might be time to get real tires for the winter, but for the few days i REALLY might need em, i can just be cautious and make it till next winter without getting them. That was the plan anyway...

One thing lately (last night kicked the feelings going again) is i really like fasion, yeah i'm completely hetero - no quesiton there, but fasion, cloths, colors, i'm just really inspired and feel somewhat stifled in a way. Its a constant battle when i'm not doing lots of really fantastic images to not have regrets about pursing art instead of science. And for the last 5+ years i've been yearing for two outlets for the creativity, #1 movie/film, and #2 fasion design. Have i done anything about these feelings? no not really, except lately i've been "designing" with my daughter... kinda fun... we take turns creating the outline of the dress and then coloring in. each telling the other which color to use next with the colored pencils... maybe i can project these creative ideals upon her and have my own designer rather than being one myself... gonna have to find a major cash resource to fund the dreams and desires of my daughters sooner than later...

anyway - there is always music and i'm no closer to being able to express the ideas and concepts in electronic dj mixes that i would like than when i posted way back when.... probably good that no one really reads these too much... esp good that there are soooooo many people out there with their own blogs that no one has time to surf or comment... unless they know the person and are directly invited it seems most people are left alone - that or it takes saying something really outrageous - but on the other hand i really kinda like just talking to myself and posting the random landscape images that i take... maybe i'll have more to post - maybe the trip to seattle will get me more/different lanscapes to share with myself... "self" that sounds like a good idea... well seeing how this is generated while eating lunch and seeing how its just been sitting here for a while - better just get it posted... before i get attacked... by all the women down here in the dungeon