words from Cruising altitude

There’s been no hiding that I’ve been struggling lately. Life’s been grinding me down.

Last year after classes finished I more than doubled my total annual mileage and then some. Only losing out to the state competition by 10 miles for the month of May. That was brutal. But I’m okay with it. This may is going to be different. Already has been. I’ve ridden my bike once this week. BIKE TO WORK WEEK! ONCE! ME?! And this is going to be the fist BTW day in PVD i’ll have missed since the first one I showed up at in 2006.

It has been wearing on me. I’m drinking a bit more than most people but still not more than people I know and never before I start cooking dinner. I should stop but it is nice, I enjoy the beer or two. Currently enjoying a Ginger Williams at 30k feet in the air.

I was reading. I loaded up the Pixel C with 8 books. At the last minute (this morning) I checked out Oliver Sack’s On the Move.  I had downloaded it as an audio book for the drive back from Asheville, but Overdrive didn’t get packet 6 out of 9 and well I stopped part way through it and listened to some trashy explicit sex book for the rest of the drive (entertaining? yeah, repeatable? nah). Got back, bought the paper version of the book, started reading…  then somehow stopped reading, stalled out in Voyages.

So today, time to go back. And man, it couldn’t be more perfect. The stories with SJ Gould, with Francis Crick, (currently there at the moment) could there be a more inspirational moment…  yes sure but it fucking clicked.

Something clicked. In a really good way. In a much needed way.

It was a fucking struggle getting here. To the plane. An hour before I left I found the air compressor dead. An hour later I think it is working. No compressor, no functionality for one scope, limited for others and three dead air tables. And I’m not going to be back in the lab until Monday.

So yeah. I’ve been struggling. But, well, shit’s not terrible. But not amazing. I’m absolutely blessed and lucky but not blissfully happy, or at peace.

The art install came down and reading the fucking amazing shit that Oliver is writing about, resonated.

I’m not a scientist.

I’m a very technically intense artist, mechanic and a teacher, that rides bikes. Self identity is important no? Yes. Own who you are, be yourself.

Back to the book, or not really.  Who inspires me? What does? Certain people. But few, nature, the view I see of things through the SEM. THAT fucking drives me.  Riding my bike. I’m not fast and the Smackdown has deteriorated into a fucking race like “Fuck your flicking elbow I’m not pulling through because if I do I can’t attack you later” (damn those words leveled a massive negative cloud on me…  so I AM NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE ASSHOLES or their coach who encourages the behavior despite being married to one of the people I admire above most --- yeah i suspect pretty much no one will get that, good)

BACK TO THE BOOK

I read the passage, and needed to write. Because like Sacks keeps talking about, the brain is amazing, crazy, complex but somehow I’m sort of figuring some shit out, brain wise for all and personally I suppose. Neuroscience man. Crazy shit. The idea of people like Gould, Crick, Sacks and everyone else, doing amazing shit is mind blowing.

One quote that started it…
“There can hardly be a greater pleasure in life than learning that an intellectual hero has enjoyed one’s own labor in return.”

Is it the same with artists? Yes. When praise is given by those you respect to no end for work you’ve done…  it is very much the same.

another quote from Gould in a letter to Sacks:
“Funny how once you get in contact with someone you want to meet for years, you begin to see things you want to discuss with him everywhere.”

Another parallel to life. It is odd, how do you deal with that connectivity? I don’t think you have to. It is there. Those who do extraordinary things (like these individuals) have more in common than not.

I’m headed to a place, an almost Mecca I guess, of the EM world. FEI’s headquarters in Hillsboro is legendary, and really the big gain will be in neural connectivity, the rest of everything is just minor small projects bit still awesome. But…  hey, the tool will enable me to do expand the artistic range of Nanoscape. And that drives me more than anything. De-installing at the med school Kris said “Let me know when you have something else.” An open ended statement but one that felt good and was genuine and encouraging, and pretty cool.

Not getting the Granoff show was a big blow, despite not being able to make it happen without the encouragement of another artist and individual of much respect.

Also, Pixel C split screen shit is FUCKING AWESOME, the keyboard is pretty close to mechanical and solid, split screen just makes it easier to transcribe from screen shots.

The last time I was flying across country the place was covered in snow. now? not so much. It was 90 when I left PVD.

The heat turned on in the house on Sunday. Now they need AC, but maybe it will be settled down when I get back, in the middle of the night, in a day or two…

I’ve been listening to lots of Frank Turner. His lyrics take over my brain. They resonate. Toughest moment was listening to the song for Josh. Monday morning i think. at the bike shop, building bikes to catch up and get ahead going into not being there, played the song. Bawled my eyes out. Miss Chris Moeckle. Really really miss him, and the song about Josh was pretty much everything I would have said, have been saying to myself.

odd how reading something, hits the trigger. odd how fast this crazy trip happened.

Words, I write, then I read, sometimes someone else does too.,,,  

Life is strange, and challenging, and man do I wonder what i’ve done…  

We’ll see when this posts, plenty more to say, reading, i guess, reading well written shit, is inspirational eh….   

A few edits but mostly just straight from the brain on the plane. Maybe I’ll write tonight, maybe I’ll read. Maybe I’ll see if i can grab a ceremonial Oly sixer for the west coast visit shit beet (i’ll drink a good one or two to make up for it)

heddwch

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RI Red Rooster Ronde

Success is only judged by a metric that everyone can agree on.

So given everything I'm calling yesterday a 'Success'

It successfully crushed me the way thursday's hundo tried to do but was unable to.

It destroyed my one working decently light multi-purpose bike (bottom bracket is dead, shifter loose, still has RdR mud on it).

In abject contrast to Thursday's Hundo I was fine post ride, felt super strong to the point of surprising myself all the way till the end and until i fell asleep. I will admit to being really fucking tired but unlike Thursday, functionally tired.

This morning?

Fuck. That. Shit. Holy crap dude. I was a wreck. Took me forever to get out of the house, and pedaling wasn't painful, it was just slow. And I was tired all day. ALL fucking day. also that wasn't good but it was what it was and I'm home and dishes are done and dinner is made and everyone ate it.

Tomorrow is supposed to be smackdown, but Black Blue is dead in the water...  no fucking way am I going to attempt that ride on the SSCX death cruiser made of lead. I could take the quantum pro out of mothballs but ...  i dunno...  i may work to announce the ride and let everyone have fun this week.

M-Sun last week i rode 250+ miles. I haven't ridden that far in a week since the end of august. NO WONDER I'M FUCKING TIRED!

piling on with smackdown just seems really dumb despite feeling compelled to be the defacto ride leader, even if i get dropped everytime, or when I don't get dropped i get left behind because I try to wait for others....  

Yesterday was pretty awesome. Such a good day, even despite all my mechanicals.

I'm also in absolute sticker shock at a bar...  $7 for a pint? Holy fucking shit...  that'll get me more than happy for a whole night drinking at home...  dumped a week's worth of beer into food and a couple pints. Worth it? Yeah. 

The ride was so good.

Huge thanks to Roger for coming down, for Chip and his contribution in absentia.

Halfway through the ride I thought, "yes we have a shit ton of options for the route, we can change it completely... but...  only 15 or so people have seen this like this...  and they'll still have just as much fun as they did last year with this... I think we can run the same route next year and have even more fun.

Just going to need to work a bit better at not dropping balls and making sure I reach out well enough to get the attendance that will generated a significant donation as well as having a critical mass of awesome to ride the route.

I'll write up the ride tomorrow, maybe...  I thought things would settle down now... but yeah.. fuck that... totally screwed for the next while....

at least i have my commute... even if it is a stupid headwind on the way home

heddwch

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terrified

i should be able to deal with this as old as i am, right?

I wrote tonight; "TBH [to be honest] I'm completely terrified about tomorrow, wanting so much for it to be good. Hoping it is good enough to build on. Mostly anxiously scared."

And it is true. literally completely worried, terrified, anxious.

But.

in the same breath, i'm so, so stoked on the route. I think it is going to be fucking awesome, epic and is just going to be the best.

So i'm gonna get up early, make some coffee...  if the kit is still wet that I just now hung out to dry i'll toss it in the dryer and tumble it.

I want this to work, but know given a few reactions "I didn't know about this" or "I put it on the calendar two months ago but now have a conflict" and I don't take it personally and totally understand but then can't help but feeling like I didn't do enough. Which is probably true.  I am certain I didn't do enough.

But then I look at everything else I'm trying to do, how many other balls I've dropped trying to keep them all in the air... I have to remind myself, I'm stupid lucky even to have this day open and a manager at job #2 who is accepting and willing to put up with my insanity.

This ride is going to be awesome. I think it may wind up being a sprint and a TT back to PVD, but it is going to be so fucking awesome...

I just wish I could make the feeling of dread and fear and anxiety about it all just go away...

There are some amazing people showing up, and we're going to have a fucking blast, even if i have just a few confirmed "I'll see you there's" I feel an intense gratitude for that. And at the same token a huge sympathetic understanding to those who can't and who reached out to say as much.

You know what's the worst?

The unknown.

For me.

How do you prepare for the unknown? Well if you're me you, by instinct, prepare for the worst. Because that's likely the case and far too often has been born out to be correct. Far too often, at least in my experience, or i just remember those more than the ones i'm pleasantly surprised.  Does that mean i'm not an optimist? or that I'm just a realistic pessimistic optimist? Or I just overthink everything in the frame of my personal experience and observation? Who knows.

