tale of two commutes

Yesterday - bitching horrible cold headwind. I was frozen when I got in. Couldn't pedal hard enough to warm up w/o dipping down out of assist and even with it the wind and cold was limiting power enough that the top speed had plummeted. And that was fine, riding into the mid 20s °F going 26 mph is WIKKED COLD! Legs weren't warming up. But it was also good, a light spin, active recovery, I needed the easy day but needed also more layers I guess.

Going home was just as bad but it was also dark and a lot later after class. But feeling better, and surprisingly pretty damn good after the weekend mileage. 

This shows a decent trend, hoping to keep it going:

Should be an achievable goal as long as I can stick to the hundo/month plus extra.

This morning I rode the Single speed surly. Nice tall gearing. Had to stop and raise the seat, wearing the Wolvhammer boots, maybe the ragnoraks that everyone else has don't have as much of a difference. DON'T CARE THESE ARE WARM.

Plenty warm today - wearing about the same as yesterday (warmer gloves) and worked my ass off, esp trying to crank that over geared beast along side running man David L.

But what gave DL the chance to catch up was not great. I saw meatwagon lights and a FD truck at the squantum club, and a cluster of people on the path.. "oh shit"

extra oh shit when I realized it was Joe G. AKA backpack guy. He had caught a stick (my guess from looking at bike with fender destroyed and locking the front wheel in place) and flipped over the bars landed on his head and likely broke his collar bone. David rolled up while we were there. Joe got taken off in a stretcher, in a huge amount of pain, helmet was broken. EP PD was there and said they would take his bike over to his house.

Sending Backpack guy healing thoughts.

Take care out there, even the bike path requires some attention, remeber it was on the path that I blew up my bursa and ended my peak fitness.

More about that - I got thinking, from that point on I was chasing something, trying to find something, or maybe trying to ride away, maybe drink away too from the end of 2013. Mentally saying 2014 was going to be new and different, well it was but it wasn't. Riding this weekend and on Friday I kind of felt new, like I was riding forward, open, alive. In other words, insanely positive and rewarding and felt right. Need to delve a bit more into my brain about that at some point, maybe the barest hint of that feeling is conveyed, or at least documented.

back to work

heddwch
G

why not add a few more?

I took Saturday off totally. Did some grocery shopping, put my feet up, didn't quite doze, had some late coffee and then went to the NBX party all the way down in 'Gansett. Yup, i was fine. tired but not really that bad.

I've been sleeping like shit. Friday night everything hurt/ached/twinged/whatever, last night was a little better. Been having crazy vivid dreams though. Slept in a bit this morning, as in i woke up at 5:30 and then managed to doze until about 7-7:30. Time to load up on coffee, ate some museli...  got dressed and headed in to meet a slowly growing group. 9 in total. And we cruised out. I got dropped on the little hill before School street and had a route planned but couldn't catch them even though I told half of them we were going to turn on School street. Welp. Nope. Straight on through. We had dropped bart a bit before that but this new route found us catching up to them on County. So we all hung out for a while longer, riding, chatting, just making miles and it was pretty fucking awesome.

Talked with most everyone for a little bit. At one point Bart headed off home the short way and we headed towards Barneyville road and barrington and the bike path. The wind had been building and building all day. I had made it to the start of the ride pretty easily, feeling a touch over dressed even, but it was still good. We did the backwards RRRR through barrington, over to the road behind the golf course and then back on the path.

I was just under 40 miles at that point, and really wasn't ready to stop pedaling, had to pull the Flickr stuff off on the download and deal with a few emails so I rode in with Goldberg the rest of the way, knowing that ride home solo into the wind would be tough. It wasn't so bad. Sure my effort was pretty light all day, I got dropped on the hills but adding the extra 50 miles today felt great.

Riding bikes is pretty awesome. Half thinking maybe I just need to use my phone as a recording device and if i have to plug it in I have to plug it in. Although a gps display/device would be nice. Still overthinking that a bit.

Ate a cliff bar at the office before riding home and then at home had salad. The left over dregs from last night. Added some cheese, a big clove of raw garlic and some black pepper. Ate a few bits of meaty parm rind, and that was it, until dinner. Picking the fueling. No snacking. Avoided the chips, wanted to eat them. Didn't.

Couple burgers for dinner, a few wedge cut potato fries i made in the oven. Delicious.

might put feet up and read a bit. First day of class is tomorrow.

anxious about how much i'm not anxious about it...  i'm also slightly less prepared in some ways more in others. Also this is the...  i dunno 4th? 5th? time I'm teaching it myself. The subject material fortunately doesn't change too much. Physics and the equipment really hasn't changed. Added some new fun microscopes, and capacity but before last year it was all just stuff we talked about anyway. Now we can put it into practice.

Also I have a T.A. getting paid the same amount as I am for the class, should be a good fit. Might be a touch more work but different and potentially very helpful, and the best reason, the grad student will get to learn all this shit even better.

Listening to music, eating dinner alone at the table, E's watching TV, kid here at home ate in their room. Not normal, but I guess we are all solitary creatures in some ways... 

Bart mentioned some band, but I can't remember what it was called. He did thank me again for introducing him to Alabama 3. I'm just listening to my Pandora The Nationals station: https://pdora.co/2CKEOrc

Kind of mellow but melodic. Maybe too depressing, But it is generally good music. I don't have to skip songs too much with this one.

Okay time to clean up, put feet up and read a bit to set the stage for the next week of crazy intensity.

heddwch
G

BTW - it really feels good to have spent this much time on the bike. I think it was very much missing as part of me and my mojo. Needed to sort this other habit and get rid of it...  bonus for getting rid of the booze is I think I may actually be recovering a bit from all this pedaling in a way I haven't felt in years. Gonna remember to charge the e-bike battery for tomorrow. Yeah, gonna get the miles in but take it light, active recovery.

HUNDO IS DUNDO

The TLDR version: it was really difficult, i was completely physically unprepared, but old man base kept me going as well as Jason just up the road guiding me home.

When the weather windows suggested yesterday would be the best, well it did wasn't so bad. I remember one January or February ride to boston and back coming home and it started a cold mid-30s rain as it was getting dark riding through Seekonk. There was no precipitation in the forecast, just sun, cool weather and hopefully ice free roads after the crazy weather we had the last week or so.

I was determined to do this ride, even alone. But it didn't turn out that way, very fortunately I think. Who knows when I would have gotten home if i tried to do it solo. Jason P said he'd join in, and then Burke called in to join at the last minute, and they made a huge difference.

Ride prep? well the bike was ready - did that a couple weeks ago, rode it a few times. Fit isn't great but it isn't terrible. Clothing? craft tights, vermarc bib shorts over them (double pad, yes) wore some smart wool compression socks, thin but almost up to the knee, hincapie long sleeve jersey under the pearl izumi softshell jacket. $10 Ocean state job lot winter 'ski' gloves, warm but not breathable, ibis wool cap under helmet and then shoes. Started to leave wearing the XC-7s, tried to put booties on (destroyed, wouldn't stay in place) then went with the old worn but intermediate warm LG Ergo grip winter shoes. Light, sealed up better than the 7s but not as heavy or huge as the 45North Wolvhammers.

