Friday, May 10, 2019

Damn that intro

to where the streets have no names...


Ridiculous...

Sometimes writing helps, sometimes it makes it worse, sometimes it does both usually in the opposite order...

not a great morning, not terrible afternoon but not what was planned.

i was working pretty insanely until the opening bars of this song came on the pandora station i had playing in the background...

i had to sit down and stop...

that whole album...

good stuff...

not a good time in my life though - but i guess the argument could be made that it is just normal for me...

Stopped to snap a photo this morning

posted it over on IG and twitter with the caption:
"Tailwind #bikecommute overseen by an undulating tapestry of clouds."

Pretty sure it would be impossible to convey how well it suited my mood this morning. So I didn't try.

It just does...

still does...

Of course autoplay from the link above cued up:

And shit the lyrics are kind of my anthem eh?

best get back to it - music, ah music...

heddwch
G

oh books and reading

I guess that's been as much a part of me as riding bikes. Something consistent, always there. Back and forth sometimes not reading so much, sometimes digging into different genres. lately of course I've pretty much read all the science fiction i can get my hands on. Apocalyptic stuff seems to resonate well with the state of the world.

I was waiting for Emma Newman's 4th book in the Pathfinder series to come out. It showed up in the library, I missed the first checkout but grabbed it pretty quickly. Devoured it in a day. Read late, read while eating meals...  it is a short book at least. Not like a GRRM tome or a JSAC brick.  So much absolutely on point, wonderful and terrifying future description of the human race and how toxic the current crop of americans are...  read the book and you'll get it. Best though to read all 4 books.

Now Yash had posted something about another author. Haruki Murakami. I've come across this guy a few times, but never picked up one of his books. But Yash posted Norwegian Wood and it was available in the library, and i was waiting for other stuff while listening to Saturn Run building bikes.

And wow.

What a gut wrenching but almost familiar kind of story. Oddball awkward loaner coming of age, reflecting on heartache and pain and life and death.

I'm still processing it but between what Syl has been going through and a pile of other stuff I'm kind of floating in a weird fugue state.

one quote I highlighted and saved as I was reading it:
"That;s why you need to grab whatever chance you have for the happiness where you find it, and not worry too much about other people. My experience tells me that we got no more than two or three such chances in a lifetime, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives."

got a very dark feeling that i've had my two or three chances... and that's the way it is... but i suppose if it isn't letting something go as having it done w/o control it isn't the same... 

Life is pretty fucked up. Strange. And shit.

Okay now I'm fucking up my day sitting here wasting time writing instead of riding in to work.

But the day's pretty well hosed, or in other words it is going to be flat out non-stop once I get there. In an intensity that is hard to describe. But that's okay, it is what it is and I'll get through and work to help everyone around me be their best.

Might even leave the e-bike at home again today. Maybe I'll get lucky and be able to leave early enough to get either the new BB in or bars taped or the new fancy carbon wheels on the Crockett... yeah I'll probably ride that today. Tires continue to be a bit of a perplexing area...  maybe with the 25mm wide rims the 38s will be good enough eh? Should probably order some of them. Maybe put some 28s on the old heavy stock wheels and turn the crocket into road level stuff. It has a 38t chainring. Will make for a shitty spinning ride on the road for smackdown level pacing but should be fine for long days in the saddle.

Books and bikes...  quiet introspection, no confidence, begrudging solitude...  but somehow it works... i guess.

speaking of work...  i'm so f'n late...

heddwch
G


Wednesday, May 01, 2019

oh smackdown

There's some contention about smackdown and there's some differing of opinion about what the ride means and how it should be done.

Causes some issue.

I want to get into it - but some how the charge from having a not terrible night last night, even if it was just riding with Syl and Burke after leland and the cat 1 kids took off i felt not terrible and got my HR over 160 so that was good.

Was able to dig and hurt myself.

Was good.