Tomorrow is the last day of April.... Then there are 8 days until I'm done teaching...  then another round of unexpected stuff has shown up.

But tomorrow.

What will tomorrow bring?

I don't know.

But i think part of growing and learning is tossing yourself headlong into uncomfortable situations and hoping for some growth.

I'm really looking forward to the ride though, so that is helping stay steady and focused.

I guess I should make sure i wake up early enough to get the bike ready (yeah, srsly, it isn't ready - i was driving kid around and building bikes all day).

And waking up early enough is probably in line with going to bed soon.

SO damn conflicted hoping to find some peace before sleep, and wake up recharged and ready to go. This morning I just woke up really tired. Probably because I stayed up late writing...

oh shit...

good night motherfuckers
heddwch
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hundo dundo?

I haven't written about it yet...

I should...

it was far beyond anything I could have expected, far beyond the physical challenge I thought I set for myself.

I'm not talking the 12 hundo, i'm talking yesterday.

But right now I'm toying with going to bed, or cracking another beer and writing.

Sunday's #RRRR is still hanging over me...  talking with a friend, how to label ourselves, pessimistic optimist, optimistic pessimist? prepare for the worst and hope for the best? Does that fall under the greek god Matt Roy's 6Ps?

How hard do i need to hit the pavement to make this generate the feedback that would make me feel it will be a success???  Far harder than i have time or yeah, just time, well a bit of mental focus too, to do.

10pm a handful of beers in is less productive than the time before, but the time before I'm getting paid, either by big job or by second job.

And yeah...  two, because how else is an empath gonna survive?

*unmuffledsoundofbeercanopening*

Yesterday was crazy.

Never work on your bike the day before a big event, well the rear brakes were gone. and holy shit i had no idea how gone. Got them fixed wed night though. Man, holy shit they were bad.

I wanted to put the road tires on, you know swap off the 980 gram commuter tires for something in the sub 400 range, maybe save 100-200 grams in tubes as well...  but nah.

Thought about taking the fenders off, esp since the forecast was to be dry. These fenders are awesome but not light weight.

In the end? I went with working brakes.

And a big orange single speed bike.

Left and got 3 miles from home before i realized in my hurry i didn't do the routine bag balm the ass/taint/ball region like i usually do for these rides....  Shortly after that I realized that, while discovering the seat post has slipped a few mm and correcting it, not getting the saddle lined up is stupid. Had to fix that at one point.

okay... too late for full narrative, maybe i'm still tired from yesterday...

it was a heavy mist from Rumford to Plymouth. Roads were soaked and so were Goldberg and Sarah. Me? I HAD THEM MOTHER FUCKING FENDERS ON AND O M G SO GLAD BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE SUCKED TO RIDE IN THE RAIN W/O A BAG BALMED BUTT!

Also, it was south of 60 and i was the only one with knees covered, and also probably the only one north of 200# (goldberg is looking trim as FUCK...  he's mastered the adjustment to the new position).  And sarah's legs, coated in water were something to behold. An artistic appreciation, no more, don't worry, Just kind of an amazing concotion of perseverance, castelli awesome (bibs) and natural perfection. That said, both Sarah and Goldberg spent the day kicking my ass on the bike.

ONE DAY... maybe (doubtful) I want to be the strong one. Single speed riding means a limit on the slow end and the high end.

What that meant for strava is a handful of PRs on the route! SHOCKING. Couldn't pedal any slower so i had to go faster.

It is pretty flat between here and Paul's brewery. But not perfectly flat. Single speed was fun. Ish.

Also, 60 miles of cold mist/rain... I was fine, goldberg and sarah were shivering ice cubes...  There's some benefit to having a combined bike and rider weight at 250#.

Fortunately as soon as we left, the sun came out, literally, and dried up all the rain and we rode back and got to the point where Ice Cream sounded like a good idea and we stopped to get some at the Ice Cream Barn. And it was good.

But i was still cracked. LIke holy shit could I get more cracked.

Got home 116 miles later... contemplated the extra distance for a true 200k, but: fuck that. Got home, cracked  a beer, laid down for a minute, then tried to get up, and leg cramped, every fucking muscle from the adductor to the abductor to hamstring to quad. When those four fucking things cramp at the same time? NOTHING YOU CAN DO. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. it was painful. probably less than giving birth but closer (i'm guessing) than most men will ever experience.  Took me minutes of controlled breathing and insanely cerebrally contemplative movment to get downstairs... open the grillo's pickle container and take a handful of swallows.

30-60 seconds later...  NO MORE CRAMPING>>>>>

but residual pain reminded me of ordeal.

Riding in to work today felt fine.

Srsly. No big deal.

Tonight riding home I was tired, but was that because I was going flat out since I woke up today or from yesterday?

who knows.

Both?

NECX HOTM is done...  it is insane... Harder than imaginable srsly. Sure, riding 100 miles in one day once a month for 12 months isn't a big deal. Now toss in two jobs, family and trying to race CX...  you tell me...

Insane.

But.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

i managed to pull it off...

for no gain, but for the challenge...

a challenge i had no idea how tough it would be. Yes, I may have seeded the idea of the once a month Hundo (aka ride to Boston and home)... but credit Uri and crew for making it a thing.

One beer too many... nah this was the perfect point to stop.

life's a balance and I hit it tonight, yesterday was fucking crazy...  somehow not enough to knock me out, which shocked the hell out of me.

Now on to the next thing, building bikes all day tomorrow then riding Syl's route with whom ever shows up... not sure anyone will but looking forward to riding with those who do.

I'm done... brain... fried... B-travel maybe coming up...  insane to think about, exhausting to think about, and just when I thought the next week would relax... it is as fucked as this week was, man i wish ...  nah won't say it..

be the good in the lives you touch,
be like steve
support compassion and empathy
give a shit unlike ... words deleted (no not referring to toupe fiasco, but to a cycling coach who's given virtual head to toupe fiasco from the get go)

probably too transparent to those who get it, and absolutely confusing to those who don't....  oh well...

I R TIRED

g'night

heddwch
G

Last one? STOKED

honestly super stoked ... this is the final one...  well not the final one, just the final punch in the 12 month card.

Just that is pretty amazing. Am I ready for it?

Not a fucking chance.  I'm stupid tired right now. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through. Other than I kind of never expect to get through anything and I still do.

So why would this be any different?

Well single speed isn't the best bike for a Hundo for one. 100-120 miles on a 30+ pound fendered commuter tire steel tank? Sounds pretty dumb.

Or it sounds kind of fucking awesome. So stupid that it is so perfect as the capstone ride.

100 miles. To the same destination as the first one in May that started it all.

Also thinking, 100 miles on the black blue, 100 miles on the Klein, 100 miles on the white blue...  now thinking damn i'm not sure i've done 100 miles on the paramount yet... hmmm...  well i definitely haven't ridden 100 miles on the single speed...  i have done 12 and 24 hr races on the Adroit and Mantra (those count in my book as equivalent to hundos)...

Brakes are fixed on the SSCX, finally. I was going to maybe put the road tires on, but i'm gonna add lazy but more flat resistant and leave the 980 gram tires on there. because they are on there and I only have one set of wheels. but man are those rotors fucking perfect not a micron of wobble...

this week... man what a week so far. today again, like every day this week piling on top of the biggest weekend of building bikes and a massive low point on Friday night....  rest? recovery? I've been trying to take it easy on the commute, not sure i could have pushed myself tonight if i wanted to. tired.

Still greatly worried about sunday turnout, but honestly have come to peace with it. Those who show will show and we'll have a fucking blast.

We'll build for next year. And those brave enough will reap some killer rewards. The ride is pretty fucking awesome.... btw...

I still have to put bottle cages on and find a 15mm wrench that fits in the seat pack, or stuff one in my jersey pocket (bolt on rear, yo). but i'm not even dropping the bars. bottle cages though...  probably shouldn't overlook that. frame pump is attached. Gonna leave fenders on and well...

We're going to stop at the ice cream barn on the way home because... ice cream and that was Sarah's stipulation. i think Goldberg will be amenable to it, it also means maybe i can drop into the house with a few -fewer miles maybe.

and then i've got the craziest Friday and then following up with building bikes all day saturday and then I'll be up at The Shop at 7:30 ish on sunday for the #RRRR

and next week? oh first part isn't so bad, other than i'm booked all week and somehow have to get to the printer for a class art installations. whoops, guess things will slow down a bit more after the 8th, but not before....  not so bad, not too far away. I can make it.

Tired. Just about ready to climb into bed. dishes can wait until tomorrow, right?

Have a mind to put the seatpost mounted rack on the SSCX and strap my stainless growler thing i got for christmas and bring beer back home. but 50-60 miles of bumpy roads probably isn't the best for the beer.  Will save it for when i can drive out and give Paul the prints. Maybe i'll do that in may. in the car.

oh...  go read Tilford's blog right now, the eulogy posted is amazing.

good space but really kind of conflicted in many ways but nothing confounding at the moment... patience, doing good, working with what I can, helping those i can. My students this semester are fucking amazing, inspirationally, really feeling grateful for the chance to work with them and help them expand their excitement and creativity...

time to turn off the music (dipped into the Pogues station on Pandora, bit departure from the normal lately - i think it is possible to OD on suicidal tendencies)

music, art, oh also - wanting to play, esp after watching Chris Thile all day on sunday...  maybe i missed that window to be pro stage performer...

but i'm doing art stuff, teaching, helping, building and stuff...

it doesn't suck even when i get in a funk...  so i keep putting one foot in front of the other...


heddwch,
g

RRRR waking me up

A really surreal dream woke me up this morning at 4am.

