whirlwind begins

The whole extra couple days of working a week is going to be fun.

But actually fun. 

And exhausting.

Got a great ride in on Sunday, bailed on riding saturday morning early because, early and not recovered and the sty chalazion or whtever the fuck is in my eye has been messing with my sleep, oh and the big really bad idea ride on Wed kind of kicked my ass.

I did take saturday off the bike - went down to work, stopped and got groceries on the way home, ate, went to bed, got up early, met the Monks at Big River. There was SO much rain on saturday, but it was also as dry as it can get w/o being in a drought. The trails were so parched and dry that only the already damp wetland areas held any water and even then the puddles/water was less than it is normally. While the soil was damp it was solid.  

Chasing the little squirrel riders (me, i'm the big bear) i could see the very subtle disruption in the mix of organic debris where their tires had gone (somehow i kept getting a handful of seconds behind them). 

Thought about influences growing up, specifically in this case Tom Brown's Tracker, and then also how much the Pacific Northwest Indigenous culture and other indigenous cultures influenced me...  I read a lot growing up, still read a lot, but the realization of just how unique it is for some white dude to have been so profoundly influenced by the native traditions and cultures in many ways. Sure i was able to pick and chose, not perfect but the harmonious existence with their surroundings, the paying attention to everything and the practical knowledge resonated.

Anyway, got me wondering how many of my friends read the Tom Brown stuff growing up...

probably not to many, 

While the trails were damp and tacky the roots were icy slick, most of the rocks weren't much better and the foliage was dripping and the air was dense. I shoulder checked a tree at one point and then ever wet shrub i brushed with my shoulder stung with a new application of water. 

The change in traction was fun, made it different, more challenging, we had a great ride, I made it back finishing both bottles ON the ride, again running out of water. My heart rate wouldn't go up, max of only 153, but most of the time when it would have been 155 (just looking down at it after a stupid hard climb in the singlespeed) it was 144...  tired...  still... also the heat but mostly i think fatigue. I could feel the lack of snap. (guess i am going to garmin connect for the data instead of strava - dunno why it won't let me see it if i recorded the data - that's pretty fucking dumb - you want me to pay for the service to see the data i collected? not your analysis just the numbers not super cool but then maybe it is a good thing and it will motivate others to pay - but me? nah - i'll go to garmin).

One thing that was different was i felt a bit easier going up, the hard low cadence stuff (fucking most of wednesday to be honest) actually seemed to take a bit less effort, was slightly less taxed at the end. Now was that just because my HR was low and it felt easier or is the perception due to an adaption?

Hard to tell honestly, but i'm going to go with a slight adaptation.

Another really cool thing is just how many different subtle ecosystems/biomes there are out in Big River. Super cool and different to ride through them all, they each have a different feel and i just fucking love it. 

AKA MOUNTAIN BIKES are awesome. Duh.

Sure the Deer Flies hatched this week so that is a new less than fun thing out there, but they are pretty minor and don't impact how awesome it is out there. 

Short week. we'll see what happens out there, lots to pack in. No big rides this week - maybe next week. Have another couple days of vacation to use or lose, def using at least one if not both for some big day midweek fun rides.

stay safe, stay healthy, wear your mask (w/o a vent- no vents - vents are evil and horrible and might as well NOT wear a mask) 

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch
G

now THAT was a bad idea ride

Trademark that. I was warned.

I knew it was going to be rough going in.

I saw the elevation profiles, the % grades.

I saw the temps.

I knew there was likely no spots to resupply on the course.

And yet, I loaded up, put on my sunscreen, brought as many bottles as I could carry and set out.

With one gear.

30PSI in the 700x45 Hutchinson Toureg tires on the Aeolus 3V wheels.

38x15 gears... lights, tools, two sandwiches, two cliff bars, sleeve of margarita blocks USB battery and a cable for the phone and garmin, bandana around my head (sweat catcher) and around my neck (germ and dust catcher). Stuck a 4th bottle in the mini-frame bag.

I chronicled the ride using instagram stories, quick video clips throughout the day. 

There was a lot of climbing. There was a lot of sand and big rocks, and sticks, and spiderwebs and deer flies. Two ferocious dogs that chased and barked and nipped at my heels (twice). 

There was a death grip descent and then a drop over a log, looked clean, went over it only to see what was hiding was a SECOND log. I for sure thought I was going over the bars, but managed to hold my body position back and keep from pitching forward and just barely recovered and nose rolled over the second log. If it was a mm or two further away from the first log i'd have eaten shit pretty badly in a really remote area. 

Of course there were the wide open dirt road descents. that were not straight. 

Did I mention we haven't really had much ran in the last couple weeks? And this stuff is mostly sand? 

It was slippery as fuck out there. BUT even on the steepest grindy bits in that tall gear, those tires held on like velcro and the width saved my butt countless times over in the lose sand. No it isn't as good as the big 3" tires on the MTB but it was still better than most CX bikes can run.

I did have to walk up a few hills. One just went on and on and on and it was hot and i just couldn't keep pedaling. So I got off, and started walking, and then realized I could eat while I walked, it was about half way. Good time to eat. Then a CCB rider on a red specialized saw me walking up and slowed way down and asked if I was okay/needed anything. I just said - singlespeed - sudden dawn of recognition across his face and he was rolling again. 

Saw Melissa and Tracey out there. Talked to them for a few minutes, I needed the break, had just climbed some stupid steep stuff, lots of as slow as possible but still moving forward climbing before seeing them. 

heard a few thunder booms while chatting with them, they headed down the stuff I went up and I kept moving. Saw some signs of rain drops but never got wet all day. 

