feeling deeply introspective RN

Like full on fuck I need to write in a way I haven't in a long time.

But here I am on the phone, can barely read the fucking tiny words I'm swiping.

Watching a show is hitting me hard in many ways. Not being at CX races is amplifying it.

Can't mention the show until I've gotten through it. No spoilers.

But it's getting to me. In an unexpected way. Part of our is think about my own life, the experiences I've had. Things I've done. 

There's a lot of shit that is completely and totally different from everyone else. Singer stuff that everyone has done I've not.

Was thinking about the generation, the one that grew up with AIDS, with plenty of sex Ed but no discussion of consent, deep divisions and pressure to fit in with little room for individuality. Plenty of people found it and made it work. But, from my observations, they fit in well, but maybe just didn't care. Anyway. It also could just be me that's messed up and everyone else is fine.

Thinking about cyclocross a lot. Lamenting not having a team. The solo identity that I have, the guy in the jumpsuit, doesn't work anymore. Too long not around. The days of being the first to arrive and the last to leave, building courses for two days, doing lots of social media promoting, just making CX my life, are in the past.

They are memories, they aren't for naught, they aren't wasted. But they just don't seem to be the right here, right now.

It's tough.

Like last weekend. It was good, but it wasn't easy.

New scope is making shit insanely complicated and busy and stressful, and for what and for what. 

The woods were awesome today. Not fast but a good stay rhythm.

But I do miss the cyclocross family.

I also need to go the fuck to sleep...

Heddwch 

G

I really needed this

 A chance to get even busier than I would normally be.

It is also a good realization that I'm not well suited for managing. or I just give too much of a shit to manage people because I take it too seriously and worry about making sure I'm giving enough direction and enough tasks but w/o being too hands off or something.. but when they are new it takes time, esp in this line of work, to get to speed on the overwhelming amount of very specific and techincal shit.

But hey - it'll be good. If exhausting at the moment.

Saw this. I guess they have hydraulic gyros now... pretty cool

CX? maybe soon, weather sucks today and tomorrow. I'd hoped to get out on the JP55, maybe it'll still happen and maybe I should go ride in the rain. But Sunday is looking good and it is time to get out on the singlespeed. Getting soft riding the shifty squishy bike.

And the new microblogging site has sucked some of the creative outlet from here. If you want a bluesky invite code lemme know. Can hook a few people up now.

Okay back to working with the new kid (needed coffee) (watched the video this morning, just sharing now).

heddwch

G

Hit hard the other day

 Yesterday precisely. Went to check on Rochester results, and of course i went to crossreults first.

And then noticed that sometime between when I last checked and then that Midnight ride's results were posted. I'd been checking and checking so I could upload the Flickr Album link, but then gave up looking and forgot about it. 

And then I looked at the points I picked up there. Oof. Yeah it isn't pretty. Certainly is what I deserved for absolutely doing everything wrong. My head wasn't there for many reasons, one of which recently hit harder. Talking with Joy about her step-dad and seeing her IG post this morning saying he'd passed. And she didn't have the chance to go say goodbye in person. 

Thoughts of being gone have crept up more and more. I need to be better at working at "not my problem" but i also struggle with not wanting to be more of a problem. Anyway, it hit pretty close to home in a lot of ways. This, with her loss, then I finished reading book two and saw the little inscription and well fuck that caused me to lose it even more. Well. Life. It is what we've got. Also, BTW, I picture CFox as the lead character in those books. Not sure why but somehow he's the person I'm putting into that story.

David V mentioned I look like I've got my shit together. Then I realized people say I look good racing. It bugs me because I don't feel good. But that's been consistent. maybe I look good but man do I suck lately. It is tough. Esp since I'm not doing everything I can to be as fast as I could be. But I'm also not doing all that because I've made other choices and have to remind myself about them. Sure I have been creating art in some people's eyes, taking photos. I commute to work most everyday, I cook food I have worked hard to raise my kids, I really try not to be an asshole but fail so miserably when I do fail... But somehow people have said I look good, or it looks like it is good. 

Looks are deceiving. I've been on stage enough, I've had to work hard to act a part of  being normal, have been forced to hide my true self for a long time, so long that I'm good at not showing the fuck up I am. 

