A short video

 

Andy's series have been great. Very emotional story telling. Well done.

Get's ya thinking a bit.

Or it did me and ya know I don't need any help.

It has been a strange week, getting the class under way and sorted out was huge. Still a few terrifying bits hanging over my head but they aren't actually scary just work and uncomfortable work and tough to sit down and do.

I opened blogger up and it defaulted to one of the other blogs I've got and I freaked the fuck out, what is this. Oh. Right. That's better.

Writing hasn't been the most consistent thing for me lately. 

But leaving the tab open with Katy's story on it was a prompt not to close it all before dealing with it and getting to it.

You should go listen to Shadow Speaker. Yes, Listen to it. Get the audiobook (library, spotify, audible, wherever) and listen. Very very different than reading it, unless you're from Nigeria/Niger. Worth hearing this book read. I feel that way about all Nnedi O's books. 

Many other books I'm fine hearing in whatever voice my imagination puts to the words but these are special, different, good juju.

Still haven't gotten the Top Fuel running yet. Maybe tomorrow. I did get the familiar warning that I have to take vacation time or lose it. Have blocked a few days off this month. But not sure I can block off enough and take enough time to not see the same problem at the start of the next month. Repeat until retirement or job change is my guess.

Okay

I'm gonna go scan in some film from 1994 (that I took in France) because there are a few cool photos in the negatives and I think I can get it done before the next meeting (and I am tired of doing paperwork and need a break other than this).

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

Oh and this

 This is what I had actually started the  blog post to share.

To bring up the point that I like this kind of shit and that maybe it is not in small part because it reminds me of Pure Sweet Hell and Mike F's narration in it.

That chill, thoughtful and understated narration style.

Maybe you'll enjoy this too...  or not...

Three weeks later

 (okay picture the title as one of those sponge bob signs)

Yeah what the fuck happened to the time?

Dunno. Yet here we are. Classes started my course is a mess already, I screwed up the dates and published it and then had to take it back down and edit it and republish it. 

Taking some film. Posting on the bluesky place.

Taking black and white photos like this:

Doing the film thing (they should be posting over on the IG - which should still work as a link from here)

And mostly just being exhausted by commuting on the snow and ice this last week plus.

Just accidentally ate a whole sleeve of Trade Joe's newtons. Fuck me those were suppose to be an afternoon snack that lasted two days.

haven't had a chance to put the 12sp XT stuff on the Top Fuel. Was going to take tomorrow off but one of the Grad students I worked with a bunch is defending their PhD so, I'll stick around. Maybe go down on Saturday? Who knows.

I had an idea. A great idea and one I think, given some time and structure, could do well with that might be interesting to four or five people...  do a book on what it has been like shooting film for 12 months after taking a break for a couple decades. There's enough good photos and I think a solid progression from the first. And there's a pretty okay story going through each camera and talking about both the camera and the history of it along side the photos I took and the different black and white film stocks. And the saga of the scanner. Less of a how to and more of a this is my story. 

Would have some great photos.

But I don't even have time for important project and the really important stuff is so anxiety inducing and difficult that I keep putting it off and that's making everything worse. Not to mention I've really not slowed down much or had much of a break. It's been... how you say, tough.

It hasn't been all bad, things are going well, everything is okay but at the same time busy and not easy. Insert some oft repeated phrase about adult life being "let me just get through this week" until you die.

Sigh.

I should get in heading home. Rain's coming and I might be able to get home w/o being totally drenched. It still is in the mid30s but maybe the ice will be soft enough that I can ride on the bike path all the way home.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

Heddwch
G

What a way to start

 I did get a great ride in, if a little short, and easy because fred was tired and on his singlespeed.

So that was nice. Tuesday got the car over and inspected and actually was able to get the 50k service done at the same time instead of having to come back on Thursday. Drove L around for a few things, can't remember what at the moment because it was all displaced by wednesday. 

The day that was going to be relaxed and then a drive to New Haven and then a stop at the camera store in Westerly and then the bike shop. I had finally maybe gotten the Leica R3 and the SP working properly. I'm not sure about the light meter on the SP but NOW I CAN SHOOT WITH IT ON so should fuck up as many shots. Anyway, had spent a bit of an hour or so after coffee Wed morning working on the cameras and L goes down to get her laundry out of the dryer and I hear "DADDY THE BASEMENT IS FLOODED" first thought is there's ankle deep water. But no, not that bad, yet.

The water heater gave out/sprung a leak and was pissing water out on the floor. From somewhere not sure where but it must have been near the top cause we couldn't quite completely shut the water off to it. It ensued in a long crazy chain of events. My brother and I had put the old one in back in 2013. We had to open a Home Depot card to pay for just the tank but between the two of us we got it in (mostly my brother). And fortunately the one we put in was almost identical in gas inlet and pipe height. Maybe a little taller. But shark fitting and boom. Done. Well it was a bit more involved than that but more or less kind of just that. Done.

I called him and he sent me the contact info for his plumber. I've met him a few times working on jobs with my brother but never had the resources or the critical need to call on one till now. He couldn't get there the same day but he said he could get there tomorrow and marshall said have him do it. There was still a lot to deal with in the basement so instead of driving to New Haven we got a train ticket for the kid. I was actually looking forward to the couple hours hanging out and chatting in the car ride there and then starting a book and camera bike shop stops on the way home. But instead of being gone for 5-6 hrs I dropped her off at the station and came home and got back to work. I was wrecked at the end of the night and hadn't even replaced anything. 
It started a purge through. Recycling can is full and the garbage is also full (lots of wet stuff deemed not worthy of saving). 

Fortunately it was only the utility space and part of the carpeted area. but we now know where the low spots are. Last flood we caught it before it got into the carpeted spots. This time? not so much.

But it is friday, heat has been a few degrees higher to help with the drying, furnace has been on recirc and fans have been on the carpet and I bought a dehumidifier this morning to top it all off. They are expensive, but then again so is having a plumber come in and replace it.

Worth it, every last penny. The new water heaters are all different even though it is just a 40 gallon short natural gas unit. More insulation, gas at a different height. So what would have been major work for me was trivial for the plumber. A couple valves were fucked up (including the gas shut off one) and actually the house shut off one. He didn't replace that but he did get it working after blowing a couple gallons of water everywhere, new wet spot.