Ran out of water even rationing it. Looked at all the houses for someone outside I could ask to fill bottles up from a hose, no one. No stores.

Popped out at the DPW garage where I did the first singlespeed MTB ride in Arcadia, and knew there was an Ice cream shop up the road from there, but the route turned off well before that and well... i followed the route.

Made it to Don's house a few miles from the end of the route. And yes, There were LOTS of times when I could have just said fuck it and headed back, skipped a section, but i didn't, i, like a dumbass, followed the course exactly. And had to ride the last 10 miles completely out of water in the hot sun in upper 80 temps. okay well i think i saved the last swig of water until maybe 5 miles to go. 

At Don's i drank a couple bottles of ice water there - gave myself a brain freeze, he had a bottle of ice coffee ready and i left with that and two full big bottles of water. And rode right up the big fucking hill. 

BTW the bandanna was really helpful for filtering out all the dust.

And then finished all three bottles just after getting on the East Bay bike path for home. Legs recovered enough to sprint down cranston at full speed, was a surprise. All recovered and more hydrated and fueled (finished my last sandwich on the coventry bike path - the downhill with a tailwind part). 

The gear was fine except when it wasn't which means it should have been a bit lighter - maybe a 38-17 instead, but in the end, I made it home. chatted with John Harris just after the 100 mile mark. 

got home - drank a bunch of water, ate a big salad, then some potato chips, had more water and tried to sleep. 

Got up, got on the same bike and rode in. Felt pretty good actually.

it was a long day in the saddle, but a good day...

The consistent ear worm? for some reason this

It was a lot of work, lots of low cadence grinding, high speed downhill death grip (i do now want hydros on this bike - the Spyres are great cable brakes but they are NOT hydros).

might have to put the wideos up somewhere to preserve them... maybe IG feed...  will think about that

anyway

wear your mask

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch

G

PS embedded the videos over on the IG: https://www.instagram.com/ge_willi/ 

my turn for bad idea ride

this i guess is pretty much every big ride, right?

tomorrow is bad idea ride ...

been too long...

also?

been a while since I've had a good long ride alone. 

tried to wrangle up a few folks, no dice.

weather's looking iffy, riding alone is fine in a thunderstorm, no muddy spray from the other riders. 

on the other hand I guess it will be interesting to see how the roads do with the big fat tires

and singlespeed

and the 8% grades

not the MTB

no the CXy bike - the same set up I did the Coast to Coast on, but this time one gear. 

mark shared the gearing for his ride - and well, i'm smack in the middle of 2nd and 3rd... in his opinion pretty tall. 

but this is the east coast, it ain't west coast, we've got short punchy hills, not long sloggy silly things that go on forEVER.  AkA single speed is just fine.

i hope

we'll find out

best get home and start organizing everything

water is the one variable i've not totally figured out

but fuck it - that's part of the game right?

course is loaded on the Garmin...

lets see what happens...

worst case it'll be a good story...

heddwch
G

Everest This

Take a break from the dumpster fire world we're in right now and read this:
https://www.wsj.com/articles/he-climbed-everest-on-a-bike-twice-in-one-week-11592833156

Sure - Siberia is melting, and fuck it all what isn't.

Been a bit since last writing, I should be doing something like eating lunch right now, but nah.

Father's day weekend eh? Hope your's was good. I got in a good ride with the Monks in Big River. we drew a snail on strava and then i went back out and made a little 45 minute loop, rode up Don's on the Single speed and generally found a bunch of extra hills I didn't intend to ride. And then went back to the van, sat, chatted with Jim and then Jack. Headed home and was wiped out.

The ride was great. But the day started auspiciously. Flat rear tire. Felt like it was losing air last week, but I'd been checking it all week, stayed inflated. even Saturday, felt a tiny bit softer maybe but was full of air until i went out in the morning and found it. Put air in it, stopped to put more air in a few times just for good measure. i think maybe the narrower rim is changing my calibration number (need more air) but maybe there's a week bit of a hole somewhere.

I'll deal with that later. Maybe.

Father's day is tough on both ends. This year was good in that I actually didn't have to make dinner for a change and I got out for a mtb ride. last year I talked to my dad, he was still in rehab, but I only got to talk to him via my brother who was visiting and called for my dad. Saw him in december. Funny thing is when I'd say something about feeling bad about not calling more frequently he always replies "it is a two way street." For a longest time it just kind of kept me calling more regularly, but then, I dunno, if it is a two way street - time for traffic to go both ways. it is stubborn duh but also hey if he doesn't want to call, maybe he doesn't want to talk. IDK. I did send him a photo of myself out in the woods with the bike via text and the words happy father's day. But his voicemail box is full, and he probably doesn't look at his phone. And i was talking with brother out here last night, he hasn't gotten a call and he's arguably the closest with our dad, he's also kind of given up trying to reach out and talk lately, I expressed the feeling that if I had a son, and my son became a father, I'd sure as FUCKING HELL call his ass on Father's day to wish HIM happy father's day, my brother absolutely agreed with that...  so I dunno. Mulling about that seems pretty fucking trivial when people are getting killed and lynched and maced and beaten up and having rights taken away and brutalized and getting sick from the pandemic and fucking DUMPSTERFIRE.

Fuck. 