But somehow

I mentally tanked today. No energy. Not sure why, or what the trigger was. But it sucks.

the new different route is good for well matched people, not good for having a group that deals with both fast and almost fast guys.

phone is having issues - i guess that's part of it - screen stays black and I don't know why... backlight is staying off and not turning on...  i don't have time for this bullshit

but it is what it is right. managable

everything else is weighing heavily, talks with syl brought up a bunch of emotional PTSD

interviews are happening - interesting being on this side of things for a change, also a bit stressful... and time consuming... I don't have time for this! Well I do but it means everything else gets pushed back and suddenly I'm scheduling 2 weeks out. And that's also stressful.

deep breath and move on - carry on eh?

one foot, another, another...

well time to act normal, something I guess I have practice with..

heddwch
G

Monday, April 29, 2019

intense

Yup, burning it at all the ends.

Saw one of the Jason's at the shop, his comment struck home. Yeah, it is a lot working full time and then all weekend. Yeah. It. Is.

I broke down and finally ordered go faster wheels for the crocket. big fat 25mm ID carbon wheels. Dumped way more cash than I am comfortable with but that's why I'm working on the weekend every weekend. Right? Sort of. Not really, makes it mean I need to do even more. Jumping up to a 38T ring from the 34 and tossing on a new BB, the old one is CRUUUUUNCHY - lemme tell you, these other BB's aint any better/more durable than BB30 bearings.

Should probably look for different tires for Sunday since it'll be swimming, not sure if I want to load up the fancy wheels for that or not. If I have time it might be awesome, but then again, I don't see many windows of opportunity between now and then.

And I'm still looking at trying to ride up to the start. Esp if this is the last one, RdR that is.

Yes - riding 55 miles to do a really hard 62 mile mixed terrain ride on a CX bike may not be super wise but i'm not. And it would be good training for the Coast to Coast.

Tuesday, April 23, 2019

not tonight

nope nope nope

tired - caught up a tiny bit on Sunday but not much and yesterday, oof, yesterday.

but that time to exhaustion or whatever the metric is that is a fatigue indicator? Yeah i'm hosed. AND

weather tomorrow is looking like the best window to get out on the bike all day, or at least to try and crank out a quick hundo.

No inspiration to hit a destination, no comrades who want to join, solo hundo eh? sure why not.

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

that didn't go well

Smackdown was a bust...  I couldn't hold the wheel on Woodlawn, not warmed up, legs feeling sluggish, and Leland's route is pretty much gotta be fully warmed up before you start kind of level. Woodlawn and then left on Prospect means you're climbing basically until Pine. Where as turning right on Prospect is pretty flat and possible to get into a rhythm and warm up after the initial blows on Woodlawn.

No matter the route my legs were pretty toast, my heart rate was low.. hmm it is as if a couple weeks of mounting fatigue are building up in me. Yeah, I need a day off, I need to sleep in when I intend to not because I'm so far gone that I can't get out of bed before passing out again.

Minor things though right?

So even the whole getting dropped early thing, well, I got a flat tire.

Heading up Read, suddenly riding on the rim. Mother fucker.

Oh well. Turns out the rim strip slipped a little during the KABOOM, same section of rim/tire and well look at that cute little edge of a hole lining up with the part of the tube not holding air anymore.

I re-set the rim strip (it lasted till i got home), and almost just turned around and packed it in.

But I didn't. I kept going. Slowly but still pedaling. Hit Rocky Hill the normal way. I didn't think I'd see them but maybe, I didn't. Did the Rocky Hill into Hillside up Pine and coming down I see Syl and Burke headed back my way. They had turned around before Read to see where I was and the three of us rode back the rest of the way together.

It was windy, started off just over 60 but was just over 50 when I got home. And really windy. Fortunately for me on the ride home, it was decent tailwind.