Food? Got up at 5:50 and made cofffee, cooked up some sausage links for the kid and i to eat for breakfast. made more coffee, then made two breakfast sandwiches for the pockets. bread, cheese, two eggs, one slice of smoked turkey per sandwich. I should have made one to eat in the morning. I didn't. I got on the scale and was 218 pounds. Heaviest since racing battenkill that last time. Yeah I've been eating a lot lately, snacking and not racing and well yeah not good but potato chips taste soo good when i get home after work and am tired and need something. Will work on changing that up. Needed to start the riding first. So anyway, coffee, four little sausage links, glass of water, time to go. Toss a couple extra cliff bars in the pockets for backup, grab the battery pack and cable, try the garmin, seems to get started, timer started, but was dead by firefly. Shit. Well I guess I need a new one. fuck.

Headed out the door - let JP know I was going to be a few minutes late with the drop off.  Had to do a shoe drop at the school because kid forgot them at home, needed them to get a 100 in gym. Burke got there just after I did, a quick bathroom stop and we were off. Some ice on the roads, not too bad but we had to slow down and be careful a bit. We were following my route, until I turned left on after Newcomb instead of right. It has been a long time since i did that route. Oops. And then Burke took over the navigation. We wound up on Bay eventually, it was busy and the road is in bad shape, lots of potholes, but pretty uneventful. By the golf course there on 138 just after where the water was flowing on to the shoulder Burke said good bye and headed home, JP had to take a leak, I was hungry so we took a quick stop at the Blue Hills. Great having a warm bathroom there. I ate, felt a little better and we rolled into boston towards Firefly. The hills were already starting to get to me. It was not great, not ideal. esp since either the rear der is messed up or the hanger is bent or something is fucked up and I can't use a handful of the easier cogs on the back, it is the easiest (28) or it is the 19(?). But the dying on the hills already was not a good sign.

Got to Firefly just before the headed out to lunch. Initially with the time crunch and the short daylight we were going to head right back but JP wanted coffee and BCR really is just 2 miles away. So we hit that spot, even got a few union square donuts to go with the espresso.

And we headed back. Flew down Dot ave faster than the cars, got to Blue Hills, kept trucking down. Stopped at the Ice Cream place on Bay and East, not for ice cream, but so I could eat my second sandwich and JP could fill up his water bottles.

I got us on Wilshire but didn't see highland to turn left on, thinking maybe it was Hampton but we wound up back on East and JP took over the nav. I was lost and confused but maybe that was a good thing. Not having familiar roads was good. I didn't know what was coming and just had to try and stay on JP's wheel. Eventually we wound up back on 152. SWEET. I told JP to just head home, I can make it from here but he didn't. He guided me along, we made it back to 7 stars in Rumford where we met in the morning. He got a solid 101 miles in. Add 15-16 miles to that for me and Hundo was complete. Sure I could have called in a ride pick up but I ate a cliff bar, and then rolled home down the bike path. Actually didn't feel terrible, okay I was pretty bad but I could pedal. And there was a slight tailwind. I avoided all the shells... made it home.

It was rough. I was petting the dogs and that stupid weakspot/problem muscle from August locked up with paralyzing pain. I almost collapsed and it took a few minutes to figure out how to move to get it to relax. I was very careful the rest of the night. Was not easy getting undressed, I didn't sit down. I took a shower, and then got into bed. We ordered pizza last night. Maybe not the best post ride fuel but i drank a bunch of seltzer  and a few large glasses of water over the course of the night. Was in bed unable to keep my eyes open but too twingy to sleep at 8pm. Tried to read, nope.

woke up a handful of times through the night, weird vivid dreams, wide awake at 5am, tossed and turned a bit until 6:30 when my brain suggested I needed coffee, and got up. Def very sore still, but surprisingly not terrible. This not drinking a six pack plus after a long ride is pretty amazing. We'll see if i can make it to the NBX party tonight. That'll be a good test 8-10 pm...  tired just thinking about the drive back from 'gansette.

But hey - Goal is done. Hundo in January is in the books. Hopefully February is easier. Def plan to ride the e-bike less, it will be studded tire bike. When I need the studs i'll ride that one. otherwise i'll be on something else and actually working to pedal.

There's probably more detail i should put into the ride, but this is the big paintbrush version. It wasn't really a terribly long ride, but it was longer than I was prepared for. But somehow I survived. Now shit, i have to get the garbage and the recycling out to the curb.

heddwch
G

Crunch time

or time to crack

what brakes first, my determination to follow through or my body..

going to make an attempt at the hundo on Friday. Calendar has been kept clear, weather isn't currently set to have precipitation and it is the warmest and driest of the three options I have left to attempt an all day/hundo. Yeah it shouldn't take all day to do a hundo but fuck it might as well toss in a destination so I have a goal to ride towards or I might not finish the ride. And if I set the destination at least 50 miles away i'll get in the hundo.

of course I ate shit on the bike today, slow motion crash, on the ice, even with studs. But i'm fine, bike seems fine, no big deal, bigger deal would be ice still left on the path/roads on friday. We'll see how that goes.

planning the run to boston and back, only really have to get to Blue Hills, but would like to head to firefly at the least...  it has been a long time since i've ridden more than 60 miles.

But, hey, gotta start somewhere. Kind of thinking about riding the orange surly single speed, aka the tank. Yes it is super heavy. But it also has full coverage fenders and while not perfect for group rides they do keep me dry and after a whole day of rain on top of this mess we have now the roads are bound to be wet. And well...  it is a tank, it has one gear, and well, turn it over, one pedal stroke at a time until the mileage has been ridden.

Not sure about garmin, may try it with the way it is now, maybe it will work. Probably won't, but either way unless it is like the Volvo it won't just start working randomly again after not working.

Interruptions galore today - must be crazy time here...

can't actually believe I'm going to take the whole day off but, 1: i need it, 2: i need to ride, 3: i need to actually follow through with this stupid challenge

so if you wanna ride all day Friday - HMU (hit me up for those not speaking abbreviations well)

heddwch
G

Single speed slogging

Nothing quite as appetite stimulating as riding in on the over geared single speed in the mid-20s...

Hungry and can't shake it. Already have eating all but a tiny bit of my lunch.

Had in my mind a 10am meeting, nope it is 2pm...  was sitting here wondering where the person was just after 10 and then checked the schedule.

Damnit.

have one plan for tweaking exhibit install.

weather keeps changing, sunday no longer looks like a rain event. Just snow and not that much.

Hopefully we don't have to reschedule it.

Hoping the wood pile holds. I need to get the trailer hooked back up to something. I have destroyed all the QRs that work with it. go figure, hauling 100#s of wood at a time isn't the best? Shocking.

Looked at the calendar and finally blocked off all the days I could on my calendar.

Leaves me with three options for riding to Boston. Jan 25th, 29th or 31st. Pushing it to the last day kind of might as well wait till Feb but man can't DO THAT.
Gotta get the Hundo in.