But he got the new one in and the old one out in way less time than I could have even thought about it and he ran into lots of issues I'd have been hard pressed to solve. 

After that we did a big shopping run then a look for dehumidifiers, came home w/o one, then looked online, and so I went back out this morning. 

There's a LOT of stuff that needs to be organized and sorted out, and it has taken up a good bit of the time this week. Big wrench in the plans. 

I really wanted to get in to the lab to use the scanner and get this roll of film digitized, maybe grab the extra monitor and one of the old fans. But that didn't happen. 

Was thinking about riding in, getting on the bike today and doing a commute, but THAT didn't happen either.

This whole thing hasn't helped with the anxiety and depression much, but it has pushed a lot of the dark cloud away just by doing and having a priority task to focus on. 

So much to do, no bike riding on break I guess. But we have hot water. Maybe next time we'll look at tankless, or something fancy and new and super efficient. 

I had initially planned on heading to the shop, get the BB sorted on the Crocket, do the recall inspection on the Madone and check the FD shifting with Ben's help. 

Also need to do the BB on the Stache, and get the drivetrain switched over on the Top Fuel. Lots of bike work to do. And there's a big storm coming on Sunday or so they are suggesting. There's a lot happening next week. A lot. Oof and then it gets worse. 

Maybe it'll get better at some point. Grateful I was able to pay for a pro to do the water heater this time. 

Grateful the water incursion wasn't worse and grateful for how it has shaped out. But I'm also tired. And Erin seems to have gotten sick (no, not covid, just a headcold, maybe RSV, dunno, but not covid, not flu, could just be bad cold, who knows).

So no pedaling, but just trying to be productive, at least I got a better chair for the piano desk before it got burried trying to move the dry stuff out to get at the wet stuff. 

One of the things I picked up on the emergency supply run after the train drop off was four big totes. They're full already. One temporarily but the others have been put into use. Need to work on purging more and organizing. But wow that wet dry shop vac saved the day. Filled it up three or four times. 

And now we have a decent humidifier to help the shoulder seasons when the furnace isn't heating or cooling and the air gets wet down in the basement.

Minor steps. Adult steps. Also, recognition of how lucky we are to be able to have hired professional help, first time kind of like ever really. Frustrating how broke we've been for so long, it would have been nice to have had a salary where I could have paid a professional to do the stuff before now, but even not I there's a list of shit I need to do that I should really pays someone to do but yeah, not going to happen yet either. Yay to the exploitive grind economy. Boo that what I'm really good at and found myself a career in is really low paying. But has great benefits and I am able to commute by bike everyday and live here, even if I have to do most of the shit around here.

Okay, this has been too long sitting doing 'nothing' back at it.

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch
G

all wrapped up

 Done with the riding for the year. Went out on the shifty squishy bike. 

Guess that cassette has seen a lot, happy it lasted this long. But it was annoying out there, the middle three cogs, not small one either, are so worn that, well, it skips and sucks to ride.

Singlespeed tomorrow and I just ordered a new drivetrain. The one I had planned to put on the bike way back when I got it. But pandemic supply chain sucked so I went with the cobbled mess. Had the rear der explode twice, trashed that and put together a cobbled GX with an NX cage out of the dead parts bin. Kept riding. Couple chains later and yeah it is time. Not a ton of miles but none of the miles were easy. 

Whole thing, der, shifter, chain and cassette, even with an extra chain, some extra cleats, it was all less than (by $100) than retail on a GX cassette. We'll see how well it rides. Some people hate the shimano stuff, but some people love it. Always good to have first hand experience.

Weird week. Lots of other stuff to deal with coming up, a busy week, The week I planned? Nope. But hopefully there will be some good moments spread through out. 

riding bikes was good, needed, here's to tomorrow doing more mental repair. 

gonna sign off and move away from this thing

heddwch
G

looking back? too soon?

 

2023

Activities	507
Distance	4,518.0 mi
Elev Gain	167,238 ft
Time	395h 24m

2022

Activities	525
Distance	4,585.2 mi
Elev Gain	189,386 ft
Time	423h 16m

Huh, it is almost like the only thing missing this year is riding for 24hrs at the 24HOGG.

https://nsmb.com/articles/this-one-time-in-2023/ 

too many words to reply to all that

so many good lines in there - like the trails you know...

Trying to find motivation today to do kind of almost antyhing. I did manage to clear off the piano desk enough to stick the laptop on it. Soon hopefully a little more organizing and I'll be able to put a big monitor here and get some productivity in. 

Kind of wanted to ride today but couldn't come up with the motivation, and yeah it isn't yet 1pm, maybe I'll make an excuse and try riding with the camera bag and just go for a photoride, finish up that roll of 1600 (even though it is a little on the bright side for it). 

Started this post yesterday. Been sitting here open. Back in the funk, but at least I've gotten two good nights of sleep. 

Need to touch dirt, I suppose I can ride the shifty squishy bike or the Stache to pedal around. There are no puddles. Hmm. Dropper post makes it easier to stop for photos too.

I should hit publish and move on to something. Puttering or organizing, little bits at a time accumulate into progress.

best get doing something other than sitting

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch
G

readers and web logs

 There's a fair bit of chatter about RSS readers and web logs last few days with the realization that some of the big newsletter apps/companies are happy to give a voice to the bad people (not sees and those kind of intolerant fucks) but forbidding trans and SW voices. The work around and admission is that newsletters are a lot of work for very little return and also more discussion about web logs. 

Micro-blogging killed the blogosphere, no question. Twitter and then whatever else moved in. Mostly twitter (I'm gonna dead name that place because it deserves to be esp since the 'owner' likes to dead name other people but not have his stuff dead named and well fuck him and his racists bigoted self).

One phenomenon I have NEVER understood are newsletters. Maybe because email is all but dead and we're overloaded with inadvertent subscriptions and capitalistic marketing noise. The only emails I really actually read at from people. And those are pretty far and few between. I do have a couple people I know, okay maybe one or two, one. That uses email as a chat tool. A few people that use text as an email tool. Tracking purchases, receipts, that kind of thing, yeah it is used for that too. Ok, email is not dead it just is kind of like the regular mail now. Has uses but not the same as in the past. But newsletters? I have subscribed to a few, they are good at reminding me of why i subscribed but i'm not very good at reading them. I see the subject and move on. 

