FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

 CK

Seriously....  sitting here crushed, unexpectedly impacted more than I'd have guessed.

If you were to ask me, you can see one live show what would it be:

there's a draft waiting

 I'll poke back at it later - i think it was from Friday night.

it is Monday...no, Tuesday that feels like a Monday after a Monday that felt like a Sunday.

Watched this over lunch before heading to a meeting with the Printer to get the gallery stuff in process, looks like maybe we'll be a Month out from the opening, so soon, maybe Omicron will have died down and it will be enough time before Pi comes and hands everyone their lunch but we'll see, maybe it is a mask only 

shit masqureade opening....  ooof brain esplosion with that idea - could be cool...

anyway it'll be good but back to before lunch, the soundtrack is fabulous btw:

and my french is terrible, but not as bad as I feared, I can still almost understand what's being said some of the time. 

Songs like this: https://youtu.be/cgwDR95QPVM

or: https://youtu.be/s4Afw3_jc_k

or: https://youtu.be/tYUDXnJf3IY

some new tunes I hadn't heard yet... paired well with the action

the meeting has me flat out exhausted tho

should be good

oh and if you missed it (IE don't follow Thom on IG or didn't get the link sent to you by me):

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Thom P. (@thomparsons)

Heddwch
G

why do we do it?

 Between Friday and Today, well... if you add up the people who rode their bike outside in RI 

There's going to be me and...  probably no one else.

Got in fine today, it was fucking cold tho.

really cold.

Not quite single digits F but close enough and the wind was brutal from the north.

aka a headwind.

really liked having the lighter gear on the singlespeed

Not sure you can call Stevil's thing a blog, it is more a weekly post to drive sales and shit so he can eat food and keep the lights on and buy beers and whatnot. So yeah that's still all good reasons and that he posts good shit and writes well.

I'm not sure i ever do either, maybe borderline post good shit, mostly just shit he or someone else posts that I see and i aggregate here because well whatever for some reason.

Damn I'm down. Whatever, it'll pass. Life moves on. And here I was going to leave and ride home in the ridiculous cold. Yet here I am. Still at work. 

Party is I checked Stevil's post and then clicked over and watched this.

Brown sugar snow is the worst. A mix of dirt and salt and snow and cold so cold it won't melt but all that extra shit in there keeps it from solidifying and then the cars pack it down and it is tough to ride on. 

There's so much to read at Stevils that I have to come back, my brain is glossing over and my attention is drifting and i can't focus. Maybe tomorrow, but maybe you want to go read it now. Or not.

Awe fuck...  temps have dropped, now a nice warm 13°F oh well it isn't that cold only what -10 or -11°C, not like it is -40° (F or C the same). But yeah, even ridden in that too. 

Time to bundle up, needs more than just jeans and a thin jacket for this shit.

I miss my fucking mittens tho, esp on days like today.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

Heddwch
G

even avoiding it...

 it is a lot. 

What happened last year on this day.

comings and goings

 The blogsphere is dead.

dried up mouse in the crawlspace for 20 years dead

piles of pill bugs dead

twenty twenty [part] two

 

 

Yeah motherfuckers WELCOME BACK

I mean we haven't really gone anywhere. 

Sort of mostly true.

But now we're back.

And there's a whole new wrinkle of crazy added to the mix.

A wrinkle that might make it easier and less stressful.

Eventually.

Recap:

brought the Stache to VA (3 days there and rode trails on two of those days, the other day was christmas) 

Tried to ride everyday the week after, didn't make it, weather or other stuff got in the way, but I did ride the Stache once after putting the 170mm seatpost back on (full of squeak killing teflon pipe dope grease this time). Then the next day rode the Top Fuel with the new 9point8 offset seatpost. Then the 31st went up to ride Borderlands with Mike and his crew. And the rear der did the same thing it did in May on the ride with Syl. Rear der went boom. And instead of being able to put it back together the bolt was not to be found. Scootered back the three miles to the car. That was a bummer, bike was feeling awesome, dropper working really well.

Went back out on the 2nd it was wet in Big River, it is never wet in there. But it was a good ride.

Got stuff printed yesterday for a show here, and talked about the bigger gallery show.

And here I am.

Just as fucking exhaust as I was before.

Oops and things got accelerated today. 

Time to eat a really quick lunch.

maybe more later

AMOR FATI MOTHERFUCKERS

G

counting down

 variables keep shifting, plans evolve, options open...

life is one hell of a ride, watching a series with E last night some show was calling someone in their early 40s old, and they were waxing poetic about never being too old to start over even when you're old..

and yeah... i'm old, we're old, but here we are, sure as hell beats the alternative.

on the old side I watched episode 3 of Old Enough to Know Better... because I really needed to hear a dude who is 36 complaining about being too old. or old enough to know better. I sure as FUCK thought I knew everything at that age, and oh wow was I fucking wrong as fuck about so much, but I did get lots right and the opinions that were not right were still coming from a place trying to help, so while maybe a bit off, still intentions haven't waivered. 

