Where are we now

Hugely personal introspective questions have been roaming in my conscious brain like a swarm of locusts.

Or maybe just really hungry grasshoppers...  or maybe giraffes?

Dunno but it has been kind of odd.

Definitely off. Riding, but mostly just commuting. Last week was destructively exhausting. Mostly just emotionally and internally, not physically although I don't think I did much to help the pedaling faster during races.

And now that Hurricane Florence, or what is left of it, is pounding the fuck out of Southern New England right now, Dirty smackdown is in jeopardy at the moment (HOLY SHIT I SPELLED JEOPARDY RIGHT THE FIRST TIME). And well looks like the weather is clearing a bit, front moved through faster and earlier than expected and has gone a bit south.

Bodes well for smackdown not being wet from both sides (top and bottom).

Maybe I'll sort it out and make a little loop in the belgian sand section and spend some time working on short laps that make my lungs bleed and my legs protest riding the single speed home.

Been reading a bit. Listening to books on tape at the shop to keep my mind from wandering. Books at 1.4x speed go by pretty quickly, but Jack McDevitt books all kind of are a bit too formulaic for me now. Good but there's so much cross over between the Priscilla Hutch series and the Alex B one that you absolutely know it is the same dude making stuff up. Finished the Scalzi Lock In book. So good. I don't know if it is a short book, but man it read very quickly and was good. First time in a while I don't have anything checked out from the library to read.

reading as an addiction substitute seems to be working okay, although I'm getting kind of tired from all the seltzer i'm drinking. It has stopped being a thirst thing and more a habit thing. But I guess that's not the worst addiction. Other than the actually whole having sleep interrupted by getting up.

I had a lot I wanted to say about the opening sentence. But can't really. I did have a moment of clarity and understanding but it doesn't come with any resolution. Lots of tracing back to me growing up, influences, frustrations, being too afraid or shy or just not enough confidence to reach out and explore and develop. KF had a good point about re-learning social strategies once sober and not drinking, and reflecting back on the summer, well, fortunately I've only had probably three social situations, maybe four, where I would have been drinking, and in all of them I wasn't much different w/o the beer than i would have been with it. And yes, I'm still analyzing the whole not drinking thing. Also completely buckled down with the fact that it is going to have to be the new me for quite a while.

Along those same lines I do feel like my stupid lower back/hip/butt is getting better. I can feel the progress. I can also still feel it when it begins to get tweaked and edging towards a spasm. And no, I haven't started doing more plans or more stretches. Maybe tomorrow.

Planning on racing both days this weekend. Single speed for both. Not sure when I'll put gears on the bike. Maybe I won't even bother. You can race Gloucester with one gear right? Not like I'm smart or strong enough to make use of being able to shift.

Shit - new radar looks wet. The heavy band of yellow and red has moved on but there's some solid green headed this way - could be kind of gross. Oh well at least it isn't cold.

Last week's post was leading into some deep stuff but i wrapped it up, packed it in, chewed on it, digested, threw it up, tried to hide it but it won't go away. Oh well. Nothing to do about it but figure out how to live with/move on and keep putting everyone else first most of the time. Fitting a bit for me in here and there in the corners and cracks out of the way.

Well, guess it is time to fill a water bottle and start getting things together for a bit of a wet CX practice. The challenge is going to be: do I bother to keep pedaling if no one shows or do I ride back to the office and get my backpack and just head home...

heddwch,
G