I still do the open tab thing. On this new laptop it is screaming fast, it is also blazing at exporting and dealing with large image files, which is why I got it, so that's at least good. 

Writing a newsletter, really just seems like writing a blog post and then emailing it to people. Why not just write the post, put it up and let people come to it? Sure, you might get MORE than zero engagement with a newsletter which is what some people find with blogs. We're are near zero engagement here. And I'm okay with that. 

The whole photographing sharing pictures image hosting so people can see them thing is something I'm wrestling with, and a newsletter isn't good for that. I think about the few regular posting places, Stevil's for example. That's a weekly newsletter of sorts that is still a blog on his page and it looks like a web page (not me here slumming with a blogger account because that's what I've started with and it is still here this many years later). 

Techbro white dudes trying to monetize this scene seems to be another factor in killing the web logs, monetizing the traffic, providing 'service' for a fee. I dunno, now I feel like I'm just rambling. 

To the point though, bring back web logs, make hosting and publishing your own again. or something.

I think there's still a place for the 'gram, and for bluesky (I have invites if you want to try that place out). But I'd like to see newsletters move back to blogs maybe? maybe it is just me. I'm really happy to add more links to the open tabs, even a new folder. I'm also not a very good consumer, I've been buying stuff but that's an agonizing process and lately has been kind of hyper focused on camera stuff, or bikes but that is the one constant through my life. I suppose camera stuff has been too to be honest. 

Here I am, how many years old, high functioning autism probably, mild maybe adhd, hyper aware of some stuff, blind to others, always feeling left out, afraid to go into social situations...  it is brutal but that whole time taking pictures and riding bikes. Maybe it was the pocket Olympus Stylus Tough, or the previous ones before it. Or the various film cameras prior, or the SP but now here I am a million years late, with a modern sophisticated DSLR. Sort of the same with bikes. Way way back the SP was one of the best. Then the Olympus Digital, one of the best point and shoot digital cameras. Sort of like that point when I got the Kleins. Then I sort of surfed around with mid-level stuff. The DLSR is kind of like the Madone and the Top Fuel. finally have stuff that is 'good' uncompromising. Although both make a unique compromise. Not perfect and not what works for most people. Much like the monochrome DSLR. Most people would have gone with color. There's a few 'influencer' youtubers that do lots of black and white but claim it is best to shoot in color only since you have choice. Ah, right. The Youtubers. The video bloggers. The people who spend thousands of dollars to record themselves talking about shit. OH FUCK ME HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT PODCASTS. FUCK those have a serious impact on blogs too. It is easy for many people to sit down and talk into thousands of dollars of equipment with people and hey feel important. Audio is easy to consume, people do it mindlessly while doing other stuff. 

Sigh. The world is fucked, we're a problem, and there are not good or easy solutions. 

I have been wondering if I should take the Nanoscape name over with the black and white stuff...  or not, really don't know. Buying a 3rd domain seems silly but maybe it is the answer. Funny thing, there's a geoffrey l williams on smug mug, i really hope we don't share our middle name, that would be too funny. But there aren't many others. Hmm.

I'm absolutely procrastinating. I do NOT want to drive down tomorrow. I think that's part of the layer of dread hanging over me. But there's a lot to do today and I really need to get moving on it all. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

heddwch
G

Idols?

 I don't have many, and the ones I do usually are along the lines of people like Mike F. Supremely skilled at putting words together. Or photographers like Russ who's taste and skill are matched well.

Maybe it is because I can relate so damn closely to Mike's writing, if not his experiences, he lived a life I might have tried to if certain things didn't happen. I can put words together but not like him. That said, he's been putting them together to get paid for what, 30+ years now? He'd damn well better be good at it, and well he is. Like the mention of the birthday. Yeah mine doesn't get overrun by christmas but it is almost worse getting over run by a summer holiday, how many birthdays wrecked by bumbershoot in Seattle? For an already insecure and shy kid who is envious of everyone's parties at school, never having a party at school sucks. Or being at your step dad's family reunion, for the 10th time or whatever, and everyone having a birthday cake for all the august birthdays and, without fail, every single time, they overlook/forget/ignore mine. But that's a pretty well documented thing here on the blog. The whole me not having a good birthday. 

And the whole it is what it is we're going to die and life is short and lets fucking ride part of his latest essay? Fuck me. I've documented that. His hydroplaning is a lot like that turbulence I experienced flying back with the massive RSV infection from Seattle last year. Watching the flight attendant launched into the cabin ceiling, one hand on the drink cart. Wondering where the half drunk ginger ale went (the cup disappeared and nothing of mine or me got wet from it) trigger the 'it is what it is and it will happen when it happens" and I stopped going to sleep at night being terrified I wouldn't wake up.

That's a lot of re-hash. But that's only part of the emotions and flashbacks and relatable stuff that was catalyzed reading his latest.

You'll probably read this and not get it like I do, or differently and that's okay. You may also read it and be confused as to why I like his style so much. 

Same vein, Russ is sharing some amazing assabet river photos. Like they are just amazingly so good, like all his stuff. 

And here I am, floundering along. I've loaded a roll of film, at 1600 ISO for seattle, in the dark and cloudy and indoors... and haven't shot a single frame with it. And it is bugging me.

Fuck I haven't even shot a digital frame with the fancy camera either...  

Related to the funk I think. The above mentioned two things are definitely inspirational but they aren't motivational. Missing that element right now.

Said thank you and good bye to the Fall intern. They were massively helpful but lately it has been super quiet. We finished up one last thing today and they are done. 

I should leave early, wander the streets of providence, ride down to the river, take it easy walk the bike, pull out the camera. Something. I really don't want to get in the car on Saturday and drive all day, but that I must. I gotta shake this funk... damn. 

Touching dirt on Sunday helped but it took the first 45 minutes to get to the zen flow state. 45 minutes of making it worse. Then 45 minutes getting out just head of where I went in. Net gain but marginal that was wiped out quickly.