A bit of a bust of a smackdown. but maybe I'll make it out for the dirty smackdown on Thursday and have a bit more fun...

and maybe tonight I'll actually get to bed early...

heddwch
G

kaboom

Pull bike out this morning...

check tires, yeah maybe not, add a touch of air...

chuck seal is leaking (I have a new one, haven't replaced it yet)

add air

maybe more pressure than I have since installing the emergency back up tire
(Durano 28s had a hemorage in the casing - 10-15k miles kind of messes with stuff)

Riding in, lump, lump, lump, lump....

well fuck...

hopefully it doesn't get worse...

sitting in office, at my desk, catching up on emails...

BOOM

Bonus? Tube was full of stans

side of fridge is/was now. Fortunately it blew towards the fridge not out into the office

there's still a good mist of white latex all over the office

new tube

pressure a bit lower but not bad,

frame pump FTW

ready for smackdown?

i dunno - feel like getting some snacks

not feeling hungry

trying to load up on water/coffee/hydrated

but still tired

was going to leave early

get a warm up in before smackdown

nope

now gonna be touch and go if i'm there early or not...

heddwch
G

Monday, April 15, 2019

Unicorn day...

On the bike. Not just the 123rd running of the Boston Marathon.

E had a pretty rough time with it today, ran it sick (she was) and under trained (blind runner she was guiding was) but they stuck it out and finished. Maybe not the last but they survived a tough day, had some slow check points, but didn't quit, didn't give up.

Sunday, April 14, 2019

Not very good at this lately

The writing thing, somethings I'm okay at still. Not riding bikes more than back and forth to work hasn't been one of them. Staying sane and balanced hasn't been working well lately either.

I've tried reading a bit. Jack McDevitt's Deepsix was a nice fluff diversion but I'm not sure how into that universe I am, kind of formulaic. Entertaining I suppose, well written. Took a while to get through it.

Starship Troopers has always been tossed around as the original space war novel mixed with political and social commentary. This is only available from the library as an audio book. But I had just enough time building bikes and assorted other moments over the last week that I got through it. And well then I had to watch the 1997 movie. I'd never seen the film. Heard just how bad it was. Oh man it was bad. Really bad. But having just finished the book, I could see the depth there that was hiding and the compromises were needed for the film.

Thursday, April 04, 2019

Books bikes and life

Freaking being sucked along, bobbing like a barrel...  can't tell if it is just normal rapids like a river, or Niagra Falls, or the middle of a hurricane.

Pretty much totally out of control, but somehow still afloat and making due.

The trip to seattle with my dad was interesting. Too hard to put into words really what I experienced but maybe at some point? Or better in person but the reality is I need to get down my interpretation of events and figure this out, writing seems to be the best way to do it but, i've told the story enough since returning that I have it pretty well sorted out.

Monday, March 25, 2019

Time has sloooooowed down

(written and leaving unedited and unfinished as it was when i was interrupted when writing it in Seattle)

Well, no, time is going the same speed but my father seems to be stuck in a 10-25% real time speed loop.

It is a bit of a struggle, he can still manage to get some stuff done, but everything he can do he has to do really really really slowly.

Good to be here, yes, good to hang out with him, I think so. Sitting and not doing much is fine. I've cleaned the kitchen here, taken out the compost, sorted the recycling, not much else to do. The washer/dryer are too intimidating to tackle, although perhaps not really. Things have a place and I don't know where the stuff in the drier goes or what settings on the dryer the stuff in the wash uses.

We've got some sun that's out now, pretty decent outside, but we're inside, with windows.

He's been working on lunch for 90+ minutes, that's just the eating of it. The making took another 45.

Things are slow. He's there mentally most of the time. He is still super stubborn, and determined and seems to have an exaggerated estimation of what he can manage but could be the other way around and worse. My brother and his wife are saints and it is not easy for them,

Friday, March 22, 2019

Taking a break

Sort of.

Flying out to visit my dad, taking a break from the normal crazy and replacing it with the abnormal. Not sure what is going to happen, or how it is all going to work, but I think it is all mostly planned out, details have to be hashed and sorted, but the gross framework is in place.

I think it will work.