And then that set the wheels going in my head. The planned final recon of the north section was gonna happen today but it is pouring rain, and while everything drains really well where we're going to be riding, it still won't be a ton of fun to slog it out, and I've got enough other shit to do that getting that time for something else would be good.

Of course I'm wondering if anyone will actually show up for the ride. Going to have a rolling start window though I think. 8-9. I'll be there earlier than that (not sure how i'm going to get up but i expect I'll probably not sleep well in anticipation) but having that window means if someone's slower they can leave early and someone who has to drive a bit further can leave arrive a bit later.

Debating the whole making a FB page, maybe not, dunno...  The route is pretty much confirmed.

It will be a bit long but will be good, like really good good. Like it will be fucking awesome.

I'm excited to ride it all at once, and hopefully to raise a few bucks for GRRI, but if we don't? it will build for next year and we'll make it more official, maybe even a bike reg page and shit....

There's so much going on right now.

So much more than even last year and more than I can comprehend that I'm somehow managing. Feels somewhat out-of-body surreal. High end equipment demo, dealing with trying to get the old system fix, trying to work towards deciding which system to buy with the grant we were awarded, deal with the end of the class and the presentations, dealing with the install of their artwork at the Granoff for their own show. That's on top of all the normal support and training that are going on and everything else involved with this. Oh shit - right - brb, gotta start cycling the new Ion Getter Pump on the TEM. It is taking a while to get it up and running. Plug it in, but it is still out-gassing and while it is doing that it gets really hot. If I don't watch it it can melt, and molten metal isn't good for the scope worse for the pump.

Oops, i forgot to unplug it last night. fortunately, while super hot, not melty or off yet. Gonna let it cool down though. Damnit.

Oh and i realized I've got a hair study to catch up on with some SEM images. And a stack of emails needing responses.

But Carl just added me to that group thing on FB so I posted the #RRRR stuff there just now and wrote this:

Remember #RRRR (RI Red Rooster Ronde) is happening on Sunday

Departure time between 8-9am on April 30th.

CX adventure with many of our favorite single track trails and paths and it'll be damn scenic to boot!

Here's the route:https://ridewithgps.com/routes/20493778
if you wanna ride, come on down, it is informal this year (trial year) but we ask that you bring a cash donation for Girls Rock! Rhode Island (party/beverages at The Point tavern at the end, and it starts a block from PVD donuts (opens at 8am on sunday) and will start outside The Shop coffee - (they open at 7:30)

So do you wanna join? Of course you do. See you there. If you're local, have a working CX bike and wanna ride some cool ass shit!

Why'm I writing now when so busy? Because brain needs to get it out first and second, I'm waiting for people to get here to help them on a scope and i don't have time to start the rest of the stuff and this takes only a few minutes to fire off and write.

I do kind of wish I had those two extra hours of sleep back instead of brain rolling ideas around. But one thing that worried me was what time The Shop opened (7:30) and PVD Donuts (8 am).

Now I just need to get the Single speed set up for a Hundo on thursday. And build a couple more bikes, and still get dinner made and the dishes done.

And yeah - kind of hit a bit of a scary low on Friday, but funny things happen eh? unexpected email from a friend brightened things up and when I woke up I felt great. Been noticing that, I usually start the day really positive and ready to go... it just seems that some days end not the same as they start but ground hog like each day starts with full potential and on a high note. Some days it is easier to carry that note through the whole day... some days not so much.

heddwch
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what to do with Kale?

I searched here, found a good half-dozen+ favorites around this house that i've shared and written up here that use Kale.

Oddly the one dish I cook the most with it (outside of putting it in soups or making a raw salad with it) is super simple and i haven't written up it looks like. Unless my search was not complete.

I found one reference to 'hot salad' here. But it wasn't the current evolution of the recipe.

I make this with one bunch of the stuff, you can use more or less or all of it but the biggest key is to make sure you have oil salt and acid when cooking kale as a side dish that people won't avoid.

Granted, my wife won't touch it, or most anything green that isn't a normal salad. But my kids fight over it, literally.

unless i cook 3+ bunches of it there are no left overs.

And it actually is really good cold.

But it kind of is a litmus for health and palate. If you're all about sugar and can't do bitter (aka you don't drink black coffee, prefer ketchup over mustard...  it may be a tough transition into liking it. But then you can only blame your parents. Once you pass the palate development point it is intensely difficult to make the switch from sweet to savory/bitter. But if you look around the savory/bitter crew struggle much less with their weight and all (insulin motherfuckers).

Now the recipe.

Take your Kale, any of the three popular varieties work for this, mix em for fun, red, green, or the lacinato variety (the one usually used in minestrone soup).

Cut the stem out, then cut them up the leaves into 1" squares. I like squares. Some people want them finely diced, some want strips. You do what you think you'll like, next time try something different.

Once cut up, i wash in a salad spinner. And just let it drain. NO spinning (you want the water on them for the cooking).

Pile some extra virgin olive oil in the pan (do not ever use "vegetable"/canola oils or really any of the seed oils- if you made bacon using the saved rendering is a good idea also). Once it is warm put 2-5 crushed cloves of garlic depending on your preference. get em nice and cooked but not brown. Before the garlic turns brown or just as it does - dump the greens in the hot oil and mix well.

Then put in 2-3 tablespoons of organic shoyu (i really really like the San-J stuff) and the same amount of a nice balsamic vinegar.

The acid helps break down the toughness and gets rid of some of the most bitter flavor profiles (chemically actually - helps break down the sulfur compounds... aka think brussels sprouts). More or less any time you're cooking cruciferous veggies you need an acid. Balsamic has a nice umami and flavor profile to go with it.

Cook it all down, on high, stirring until the Kale is cooked and the 'juice' has reduced.

Can't really overcook it.

Serve as a side.

Done.

I don't usually add any thing else to it but you could. Sometimes I'll use a Lemon if I'm using the lemon in something else for the dinner just to brighten the flavor, but then I'll cut back on the amount of vinegar.

This is actually the same recipe i use for collards, kale, or swiss chard. They are all distinctly different but the dish works equally well with all of them. Kale takes the longest to cook, and swiss chard the fastest.

there ya go.

Back to cooking stir-fry for tonight. Dinner isn't ready yet, nope. Not close.

heddwch
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RRRR (recon edition)

April 30th is still happening.

We're dialing in the route, it will be long but there is plenty of opportunity to cut it off early if you're going slow or stopping at too many donut{doughnut}/coffee shops.

GPX file is close to being ready, we did recon tonight and it was fun. (see strava)

This is informal but still a fundraiser for Girls Rock RI. Bring a cash donation, or bring friends and get them to donate.

It will happen, I know you have lots of options and choices and places to ride but I know you'll like this one. 

Sorry for the extra promo... But hey, bikes are bikes eh?

Also if you're curious about who is going to benefit: http://girlsrockri.org/

If you can't make it - send me someone who can, or if you can, bring friends (with cash - 100% of proceeds go to GRRI). Next year will be bigger/better and don't worry, we've got plenty of trails left untouched by this route.

Also - this is all inspired by what Scott R has done with the RdR, i'll never be able to match his success as he sets a very high bar, but I'm willing to fail just to try to match up and show respect to what he's achieved.

heddwch
G

PS the reach is narrow, so if you think someone you know would like to join/donate/participate you have my email... please share.

stupid bearings

the rear wheel of the 1x1 (SSCX) has been needing new bearings for a while.

First time I looked for them I couldn't find them in the big bearing internet stores and stuff...  7901 didn't seem to come up with many hits in any of the places that sells them for ~$2...  Well found some source that seemed to say that "No those are 6200 RS" boom they have them, ordered some...

took my wheel apart, destroyed the bearings in the process (aka races and bearings an seals all fucked up getting removed) only to find..... these 6200s don't even come close to being the right size. Fuck.

Now what?

What does GeWilli do?

Repack/rebuild the destroyed bearings.

And put it all back together and say fuck it and now see if i can find the proper ones.
 I rarely make one of these mistakes ordering stuff because I overthink the hell out of it all but I guess, this one slipped through and well..  shit...

Those new Surly axles look kind of nice anyway, might as well just order them. The locknuts on mine are looking a bit rusty anyway....  Unless I can find some 7901 somewhere... mmm  7901? is that the number? (checked one of the seals that I didn't put back in... yup).

Oh well. Got some time in the sun, drank a few beers at the farm with a big brunch/lunch/meal...  talked... relaxed...  back home in time to do laundry and get ready for tomorrow.

Everyone keeps asking what I'm making for dinner...  "I dunno" is all i can think to reply.

I need a weekend to recover from last week and today.

Not sure I can really count last sunday as a day off since we spent 55 miles riding around boston and shit.

but that's the last day since today that I haven't worked all day, and today I woke up early to start cooking and everything socializing and making stuff happen over there kicked my ass, and right now...

holy
fucking
shit


i'm tired...

really tired

like man, i could use some sleep, or a week off...

Also heard from the Granhof center, my exhibit proposal was rejected...  kind of a bummer (understatement) but very much looking forward to the Wheeler show in 2019 and now need to work on just creating and getting the art out there and engaging as I can.