Funny how the bright sunshine is making me grumpy. I want moody dark clouds for photographing, not this bright cold day. 

At this rate it'll be dusk before I get out of here for the year. Oh well.

Keep moving forward, keep doing everything for everyone else. shit might fall into place, eventually.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

hhmmm

Watched a movie, forgot how terrible it is, forgot that I'd seen it before, but maybe I'd only caught the end and missed the beginning. Wow does the beginning suck. (Lucy, but come on SJ is amazing).

I had a student in my course s few years ago. A more grasp and much nicer version. Kind of a cross between SJ and Kate Courtney (MTB XC racer). 

Thought about her drive and what changed after the process of getting a PhD. Then thought about the short film I just saw about the Gap. And the words I put together on blsky the other day.

Why that connection? Was thinking hard about the class and stuff earlier today. 

I got the course syllabus locked in this afternoon (had a little help). Really happy with how it fit together and was reworked.

I have a feeling it'll be good.

But I sketched these words out just now:

"The Gap

Not just in art but in science.

The students I see most often have an idea of science, an ideal, can recognize the process. It's easy to see, simple.

Question

Devise test for the question 

Run test

Evaluate

Repeat

But it's not that simple, so many skills to learn, so much knowledge to absorb.

Like art in a way.

And sometimes you get bogged  down the science, the taste, lost in the process of doing a job sometimes permanently gone yet one winds up a slave to the grind a cog in the machine"

The post from the new micro blogging site

"Taste

The Gap

Haven't seen this in a long time. Caught a reference elsewhere just now.

Went back and watched again. 

"What is art but the repeating the process* of a skill until you become fluent enough to use it as a language." -GW

*with attention and intention to improve

vimeo.com/85040589

 -------+---

Anyway, your that in with what a friend is going through, getting completely at a dead end career wise but still lots of great years left. 

And to it out with me feeling like I haven't escaped the weekend funk, this time of year, life in general. I should try and sleep. Been up and going since 5:15. A lot of hours ago.

Heddwch

G

a couple flights some closed bridges and crazy weather

 Pretty insane, manageable mostly, but insane.

I have a minute here, but I'm sure it'll get interrupted soon, as is the pattern.

Seattle was good, and difficult.

Thought I had posted something on the way, just noticed it not there and it was sitting in the draft, got caught in wifi limbo and saved w/o being published.

This song got me introspective and I should just leave it at that.

It is a good version...  maybe the best?

Was a tow truck today. A retired daily bike path rider broke his chain somewhere. I had dropped the kid off at the train station (dentist yesterday and this was the only time we could get them in for cleaning) early this morning. Went home, showered packed up and started riding in. Guy was crossing crescent view, scootering his nice Giant road bike with Di2 ultergra. And no chain. I wasn't inclined to try and deal with the chain (tools not with me and maybe there was something catastrophic not fixable), chatted with him, then turned around, raced home, grabbed the snowplow strap and some extra rope and caught up to him midway through the forest of Riverside. 

And towed him all the way in to Hope and Waterman. He was side scootering, awkward and inefficient. I had almost just dropped L off at the train and parked at work but no riding yesterday (storm) and well I got a good workout in this morning. He was a light guy and a light bike. And I was on the singlespeed. Was a bit of a workout trying to get up the hill towards the old golf course along the parkway but I made it. And got him in much closer and faster than he would have done other wise.

Didn't take a photo because that felt wrong of me to do, and yeah I'm talking about, might as well have taken a photo. And yeah i was on the singlespeed surly. It was not a ton of work on the flats but man it was a lot going uphill. more than trailer but not much.

Chatted with Tom O, he caught up and he noticed and offered a chain tool. But we were almost there. 

Hopefully Allan gets his chain fixed and doesn't miss too many days riding. He's on the path every day. And that's pretty fucking awesome if you ask me. He's usually done before I get out, but today? well, he was a little behind schedule.

Amazing. Sitting here and haven't been interrupted. 

Oh right, there's just about no one here and we're recovered mostly from the power outage here yesterday. 

Still hard to process. 

Should probably eat lunch before too long. 

But the debate is raging in my head. Do i bring a mtb to ride alone at Fountainhead for one day? doesn't seem like a good plan. got distracted remembering I should look at scheduling the golf for service, but also i don't like other people working on the car before a trip, let it roll till we get back and then do it.

Okay - food time. I really wanted to dig into how I felt Friday, Saturday into Sunday. I was not in a great headspace but I'm kind of on the other side a little. So best just drop it maybe.

take care, ride bikes, Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

never gets easier

Worried this is the visit. Three way my mother's heart is going she could decide is not that bad and not go to the ER and that's it. I guess it almost happened last night. Maybe that's TMI for the blogosphere but it's pretty quiet around here and I am sitting on a plane (with Wi-Fi) and no one to talk to this about 

Just before boarding my RI better called me to give me the low down on what's going on. And what happened last night. Her HR was up and not stable O2 doing and BP dropping. Doesn't sound good does it? She wasn't sure what to do, doc only said not to do the concerts if her HR was over 120. Nothing else. She called one of my brothers out there, "should I go to the ER?" "Yes" she calls my other brother out there asked the same thing "yes" so she went. Fortunately. But then didn't get much sleep and is exhausted. Of fucking course she doesn't call me, as I'm getting ready to fly out. 

Sigh. Docs said that given the condition of her heart that it might make it 3-5 years. But I think that makes the assumption she follows advice gets enough rest and changes who she is totally. Had a full on laugh with my brother about out parents both of which are stubborn and head strong and never listened to anyone... Didn't sound like any of us. 

That's the joke. It sounds like all of us. 

So it could be the best thing I'm going out, or it could be the worst. She's not going to want to let me see her the way she is. She's going to want to do the concert because I'm here. And she is going to do too much no matter what anyone says. 

And I'm in a flying tube over Massachusetts right now with no one to talk to about it for the next 5+ hours. 

So here I am. Swiping words on my phone because the laptop seemed like a bad idea. Of course now the camera won't talk to the phone and I can't pull photos off it. But I guess I can treat it like the film camera. Take photos, share after the trip. 