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

A weird realization

Since submitting the claim for the interest free loan i gave the government, I've kind of felt a freedom from anxiety. Strange. And reflecting on it the last couple days it has been a bit more than that - that even the worst (usually tax time is always that) triggers haven't been so bad. Like hmmm what is going on? Oh. holy shit maybe that's it? Brain chemistry takes a long time to sort itself out when perturbed. Could it be that all along the rise and build of the anxiousness was burned in and slowly engrained and amplified over time with ethanol? I suppose i should do a deep dive into the neuroscience literature but that sounds exhausting.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still pretty burned out, I'm tired, exhausted, I think I scheduled something for tomorrow morning but may not have had anyone actually scheduled during the time, as in I'll be sitting at the microscope myself because it got so crazy that I confused myself and the placeholder I made didn't work for someone I made it for and I made a second time but didn't delete the first but my inbox is so fucking insane that I can't track it by searching because i don't fucking know WHO was asking and key words are the same as thousands of other emails about training. 

I'll be there. If only to hang out in the microscope room alone for a while.

Friday, March 08, 2019

What is happening

to my sanity...  chipped away slowly.

and my time to write here - or read books...

poof...

had sat down to write but yeah that didn't work. Didn't even have time to eat lunch at a relaxed pace.

now it is 5pm and i'd hoped to leave early today... 

big new stuff happening here - hopefully i can relax when not here - i am booked solid every day until I leave. Actually pretty close to unprecedented.

oh well...

heddwch
G

Thursday, February 28, 2019

Snowblower running at 5am?

WHO DOES THIS? FIVE AM

SERIOUSLY? also sure thanks for hitting the plow berm in front of my house but I could have moved it (all powder) and I wouldn't have had to hear the engine running outside my window!

But then I fell back asleep. 2 hour delay meant I needed to get kid to school. Car magically started. And we didn't have to figure out how to get her there on a bike, in the snow with an unplowed bike path.

I had made a comment to David L that I regret. He's one of the famous heros of the path, one of the guys who ran a walk behind snow plow on a section of the path that doesn't have a safe alternative route. We were riding home or to work this week and I mentioned that maybe it is time to try the towing the tire behind the bike again, esp now with the E-Bike. Well the 2 hr delay gave me a chance to sleep in and cancel the morning sessions at work and well, lets see what happens. Grabbed a tire with a rim on it - way too heavy. Maybe I should have used that because the one w/o was a bit light. However the one without means if I had to I could carry it by hand for some sections. I had intended to drag the whole route but I also had intended to bring the charger home and start with a full charge.

The ride home on the bike was tuesday? Wound up with Tim and dialed back the power and had most of a full charge left at home. But I was still down to a 2 mile range when I ditched the tire this morning, not sure even a full charge at home would be enough to drag the tire there. Kind of an idea of how much work it was.

Through the powder it was hard but not terrible. Once I hit the wet sun melted snow and it started packing up and melting and sticking, i was in turbo mode, in the easiest gear (it has a big 40t rear cassette) and could barely make headway. Fortunately my big butt was heavy enough to keep the rear tire gripping the pavement. No slipping. So that was at least not frustrating.

I did a double pass early on, maybe good, maybe not. Def used up more battery, probably should have stuck to a single pass.

Will it make a difference? I dunno. We'll see. If it clears enough snow and lets it melt in the sun even though it is still cold out? Yes I think it will. it was fun at least... at least until it got frustrating. Maybe a better constructed drag plow would be more effective. Maybe I should do that.

So big anxiety issues lately have been taken care of, mostly. First I booked the ticket to Seattle. Going to head out to spend time with my Dad, but also to hang out with and support my brother a bit. See friends, maybe get a bike ride in out there. Not bringing a bike, maybe can get away with shoes and pedals, or just shoes. Still have to figure out timing when I'm out there but I bought the fucking ticket.