I've got a vacation day I need to use or lose, there's a fuck ton of shit going on, hoping to take it this week go do a stupid ride. not Jackbombay stupid (205 miles on a roadbike with a sturmey archer 3-speed hub) but maybe just half that with a third of the gears.. with a lot of gravel.

Jim G has a really cool devious route in the works...  but this week I'm thinking the Greasy Joe's gravel route, but ride there, on the Crockett - still singlespeeded - hoping to get Chip to join for the GJ part of it, so he can pack a cooler of cold water/skratch/whatever and I can top up at the start and at the end of that 50 mile section so i don't have to do the full 100 miles unsupported. But you know what you can count on? Schedules not lining up. But hey we'll see. 

The was definitely a good low low last week. Bit of a rebound but still strange. Did drive down to 'Gansett on Saturday. That drive is going to be a deal breaker unless I can put a MTB ride in on one end or the other and that's looking really good. Stopped in to the old shop and got kicked out of the employee entrance by the blue shirts from corporate. Waited like the customer I am and went in and checked out the showroom (wasn't allowed in the back to see what changes happened there). Which was weird. But whatever, I get it. 

I really should stop writing and following tangents that pop up in my head as I'm writing (like posting a photo from last year) 

That was one of the best days on the bike - ever maybe. It had fucking everything, good bad ugly awesome... 

Well - better eat before the meeting.

Maybe I'll catch back up with the rest later. 

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

amplify this

 

 for real - 

like listen over and over - 

there's so much in this short set so much love

link: https://www.npr.org/2020/06/15/875430577/alicia-keys-tiny-desk-concert

Stevil keeps the writing real, check his: buckle up

and then go back and listen to Alicia again...

heddwch

G

not sure what it means

But I headed over to the youtubes this morning - Brandi C was up there with a birthday tribute mix of three songs...  and then her Boston Calling set from 2017 cued up...

I got lost in the music for a while, and i had to blot away tears a few times...

Carl shared the Alicia Keys tiny desk, go not ever partway through the first song and had to blink that shit out of my eyes, hit stop and stop working at my desk. 

Was riding in this morning...  not good... you know we all talked about that category of feeling like shit and esp when you can't place exactly what it is that is making you feel like shit and then you feel even worse because you are one of the lucky ones and then it makes it even worse and you just sort of spiral down into uselessness? yeah...  that...

I'm tired. Like holy shit how fucking tired I had no idea. But haven't been sleeping much once the sun comes up, haven't been sleeping well when the sun is down. haven't managed to take a nap because i have been drinking enough coffee to be functional and well that ain't working for the sleep, have been stopping drinking coffee soon enough to fall asleep. 

And the world is fucking crazy... I'm worried more about my friends than ever, although, I gotta wonder, do I really have any friends, maybe not. They are all just people that I know. yeah this is def in line with how i'm feeling at the moment - it'll probably change - you can read into it what you want...

It was a slog in this morning, not because of the ride the day before. Just was a slog. The MTB ride was awesome. there was one stupid steep climb that took every last everything to get up, I got up it, and my HR stayed pegged for a surprisingly long time. The effort was total, maxed out oxygen capacity, curious.

But the ride was awesome, fun. Who'd a though I'd feel perfectly happy riding XC through rock gardens on a singlespeed mid-fat 29r trail bike. Hell I only have 120mm travel up front, is it really even a trail bike?  But with that dropper down zoom zoom.

Did drop a chain, managed to avoid serious injury. Need to tension it back up. Lost a few PSI in the tires - running under 10 is not fun, 10.5 is probably the lowest I can go, but i started at 11.5, somehow lost something out there. Added more and it held, checked when i got back and it was 11. 

Really love that Topeak digital floor pump. One stroke is 0.5 psi on the gauge with my tires. 

I don't want to make anyone who feels slighted by my comment above - i'm just feeling pretty lonely i guess. And tired. And overwhelmed. But

but...

That's pretty much normal - keep pushing on until it passes - keep doing what i can and then do a little more for everyone else. 

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch

G

what are streaks?

but things to be broken...

that social distancing TT series, ain't feeling it. Similar route to last week, three long slightly uphill segments and I'm just not feeling it this morning - been a long week, tired. Gonna rest and take it easy and just fucking not. Also I don't think anyone has done it yet, and scores haven't been run for the week before. AND the TT bike (aka the paramount) has a front flat. Happy it didn't happen on the ride but now it is just one more thing to do. I think i'm gonna pass on this, save the riding energy for tomorrow's MTB ride.

Sitting outside with coffee right now is pretty fucking awesome. It is that perfect morning to sit and drink coffee and hang out with the dogs and the squirrels. 

Not feeling the urgency to go ride. Not a big week on the bike but i managed to get on it every day i think, no assist, a day with nothing isn't so bad. 

There is a lot going on out in the world, it is troubling.

A brief bit of happiness is having someone else make dinner. That's what i've done pretty much every night forever. But since the start of the stay at home stuff and the oldest coming back from college, they have been cooking the odd meal or two and baking a lot. It is REALLY nice. Like wow, what is it like to always have really good food made for you. Can't imagine. Lux.

Some what of a new but same routine. Bike shop is changing. Feels odd to have been through this a couple times already. With the same group of people. First it was getting hired at 4th street, working for Caster's. They had long hours and was next door to ballet and kid needed orthodontics and we needed more cash and boom, went from hanging out to working there and haven't really looked back since. 