My back is currently fucked, couple reasons but the lack of hitting the trails on the singlespeed have made it worse, getting the double vax and getting wrecked by it and not sleeping normally with two painful shoulders was the other. But the MTB usually fixes this exact issue.

I took an aleve last night and it's mostly not hurting today. Kind of.

Watched this over lunch.
https://youtu.be/Gxr0f7PRj0g?si=2jVfw8J5zIxy98ZD

Big production value but also important shit. 

Chatted with Marc T at the end of the commute. Caught him, which was weird. Esp me riding the Singlespeed Surly. 

He made the point that none of the mid-pack or slower guys keep racing. Only the top, the pointy end does. Looking at the lead lap of the 50+ race in CX... I dunno, not sure I can even come close to not getting lapped. would be lucky not to get lapped twice. But then, what else should I expect?

I haven't trained for CX, I've barely ridden. I bought a new road bike and have really only done a TT, a long ride and a handful of smackdowns.

And the crank on the CX bike and the Road bike are both under the recall and if they start delaminating.debonding there's no replacement, we all know what happens when I run 177.5 cranks. It doesn't work for me. Why? No one can tell me. Few even can wrap their head around it enough to hazard a guess. 

I just don't know what anymore, what to do, obviously still haven't found the CX Mojo, or a muse.

Foot's still feeling less than 100% so I didn't go for a walk in the rain with the camera, maybe the ride home will present a scene worthy of exposing a few frames of film.

I just don't know. Do I hire a coach? Have someone write a plan? we've gone through this before. I know what needs to be done, and given that I don't have a power meter or a functioning trainer (fine I have the ancient cyclops but that's not great), i might as well just write myself a plan, it'll be as effective. or what? fuck it just ride bikes. 

dunno

really... dunno...

But hey AMOR FATI MOTHERFUCKERS

the show must go on, and I must prepare myself for a ride home in the rain.

heddwch
G

Smackdown

 Well, it went better than the race did. I ate food. I was able to pedal hard.

But then I looked at the Hillside times, and they are way slower than my fastest (in 2013 obvs) but I'm also 35# heavier now than I was then. And 10 years older. Makes sense I'm slower up the hills. 

It felt good and I made myself work. But I also ate much better through out the day, had a more effective warm up [thank i did on sunday.]

Took a little longer photo walk over lunch today. A little too far though. Pissed because I want to get down by the river, great street photo ops, people stuff, buildings, lighting, water, but it is a little too far for the foot. 

It isn't bad but it went from not being noticeable to oh, right. 

It is definitely getting better, but it ain't better yet and I'm guessing the walks aren't helping the healing.

AND i chatted with Harris on the way to Smackdown, we might be bringing back the Haines Park CXy time.

I should change and ride home. Been here late too much lately. But then I've been getting here late some days. Hopefully it all washes out in the end.

heddwch

G

That was predictable

 My race was terrible. I started off kind of slow, then got slower and slower. Just couldn't stay with people that I should have been able to stay with. Legs wouldn't go hard enough to get the heart rate up where it should be. Def felt leg limited not lung limited. So i guess that's something.
Also I think I was turning like a MTB'r, def not like a roadie but maybe I need to be more roadie turny, but it wasn't working whatever it was.
I put 27PSI in the tires, was fine in the front, but I was hitting rocks a dozen times a lap, and that was kind of unsettling and it didn't feel secure on the turns, not like floppy but like this shit ain't gonna hold sketch.

I did get to the race a bit early for my race. And I didn't pack a lunch. BUT i did buy two boxes of donuts at Bolton orchard. Ate 5 donuts between when I got there and my race. So should have been plenty of calories. Got there, got the number, hung out a bit, took a photo or two, then quickly got on the course for two laps before the 3/4, 40+ race. Then grabbed camera and took photos of that race. Then took photos of the Elite women's race. Then put camera away, pinned number on and planned to warm up. In the parking lot I saw JF and chatted for a while, instead of pedaling. Then pedaled, saw DV, chatted, then pedaled some more then raced. It was TERRIBLE. i was at least. COULD NOT KEEP UP. 

Shocking.

Best part of the day were the photos. Dumped em all here:

Look or not. I might be more excited about photographing the next race than racing it.

well i went and did it

 Signed up for a CX race on Sunday.

We'll see what happens. Mostly going because it is an excuse to go to Bolton Orchards before the race to get apples and some donuts.

Maybe I'll get lucky enough to snag a few warm packs.