Then last night I sat down and did the taxes. Used some on line stuff that we've been using for years now, kind of bugs me paying for it but also feel better doing it that way. For as long as I can remember we've had to send a painfully large check to pay back the interest free loan to the Feds. After doing this last year I went in and used the calculator on the gov site and made a withholding adjustement, i guess i over did it, not going to have to mail them anything this year. Now I just have the anxiety of worrying that I screwed up something doing the forms. The kid in college is a good break, kind of surprising, but appreciated, esp given this administration. Oh well. I'll just take a deep breath and deal with it if there is an issue, no one is perfect and if i screwed up I'll own up to it and try and make it right.

Hopefully the tire is still there waiting for me and maybe the ride home won't be too bad. Temps are still at or below freezing but it is a sunny day and we'll get some good melt. Maybe a nice dragged tire clear patch on the way home!?

Gonna have to work on getting caught up with sleep before heading to seattle - both ends of the trip are going to be little sleep and looooong days. But still looking forward to it - a real vacation in a way.

what is a vacation anyway...  will def be odd to fly across the country w/o my violin.

heddwch
G

Tuesday, February 26, 2019

art - thoughts - missing something

The conversation I had with the photographer at the gallery closing reception for the staff art show has been lingering. I'm sure half of the stuff he was saying was well intended but not totally backed up...

but it has caused me to think more about the SEM stuff as images and photographs than just using a machine to harness and finesse electrons and coax them into an image...

thinking too much again eh?

Yeah probably, what's new.

Part of the line of thinking is dreaming about black and white digital sensors.

I always come back to either the Leica or the Phase One. One is a pocket range finder the other a true medium format. Both unmasked color sensors.

The advert copy for both is compelling.

Like that.

I also checked the rangefinder talk this time. kind of a holy shit moment. I guess in a way it clicked in that I shoot with the phone much like one does looking through the range finder camera. Awareness of the full surrounding - tweaking the composition knowing what's around where you're looking.

The fact that the language of photographers feels so clear and understandable means something I suppose.

And to be honest thinking more about the MFA idea. Sure, I'm old, I have no big pile of cash to dig into, I have no time, you're not supposed to work a full time job and then a part time job and also try to stay/get fit enough to do some competitive racing, and then add a degree on top of it.

I don't long for much, there's really nothing I can identify that I really want. This could maybe, if I let myself, classify and crystallize into something like that. I won't let it, because then if it doesn't happen long shot, like sling shot around the Moon and hit a bulls-eye hidden in the clouds of Venus long shot the resources exist to make both happen, I just don't have access to them. And no point being disappointed in failing to achieve the results.

Gotta go teach... 

heddwch
G

Sunday, February 24, 2019

finished it...

The February edition of the bad idea hundo or 6mohundo or whatever I endeavored to call this mess when I contrived the crazy plan to prep for Michigan.

Why not return to Michigan for a crazy adventure bike race? Fitting I think.

So yeah I got the Feb ride in. Not quickly, my bikes are slow, and I am untrained and slow. Durable? Perhaps, doggedly determined? For sure. But this was a very significantly easier feat to accomplish than my blunder in January. Although I would have liked to have a coffee and a doughnut at the mid-point yesterday. Sufficed to supplement my rations with a handful of Krysta's chocolate covered almonds at NBX in ganset. Should have maybe stopped at Iggys afterall.

I also just finished reading Into The Wild. Who the hell ever told me to read this, and then how in the world did I decide to delve into that book instead of another sci-fi novel is still a big confused in my head. I mentioned that I was reading it to CF "Doubting if I should have. But not regretting it." he replied "Yeah, I would not have recommend that one for you!"

There are mountains of reasons why, but many of those why I shouldn't read them are more along the lines of relating to it on a very personal level. It leaves me thinking a bit more introspectively than I have in a while. For the most part my lack of confidence and timidity and risk aversion keep me from wandering down Chris's path. But then, I grew up reading Tom Brown, I grew up knowing what plants to eat, what not to eat, college as a botanist should give some idea to support that. My stupid long rides mostly alone or with few others...