But then there was the transition from Caster's to NBX. There's a good long story behind those and maybe that's for another time, that transition wasn't really much of a big deal. Nothing really changed, but some stuff did. Suddenly we were three stores, and just before that I think I had started just assembling stuff. Schedule was tight and well, bikes came in, I put them together, and a big more than half all wound up being transferred and sold out of other locations. It was a good deal for me. BUT the shop wasn't air conditioned and there were no windows, just a door in the front and a door halfway down. Good ceiling fans but they just moved the gross summer air around. It was not fun in the summer, but I had my own bench in the back, I could hide and do my thing. It worked well. But the shop was always kind of hidden, off the beaten path. And eventually no more dancing.

About the no more dancing time NBX expanded and picked up the EP location, now 4 stores large. And then opened up in a new space on Hope street. Finally high traffic frontage. Downside was the interior layout sucked. I was building using a table and a stand, I'd have to set out my tools before I started and pack em up when i was done, there was no room for bikes and not many were being shipped in to the location and if customers were wandering around in the back they'd ask me questions and I wouldn't build as many. It was a light summer of bikes. Some weeks there was nothing to build. And then that manager went back to EP and asked me to move over and work there, sure. They put together a bench in the basement, I had my own ascend terminal and bench and peg board and i started cranking out bikes like a fucking machine. 

That's over now. Saying goodbye to that bench. We'll see where the next bench pops up, take some time this week to not think about bikes, maybe stay on with Matt and the NBX guys, it is a bit of a drive but there is some good MTB riding on the way there and back. The old shop, actually the Hope street, and Warwick as well as East Providence are switching over to become Trek Factory stores. They do things a bit differently and it wasn't going to be a great fit and the hours they are opened are longer and things are actually in s a stable enough place that I am not critically relying on that paycheck to pay bills. First time since I started the second job that I can say that. Took 10 years or so, I'm gonna guess that there was also a good fiscal boost when i stopped drinking. I never bought much of the fancy stuff, but if Torpedo was on sale, well that six pack was good for one night, even the daily six pack of gansett tall boys added up. Actually wound up saving money even though I was probably drinking more, when I switched to vodka. See it is all inter-related. Lots of good came out of the not drinking. Two years later and my eyes are recovering, still not as good as they once were. 

So I'm not going to go out and do the same loop with a twist on the TT bike. I'm going to relax (for a change), take it slow this morning. Head in and gather the beer truck bike (needs a chain and probably should just single speed it, gears are dumb) have to decide if I change the fork seals or not. Maybe not, I dunno, but probably should. Go hang out one last time with the old crew before everything gets dismantled. 

Maybe I'll grab the book and fill up the coffee and sit outside and read this morning while the rest of the house sleeps. 

be well, take care of yourself, take care of others, actively be anti-racists and

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch

G

a moment

Y'all know I was a big John Prine fan. 

And to be honest it doesn't feel right to share this much white right now but you've got till the 14th to watch this before it is pulled from Youtube.

it is well worth the time. I'll be perfectly honest, I teared the fuck up through most of it. But then y'all know I'm also an emotional bag of sticks.

Tall lanky sticks.

Brandi Carlile doing the three part harmony thing, holy fuck that was good...

hold on - i'm gonna rewind and watch that again, i'll be right back (starts right about at minute 32)

Watch in chunks and fits and starts or sit down all at once. But i'd suggest taking the time to watch this before it goes off the air.

there is other news and things are changing and people are still racist assholes.

Diversity and Inclusion

just a different take on 

Thoughts and Prayers

about as effective for making change...  if you aren't actually being anti-racists, start. 

Do something.

and the most important thing I think we need right now is to ensure everyone can vote - by - MAIL - in - every - state.

Will that happen before november? I hope so, maybe the continuing pandemic will finally get enough people sick enough that they'll wake the fuck up and do something about it... till then, wear your fucking mask.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch

G

Two Years

Thanks for joining me here, there's a lot going on. If you are one of those all lives matter folks and aren't adding all lives don't matter until black lives matter, you've got a problem. If you are saying but what about this group (cyclists) or something with limited or less value placed on their life. No you are not wrong but take that pain and use it to begin to understand where the BLM movement is coming from. 

I suspect no one making it this far along in following my random musing and brain dumps here is going to be shocked at me saying that and I be y'all probably feel the same. Now how we go about making it all happen is a bit of a variation I suppose. 

Remember it isn't enough to not be racists, you have to be anti-racist.

Every day. Support those around you.

You know do the same shit you do because you're a good fucking human and that is what we're supposed to fucking do! 

Anyway - with everything going on - yeah, it is a lot - a personal milestone has been reached. Kind of minor but not insignificant. Most of you who actually know me probably consumed a bazillion beers with me along this path of life - it was a defining factor of me. Like Jerry would say - you never knew how many beers I had until i was sick. 2-30 was no difference. And then '13/14 happened and the occasional AFD (alcohol free day) got fewer and farther between...  Until '18. Spring break I decided to stop. It was actually a long range plan that I had started in December. Knowing i needed to do something. That month off in may riding all those miles didn't do anything much except burn me out on the bike by the end of the year. But hey I joined the NECX HOTM club. Christmas '17 I had my last beer, switched to vodka and soda. or just vodka, or vodka and coffee, or whatever was around. March rolled around and I was drinking a fair bit, life was planned around stopping at the package store, making sure I had enough cash, it was kind of obsessive. Maybe you picked up on that part of me.