Plan to get there early enough to play around taking photos, film and digital.

Will throw a low consequence roll in the Pentax, push the ISO up a step or two for speed (ACTION) and see what happens.

Just have to figure out what's going on tomorrow. Storm coming through, do I go to the shop? do I stay home? Grocery shopping? Probably no road ride given the conditions (windy).

I did get the Crockett all cleaned up this morning. It looks pretty good. 

Got the SECOND new to me Wahoo hooked up and a new speed sensor on the wheel of the crockett for CX racing (gps is bad in the woods, also is bad with CX course mileage).

Foot saga needs full documentation but I'm not even sure I fully know what the fuck is going on.

Other than I have Lymes and am on 3weeks of Doxy and trying to take even two pills a day is a pain, did I take them? I don't remember. Also because they are slightly off of the timing I take the adaptogen in the morning and the VitD and MagG at night (oh and now Iron because my levels are low - mostly also because my red blood markers suck and maybe this will help).

Dealing with all kinds of new and expensive things. Boats? Yeah might be boat owners. Nothing fancy just a single scull, but it is still 26' long and I ain't got anywhere inside to put anything that long. Storm coming? Where the fuck is that thing gonna go? Not my boat but might be my problem.

Colorado trip coming up soon. Taking more photos, getting used to the little lens, about ready to switch to the big one.

Wearing the watch this much seems to have aggravated my skin a little, but hey - i'm on Doxy and it kills the fuck out of anything... that the Keflex i was on didn't. Still, better either get a different band or maybe not wear it all the time. I like the sleep data, and the rest of the data, kind of fun. Maybe I should have added power to the Madone.

Smackdown actually felt pretty good on Tuesday. Hence me registering. Also because the race is at Lancaster and it is pretty damn flat and soft (assuming I don't have to run on pavement - and if I mechanical i'll probably just pull the plug vs trying to run to the pits. Not that I'll have anything in there. 

I should really go back and fill in the blanks since the last post and the blanks before that one.

We'll see. Time is less available than usual.

Or when I have time I'm too fried to write, or just editing photos is all i can do.

More later, hopefully

heddwch
G

It didn't rain

 Smackdown was dry, at least it wasn't precipitating. But it was so hot and humid that we were all just as wet at the end of the ride yesterday as we were last week.

It was a legit B ride. Could have been faster but was a nice sized group and still fast and hard but possible not impossible. 

Foot seems to be improving slowly. We'll see what the doc says tomorrow. 

Somehow got on this documentary. There's a close captions for the irish language spoken in it. Dennis Cahill had an important influence on my appreciation and perspective of traditional Irish music esp mostly because he was inseparable from Martin Hayes. 

And Martin's fiddle playing was key. He taught my sister a bit of how to play the irish fiddle, and just his style influenced me. and my incredibly infrequent playing. 

Funny thing, this morning I was riding in and heard someone trying to sing scales for practice in the neighborhood... and then somehow that triggered all the years of that for me and i found my key and sang a few scales... while riding.

It is an amazing documentary, the music is fucking amazing. so, fucking good.

But then there was an undeniable chemistry between those two musicians...

will circle back maybe... lot going on... busy...

heddwch

G

It is a tuesday pretending to be a monday

 A pile of stuff to unload, but of course I'm time crunched and right up against it.

So I'll put this here, maybe get back to this a bit later.

or not

we'll see

That and I often wonder if the few people I've shared this with over the last year or so have kept checking in or gone the way of most of the rest of the blog readers? If feels like the audience is about the same size as the bloggers, tiny.

And I'm okay with that. Just curious.

heddwch

G

AND TO TOP IT OFF

 I realized this morning that unless this foot heals up super quickly...

CX is not going to happen.

AGAIN. or at least not till late in the season. 

Riding is better than walking but riding is different than the impact of cyclocross stairs/dismount/barriers stuff. 

Riding isn't perfect for it, but the CX-7 shoes are way better than the CX-3 shoes. Not sure why, shape or stiffness or something. 

So yeah. Just fucking awesome.

I know I don't advertise that yesterday was my birthday much/at all. But what was noticeable was the complete lack of recall from a few people with birthdays on the same day that I always reach out to say HBD to but didn't this year to see if anyone remembered. Of course they didn't. 