Soon class will be over and I can take a break...

maybe...

still have to get the RRRR set up and get the April hundo done....

bikes

I did not ride mine today but I put a handful of them together.

But so far i've been able to restrain myself from replying to this thread on twitter:

https://twitter.com/nicolacranmer/status/851883880697126913

no i don't follow Dieter, but man...  asking a UCI pro team to pay $5k to enter a race...  i mean sure the purse is pretty good and the exposure is all there but, yes I know i know cash flow and all USA market blah blah blah, but $5k for a team to race at the UCI level? Euro models don't translate well here, until they do I'm still not a fan of modeling the Pro race on the amateur (master cash cow) races.

Just doesn't make sense, unless you've never really watched and paid attention to what the Pro teams have to do to survive here in the US.

Cycling doesn't even rank on the novelty side of the cash flow here.

I'm not going to jump in there, never any good but I'm, obviously, supporting Nichola's side of things.

Long day here. Longer days the next couple days.

not sure how everything is going to get done, or how it will get done, or really... not sure of anything.

But hey, i can only do what i can do and i'm doing as much as I can...

at least the bearings came in for the SSCX rear hub, time to get that fixed and make my rear brakes better.

now time to stop eating and put the leftovers away and then clean up enough, or at least a little bit then sleep and start it all over again...

heddwch
G

eating salad until i pass out

We eat big salads here, so when one person just goes to bed before dinner, well...  I get to eat salad until it is gone.

Why?

Lemme ask you, how well does romaine lettuce do with dressing on it for more than an hour or two? Even in the fridge it turns to mushy grossness that even the garbage disposal (me) has trouble eating.

So I'll eat salad till I pass out tonight.

IOW fall asleep.

one bowl of salad finished, this story read:
http://www.standard.co.uk/lifestyle/london-life/the-kindness-of-a-stranger-in-london-at-passover-a3512526.html

tears almost, this is humanity, this is compassion, whatever the religion, whatever the culture, it is moving...

a stark contrast to the fuckwad Conn College wanna be frat boy (no frats at that school) sailor who's now the mouthpiece of alt-facts suggesting that Assad was worse than Hitler because hitler never used chemical weapons on his own people...  wow... dude...  Pepsi, United, dude, you take the cake and still consistently flaunt the fact that you're obviously breaking a binding contract you signed (CC honor code - look it up) although I'm sure i've linked it and you've probably read it already.

On the smackdown after turning past the wheeler school farm i heard PEEPERS, frogs be getting it on YO!

Aka it is spring. finally.

Bare legs, finally. First time since whenever (Nov?)

Ride started with a decent turnout, we rolled on, picked up two at the Red Bridge, Woodward was fine until Leland started halfwheeling me, i was chatting with him and he kept upping the pace a bit, until I decided to say fuck it and let him go, then got chided from Burke for not chatting with him longer, dude, um yeah I tried.

groupo compacto aka YO YO down prospect, and Broad, and pine? well..  we crested w/in sight, they didn't seem inclined to wait I let Mary and Syl roll off, waited for the little Brown U rider and a bit further back Kurt F. I waited, why? I didn't want someone who showed up to ride alone.

He tried to wave me on, telling me he's got nothing. Yeah fuck that - "Sit on my wheel, you ain't riding alone today." we gathered the brown u kid, and Syl and Mary had made contact with the big group he elected to turn around and ride with me and Krut and the Brown rider (name I'm not sure of but is on strava). Yes I could have stayed with Mary and easily bridged up to the middle/main/lead group, whatever it was but I felt compelled to make sure those that made it to the top of pine not be left to ride alone. We still killed it, or I killed myself... but...  group means not alone....

I found the heart rate strap, and going up pine I wanted to see how high I could get my heart rate, not that high, again on Rocky Hill, i hit some high cadence after exhausting work and pushed the aerobic level to see what it would do.

so yeah - i got a couple good italian tune ups on my vascular system, needs some more work indeed, been missing that, relying too much on the low torque diesel, need to get that high volume turbo running again.

It was good tonight.

Even got a sunset to compensate for the absolutely stupid headwind on the ride home.

I was def feeling the sunday and riding yesterday but not too badly and i had a few good efforts in me, happy with the progress, and happy with the choices I made tonight.

Ride with compassion... works for me.

Okay, i've been up for way too long and writing this has been really the only time I've sat down today.

Granted I started writing this before 9pm...  it is now 10:30pm... shit i was going to call my dad back (he actually called and left a VM) but i haven't had time to sit down and call, and now i'm too tired to listen well, arguably probably am not writing well either....

shitty ride report but hey, at least i'm sort of almost taking all this shit piling up in stride...

keep riding, be compassionate, give a shit about others....

heddwch
G

(BTW - no more salad left, my endlessly expanding belly is now full of it)

Words and pedaling

Got some twitter time while cooking and eating dinner.

Now i write or pack it up and sleep.

Smackdown tomorrow. thinking sleep.

More pressure applied today, we'll see how I respond and react. But at least i'm totally fine after yesterday's ride. Although the lower back on the right side and by right butt cheek is bruised, but hey...

we'll see how tomorrow goes, but i ain't cleaning the bike, who's got time for that?

Yesterday was a great day, could have been better, but not easily. Riding with Jenn was icing, I'm afraid to admit fully how much her infectious attitude recharges me and is just so infectious, i'm jealous of whatever that spark she has that she makes that radiates. But also so gracious and feeling thankful to be in that radiation proximity.

The PVD VC dudes again so awesome, couple knuckleheads decided to miss a turn and not catch us, so we lost two at the halfway but it was good, they were safe and sound at the Tavern when we got back.

Honestly i'm feeling fresher after an RdR than ever. It was physically way easier than riding a 100 solo even given that they took about the same amount of time.

more later...  i hope...

full report coming...

April 30 though, put it on the calendar will be a good ride.

now i'm gonna try and get some f'n sleep...

heddwch
g

magic can happen

When it turns it turns. Don't worry, i didn't win the lottery (I hear you have to actually buy a ticket to do that) or an iPod. But stuff is good.

Tonight was awesome.

Not stress free but successful and really good.

Picked up Farmer Willies for my step father (the Resin loving double IPA all day guy) and he loved em.

Picked up food for dinner, totally grand slam, simple but nailed the flavors and combinations (due in huge part to suggestions and what not from my youngest).

Wrapping up a shit wrapped day dealing with an insanely expensive repair of scope we would normally have under service contract but the vendor decided they couldn't do that anymore and well no more contract, time and materials only, parts if available.  Talk about pushing you into new tech, eh?  I mean I'd love new tech but we don't have $250-750k laying around (basic up to replacement level).

So biggest stress about this scope going down is that it is part of the class... 8/12 have been trained on it and are primed to use it, no idea when it will be back up again and they have a lab report to do.

SHOP TALK ZZZZZZ

rattling in brain.

Also - realized the other day, i haven't been asking the 'experts' as many questions lately (these last couple years), but i can't go a day without a tough question or 10...  it is kind of boastful to mention it but kind of is a recognition that, shit, maybe i'm getting close to the top of the pile, and the ability to synthesize and process info and retain and then explain in a dozen different ways until someone gets it is somewhat fucking fluid.

But then shit I've been doing this shit for a while, kind of expect it? No?

anyway... sorting this out, trying to weasel time on the insanely popular and in demand LSM 800...  i realized... HFS we've got a kick as confocal stuck on top of our MPE (2 photon). Not used so much at the moment (I just bought a $500 piece of glass, 32mm in diameter that hopefully will change it). And boom, we're a week behind, but I think we can make it work. The students are amazing, and it will be a good test/stretch for me too.  because i am not challenged enough with problems. Esp this week. So boring. The boringest of all weeks.

Also, because I picked up food on the way home, there was no room in the backpack for the flask of plenty. I may make an attempt to pick it up tomorrow and try and bring it to the RdR. We'll see. Up in the air. Honestly may be best not to ride around with a handle of booze in a flask, or it could literally be the best thing.

On the fence about the jumpsuit too.

We've got tomorrow to decide.

An early day, oldest kid is doing ACTs, i'm building bikes, shuttling to art show, looking at other ranges and prices and maybe ordering the one I saw yesterday.  I could cook tonight but no oven and the stove top lighting with matches was fine until I turned a burner off and needed to turn it back on again very quickly after, DOH!

And Tonight was kind of musical. Somehow Magical Strings Galloping Gurdy song reminded E of a Heart song...  Well then I had to cue up...

https://youtu.be/2u-PjvRyr0I

(you can figure the links out yeah?)

Philip started talking about Clapton guitar influences... and the first line of the first song from Cream (Bitches Brew) ....

so i played two versions back to back...  starting with this one:
https://youtu.be/rj4J6i_vw0w

Harrison's kid...  solid but almost unremarkable, also that goddamn muppet Winwood eh?  Clapton is a fucking genius btw...

But I only played that one so i could make everyone listen to the same song again:
https://youtu.be/6SFNW5F8K9Y

and WORTH IT...  yes, validation, Prince is beyond reproach and from a pro, who was inspired by Winwood and Clapton and Zepplin esp the opening riff of the first Zep album, to say that? validating.

Still kind of fucking sucks that he's dead. Fucking sucks when the best of the best die, but we all die. We just rarely know when.

But it was pretty fucking awesome to share some tunes with them, some amazing performances they've never seen, then to dance and play more music on the devices from random youtube videos that all linked from the thread...  okay fine...  I played Blind Faith's Can't find my way home. It is a pretty fucking awesome bit of music.