And I stopped. And it was a rough week but it was good. And then May happened, out of control, shit was a disaster and I went right back to where I was in March. almost 8 weeks off and right back to the same spot. Made it through massive events, major stuff, lots of drama, and then woke up hung over eyes all fucked up and saw that Anthony Bourdain had taken his own life. Another troubled passionate empathetic alchoholic. I had finished the bottle of vodka I had that night before. 

I was finished - it was it. Made the self commitment that I needed to make that change or very likely I'd be just like that before too long.

Being sober really didn't change much, hell no one noticed for a long time in the house. No one really seemed to notice at all. But the change was huge. And no - i didn't lose any weight. Still haven't.

Most tangible change was the attenuation of the highs along with the lows. I think it must have been how my dad was describing the depression meds he was on. Very little euphoria, but the darkness wasn't overwhelming and as terrifying and bleak. 

The other thing, I did it myself. for once in my life I found intrinsic motivation.  Fucking weird that. 

I had incredible role models, and the support from other sober friends was critical. Yes I did it alone but hearing their voices and getting their affirmation kept my resolve from cracking even the slightest bit. Social stuff was weird - and the most difficult. Already my new people fear, my inability to just start talking with people, or the shyness. Yeah yeah - i have two modes - shy and silent and internally terrified or overwhelmingly talkative. I am working on all that. The alcohol helped a little with that first shy part - didn't make it go away but let me be a bit more comfortable and all that. 

Re-learn.

That trauma lingers. It will never go away i think. It was a pain and a break that is so deep as never to heal completely. But such is life. The management has been easier since and i've been better at dealing with it as life goes on. 

Culturally the lets grab a coffee is very different than lets grab a beer. And theres been a good number of times when people just wont grab a beer with me because they don't want to drink a beer while I drink a club soda. But I've mentioned that. But I've also been around a few folks that are cool with it. Make it acceptable to be sober. Some of us kind of don't have a choice. But yes, every day we do have a choice. There's beer in the fridge, but i have no desire to drink it. None. Not even a craving. Cold bubbly water is good enough for me. Or just a big glass of flat water. 

I am reluctant to talk about the new wheels on the mountain bike, they are cool and I'm happy I could afford to get them but also don't want to talk about it right now, seems wrong. 

Being sober for two years seems good though. I try not to evangelize about sobriety, you do you, if you need someone to talk to about it, how to do it, I am happy to share the specifics in how, moving to vodka was very calculated btw, part of the plan. But I'm not pushing it on people. You have to come to terms with it yourself. Or I guess you can be like my brother or my Dad and have it forced on you. My dad lost his family, my brother didn't, both had a turning point set down by someone else. 

Then again I'm on the spectrum enough that no one really knows me or whats in my head. 

KF sent me a bronze token last year. It sits on my desk at work, I carried it around in my pocket for months but having the visual, picking it up. looking at it, it is a good reminder, first that i'm not alone and people get it, and even my friends who've been sober 30 years, or my friends who've been sober their whole life, the get it, it is a good group to be a part of. Nothing but love. Sounds strange but to be honest, feels right. 

The token says Amor Fati

and yeah, Amor Fati Motherfuckers now more than fucking ever.

seriously

do what needs to be done, act as you can with the sphere of influence you can sustain

heddwch

G

well

This song has been a bit too on point, even more so now:

where do we go from here

there's some serious dystopian shit going on.

There's TONS of counter information, lots of hey do this - don't do that.

Showing solidarity is important but it is important to do more than just that.

But also you should know your people well enough to know who is doing it just to do it, who is doing it because they believe if and who is so deep in the midst of waging the war that they aren't posting because they are in it.

It is curious all this effort and work and everything. 

They hypocrisy is visible to all, except those instituting it and those who can't see it because it has become an infallible religious belief. Y'all know what it is like arguing with a religious kook. You can't. that's what these folks are. 

there's been good info on explaining what's going on, how we got here...  and honestly most people are pretty fucking stumped on how to move past it. how to recover control...

No one knows. Action. Gonna take a shit ton of action.

Voting? yeah that too but people have to turn out in numbers, like every fucking person. Wait in lines - vote like your life depends on it. Will people remember that in November? 

Will we even have an election in November. At this rate? I just don't fucking know. 

We stick with bikes - we have to keep working, we need to support those who are doing the really hard work, and somehow we all have to figure out where to go from here. 

angry? yes...  furious...

you should be too

go out and do something

seriously time to

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch

G

If I didn't

worry so much in advance i'd be dealing with much bigger issues.

A personal reminder that sweating the details before hand and internalizing and agonizing over it all kind of sucks, but most of the time just means things will go more smoothly or you'll be more prepared to improvise.

Rehearsal eh? 

Tough in the moment to let your brain do the ground work and logistics w/o it triggering that worry and anxiety and negative feedback. 

Is it all going to work out? I don't know but it also feels good to make a hand-off to Pros cleanly. Let them do their job but provide information and options and let them choose the best path.

I did a quick open tabs since I'm here and the pro's are working both at home and on my microscope, and there was only Seth's stuff with new content since I last checked.

So instead of reading I'm writing. Sorry about that, and my stumbling fingers. Sure my spelling is terrible but half the time is it just fingers trying to keep up with the brain.

I pulled out the eBike - the crossrip plus - yeah the cranks are too short - but man it was nice. Headwind and still able to recover and get here in just over 25 minutes. In street clothes, w/o breaking a sweat, wearing boots. I even remembered to plug it in, instead of realizing it doesn't have enough charge to get home as I'm leaving. Yeah I run it on Turbo all the time, into the wind that sucks down a big pile of the electrons, more than with the tailwind and a lower assist mode. 