Seriously kind of thinking about the single speed. It is heavy and slow but apocalypse proof and it has fenders. And the brakes work better than the black blue... But well i can probably fix the brakes, either put the V-brakes on there or put some new salmon pads on.

Well it is a winter ride, not supposed to be easy.

Okay - heading out back to the Gallery (have been there every day but Tuesday).

Maybe i'll grab some MORE food on the way back as a 2nd/3rd lunch. Not sure what's for dinner, may need to stop on the way home... 

heddwch
G

Was a good time

The opening reception was fun, felt way too short, talked to a good number of people that were all very enthusiastic about the work, didn't get it or had trouble getting it. Some people I didn't have nearly enough time to talk with, others I didn't even get to say hello to, or just a wave. But it was wonderful that a few dear friends showed up.

Some surprises, but each familiar face made me happy and I guess thinking about it - i kind of went into on stage concert mode. Or teaching demonstration mode. But I guess it is kept in check by the part of me that was anxious about it all. I really want to tweak the prints a bit - maybe have an idea to do a quick edit and re-align them all. There was a bit of sagging, need to sort that out.

But talking about the prints, pointing out the hidden easter eggs, like where this diatom was on the other image and then where the large image is on the sample under the microscope was rewarding and fun.... 

I guess there was more teaching and talking with my stuff than the others but I was kept so tied up with it i didn't notice the two and a half hours just disappear.

I'm glad I didn't have time to get another cup of coffee, i think I might be able to fall asleep soon because of missing it. Perhaps a few prints will sell. If not, it is a nice bit for the resume, a big competitive juried gallery show to put down...

maybe the next one won't be so far off...

or it may be far away but not far off in the future?

life will reveal itself in time...

heddwch
G

to recap

I had a terrible night's sleep, still haunted by dreams/nightmares, I'm feeling over-whelmed, hungry (even having eating breakfast and lunch - yeah still hungry), busy, but tonight's the opening...

Scared, unsure, am i too old to be trying to do this shit...  every doubt and insecurity seems to be enhanced right now... 

not the best thing...

on the other side, i'm doing better at coping with this mindset...

yes, i just want to crawl under my desk and hide until tomorrow... disappear, go away and come back when it is over...  not the correct action but it is not as powerful as it once was... no need for chemical bravery... probably have had too much coffee today, see point number one above.

okay - this was better as a semi cryptic blog post than an even stranger tweet

heddwch
G

what a week

so yeah - things have flipped from the first week of january, it was nice and quiet and calm and slow. kind of deliberate on my part, esp knowing what the last week was going to be like.

Prints, so many prints, only have to sell a handful at gallery list price to cover them (30% margin - so kind of like bikes i guess - how do you price art and then factor the gallery cut - makes etsy and other online 'gallery' fees seem low). Not bitching about it, it is what it is. I'm very much grateful for the opportunity to share the work.

The install has gone well - mostly documented on Instagram, gallery reception is tonight at 5pm. Who knows who is going to show up, i have no idea, been passing out post cards, inviting people. Looking forward to talking with Doug and Damon and Elena even if no one else shows up. The prints aren't installed absolutely to perfection, i think these flat tacks are too slippery, not enough friction to keep the paper from sagging, but ignoring the edges, I really like the way the prints look so i'm trying to ignore the rest, knowing that i'm probably as critical as possible. I'm also pretty okay with not everyone getting it or liking it, that's fine. I think they're a great collection and with the microscopes there to look through, really help document the whole process of scale, and that was the goal of this proposal.

I've been riding the normal bikes lately. first i got everything sorted, the Surly single speed, the big orange tank, has a new crank with 110 BCD rings instead of the unicorn 94 -5 arm ones. Rode that yesterday, I think it is good for a Hundo, me good for getting that in on that bike? maybe not, but never know. The black blue is alive as well, I don't think i've ever had as many drop bar bikes ready to go with their own wheels, 8 of them? Sure there's the Crockett single speed with CX tires and a low gear, there is the Crossrip+ and then the white blue that is set up for trainer riding (did that on Sunday watching the Expanse) and the orange surly, and finally the black blue, but the Q-pro is ready to ride and the paramount is too. Heck even the Adroit has pedals and saddle...  everything has pedals and saddles. the Croll is the only one lingering as a frame, but it is just bars and stem and headset and brakes at this point. Seatpost and cranks and wheels have moved on to other bikes.

But brakes, holy shit do the canti's suck on the black blue. omg so much lever force and the rear ones need to be toed desperately. Then there is the BB7 on the Surly, the pads are pretty worn and the springs have busted but it stops better than the Black Blue (norcross EX that is still too small). And well the Crockett disc brakes are down to the backing as well, need brakes all around. Maybe going with the metallic ones for longer wear.

The big wolvhammer boots are amazing and warm. the heel strike on the chainstay is kind of annoying but not the worst. They are a bit taller and I'll need to adjust the seat height for any ride longer than a commute but no matter what the temp or the ride distance, wearing those means having warm feet.

Gonna hop back on the e-bike for today's commute, I have been getting spoiled by the lights on it for the ride home, but it has def been spoiling my legs, aka making me soft. Has belt good to ride the other bikes this week.

Time for more coffee and a shower and to figure out clothes for the opening and lunch and everything. Kind of hoped that I could invite a few friends out to restaurant week for lunch today but I've had to schedule a bunch of stuff all day and have to make a run to the printer this afternoon and will need to do the normal eat as I'm working thing.

The Bike maintenance class I'm teaching on Sunday is full, just in time for the big nor'easter to blast through and then get really fucking cold on monday. And then I start teaching on the 28th. Getting the Hundo in is going to be tough, and I'm honestly stressing a bit about it but not too much, although I should just sign up for the Michigan race to make sure I can't bail on it. Maybe I'll sell a few prints over the next week and will feel more comfortable spending that money.

Had a wicked disruptive dream that woke me up just before my alarm, writing this helped me forget it for a bit but a flashback to the part that was disturbing and just the people that were in it kind of have me a bit off balance mentally.

moving forward, never stopping, feeling old lately, realizing i am old, and that's an odd thing, it happens and i look around and others seem to be aging faster or more visibly so i usually don't feel old but still...  it is happening i guess... beats the alternative...

more coffee, then prep then crazy then stand around and chill. If you're local (are there any that read this that are?) swing by the gallery tonight. The Chazan Gallery at the Wheeler School. 5-7pm. A proper search engine will get you directions.

heddwch
g

panic attacks

Or what seem to be symptomatically similar. Anxiety, freakout, whatever you want to call it.

Things have been great, good productive weekend, had a couple really good days.

Dropped E off at the airport this morning before 5am, headed back, made breakfast, folded laundry, took kid to school, got shit done, went to pick up print for the staff show (dropping it off in a few but nothing to do between now and then not that I am able to in my state right now)...

driving back, normally I'd take a left on Brown off Olney and head in to the 'hood to park
today I kept going so I could swing past the lab and hesitate by the door, it is windy as fuck and didn't want to walk a few blocks with a 3'x3' bit of cardboard sandwich.