And yes, the time at the desk sorting problems and everything, I listened to Fugazi station again, nothing worked but fuck it. In the end I found a solution. It seems sometimes I always do, even if i fret and worry about not seeing it coming.

mostly I think i don't have a choice...  i have to find a solution to all the problems faced, we all do? right?

It will be what it will be and I'm gonna try and get some fucking sleep, next couple days are maybe going to be awesome but, good g'damn it ain't gonna be restful.

heddwch
G

Oh friday you clever bastard

I read much of the press and the response to Steve Tilford's tragic death on Wednesday.

Hit home, but very much like the end of the Online article by Flax...  I wondered. But wonder no more. https://www.outsideonline.com/2172381/steve-tilford-obituary

I won't post spoilers though.

Read the goddamn article.

Gorgeous ride in this morning. Benefited by a tailwind, and unexpectedly overdressed.

I managed to get here early enough to make shit happen on time earlier than usual, only then to have another scope go down. Problem is this is kind of absolutely critical for the course at the moment.

The alternatives aren't good and it isn't a broken shutter like wednesday's fiasco. It is the blackbox of master control and there's no user serviceability on it.

But If it is busted real good then, well, I guess it is just another challenge to overcome. No big deal.

RdR is coming up on Sunday, we're gearing up to have some fun.

Assuming we're not singing this song before then.


Also, no oven means no special cookies/ride fuel this year. Will have to find other sustenance, or just buy stuff at the stores like everyone else.

Speaking of food, i ate all my lunch by 11am. Probably because I realized now I really actually never ate dinner last night.  Or breakfast this morning. Oops.

Gonna be a hungry afternoon. Almost out of coffee too.

At least I've got the bearings ordered for the rear hub, that way I can finally replace the pads (bearings went south a bit fast - go figure all the rain and snow and salt this year)

Ooh i just found some altoids!

Well busted scopes = less time training and more time running diagnostics and calling and figuring shit out.

Too bad there's no work around for the class...

is it beer:30 yet?

heddwch
G

Oof

Few things make me more grateful to have a dry basement than hanging out at my brother's house in a monsoon. 3" of water there, bone fucking dry here. Riverside motherfucker. Sand drains well.

I still don't have a working stove, but have line on one for next week.

I still have nearly 70 bikes to build.

Scopes are still massively over demanded.

SSCX is fucking falling apart, and gotta prep for the RdR on Sunday.

Good day but the worst day and still better than my brother's day.

Interruption to have long talk with oldest kid...

Now time to I dunno, wound up after deep intense intellectual conversations, how to wind down?

Srsly, how does one wind down from that?

Also tomorrow's a fucking cluster, and I still have no stove, and more bikes too build than I had in two months at the other shop.

but hey not so terrible really, some are good problems to have, some not so much...

Heddwch
G

Smackdown #3

Well, Smackdown #3 happened.

Weather is turning out to be like it was the year we had west side and east side. West side (original MLFN route) was going off on Tuesday, east side (Derdowski route) going on wednesday. Two options, different feels, but that one year it rained most tuesdays but was clear most wednesdays.

So far this year we're 1/3 on Tuesday, moved last week and this week to wednesday.

Last week we moved it and only a handful showed up and I was post Hundo and on the SSCX with the commuter tires. AKA not possible to go fast.

Today ready to go, mostly. Legs felt good riding in. Felt springy even. Almost fresh? Who knows. was nice though. i liked it.

Headed over, unlike the last two weeks I wasn't leaving at the very last fucking minute and sprinting all the way there and just barely arriving in time. I was early. Headed across the bridge as a warm up, stopped to brush some of the glass off the path, and back to the start. David B, Syl, were early arrivals. Brian H, Burke, Mark F were there, a new kid Martin, Jason showed up, and then Dreamy Dave showed up fresh off of racing the Joe Martin UCI stage race. And then Leland rolled in, and Dani, and Lizzie W, i'm thinking this is gonna be good or this is gonna suck, and then Big Tom Barnett. He graduated from Prov College, is now racing for ERRACE, and ALSO was part of the Joe Martin Stage race team.

AWESOME we've got two guys who just finished a UCI stage race here hanging out at smackdown, we've got leland who's thin and fast, and all the rest?

It was a solid neutral rollout. The stoplight at the bridge across the reservoir on 152 is a distinctive end to the neutral group ride. From that point David and Tom nuked it. I managed to hang on the wheels with Leland, then they hit woodward and we went from 26 or whatever to 29 mph and change and I looked back and there was a monster gap behind me, I was pegged and on the red and while probably could have stayed there a few hundred meters longer it would have been stupid and ride killing, so I dialed it back and sat up and waited.

Problem #1, mix of super strong kids w/o group ride etiquette and a huge disparity in fitness/speed. Burke managed to hang on with Fuller to Dani's wheel as she chased Dream Dave, Tom and Leland, Hicks managed to bridge up to those guys on Woodward but when i pulled off that was about it from what we saw. Those four were GONE. BOOM. damn.

Dani Fuller and Burke were always in sight, the rest of us, uneven dynamic of mixed fitness and skill and age and experience tried to bridge back up. Syl and David B got a bit of a gap, but Jason and I pulled it back and then made the attempt to close on groupetto Dani, but yeah they were gone. We could see them as we hit Pine a few times, way up ahead. But then it was us.  Lizzie was crushing it, Syl and I were matching her pretty well, crested together, David B was just behind and Jason and Martin a bit further back. "Regroup on Homestead" means different things to different people I suppose, no fault no harm but I guess maybe groupetto dani might have latched on to the big guns? Lizzie had her headphones in and a single minded purpose driven by riding alone much of the time. We turned on to Homestead, Syl, me and Lizzie I pulled off and said "Lets Regroup" and I sat up, David B caught up and I kept looking behind for Jason and Martin.

They never showed up. I kept waiting, and at the one spot when you can see a half mile behind and I saw no cyclists, well shit, maybe I shouldn't have waited, (they missed the turn and kept going straight on Pine). At that point David B was WAY up there and Syl and Lizzie were out of sight. Fuck. Headdown and hammered. Just about caught David B at Rocky hill, would have caught him if he had turned but for some odd reason despite me yelling at the top of my lungs at him, he kept going straight. Fuck

I turned the corner in time to see Lizzie and Syl make the turn at the top there, and dug down for a chase. Didn't catch sight of them again until I was pegged and at the one straight stretch up hill, but closing? No. Still I dug down and chased, maybe they'll wait on River and stuff for me.

Nope. I made the turn onto Hillside and mentally just said fuck it. Maybe David B or jason will catch up. Nope. Never to be seen.

Poked my slow ass up the hill, turned on to Pine Syl was there at the top, he'd turned around and had started riding back to me. I guess Lizzie dropped him on Rocky Hill and never looked back and he never saw her until she was just at the top of Hillside as he was at the bottom. But that was it. We rode back together, talkative tempo, not an easy pace but one we could still jabber on about whatever it was.

It really was a pretty good ride. Gonna have to work on laying some more of those dreaded rules to keep the ride together, I'm gonna have to get fast enough to help regulate the ride and keep if fun for everyone...  but all in all? It was pretty goddamn spectacular. Sure it was a massive clusterfuck, but you know what? We had a decent turnout for PVD, and my legs are killing me right now.

Syl and I headed back, nearly took each other out. There by the tunnel at India Point Park? His car was to the left, my route to the office was to the right, both of us went to go in the other direction, he was on the left, I was on the right and BLAMMO we bounced off each other and the MTBr and the CXr didn't eat shit. I made it back to the office to collect my stuff and blasted home.

Weather is looking much better for Tuesday next week. Maybe you want to come down to PVD and test your skills against these fast knuckle heads on a fun challenging short course.

You know where to find me.

Mental state is better tonight, still stressed about how to fit everything in, but calm and accepting that I can only do so much and I will do as much as I can and will get to everything when I get to it as well as I can...

we'll see if the legs let me sleep or keep me awake tonight.

heddwch
G

What a day...

The good the bad the ugly...It started off great, woke up feeling good, oddly, didn't go to sleep feeling that way. But hey, that's not so bad.

Changed the flat on the black blue that I got from a shell on the path at the end of the hundo.

Got ready to leave and the stove started turning itself on. Aka the oven wanted to Pre-Heat to 350. Except it couldn't decide. Also I couldn't tell it to stop. But then it did the whole F1 and beeping constantly thing. It stopped. Almost got ready to leave and it started all over again.

So I  pulled it out and unplugged the motherfucker. No juice? No fucking oven and no fucking freaked out flaked out over baked circuit boards. I mean who puts a circuit board and the vent for an oven in the same spot, making 500+ degree pizza for years plus all the rest of the oven use, also having one of the high output burners up against the panel and cooking lots of pasta and stuff with it, yeah, not good either. It was new in '99 and the circuit board is a known and well documented weakness, and they don't make them anymore, and the ones that exist are going for $600+ stove was $1000 new.  Fucking electronics. Down side, i really like the convection fan thing in the oven. Also, bigger downside? I AIN'T GOT TIME TO SHOP FOR A NEW STOVE. Also, I USE THAT MOTHERFUCKER PRETTY MUCH EVERY GODDAMN DAY. But so much of the crap on the market is shit. And Vikings and Wolfs? Well I ain't got $10k to drop on a stove, not even $5k for the cheap model from those guys. But most of the stuff in the big box stores is pretty shitty at every price point. So I'm over thinking everything...