There's a lot to catch up on. The race, life, stuff, what's next and a reflection on a bit of a reminder why I was so passionate about cx before the spiral down that started in 2013/14. I guess technically it didn't really start the spiral until January 1st 2014, but that was a hey we're not doing great up until then but that point was full on nose dive into darkeness.

And here were are. Finally getting back to that feeling from long ago. Maybe a little fire to drop 10-20#s and get a bit faster without losing the fun? That's probably way too optimistic, but it's nice to think about.

We're hitting some solid turbulence right now. Might just put the phone away. Maybe there's a decent movie to watch on the headrest...

And maybe I'll come back for a follow up.

Heddwch

G

May he be at rest

 Shane MacGowan 

Kind of wrecked a bit. 

His health wasn't the best at the end, but just making it to 65, given everything he's done to himself, is a remarkable feat. He gave us a fuck ton of music.

The cassette tape If I Should Fall From Grace was my sound track for years...

That was my punk in high school... 

"Jeff Roberson @jsroberson.bsky.social

Shane MacGowan…In my fantasy world, Shane just kicked Henry in the balls while on line to chat with St. Peter and all the newly departed erupted in cheers while St. Pete waves Shane to the front of the line.

But there is no god waiting for us, just worms and bacteria. ;)"

Thank fully we can focus on the loss of a musician who sung for the down trodden. 

The anti-war anthem: https://youtu.be/cZqN1glz4JY?si=u6StAVYqseL8rDhZ

To the immigrant's song: 

 I dunno. I'm luggage today.

The CX under the lights last night was good. It took me a good 30 minutes of 'racing' before my legs felt open. Not sure how I'm going to recreate that on saturday. I did sign up for Ice Weasels.

And yeah, I need to race then photograph but I signed up for the last race. Maybe i won't take too many photos.

maybe just bring the film? we'll see what Saturday brings. 

I put a 22 on there, put the heavy alloy wheels with the dirty smackdown set up, as bad if not worse than the fast wheels but this is a shitty heavy course so fast wheels won't help me, they don't help me anyway. 

I fucked up and missed the staff show deadline. Looked back and thought I'd have a couple good SEM images, nope. Not really. A few but nothing that says YEAH, and the scope is running a multi-day job. Oh well.

There's a lot going on.

I've been listening to a lot of Pogues today, kind of a good moderate productivity day instead of full out crazy like has been happening since... um... August.

heddwch

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Balance and between

 It struck me just now, looking at someone's photo they posted.

It is amazing. So good, it both inspires me and motivates me.

I recognized that I'm absorbing new stuff about photography at a level I've never thought about before, partly now due to both the intention of pushing myself in using the cameras but also bringing all the years of other visual art work I've been doing into my process. The nanoscape, the camera in my pocket for the last million years, digital lately. And now here this, and i'm feeding off and learning from people better and different than myself who are willing to share.

I thought about bikes, and, honestly, who is doing that for me? No one. Not anymore. Then it kind of hit me, plenty of people comment about what I share, or just being there, and maybe I'm at that end and if I pull away completely I stop being able to positively influence and motivate people. Even the fast guys look at my strava and see the daily commute as inspirational. Motivational. they've said so. It doesn't matter how fast I am in some ways, I'm still here. Jim English stopped by, been forever, so long it took me a minute to place his face. Oh and this new keyboard is going to take some getting used to. But I guess I'd better get used to it because it is mine now. Need to clean off the personal stuff off the old one and bring it in to work for use there and in class.

It is weird, going to take getting used to.

Should really write up the race report from yesterday. But on the racing side? Lets just say my number predicted my performance. 86

It was rough. Still cooked from the turkey burner 22 mile ride on the SSMTB. SO MUCH SLOW CLIMBING. It is fine but it takes a LOT to basically be engaged the whole time at really low RPM, like almost trackstanding up the hills and we had ~1900' of climbing, much like that. Fred did take us on a unique route so that was at least something different. But I was cooked, and fried. And of course couldn't stop. Saturday was shopping, getting a pile of much needed stuff, including this silly laptop. Screaming deal on it, maybe I'll find out why. Also 16" is nice and big but it has kind of submarined my ability to pick a camera backpack. The ones I had finally settled on wound up not having space for more than a 14-15 laptop. 

Link to Album from yesterday: https://flic.kr/s/aHBqjB4LLC 

I am not used to not having two 'mouse' buttons below the trackpad. oh well. I used to be fine with it, work laptop made me lazy I guess.

It is all adaptation eh?

Problems other than my number and the Friday MTB ride? Tires. The black mambas were terrible on that course. File treads are fine but they weren't okay. There was a mix on the way there that had what I thought were those lyrics. Seemed fitting. But upon searching it probably was It's not right but it's okay.

Those tires were NOT right, but they were okay.

It was slick, there were some serious off cambers and then all the roots. I had pressure set so I was hitting the roots on the rim at least once paying attention (would hit every time if I rode like an idiot), they are not right but are better on the off camber grass stuff at 2psi lower than I ran them but that would be a death knell to the rims on that course. I had a serious speed limit in a few places and was loose as fuck on one wet section, squirrely and terrifying. 

Gearing. Was definitely not right, but was okay.

Too tall, way too tall. Needed to drop down to the 44x22. Could have ridden a few more things more easily, gotten back up to speed a bit better and there was one long section but it was after a punchy up and was a false downhill flat and not long enough to spin out. 

Legs, again they were not right but it was okay.

I found a few good lines, shared them with a few people, got some nice "hey those worked and were awesome" about them. It was a good day.

It was a bad race for me. Maybe I need to go back to gears and do SSCX on a low importance whim now and then? Go back to the roots. Maybe I need a new bike too?

That is absolutely what I need. Another expensive bike. 

Or not.

Need to do a lot. Mostly need to try and wrap up and leave early because i'm really fucking tired. The wind last night woke us both up worrying about the single in the back yard. We need to figure out a decently secure storage system for it here. At some point. But when?
Thinking about heading to the NBX training race Wed night. Never been, could leave and stop by the shop on the way there. Would be good to do and say hey and to order some sealant that I need to keep the air in the front tire of the MTB. Maybe order some new tires too. Or wait till next year and see if Donnely brings in a 38mm PDX. Or I guess look at a vitorria? I Dunno. Tire stuff. Like everything else, I'm looking for this unobtanium thing in a niche of a niche. Good graphics performance, but I don't play games. Maybe i should start playing games on the computer? Maybe not.