There's a Fed Ex truck in the bike lane, that bugs me, oh well.

then FLASH - what? oh shit

there's a little speed camera box/robot thing... fuck

I turn left in front of the high school and there's no speed restriction there so maybe it wasn't so bad. I was def not doing 20 mph when the flash went off.

I dropped print off in the office, drove back around to see if the truck was still there nope. but right behind where the truck was... the 20mph sign and the photo enforced signs...

fuck
panic attack, flushed skin, queasy stomach, i feel like shit

nothing to do about it now, well other than wait, for the inevitable ticket, and hope there's an option to contest/mitigate in front of a magistrate...  nothings ever smooth and so many people can just keep going somehow this impacts me way more than it should. End result worst case it is just money and I fucked up. Really not a terrible thing.

so why do i feel like this? well this is how i'm wired and well i suppose there are good things that are a result of how I am...

oh well - best fill out the loan agreement and drop off artwork...

heddwch
G

face to face

is good

talking to people you engage digitally with face to face occasionally is important

not to down play those you only interact with via this thing called the internet

but to strengthen their voice in your head, hear their inflections and mannerisms as you read their written/text/email/DM words - it is good

social introverts are a tough nut, esp ones who don't do moderation well

speaking of the moderation this was shared by shoogs - and yeah it fucking resonated
https://medium.com/@mbrevoort/365-days-of-running-5a42bfd43af9

NO - i am not going to run every day. Maybe I'll run but not yet

hard enough right now to try and carve time and energy to plan the January hundo i've challenged myself to

pressure? yes, but necessary

tired

i realized the other day that I am just tired, not ragged, not rolling along on coffee and alcohol, level of function was fine but i was not fine

functional is not fine

i'm not much more than functional right now but I am more present

more conscious

production is different, deeper more meaningful

i'm tired but i can also feel myself resting better feeling less tired

still drinking too much coffee but as i catch up from the last two months

i am starting to self regulate the coffee

key

if i feel more rested i drink less coffee

funny that

I'm mailing out the next batch of post cards
if you want one send me a mailing address

i'm also heading up to the printer
Staff show install is next week- only one print there but I'm kind of super stoked about it - finalized the editing i started yesterday - it's gonna be good - i should rephrase that - I really like it, am pleased by it and think it is fucking awesome and if you don't I don't care because maybe there is someone else who likes it too and then we can high five and those that don't get it can move on to something different

there's always a lot of talk this time of the year about how to be a better you - you'll never please everyone so stop trying, people are different you can absolutely not get along with someone and it doesn't make either of you bad people and more importantly it is okay to let go of past relationships/friendships what you had once has changed, move on and let it pass on behind/bridge/river/whateverfuckingmetaphoryouwant

for me i tend to be a collector, stuff and emotions, memories and feelings..  that will never change, but the whole sober me is helping to realize it is okay to let go of those stinking junk piles that you absolutely will never revisit or use

okay now i'm kind of spouting bullshit but not really, got soapboxing a bit but the truth is there

i'm still figuring it out

somethings I could flip a switch, i guess i just stopped drinking, twice last year, just like that. no taper no nothing. But it took a hell of a lot to get to those places. It was way more complicated than just stopping, the whole stopping the beer first was the first step that lead to success. Sure, i'm about a week away from only 7 months but that's not so bad, pretty good i think.

not trying to make this all AA meeting style blog but the point is back a bit - moving on, collecting something different, new emotions, finding out how to have bad moments not fester and dredge up painful emotions from the past

i guess in other words finally treating the emotional PTSD that has wrecked me for the last 7-8 years the last 5 especially. I was thinking back, what if I had gone sober in '14 instead of just drinking more, what might have happened

that's a very stupid line of thinking, there's nothing to do about it now - except focus forward

and i've got some fun stuff to focus on

the car not being one of them, but i've ignored it for a few days and that feels good

gonna shut up now and head to the printer and get the ball rolling on some expensive production

but this http://www.teachingcancertocry.com/45/2238/ - i read it and it is tough so much empathy for H, Ezra...  man that guy, say what you want, prototypical privileged white dude hipster, but he had a bit of genuine awesome and a pile of charisma and we connected - not face to face, but emails, chats, and DMs and stuff, starting at flickr and moving from there - never had the chance to meet him in person, a regret, but much of what he created was digital and it is still out there, and I still go back and look at it now and then

strange mood eh?

it'll pass

they always do

do good
be kind

heddwch
G

Made it outside... on a bike

It wasn't bad out there. A bit windy but I just took the CX bike, all singlespeeded up and squishy fat tires, put some air in it and got 18 miles or so in. A bit low in the back tire - pretty squirmy on pavement making turns but the little bit of dirt and sand was perfect.

Did some thinking. Wound up swinging through the RISD farm/beach. Remembered what happened there 5 years ago. Was that really 5 years ago...  there are a lot of elements woven into that day, but the thread I keep holding on to is that I had a lot of friends show up for my bandit race. And that was really cool. I should do another one like that before too long.

Lots of talk on twitter about spring adventure/dirt rides this evening. I'm pretty stoked for it. Today was a bit of a test. How did I feel kind of ride.

I did the ride on two coffees and no calories since before bed last night. No water with me, didn't need it. The single speed was way under geared with the tailwind but that was good - helped focus on form and just pedaling. It was pretty good for the headwinds given the level of effort, hard but not too hard. I poked around mostly in barrington. came home, ate a bit of taco salad, had some more coffee, a shower, made dinner, am now trying to lull myself to sleep so I can wake up way early tomorrow and get the kid to school and me to work. The one car thing means I'll be dropping kid off and coming back home and riding in.

I did not touch the Volvo today. Didn't even really think about it much. Would be easier to diagnose if it was running and there were symptoms to use to track it all down. But it is going to have to sit and wait until the weekend. I need a mental break from it, worst case it gets towed somewhere. Where? I dunno. Somewhere with volvo factory code reading capacity incase there's some funky weird level shit going on. Cheaper than buying a new car.

It is 2019, the bike ride got me thinking a bit more. I need to get that other Blue working. My adventure/long haul bike. Crazy how much those two bikes made a difference. I suppose I should get the paramount's fork repaired and put that back into the rotation, but for now it would be enough to get the Black blue running. I might just need to order an adapter rather than keep looking for the one i have. But that's silly, I have it, I just don't know where it is! Well I know where but have to dig through a bit of a mess to hopefully find it in one of two places it is hiding.

But pedaling was good. Tomorrow I'll jump back on the Crossrip+ assist my way to work.

I didn't get the car working but I'm okay with that, the bummer side of it not working has slipped, I spent a good amount of time working on it and I needed today to be chill, to ride, to relax, to recover a bit going into the start of this month.  I'm a bit anxious about working the hundo in but it'll happen, I'll find a way to make it work. And hopefully a weather window that is not terrible to ride to boston in.

Kind of a pointless web log post, but not really, A good reminder to myself to not get lost in the moment of frustration, to just work through it, do your best, even if it isn't the most you can do, it is something more than nothing and even a little has value.

gonna read a bit and hopefully close my eyes early tonight

heddwch
G

Blwyddyn Newydd Dda

To all y'all.

One of these years I'll write a proper retrospective on the year. And one of these years I may just say fuck it and go to sleep.