Handful of other friends that have been about as reliable and welcome with wishes over the years, and usually a bright spot in the day... didn't, probably for lots of good reasons, middle of the week, so much going on. I'm used to it. But was kind of curious how distinctly absent it all was this year.

Whatever.

That day is behind and I can move on until next year when the same thing will happen and i'll be depressed for a week leading up to it and probably fighting a completely new and novel acute turned chronic injury that will make year 4 in a row of stupid shit keeping from stuff.

Gonna go sort out a few things, check progress on others, the grab some ice and water and soak my foot for a bit.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

G

Test of Time

 

Words to the song:

Celebrate another trip around the sun

Maybe you are feeling it

Naked to the waste with the paper

More time I am just searching

All waking day I've been up to nothing

But I snore like I have been working

Really fussy with food and never complain

Do any drug any stranger gives me

Music from the past

The eagle fans out west to climb

Beauty doesn't last

Evil stands the test of time

Around that energy every night

Don't smoke food get second hand high

Come from the center of this little island

Come from the memory of love lives

Come from the empire where the sun never dies

I come from the empire where the blood never dries

Celebrate another trip around the sun

Maybe you are feeling it

Sun is the colour of the palour of love

Or am I deeping too much?

Mixed up and discussed with a knife and fork

Mixed up in discussions of a life that's forked

Witness as that 60 quid dress turns into 60K in child support

My head has so many tabs open

Lines of inquiry that ended somewhere

But life keeps reminding you like adverts embedded

In the other thing your killing time doing

Celebrate another trip around the sun

Maybe you are feeling it

Naked to the waste with the paper

More time I'm just searching

All waking day I've been up to nothing

But I snore like I have been working

Right this is in me, this full kicking juice

Mike Skinner singing the mule skinner blues

Nothing but cry from the bottom of the bottle

Don't wolf whistle me, please!

I've put on the my cleanest dirty trainers

Like Kris Kristofferson's me

I come from the center of this little island

I come from the memory of love lives

I come from the empire where the sun never died

I come from the empire where the blood never dried

Celebrate another trip around the sun

Maybe you are feeling it

You want to be shaking in the car

Or floodlit in the spot

Do you want to be hated for what you are

Or loved for what you're not

Celebrate another trip around the sun

Maybe you are feeling it now that it's done

Take it to the future, make it into new times

And don't ask for signs and then ignore the signs

Music from the past

The eagle fans out west to climb

Beauty doesn't last

Evil stands the test of time

Celebrate another trip around the sun

Maybe you are feeling it

Celebrate another trip around the sun

Maybe you are feeling it

So here I am. Today.

No ride.

Shitty weather.

Woke up way too early. Tried to fall asleep but had a dream that bugged me awake. Fucking watch tells me how it is. Very little deep sleep. Tied to Tuesday night smackdown?
Perhaps.

Tuesday night was supposed to be dry.

It wasn't.

Myette showed up. Small group of people showed up. Basically an A ride. Pretty steady and good. I hung on until part way up Pine of course. Started getting gapped and then totally gapped. Frenchie sat up, he says he couldn't keep it up, too fat, maybe, or maybe he looked back and saw me gapped and sat up to ride with me. We eventually picked up JasonP and the three of us did a full on team time trial. Really really hard ride, on the limit. I pulled a bit too hard at one point and they both eased off so I could get back on. Hillside sucked but I made it up and we all rolled back together.

Not too far off the super fast guys pace. But we worked really hard and it was good.

Even if it was wet.

Had a good chat with Matt before and after, also with Christian after. Finally rode home in the dark. Ate a salad. Finished a bag of chips. Went to bed.

Dark cloud hanging over my head and the skies.

Caught some of the fog on the way in, check the IG for the photos. Shot a few frames with the film.

Edited and shared, check the slicking job running and it actually looks fucking good. I hope there's some of the stuff we're looking for in the data.

Not super motivated. Surprise surprise. 

we'll see how the rest of the day goes. 

trying to stay busy to keep from thinking

but ya know

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch
G

of fucking course

Weather looked shitty.

Said fuck it and started a much delayed and needed project that requires two consecutive days at work. Why take a vacation day if I'm not riding all day.

Get the job started. Look at the weather. 

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Like for real?

What's the fucking point. Fuck.

And off course it was a little wet riding home to swap bikes for Smackdown. 