Slept terribly again last night - kept waking up, alarm set for 6am. Wide away at 5:20, light out. Got up anyway. 

If the 24 hour thing actually happens I'm going to have to get on top of the sleep/coffee issue. 

But if the 24 hr thing does happen, I feel pretty good about riding the singlespeed MTB for that whole time.

Not good about doing anything more than just finishing. I'm not in it to try and win, unless they maybe have a clydesdale singlespeed mid-fat tire category and I'm the only one in it. Then I'll go for the win, by doing the same thing I would.

Let your natural tendancies become strengths. It isn't easy, but leveraging innate predispositions is ultimately going to be better than trying to turn water into wine. Watering the grape vines will do that but it takes much longer, better to take what you have and figure out the best way to use it. 

Okay well - the deliveries are here - time to work through the checklist.

But first, [more] coffee.

heddwch

G

life keeps moving

And everything seems to happen at once. 

Critical update service visit at work starting at 10, and I have a dozen or so accounts to back up before that, and fence people show up tomorrow, totally perfect. Take time off to be here? Nope. But hey they are pro's I don't need to be here the whole time. Just move the cars out from the front of the house - set them loose. I hope.

Was already planning on taking the ebike tomorrow - double reason to, faster, don't have to change shoes. Saves time. And lets my legs recover after today.

Second Singlespeed MTB ride. 50.8 or 51.8 gear inches for those of you that it means something to. There were a few places it was just too steep and I had to get off and run uphill. 18 miles of chasing the XC guys and their super light fancy bikes. I did set 8 new PRs and a pile of 2nd and 3rd place times on all the segments. It felt good to be in the woods, if felt good to just float and fly and dodge and work hard and suffer mightily on the hills. 

There was less surfing than Arcadia last week, more grinding, more technical stuff. But the stuff that wasn't extensively steep uphill wasn't a problem. And maybe it is drying out enough to run the light tires, thinking about maybe putting those on the light wheels, although I do REALLY like the knob profile and the grip of the XR4s. Trade off eh? Grip vs Weight. At least in this monster size tire.

I slept really poorly last night - good combo of things, I'm sure I'm not the only one... I hope things sort out, and yes, focus locally, make an impact on your direct sphere of influence. 

Tomorrow will be what it is, Things will sort out and I can only control what my reaction is. It is okay for plans to change, and it will work out. 

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

words seem like a failure

The day's colors vibrant
No filter needed
Darkness all around
Hearts heavy with empathy
Minds overwhelmed with it all

Keep doing the little things.
Together we can ... pic.twitter.com/luWh1SRTUh

— GeWilli (@Ge_Willi) May 30, 2020

Wrote those words earlier - both in the IG and above SMs.  

I'm at a loss, and I can't even begin to understand, but the bit that I can, hurts, deeply. It isn't a depression it is a painful sadness, visceral. It hurts. Physically. I'm not equipped with the emotional tools to deal with this. I am grateful there are people who are. I'm sad that there are people so violently cruel, that wear a badge. 

I want to fix it all, I want to make it all better. 

I get a hold of myself, pull myself together and then like a fucking moron go back over to twitter and fuck...  start back at the beginning.

It was a slow start to the day, couldn't get out of my own way. 

Eventually made it to the shop, built the last non-drop bar, non-ebike bikes in boxes, put some cool drop bar bikes on the floor too. The process was helpful. I started slowly. Pausing to drink or eat, or listen, or just sit. Methodically though - brake, hub, limit screws, cable tension, headset, brake, hub, pedals, each task the same. But each time I started with something in a box and wound up with something someone could ride home. Specific, simple, productive. A task. I felt much better by the end of the day when I went home. 

But then not so much. 

Going to head out and go out for a MTB ride tomorrow...  find some strength riding the bike with one gear...

backspacing,

typing,

backspacing,

words can't capture everything i'm trying to say

not sure what can,

more than ever Amor Fati Motherfuckers

coming up on two years sober - the new normal - grateful that I am - can't imagine the cascade if I hadn't made the change when I did... the highs are still not there - the lows aren't as low though, and that is a blessing, esp right now. 

heddwch

G

new layout time

This new layout is not the change i was looking for. 

Seems odd. But I've had enough UI changes to know what to reference and connect the lines to what i used to use and all that.

I should write a lot more than i have been. But I've been a LOT busier than I have been.

Haven't found the time to sit down and write.

And right now I'm just typing in a way to wait for something that is taking way longer than it should but I can't do anything else until it is done. Or wait. Back up. I don't want to start something else or get back into the middle of a different think and then be even further behind and not really ahead because I missed getting this next piece started as soon as possible.

I haven't shifted gears sine Friday and I've ridden a bike every day except monday. Monday I spent the whole fucking day doing yard work and you can't tell. Well you can, there are three barrels full of stuff, a pile that needs to get put into barrels and the wood is split and stacked and there's a new corral for it. 

Things in my head to write: 
Single Speed Mt Biking is fucking AWESOME!

Legit - so much fun. I guess MTB is just fun, but SSMTB just feels right to me. Yeah there's some steep punchy shit that isn't rideable and that is when i wish the bike was 10 pounds lighter (carrying it). But honestly half the time on those steep things I can't ride it even with gears. 

new gravel tires are AWESOME! Got a set of Hutchinson Toureg tires. the 45s fit on the crockett. it is so cool - and they roll so well and the bike is like feeling so perfect riding around. geared just ride. honestly thinking about a greasey joes gravel century. Ride to the start of the GPS track and then ride home.