Not sure I'm going to do either tonight.

Yeah it is after midnight. My back is pissed off and sore from all the crawling around taking the interior of the car apart trying to find problem. Only to find this car isn't like anything in the DIY youtube or other stuff. That's okay. I'm figuring it out, slower than most I guess. But hey at least I can eliminate stuff maybe? Throttle body looks clean so at least that isn't it.  I got everything put back together before the rain started.

Last year at this time I had been beer free for almost a week. I was drinking a bit still though. A creature of habit, one of intense focus, all in, no moderation, each year has many anniversaries of something, often marked with ceremonious drinking. There have been enough big ones that were anxious and uncertain but ultimately I suppose my character helps in this way, there is no road back. Not for a long time, if ever, and that's becoming more and more okay. Gotten it out of our system. A slow build... unsustainable. through that now.

Replaced with seltzer when it is there, plain water if not, but still a shit ton of coffee.

Now I'm 100% on board with the no drinking liquid calories.

I did want to work on the bikes today. Maybe tomorrow I take a break from the car, let that wonder wagon sit for a bit and dig out the bikes and see if I can make some progress on getting a Hundo machine ready to roll. It is going to be tough to find the time in January to make it happen but it has to happen. I need the goal. Going to hold off registering for the Coast to Coast in Michigan for a bit. It only goes up $10 tonight, best not to have the entry fee riding on a credit card until I absolutely have to. Yeah. Fiscally still upsidedown and backwards, making progress, but also explains a bit of pressure why I am trying to keep these two old beasts on the road myself.

So I worked a bit on the car, did more research, drank some coffee this morning, posted stuff on the nanoscape instagram, worked on the car, got a fire started in the wood stove just as the cold rain started falling, then made a nice chuck roast in the oven, roasted some potatoes and carrots, made a big pile of hot salad, and some gravy. It was delicious. Then watched Crazy Rich Asians with the family, had some ice cream, chatted with a friend, having another seltzer or two, and writing a bit.

I'll head back in on Wednesday, hopefully everything is all good and there's no big issue. There's a lot to do, going to be a big month. A good way to start off the year I suppose. Rushing headlong into it. I think a big part of what needs to happen is some letting go. I've been slowly doing it on a smaller basis and it is helping. Nothing critical but well that whole crazy intense side of me, hangs on to stuff, I guess part of it all is the reading too, it has been helping. Esp the thought provoking stuff. No non-fiction, nothing more than good Sci-Fi. That and being more aware of me, of my self. Not having the self perception masked in a haze.

A bit late eh, that concert the other night was pretty easy, slipped right back into west coast mode. But dogs aren't having ANY of this sleeping in thing, well, I'm still sleeping in but 7:30-8am is about their limit. I'd kind of like to get caught up on sleep. That's a goal. And this isn't helping is it. Fuck it. I'll go to bed early tomorrow night.

I'll stop rambling and go to bed now.

heddwch,
g

back to bummersville

Odd how one little thing can push the button. Even if it isn't such a little thing.

But other than this issue, I did manage to have fun with my kid at a concert last night, finish the one crazy long book from one of my new favorite long winded authors, some welsh dude named Alastair Reynolds. A friend was cleaning up and had a few Sci-fi books that made their way to me. Opened the door to a few new to me authors that I might not have found otherwise. One was Alan Dean Foster and his super fun the Taken Trilogy, but that was a quick digestion of fun and imagination. This Alastair guy, so good. I listened to the House of Suns over the summer. Long but complex and unexpected but predictable enough to be fun to read and not a chore, i know everyone has a different balance on that. This one that I finished yesterday, Blue Remembered Earth, was good, but long. Finished that and jumped into the 3rd book of Emma Newman's incredibly dark but well developed and intertwined but stand alone stories of the Planetfall Series. Book 4 is coming out this spring and I'm looking forward to it. They are short reads, relative to Alastairs monster tomes. Finished that today in a vacation mode relaxed and read a bit and physical fog from the trip to boston and the immediate stress before departure.

Writing about the reading of the books has calmed me down a bit, not as bummed. I think that's the most descriptive way to phrase my mood. Not depressed, not sad, but bummed. Total bummer dude. Shit is going fine, but you know, something just has to be a bummer I guess.

It has been a big bummer though. Now the laying around reading wasn't as much of a total was as it was a waiting out a potential fix. As in yeah, the volvo is back doing the no start thing it did before gloucester. Same. Problem. And what I thought was the key to fixing it (battery unhooked and low voltage for a day or two) well about 18 hours of the battery being disconnected wasn't enough to magically fix it this time. That's one reason I was reading. The other was the concert went last last night, I didn't get to bed until even later. But the van ran fine, found parking, on the street, in boston. WTF. SO GOOD. but it was late, I was tired. But that's the nice thing about being sober/straight edge. No temptation to by $8 beers or need to worry about driving home. Make people watching at the club more fun I suppose. Observational, or I'm just back to being that kid my Sister murdered any shred of confidence with when describing someone else being the quiet guy in the corner just staring at people, it wasn't me but it might as well have been. The guy watching, but intensely, easy to mistake intent or meaning. Oh well. I smile more and try to be discrete if I watch other people more intently thank just a passing glance. But then I don't blend in well or disappear all that easily. I'd never heard the band, maybe would have been better if I was a big fan and knew all the lyrics and stuff.

So when the temps peaked this afternoon, and the sun was the warmest and brightest and still shining on the cars, I hooked the battery back up and tried to start the car. Nope. HAHA nothing.

Fuck.

2.5 hours later, dozens of things attempted, all with no success, also not eliminating much other than unhooking the battery didn't fix it this time. No fault codes, there's fuel pressure, it is starting, it is just shutting down before reaching idle. Could be fuel shut off from the immobilizer. Loose wire? worn immobilizer ring? Crank or camshaft position sensor? Throttle body? I dunno. Ran out of warmth and daylight and bagged it for the day, frustrated and bummed.

Still, we have one working car at the moment, and I have a few days to work through the diagnostics. Not terrible. But working on car means not working on bike or organizing or sorting through the stuff I have been wanting to get to for a while. And it is a bummer that it is so maddeningly frustrating. And that this very well described problem is one that is easy to just throw money at paying someone else to go through everything I am, unless they hit and solve it the first time i guess. Or they don't and anyway. Not there yet. But the car has me a bit bummed. Esp after so faithfully hauling us back and forth to and from Virginia. Yes. I gotta be grateful it didn't happen down there. Indeed, I am.

Perhaps there will be a breakthrough tomorrow, or at least fewer variables and progress.

I was trying to get ready for 2019, prepare myself for the immediate onslaught that begins on the 2nd when I'm back at work. Now I'm dealing with this.

Such is life.

Such is life.

Well, sitting in the dregs of 2018, here's hoping this next year isn't so bad.

heddwch
G

That drive

was not easy on the way home.

But I still drove the whole 10 hours.

Got a critical thing done today, then got the van inspected and it miraculously passed and made it to the post office today. Mailed gallery opening post cards to everyone who sent me christmas cards and a couple others.

