catalysts

that one thing you can look back on, a comment you made off hand, maybe 50 or a 100 times. In simpler words a lot.

below the fold lies a transition from darkness and frustration and sadness into acceptance and realization and happiness. The process of writing has left me in a much better place than when I started writing that first sentence above this. But I'm keeping it all, unedited, but adding this disclaimer... also: wax on, wax off



But then you make it and it hangs in the back of your mind, then someone else adds a bit of negativity about bitching about some how charging to put up a tent at the biggest amateur race in the nation is some how a self serving deliberate money grab aimed singularly at crushing the fun and spirit and then shit blowning up because the road's closed but just about to be opened and people standing around directing shit are being excessively obtuse and then going out of the way to make sure someone is taken care of but then you don't even get an acknowledgement or any appreciation to that effect and you do all this shit including warp speed shopping trip to get dog food and critical stuff to prep for tomorrow's big day for  one of them and to do that you had to race home nearly get run into headlong but a bike commuter with a front wheel motor in his aero bars passing a bike ninja in the dark on a curve, load dishwasher crush making dinner but then oh yeah. no time to eat... Till home after that evening adventure.

But of course the confrontation with the irrational idiots - hey maybe i was the irrational one to them, i just didn't want to drive way out of the way when a right turn or U turn would get me where i wanted to go. And then that comment I alluded to making earlier? Yeah that triggered some majorly negative shit, major. How to overcome it? Dunno. Shoes? Newest pair of shoes I have is almost 3 years old. And they aren't even cycling shoes. Sacrifices, the ones I make. All of them. Each one comes up, the rainman brain kicks in and starts spewing back every minor recorded bit of something. It all comes down to stuff and all that, stuff that really doesn't matter in the end, but that combined add up to being stupid and pointless to dwell on. But the triggers. Oh the triggers.

I've been way better lately at evading them, doing the whole Mr. Miyagi, or Kung Fu master style use that energy and redirect it in a direction beneficial for yourself if not offensively at least use that negative motion and energy in a positive direction.

Been good at that lately. Wax on wax off.

When I started that whole bullshit i was very much like Daniel, not seeing the point. Why do i have to wax all these fucking cars? But something inside kind of figured well maybe there's a point and I stuck with it. I didn't have a Mr Miyagi to help, but i am a stubborn dumbass.

Turns out...  eventually that motion, that half hearted attempt works in the long run. You do actually wind up being able to use that. To turn the negative around into a positive, or at least deflect it w/o suffering the pain of the wound and the darkness and agony of the healing process.

Every once in a while a blow slips past. Even Bruce Lee took a hard hit now and then.

Writing these words has helped actually. More than anything the visualizing the wax on wax off, the elements of most of the Japanese martial arts. Maybe it is a renewed/reawaken focus on the Japanese influence from growing up in Seattle...  that cues that in. Maybe not. I think it is coming from something more internal. More of a self awareness confidence recognition. Hard to explain i suppose.

But it feels right. Mostly because i know what feels wrong. very much like the last book in the Giver series...  darkness feeds on misery, anger and hate feed on darkness and fear, and it is a massive feedback loop. A maelstrom that isn't easy to escape from.

It does feel like I've made it out of the depths of the storm, but sometimes moments like tonight happen and I get knocked down, tossed around, dragged back in.

Until I relax, focus, remember what is important, how to calm, and regain control and use some of this motion to get back up to a position of being in control, or more in control.

And starting from the top through to a few extra hard returns ago, this writing did just that. Which is uncharacteristic. Usually or historically the writing and dwelling and discussing the issues drags me deeper, feeds the demon. But then I didn't specifically address any of the issues, I alluded to them, named a few minor players that helped the body blow get past the defenses...  and maybe that is it? Either way... a feeling of steadyness has returned just in the process of writing, so almost the feeling of going back and editing it all and removing the negative words...

but then that would be untrue to the process.

would be not me, open book. Here I am. A product of all those around me. And I would be remiss to not give a huge amount of credit for the polishing of my wax on wax off to someone who really did act very much like a Mr Miyagi to me this fall. An old friend. A friend I met over 25 years ago now. Kept sort of distant contact with kind of - more so of the last 10 years, or at least maybe once i gave in and joined facebook, but this fall. Very much a true re-establishment of this friendship. So valuable, so serendipitous, and I can hear the words they would be saying to me, almost a congratulatory good job geoffrey, you were able to turn the negative around, tweak it and come out the other side in a positive way. So yes, i do owe so much to this Miyagi...  and maybe the wax on wax off was all done this fall? Or like i may have said, my Mr Miyagi helped me to connect the wax on wax off into not getting beat up by attacks. How to use them to defend the happiness that honestly helps make me who I am. Sure sure i'm still grumpy about everything, but happy about being grumpy now, not being the angry sad grumpy get out of my face grumpy. The nicest asshole you'll ever meet.

"For the final question in the interview today, can you tell us what you think your biggest weakness is?"
"that's easy, honestly."
"that's odd I don't think of honestly as a weakness"
"I don't give a shit what you think."

Big weekend. Can't wait.

I am here only because I have the most amazing friends.

And before signing off I want to offer a thank you to you all. A deep heart felt and absolutely sincere thank you to each one. For even the smallest gestures of just saying hello, just reaching out and connecting. Or more than that, supporting me in ways that allow me to do things that allow me to be me.

So thank you, esp Mr Miyagi and everyone else, that has given even the smallest token to me. Thank you...

See you all at Goddard Park for NBX? I'm racing at 9:30 both days, lets see what happens on this crazy road to Asheville.

heddwch
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And happy belated birthday Tommy D, miss ya buddy!