new layout time

This new layout is not the change i was looking for. 

Seems odd. But I've had enough UI changes to know what to reference and connect the lines to what i used to use and all that.

I should write a lot more than i have been. But I've been a LOT busier than I have been.

Haven't found the time to sit down and write.

And right now I'm just typing in a way to wait for something that is taking way longer than it should but I can't do anything else until it is done. Or wait. Back up. I don't want to start something else or get back into the middle of a different think and then be even further behind and not really ahead because I missed getting this next piece started as soon as possible.

I haven't shifted gears sine Friday and I've ridden a bike every day except monday. Monday I spent the whole fucking day doing yard work and you can't tell. Well you can, there are three barrels full of stuff, a pile that needs to get put into barrels and the wood is split and stacked and there's a new corral for it. 

Things in my head to write: 
Single Speed Mt Biking is fucking AWESOME!

Legit - so much fun. I guess MTB is just fun, but SSMTB just feels right to me. Yeah there's some steep punchy shit that isn't rideable and that is when i wish the bike was 10 pounds lighter (carrying it). But honestly half the time on those steep things I can't ride it even with gears. 

new gravel tires are AWESOME! Got a set of Hutchinson Toureg tires. the 45s fit on the crockett. it is so cool - and they roll so well and the bike is like feeling so perfect riding around. geared just ride. honestly thinking about a greasey joes gravel century. Ride to the start of the GPS track and then ride home.

100 miles of unsupported gravel. I might need to figure out how to add one more bottle, or a frame bag... or not.

Fence might happen Friday - but probably not till next week when i have to be in two places at once. Of course.

There was something else too - maybe i'll remember when come back to this.

that other stuff is done - my five minutes of draining the brain swamp tank is over - barely made a dent.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch

G

so you like to read?

Read stuff that is well written, argued and cited?

Well you obviously didn't come here for that.

But you can go over and read Cosmo's essay about the Strava situation.

I don't really have much else to say. Added another cool image to the pile yesterday (nanoscape on IG or twitter or where-ever).

Today was odd. Still feeling odd, trying to identify the source just if for nothing else, to identify it and move on. If it isn't anything that can be done then it is much easier to move on. Doing quite a bit less second guessing myself lately.

That's been good. That leads to less brooding and darkness.

Add to that a big more disconnected feeling everywhere. I guess my lag time is really high. But could be bad if I don't fix it or reconcile it. I did look at the calendar, fucking memorial day weekend is THIS WEEKEND? WHAT? IT IS STILL MARCH!

Making dinner that isn't what everyone wants is common, making a dinner that some decline always kind of hurts a bit. Feels like failure although 75% is still a high success rate I suppose.

Gonna eat something, kind of wish one of the books on hold would come in, can't find anything else in the library I want to read.

Best eat, maybe just pick some random popular book and dive in. or something else.

Not much to say from out here in little Rhody. Might break out the Paramount in TT mode tomorrow or Friday. Gonna have to shave the fuzzy legs before that. They haven't been this hairy in over a decade - maybe longer.

Y'all be good.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

Heddwch
G

40 years ago

That little perfect mountain just south of Rainier blew up.

My memory is walking up the hill on the road and hearing and feeling something, an odd boom.

I can actually picture the moment, but also, who knows what tricks my memory is playing with me.

It makes sense though. We were pretty unsupervised growing up, house at the end of a quiet dead end road 20 mins from anywhere and an hour from everything else.

The odd bit was the kid walking out of the room they are cleaning and organizing and purging of stuff that isn't theirs. A long cigar shaped glass tube with a cork cap, full of grey ash. And a label... 

I kind of think maybe it was hiding up on the ledge/shelf thing, forgotten, left, not seen by the previous owners, only now discovered. Or it came from my dad's house in MD and in my drunken haze it is something i completely overlooked. But i can pretty clearly recall that whole trip and the stuff I brought back (it wasn't much).

But discovered a day before the 40th anniversary of it going boom.

And today I was bringing a few scopes back online. Lets see how it looks on the SEM and the LM. Posted over on the socials: https://www.instagram.com/nanoscape_/ and the twitter account: https://twitter.com/nanoscape it isn't ground breaking but i'm excited about it. And it is kind of falling flat, but I guess it isn't orange juice or waffles or whatever people find to respond to.

Posted the last couple of cool ones up to the IG.

Makes me kind of feel bummed out a bit by the lack of feedback but there's some, and that really is enough, right?

I guess something's missing. Dunno what. Oh well, hasn't stopped me before. Fuck it.

Rewind a bit - Saturday. Rode the big wheel MTB to the shop. Took a long time, but I hit the little short bit of single track on the way in. Fucked up the tricky up hill turn. But the crank had loosened up a bit fixed that, rear brake pads were basically as worn as could be w/o hitting the backing. Put new ones in. Cleaned it all the fuck up. Shiny, well as shiny as Matte Cobra Blood can get.

Rolled home, wearing shorts because it was warm out, flying through the single track, up over two technical piles of roots and heading down towards parking lot by Squantum Club and splash, "Huh I don't remember seeing any mud" then the smell hit me.
Shit

like human fecal matter in a sloppy greenish (no not animal - animal stuff smells very different and isn't in this large of a quantity). like some runner couldn't and went into the parking lot and then up this path a bit - squatted and left it. Or someone else did. I hope they wiped their ass with some of the emerging poison ivy.

So yeah it was now on my legs, my arm, and all over the bike and in the tires. Grabbed some non-poison Ivy grass and wiped it off my skin, further tried to wipe it off over by the puddle in the parking lot with the leafy weeds.

But hey at least the bike was clean and I could see exactly where it was, all over the place.

I HAD JUST CLEANED IT ALL. But since I had just cleaned it I could see it. SO I COULD CLEAN IT ALL OVER AGAIN. Got home, washed my hands and arms first, found that some had splattered on my shorts (of course). Stripped it all off and scrubbed my legs and arms again in the shower. By the time I was back out there to clean the bike it had hardened on the bike. Like fucking cement. It wasn't just washing off with a hose. FUUUUUCK - oh and it smelled BAD.

Got it all cleaned off, wiped it all down with a clorox wipe or three, scrubbed the tires, then made dinner.

Ate a bowl of muesli before bed because we were going to ride Hell's 1/2 Acre. the 33 mile loop. And we got it mostly right this time. And the Garmin totally fucked it all up again with the total. And the slow refresh but the GPS that Burke helped with actually worked better this time and the garmin made it possible to navigate it all. I think maybe I should just try the wahoo element roam...  Hey it is just money right? The garmin doesn't talk with the new devices either. Something's funky. The dropping mileage isn't really a big deal. I did the ride. Doesn't matter.

But man what a ride. It was good. The hills def wrecked me a bit - i was pretty slow on them, but the rippers and flowy and fast and down stuff? FUCKING FUN! HOLY SHIT! LOVE IT. Like I had so much fun in the woods. It was long, I didn't ride I see dead people as well as I should have, def didn't clear it like I did last time we rode it. Neither did anyone else. Clean it that is. Had a realization that pissed me off, should have tried to negotiate a signing bonus, or compensation. Oh well. Stache C frame would have been cool, or some line pro 40s. Gotta get those wheels sooner than later - will make a huge difference. Me chasing a Santa Cruz Blurr (25# with full water bottle) and a Trek Top Fuel 9.9 XTR (about the same). But it felt good. I had a fuckton of fun. I worked, I rode pretty hard, and had a really good day.

Def talking about the North South trail ride still. Maybe do this once more to see if we can keep from fucking it up again, even fewer backtracks maybe.