Never for a minute did I consider taking David up on his offer at NBX. He called in a ride and went to get pizza to wait. I was at the 75 miles mark (he was just under), in south county and 25% shy of my target. There was no question I was going to get back on my bike and keep riding. Even if it meant finishing the ride alone. And basically even the straightest shot, way more than 25 miles from home, but then 43.5 isn't really that much farther than 23. Except it is. Esp on a bike, climbing the spine of RI only to have to hit PVD and turn south another 5.

With a huge amount of fortune the wind held as predicted and we had a tailwind from Point Judith north. It was a big help riding alone, steadily up, and up and up into Coventry. And the ice we encountered on the bike path on the way out at the start of the day had mostly melted. I was late, left cash and ID and med card at home, turned around to get them, delayed my arrival to 7 stars on Broadway by 10 min. Met up with Cornelius and David there. Cornelius is a great story, one year many ago now, during one of the Hope street festivals when I was working at the 4th street shop, he wandered down looking for a bike, and a helmet. We hit it off, I guess, enough that he bought a pretty sweet trek 7.3. And discovered riding. That bike was stolen from work, and he replaced it, and then bought a road bike or two, and it has always been fun catching up whenever we see each other, on the street or in the shop. I saw him in december after hatching this plan and he agreed to come along with the January one. But he had to work on Friday. Since this was a rare weekend Hundo for me I sent him a FB message and well, he said yeah. Scott G joined in but only until we got down to the other side of Big River, he had to be in Boston for the evening and didn't want to be out all day. And David said he was good for a long ride. David brought is Gaz out of retirement, Cornelius showed up on his Domane 6 disc that he got this summer and Scott was shaking down his Circle A. I was on my old Black blue. Trusty, slow and heavy but familiar and good. Well not THAT good. The rear der is kind of fucked, either the hanger is bent or the der is and while i thought I got it straight when putting it back together, i think I might have rushed it or overlooked something, not sure. But it shifts just fine from 11-19 but 21-23-25 don't work. (or whatever the three cogs just below the 28 are - not going to look it up). Paired with the single ring up front there's really a big jump. Not nearly as crippling yesterday as it was riding to boston in January. And no - have not had time to get a hanger tool on there - finally replaced a broken spoke on the Crossrip and discovered the rear pads were down to the backing today - trying some metal pads this time - rotor measures 1.75, plenty of life.

So yah anyway - it was a good day, the ice was a bit of a hitch in the early avg speed, lots of slowing down for that for those 10 miles we were able to ride on the Washington secondary path. We jumped off and hit 117 until the road that goes past the general store, then wound our way south on some fantastic roads, jumped on Rt 3. Scott and C headed off on their way, C wanted to head over to wickford, he knows the roads down here and didn't want to commit to the whole Pt Judith thing and I think he wanted to ride more at his own pace. David and I headed out way and had a great afternoon riding and talking. But on that road to Pt Judith, he started to crack and fade. Cramp and feel out of it. But with the wind at our back and me following the breadcrumb north we rolled and rolled and finally rolled into NBX.

The ride home, alone, the roads were good, some were great but they were mostly up. I had eaten my two sandwiches, one cliff bar, had one bottle of coffee, one 3/4 bottle of coffee from a funky bottle, and just a few sips out of my third bottle with water in it. Add the almonds from Krysta and that was it. I had planned to eat a bowl of museli for breakfast but we were out of milk and yogurt. I had some Kehfir (is that Key Fur or Ku-Fear?) and some other stuff with the coffee. Really not that much for breakfast. The two sandwiches I made were 2 egg, 1 slice of turkey, some cheese on 7 grain bread. Simple. palatable and easy to eat and very stable in my tummy. At one at a Coventry fire station a couple hours into the ride (just after we were buzzed by a side blade plow). Ate a cliff bar at the Kingston train station, at the second sandwich at NBX and the final cliff bar on the Washington secondary. Finished my water somewhere after that. Pretty damn minimal provisions and even at the end I felt pretty good pedaling. But then again I'm carrying around 40-60k calories of excess fuel as fat (maybe less - but that's probably close enough) and I've managed to stay pretty well fat adapted.