GUESS THE MADONE IS GOING TO GET DIRTY ALL OVER AGAIN. DAYS WITHOUT RIDING IN THE RAIN BACK TO ZERO 

le sigh

G

forget f5'n the weather

 Tomorrow's fucked.

Might as well save the vacation day, get some shit done and turn my phone off and deal with it.

Not sure even if Smackdown is happening tonight.

My foot is super fucked still. Almost better than Saturday at the shop it got all bloated and itchy and now my right ankle is 2x as big as my left and painfully achy. Could be from the hit back in July then the walking in France. But it isn't better. Yesterday's photo walk didn't help but it was already bad so fuck it.

And now my doc can't see me till next week. Maybe it'll be better. Probably not. 

No CX practice. Probably need to rest it until it is better instead of spending a day on it making it worse.

Oh and my eye is angry and irritated. Real banger of a day.

I'd have thought about maybe going for a ride in the woods after the storm passes... but one of the birthday MTB rides I smashed my head pretty good and really don't feel like riding alone tomorrow. 

So much for film photos of the birthday ride.

And no.

Can't do the ride a different day. Doesn't work like that [for me].

Tomorrow or nothing. Yes, that's stupid, but fuck it. I make the rules on this.

I gotta get back to distracting myself with annoying shit to fix and deal with.

And yeah yeah yeah Amor Fati Motherfuckers...

heddwch
G

F5 the weather

 On endless repeat.

There was hope a few days ago. Now?

Looks like it was good to go fully and totally into the well of reserves and push past yesterday on the mt bike.

Because Tuesday looks like a washout.

But worse? Wednesday looks shitty too.

Like, what the fuck am I supposed to do, level shitty.

And of COURSE it is bugging me and i'm already moody and depressed about it

Like, when the whole day for the past 12 years has been focused around riding all day... I guess I should be positive and say hey, in the last 12 years you've had great weather or had other complications that kept you off the bike (department retreat where i was at a big party but no one said happy birthday, you'd think they'd make a point of knowing when employee birthdays were).

BUT I KNOW I SHOULD BE FINE WITH IT RAINING BUT FUCKING HELL 

And yeah, honestly I'm thinking fuck it just go ride MTB slowly alone in the woods, in the rain, till I'm tired and then come home. 

Dunno what to do honestly. Kind of hung up on the age mileage, thing, 50+ in the dirt, 100+ on the road, but I guess, fuck it i could wake up take it easy, load up and go ride in the rain. Maybe park in the middle of BR like at Hopkins hill and do all the trails on one side and the other and have a spot to refuel. Carry two bottles and just ride. Maybe the Singlespeed? I don't know. Really not keen on riding alone, but woods in the rain is better than road in the rain, and the woods and trails I know best are pretty much unaffected by rain, if not better (more difficult to ride).

I just don't fucking know.

And now it is impacting my productivity. I'm a distracted mess.

Maybe I should just take the whole week off.

Except I can't, well I could but it would fuck way too much shit up for me to okay with. Although I'm not sure why I can't just be okay with it. 

And no. Doing the ride the day after on the 31st when it is all clear (and windy as fuck) isn't the same.

Guess I'll got back to F5'n the weather and try to get through all this shit to do.

I KNOW I KNOW 

AMOR FATI MOTHERFUCKER

but still

le sigh

heddwch
G

Okay that was more like it

 Still got dropped on Pine, but only about half way up and didn't lose sight of them until I got to the top when Graham drove the pace back over 25 on the backside. That time differential when I'm still going up the last rise on Pine and the group is already going 2x as fast is close to insurmountable.

But I wasn't last this time, not by a good margin, and had French Frank to chase. Caught him on Homestead, he jumped in my draft and I made use of the new bike and cranked that shit solo and hard. We caught up with Frenchie (different guy) he'd been dropped and he jumped in and I finally had to pull off and let Frank take a turn. We made the next turn (new August loop no rocky hill) and I went back to the front and drove the pace to the base of Hillside when Frank took over going up. We caught up with another dropped rider going up Hillside and there were now four. Made it over Hillside, hard right on pine and again I went to the front, drove the pace from there, through the left turn and then all the way to the track. Wasn't the fastest time but I was in the front the whole fucking time. And it felt not bad. The Pine to walker run wasn't my fastest but I think the fastest time was sitting in the draft while a handful of people took turns driving the pace, and it was in 2016. I felt pretty good for doing as well completely solo, I did more or less completely fade just before getting to wheeler. Frenchie took over, and then Carlos set a solid pace up Walker and I was able to actually sit in because the bike turned so easily and so much faster than everyone else. Sat there until Frenchie and Frank went up and but I dug deep and legs reposnded.

