For listening to a book.
I can't quite imagine what it would be like to listen to this book at 1.0 speed. I was at 1.5x this morning on the bike ride in, this book is a good distraction for what the fuck is going on, and it is due tomorrow and while I have a physical copy and have been doing a hybrid read, lately when I've tried to read, i'm tired and the book is good but not gripping and action packed enough to keep me awake. Sadly it also isn't enough to put me to sleep right away, just land me in that purgatory of too sleepy to do much but not sleepy enough to fall right asleep.
So there I was, fuck it, lets go to 1.75x.
And it was not too fast.
There was also a line in there "as you listen to this" and I want to go back to the paper copy and see if it says "as you read this"
It has been a brutally hard couple weeks.
Emotionally mostly, mentally too, not so much physically.
But. Yesterday the knee flared up super painfully. Def limping now. Not sure if it was all the time in the car yesterday, or something else? or? Fuck I dunno.
felt not terrible on the ride in, maybe it just needed pedal therapy yesterday and didn't get it?
Why so much car time yesterday? Headed to the gallery. After not sleeping at all. Or well, I slept but very poorly and was awake trying to fall asleep as my anxiety ebbed and flowed and my HR spiked and chilled and my BP thudded and softened and thudded... till solidly into the next day... maybe a few hours of sleep, nothing good though. Why? Just another vague email trying to push the gallery trip back and my brain couldn't see it as any other way than bad, it wasn't of course. The metal prints are there, not perfect and different and very cool but my printer makes it look more like I want, maybe we need a few more iterations and discussion with the printer, maybe just need to find a different metal printer. It is awesome but being there with the art made me realize that yeah that shit that is hanging is really good.
The extra person in the house, insanely challenging as expected, and probably as expected I'm the biggest problem. I'm probably at fault for everything and well, hey, if you need someone to ruin your life here I am. Seem to be really good at it, or just not good at taking care of myself and others at the same time, standard dichotomy I guess for GeWilli. No moderation.
Oh and there's just endless horrible shit happening... constant and seemingly expanding horrors.
And from how people have been reacting to me, it feels like I'm doing equally as much damage as the worst in the news. So that's kind of fun aka not helping much.
I'm trying.
That's really all I can do. I mean I could just say fuck it, go full fuck everyone and do what the fuck I want and fuck the consequences and just let it all go. I mean what's the fucking point? Why bother... What's the point?
It is obviously not a real question but something that comes up all the time. I'm not going out of my way to create drama, in fact I generally try to do the absolute fucking opposite, and yet.
But I make art. I teach people. I put bikes together. I cook food when I'm not so completely physically destroyed and sometimes even then. I try to absorb more ripples than I create when I'm in the world but that midset seems easier to do with strangers when there are no expectations set.
Today has been a day of helping, Can I actively offset the pain I've inadvertently caused? Probably not. An impossible task. can I be someone i'm not? nope. neither the perfect friend nor the fuck it all selfishness, can't be either, can only be me.
So I'm going to share the photos of the gallery hangings I took yesterday.
Eat lunch. And finish going about my day trying to not fuck up.
Heddwch
G
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