It was dark when I got home, Matt B loaned me a backup light, mine was warning me with a low battery, while dark rolling through the city it wasn't a big deal.

Tired, but not really hungry, thirsty? Yeah I was a bit, but I did pee twice on the ride, not too dehydrated. Made some noodles, ate some cheese, drank water, watched an episode of The Expanse (S3), then some outside hockey on TV then tried to sleep. Not only did I feel better riding but I slept without the agonizing leg pain after the January one.

But man I am tired today. Only got out of bed when I did because my head was starting to throb in need of coffee at 7:30am, shuffled through the day, did some laundry, grocery shopping then made an attempt to start the volvo (it started, i guess it is fixed for a while) and headed up to the shop to catch up on the maintenance of one bike. I'll try and ride the rest of them on a commute and leave early and get the rest of the work done on the fleet on the way home. Lots to do.

For now i gotta pack up some lunches, drink some water and start trying to relax, going to skip the Oscars, maybe launch into another book.  Writing here hasn't been as consistent lately, work, riding, reading, stresses and the like are hounding me or leaving me in no condition to get thoughts down. Not sure any of this stuff I've written makes any sense, but hopefully at least I'll be able to look back and after a while remember what the fuck i'm referencing. There was a downside to the pedaling. Once I was alone my brain started revisiting all the shit I've been working to overcome. Not overtly negative impact but mostly just made me feel a bit sad. But maybe i needed that particular alone time to help move on.

Now I'm really gonna wrap it up ..

heddwch
G

Thursday, February 14, 2019

problem with upping the riding work

IE only riding the Crossrip+ once last week ... is that i'm doing more work, hungrier, but not doing enough more work to offset the increased appetite and i've been making not the best food choices... not terrible but i am finding money in my wallet and going to get food instead of saving that for picking up the six pack or the booze on the way home.

Adding to the added pedaling work - sure just commuting but it is also a wake up call to how much easier the assist makes the commute. And how much more work the single speed is compared to the Black Blue. I knew there was a difference but having such a huge delta makes the smaller changes more obvious I guess.

Hungry right now. I have a 40% CVS coupon, i could walk over and grab some snack food, but yeah, no. must. not. give. in.

But then I'll get home and be even hungrier. Part of it I guess is smaller lunch portions, less out of design and more out of we'll that's what is here to take for lunch, maybe it is enough. It hasn't been. Downside is even though lunch is smaller i'm snacking more. And that's obviously not good. Not unless I start riding even more. Trying to.

February is slipping away. I still haven't booked a ticket to Seattle, still haven't found the courage to do the taxes yet and see how bad it is, if everyone is saying it is worse than ever well i'm really not looking forward to it. I never am. I've mentioned already - get panic/anxiety triggers just thinking about it.

Been reading as avoidance, sure should do something constructive like taxes or kind of any list of stuff - but lately the energy levels once i've finished making dinner and dishes has been at the 'i can read' level, not much else. and last week i kind of got a revisit of the cold/sinus thing and was too wiped out even to read.

The last book in the Machineries of the Empire https://www.tor.com/2018/06/12/book-reviews-revenant-gun-by-yoon-ha-lee/ is amazing. To be honest the first one took me a long time to get through, and then it finally felt like it was getting somewhere. Book 2 was racing from the gun, a great engaging read, mostly due to how well the characters were set up in Book 1. Book 3? Also really solid and a faster read than the first one.

I've been trying to watch the Expanse but since no one else in the house wants to watch it - on demand is tough to wrest from the only device possible to watch it on. The others have typically occupied it with other intolerable (to me) content. Gonna take me a while to get through Season 3.  But hopefully that last book in the series will come out soon and I can read that.

The course is going well. but intense.