AND I HAVEN'T EVEN LEFT THE HOUSE!


Next stop was the lab down at the remote facility. Got a call yesterday from a user "Something's not good, the keyboard wasn't working and then I noticed it was full of water and I looked up and the ceiling tiles are bad."

Super double fuck goddamnit. Things are crazy enough and planned to the minute when stuff is working right, busted rando shit just spins everything in endless loops of frustration. Nothing to do though, we've got extra keyboards down there, scope was undamaged, leak still there though, and it didn't toast the $2k monitor this time.

Head up to main facility race around make coffee, change prep for what was an awesome tour for a local science middle school class, kids super enthused and engaged and all that.

Sit down at the desk, i've got 45 min to get training docs printed and sorted out and food eaten and ready to go and all the rest of the shit that needs to happen and, I've got this, full of energy, positive, good day even balanced against the stove and implications and then I read about Tillford. Fuuuuuuuuck. Y'all know what he's been through lately, who he is...  that destroyed me.

Blinking back tears 'knock knock' on my office door, "Um the microscope isnt working with these two channels"

Turns out the shutter was dead, took me a while to find the proper legacy software (not on the new computer) to check the system, hey, it says manual shutter, this is motorized and there's no way to make it work manually....  double fuck.

three hours later and two hours of supposedly helping someone with secondary training, also supposedly when I was eating lunch, also thinking I got it, put it back together only to have it not work. Again. means taking it all back apart.

BTW working on microscopes is fucking tedious and stressful. Not only are the parts stupid expensive, they're crammed in tight and it takes ridiculous levels of coordination to make it all go back together just right. German. Go figure.

Got it done, only to have the heaviest used scope flake just as I was getting changed for smackdown.

Deal with that.

Make it to smackdown. Kessler shows up, Leland, and then Big Tom (Prov College fucking monster) and a good handful too.

Shit it really deserves a separate post. I'll write that up next, bottom line? From where I was? It was a clusterfuck. BUT it felt really good to be riding the bike. Even if i was slow.

Now i'm home, missed the honor society induction thing for the oldest because i'm the organizer of the ride and it rained yesterday so we moved it and then the stove is off-line so I didn't get home at 7:30 and start cooking dinner because it was broken and well....  the rest of that story is best left untold.

Tilly's dead, scope's fixed, stove's dead, riding fixes many things...

what a freaking day

heddwch,
g

swinging for the fence

but missing so dramatically...

perspective though...

most of the time i go down swinging....

rarely and occasionally i make perfect contact and BOOM....  exhilaration.

Sometimes i get that and then some weird shit happens and some bullshit 'ruling' calls it back...  that moment gone.

Ride home tonight was awesome, perfect antithesis to yesterday. Yesterday it was warm, clear and dry and EVERYONE was out on the path, so many, holy shit is that fucking knucklehead going to stop riding right towards me? Maybe, but holy shit they look so self absorbed and self important that they are willing to be some asshole and decide they are the most important at this moment.

Because you know, people have to fight for themselves first right?

Something I'm not sure i've figured out.

But then dwell too much on it, i hate the contradictions that I am, need to find more grays fewer black and whites...

But man was the ride home sweet, and the ride in perfect. One of the Brown fast dudes pulled the "GET OFF MY LAWN" comments to my 'gram post. Fuck it...  if you were on it more days than you weren't you'd get it. But few are.

why i gotta be such a f'n anomaly? Why can't i be normal and well adjusted and shit?

Can't complain about work because well they pay me money and stuff to do what I do best, problem is, shit's been way outrageously insane lately.  Beyond normal. But hey, that's okay GeWilli has demonstrated he can deal with everything we can throw at him....   lets through some more...

picture factory is insane lately, bike shop has different pressures this year, working on balancing them all...

doing shitty job i think, but my standards are not normal either...

Smackdown tomorrow. Haven't changed the flat tire yet. Maybe I'll do that in the morning, dinner is almost done, may bail on doing much more than eating and unwinding from here on out.

i mean i should do more dishes (no one else is gonna do them), I should fix the bike and the flat, but man...  I'd love to just relax...

#shrug

maybe tomorrow...  hahahah

okay,
before i say anything even more incriminating than I have already I'm gonna say:

heddwch
G

Turning point?

Not in the good direction.

Balancing act.

Hate to admit it but lecture was a struggle yesterday. I think i got the important information out and communicated the critical bits of stuff and we had a great dialog and lots of good questions but I'm still bugged by the fact that it wasn't up to where i wanted it to be.

No plan yet for next monday's lecture, usually a guest lecture but everyone loathed it and could barely stay awake last year, need a new approach, not sure what that means without a shit ton of work.

Also kind of feel like i'm in the trash compactor in star wars...  kind of hoping there's a little droid somewhere working to shut it off before I'm squished but it feels sometimes a bit dystopian...

News is bad, listening to Frank Turner, Against Me! isn't help the same way that Fugazi is although there is a ton of cross over on the pandora channel.

Have an errand to do on the way home then have to make dinner and then have to get through everything else to do.

oh well...

life is life, we keep moving through, making it happen, doing what we have to do for everyone.

I'm pretty stoked about RdR, need to work on RRRR a bit more, logistics for sunday haven't happened yet and smackdown has been pushed to wed again this week. Shit, I gotta get that tire changed tonight. Still flat from last tuesday. As is the beer truck. Still flat.

oh well at least it isn't raining....

oh, wait.

But I will say, riding with those fancy fenders makes such a difference.  No that Portland guys don't make em to fit my bike but fortunately Planet Bike does....  Such a difference.

Time to go play in the puddles.

one pedal stroke at a time.

heddwch
G

Love & Ire Song

Sunday sunday sunday

get anything done?

dogs are now up to date on their shots, and shopping is done, and that's it..

slept like shit for the last three/four nights... woke up after pizza dinner last night to a very irritated eye, been struggling with that all day on top of everything else.

days off are good, today was almost a day off.... almost...

but then if you're not working 7 days a week then you're falling behind.

Bike race analogy, if you feel like you're holding your own you're really going backwards. you need to constantly be aware of position and actively working/moving forward. If not? Why bother racing?

Yes, I want to get faster .... or get back some of the speed I had when someone gave me some in '13.  I know that riding 50-70 miles/day is not the way to do it and yeah, maybe two big long all day rides planned this year, one of them will be on my birthday, maybe Goldberg can come out of retirement for it....  Kind of want do do the double C but that's pretty dumb and super counter productive.

may need to bribe negacoach into giving me advice i could probably give myself if i wasn't such a fucking moron.

one more hundo...

also, still haven't changed the flats on the beer truck or the black blue, and the rear brake on the SSCX is totally fucked at the moment.  I should have worked on the bikes today while it was nice out, but i went food shopping and cooked dinner instead.

hopefully i can make it to work tomorrow on the SSCX...  probably should start thinking about the lecture, that or just go to sleep... instead of listening to the Against Me! radio.... aka lots of Frank Turner in rotation...

"Half way through the first day of the week..." (that'll be me tomorrow)


heddwch
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bikes and music

Building bikes and listening to music...

"Building" them is such an odd term, more assemble, Mikey Z and the gang at Firefly and factories in china and taiwan build bikes...  other factories or Mike and Firefly guys hang parts. I take shit out of shipping boxes, remove packing, grease every nub that needs grease, adjust the hubs to perfection, true the wheels, but sadly not to NEXT or November standards because like anyone can tell (also good luck with this shit) and make sure they stop and shift and are safe and strong and that they are ready to walk out the door without so much as a quick half turn of a barrel adjuster to take up cable stretch between when I touched it and when it was sold.

Listening to music kind of though is a part of it. I can't do it in silence, although as mentioned before I need to hear.

Yesterday I listened to a playlist from a friend. When that was finished I listened to the band my oldest is currently enamoured with Against Me! I listened to them on spotify, first the most popular songs then their albums, got through most of the more recent ones.

Today. I cured up a pandora station based on Against Me! Well shit if they didn't play one by them and then the next one was ship me off to boston by the DkMs. What? well turns out the more i listened to the mix, the better it got. weird eh? They only included the angsty fighting songs by the fake and real irish rock bands, and a pile of Frank Turner.

Maybe i've heard his stuff before but this one in particular blew me away and I had to stop and make note of it because, um, awesome.
https://youtu.be/YaLmmE2hVI4

not able to add embed script from mobile version of youtube i guess. and since i'm not on a computer at the moment well...  fuck it...  click the goddamn link and listen to it motherfucker. Seriously. Even if i'm only addressing VeloCB Solobreak and CF. That said all yall probably have heard it before.

And then there was this one, an hour or two later today:

https://youtu.be/B1NyWbhCxZE

You could really easily just swap out Thatcher for Ronald Reagan...

Bikes build. Beer acquired.

Tired GeWilli.

Rain has stopped, rabies clinic for the dogs tomorrow, shopping for new stove a bit tomorrow, maybe bikes but maybe not. So much to do but someone said, hey, that's the way it is, we move from one thing to the next, keep your balance and carry on.

Truth eh?

Also Fuck Thatcher and Ronnie...  and fuck the rest of the current crop of selfish fucking bastards.

Kicking the ladder down one they're on the top is right.