100 miles of unsupported gravel. I might need to figure out how to add one more bottle, or a frame bag... or not.

Fence might happen Friday - but probably not till next week when i have to be in two places at once. Of course.

There was something else too - maybe i'll remember when come back to this.

that other stuff is done - my five minutes of draining the brain swamp tank is over - barely made a dent.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch

G

so you like to read?

Read stuff that is well written, argued and cited?

Well you obviously didn't come here for that.

But you can go over and read Cosmo's essay about the Strava situation.

I don't really have much else to say. Added another cool image to the pile yesterday (nanoscape on IG or twitter or where-ever).

Today was odd. Still feeling odd, trying to identify the source just if for nothing else, to identify it and move on. If it isn't anything that can be done then it is much easier to move on. Doing quite a bit less second guessing myself lately.

That's been good. That leads to less brooding and darkness.

Add to that a big more disconnected feeling everywhere. I guess my lag time is really high. But could be bad if I don't fix it or reconcile it. I did look at the calendar, fucking memorial day weekend is THIS WEEKEND? WHAT? IT IS STILL MARCH!

Making dinner that isn't what everyone wants is common, making a dinner that some decline always kind of hurts a bit. Feels like failure although 75% is still a high success rate I suppose.

Gonna eat something, kind of wish one of the books on hold would come in, can't find anything else in the library I want to read.

Best eat, maybe just pick some random popular book and dive in. or something else.

Not much to say from out here in little Rhody. Might break out the Paramount in TT mode tomorrow or Friday. Gonna have to shave the fuzzy legs before that. They haven't been this hairy in over a decade - maybe longer.

Y'all be good.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

Heddwch
G

40 years ago

That little perfect mountain just south of Rainier blew up.

My memory is walking up the hill on the road and hearing and feeling something, an odd boom.

I can actually picture the moment, but also, who knows what tricks my memory is playing with me.

It makes sense though. We were pretty unsupervised growing up, house at the end of a quiet dead end road 20 mins from anywhere and an hour from everything else.

The odd bit was the kid walking out of the room they are cleaning and organizing and purging of stuff that isn't theirs. A long cigar shaped glass tube with a cork cap, full of grey ash. And a label... 

I kind of think maybe it was hiding up on the ledge/shelf thing, forgotten, left, not seen by the previous owners, only now discovered. Or it came from my dad's house in MD and in my drunken haze it is something i completely overlooked. But i can pretty clearly recall that whole trip and the stuff I brought back (it wasn't much).

But discovered a day before the 40th anniversary of it going boom.

And today I was bringing a few scopes back online. Lets see how it looks on the SEM and the LM. Posted over on the socials: https://www.instagram.com/nanoscape_/ and the twitter account: https://twitter.com/nanoscape it isn't ground breaking but i'm excited about it. And it is kind of falling flat, but I guess it isn't orange juice or waffles or whatever people find to respond to.

Posted the last couple of cool ones up to the IG.

Makes me kind of feel bummed out a bit by the lack of feedback but there's some, and that really is enough, right?

I guess something's missing. Dunno what. Oh well, hasn't stopped me before. Fuck it.

Rewind a bit - Saturday. Rode the big wheel MTB to the shop. Took a long time, but I hit the little short bit of single track on the way in. Fucked up the tricky up hill turn. But the crank had loosened up a bit fixed that, rear brake pads were basically as worn as could be w/o hitting the backing. Put new ones in. Cleaned it all the fuck up. Shiny, well as shiny as Matte Cobra Blood can get.

Rolled home, wearing shorts because it was warm out, flying through the single track, up over two technical piles of roots and heading down towards parking lot by Squantum Club and splash, "Huh I don't remember seeing any mud" then the smell hit me.
Shit

like human fecal matter in a sloppy greenish (no not animal - animal stuff smells very different and isn't in this large of a quantity). like some runner couldn't and went into the parking lot and then up this path a bit - squatted and left it. Or someone else did. I hope they wiped their ass with some of the emerging poison ivy.

So yeah it was now on my legs, my arm, and all over the bike and in the tires. Grabbed some non-poison Ivy grass and wiped it off my skin, further tried to wipe it off over by the puddle in the parking lot with the leafy weeds.

But hey at least the bike was clean and I could see exactly where it was, all over the place.

I HAD JUST CLEANED IT ALL. But since I had just cleaned it I could see it. SO I COULD CLEAN IT ALL OVER AGAIN. Got home, washed my hands and arms first, found that some had splattered on my shorts (of course). Stripped it all off and scrubbed my legs and arms again in the shower. By the time I was back out there to clean the bike it had hardened on the bike. Like fucking cement. It wasn't just washing off with a hose. FUUUUUCK - oh and it smelled BAD.

Got it all cleaned off, wiped it all down with a clorox wipe or three, scrubbed the tires, then made dinner.

Ate a bowl of muesli before bed because we were going to ride Hell's 1/2 Acre. the 33 mile loop. And we got it mostly right this time. And the Garmin totally fucked it all up again with the total. And the slow refresh but the GPS that Burke helped with actually worked better this time and the garmin made it possible to navigate it all. I think maybe I should just try the wahoo element roam...  Hey it is just money right? The garmin doesn't talk with the new devices either. Something's funky. The dropping mileage isn't really a big deal. I did the ride. Doesn't matter.