Better get back to shit and put this thing back down.

heddwch
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Photos

 Been photo taking more and more lately.

Intentional.

But it is taking focus from other things. Like the Nanoscape stuff.

Today I pushed it and did both.

Quick image of the Porcelain Berry on the SEM and a walk outside after the rain.

(my clothes are still wet but almost dry so I'm delaying and writing)

At the moment, in a weird headspace. Also need coffee but don't want to make more, I should make more but making one cup is annoying and it takes time and maybe there'll be some left over at home or something if I can get out of here soon. 

It is weird for a few but kind of intangible reasons.

came to work in the pouring rain to do some important stuff, then it was just more or less sitting around and waiting for clothes to dry.

I guess I could have packed dry clothes. That would have been smart.

But sometimes (all the time) I'm not so smart.

I let a comment get to me earlier today (on line of course) probably not even anything close to me but hey, no one is really sure how something on the internet will be interpreted by someone else.

But it was good doing a bit of both EM and photo stuff.

Of course today is the day I should have brought the film camera, those rain drops on the Rose are awesome, oh well. Next time.

Guess I should take a break, and get dressed in the cycling kit. It is mostly dry and maybe me wearing it will speed it up. Or at least warm it up before I go outside and ride home.

A few damp spots. 

I'm tired. Physically not as much, been sleeping pretty well. Mentally mostly. 

but that's what the next few days are for right? Uh huh. nice and restful. oof.

well

happy thanksgiving or genocide day or however you manage to mark the long holiday weekend here in the states.

heddwch

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Digging the no travel holiday

 This used to be a load up and travel week. Years of making the trek to VA and having a split Thanksgiving between my Dad's house and my in-laws, then a few years of cooking in Michigan, and then we came out to RI and having traveled since. College was load up on the train or I guess maybe drive down with E to VA for a year or two, I don't remember. it was a long fucking time ago.

But here we are, RI style means driving the longest 8 miles in the state. Gotta transect Barrington.

Bringing the usual.

I did breakdown the smallest Turkey my brother hard left. All 30 pounds of it. Tossed a pile of the skin and most of the fat, I don't have space or time to render that shit and when you cook with it everything just tastes like turkey. But I have three bags of bones in the freezer to make stock with. The wings have enough meat to make soup after the stock. The legs and thighs are huge, one meal each or I guess roast together and have enough left overs. The breasts are huge. The two of them completely fill a half sheet pan (18"x13"). 

Probably will brine the breasts, cook one and freeze the other. Will roast or grill the legs with thighs attached, and the rest? Dunno, we'll see.

Started watching this yesterday while the serial block face was running (DOING COOL SHIT) and finished it this morning (repeat of the same):

The whole series was great. And yeah I know the outcome but it was still well done.

Kind of got emotional when his dad gave him a hug at the finish...  oof... Was riding in this morning, thinking about Adam's comment over on one of the new social media microblogging platforms in response to my feeling of ugh after seeing his name pop up on the pre-reg list for the 50+ race at Shedd park. He was there and posting and sharing about how awesome it is having Flynn race and then cheer for him and all that. I thought about my oldest, how they made a choice or felt like they had to choose ballet over bikes, and I was just thinking about what might have been, but it is what it is now. Nothing to change, I mean I get how awesome it must be for Adam to have his kid doing what he's doing, probably like Fox with his kid. Sure I've got a talented athlete kid but it is not my sport, it is one i'm adjacent to and have done, but it isn't bikes. It was pretty awesome being in paris and seeing them and being able to give them a huge hug after racing. But it is different. Ya know? Maybe it is only different in my head. So yeah stoked for adam at the same time kind of wishing I'd had that opportunity. And no, no fucking way am I signing up for more kids. In NO scenario is that something I would look out for. I'm old enough as it is, barely have energy for myself.

Shedd Park was an interesting day. Unlike the previous two weeks when I was able to actually feel rested on Friday before the race, I was fucking gassed and even taking it easy Saturday I was still really tired on Sunday. Heart rate took forever to recover doing an effort on the trainer before the race (for example). It was a really rough week, lots of stress, lots of early mornings and long days.

I've been trying to look at buying a laptop for photo editing. No I don't want a Mac. Really. REALLY do not want. But also don't want to dump high end MAC money on a gaming laptop (I play some games but really not many and not on the computer - usually have one on the phone). And now that it is black friday monster sale, I'm looking and just not seeing a ton of good stuff, the cheap stuff is flying off but I don't really want that.

Kind of like trying to find tires for the CX bike. I know what I want but I don't know if anyone makes it. At least the computers are customizable and flexible.

So anyway, Shedd park. Left a little later than planned but not too bad. Got there, but driving up I was remembering 2013, and started getting sad, depressed, thinking about what might have been what was there and could have been and what I should have done differently. Same shit all over again. 

Then I remembered Jack C and his bottle of Apple moonshine in 2014. Ooops. That was bad, very bad, but end the end I got lucky or just was good enough to escape catastrophe. 

Setting myself up really well eh? Pulled into the area, Derek was in front of me so I parked next to him. Up top near Jay and Eiric and Johnny M and the rest of the old dudes who got there just a little later than everyone else. 

Of course I'm running the singlespeed with effective file treads and small side knobs. Kind of sort of the worst combo. Files were great tehre, but only if they had big side knobs for gripping on the grass, I was loose in most corners and was going slower than most, any faster and I would have been down. It looked slow but I've gotten better at finding the limit. WHICH IS WHY I WANT DIFFERENT TIRES BUT CAN'T FIND THE PERFECT ONES. Got a lap in, the woods stuff was fun. Liked the log jump, I had to run a handful of the short steep stuff every lap. One of those, I COULD ride it but it took way more energy to do that than to get off and run, and running was faster. 