I had one idea, HOW ABOUT YOU HELP THE PEOPLE WHO ELECTED YOU INSTEAD OF FUCKING THEM IN THE PROCESS OF HELPING YOUR RICH ASSHOLE BUDDIES? oh wait.....  they wouldn't be republicans then.

Fuck politics.

Assholes.

back to listening to music, dishes and cleaning and the rest of the shit i have to do before passing out tonight and waking up in the morning and doing it all over again.

heddwch
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Wed smackdown?

So Syl suggested we move smackdown to Wed. And then didn't show.

No one else did either. Well the gorgeously gracious Giulia did, and Fuller...  and Goldberg dusted off his bike that he hasn't ridden since my December Hundo that he joined on.

I didn't change the flat tire on the bike after yesterday's hundo last night, and this morning? fuck that shit, didn't change it either. Still flat.

Rode the SSCX with the 980gram commuter tires and fenders and stuff. And I was tired and sore and ...  hung on valiantly and barely to Giulia's wheel on that bike wearing the backpack full of computers and clothes and stuff. We hit Prospect and I had to bow out and return home via the bike shop.

Was awesome to ride with Goldberg again, to recount the route a bit with everyone and just ride, riding is good, but man, if I'm gonna take the SSCX on the smackdown i need to change the tires, not do a hundo the day before and maybe even take the fenders off and definitely leave the backpack in the office. That was rough.

Legs are hosed.

Writing about it has at least tweaked my mood in a positive direction, that or it could be that i thought about stopping to get beer on the way home and didn't but have been grumpy until reflecting on today's ride.

I'm sure something will make me grumpier than I am no before I fall asleep. That's the nature of life, right?

I was in a weird headspace after the hundo, then got to work with a giant pile of what the fuck to deal with and still no resolution in sight and well...  here i am....


Fred hassling me about riding on the dirt....  my brain hassling me for everything i said last night, sigh...

But hey, i'm supposed to be able to deal with it all...  right? If you think so then well, I'll be nice and not say what I was gonna say just say, you're right, i wish i could do it all with a completely positive attitude. I'd probably be a Toupee Fiasco supporter if that was true...

y'all keep doing what is right, be strong, be compassionate, take care of people around you, because ultimately you don't matter, everyone else does.

heddwch
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Hundo DONE (one more to go)

Got it DONE!  My March hundo is in the books. One more to complete the 12 month challenge.

Rode to the Top of Blue Hill, and home. Rain held off until mile 88-90 or so, but by that time i was in Seekonk almost on 152 and basically home. But it was cold and wet enough to soak me and my feet.

Had that distinctive and dreaded rainy Hiss Hiss Hiss with each tire revolution. Got a flat on the bike path, basically almost home. Tire is totally flat now but was able to ride it the rest of the way.

I was motivated to try and get home before the rain, sort of worked, almost. One of my faster rides home from that point solo. Felt good pushing it but I'm definitely feeling the effort. Literally saw one person on a bike, Leland. Maybe his route avoided the rain shower after we parted. Mine didn't. But I saw him at mile 85...  85  miles of Riding in New England and I saw literally zero people on a bike. (I did see brent as he was leaving the blue hill after repeats headed to Trillium Brewery).

Bike good, clothing perfect, legs okay enough to survive. One more Hundo....  I might give it a year or two before trying the 200k/month for 12 months like Matt Roy or wait till i have not such a slow CXy bike and such slow wheels.  I know y'all realize it but CX bikes are awesome and all, but they are NOT the fastest, even under fast guys.

https://www.strava.com/activities/918551070

Only posted 3 photos to instagram. First was at Borderlands when I ate food and emptied bladder, second at top of blue hill, while eating food. third = hole making hissing sound once I got home.

pre-amble, there was talk about people joining, they didn't. With the weather... once i it 50 miles at the top of Blue Hill, well... as much as I wanted to ride into the city, dude, that would have added a couple hours and as much as I wanted to see the gang at Firefly, getting as close to home before the rain started was really the key motivator today. And looking at the strava post, I got some solid achievements on the way home, i was pushing it and sort of the legs responded.

Also. That route? Love it. So good. ZERO negative vehicle interactions. Hell not many at all. No other riders were out but still...  totally peaceful 100 miles. No i didn't make it to boston, and no, I didn't stop and interrupt Solobreak's nostalgia posting on Faceplace... I just rode.

I rode on two mini donuts (eaten just as I was leaving) and two 2 egg omelet pockets (one consumed at Borderlands, one at top of blue hill) and a grand total of ONE water bottle full of a quad espresso with a splash of water.

SRSLY. i rode 102 miles and only consumed 22oz of fluid. AKA coffee.

I did drink a bunch before I left and me not being tiny and shit meant that I have significant storage/reserves. SO ...

BUT STILL 102 MILES AND ONLY DRANK 22 OZ OF STRONG COFFEE THE WHOLE TIME.

I dunno, weather was really pretty goddamn perfect. high 30s and 40s, clothing just right. Overheating on the way up blue hill, fucking freezing to death on the way down, everything else until it started raining was fucking perfect.

A good day on the bike.

Good thinking time.

Thinking that a CX bike is slow, thinking that I miss my heavy as fuck but impenetrable Durano Plus tires (i have regular duranos on there) kind of wishing i had a fast light bike, maybe an aero helmet too...  and some not shitty heavy wheels.

But having all that shit doesn't make anyone happy, just makes them faster.

I'm pretty happy with my pedaling. I will admit to kind of wishing some day maybe I could turn out a sub 5 hr Hundo...  someday....  likely never but well...  dreams are what fuel motivation.

Sorry I've been so me lately.

working on catching up to the new me...  '

oh and we're doing smackdown tomorrow if you are in the area and wanna join, 4:30 India Point Park, by the EBBP tunnel.

Time to cook food. The youngest didn't respond well when i answered her question: "what are you making for dinner?" with "Nothing"

best actually make food.

Assuming i can stand up.

not sure.

been sitting here for a while. I had another beer (shower beer was so key tonight) while typing and stuff....  also disjointedness is due to cribbing the first part of the blog post from the FB post to the NECX HOTM club group.

okay

done

with

words

because if i don't start i'll unzip everything I thought of while pedaling today and no-one is ready for that. no one. Amazing what random shit pops in my head or not....  odd how stuff w/o prompting just suddenly triggers the inner voice "Good job GeWilli - fuckwad, way to end by re-cutting your achilles...." Shut up self and don't worry, it's grown back before.

Hey GeWilli, congrats on being so absolutely cryptic that only you and maybe one or two other people (who def don't read this shit) can decipher it....  Why thank you. I appreciate it.

Is it bad that I can really easily have a conversation with myself? Or does that speak to my black and white, yin/yang, split personality...  Did i tell you about the time when I kept the Grooveradio chat room entertained for a whole day talking to myself? two browser windows and seamless banter. That's probably something someone could leverage but hey, the schmuck typing is a dumbass, like he could.

done...

oh no wait I've got like ten thousand more words too add here...

fuck that...  even solobreak's asleep by now...

good point....

damn straight it is!

heddwch
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odd realization (somewhere in the jumble of text)

spent the day building bikes. Yeah, working 2nd job, because obviously i'm not smart enough or capable enough to find one job that pays me enough to support those who depend on me. But then I'm kind of doing a 3rd job that doesn't pay anything at all. Also trying to be the one who cooks and shops for everyone. But then of course i could probably go off and get another 1st job that pays enough, but then I'd lose the schedule flexibility, i'd lose the bike commute, I'd lose part of me that is me and I have to remind myself this all the time. One of the sales guys I work with in the industry said, you just trade one stress for another. Gone is the money stress, but welcome to the world of time stress, pressure, deadlines, global travel, driving and all that.

Perspective eh? Besides I really actually like doing all the shit i'm doing. Even if it seems like I'm struggling. maybe there's a subliminal message in there, obviously not everything is perfect....

How's that for front loaded paragraphs....  (i wrote most of this last night, didn't post, adding to it this morning - likely you'll find the negative from last night, positive/balance from this morning)

Building bikes was good, headed in to build the pile of sold bikes but they got moved upstairs so I was stuck with the funky Rs. not the sweet Ts. S'okay, Figuring them out, plenty to build.

Problem is zen state set in and I started thinking. Not about anything current but about the past. Odd how long it takes for things to fade, or not fade at all. And how randomly things pop up in my head. I had earbuds in, listening to the Fugazi Pandora, one of the sales people came down and asked where the music was, I pointed to my ears, they said the one thing they look forward to is coming downstairs and hearing good music when I'm in the building. So I unplugged and made the space fill with music. Transitioned over to the Disturbed radio after a bit, but before transitioning I realized how much I rely on sound when tuning and building a bike. I was constantly pulling one ear out to listen, but when the music is on in the background i can both listen and get everything perfect, from wheel truing to gears to whatever. Sounds are something I key in on.

Spent a good couple of  bikes thinking about it.  But sounds and music and focus didn't dull the thought or the emotional PTSD flashback. What made it resurface? I dunno, or I do maybe but won't mention it. Obviously something I saw in 30 seconds of twitter checking, thanks for the "you may have missed it" algorithm probably.

I'm learning way too much about neuro stuff. Imprinting, shit's simple, odd how stuff is kind of built on parallels and everything stacked upon stacks, layers on layers....