Tomorrow is complicated. Difficult juggling act with everything, but it'll all seem smooth to those on the outside. Like a duck.

Tired. Haven't been sleeping well. Have actually cut back on coffee, making progress in that area. Pretty happy about that.

Little things right?

Def digging the mountain biking. Got thinking, and remembering when that Stache was first introduced, the rigid, weird Plus tires, we sold one to a guy a little taller than I am, he raved about it, loved it. I really thought about getting one, but it was also at a point where I couldn't afford to do that, couldn't really even think about it. But Freddie kept bugging me about getting a MTB. A modern one. We didn't know each other when I made a good couple-four year attempt to ride the Klein in the woods around here, never really had fun on it like I am having fun on this. I guess a lot would have changed if I did that. Probably wouldn't have been on any smackdowns, would have been in the woods.

Maybe I should have bought that bike back then.

Okay I just fact checked myself out of that preposterous notion - the Stache in this iteration really didn't show up until 2016 - the Stache 5 was the bike I had my eye on. So yeah. Well at least I can stop thinking about that.

One day maybe I'll get one of those super light things, but for now, I'll keep being one of the only guys on a hardtail.

Fuck my brain is just starting to unfold like the proton in the 3 body problem. Expanding and the thoughts are trying to organize a bit - but this is a failure of delivery. Like the rest of today. I'm going to leave the rest of the thoughts trapped in here a bit longer. Maybe they'll go away, or make more sense later.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

got a pile of

shit to unload in my brain - gotta double check and rewind but there was a crazy weekend

Saturday - oof that was shitty (if you follow me on the soon to be stripped bare strava - no i'm not going to premium on it - you'll get that reference)

Sunday spent it in hells 1/2 acre

found something really timely and cool (twitter) yesterday

took and posted one photo (so far) today on the Nanoscape (all the medias)

spend a whole day at work - actually doing work (while microscope was running mostly by itself)

Found this sound:

Hold On...

it is good...

was also thinking maybe I should get some
Amor Fati Motherfucker
stickers printed up...  seems appropriate no?

maybe not

keep on keeping on my friends, maybe I'll have time to fill in the blanks in long form tonight
heddwch
G

the length of time

takes a while to watch this...

just finished it...

really enjoyed it...

loved the black and white...

thought about riding bikes, thought about 35mm film, darkrooms, food, riding, just riding, hoping to see Canero pass, wishing i'd had a bike and a week or two to stay with my Dad when he was still there.

Wishing i'd found mountain biking again while he was still there.

Wishing he was still there, and not dealing with the atypical parkinsons.

thinking and wishing - there's some saying that goes along with that futility

but in the end,

that was time well spent.

maybe you'll enjoy it too.

heddwch
G

the darkroom

no not a dark room or a metaphor for something...

actual darkroom, the place where you processed film, printed and enlarged it...

I watched this waiting for a call back and some support things to sort out

And had a DM convo with JM about IR and that stuff, lead to looking again at conversions to monochrome...  i mean if i had $9k for the M10 "mono" and another $13k for the new Noctiulx lens fuck it - i'd have one already. Well as soon as the body is off backorder.

First thing about the interview is just the absolute privilege, but the message is really good, about the photography stuff. The seeing, the difference between color and black and white.

Really good stuff. Some of which I actually had already incorporated into the class. That said I think most of the generation of phone photographers is using portrait mode as default, they struggle to use landscape...

and that struggle is where we learn.

Ralph mentions about how the darkroom teaches you more because it reveals your mistakes, but only if you go out to try and correct them and practice do you learn.

I would dearly love to have a monochrome camera - a 50-75 maybe 85mm lens, nice 1.4 at least aperture.

It has me wondering - do all my photos look like everyone elses? or am i using the phone in a unique way that still presents the images as mine?

I think about photography endlessly. Partly it is very much wrapped up in my professional career, the other part is that along with bikes, black and white photography and taking photos is something I've been doing for forever.

Gotta get my basement darkroom set up I think. I can shoot rolls and rolls of film for not much money compared to the monochrome cameras. But I think, knowing what i know about scientific CMOS and how the sensors work and all that, that I get it when Ralph says he hasn't loaded a single roll of film since 2012 when he got his first Mono.

Rich old privileged white men do have the market cornered on the leica cameras. I'm tempted to share this one with my class but first feel a strong desire to find a POV from anyone else from the under-represented, a woman, a person of color, where are their videos and interviews and inspirational talks about photography? Perhaps this one works for that. Guess I should do some "research" or maybe there's some interviews with some of these 12

Time to pack up the place for the day.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

happy hour

Give this a listen.

Or skip to Chris Thile and watch to the end.

Thank you Iworedettos for the link and posting about it. That made for a delightful musical evening (alone in front of the laptop while everyone else does their thing).

Today was like a normal day. A late start but normal, headwind, worked in the office, got most of what i needed to get done - tried to do a bit extra that failed but learned something in the process.

And amazingly had a tailwind on the way home. Path was a fucking zoo but i wore my face covering and just dealt with it.

I don't feel much like writing more than saying I want to be Chris Thile when I grow up.

He actually kind of looks like he's an older brother to one of the grad students here.

Could just be the tall dutch heritage or something (is he of dutch descent? even? I dunno).

No trainer miles today. Real road miles.

Not sure when things are going to happen for the TT - the virtual one. It is hillside. Fucking hillside. My fastest time is from 2013, I was 195 then... i'm not anymore.

But hey, we're in it for the consistency points. I may only get one point but if I get all the points I'll still be like 4th or 5th if that. It is motivating and I think about Jake Well's and the DK documentary and that's a good thing. Being motivated.

Y'all know i struggle with intrinsic motivation. Probably ate too much food tonight - but oh well - i'll eat less tomorrow - maybe.

Longer day tomorrow - tons of shit - back to normal, sort of (not really at all but i'm back in the big gig on site - alone and busy).

heddwch
G

Taking a vacation

wait what is that...  how does that work now in the WFH days?

can I? do I? how?

I feel like i have been sitting on the top of a boulder lately, not sure how I got here but it is sort of okay, there's plenty to do to stay up here.

yesterday? It started to move, slowly, but I can see pretty clearly that it is moving towards a bit of a sloping hill...  pretty foggy, dunno what's further ahead. All i can see is that it is going to take a fuckton more work to stay up here on top of the big rock as it picks up speed.

Hopefully it won't crash into a canyon wall while i'm on it, hopefully I won't trip and get ejected forward and squashed under it.

I got some shopping done yesterday - lots of work, fired off an email about the thing that was bugging me on thursday, had a phone call, made progress, still unsure if it is a good thing or not. But it is enough of a good thing that it is worth sticking around. More work, made dinner, rode bike again.

Super chill hour that flew by once again. Watched Norah Jones (she's so dreamy - yeah I have a huge crush on her - i can admit that about a celebrity right? or not - whatever), R. Cash, J Mellencamp, and an old hero, actor, songwriter, singer Kris Kristofferson. It was an awesome 50 min but not enough Norah. So I wrapped up the last 10 minutes watching some of Norah's at home concerts. I should link em...  or not.

I will link one song that got me all goosebumpy and misty eyed. It was supposedly Johnny Cash's favorite song.

I posted one link up on the twitter last night - I like the older live version better. Something about the fragility of his older voice is more emotional.

Music...  helps with the balance, the rhythm of the boulder. Riding the bike keeps me in shape and in one piece...

the rest?

Life goes on, gonna try and stay up here for a while. Keep on keeping on.

My try a bike commute today.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers
heddwch
G

now where was I

I guess start with the biggest albatross, the offer letter.