MUCH better feeling than last week.

And it didn't rain. Still a good bit of work to do. Using the garmin watch to track HR and sleep is kind of helping a little, still more on the data collection side than the put a plan into action side but they are slowly coming together. Lotta work to do. 

And yeah i rode the Madone to work today, recovery on the same bike that induced the stress. I think the Crockett (rode that on Monday) needs the saddle raised a little. I think that new carbon post slipped a little.

Yes, you can ride a CX bike on the road but holy shit is it not the same. Handling, so different. Yeah, this Madone is way overkill for me but I honestly really like how it rides. And I'm grateful I can appreciate the differences. It is a good feeling. 

Had maybe planned on using a vacation day from here and heading to the bike shop tomorrow to spend the day and go for the shop ride at the end of the day but a busted scope and lots to do are complicating the week here and keeping me around. Had a moment of hope that I could get out in the morning but have to be here so something else will have to be sorted out.

MIGHT have an idea for new wednesday maybe... fingers crossed. 

Some good content out there, becca's leadville vlog, and then there's this that DV shared on Bluesky yesterday. That I just watched, then just before finishing had a long talk with an undergrad about life, about choices, grad school, science...

And then I finished watching and there was the nugget I needed. That point of him being happiest when death was imminent. I think about MLFN and how he was in the face of a certain and soon death. How his will to live and love of live was more than seemingly could fit in one person. 

If everyone could live with that purpose and love, how amazing would the communities be. 

More to think about, life is a terminal sentence. You don't need to die an honorable death to lead an honorable life full of purpose and compassion.

I came across this quote from Norwegian Wood this morning:
"That’s why you need to grab whatever chance you have for happiness where you find it, and not worry too much about other people. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a lifetime, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives."

Not worry too much about other people is what I get hung up on. To some point yes, you can't worry about others in pursuit of your own happiness. But also simple rule of be kind should also guide your choices.

Back to steph's rule of life "The choices you make" are yours alone.

So we carry on, we do what is good, and if we're lucky we'll find happiness. before we die and cease to be.

heddwch
G

This one too

 Okay so posting it before watching because I'm going to eat and watch.

But it is Cami B. Gotta be good and worth watching.

Just so good

 This was a good thing to watch.

And now starts a new chapter

Just saw this...  Apropos of nothing 

“It's a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you're ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now. And you may as well do it now. Generally speaking, now is as good a time as any.”

― Hugh Laurie

So now what?

Had a moment, listened to the wrong song, looked at cross results points...  it is bad. I am slow. Lost what little cycling fitness was hiding under the stress and fatigue walking and sitting in France and all the stuff coming back.

But then RTK popped in to bluesky and said we're w/in 5 points of each other and now, kind of more motivated.

Somehow. 

Motivation is a weird thing. 

Kid drop off at her university went well, coaches were there to greet right off the bat, we got everything schlepped up 5 floors. I took some photos, posted them, ate lunch at a dining hall, walked around, looked at the merch, left kid with her people. Drove home.

What a crazy start, and how excited can I be for her? I'm as excited and as I am proud. 
Watching this, hell, who doesn't want to go to college again? esp as a place like this:

"Slow down and fix things"

"Time and space for careful reflection"

I guess link it up to the start, slow down and fix things, but also don't be afraid to start. 

It is a long talk, but the weather is nice and I can imagine the kid sitting there listening, wondering how she's filtering and absorbing the talks. 

Arguments are only won by giving your opponent a hearing. Hmm

Not sure what the rest of the day brings here. I should ride more, ride with more intention, need to focus on something. Probably should sign up for a race or two. Should plan the ride for the 30th. I wonder if I'll be able to get anyone to ride with me, hope so, we'll see, i've given up having hope on that side of things. 

But planning, figuring out, all part of the process. It is weird being near the end of august and having august being the lowest mileage and time month cycling of the whole year. Not a great sign for cyclocross season for someone who responds better to volume than intensity.

Do I have a good idea what I need to do? Yes. 