Stupid level of tired though after the whole being locked out and then being sick and then driving and man that took a lot out.

Still a bunch to get through, have to head to Boston tomorrow night.

maybe i can get the rest of everything done and find time to rest and relax before heading back to work and the maelstrom of catching up from December, getting ready for class to start, prep for gallery opening and staff art show, and somehow get the bike together for a hundo, and find a day to get that done.

life is crazy - but i'm crazier

and now i have to get off my butt and start making dinner

heddwch
G

Straight OUTA Gears

Wearing that T-shirt today.

Probably because one thought while in the shower was, why not just start with the hundos using the single speed? Set up the big orange tank into a more svelte version, lighter tires, slightly bigger gear, maybe different crank just to put that crank back on the MTB if came off of?

Not going to conquer anything too steep on the hundos, And I do kind of like the whole single speed thing if it isn't obvious.

I still want to find that damn BB adapter but I am kind of liking this one gear idea.

So last night... fuuuuck. So much for sleeping.

Couldn't fall asleep last night, even after pushing it. But eventually I did.

To be woken up...  at midnight (an hour or so later) by the white dog with the poop problem that lead to me being locked out (people still continue to wonder why i didn't call someone, or ring the door bell, or ____ yeah well i didn't) I woke up to hear her puking and then the sploosh of the stomach contents.

Awe fuck.

But mystery as to why she wasn't feeling great yesterday. She'd eaten a petrified piece of dog poop, and puked it up more or less intact.

That said - it was now on a plush deep pile white carpet.

Cleaned that up.

eventually feel back asleep.

woke up to some weird stomach noises coming from the dogs...  a couple times... parent brain was on a high active level.

After a few cycles of the HVAC system the room stopped smelling like a mix of dog puke and resolve carpet cleaner and I started to sleep well.  other than being sick, and blowing my nose through the night.

AND THEN THE OTHER DOG...  heard something that prompted a loud BARK!

At least three times. And then the night was over and we had another day ahead of us on less than ideal sleep. At least I'm not drinking.

cooking some enchiladas for everyone tonight instead of going to the movies.

I can't wait to crank the tunes and start creating some delicious mexican dinner. Looking forward to a nice change of pace from simple but good basic foods.

heddwch
G

8 hours later

Spending 8 hours in a car with two sick people (colds/sinus) is a good way to get sick.

This morning i made sure I headed along that path.

BTW - Merry Christmas and all that. Happy all that to you and yours even if you don't celebrate formally, it is hard to avoid the holiday here in the US, one way or another.

What so special about this morning?

Kind of better to follow in tweet form.

A thread: https://twitter.com/Ge_Willi/status/1077483353463554049?s=19

Yeah, I locked myself out of my In-laws house, at 3:20 or so this morning. The little white dog was insistent on going outside. I put on some pants, a t-shirt and headed out. The gates on the back yard are old and not always closed "Always check the gates" that and the dogs were fucking FLYING out the door and off the porch and i really didn't want them to be going after something i might have to deal with. And so i followed them out after opening the dead bolt and heading out. With my phone for some reason. Door went 'click' behind me, dogs were just pooping, walked back and... locked. Ah fuck. It is 30F and i'm barefoot in a t-shirt and everyone is asleep. Fun times.

I knew i had put the garage door code in my phone a few years back so I could get in and out w/o a front door key, no problem right? Go open the garage! Had to find the code, the correct one. Turns out I have a bunch of different alarm codes, all mysterious 4 digit numbers, which fucking one was it.

Figured that out, with relief, went to open the door from the garage into the laundry room.

IT.
WAS.
LOCKED.

Well... fuck.

Knocked on the door, it made a shit ton of racket opening, maybe someone will hear. Nope. Silence. Everyone was TIRED. I guess.

Went to get the dogs into the garage, but no leashes, and who knows what out there for them to chase, so that was a bit of fun going from the back yard to the garage. But hey they went right to the door, and I closed it, hoping someone would hear the door making noise again. Nope.

At least it was a little warmer in there. but upper 40s still isn't exactly comfortable when you aren't dressed for it or working out intensely. I opened and closed the door partially a few times, maybe it would wake them up. Nope.

Called and texted my wife, her phone is usually on vibrate, it makes enough noise that she/we usually hear it. Nope. Make it even better since she was even worse sick wise she went to sleep in a different room and well no one to miss me not coming back in. Texted the rest of the house. For some reason I didn't call the house number. Guess the back of my monkey brain was thinking if they can't hear this monster racket of the door opening, they aren't going to hear the phone.

Time crept on. Eventually little white dog had to shit again, she started doing laps around the new used car in there and I heard a splat and then had a calm dog and a wickked bad stink of dog shit to cope with. Awesome, something to clean up if we ever get out of here. They all were going to mass, they'll wake up eventually.

Dogs were cold. And confused. There was a bit of movement, mice maybe, in there to entertain the black dog, but white dog was cold too. I got coal I guess. My punishment for being such a horrible person is being stuck out in the cold freezing my damn ass off.

Well white dog got a bit agitated again, she wasn't looking comfortable and not wanting two piles to clean up in there we opened the garage and made another trip to the back yard.

Maybe they will hear me open and close it now? (nope)

There was a packing blanket and a couple small fleece blankets in my car, no keys, but one of the back doors was left open (busted motor on the lock, so have to do it by hand) it set the alarm off, but that was just flashing lights (not that anyone would have done anything about the horn going off with all likely hood given my luck).

So now I had a packing blanket and two tiny (very small) bits of fleece fabric. I wrapped up in those and had a much more comfortable last hour or so. Still cold but at least my feet were starting to get some feeling back in them. Dogs settled once, and I was out just after 6 am.

Sure - I could have done this or that or should have tried this or that or why didn't. Well i didn't. I did what i did for whatever reason.

I'm pretty freaking tired though. I fell asleep before dinner for a few minutes, my nose has progressively gotten runnier and runnier, congestion is setting in.

Given the dog's GI stress I probably wouldn't have gotten much sleep anyway, but I wouldn't have had to have been cold.

I CAN'T EVEN BLAME THIS ON DRINKING! Holy shit though yesterday I was ready to start again, or at least found the one situation where I did drink to cope as a mechanism that went beyond just drinking.

This morning was maybe medicine, or meditation or something. Oddly transformative in some weird way. It has been really strange. i did almost deleted the whole thread. Probably should have, I didn't realize my FIL is following along over there, not sure how he felt about it, but everyone seemed to want to know all about it here. Whatever friction was there, oddly it was a nice way to be a public dumbass and engage people with a crazy story, about spending 3 hours in the cold with your dogs locked out of your in-laws house, on christmas morning.

Nose is running - sinus pressure could go either way, we were maybe going to drive back tomorrow but i'm tired (not sure why i'm typing this right now, this late, i'm tired - maybe ensuring i can fall asleep when i turn the lights out?) and after this morning one more day hanging out - sleep in - be low key, maybe cook food for everyone, vacation a bit here with the family before heading back north.

The dogs are zonked out, i think it took as much out of them as it did me.

On to the next adventure.

till then,
heddwch
G

But damnit the real reason I started to write this I haven't even gotten to.