Okay that's out of the way now. Needs some work, is absolutely not in my wheelhouse and I'm trying to emotionally distance the initial reaction from the rational response and find a positive direction forward.

I'm confident, but there's a bit of the unknown.

Fortunately I read it all kitted up and ready to do some intervals. Junk ones, no point, no purpose. Who does 4x10 min ones at a moderate pace? They weren't easy but they were consistent.

That was what I was going for.

And the effort help clear the mind a bit.

Been interesting. Today was a good day but normal moment of loss, despair, sadness of unspecific nature.  Not sure totally what the trigger was. Gave up on the book and went back to music.

But with the crazy on the path (and the snow this morning) I bailed on the bike commute and drove.

So I got home tonight and the kids were making dumplings, by hand again. And I got on the bike. Planned only a quick 20 minute spin to flush out the body bits. I have noticed I feel much better this week than last when I wasn't riding much. And yeah, the trainer and the frankenbike are kind of working well.

Although Friday morning I went out early and did the TT segment. It went about as well as I expected. I think there was a bit of a headwind, but I put it all out there, could barely turn the pedal after, so I'm happy with both the effort and the motivation to get out there and do it. And yes - the trainer has more resistance than the road only based on PRE and effort.  Ate some food and headed into the shop, did my think, hit the store on the way home for the Shaw's run of specific stuff. They had more flour in, but we still have enough. Picked up some fresh stuff and some other stuff, cheese and requested snacks. Everyone was wearing masks. Most people we following the one-way. A few old people started into the aisle the wrong way, stopped, then looked down, back up at the four people in the aisle all facing them, and kept going into the aisle. And then there was the overweight white dude in wearing a baggy black sweatshirt and sand colored cargo pants and a Rump, Dense political mask. I mean hey props dude, no need to have any doubt that you are a racist d-bag, and I guess if you're going to wear a mask you feel like you need to proudly say it. I get it - you're threatened and those two old white dudes are all that you think is separating you from some hell you're imaging. I wonder how much more of that will start to pop up. I've already started to see the grams light up with sloganized masks. Pretty easy, it is a big [impact] fucking billboard. Or a small but very not subtle way to push your ideas into those who look at you.

I guess I am the guy now wearing AHTBM bandannas as a mask/face covering.

So anyway, tonight. Got home. Got on the trainer. only planned 20 minutes... turned into 50+ because of this:

I mean - Prine, Lovett, LaMontagne? Hell yeah, costello i can take or leave, never always his biggest fan but these other three?

When EC started interviewing RL, mind blown. Love this guy even more now. esp the comment about people at the end of the interview section.

I legit had no concept of time while watching this - the 50 minutes flew by.

Gonna go do a bit of mountain bicycling tomorrow morning, there's still pancake batter left from the batch I made this morning so everyone else can sleep in and have that in the morning. Not planning the 1/2 acre attempt today - pushing that off for another week. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

I'm gonna try and disconnect a bit tonight - not sure how successful i'll be. Everything else is ramping up, things are crazy, just as things are settling and stabilizing a new big upheaval is on the way.

Time to finish salad, maybe watch some more live performances. Okay found one. 

catch ya later,

heddwch
G

harmonies and in tune

so clean, tight harmonies, in tune fiddle playing, slide steel guitar...

sure it is a song about dying, but it still gives me goosebumps

Well that felt good

The morning ride.

Bookended sleep with pedaling.

I basically did the commute this morning, early. Might try and get a similar ride in before dinner this time today instead of after it. Also def think this ancient cyclops has much more resistance than riding on the road. Feels like strong headwind level effort for a given pace. But could just be riding in the basement.

Wound up following through with the day yesterday. Got back home, finished a few work things up, made dinner, ate, gave myself a little break (watched the new Rockward Files then headed downstairs.

Added a new cadence sensor to the rig (non-drive chainstay is crowded), and well now I have all the metrics (except power, except power).

I got 90 min in, did a little harder effort, relaxed, then did three low cadence highest gear standing efforts, 3 min long with some break in the middle of them, then cooled down took a shower and tried to sleep.

Read a little, resonance this passage in the book:

"It was impossible to expect a moral awakening from humankind itself, just like it was impossible to expect humans to lift off the earth by pulling up on their own hair. To achieve moral awakening required a force outside the human race." -CL

a virus is outside the human race eh? no?

The book is good - i'm still in the bit confused state but also temporal coincidence having just watched Soul of a Banquet with a similar personal retelling of the events.

Sleep was good - until one of the dogs decided it was time to groom themselves at 5:00 and the licking woke us up - and i had to kick the dogs out of the room, of course they them proceeded to tap dance on the tiles on the other side of the door. So I got up.

Made coffee.

Read a bit on the internets, started work, stopped work. Watched the red bull WFH with the trials guy

and headed back downstairs.

Shit - meeting time.

I love productive meetings, and often forget how things seem simple to one person but baffling to others.

My stash of face coverings arrived from Stevil, there are only 10 left. Probably gone by the time you read this. They are large - fit my head. I would suggest you get them, not just to get a couple pieces of quench gum and buy some stickers.

Also read his stuff, it is good - semi-regular even.

Speaking of new stuff - go check Renegade Cross - they are writing again, hopefully sticking with it. Good stuff.

Of course Seth is churning out content like he's getting paid to. And with the subscriber button he probably is. Maybe I should put a button on here. Subscriptions $1,000.00 and you get nothing more than the freeloading folks. Couple subscriptions and maybe I'll actually write better, or have another MTB to ride that needs more words to be written about it and mountain bicycling adventures alone.

Speaking of adventuring on the mountain bicycle - this Grimy Handshake had me laughing. But seriously, if MF shows at your MTB ride, and you don't know him - GTFO - go home use your knee pads for cleaning the kitchen floor. But really, seriously, look at the subtitle for that. And then the date.  Guessing the editors didn't plan on the apocalypse happening w/in a year. Knee pads? Seriously? Also here for the no glove thing. I can pretty much say we have more rocks. Sure we don't have any 500-1000 foot cliff faces we ride across and yeah we're generally not going all out because when it comes right down to it, it is pretty flat here. Still easy to fuck shit up and crash. Just different.

I like riding w/o gloves, across all disciplines. I've gone through phases of wearing the mechanics gloves, the motocross ones (actually those were the best, and cheapest - should look into them again - but that was also 20 years ago). These 100% branded winter gloves are okay, cheap, not that warm but warmer than nothing. And yeah, i ride MTB in my lycra. Haven't fully embraced the baggies, maybe because i've always been riding in em. But then again, riding my ebike has helped loosen the grip on me having to wear that shit on the bike all the time. Maybe I'll eventually get some baggies... maybe...

Down side to riding after dinner, and then this morning is I'm fucking hungry. I even ate a 3 egg omelet with taco stuff in it (beans and meat and cheese) at 9.

Salad for lunch. Meetings all afternoon, make dinner, ride bike, or ride bike then make dinner. I dunno. Addictive personality. Riding the fucking trainer is the new obsession? I guess there are worse things.

Thought process is that 24HOGG is probably not going to happen, but if it DOES happen I want to be there and want to be more prepared than not prepared. Three things. Gotta start riding it as the singlespeed, gotta get lighter wheels for the stache, and I need to start pedaling like it matters. AKA the re-attempt at Hells 1/2. Maybe a solo hundo out to Plymouth or something or a stupid long trainer session. If it doesn't happen being in shape for it is never a bad thing.