Pathways, imprinting, stuff is odd. Should I really understand that much? But then I don't understand enough, but just enough, recognition and understanding but not to the level of being able to explain it in any way possible, like I can with the microscopes and any potential problem or issue or inability to grasp what they need to do. I have learned to push and explain in whatever manner it takes, sometimes repeatedly with different analogies, knowing what kind may work with the person or if not knowing at least trying different tacks until I see the unconscious light of recognition on their face and in their eyes. But I can't do that with the brain stuff, only recognize what it is doing and work to minimize and hopefully someday it will go away. Perhaps, ah who can tell.

The incidents, strange and unpredictable. Even able to slip through a social media  blackout.

BTW. Pretty fucking hard to work the hype machine when you're taking a mental health social media break. Or at least only taking enough of a hit to keep from losing it totally. RRRR is gonna need some hype help. Should be able to work a bit more into it on Friday though.

Things are pretty rough sometimes, But I have to be and generally i'm okay with the fact that I'm moving forward, one foot, one project at a time. Odd moments catch up, trip ya up. But hey, as long as you don't fall on your face, or if you do you can bounce back up quickly....  itssokay, right?

Kind of wish I wasn't able to be as observant, wish I could turn it off.

Someone fed me the blue pill... but not quite...  also no idea where or when, unless, most likely born that way, but I was unable to figure out what to do with this information, still don't know what to do, besides act conservatively/shyly, or go the other direction and totally over-react. Introverted Extrovert, extremes, nothing in the middle. One of the other....  In a world of greys I'm like a backscattered electron image of some PbSn Solder. Black or white, no mixing one of the other.... One personality flipping into the other back and forth. No wonder I'm so drawn to black and white images and photography and why i do the Electron Microscope stuff.

The odd bit is how with some people I'm able to open up when engaging one on one with a feedback loop of positivity, take that away, not the most positive feedback loop. happened while in the grocery store, someone who's able to light it up when chatting, somehow drawing out a pile of positivity from me. Need more people like that around me more frequently. But observationally I wonder, is that me or them? What creates that engagement, that positive feedback loop?  Or is it like a hug, kind of pointless alone, but takes two active people to hug?

I'm probably gonna have another coffee, head in and build some more just to pad the Friday direct deposit, was going to ride over to the shop but next week is big week, hundo and RRRR recon, I'm gonna drive, maybe pick up some of those fresh noodles from the asian store on the way home and go in to the week slightly more rested. Maybe.

Odd moment of feeling like writing more, but will refrain, save some for later...

heddwch
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smackdown and a whole week...

Smackdown happened. It was fun. Leland had a solo party with big Eian and the rest of us hung out going hard kicking each other's ass but then also waiting up most of the time after the sprint line.

Kind of like it should be. I was slow, but I didn't look at the data to compare just how slow, don't care except i kind of do. But it was good to get the ride in.

Slowly catching my breath. Sort of. Not really but inching back to sanity.

maybe.

There's always a pile of stuff to do, seems futile and so far I've failed to find enough rest and recovery, but hey do that when you're dead right? Past weekend was pretty low key other than the window and driving people everywhere and all that stuff. This weekend likely to be building bikes all weekend. Hoping to get in the Hundo next week and the RRRR recon on Friday.

Been taking an extended twitter break, helping a bit, NJ may have posted though, but that's almost a silent account can check in there and not interact and get sucked in like on the other twitter one.

Limited on FB as well. Helping? not really...

Still just listening to Fugazi radio on pandora non-stop pretty much, bike shop, here, home when no one else is around to listen while i'm cooking or dishes...

Haven't even posted a gram for 4 days...

Now that i've stopped moving and sat down to write something I'm getting very very sleepy. Dozing off almost at my desk. this holding still thing is nice...  I'd love got get a quick nap right now.

No rest yet...  best hit publish before I really fall asleep

heddwch
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fuuuuaaaaahhhhkkkkk

I hate the time change...  still...  it has been a while and it STILL feels like 9 something PM not 10 something...

and waking up early is the worst...


I've deleted a couple dozen phrases at this point, literally....  deciding that...  fuck it...  my problem, as Steph always said "choices I made"

they've worked out before...  maybe this is the normal lull, the dip into the darkness that makes me appreciate the light...

or worse and negatively reminds me that maybe ...  [words left unwritten]

despite my mood and current disposition things aren't bad...  Copernicus probably couldn't tell, but then he's a dude, not so smart, all patriarcical and shit>>>


i might have another beer and unplug... or skip the beer and read more of the book...


long day..

things... better? i dunno, but were they ever bad? nope. can i ask for help?

nope

heddwch
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and then... you spend the weekend doing stuff and nothing

mostly, after the the last month, feels like nothing. But I did replace a window (twice) fix a scope at the picture factory so the students in my class could use it...

got shopping done and kid shuttled...

and realized that the time change has fucked me up. Can't wake up. daylight is weird, odd.

next two days are crazy, oddly these two days have been both, crazy and not at all.

can't really describe it all.

i've been reading, drinking a beer or more,

but no riding...  is should have ridden, but lately no energy for it,

getting enough i guess with the crazy challenging commute over the ice and snow.

dinner was awesome last night and tonight, happy about that I am...  small moments of happy.

Way too much introspection on true love and all that lately...  leaving it at that...  pry it out of me in person if you have the guts.

Life's strange, my next couple days are about to be stranger...  but hey, who's better equiped to deal with blindsides than GeWilli? no one.

And that makes stuff you can see coming at ya even more managable...

But those blindsides have been nagging me a bit more than usual. the house with the white truck parked in the lot day after day for one...  not sure why, i don't commute that way anymore now that the Linear park is open, but it still resides deeply inside.

I'm at that razor point of saying way more, or recognizing the futility and harm and just shutting up...

I'm going to go back to my reading, and say, hey, April 30th...  join us.  AKA all the Vanderbacon boys esp would be good for that skater punk to pedal in this arena

it will be fun...

heddcwh
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So... post steamroller

also what the fuck do we call steam rollers that don't run on steam?

this week fucking leveled me. mentally and physically.

I'm sitting here a shell, useless, exhausted, cold, should make dinner (for me, everyone else got chiportly)

What's been going on?

Feb Hundo... IN DA BOOKS

Of course i waited until the very last day. Why not?

I set myself up well by getting 46 CXy miles in on single track and stuff on Sunday.

Official save the date April 30th. RRRR (RI Red Rooster Ronde)

We haven't ridden the route from start to finish but I know exactly how we are going to make it work and it will be awesome and fun, not too many hills, decent single track, some technical stuff, decent level of needing to pay attention to the Garmin and a few secret beer/bourbon caches. May need beer sponsor though if anyone knows of a distributor with a few extra cases that might go to a good cause.

So Sunday was brutal. It was long. It might have only been 46 miles but it was only an hour or two shorter than Tuesday's Hundo.

Most of the coverage of the Hundo is on Instagram (click on it over on the left or right or where ever the fuck i put it.) I did make the guys stop so i could grab a few shots, and they both got in the spirit and snagged a couple themselves (FB not IG for Brent).

The weather kept going from no rain until after dark to rain all day, every day leading up to it, back and forth, back and forth. Monday though had it clear, and Peng and Brent agreed to join in.

Paul's place was locked up tight as he said it would be but no worries, the route we took? Legit pretty fucking awesome. So little traffic, so many low traveled roads, pretty damn direct too. Not terribly flat but still 117.5 miles and just over 4k feet of climbing is pretty flat by non-flatlander standards.

Peng literally pulled us most of the way, but he's freshly graduated from college, he's racing with his home national team and has talent, and is 55 pounds lighter than I am. Oh and so is Brent. I had no problem matching them on the flats, had to hit the brakes on the declines, but uphill? Fuck that W/KG thing. Man being an out of shape big guy sucks.

But reality? The roads were so awesome, the riding was absolutely perfect. Temps were in the 40s and 50s, may have hit 60, but mostly still pretty awesome for Feb. Winds? Calm to start. dead fucking calm. They started to pick up a bit for the return but were mostly from the south so were either helpful or not a hindrance until i got on the bike path headed home into the wind.

Cadence was up quite a bit from my solo hundo's. I attribute it to the SSCX commuter, like tonight, easily ticking over 110 or so RPM with a tailwind. Smooth no bouncing. Looking down many times I'd find myself well over 100 RPM and thing "hey i could shift, neat!"

It really was a magical day on the bike. But man it kicked my butt. So tired and hungry the next day.

Needed it though. I hate it but and so grateful for the challenge. This NECX HOTM thing, best thing for me this spring. Forcing me to at least ride one century a month, last year I languished and suffered for not riding. And with the bike shop gearing up even sooner?  This is even more needed.

Art stuff?

Got my first gallery contract to sign, crazy stipulations but all pretty absolutely fucking insanely awesome. Super stoked about it.  Granted not till 2019 though.

Most immediate stuff is the Med School installation. need to get on top of that and get stuff ready to hang ASAP (next week).

Music? yeah still defaulting to Fugazi radio, but it is heavy with Dead Kennedy's and Suicidal tendencies. I think the Dks may be the most therapeutics.

OOOOOOH...

i am signed up to run a 5k on the 16th of march. currently debating if i should run before that or go in straight cold and stuff....

Also this administration is a fucking joke and it is maddeningly insane what they are getting away with. But at least i'm so off the hook insanely busy and about to get more so that well...  yeah, little time to dwell (I'm supposed to be cooking dinner, rice is on, the rest needs to follow NOW)...

so yeah...

Hundo was awesome, reaffirming that riding bikes all day with the best people is pretty much the best EVER.

heddwch
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