Survived

Sort of. Kind of.

That weekend.

My mother was correct, I'm still struggling with some deep emotions about the weekend and the event and how to process it and it is a significant undercurrent that I really don't know what to do with or really where to find it inside. There's a knot of emotions, kind of a big one, one of the threads is my oldest kid's graduation. They are special, unique and I'm intensely proud of them. But also as familiar I feel a bit of a stranger in some respects. Then again I have a similar stranger relationship with my father. Sure, I know him, pretty well, but I don't know him. Not like my brother's do.

I started writing here to share Peter's story. Everyone's read it by now but I thought by going back to a time when we read something on the internet and shared it on our web logs, not twitter or Facebook.

https://cyclingtips.com/2018/06/lost-and-found-painful-memories-of-a-bike-tour-that-shaped-two-lives/

So yeah. I just finished reading that. It is pushing 5pm, the emails from while I was out of the office have almost all been replied to, unfortunately every one requires additional responses and I'm tired.



Physically very much so, emotionally...  doesn't even register.

My mother came out, stopped by while I was working on the car replacing the brakes before the waterpump blew up leaving us with only one working car on a huge weekend and no time for me to fix it. And well taking all the time off means that while I have time off to take I had already pre-scheduled the whole week and a half after my "vacation" before I had even set the out of office reply on the email.

She mentioned with alarming accuracy that something was intense inside me. I don't know what to do with it or how to get it out, but I can feel it. I'm not ignoring it but I'm also probably struggling with what to do with it. I think maybe I need a long ride. Alone. A little like Peter's story I suppose. We get to this age and know very close friends who've miscarried and watched the pain closer than I would like.

The photo of my mother sailing with K on tuesday popped up in my FB feed this morning. I have been pretty much ignoring it even more than Twitter lately and when i saw it I totally lost it. There was a supreme happiness and peace in their face, expression and body language. That was awesome. And I'm wiping tears off my face as I type.

Sunday's dinner was rough, but so good, and everyone had so much fun.

Somehow I came home and  became unhinged and grumpy. And I don't know why.

But the graduation ceremony was amazing. we sat next to the kid basically. Tom and I had to make an emergency drive home to get the white gloves they needed per dress code and got back in time despite losing a prime parking spot and having to shell out a ton of cash. It was hot, suit and the temp in the cathedral were getting to me but I survived. They were wrapping things up and then well, yeah he's gonna kill me if I write about it but it was big, he had an issue, and recovered surprisingly well, but he started getting a bit unsteady and flushed, stood up and then passed out. It was all I could do to catch him and try and settle him to the floor w/o him hitting his head. This just as my oldests had walked out now a full fledged HS graduate with both the RI and National honor society ribbons and massive decoration of pins on their gown. We had a few doctors witness and help, 4 people on their phones instantly when the person on my right grabbed his wrist and said call 911. He looked dead. Eyes open, pupils and reactions not responding. Dead weight awkwardly in my arms.  There was a good crew of people helping, someone had an EMT bag with cold compresses. Tom woke up, went ashen, started sweating then began to return to normal. But rescue had been called and it turned out one of the guys I worked with at the bike shop who went to be a PVD firefighter was one of the responders. Tom recovered and we all made it home w/o any ER trips, but it certainly added a bit of extra to the event.

Tuesday Tom was fine, back to his old self. Funny how not seeing someone for almost 10 years doesn't change much. We went to the bike shops, stopped in to see the new scope, had lunch at Ben Lloyd's new Deli (it was good). came home, made dinner, stayed up talking. My in-laws were also there but headed out on Tuesday.  A rotation of extra people in the small house, but y'all got word about the in-laws via the cereal. And worst part of the cereal is everyone else is eating it. For breakfast. Shrug. It'll be gone soon.

Had a very long talk late into the night with Tom...  he took off Wed morning, I fell back asleep, then K and I rode to the shop and put bikes together the two of us all day.

The story of the weekend can be told but I'm still just trying to process. I had more days off in the last week than I have since December, and I only took 4 days off. I may try and write through it this time, maybe. Or I'll dive back into books and just read instead of writing. But something is off, not sure what honestly. One foot in front of the other.

and just like the old days I'm not proof reading this shit.

probably start bawling all over again if I do.

heddwch
G