Still trying to help... but then I guess no good deed goes unpunished. The bigger the gift of self the longer you have to suffer in torment maybe?

Not sure what brought that line on.

This one got to me today https://gravelbikearchive.wordpress.com/2013/06/16/remembering-dad/ 

It has been one hell of a couple years.. so much loss.. 

So far I've done a good job at making sure I have more work to do next year. But then I can only get to what I can get to and if i take an extra break to drink a cup of coffee in my office and get some thoughts out of my head after watching a video, well... that works for me.

Maybe Omicron will peak in 2 weeks and everything will be 'normal' by mid-january. 

Except, we all know nothing is ever going to be normal again.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers
G

Also I like the idea of moving to Greenland with a bunch of Mountain bikes (dirt jumpers, DH, Enduro, XC, HT...) and a skid steer with both a bucket and a backhoe and just ride and build trails. There's gotta be some snow free space, and more and more soon, right? Also no people. Just bikes and riding bikes and making trails and oh, right, i'm old... fine I'll just make lots of easy trails but all different and just ride. 

One can dream eh? no?

One of these days

 I'll get back on my bike. 

I'm looking at my strava year in review and looking at the mileage... so close to 5,000 miles...  but while I was riding in I don't think I can close the gap and make that mark.

Hours are a bit down from last year. But then again I kind of had to do nothing for 3 weeks...But the Reddiyo program got me up pushing the time and effort lately. So there's some good stuff. And a big elevation peak at the beginning of August.

It has been an overwhelming week (last 7 days). But unknowns are falling into place and we'll all get through this... Everyone's boosted so we should be okay but it's gonna be tough with some mandatory travel. Maybe just stress but hey, the baseline is so high right now that every little bit matters.

Cold enough this morning that I wore the Wolfhammers. JF4-JF5 (Jens Factor, y'all remember the chart right?) Heavy as hell but warm as a ...  um winter boot should be.

The intro here - inspirational and all and yeah...  a reminder... Hopefully I can summon that level energy at the end of this week.

When you have an hour to sit and watch a music documentary check this out. One of these days I'll get to sit down and watch it start to finish instead of in bits and pieces.

I'm gonna work on harnessing that energy for the rest of the day and try and fit a week's work into two days.

Heddwch
G

Love the flow here

 

so smooth

How have I missed this

Of course, listening to this song, gets me thinking about my dad...

still haven't listened to all the saved voicemails he left...

Its been a hell of a day and a long week...

But I'm enjoying listening to this on repeat:

heddwch
G

make ya smile maybe

 it did me

in the midst of a shit day

or just a day with random shovels of poop flung in my direction that I can't dodge but at least can dance enough not to have to deal with it immediately, but no escaping needing to deal with it

I and M

 Inspiration and Motivation

Jake Wells brought that up way back in some video or another, at least that's how I remember it.

I keep coming back to it.

What does sponsorship mean regarding that.

Some of the best pro's don't win but you know them well. 

How many races has Lachlan won? A lot for sure, but why are we drawn to that character of his? The winning side or the joy and engagement and for the inspiration and motivation he gives everyone?

In one Tweet Jake said "My hope is to inspire and motivate" 

In this film lach has a few passages that stuck, first:

It's always measures of success, right?

Your own measures of success, other people's measures of success, your sponsors. I'm always like evaluating what that means.

As hard as it was to give up personal ambitions for the race, that ultimately led to a much more successful week.

If we'd stayed focused on chasing results, we would have missed the point totally. 

How many miss the point totally?

And then this one, kind of unrelated but good and humble and words to guide one's life by:

You never think of yourself as an experienced rider because the years pass really quickly and youre like, oh wait i've been professional for like nearly 10 years.

I was always wary of people who would be always trying to give you advice because they are generally like people who are just trying to insert themself and make themself important.

SO I just try to lead by example, i guess.

And let me say this - when i've offered advice, my motivations are to help, not insert myself or for any self gain. I want to give you this to help you, unfortunately it is so rare, and for so long I was so bad at communicating this, and given it isn't normal, it is rarely well received. Hard to offer help.

So lately, a lot, i've held back. 

not easy for me, and people struggle, but the reality is lots of people really just don't want to listen or learn, there's youtube videos on how to everything now, surely that's enough to get help from a stranger in your phone. 

DAMNIT - i was all super inspired and positive until I hit that last bit... fucking hell...

