why do i

Let little things, stuff that doesn't really matter, get to me? Turning a tiny little f'n parts order (not tiny but for me a bit of cash not on hand) into a big f'n mole hill of stress.

Doesn't do me any good. That much I know. Sucks the freaking fun out of what should be wicked awesome and exciting. Seriously. Is there anything more exciting than building a new CX bike for the season?

No

there

is

NOT.

But somehow, leave it to f'n GeWilli to figure out how to make it as unfun and stressful for himself as possible. Yeah. Seriously. WHAT AN IDIOT.

Problem is I recognize the problem, know it is coming but somehow allow myself to be sucked in. One scape goat, no not G-ride. But I actually feel kind of bad sucking him down into this messed up vortex, not intentionally but this new team is his deal, and no new team, no new bike for me. So yeah. It is like totally his fault (no, it isn't, not even going to pretend to hope that comes off as it was intended). No, it isn't g-ride's damn fault.

First cross race of the season on Sunday and I'm in a g-damn funk. What do I have to complain about? Nothing. Seriously. What's my god damn problem. Not sure. Okay I know what it is. The unknown. The lack of control.

Everything was perfect two days ago. There was a sale of some fancy gear i'm never going to use that was going to happen today, the 177.5 cranks were still 180s, and I was counting on paying for the last bits of parts for the new bike from the sale today. Didn't happen. Sale that is. Cranks turned out to be 177.5s, bike I ordered was an XL but then found out after ordering that the catalog and web page were wrong, only comes in a Large. And that shit is minor. Overshawdowing some really cool shit going on at work and with my youngest (a newly minted soccer star) and to top it off weighing down and soiling the joy I have at this time of the year. Cross season is starting.

IT IS STARTING.

Cyclocross. The coolest shit on two wheels. And I've managed to find a pile of shit to jump in and torture myself. Yes. I'm actually hoping that being me and unloading my emo shit or what ever my sarcastic cynical douchebag friends want to call it will make me feel better, so I can move the fuck on and fucking enjoy the best damn sport on two wheels. I'm tired, run down, feeling on the edge of getting full blown sick (i'm fighting something and that's not helping much), got blown OUT at the smack down, but had decent success in the middle and pushed past limits in many spots to hang on, and tried to not talk about it. I haven't run since, fuck it all, I don't even remember - new school schedule and all that has messed the mornings up just enough coupled with being freaking exhausted but also dealing with mild insomnia. Shit is just adding up, piling up and I'm dealing with it all really poorly.

I don't know if I feel any better, maybe a little actually. Kind of like throwing up sort of makes you feel better.

I am signed up for Quad Cross. I have the Giant not quite ready to go but it has been put to the test on the sand and barriers and single track and grass. it is the same as it ever was. And so am i.

so

am

i

fwiw
ffs

heddwch
G