life goes on...
one must not focus on the details but more the big picture
but ignoring the details blurs the big picture, you lose perspective anomylies creap in, distortions occur..
impossible, nearly, to keep focus on big picture and the details...
few can
to see the details that need attention, and to see the big picture and know how to tweak is a big burden, esp when the tweak isn't possible, or if possible, at the cost of others. and what properly oriented human will think of themselves before others? They shouldn't right? At least not until stretched to the very end and at their breaking point. Unless they just are broken and evil and only thinking for themselves and exploiting every oppotunity to get ahead even if it means making their friends suffer. Besides hey. why not.
Head space is weirdly not good. Legs seem to be responding to deliberate plan and kind of making stuff move in the right direction.
Hinging on bikeworks timetrial or similar reproduction of such. Also hinging on maybe trying to get Dawn patrol fired up again. I know what the formula is.
I had extrinsic motivation at one point that made it all click into place. I have too many doubts about making it all happen without that motivation, but maybe I can figure it out.
Tonight was good. We weren't fast, but we all took long hard pulls, no one shirked their turn, everyone had a go at body blows.
Tonight was first time since the second smackdown of the year when I felt kind of not completely at the end of my rope clinging for dear life the whole time. I need a long ride, no doubt. More than just about anything other than one thing but I won't talk about that. Without long ride though, maybe I can keep pushing through.
Maybe.
But tonight, not the fastest ever but a stead progression based on a long strava segment that hasn't dissapeared like most of the others that I use as metrics.
I found some jump, I found some limits, I pushed early, I pushed often and I pushed until I was totally fried. But I recovered and our rag tag band of guys put in a decent time, and we had fun.
It was a good day on the bike. Off? maybe not so much. But well... I dunno. It could have been worse. Conflicted and troubled more lately than I feel I should be. Reading is helping, but kind of not really. Stuck in limbo of library holds. This past weekend I busted through the barricade and checked out a physical book, but then the library didn't have the next book in the series in paper, so still waiting for digital copy to be released from the hold.
The reading is making me thing. Think deeply. Good maybe? Maybe not. Making me recognize how differently my brain works, how differently I percieve things than most people and how I see stuff that surprises people that makes them think I didn't see it.
Then again I'm constantly reminded of all the obvious stuff others catch but I miss completely, until way too late because I was focused on other feelings and observations or second guessing myself into inaction.
Story of my life.
Pedaling. Riding bikes.
riding bikes... pedaling...
If cycling was a purely skill and internal drive/work discipline maybe it would be easier, for me, right now. but so much of success, so many limits are equipment... and sure plenty would be proud and happy to do what I do with the ancient heirloom shit I deal with, but i know there is a big losses i'm conceeding looking at equipment factors. I guess i can take some comfort in knowing that CX is one of the few cycling disciplines where that handicap is as mitigated as possible. I can't go Mt biking and have fun with anyone in New England except on maybe one or two trail systems. I just can't. But that's an easy pill to swallow because I don't have time to go mt biking no time at all. None. Can't afford to race road right now so hey, I can work on making things hopefully fall in place for the fall.
Unless they fall completely apart before then.
On the bike goodish... today, not great because I am still slow and everyone on the ride was complaining about how slow it was w/o the fastest people there. off the bike? plenty of words unspoken, and spoken to speak to that.
maybe i can find another book to read until I can't keep my eyes open anymore...
sleep is over rated... that's what coffee is for
heddwch
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