Alright: goal, stay distracted from hunger by working on prepping everything for my 3pm meeting before eating lunch. Hopefully the task is engaging enough to keep me distracted.

stay safe - be well go buy a bandana if there are any left - only 5 right now.

heddwch
G

YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK THIS STAY SAFE BULLSHIT, i feel duped into saying it, i mean it but also know that the lot of y'all don't need the fucking reminder from me, or really FROM ANYONE BECAUSE WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC.

Weird times

Yesterday was long - I had planned to wake up, make coffee, drink one cup and get on the bike for cup #2 before starting the day.

Well I guess the easy way to say this is my work laptop has a 10 min screensaver/lock screen thing, I didn't have to log in and wake it back up from 7am when I turned it on until 6:45 when I started making dinner.

So after dinner, I pulled the speed sensor off the Stache and took off the cadence one on the Frankenbike and voila - SPEED ON THE TRAINER! But no cadence...  still wonder why it didn't work on the Stache, but oh well - fuck it, it is catching the time and that's what matters.

Was going to try again for this morning, but here I am - still working. Okay, today I'm actually taking a minute to myself.

Last night was good tho, 45 min, moderate effort in the middle, nothing crazy, got sweaty, took a shower, eventually fell asleep and slept well. That took a bit (the falling asleep part).

Nothing defined today, and that's set me into the whole indecision loop. Head to the shop, yeah, go in for a couple hours. Drive or ride? Nice day, bike path will probably be crazy, ride there or ride tonight on the trainer? And then Leland has the whole virtual Strava TT thing set up again, there's a new segment but it is a headwind today. Def gonna try poaching a tailwind for that. But not today. Maybe a good Friday morning activity (if the meetings stay clear). I think maybe I just jinxed it.

The ride on sunday kind of kicked my ass into motivating mode. With so much going on, so busy so crazy i lost track a bit of what needed to be done. So I think perhaps, yeah, gonna need to start a focused trainer regime to balance out the MTB rides and the social distance TTs.

Well shit - there went another hour of time, but it was work, during work hours. In spite of all the extra bike shop time I'm still over the clock time for regular job. I should probably take a vacation day or two this month.

Maybe after classes are over.

It is a really nice looking day outside. So much easier to just work and get everything done when I am in the basement at work. Come in in the morning, never see the sun until i leave. Never look up from the screen out the window at the blue sky.

I think i'm going to drive. The bike path is too much of a pain, too many people. And while I tend to agree the odds of getting sick from other people are pretty low, with weather as nice as it is today it is going to be a zoo on the way home, i'd rather not deal with that.

Besides - i have to re-pair my phone with the stupid car again, thanks factory reset. Total pain in the ass. And now the Garmin (after syncing on Sunday) won't sync with it.  Maybe i need a new gps computer thing before lighter wheels...

And I just went to check in on the Wahoo EP program, it is suspended. Hmmm, that sucks, big bummer, maybe that big fat failed bontrager branded 1030 (they are selling them just barely over cost to consumers direct) is the way to go.

Oh well - more to think about.

One more big email to finish up, two tasks to complete, then I can take a couple hour break, eat lunch, and get back home, catch up, make dinner and then ride the bike tonight - this is now motivation to serve dinner before 8pm.

stay safe

heddwch
G

The other night...

Probably Friday night...

i listened to this song, and really just listened, tuned everything else out. Headphones in, not writing, not reading, not flipping through IG.

just listened...

I think it was Friday. May 1st. Workers day.

Maybe.

Doesn't really matter - a crazy emotional response...  of course it came through the pandora station as I'm sitting here, after dinner.

Aching and sore after today's attempt at the Hell's 1/2 acre 33 mile MTB route. We got 17? or so miles into it before Fred was out of water. I was not alone. no. Fred and I both work at the shop, and we never were on top of each other and we were setting a marathon pace, not a race pace. Yeah. We were slow.

I put a rear wheel sensor on the Stache - hoped it would help with the mileage. It didn't. Still way under. Will tweak some settings, see if i can make it work, kind of had hoped it would work. It wasn't the garmin one but it was supposed to work and the head unit saw it and recognized it as a speed sensor.

2020 in miles 356, 343, 420, 184... and that 184 was very front loaded...2020 in hours 40, 36, 41, 20

And here we are a few days into May and me thinking I could handle a tough 33 mile MTB ride. My brain wrote a check my garmin couldn't read and my legs couldn't cash. Tons of backtracking. Syl's 520 wasn't any better than my 510. But I rode a ton of new trails, it felt good. I rode I See Dead People cleanly for the first time. wasn't the fastest but I hit all the A lines, we've ridden that a bunch - was awesome to do that. It isn't the hardest but it is up there. Of course I'm thinking it would be nice to have a bike as light as the other two knuckleheads. A nice Blur with XTR and a Top Fuel 9.9 XTR. But hey - we set out planning to ride one mile for each pound my bike weighs w/o bottles. Also, I can put two bottles on my bike, they were limited to one. Ultimately the deal breaker for the day. But I kind of cracked just as Fred ran out of water. The hill on the road with the XR4 tires was brutal. And yeah I got thinking, hmm XC bike... hmm... Trek has a few, not many, XXL ones. I think maybe my skills are catching up, probably could do just as well on a XC rig as I am on the mid-fat. But i still really enjoy that damn bike. Ordered a Singlespeed cog for it, thinking maybe that's a way to work on next level. And since we're not racing who cares how heavy the bike is - i just gotta work harder.

That's a good thing. For me. A bit frustrating for others. For now.

While we didn't finish what we set out to try, we spent a long time on the bike, had a fucking blast, and we're fucking ready to go try it again.

Gonna take me a while to recover tho. But that's not bad. I have the bike on the trainer in the basement - going to work on getting on it for an hour in the morning. Make coffee, and instead of sitting on my butt drinking it i'll go and pedal.

Another thing - super terrible night sleep two in a row (probably didn't help todays riding), and a light coffee day has me in difficulty keeping my eyes open.

Gonna pop some Vitamin D (ginger's ain't make it so good - need to supplement daily to meet that arbitrary "good" number) and get into bed. after dealing with a few things that can't be done sitting on my butt right here.

heddwch
G

or wrong

y'all be weird - and yeah - to be honest i appreciate the dropped references to random shit i post in here - thanks for that that comment today.

Quick content rundown..

buy masks made by Arch https://www.shopbombchel.com/collections/all/products/reversible-african-cloth-masks-for-you like get on it - also click over and get a handful of donation into the basket while you're at it.

doing something right

views are down - that means i'm driving traffic away!

F'YEAH!

Although it also could just mean people are finally changing habits and not doing the internet surfing thing anymore.

also not such a bad thing.

I keep waffling back and forth from being good to not being good - in general feeling - not in actions, mindset in a way. Suddenly all the bad shit wells up, but then i keep working and next thing I know that wave is gone and it is all good.

Strange mostly, notable only.

Rode the bike to the shop today, got a few built, watched a Zeiss webinar while there. Listened to more of Rosewater.

Rode in on a deserted path. Fucking crowded on the way home. Yes, there are alternatives but cars doing 50 on a tight road, i'll mask up and risk the bike path.

So i was digging through the MF stuff on Bike and saw all the tests, hmm i wonder if they've tested the Stache...  full stache yes but not MF... and then there's this Outside test quote: "It’s a big, brawny, fun-loving bike with speed and agility that belie its stature. It’s not for everyone. But you’d be hard-pressed to find a more entertaining trail bike."