Ah well. 

planning on trying to watch this soon might be too mt bikey for most but i'm looking forward to it

anyway

heddwch
G

addiction

Suddenly coffee seems pretty fucking lame.

when bailing on a great idea

 is the right idea but doesn't feel like it...

slept pretty well last night. Went to bed well before 10pm, thought I was awake the whole time till i had to get rid of the water I'd consumed but it was midnight. Slept right up until the dog started barking at 7am.

I don't think I moved. Hard to tell if the lingering headache is just left over from not getting enough coffee or if it is something more dangerous. Aka covid. Am I tired from an emotionally and physically draining week? Or sick? When I felt okay this week, was I just at Peak Coffee? 

maybe i was actually tired

 Realized that I have been kind of slowly incrimentally upping the coffee consumption... probably masking the fatigue and then this morning waking up at 6 but then going back to sleep for a bit made me realize, yeah, maybe there's a bucket of fatigue hiding in there. certainly lots going on.

of course it could also be the omicron variant, who knows, currently deciding to lay low today, like last sunday. Need to finish the book, listening to the book. Kid already finished it, i'm only 1/3 of the way through Leviathan Falls. 

It has been a rough week, maybe a good quarrantine will be what I need... 

Since i need it i'm probably just tired not actually sick.

First cup of coffee is actually working wonders. 

chemicals are amazing eh?

addictions are fabulously controlling

I know i sound a bit dark lately - i am but i'm okay, nothing to do really - work through it, nothing to change... 

i was thinking maybe it would be a good day to head to the shop, but this enegry level and mental fatigue is a bit too much... i know i need some good mechanical therapy but maybe i can channel that by working on my bikes. The surly drive train is fucking abysmally trashed. Got it to skip once on Wednesday night. The chainring is def getting shark toothed and I think the freewheel is actually wearing a bit. The chain might be stretched a mile long. But if I'm taking all that out I should really do the bearings on the rear hub too, there is some play in there and I don't think an adjustement will fix it. But maybe. 

But it is raining and the bike room has too many bikes in it to work in there so if anything I'll just gather freewheel and parts for the drivetrain. I have a big fat high tooth cog for the Surly, maybe it is time to stop riding to work at 50 rpm cadence when i'm taking it easy and if i need to go more than 15mph maybe i just need to spin like a crazy person.

there's also a big 4 hr ride tomorrow that i want to go do, a really bad idea but a great idea and a much needed something...

Refilled coffee, all set for a few more minutes. 

Knee has been doing great though. occasionally if in the wrong angle for too long it gets achy but no longer functionally limiting, that's nice. Not fully back but best it has been since June.

And the new offset dropper post will be showing up next week. Exciting.

I'm not liking the fat face guy in the Dirtwire video, two options figure out how to drop the weight (been rock solid steady at 225 for a long time) or grow the beard back, white hairs and all. or both until i can get rid of the extra 20. It is only 10%, not a huge amount, you'd think i'd have it dialed and figured out by now, but yeah, no. But also maybe, could do both with the goal of shaving those white whiskers back off once i hit the mark. 

Embrace being hungry again eh? Mostly just need to up the protein levels a little and cut back on calories. Extended fasts are great for somethings, not so much for me and weight lost. my body has gotten too good at slowing down.

I've been on a Leica Q2M binge reading reviews lately... not sure why, they all say the same thing, it is amazing, it is transformative and so sensitive and so sharp and so so different than shooting in color and making it black and white. Um yeah, i FUCKING KNOW... yet i still read what others say. 

Scientific imaging, sensor size, speed, going from CCD to CMOS all the different ways to do it... the massive photon loss when using a bayer mask, someday maybe. Should have bout the camera instead of this shifty squishy bike. Of course I'm also thinking maybe I should have just gone for the Firefly Hardtail MTB as my 50th present to myself...  others have done that... Can't think of any custom bike i'd like to have more than that at this moment. Build it up with a Fox 36 with 130-140mm, some of those Hayes Dominion T2s, White Industry cranks, wheels? that would be the question...  150-170mm dropper

shit i think i just caught myself dreaming... 

of course it is about bikes... just like me dreaming about a Klein back in 1990-91...

i'd like to go off on CX Nats and how bad all that shit is that's going on there but, hey i'm not there and I'm sure they are trying as hard as they can but man, same problems as always, really good hard course for the pro's is not compatible with the AG races, and then packing too many races into the schedule, plus weather making it slower, all in all a totally predictable disaster.

How to fix it? Dunno. But if we're sticking with December maybe some of the racing needs to be at night, under the lights. I mean we all love racing CX at night, seriously, it is fucking fun as hell, if you haven't you should. Big time party booster too.

I'm sure someone will have a counter argument to that, even if the counter argument is "That's dumb" likley "too expensive"

Whatever.

