being here to help - helping - is good.
still much to do.
life eh?
stumbling through - (written earlier in the week)
2018-09-21
This song gets me to pause every time it pops back in a playlist/mix...
blank page here for a bit - saw a video, a link to someone with a new sponsor.
listening to this song a few times to chill/steel myself before checking the vid.
one of the gang is suggesting we get together in the same old skinsuits we all used to race in but, well, shit, I dunno man, that band broke up, talk about bringing it back? nah that's bad. too painful. so many uncertains. strung out the convo last night on twitter, made sure the one who blocked me was in most all of the replies, bet he didn't even see any of the thread, guessing he heard about it from somewhere else or just used the non-him account to watch...
A big part of the current cloud is the missing kid. The hole left by their not being here is pretty significant. Feel isolated and alone a bit, much more connected to that one than anyone else. Even if I felt pretty much in the dark in June. layers on layers.
very little reminding me of the good stuff lately.
my brain seems esp good at reminding me of the bad shit, the shit I have regrets or lost opportunities, or yeah all that shit some people can just move past, I'm usually pretty good about it. But sometimes I get sucked back in too easily. And when the emotional batteries are drained there's no reserves to keep shit from spinning out of control.
Wing stall...
Fighting to regain control before crashing hard...
there's a good chance of surviving the full crash...
but it takes a very long time to get back to normal...
5 years isn't enough time...
hell I don't think there's ever going back to normal. there's only learning how to deal with it, there's only hiding it from others, but mostly hiding it from yourself.
Racing both days this weekend but of course what happened wed night when I got home.
Fucking piriform locked up again. The dull super ache. Just when shit was getting better. I sat in a couple extra long meetings hyper focused and not moving and one of the chairs must have been just not right enough that I had to pop a pile of pills just to sleep. and to function. and now i have back to back races this weekend.
at least day two should be much lower key.
that is if I can move, if the drive doesn't destroy any ability to move pain free.
I survived Kalon cross, similar pain. I should hopefully make it through the courses this weekend.
We'll see what happens. Keep on keeping on. Adjust to the new paradigm, keep on moving on.
Need to push for a bit more creativity but at the moment I'm going to go do some bike building therapy for the hip/butt. For some reason an hour or more of that seems to help relax it all. On the desperate side of hope with this stupid pain.
pushing work - pushing to make it all happen.
soldiering on, carrying the weight...
heddwch
G
2018-09-21
This song gets me to pause every time it pops back in a playlist/mix...
blank page here for a bit - saw a video, a link to someone with a new sponsor.
listening to this song a few times to chill/steel myself before checking the vid.
one of the gang is suggesting we get together in the same old skinsuits we all used to race in but, well, shit, I dunno man, that band broke up, talk about bringing it back? nah that's bad. too painful. so many uncertains. strung out the convo last night on twitter, made sure the one who blocked me was in most all of the replies, bet he didn't even see any of the thread, guessing he heard about it from somewhere else or just used the non-him account to watch...
A big part of the current cloud is the missing kid. The hole left by their not being here is pretty significant. Feel isolated and alone a bit, much more connected to that one than anyone else. Even if I felt pretty much in the dark in June. layers on layers.
very little reminding me of the good stuff lately.
my brain seems esp good at reminding me of the bad shit, the shit I have regrets or lost opportunities, or yeah all that shit some people can just move past, I'm usually pretty good about it. But sometimes I get sucked back in too easily. And when the emotional batteries are drained there's no reserves to keep shit from spinning out of control.
Wing stall...
Fighting to regain control before crashing hard...
there's a good chance of surviving the full crash...
but it takes a very long time to get back to normal...
5 years isn't enough time...
hell I don't think there's ever going back to normal. there's only learning how to deal with it, there's only hiding it from others, but mostly hiding it from yourself.
Racing both days this weekend but of course what happened wed night when I got home.
Fucking piriform locked up again. The dull super ache. Just when shit was getting better. I sat in a couple extra long meetings hyper focused and not moving and one of the chairs must have been just not right enough that I had to pop a pile of pills just to sleep. and to function. and now i have back to back races this weekend.
at least day two should be much lower key.
that is if I can move, if the drive doesn't destroy any ability to move pain free.
I survived Kalon cross, similar pain. I should hopefully make it through the courses this weekend.
We'll see what happens. Keep on keeping on. Adjust to the new paradigm, keep on moving on.
Need to push for a bit more creativity but at the moment I'm going to go do some bike building therapy for the hip/butt. For some reason an hour or more of that seems to help relax it all. On the desperate side of hope with this stupid pain.
pushing work - pushing to make it all happen.
soldiering on, carrying the weight...
heddwch
G
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