I think maybe I need to upgrade, give this a year maybe, in August see about upgrading the whole bike. Might do the wheels before but - that Full Carbon set up is nice - better bits, lighter. That is something i haven't done well, move on to a new bike. I just kind of hold on to stuff. Usually because there isn't really an option to upgrade right away and then usually hold on to them until there is zero value, and a market as small as the one for bikes my size? But hey maybe this one will be the start. Although Fuck it i should keep it and make it the single speed one and just get the carbon, everyone needs at least two mt bikes right?

At some point tonight I was seriously going to set the bike up on the trainer. Yeah - maybe tomorrow.

gonna read some more MF handshake columns - or just go get horizontal. Kind of a weird long day.

tomorrow is another one

a day that is

weird and long? dunno how it will shake out. but my butt hurts from this chair.

heddwch
G

um - did you expect different

read this one just now:
https://www.bikemag.com/features/opinion/the-grimy-handshake/grimy-handshake-the-weight-of-progress/

my neck hurts from nodding my head in agreement

and sure - NOW IBIS HAS A HAKKA THAT FITS ME

THE FUCK
https://www.ibiscycles.com/bikes/hakka-mx

and yes - dropper for the 'road' bike for sure.

but yeah - i'll still be out on my 32 pound mid-fat hardtail with the ridiculously heavy wheels and tires.

and i'm gonna have fun - esp since it is all pretty fucking flat out here

indulging

in a caller - solicitor i guess - info gathering - fuck it, answered his questions

pushed the grocery store run up to this morning, had to get it done early before a zoom meeting.

wasn't so bad. Joked with the guy at the meat counter, saw a microscope rep who was shopping. no hugs but we chatted as we moved through the store in overlapping patterns. Wound up in line behind him. I did an extra loop back for something.

spend a giant pile of money but feeding 4 people for 2 weeks takes a lot of food. and i was low on some spices and vanilla extract. had to get those.

Shit. damnit. fuck.

forgot the fucking heavy cream - i bought the vanilla to make ice cream. can't make fucking ice cream with out the fucking cream...

oh well.

Shit.

Middle of the meeting i pulled my phone out of my pocket downstairs (trying a new zoom location) and it was stuck on the reboot screen. locked the fuck up.

an hour later of being distracted - well - had to factory reset it. so much for back up because it lost a week and a halves (or more) worth of text messages. oh well - it is back, i'm sure i'll find something i forgot to log into.

while i was at that i worked at getting the garmin to talk to the phone, went through stuff with the support on that - took 25 minutes but at the end of it the old gamin talks to the new phone. then another long meeting and finally put the speed and cadence sensor on the white blue frankenbike and tried it out. had to tweak the position but i think i got it working well enough to do a trainer session...

only thing left to do is actually hook the bike up to the trainer and ride it.

maybe

i read this just now - and ya know - i'm kind of in the middle of the page on stopping for photos...  On the commute? That's different than in the woods. I def don't riding the mtb in the woods looking for photos - i just ride. it is different. sure i'll take a photo if we're stopped and there is a scene or reason to, but generally i'm riding just to ride. I don't session stuff. I'll try the line again differently next time i ride through there.

all that shopping and i am kind of not sure what to make for dinner. opposite problem from yesterday but still the same problem - from nothing in the fridge to a full fridge and still 'what is for dinner?'

I dunno.

but i should start working on cleaning up everyone's lunch dishes that didn't quite make it into the dishwasher (in process of loading)...

heddwch
G

also jus

pow right in the happy spot

This film has been out for a while - finally made the rotation in the youtubes

it is beautiful. Probably in large part due to Mike F's delivery.

Chills and memories from Pure Sweet Hell.

I think, maybe a few people get it. Those of us on a similar journey but different.

Mike always had a way with words - first on paper in Bike magazine. That was always the first column i'd read when the stack of magazines were delivered. Fuck the stacking and taking the old covers off and all that - cut open the fucking bundle and open up to the Grimy Handshake.

Years later it was the voice in Pure Sweet Hell. When I first saw that film, I didn't realize the iconic delivery of my favorite line was Ferrentino.

This film caught me by surprise - here was that same voice. Talking about mountain biking...

sure he's never left it - started writing once i started working in the shop in Michigan.

I think if you lined Greve, me and Mike up, it might be hard to tell we're not related, other than me being the only one with hair on the top of my head and not wearing glasses.

kinship is not visual similarity tho.

you get where I'm going Chip?

This damn film has me grinning - there's twinges of kind of what if - and what about - and some jealousy, but hey life, it happens.

I've rediscovered the dirt.

To be honest, not racing is probably one of the better things that could have happened.

I got one race in, destroyed a wheel, finished. Had an illusion or reality of passable success before mechanical, and then left untested.

A chance to just ride. To improve at a more leisured pace. Maybe to get some lighter better wheels soon, maybe to go single speed or maybe just work on riding.

I have a nerve pinching/twinge in the shoulder neck junction, angle of sitting today i think, slightly off center i'm a bit wired but feeling good. I like this.

This film really nailed it for me. So much so that I had to elaborate... in GeWilli fashion...  poorly.

heddwch
G

all day talking and talking

"You've been TALKING ALL DAY"

Yup.

And then I went to mail the deposit and contract for the new fence and spent another 20 minutes talking. At least this was in the car but i still felt like i was talking but acting like there was a camera on me.
Whoops.

Take a minute if you want, catch a short concert by my parents. It'll be up on Youtube eventually but for now it is only on FB. No east coast tour this year, 5 weeks of touring and revenue gone, and that 5 weeks of concert revenue is 3-4 months of salary. Tough times. But pushing folks into the new modalities and reality of the new era perhaps.

I don't think we're going back to the old ways anytime soon.

It is certainly a fucking Wild World out there right now.

Managed to get out for a MTB ride, not solo, but with two guys I work with at the shop, we're all pretty freaking solitary people and mask up anytime anyone else is in the store and no one is allowed in w/o a mask and there's never more than one in at a time. Finally rode at Village park, was fun, pretty simple, a couple drops, one that looks kind of crazy, but everything else was pretty straight forward. A little mud in a few spots. Funny thing is it is only about 5 minutes closer than Big River, maybe 8, def less than 10. And there are a lot more trails in BR and more trails/user. Lots of walkers and other riders in VP.

Weird fucking rocks.

Weather sucks tho.

Spent time yesterday while it was raining sorting through the bike stuff. Started a box for just cables and housing, another one for parts that weren't in drawers and another one for tools. Tossed a bunch of stuff. Found the speed and cadence sensor from the Garmin that the screen and buttons died on that precipitated the loaner. And well guess what. It means that I can use the White blue Frankenbike w/o excuse or missing miles on the garmin. Hell I could even probably program some sort of workout and just follow the beeping prompts. I mean i put the bike together last week - have ridden it, once? all for the purpose of getting on the trainer. Weather this bad, heck i'd be commuting but just going for a ride in this cold wet bullshit isn't fun. How long will it take for me to get the trainer set up?

Guess we'll see. Should take bets on it, proceeds go towards Magical Strings, or my new fence, fuck it - i'm still working - forget about me.

Was funny, my mom and stepdad were actually incredibly nervous about getting up there in front of everyone live on the internet. These are people who've been playing on stage together for 41 years, and a little live facebook concert gave them the jitters. Me, mr hide from a car driving down the street, duck behind a post to avoid seeing someone i might know on the street, has no problem being live on stage, on the internet, in front of a group, whatever. I suppose I was forced to reconcile this at a pretty damn early age, performing is just whatever. Teaching, sales, support, Zoom, nerves don't seem to factor too much into it.

Probably part of that whole brain wiring.

Me being all fucking weird and different.

