listening more to Frank Turner

this week at least....

I Am Disappeared  just played...

Drove the van today. Time to start addressing the problem I've been not making a highest priority until this week. Called on Tuesday, driving it down to have the pros take a look at it.

Open all tabs has been dry this week. Blogs really are dead. Me and Stevil?
Not many, if any others. At least he has a compelling story and a timeline and something that is happening that most of us our age aren't doing. Driving around in your car riding bikes, making art, connecting and searching.

The news is dramatic, many are stoked at the start of the process, I don't know, it should have happened a long time ago, happy it is happening at all but end game is pretty fucking dire. There's a pathway to dismantle the whole fucking mess, but what a fucking mess.


I heard a bit more detail about Dereck's passing, he didn't go alone, he left the mortal coil in the company of his dog. That fact causes serious unease in my heart. It has to have been bad enough to want to go out on your own terms even when you have the love of a dog, but then to take the dog with you? Someone suggested it wasn't his choice that it was a malicious murder. I don't think so but it is hard not to sound callous and say that yes it was sad and tragic that he ended his own life but taking your dog twists the knife up and down and sideways. For me at least. Can't imagine. Literally, can't.

Life...  crazy mother fucking ride.

I looked at the parts just now for the wheel bearings. If I had a full high torque impact wrench and space and a good selection of BFHs (big fucking hammers) it is probably a pretty simple job, probably don't even need to change the alignment. But this is fucking New England and every bolt that hasn't been touched in the last couple years is frozen solid. Or solid enough that dealing with spinny bits and that level shit is maybe something I've just gotten too old to deal with. I have acquired the experience and skills to do it, and finally don't have the luxury of time, nor the opportunity of space, or the friends close by to work on this shit with me.  Cars, ugh. I would really love to be car free. But with kids and stuff, and the house is more than just me and well...  cars... fuck.

Bikes though, that racing thing? Caroline has another great diary over on CX mag. Numbers. Yup. Syl made a crack over on faceplace about me, and how the heat "slowed" me down. Suggesting otherwise. It shouldn't have bugged me as much as it did. Was it the heat? Yes. But was it because I'm just slow? Yes. Does it have something to do with not being recovered? Yes. Odd because usually I'm really good at dealing with the heat. Maybe I am just slow.

Tough watching everyone head over to the 1 PVD training race. i was tired yesterday, it is a good 50 min ride home from there, through the city, and ends in the dark. Cars. Drive there? Ugh. Guess I'm not racing this weekend, also needed to not ride hard yesterday anyway. No pedaling today.

I think perhaps this not pedaling is making me slower? But then I know I won't go faster w/o recovery. I also know that hanging out with people/person that brings constant joy and all that just being around them is a huge ergogenic boost. Bury that last comment, maybe no one will notice it. But then I haven't done anything structured. Intervals this year? Nope. can't do the trainer thing because new bike doesn't work on it and haven't set up the other bikes for it. Should I? Probably. Gotta manage the commute though. Build the training into that is the best but have I? nope.

Will I? I dunno. Maybe I'll just show up for some singlespeed races and fuck it - as long as I don't get beat by Chip it is all in balance. Would like to ride some MTB shit this weekend. We'll see how that shakes out.

I think perhaps second job has seasoned out. There's still stuff to do, but honestly perhaps I've done enough, I'm tired. I suppose I should go see the doc, over due for the annual physical. Been a while since I've been in there. Good news? Hip/lower back is better than it has ever been. Weird but good.

Overwhelmed with the constant crazy accumulation here at the big job. So much so ate lunch quickly and am writing before moving on to the last few things before dealing with the car later.

Well that's fun - colleauge stopped in the office - and nearly turned right around, took a look at me and she said "oof you look like you're in a mood, i should leave" dark cloud over me is that visible? Of course what did I say? I'm fine (mostly true sort of), but that reaction to leave kind of makes it worse, but nothing to do. "You sure you're okay?" yeah i'm fine, gotta leave to take the car in in a second.  ... or an hour. half hour now.

Hey at least I get a break this afternoon. Probably gonna pick up a cheap coffee grinder so I can try this Midnight ride coffee if things wrap up not too late.

probably shouldn't even have started writing today... oh well... feeling not terrible, other than just tired, i think. 

Did have a really strange vivid dream, reading War Cross and Wildcard has my brain all re-aligned with the Japanese i guess, similar to that Norwegian wood book, but different, characters in the dream are current connections, non of the old ones, weird, but oddly surreal. Killed enough time - constantly irrupted, kind of a requirement here right? Multi-threaded parallel streams of subconsciousness.

Probably should NOT listen to my Frank Turner or Bon Iver station for a while. Problem is I'm not tolerating much else. Sigh.

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