The gallery show was good. Not great. No sales, no follow up invitations for shows or what not, not that I expected it but i dunno how these gallery things work. I forget if I've written this already or not, but it sort of this pile hanging behind me. Conflicted as how to approach it and what to do next.  But I'm so occupied with everything else that I can't focus. I had some downtime at work yesterday, because I had scheduled a tower hill ride on my calendar. But we got snow and it didn't all melt and it sucked and I bailed on trying to get to work on the skinny tire bike. So being sick, eating too much, not riding quite enough, not good. Not bad. Not the direction i had hoped to go. But I am feeling better, stronger and that's a good sign, the rest can fall in place. That much I know. Esp if I can get out for the Feb Hundo. Timing is getting close. half way through the month and the long range isn't looking good. Going to have to do the block time off, hope for the best and pick and go. Solo or not. Where? Dunno.

But now I'm trying to get out of here now - back wheel lost a spoke. finally. last of the crossrips sold that hasn't busted one and been warrantied. I thought maybe i'd get away with it, but nope.

been more on twitter lately, less on other stuff - super busy here - tired everywhere else. But I also discovered there's a sparkling water thing up with the new coffee maker in the admin suite. So I've been adding another pile of water to the intake, maybe some of this extra is just water weight (yeah right). I'm also kind of tired of having to do everything for myself - no help. Dinner? gotta make it myself, coffee? yeah laundry? oh yeah i should do that too - but i've done it to myself. gotta live with it. just gets kind of tiring. never sitting down to a meal that someone else made? i mean at least I know it is cooked well. Well shit - got distracted - time to get outa here.

heddwch
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Tuesday, February 05, 2019

avoidance of the cheeto

https://vimeo.com/282586471

funny - too dark and personal in some ways to feel comfortable posting it on twitter, but it still made me laugh out loud...

and chuckle

busy - feeling better - wish i had a clear day today to get a Hundo in. Probably won't have another day like that in February. Oh well. That's not what Winter Hundos are supposed to be ridden in.

But man it would have been nice.

Took some cool photos this morning on the way in. I like em, people have funny reaction "dude you should totally do the photographer gig on the side you're good" and then I look at all my pro photog friends and i'm like, dude i am a 2nd rate hack compared to them. That and i don't have a clue how to market sell or monetize the nanoscape shit, much less taking fucking pictures of sunsets and lighthouses. Assuming you can monetize either.

At least one of them feels super unique and I know there are only a handful doing it at my level in the world. Unlike that photo stuff. I'm not being negative, just realistic. Not mad, sad or anything like that. But i'll still keep taking the fucking photos with my cell phone and sharing them.

because this place, this planet is fucking beautiful. No matter how ugly the politics get...








heddwch
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Saturday, February 02, 2019

and sometimes there's a bit too far

By Thursday I was toast. Cooked. Done.

I made sure of it on Friday. Figured start the month off not riding the e-bike. Didn't figure on taking 57 min to ride in and being completely fucking dead.

Sick. Sinus, achy, tired.

The riding last weekend was awesome. The week was great but absolutely completely taxing. I dug a hole i couldn't climb out of.

i've been pretty worthless today, barely woke up in time to catch the women's CX worlds.

Finished watching season 2 of The Expanse in convalescing mode. Finished reading Scalzi's Consuming fire. I skipped the soccer game, put on some hockey, feeling better but still leveled. Dead, fucking, tired. Kind of funny.

But not really. Need to make sure I get my shit together for Monday. Another big day. Need to do some shopping tomorrow, was hoping to maybe get out for a ride, hoping to get to the 1PVD viewing party but I think I'm going to probably lay as low I can again.

means maybe not pedal...

fucking tired, but need to pull my shit together and get healthy so I can ride...

and the little shit is building up again, those little anxiety tweaks, hopefully I can take care off enough of them tomorrow, today is pure recovery, lazy, indulgent, but honestly i'm pretty useless for anything else.

next time hopefully I won't dig such a deep hole

heddwch
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