Got there plenty early though. Did my thing. Ate my food. Got another lap or so on the course. Got on the trainer before the race for about 20-30 minutes, got a few efforts in on it, got nice and steadily warmed up, lined up. Raced. Was absolutely DFL going into the barriers (that whole shifting thing). Rode my way through people, then the 60+ started riding through me. I got slower on Lap 4 than I'd have liked and was sure I was about to get lapped, was fucking shocked and amazed when I finished with one ride (60+) between me and Adam, I wasn't even the last person on the lead lap. I was in the 50+ but I wasn't last. How the fuck I stayed on the lead lap with the tire and the gear penalty I don't know. Legs really didn't feel as good as they had, felt low and like something was missing, but the heart stayed high didn't fade even as my time did. 

But lead fucking lap with Adam racing hard for the win? That is just fucking crazy.

I hung out after for a bit. bought some Pho (it was good) left the cameras in the car. Didn't even take a cellphone photo. Chatted with a few folks. Watched racing... headed out...  declined the repeated invite to the Navigation Brewery after party, I'm fine with people drinking and hanging out most of the time, but I was tired, and wanted to get home before it was dark.

And I did. Barely. Unloaded the car, grabbed the cooler and drove to the farm (those 8 miles mentioned above) to get the 30.8# turkey that I broke down last night. It takes a long time to do it right, for somoene as out of practice as I am. But it came out okay and I'm looking forward to some fresh turkey.

Racing Secret Squirrel next (sunday), in the actual singlespeed race. I thought about signing up for two races but fuck that I don't think I have the energy to do two, and one race with one gear on that course is enough.  The question is do I take photos or do I just race?

Haven't signed up for Ice Weasels yet but I guess I probably will. But need to get through this weekend first. 

This weekend. It is fucking Wednesday. But finally a Wednesday that feels like a Friday that is pretty much actually a Friday.

Finally.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
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Once a week - what is this AHTBM?

 That and not even any good content!

Here's a photo from yesterday morning for ya.

Ain't goin up on IG because format is not square enough.

What's the plan?

 Plan is to race. First thing in the morning. Ish.

Yes, I'm going to be the idiot with a singlespeed in an age group race. Because, while yes, being able to change gears and have a choice is good. The difference between having a 44x20 and a 44x11-25 is kind of immaterial. If i put the cogs on there and shift I'll be in the 20-25 most of the time anyway. And as Solobreak says: You can only go as fast as your easiest gear.

And it is a lot of work to switch it over and I'm not sure I'm smart enough to use all the gears.

Now If I was a smart guy I would have purchased a 12-30 cassette (largest the rear der can handle) and installed that. BUT NO. I bought a whole new road bike instead.

It is going to be stupid early tomorrow. Lots of driving in the dark in the morning. 

Will be packing cameras for after my race. I am going to try and do the whole warm up on the course thing because, well... there are no races before our race (that I can see on the calendar but I'm also not super smart and might have missed something crucial... okay just doubled checked and I see nothing before) so I figure I'll warm up with 100 other old dudes on the course before our race. Lets see how that goes. Warm up is important. I feel okay about the short openers today. Rode hard this morning (stopped for photos obvs) then went to ship street and back mid-day to stretch legs on the bike. Going to head home soon to get the last sunset ride in before the time change.

Will I make it over the flyover with the 44x20? DUNNO but we'll find out. And yeah I'm running essentially file treads. It is what it is. At least they aren't too heavy.

So much shit going on though. need a full catch up time. Maybe can fit that in next week. or sunday if I can't move.

Time to pack up and catch the sunset.

Then figure out what to make for dinner, and then pack everything, load most of it in the car so I can just get up, make a fresh pot of coffee and head out on the road. Will need to figure out breakfast. Hmmmm.

Anyway. I'll get better about circling back here and being more regular. Posting photos on masto and blsky has been fun and distracting and a cool experiment.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

Heddwch
G 

one day i'll learn

Signed up for TreehouseCX. 

It is far. I'm way out of shape, It has been a long three months but last few dirty smackdowns have been feeling better, my timing is still off but the turning feels more natural again.

Gonna be a long early day but I saw so few people at Really Rad that I hope to hang out a bit after racing and at least see some more people that I haven't seen in a while.

Also means renewing my USAC license. 

done

Guess I'd better put gears on the bike tomorrow so I can commute in on it and do a few openers Friday. Shit. gotta put tires on the race wheels too.

Fuck what was I thinking? Oops. 

It'll be fine. Right?

back to microblogging

 Or should I say I landed at one of the alternates to the OG, the one that kind of killed the blogosphere on the first round.

But I've also been going pretty much flat out during normal writing times. Which means I've been going flat out pretty much once I wake up... well after finishing the morning puzzles and drinking coffee. Once that's done. Flat out. Or if not flat out not sitting down long enough when I'm not eating.

The scope is moved out. Got in super early, almost not early enough to get everything out of here, but just in time.

Only the big high tension tank full of 5-10 gallons of Shell transformer oil (at least it is the stuff w/o PCBs) and the rotary pump and a big cable with oil on the ends of it.

Crazy that it is gone. All gone. 40 years of continuous use at Brown. Pretty remarkable. Also kind of embarassing it didn't get upgraded in the 90s or the 00s or at all. Had a few offers of newer systems in the last couple years but missed out on one, and the others happened after the grant writing for the one coming in next was started. No point dishing out $20-30k for a system that would have been in place for a short while as long as the new one still worked.

Yesterday was the HOCR (head of the charles regatta) and the 3rd? year L's raced there. Maybe 4th but I think only 3. Was a bit different, no sculling, no super support level stuff, no being the ones making sure she's there on time, eating enough. We just showed up. After the Harvard stadium lot was full. Parked a mile or two away, still paid the $30. maybe next year we look at other options or plan on getting there earlier. Arriving at stupid early o clock makes everything easy. Waking up without an alarm and taking it easy getting there does not. Like my friend MK says, "you are always trading one stress for another"

Saw L when the bus dropped them off (they changed it up this year, bused them up for Friday rig and practice and back home, then back again on Sunday, and back home for those that didn't stay in town to party). Got some photos of the rigging of the boat. Then wandered off for a few hours while they did the whole team thing. I was told it was a non-contact day. But at some point after we'd found a good place to stand and watch on the shore just north of the Elliot bridge, L asked if we wanted to hang out. But didn't ask me. I only found out a little bit later. And yeah, I would have liked to but by that time it was late. 