Now i'm rambling and not getting the book listened too. 

better close up - anyway - if you haven't seen it go watch

its fun and you can see my fat face there

heddwch
G

picking up where we left off

 And that's in fucking purgatory

productive and shit but still, just plugging along

I think maybe i'm at the point where i'm not really all that tired, getting sleep and shit... nice change, still need to cut back on the coffee... but fuck it... whatever, it is all I got left

DKM dropped a new video today

Good as Gold

that's all i got
been in my own head about my dad... it isn't helping much

83...

 My Dad would have been 83 today.

I spend some time looking through old digital photos...  hoping maybe to find some from 24HOGG in 2008...

Didn't find any (yet)

Battery low

happy levels at zero...

Instead of letting all the bad news and dire predictions and desperate conditions and potential for really shitty stuff to come, oh and climate change, sort of roll off, or at least not sink in, be a dark fog but not really coalesce...  

That shit is all additive right now, at least not exponentially. 

I know what to do to get through, just keep getting through, i have a list of shit to get done, meetings, tasks, you know, stuff...

have to get through it, hour by hour day by day, eventually something will make a spark of that fucking shit and will feel good and build back up.

but right now? 

it is less than good and I have to take a break from hanging out with internet friends, where they hang out, even if i feel like a fucking unwanted outsider most of the time there's enough history that it is familiar.

It was cold this morning on the ride in. Heart rate was below zone 1 (as defined by reddiyo) most of the whole ride.

I'm calm, not terribly tired, but sigh...  not feeling it...

Finally getting the post CX season depression? I dunno... 

Was awesome seeing that Gunnar S won, that guy is a fucking legend. 

on to the next thing

Amor Fati Motherfuckers
G

Emotional wringer

 So many, so tough, how to we move forward other than just moving forward. 

A memory of me and Shoogs at Ice Weasels at the Mental hospital venue in 2018 triggered a bunch of tears that morning. I went in and checked his last blog post, read it, and yeah both our dads were still around then. And I wound up sort of revisiting the differences, how one of the first things to go was his mobility, and his speech and communication side followed quickly. He was there inside, just too so much work to actually say anything.

And again I was reminded how fucking few photos there are of the two of us together. Most of them are me taking the photo, driving. Or something.

Yesterday I spent the morning at the Gallery space, really it is in memory of him, and I wish like hell he was still here to go through this show process with me, wish he was here to give me his thoughts and logic for collecting the samples, but that's lost. I just have his writing on the card I sent identifying each vial.

I'm excited about the show, it is bigger and more intense than any of the others. But it is the progression and I think everything i've learned doing the previous ones has helped. 

My Dad would have turned 83 tomorrow. 

Kid is working on trying to figure out her path. She's doing well, but you know she's my kid because her confidence and self doubt are pretty strong, it helps drive her but sometimes I think maybe it would be nice if she could see herself w/o seeing all her flaws. Granted I think you could probably say the same about me, then where would I be.

Not enough time to get on the scopes to redo some images, or tweak the settings on the new systems, but enough time to answer emails and watch this: https://www.redbull.com/int-en/films/progression and think about how we can make this place (planet) better for the young women in sport and in life. I mean it really is just this country's abject racism and sexism. You can be a nice person and still be both. I've seen far too many of those types of men. I'm working hard at not being that, it isn't easy, but I think it is possible for me and impossible for others. But then that is slipping down the slope of some bigger issues I really don't know how to solve. So I focus on those I can help, support, motivate... care for. And be an example...

of what? i dunno... Chatting with friends who's kids ride... it is honestly tough that neither of them have really pushed towards competitive bikes or just riding more than transport, but if it is just for transport, well... fuck it that's awesome.

Been thinking about what ifs lately too, yeah i know, bad idea... but what if I'd been able to quit drinking on the 2nd of January 2014? What then? Was as close to just closing my eyes forever at the start of that year, but somehow I didn't, but I don't think i had more than a few days sober between then and 2018... And here I am. Still. Trying. To. Figure. It. Out.

I've got lots of work to do. Everywhere, on everything. And I'm going to try not to finish lunch TOO early today. I'm out of emergency snacks.

Be good, be kind, do the right fucking thing,

heddwch
G

unpublished from this morning

 https://www.getrevue.co/profile/juliusgoat/issues/the-accommodation-is-the-supremacy-914584

That link, read it. 

and then there's this bit of WTF this morning

Using Becca's photo as the cover image for the woman's win who crashed her out and gave her a season ending TBI/concussion

They've since fixed it - but it was up for a while like this. 

--

and wrapping it all up turns out NECX and MIT and track super star Chris Birch is a NASA astronaut now. That is really cool.

kind of blew up twitter between everything going nuts today, got some images to edit...

dreams to dream

ah who'm I kidding I don't have dreams anymore

i mean i dream at night but, you know.

okay on to the edits