Damn - it is late. Well late to start dinner. Did a minor shopping run on Saturday night. Picked up cheese and thirty pounds of flour. Was going to do the big shopping trip tomorrow morning but meetings all popped up. Hoping to make it one more day before venturing back to the big shopping store and stocking back up again.

Beans and rice and chicken last night, might make chili tonight, it is that or make some breakfast for dinner but then we'll be totally out of eggs, again. If I can't get enough of a few things I'll have to go back to once a week trips. Will see what kind of limitations are in place at the store. I think they might be just written and not register limited. Might test the waters a bit on that if it comes to it.

Hope y'all are staying safe, it is still pretty fucking scary out there. A wild world eh?

heddwch
G

167... 167

that number might mean something to some people -

not many - probably a bike shop person..

boom

brain is kind of full of the stuff now

i'm sure tomorrow will purge most of it ugh

interesting day

another one on the bike - this is kind of the anti-last week

tomorrow doesn't look good but maybe it is good for a trainer shake down attempt, dig out the old worn bib shorts, see how a flat bar works on a trainer

we'll see if i have the energy for that tho

took a tiny nap today - almost slept through class, that would have been bad...

cold out there - windy

this is April?

Strange shit man... strange...

i got no new content - i'm module and quizzed out -

fridge is dangerously empty too - not sure about this being able to go 2 weeks bullshit, i'll need to stock up on different stuff, some of the stuff I got last big trip haven't been touched, even though specifically requested.  Oh well - pantry will be fucking PERFECTLY STOCKED - in another couple trips... maybe...  still adjusting to the new plan...

stay well

be careful

be kind

heddwch
G

not sure

listening to Bon Iver after dinner doing work has been the best idea i've had in a while

but it fits my mood, enjoying it even if it isn't making anything better and probably just making it worse

but damn this shit is beautiful

"lean into it"

https://gravel.shimano.com/en-us/explore/unknown-country
Give it a watch, it hits both these boxes for me perfectly:
✅Inspirational
✅Motivational

Youtube direct link

or just hit play below and go full screen and tag alone for the ride.

There's a lot to unpack here.

But maybe best left all unsaid.

I miss that big goal that was the Michigan Coast to Coast ride for last year...  Holding out hope for 24HOGG, but not much to be honest. So little hope that it is tough to motivate to do the work, esp since, as I recently mentioned, a big part of that work was racing mountain bikes.

I got the goofy frankenbike together, sure it isn't THAT goofy, but the position is strange, so upright. Calling it my old man bike maybe. Had a bitching tailwind heading to the shop this morning, felt great. Heading home, it was raining and the wind had picked up even more, it was a wet slog and a struggle. But gears, and all were nice. Fenders would have been better. But hey you don't need fenders on a bike getting put in a trainer.

The rain hasn't really let up.

At least the wind isn't too bad right now, hopefully haven't spoken too soon and this next front doesn't pack any strong winds.

We're gonna jump into pouring a shit ton of money into a fence. A fucking fence. Why? because we have one and this crazy postage stamp parcel we're slowly paying for kind of needs one, esp for the dogs. But it is what it is and if we don't do something, well, it is gonna start looking uglier and uglier from this side.

How temporal was the inspiration and motivation from the Unknown Country?

Refocus G, refocus...

it is all getting to me maybe...

I'm still bothered by the rainman thing, constantly using it to measure my response to everything, an awareness that isn't productive or helpful... 

spinning around, kind of feel like i'm hanging on the end of a rope, and spinning. spreading out slows it down but there is this overwhelming inertia and nothing to lean into, energy and space and nothing but the rope...  "Let go of the rope" more terrifying than not having anything to lean into. And then what direction will I go flying if I do, it is dark, can't see a thing...

gonna keep holding on, work with what is here...

and now i have to figure out what to make for dinner...

heddwch
G

Start the day with

Cup of coffee - and this:

so.
fucking.
good.

Sun is shining - reggae is hot, Cudi's pursuit of Happiness is a suit to put on and tackle the day.

Birds are singing and zoom's around the corner. Another cup of coffee, new pot, fill thermos and head out on Frankenbike.

Was wicked wired all night trying to sleep, kept waking up, or feeling like i was waking up, maybe i was just dreaming actively or something.

stay well - amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch
G

Went for a bike ride

And that changed everything.

Even though it was just a quick trip into work to upload data off one of the microscopes.

It felt great.

Had a couple solid Zoom meetings.

And kid was making some pot-stickers (they made the wrappers and the stuffing and all from scratch HOLY SHIT SO GOOD).

I got done with everything and thought, fuck it. Lets do this.

Do what?

FRANKENBIKE CHALLENGE

So I had the white blue set up with some stuff off of a Trek Pilot that was gonna be tossed, it just had surface rust. I had put the drivetrain (well chain and rear wheel and cassette) on the White Blue, and put the bars on it too. Hooked it up, left the brakes alone and just made it work. Rode it a few times. Then someone I knew was looking for a super inexpensive road bike to try and well, it fit them and so the stuff came off the white blue and they have a working bike.

Now it was the trainer, now no trainer bike. And what is everyone doing now? Riding the trainer. No I don't have zwift, we've been over that. But fuck it - i can start doing some Death Magnetic intervals or whatever.

Had to dig really wanted to use the XC Pro thumbshifters I have (but couldn't find them). Did find my Deore thumbs from my '89 Raleigh Chill MTB. My first mountain bike. Bonus? They had Gore cables on the rear that worked perfectly, i think maybe i already had it on this bike with a flat bar - or some bike, whatever bike that was.

Had this Kore bar and stem and some XT v-brake levers that i've been thinking about putting on the White blue, and well, after a bike ride, and someone else making dinner? Motivated.

Made it happen.

Dug out an old chain and cassette, hopefully matched. I should re-up the drivetrain for the Crockett when I go back to gears on that bike anyway. It already had the XC Pro cold forged pre-microdrive crankset on there (180s), and the rear der and the XTR V-brakes.

I didn't have a rear brake cable for the flat bar levers, turns out a Road brake cable works.  Kind of.

The rear wheel is the sketchiest part. Hopefully it holds up. And the tires. Oof. Somehow there was a worn but not dead set of 23s hanging up. Not sure where they are from. Durano Plus. narrow rear rim. Couldn't get them on with a 35-44 tube. Took the 18 tube out of the back of the Black blue (it has 28s on a wide rim) and put the 35-44 tube in there and the 18 into this. Yes, i fought it for 30 min. Managed to stuff the same tube in the front, but it was a mm or two wider. Rims, they make a difference.

Really need a better wheel. Probably could just get a new chain and cassette and use a pair of LX rapidfire 9sp shifters I have but fuck it - friction is close enough for this kind of work.

So, build up and ready to go. Where? I dunno. But maybe head in to the shop tomorrow - catch up on a few things with an open morning schedule, fix the rear brake, hopefully make it there and back on this bike before the rains and maybe get it on the trainer this week.

Totally forgot to watch that movie thing that debuted today (go over to velocb's blog to catch the link).

Pedals are what I had laying around, not sure where they came from, but they work with SPDs.

Looking for a skinny tube (found one - with a hole in it - threw it away - after taking the valve core out) I did find the trailer hitch and my M535s so maybe i'll swap out the pedals.

Kind of tired - holy shit it is late to be still kind of totally up and sort of functional.

Oops.

Gonna have to wash my hands one more time, the rear tire on the Black Blue was DIRTY. Fucking rim brakes.