Do I have a clear idea of how I'm going to make it happen? Not a fucking clue.

Time to take a photo walk I think. still haven't loaded film into one of the other cameras. Maybe Wednesday. 

Need to plan out the week and get things lined up in case the system at work gets fixed in time.

Wearing this garmin watch has been interesting. Tracking sleep mostly but the rest of it, the movement, the steps the stairs...  the move. the stuff...  Data, all just Data but is it helpful? Dunno yet. Not enough data.

Getting used to wearing it though.

Time to walk, then eat, then get to the rest of the list for today. Productive with a brief interlude.

heddwch
G

When plans go pear shaped

 Sunday's plans were to just have a quiet slow morning (and wait for the storms to pass), drive down to the shop and replace the spoke and then go for a shorter easy MTB ride in Big River on the way home.

First part was easy to do. 

And went really well. Was delayed by a shopping trip that used the car I needed to take but I kept my foot elevated and wrapped for that time. Got all the bike stuff packed up, had a good long chat with the oldest about the early stages of transitioning, yeah, not a secret but also not something that gets talked a lot about, and I wont but the most important part is we had a good long chat about the state of the UCI ban and what lead up to it as I see it and the vague impressions most people have because they don't understand the science or don't want to and the science isn't quite robust enough to dispel uncertainty and fear. 

Packed up stuff for the MTB ride, AND I FOUND MY LITTLE MINI PUMP, no more riding around with the hip pack and no way to inflate a tire if I needed to.

Cleaned up the Top Fuel (shifty squishy bike). Brake still rubbing a little, maybe I'll look at that when I get to the shop if the spoke replacement goes well.

Finally headed down, needed fuel, gas prices were 20-30 cents higher than the station by the house, usually the other way around. I think I can make it to the shop, to Big River and then back home. Barely. Lets risk it (and drive slow to maximize fuel economy).

Headed to the shop, found a spoke that works (4mm shorter than what the  build specs were on the tech document.. IDK), re-used the tape. Yup. I did. We'll see if that was a bad idea or not. It is a double layer of Stans. The sticky was a little worn, but seemed to holding air.

And then it was time to tweak that brake. Rubbing is okay but not great. 

Grabbed a flashlight after a while to try and judge the gap. and noticed there wasn't much between the pad and the backing plate. Hmm. Pulled the pads to inspect. Well fuck. It literally was a few microns away from the spring touching the rotor. That's how worn it was. And the spring might have been thinned a little because it didn't like going in or out and that was it. Donezo. 

Okay I'll just put new pads in.

Except nope. No A2 or T2 Hayes Dominion pads in stock. Q has zero of either in stock. BTI has the A2 but not the T2. T2 are alloy backed and nice and light. A2 are steel backed and well, I'll take ANYTHING but nope, nothing. 

Ordered a set of A2, put the T2 on the watch/want list. Fortunately the order was going in yesterday so I have a chance of riding the bike NEXT WEEK. But not this week. Although, next week, hmmm. Shit.

That's move youngest into college weekend. Maybe no bike riding.

Loaded bike on the car and just drove home. Put my feet up for a few minutes then cooked dinner.

No bike ride.

But I guess maybe no bike ride is better than single speed ride that destroyed me in prep for Tuesday.

I really wanted to ride the Madone this morning, but CF says it isn't a commuter bike. So I didn't ride it.
BUT the weather tomorrow looks like shit. Not sure how that's going to go but maybe I'll ride anyway because I haven't had a rain free ride (that wasn't a commute/shakedown) on the Madone. Why start now? It isn't really a rain bike but fuck it sure is acting like it now.

Singlespeed surly this morning but kept the cadence up. Some knucklehead had all the blinky lights on today, just a tiny bit faster than me on the Surly and then he turned around at the end of the path and headed south. 

Felt good pedaling. Maybe tomorrow will be okay. 

It is also really weird wearing the watch all the time. But the sleep metrics are interesting and last night kind of nailed it until Millie woke me up early. She needed some water and to go outside. So today started a bit earlier than planned.

Maybe tomorrow's forecast will clear out and look good. Maybe.

heddwch
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Back and crushed

 Well, made it back and I went right to work the next morning. 

Good idea or bad idea, not sure. But it was a crazy busy couple days, then Friday off. Had plans to do shit Friday, maybe go to the shop, but then I just was exhausted. 