But man what a ride. It was good. The hills def wrecked me a bit - i was pretty slow on them, but the rippers and flowy and fast and down stuff? FUCKING FUN! HOLY SHIT! LOVE IT. Like I had so much fun in the woods. It was long, I didn't ride I see dead people as well as I should have, def didn't clear it like I did last time we rode it. Neither did anyone else. Clean it that is. Had a realization that pissed me off, should have tried to negotiate a signing bonus, or compensation. Oh well. Stache C frame would have been cool, or some line pro 40s. Gotta get those wheels sooner than later - will make a huge difference. Me chasing a Santa Cruz Blurr (25# with full water bottle) and a Trek Top Fuel 9.9 XTR (about the same). But it felt good. I had a fuckton of fun. I worked, I rode pretty hard, and had a really good day.

Def talking about the North South trail ride still. Maybe do this once more to see if we can keep from fucking it up again, even fewer backtracks maybe.

Tomorrow is complicated. Difficult juggling act with everything, but it'll all seem smooth to those on the outside. Like a duck.

Tired. Haven't been sleeping well. Have actually cut back on coffee, making progress in that area. Pretty happy about that.

Little things right?

Def digging the mountain biking. Got thinking, and remembering when that Stache was first introduced, the rigid, weird Plus tires, we sold one to a guy a little taller than I am, he raved about it, loved it. I really thought about getting one, but it was also at a point where I couldn't afford to do that, couldn't really even think about it. But Freddie kept bugging me about getting a MTB. A modern one. We didn't know each other when I made a good couple-four year attempt to ride the Klein in the woods around here, never really had fun on it like I am having fun on this. I guess a lot would have changed if I did that. Probably wouldn't have been on any smackdowns, would have been in the woods.

Maybe I should have bought that bike back then.

Okay I just fact checked myself out of that preposterous notion - the Stache in this iteration really didn't show up until 2016 - the Stache 5 was the bike I had my eye on. So yeah. Well at least I can stop thinking about that.

One day maybe I'll get one of those super light things, but for now, I'll keep being one of the only guys on a hardtail.

Fuck my brain is just starting to unfold like the proton in the 3 body problem. Expanding and the thoughts are trying to organize a bit - but this is a failure of delivery. Like the rest of today. I'm going to leave the rest of the thoughts trapped in here a bit longer. Maybe they'll go away, or make more sense later.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

got a pile of

shit to unload in my brain - gotta double check and rewind but there was a crazy weekend

Saturday - oof that was shitty (if you follow me on the soon to be stripped bare strava - no i'm not going to premium on it - you'll get that reference)

Sunday spent it in hells 1/2 acre

found something really timely and cool (twitter) yesterday

took and posted one photo (so far) today on the Nanoscape (all the medias)

spend a whole day at work - actually doing work (while microscope was running mostly by itself)

Found this sound:

Hold On...

it is good...

was also thinking maybe I should get some
Amor Fati Motherfucker
stickers printed up...  seems appropriate no?

maybe not

keep on keeping on my friends, maybe I'll have time to fill in the blanks in long form tonight
heddwch
G

the length of time

takes a while to watch this...

just finished it...

really enjoyed it...

loved the black and white...

thought about riding bikes, thought about 35mm film, darkrooms, food, riding, just riding, hoping to see Canero pass, wishing i'd had a bike and a week or two to stay with my Dad when he was still there.

Wishing i'd found mountain biking again while he was still there.

Wishing he was still there, and not dealing with the atypical parkinsons.

thinking and wishing - there's some saying that goes along with that futility

but in the end,

that was time well spent.

maybe you'll enjoy it too.

heddwch
G

the darkroom

no not a dark room or a metaphor for something...

actual darkroom, the place where you processed film, printed and enlarged it...

I watched this waiting for a call back and some support things to sort out

And had a DM convo with JM about IR and that stuff, lead to looking again at conversions to monochrome...  i mean if i had $9k for the M10 "mono" and another $13k for the new Noctiulx lens fuck it - i'd have one already. Well as soon as the body is off backorder.

First thing about the interview is just the absolute privilege, but the message is really good, about the photography stuff. The seeing, the difference between color and black and white.

Really good stuff. Some of which I actually had already incorporated into the class. That said I think most of the generation of phone photographers is using portrait mode as default, they struggle to use landscape...

and that struggle is where we learn.

Ralph mentions about how the darkroom teaches you more because it reveals your mistakes, but only if you go out to try and correct them and practice do you learn.

I would dearly love to have a monochrome camera - a 50-75 maybe 85mm lens, nice 1.4 at least aperture.

It has me wondering - do all my photos look like everyone elses? or am i using the phone in a unique way that still presents the images as mine?

I think about photography endlessly. Partly it is very much wrapped up in my professional career, the other part is that along with bikes, black and white photography and taking photos is something I've been doing for forever.

Gotta get my basement darkroom set up I think. I can shoot rolls and rolls of film for not much money compared to the monochrome cameras. But I think, knowing what i know about scientific CMOS and how the sensors work and all that, that I get it when Ralph says he hasn't loaded a single roll of film since 2012 when he got his first Mono.

Rich old privileged white men do have the market cornered on the leica cameras. I'm tempted to share this one with my class but first feel a strong desire to find a POV from anyone else from the under-represented, a woman, a person of color, where are their videos and interviews and inspirational talks about photography? Perhaps this one works for that. Guess I should do some "research" or maybe there's some interviews with some of these 12

Time to pack up the place for the day.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G