From the collapsed rubble we will rebuild even better this time.

or something

looking forward to keeping the momentum up for a bit here.
I guess fleet week picks up again tomorrow.

heddwch
G

Oh - you want a photo?

lump on a chair

drinking coffee, tired from everything, it is a gorgeous day, cool start, and I think i should go ride.

think part, odd, i think i want to but i'm just sitting here, motivation. last week there was that strava route to follow.

I guess I could try it again and see if I can do it faster...  not enticing. I could go and see if I can put my own route together and maybe not get too lost.

getting in the car and going for a ride just doesn't seem all that appealing tbh

and we had a ton of rain and snow over the last week, esp friday night and saturday.

but i sit

it is pretty well documented that I do best with some extrinsic motivation, some goals, some accountability, someone to ride with... lots of reasons why i put it all together in '13.

I'm sure if i was on zwift i'd be able to get addicted to that shit, i'm not.

local little trails don't drain all that well. I guess I could head out on the road. but why, to what aim.

certainly would be easier to get out if quarantined with a fellow cyclist, but nope, not this house.

maybe i should just work on a project or two... 

finished Dog Stars yesterday.

written a lot like this

good, interesting, dramatic, sad, with a happy ending. life ain't like that shit.

not sure what to do...  last year's Mi Coast to Coast goal was hugely motivating. 24 HOGG should be too but isn't so much yet because of the doubt and the plan to prepare for that was to race the Marathon EFTA series or at least race a few of them and a bunch of other races. I guess maybe I can say I had a big ride last sunday, spent this week off mostly, maybe today as well and go into next week after a lull and rebuild. Maybe work on setting up the trainer. Maybe that's what needs to happen today. At least make it possible to ride the trainer. If I can't zwift maybe I can at least I can start in on a few workouts beyond just the required commutes.

But first

more coffee

heddwch
G

PANCAKES

I still kind of don't eat breakfast unless I'm going for a long ride before lunch.

Drink coffee, slowly wake up, get shit done. Eventually eat food.

Steve posted his skillet cakes and well that got me thinking and down the links to see if i had one up.

I have a handful up, current evolution? Nope.

Basic principles from here still apply, aka instructions and order and all that.

Quantities have changed.

Today's batch:
6 medium eggs
mix
1.5 cup whole milk (more later to get batter to correct consistency)
1 cup whole plain biodynamic yogurt
1/3 cup flaxseed meal
2 tsp salt
2 tsp vanilla extract
mix
1 cup rolled oats
mix (to get them started soaking up the stuff)

1.5 cups whole wheat flour
1.5 cups AP flour
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
2 tbsp cinnamon
mix well - adjust with milk if too thick
let stand while melting
6-7 tbsp butter (unsalted w/o natural flavor added)

mix melted butter in - adjust thickness of batter again with milk if needed

Add 1 cup chocolate chips (add after hot melted butter is mixed in)

cook em up.

--

Skillet cakes often are made with left over batter.

I'll take maybe 2 cups of that batter, add some muesli, frozen blueberries - a bit more milk then cook it up in a 12" omelet pan all at once. 

if making skillet cakes up just as a single batch - 1-2 eggs, lately 2 medium ones, then milk and yogurt or just milk - some flaxseed meal and then whatever else a little this, a little that, nuts, seeds, frozen fruit, choco chips, muesli, whatever seems to make sense. Toss it in the pan, cook while getting bike stuff together, cut into quarters, bag uneaten sections to stuff in jersey pocket for the ride.

There are rules but that's kind of the thing, years and years of following the rules, understanding, paying attention to what it looks like, knowing what is critical, how if you deviate a bit in one direction it will impact the end result.

Also, don't start writing up the recipe while cooking pancakes, you're likely to over cook a few like i have this morning.

I was going to ride today - but it is raining, cold there is snow on the ground, and i don't want to work in the basement wearing wet clothes. And I don't feel so bad about that right now.

catch ya later,
heddwch
G

Q-Day what?

Losing count of the days. Not sure how long it has been since i've ridden my bike.

life continues though, busy as fucking ever.

there seem to be very few people who are plugging along perfectly right now.

two camps as Dave said to me the other day, everyone is either way busier than normal and overwhelmed or completely bored.

I'm def all about the first.

Life is insane, no?

Wound up and down

I'm sitting here, wondering, what did I spend all day doing?

Why am I drawing a blank?

Oh.

Right.

Non-stop.

What day is it?

my wife had a problem with that today - i had every reminder it was tuesday, all day.

last night i read this

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-features/john-prine-last-days-beautiful-life-tribute-family-friends-bonnie-raitt-981646/

deep, touching, really good

This morning, restless night but slept in a bit, felt good, woke up much better off than yesterday.

Watched a PhD defense on Zoom drinking coffee then tackled the fence. That fucker is HEAVY. Got the tall strong crew kid to help. Needed it. Got the flattened section upright and braced. Eventually. Will probably hold until we get another storm like yesterday's then def flatten all over again.

Took a bit longer than expected. Had to scramble for better bracing posts. It let go at least once, I think in total we lifted it up 3 times. It feels like we have a super tiny lot. But there's like 180' of fence. One rough quote was mind boggling. Have two people coming out on Friday to do an exact full estimate. I really hope they come way under the over the phone one.

Then I went out and spent more on groceries in one day that I have maybe ever. It was a lot of cash. Oof. But less than I've heard people spend and there are 4 of us and I bought some more expensive staples that we were out of and bought more of them than I usually would. I did forget a few things, I wore gloves only because I didn't want to decontaminate the car. It worked. Mask worked, well it stayed on my face.

the one way things on the aisles were mostly working, but not really.

Took longer to wait in line because again i got stuck with the woman who had to unload one item at a time and had a really full cart and what turned out to be three different orders in one carriage. Better than the woman in the other line that had two full carriages of bags when she was done.

Got home, the kids had done a little bit of cleanup in the backyard, might as well try and get started after ignoring it for a while. Need to re-organize it a bit, clean up a bunch of stuff too. 

After a deep dive into the city's waste and pick up plan it looks like no more curbside yard waste pick up is happening. But can drop it off at the city composting center between 8 and 2. Add that to the list. Van has just become a trash/compost hauler. Curbside pick up used to include bulky items. No more, But can drop it all off at the DPW lot in the designated area. Hauling shit time eh!

Bike riding? HAHAHAHA was gonna do that today,  get the trainer out.

BUT between this morning's physical stuff - the stress and fun shopping - followed by some intense raking and moving shit in the back yard, i'm totally gassed and flattened.

Kids are making dinner.

I'm trying to gather some strength.

Work through a few things, plan a few others and get a few words out of my head.

Maybe  this is the last of the web logs, of the old kind, the original style.

Gotta make it all work I guess.

the words - being different and all the mountain of crap to deal with.

heddwch
G

well that kind of went weird

So, class happened, only forgot one thing to do before hand, have 24 hours to get that and some other stuff done.

But the storm moved in and walloped us. Literally. Fence is flattened. A couple? years ago now I went through and braced it after a hurricane or something like this. Well fuck it all if one section just didn't totally flatten. Gonna see if i can get it upright tomorrow enough to keep the dogs from wandering into the other yard. Will look for quotes on fencing I guess tomorrow.

Feeling physically a little better though so that's nice.

Tired as all fuck still. I did manage to brace one section a bit more in the middle of the storm so i don't have to fix that one too.

made delicious food for dinner...  tomorrow's old plan has been scrapped - new plan starts...

when I wake up... gonna be a fun day, oh -bonus: shopping - need to replenish the perishables, we'll see what a week has done to supply.