Heading back here after dinner at the other house, i got in the car to warm it up, transmission is a bit cranky when cold, and took out the hardwired CD and popped in and cued up one of the few christmas songs I can stand and love.  The Pogues Fairytale of New York. Youngest gets in with E and the song starts and she knows the words, and the melody, WHAT? HOW IS thiS POSSIBLE WHAT KIND OF CHRISTMAS MIRACLE IS THIS???? We sang it together, then we sang it again.

I was given this album on a cassette tape, middle school maybe? I didn't ever wear that tape out but I know every note, que and lyric on the whole thing, and here is my youngest kid SINGING ALONG WITH ME "you scum bag you maggot you..." yeah all of it, I guess there's a bit of history to explain to make sure she understands the meanings and the layers to the politics involved in writing the song but that can way, a proud dad can sit here and still grin about the fact that even as odd as it found a spot on a rotation where she's listened to it enough to be able to sing along in tune, on cue with it, so stoked. Merry Christmas.

merry christmas
g

What a week -edit w/extra

I survived last week, in much better shape than ever before.

came back with a solid good feeling.

Jinxed myself with the whole having a huge bladder, but then that day was an early one with lots of water and coffee and 4+ hours between opportunities to take a leak.

Played music. Took some snapshots with my phone.

Massive panic at the airport when I realized about 10 min after I got out of the car that my phone was in the car. That was pretty terrifying. I don't have my mother's cell phone number memorized, besides where the fuck was i going to find a phone to use to call her with? And my boarding pass, and contacting ANYONE about getting picked up or that i'm okay or yeah i'm sure you can fill in the blanks. I had taken it out of my pocket when i got out of the car. Got distracted with the good bye to my mother and boom walked into the airport, into the bathroom, and halfway to check in bags before I realized I didn't have my phone, panic retrace to bathroom then dread and terror took over when i realized oh shit it is in the car.

Fortunately my phone was on, and even MORE so, I got a spam call BEFORE my mother left the drop off zone. So she waited. Was there when I came back out.

Kind of magically amazingly guardian angel like crazy.

Got my phone and had a really solid rest of the trip. Got on the first flight with the extra time folks, got the violin stored and an Exit row window. Finished a book, watched most of a movie, got to Chicago midway and my back was only slightly fucked. Sat on the other side of the plane at the window for the flight from there to PVD, watched Ready Player One (differed from the book by a good bit but close enough that I'll let it slip) got home.

Picked up not in my wife's preferred vehicle, the minivan, so i was already bracing myself that something was fucked up with the van.
Sure enough - check engine light. Wish I could have found time to get it inspected BEFORE the trip. Code should be there still, hopefully nothing too crazy, or at least hopefully something that can be resolved easily? Maybe? We'll see.

Cold but clear and dry on the bike in this morning. Not bad.

A lot to think about from this week, we'll see how it settles and shakes out.

Confirmation, my dad is a selfish asshole and making my brother's life kind of a miserable hell, but he's still our dad and well. yeah. He has Atypical Parkinsonism. If he had gotten his shoulders replaced before it set in he might not be in such bad shape, as it is both shoulders are pretty fucked up and well the disease has progressed a bit and he's starting to have a little bit of cognitive decline, so who knows how long. Which is why when he was diagnosed in CO with parkinsons that he got worse on the drugs. Hey it wasn't actual PD. And we're at year 3 of it.

Atypical Parkinsonism Treatment
Although research is deepening medical understanding of these disorders, atypical Parkinsonian disorders are progressive and as yet there are no treatments that effect a cure.
Supportive physical and occupational therapies can help patients cope with their symptoms, and maximizing the patient’s ability to swallow is particularly important. Psychiatric and other specific manifestations of these diseases may respond to medication.

He's got a twice a week PT with someone who only works with PD patients, and plenty of other doctor stuff, but like the quote there from Johns Hopkins, what is there to do? not much. If symptoms worsen much further he may need more care than can be provided at home.

So I'm going to look at trying to get out there sooner than later to spend more time there. Unfortunately there's not a good window to get out there with teaching this spring, but there is one, and i'll start keeping an eye on ticket prices, hopefully i can work in a day spent on the bike too.

Well, now back to catching up from being gone, even though everyone here is mostly gone, still a pile of shit to do.

Even more to do at home, even without the potential unknown issue with the minivan.

There's probably a bit more rattling around to say but I am going to grab some lunch and get back to everything else.

Heddwch
G


--post publish--

Cyclocross Nationals.

I did actually manage to wake up early enough and my Brother's really spotty internet worked well enough to see the Women's race. Timing didn't work to see the Men's race, or anything on Saturday, or anything before the women's race.

So I watched that. I caught some of the feeds, but I had to mute a few people and unfollow others. Had. To. And it worked. I don't matter to them, easier for me to deal if I don't stay connected or get reminders. Although one of the unfollows keeps popping back up in twitter, too many cross over people and the algorithm sends the tweets to my feed. I hadn't muted this group before, unfollowed once before but had followed back again, maybe a mistake.

It was also helpful being on the west coast and so out of sync with everything even on that time zone.

Did I wish i was there in L'ville? Yes. But also totally okay without being there. Def glad I didn't race.

I did find myself thinking that maybe USAC should put a 3 day restriction on races. No more than 3 days or 1500 racers can ride one course/year/month something. esp when it is wet and muddy. Although yes that is part of the course and conditions and it is cyclocross and it is supposed to be hard and running is a big part of it. And yes, like at Fruitlands, it was faster to run and if you wanted to win and do well you needed to get off the bike when it was faster to run and not be a stupid butthead and find the fun in riding it all even if it was slower.

I might wrap more ideas up about that part of last week later. I do need to check to see what the dates are for next year and see how it fits into the whole Yuletide concert process.

NOW i'm going to get lunch - even after a long phone call talking microscopes.

inflight thoughts - plus some extras

We have 29 minutes left in flight, i’ve had three waters, finished my water bottle, three cups of coffee and haven’t moved from my seat.

talk about extended bladder range.

Years ago when my father bought his first F150 when he retired the Econoline van i grew up in and he drove to DC, he got the one with two fuel tanks. He also eventually got an escort station wagon, commuting in the big truck was less than ideal but the truck worked for everything else he did.

Including driving to Colorado to pick us up or to go on camping trips. Yeah about the CO pick up, that’ll have to wait for another story. Two fuel tanks. That’s some serious range. One fuel tank usually was enough to force a stop well before needed. Two, mean that anyone but my dad and my brother’s would need to stop and relieve their bladder well before the truck needed gas.

That truck got totaled one summer day, Fortunately it was on a local grocery run and only one or two of us were with our dad, and everyone was wearing a seatbelt. Brenin was stoked and confused about the Firemen giving him a lollypop for wearing his seatbelt. Normally when the four of us travel with him, two of us were in the bed of the truck under the cap. We grew up there in the back of that truck, not literally, but we spent enough time back there on the army surplus canvas wrapped open cell foam pads bouncing around in the heat and the noise that it seemed normal. That second truck? Well either due to availability or spec, the baseline truck with manual transmission and hand crank windows and vinyl bench seats, well, there was only one tank. And my Step mother couldn’t have been happier. Finally a reason to stop and get out of the truck on road trips at a reasonably interval.

