another/annual yuletide interlude

back on the ferry…  

was brushing my teeth this morning and I had a clarification… I want a vacation, one that is something that isn’t burdened by others, time to just sleep, read, ride a bike, not worry about doing anything, just relaxing.

There was another thing, and I can’t fucking remember and it was pretty close to as big of a holy shit that’s accurate…

how rarely have i been able to say concretely something off what I want…

and now I can’t keep writing because the ferry is docking.

maybe more later

And as we were driving away in the insane Seattle traffic trying to figure out where we going because the Ferry schedule doesn’t mesh well with getting into the venue (in the venue now).

I want a car that I don’t have to think/worry about.

two things… pretty simple, but loaded with guilt because they are selfish…

yeah the car is still hanging over my head, even from here, even in the midst of all this.

i wrote four words earlier today - after the tooth brushing realization…

Strangeness…  Lost?

Confusion… Sadness?

Yuletide is insane, as always. And even with K here it is even more alone/isolated. Kind of the not sure why I’m bothering. Very much close to the whats the point, but there is a point and it makes sense it just doesn’t feel like it now and I’m obviously not in great headspace. Taking a few selfish minutes to sit and drink coffee and not do anything but write. “What are you doing Geoffrey?” “nothing” “Is it related to Yuletide?” “no” “Why not there’s lots to do.” 

So yeah - guess I’d better get off my ass before everyone keeps yelling at me.

I’m trying to say “Thank you for your patience with me.” Instead of “sorry for seeming so unhelpful.” or something - the mental tweak - even when i’m not feeling awesome - from appologizing to appreciating.