Yale launched almost last for the Champ 8 race. They had two boats. the 1V and the JV (2V) but I guess it wasn't the true 2V because the coach took some of the faster women out of the boat because they were eligible for the club 8 on Saturday (L wasn't eligible, i guess maybe for first time at HOCR only?) That made for lots of line up juggling and finally the 2V was faster than the Club 8 but barely. L went from solidly in the 6 seat all the time to 2 seat when line ups were published, to a final change on Friday into the 4 seat. When the 1V went by I thought it was L in the 4 seat, no but nearly a twin. And she didn't stand out as tall in the group of the 1V and 2V rowers. Sort of like me walking around in the crowd. The one place I don't feel tall. Was fucking impossible to pick out E, even if she was wearing a red bucket hat. Just too short around everyone else. But I was told my Mountain Liquor hat made it really easy to see where I was. Mission Accomplished. (It is blaze orange and also says Saguache, CO below the store name, and the motherfucking hat fits unlike everything else anyone around here has in stock from NBX to Built by the guy who moved to AZ).

Took a lot of photos, not enough of the kid, or their boat, but some, and a few other just cool rowing shots. Def looking hard at the 55-300 pentax lens. Yeah maybe i need the 150-450 one but I can probably afford the 300zoom, the 450 is pushing $2k. And that's too much for my casual self. Unless I get a color camera back and shoot more sports both in mono and color, but for now. Heck do I even need it? I dunno. Who knows. What is need. 

Need now: is to have time to sit down and plow through the photos from yesterday in Lightroom. 

Saw them go by, saw them dock (they were cold). Oh and yeah just before their race, or during it, it started getting cold. Sun was clouded and the wind had a bite to it. I had wanted to wear my showers pass wool base layer that I REALLY like, under my Yale Women's Crew supported long sleeve tech shirt, but couldn't find it anywhere. Like, what the fuck happened to it. It disappeared? or something. Vanished. Not anywhere. I think L might have taken it or it was inadvertently packed with her stuff? Dunno but I need to find it before the weather gets really cold. Or order a new one. Guess I should just get another one since I like it so much. Having two isn't the worst thing, assuming I find it. So yeah I was under-dressed. Threw a jacket in the car but it was miles away. 

Once they docked went back towards the area, they de-rigged after throwing on hoodies and clothes, then headed to medal ceremony, more of just a photo-op on the stage (results not quite official yet) some rumor of the 2V getting a JV medal for 3rd (they were awarded medals and a trophy but were on the bus headed back to New Haven before they were ready). Gave L a big hug before she raced back to the team area to get her per diem card to buy food before the bus was scheduled to leave. 

And left.

Made the looooong walk back to the car. At least this year the long walk back wasn't also with L who could barely walk, much less walk that far. My foot was fucked up. My hand that held the camera for the whole fucking day (literally), was a bit cold an stiff, took much of the whole car ride home before it warmed up. Then while prep'n to cook dinner I realized my foot was not happy, super painful, and yeah, probably a stress fracture. esp since it still hurts. But it is better. It took standing on it all day and 10k steps to get there. So that's an improvement. 

But, end of the day felt kind of depressed and hollow and missing L. She's doing great, in a fabulous program, tons of support, school is a lot of work but manageable. And the team basically won. Club 8 finished 1st, Champ 8 1st, Champ 8 JV 3rd. Hard to identify what precisely is the source, but maybe I have an idea but maybe not, maybe it is just me being me. I don't know. 

Got up stupid early though. Slept like shit thursday night before Ben came to take the TEM offline. Slept super poorly last night (at least it felt like it - but watch says I slept and man did I ever dream) woke up two times in the night, then woke up before the alarm (5:30 then dozed till 5:50)), got here in time to see everything hauled off, and basically destroyed in the process. We had taken it apart, they mangled the fuck out of the rest of the shit hauling it out (from the looks of it outside when I got here).

Still a full busy day. I left the house before sunrise this morning. With luck I'll be able to leave before sunset. But the way things are going? I'll probably be riding home in the dark. Which reminds me, I'd better plug in the lights now just in case.

Next week is Really Rad CX. I'm NOT racing. But I think I'm going to go out, bring the camera, take some photos and see people. Maybe get a hug or two. I'm going to bring the MTB and ride the Otis trails first. Might as well, eh? The trails are different and the weather is looking good and even if I'm alone it'll be a good change of pace. 

Oh shit - just remembered, gotta get started scanning the last of the Rollei RPX400 film from the Leica CL. Well... the list of stuff coming up here in a few minutes is long.

Need coffee, need to move.

been a nice break and missed having a chance to talk to myself and review shit in my head aka throw words up here on the weblog. Thanks you handful few people who still check in. 

heddwch
G

GIMME 30 MIN

 PLEASE.

But maybe I'll take these few here and get it out of my head.

Got the Toureg tires on the 19mm rims. Much better setting up than the Toros, but still not simple. The Backer rod did indeed suck up most of the sealant. But there was still some left, maybe enough to seal a small puncture.

I think the Toureg tires (40s) are better on the 19mm than the 25mm ID rims. Rounder and not flatter is better with that tread patter and casing shape. They look like they are happy and ride much better like this.

legs def felt pretty sore from the weekend. In a good way. Not sure I'll be recovered for dirty smackdown but fuck it lets see how it goes.

Reading this: https://resultsboy.medium.com/how-to-build-a-good-cyclocross-course-41b6fc1b2b6d got me kind of itching for CX. But also sad that so many good CX courses are gone. 

Midnight ride had way too many graph paper turns. Also pretty much every turn was one line choice. Slow entrance to barriers... left right left right left right. All the stuff there but also I was so shit at pedaling it didn't matter for me. But you could see it in the racing of others.

Thinking back to courses I did well on, they were like Colin describes. And thinking about Hartford. Did it work for the top 20 in the Elites? Yeah, maybe. But not really. 

Got me thinking about how lucky I've been to race some of the best North American courses. Plymouth south wasn't the best spectator course but damn was it fun and I usually did okay there. 

Okay, now I want to race CX but also now I'm gonna be even more critical, need to have the right category AND the right course.

And I need to get more training in my legs and some speed and and and and and

Oh and shit I gotta get back to work...

heddwch
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