It is pretty strange headed back to Seattle/PacNW with my dad now living out there. 40 years ago he left. My mother had fallen in love with my step father, my dad was drinking as much or more than any of us did/have/do and and well they got divorced, he stopped drinking, started smoking instead but not in front of us, we spent some time with him at his apartment before he left. We were little, he was ill-equiped to deal with us, having pretty much zero interaction with the other three, and with me? Many many local fishing trips, where we’d catch lots of fish, he’d drink constantly, I didn’t noticed it, mind it, see any issue with it, but reflecting yeah it was there. I saw a very different view of him than anyone else. Sheltered in many ways, it developed a strange non-talking relationship, that none of my other brothers have with him. Heck my wife got him talking non-stop driving down from somewhere one year. We spent three days driving to Colorado and had one, maybe two conversations that lasted more than a explaination of where we were or a memory of his trips through there.

It was his last trip through and maybe I wanted it to be his trip, i wanted to talk but didn’t. Wanted to tell him everything that had happened, how someone broke up one of the more infamous mid-pack masters teams and the story behind that.

I never did.

Once he was there my brother’s started flying out to help, the first three I missed. The first was fun for them but kind of last minute, I had other commitments I couldnt get out of, all the trips were either last minute or impossible to make work for me. On their second one he started opening up to my brothers about the troubles with my step mother that lead to his divorcing her and ultimately left him alone with failing health in the middle of nowhere colorado.

Talking with my brother after I landed and on my way here, I got a better glimpse into my dad’s decline. Talking with my dad on the phone on his 80th birthday sunday was tough, he had changed, mentally not the same, weird verbal patterns. But my brother filled in a bit more, but no one has really given me the full medical story. I don’t think my dad is capable of doing that, and he’s always been adverse to medical care, and watching over the years his doctors have been high profile pill pushers, I’m fairly certain all the cholesterol drugs and other macro indicator adjusting pills he was taking contributed to the neurological decline. Goal is to make sure I have a chance to pry out of my brother or his wife more what the docs are saying.

So even now, not much has change, I’ve been kept at an arms distance to the actual what is going on, Probably not deliberate but when something is this complicated and no on has been able to get you the full history where do you start?

I’m sitting here, in the studio, looking out at the trees I planted in the early 90s, in a part of the field that was 2” of topsoil over clay, they took years to establish themsleves but now they are 3-4 stories tall and laden with cones. A bit tightly planted, intended to thin them at some point, but they are self regulating now. The alder trees are totally moss covered and a barrier to the ancient douglas fir on the top of magic hill. it is quiet. the rain is falling. I didn’t go to sleep until 11pm or so work up when it got light and then fell back asleep until 8-830. Made coffee… there’s no wifi down here, but that may be a good thing. I can read and write off line drinking coffee and having some quiet. My oldest kid is sleeping down here in the studio. We’ve got our space and the concerts are coming up tomorrow and well like my brother said - there’s really nothing different, we’ve been doing this same pattern for a long time now, it is routine. There are variables in play that are different this year but shouldn’t perturb the pattern too much.

Time to post before I add too much more.

heddwch

G

pick it up put it down

one thing after another

thing is I never stop

some tasks are annoying but gratifying when done, some are good just doing them, but there are so many of them, so much to do, that yes my mind often wanders to what has to get done and then also what isn't getting done that needs to but gets left behind.  Like cleaning the bike room and looking for a few bits and parts and re-organizing it so I can get all the fucking bikes in there w/o jamming them together. Or just cleaning shit up. Not great at that. but mostly i know where stuff is. Case in point i knew where ONE of the bottom bracket adapters was, just not where the other one is.

starting tomorrow morning things are going to be non-stop crazy until i get home at 1 in the morning (i'm calling it the 19th but I guess technically it is the 20th but SO GLAD IT ISN'T A RED EYE).

Why? This, the same thing we do every year. Combine Pinky and the Brain with Groundhog day and you've got the big weekend at http://magicalstrings.com/YT_2018.htm yup. Very much like Groundhog day. each time we tweak it a little. Last year Marshall was sober and I was drinking more vodka than beer (never felt better there) and now this year we're both sober and my oldest kid is coming and it is the 40th AND my dad just turned 80 on Sunday and yeah. Fucking CRAZY.

40th isn't a big deal right? No, not a big deal, Who cares, it is just a number.

That's what I was told when my 40th got borked by my sister's wedding. I had already started planning 12 months out, this birthday was going to be the one that turned it around for me and made me take the first step towards making the day a good one, a step to start reversing the curse. And 4 months after that, well my sister announced that she's getting married and they are getting married a day before/after/i forget around my birthday. And yeah we've gotta fly the whole family out and she was very needed and self centered (she's mellowed a bit since) and inflexible and well, yeah added extra suck to more suck. Just another shitty birthday. It is just a number, who cares, why is it such a big deal for you? Because I've always seen it be made a big deal for others? esp 40th and 50th. Why? I don't fucking know. Although I do know and can logic out why they are such big markers and all that. And well this shit, yeah - there's a huge layer of PTSD lingering beneath the surface with this anniversary. But hey - the concerts are always good and people in the audience are wonderful and nice and say nice things and do express genuine thanks for us being there. It is kind of cool to be a tradition for many people, esp this time of year. There aren't many who've been to every concert, besides us on stage, but it is a pretty fucking big deal to have carried on this tradition so many years in a row.

A hell of a lot of work, but a big deal.

I may have found some motivation for pedaling in the spring:
https://micoasttocoast.com/

Pretty cheap per-mile race/ride. Downside, logistics, getting there, and getting in shape for a gravel double hundo.

But i had been thinking about a double hundo for June anyway. This might be kind of fucking perfect. I should make sure I talk myself out of doing it on a Single speed. Gears would be good. The Crockett with the monster tires would be likely the best bike for it. Although the gearing on the Klein is totally good, but body would be better on the crockett for that long.

Tempting, need a BikeReg sniper software, register me before it closes if I don't before then, with the event capped at 550 and they are already at 211... 

well - more later - plugging on - hating the process - not finding good results but keep on keeping on..

"Carry Wood"

i like that

heddwch
G

13 kids

A teacher friend brought 13 of his science class kids and they were awesome, and me forcing into the engaging mode engaged them and then it fed back and i felt good.  mentally much better after that.

also pretty productive getting shit done.

avoiding the "social" or anti-social media

making the fire, making it nice and warm

starting to put the season of a dozen races away

So few amazing races, good times seeing people and it was a good season back
 but still that wanting - the frustration - can't remove it - but that's good, hopefully it'll fire up the motivation to be in a better place next year.

May just need to stick to the SSCX totally, even if it means driving to one or two more races and maybe only going to spectate at the big ones.

But that is a long time from now.

A lot to accomplish in the next 24 hrs

books are downloaded, music not so much, will have to work on that.

now i'm going to work on sleeping

after I load up the stove for the overnight run

heddwch
G