Doc took a look at the issue with my foot, something is fucked up but nothing serious, but it will need time to heal and I need to keep my feet up and off them as much as I can. And I'm tired. 

So Friday I stayed home, then went grocery shopping because the pantry and fridge were empty.

Thursday morning I set up L's old VivoActive 3. The one she lost so completely that we bought a replacement, two months later she found the old one. So I finally decided to try it out. Mostly for HR and sleep metrics. It is a little weird sleeping with it but I think having some data to go off will help. Or not.

Like last night. Got a decent night sleep but was still tired, of all the time only 46 minutes were deep sleep. Almost double that in REM and most of it all in light sleep. How it measures? I dunno but even if it is off it is probably consistently off and reasonably reliable. 

But I still woke up tired and just out of it so, pulled the plug on the bike shop. Just kind or relaxed and putzed around, watched the Men's XCO. That was crazy. Helped sort stuff out for college shopping, then everyone went off for that, I stayed home. Very strange TBH. I'm never home, esp two days in a row. 

But I'm tired of being tired. So I'm working hard at catching up, making tough choices. 

We did finally buy tickets for Colorado, missing Parents Weekend, Rowing Parents welcome party, Head of the Housatonic, Night weasels, MRCCX, and who knows what else, but the memorial service is important.

Spent too long looking at Car Rentals. How the fuck do you choose one? I am such a travel rookie. 

There's a hornet nest in the wall by the car, I stuffed a bunch of peppermint soaked cotton balls in the cracks, they didn't seem to like it, maybe it'll get them to move or abandon that nest. I'd rather not spray it down with bee killer.

Finally went to address the busted spoke in case the weather clears and I can ride the easy bike tomorrow. Got the rotor, cassette off the tire off, peeled the tape back got the nipple out. Pulled the spokes I thought were the right size out...  too long, esp with the nipples I grabbed. The factory ones have a longer section w/o threads and sit 2-3mm shorter than I can make work. So well, fuck. Need different spoke. And so I either put it all back together or leave it apart. I dunno what. Might try and get stuff back together. Put the wheels and cassette back on the Klein. start taking the Paramount apart. Fix the rear flat on the Black Blue (commute with gears on dry days bike).

Will save cleaning the CX bike for another time. 

The trip was amazing, my kid is amazing, I'm proud of what she did. Her boat is also getting all the media coverage, a very photogenic boat. 

I'm tired of being tired. But it is weird to try and not do much, to try and rest. So fucking weird.

I wonder if the drinking created that space of forced chill and relaxation, even if medically induced. And yeah plenty of people suggest I go for a bit of the legal weed and self medicate with that but I'm leery of it and don't really want to temp the addiction pathway with something. Should be able to figure it out without it. Maybe.

Or maybe I'm just getting old. Mike talks a bit about it and it hit home. Yeah yeah all his shit seems to hit home for me. I dunno, he's just writing for me or something.

I suppose I've been sitting long enough. Move says the watch. Get up and finish what I started with the bike even if that means putting the tire, cassette and disc rotor back on the wheel to make it easier to bring to the shop. 

And that flat. And those wheels, Not sure where the partially dissasembled P-mount will go. Gotta figure that out.

too much to figure out...  

still...

always...

and next week is gonna be nuts. le sigh...

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

Heddwch
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so, the trip

Still not home yet. Travel tomorrow.

Worth it? Yes. Expensive, unquestionably, not sure how this is all going to impact stuff but, hey, whatever. Kid leaves for college less than two weeks after we get home.

Finished reading fevered star on the phone. Was good. Really really good. Reading on the plane > listening. If I fall asleep reading the page stops there. If I fall asleep listening. Right?

Maybe I mentioned it. But had been good to read a bit, even if on my phone.

Most of the content for the week I put up on IG and blusky. If you want an invite code to blusky lemme know. IG stories are all in a highlight so you can watch them all in order.

So much walking. Not sure what it will be like to get back on the bike will be nice to eat food at home again. So nice. Eating in Paris can be expensive, but not really that much different than Boston or NY, and there are plenty of placing in PVD at the same price point.

L did well, had a fabulous experience, raced her best. Beat expectations and hey what better race to have as your final junior competition than World Championships?

Been a once in a lifetime or first in a lifetime experience and worth it 

More later,

Heddwch

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