Unpacking

There was a bit there in that last one eh?

The timing of AB's suicide shook me a bit to be honest. Spent the day yesterday kind of in a huge fog. Major introspection I suppose. Folks that reached out - thanks, but one thing a few twitter threads helped to understand more clearly about myself. If you ask if someone like me, probably AB and a lot of others, they are going to decline the offer. Lots of reasons that don't make sense unless you're that very narrow type of person. Adam Myerson even had a tweet that hit it pretty square on. https://twitter.com/AdamMyerson/status/1005216169941504001?s=19  I def don't feel like I'm spreading the light but I will acknowledge that while I sometimes feel like a self centered asshole I do most everything for reasons not mine. Adam def correct, empaths are strange and if you're not one you won't ever get it. But still some of the more accurate reasons for declining like i said tend to be a variation of Embarrassment, Pride, Shame, Selfreliance. "I can do it, just not right now." Offers we get and we know are from the best places, too generous, can't be accepted. Often if we can't do it ourselves we're not deserving of accepting the help...  maybe "we're" deserving, but being and feeling it are not the same and I usually don't think i'm deserving of it.  This was one of the other threads, can't find the other one at the moment https://twitter.com/sheilakathleen/status/1005116845240848385?s=19

And these fogs and waves come and go.  Some times far more intense and unexpected and once they settle little things that are normally dealt with are inconsequential, and then all the lingering deeper shit we normally can pack away or manage come to the surface. The feedback loop is really really fucked up. For some people. And then sometimes you have a couple weeks like I just did.

Yeah I admire those who say "just flip the switch" and can do it. I can't.

But I'm also to the point where I know enough that I can find the light and hang on and get through it.

myself.

The car thing is overhanging. Still haven't fixed the waterpump. I miss the days of close friends that it never felt like an imposition to see if people wanted to get together to fix the car. Was thinking about that this morning. That social side of self-reliance. I can fix it. But when. Then the pressures mount and the second job, the activities. The anxiety of today and getting everything done and people where they needed to be wound up sorting itself out.

Turned into: Not a problem. Once it did I was able to relax a little more, I spent the whole night thinking, not sleeping much, or just in a high functioning somewhat concious sleep space. I was going to head to the shop, but words were propagating in my head and i figured fuck it - I need to get them out, I'll get to work when I do. If i get home later and have to do grocery shopping before dinner? so be it. That or we wing it and I go shopping in the morning. Not going to worry about it.

For a change.

The van will get fixed and we'll be a one car family until it is. We'll get everything done, the oldest has planned her 18th birthday, a dinner out with her closest friends, considering I don't even remember mine I don't feel too bad, they are an adult and as long as they are having fun, and that group of kids has fun and is very supporting of each other.  Yeah - no memory of my 18th but my 19th was a surprise party thrown by my GF and i didn't know it was a surprise or a party until everyone was there and were totally in a state of shock wondering why I wasn't cluing in on why everyone was there - it was awkward.

Bonus for waiting this long to ride in to work at the shop today is the bike path gets pretty empty even on the best days during the lunch 'hour' esp along the stretch from my house to the squantum place where I head north. Same when it is time to head home usually.

I still haven't called my dad. But then he hasn't called me either.

The dogs are here right next to me, both sleeping peacefully and I think would probably prefer that I just stay here and hang out with them all day and live the dog life of sleeping and being lazy.

I did wind up finally finishing book 7, Persepolis Rising.  No resolution, guess we wait till book 8 to find out what happens.

Not sure I'm going to finish Children of Time by Adrian T. just can't seem to get into it, besides - i'm not a fan of giant super smart spiders.

Plenty to do besides read now that i've been able to finish that book.

Like get my ass out the door (lunch is already packed, just gotta put shoes on and helmet and head in.

I think i'll do that, get some bikes built, not stress on how fast I'm building them and just get it done, and do what I can do at a slower pace, a recovery pace.

heddwch
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