I mean i could have been feeling like shit because i was in caloric/macronutrient debt from the long ass MTB ride...  and eating a ton of food today helped.

the dinner was a wee bit salty, need to get some water in me before my eyes dry shut and I really can't see anything.

at the bottom of the list tomorrow is to drag out the trainer. Need to start doing something more regular like w/o the commute.

good luck in your trench whatever form it might take, lets get through this and ride bikes together when it is over.

heddwch
G

another monday

rolls around

along with it is a bitching storm. rain. winds.

and me feeling like absolute shit.

tired, again sleep was rough - probably too much coffee, proximity, availability and exhaustion contribute to elevated consumption and well guess what - this circle sucks.

Add a long slow bike ride to the mix yesterday, and being woken up by one fucked up dream/nightmare at 4am and then being unable to sleep after and then fucking headache started up nice and early.

I hope the fence holds up with these gusts.

lecture actually looks good looking at the slides, i wish we'd had a week on the scopes so it would all fit together, but as each monday rolls around it is one week closer to the end. Super happy not to have to worry about teaching in the fall, at this point I'd just cancel the course if I was. Maybe we'll be back to normal by January as far as classes go. My guess is that research will be back sooner.

But who knows. E made a comment that most colleges are losing money on tuition and only making ends meet with room and board, they are basically running fancy resorts for kids between high school and jobs.  Kind of true, another person mentioned the issues high ed is having are nothing new, it is all held together with paper clips and bubble gum and the pandemic is just accelerating the changes.

me and the dog - both of us stretched out - she's sleeping, i wish i was.

the ride yesterday was good, followed the GPS on the garmin, wasn't easy but as long as I was going slow it worked. Could I do the route faster having a better idea of where I was going? probably. Could I do it Syl fast? no. Lots of reasons, but it doesn't matter. I had fun, i go my speed. i ride my bike, it isn't a $7+k 22 pound XC machine...   but it fits and i like it. Rode a section cleanly that i only had once before, that was good. I only got turned around a little bit. But my brain wasn't quiet. riding at my pace meant i was chilling, not going fast enough to shut down the ah lets think for a bit.

hopefully the power stays on for lecture, there are warnings about it right now, esp since it is just going to get worse and worse... 

really want something positive to spin, to latch on to, to lever myself out of this malaise.

maybe that most of the people i know haven't gotten sick? or if they have the are asymptomatic?

that's pretty awesome, but the whole time i'm thinking "that can't last" i mean i hope it does but optimism isn't generally my thing

guess i should just take a shower, get out of my robe, eat some lunch and get back to working on class stuff. do what i do, just keep moving

heddwch
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20 min

a great interval, which is what i'm going to be doing to get ready to leave the house by 8am.

chuch

dirt church

this time i have a route loaded in the garmin (i think)

house is quiet

weird ass dreams last night

and realizing i've been actually pretty bothered by the realization and all that with the Rainman thing. My hyper focus, intolerance of repetitive noises (chewing), the absolute lack of social understanding and small talk and interaction. It takes a ridiculous amount of mental focus to mimic normal people interacting.

s'why i like bikes, probably why i like and find peace assembling the new ones

explains the dichotomy

everyone's been nice enough, guess i'm functional enough, but it oddly has been bugging me, a funk,

need something to turn me around, need that study pole at the apex of the turn to grab on and slingshot me around...  but it is dark, can't see the course, no idea if i reach out and grab something if it will swing me around a turn or take me out flat into the fencing.


so i'm going to go ride my bike

it is not warm this morning but it is above freezing...

i'm going to go surf some dirt, on the waves that are slowing becoming familiar, i know the break, but i haven't figured out the pattern yet, the individual waves are familiar but the pattern, linking it all together, can't get lost but knowing how it connects gives you more autonomy. I don't need or really want the autonomy, but the pandemic dictates that you must be alone, and so I go.

maybe actually starting to feel alone...

isolated

the little canadian mayflowers are starting to poke up through the leaves, it is a great time of year to be in the woods

and shit - down to 12 minutes

amor fati motherfuckers
heddwch
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Songs and lyrics eh?

Pulled these up, many times singing along with the lyrics at the top of my lungs, never really stopping to pull out the full meaning... or one of the meanings:

Must it take a life for hateful eyes
To glisten once again
Five hundred years like Gelignite
Have blown us all to hell
What savior rests while on his cross we die
While forgotten freedom burns
Has the Shepard led his lambs astray
To the bigot and the gun
Must it take a life for hateful eyes
To glisten once again
'Cause we find ourselves in the same old mess
Singin' drunken lullabies
I watch and stare as Rosin's eyes
Turn a darker shade of red
And the bullet with this sniper lie
In their bloody gutless cell
Must we starve on crumbs from long ago
Through bars these men made steel
Is it a great or little thing we fought
Knelt the conscience blessed to kill
Must it take a life for hateful eyes
To glisten once again
'Cause we find ourselves in the same old mess…

I think this is our destiny, finding ourselves in the same old mess.

F'n Stevil called me Rainman this morning. I laughed then was kind of hit with the, holy fuck he's right. Followed by the fuck, it is early in Cali...  shit. Except man I wish i could actually remember shit and count cards and that kind of stuff. My synapses in the brain are definitely firing way higher than normal, and that's good for somethings, but mostly it tips over into dysfunction more than hyper function. Esp growing up.

Drinking kind of knocked it down a bit - made me normal, drunk synapses DGAF, but, somehow they didn't stay fucked up when i stopped, they all mostly figured out how to work again and left me back in the pre-drinking awkward phase of shit and without the decades of having to figure shit out w/o the aid of chemicals. It makes sense, too much fucking sense. Not enough sense to start drinking. Watching people talk more about being a day drinker, alcohol sales in the last month have doubled adding facts to the claims.

but rainman...  Stevil had the story up on the IG with the tiny clown and a screw.. he put up there "wanna screw" and my stupid brain instantly transported me to 10th grade geometry class, sitting in the desk in front of Christine, fiddling with the desk before class started there was a loose screw, i removed it and turned around and naively offered it to her saying "Wanna screw?" She turned bright red, and i was bewildered for a bit...

Had a really strange dream. Of course I was falling down tired at 6pm, then we watched 'Making the Cut' as a family and i was wide awake until 11pm. And right on cue I was up at 6am.  Tried to fall back asleep, after a dozen times of trying I got up just after 7. Have managed to waste a good hour or so drinking coffee and internetting and mostly being completely unproductive other than getting the proper morning coffee dose up in and showing my true colors and unintentionally harassing people on the internets.

Best get my shit together and go get the rest of the sold bikes built and start working ahead a bit. Shop's are closed but still selling bikes, by appointment and online.

But the basement alone is a good place for Rainman.

hopefully i can get there before the path gets a bit crowded.

Oops - hopefully I can remember to post this before leaving it as a draft all day.

heddwch
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Stay Vulnerable

I kind of alluded to it yesterday.

Leave it to John Prine to have the words. "Stay Vulnerable"

Was woken up at 4am, took a while to fall back asleep. Haven't been setting an alarm because I've been waking up so early.

Finally woke up with the opening salvo of a caffeine withdrawal headache and the clock saying 8:50.

So much for getting up early, getting into the lab and locking the scope down, shutting the air off on that air table and getting over to the shop to build the bikes. I'm still doing all that but time has been tweaked by a few hours.

And that just has to be okay. Plans are adjustable. Life is flexible. I'm not happy with myself for missing this but I'm mostly feeling bad that I said i'd be in early and I'm just now finishing up at the lab.

And reading a Times article.

And posting about it.

it is windy as hell out there right now. A solid West North West wind. Meaning roaring headwind on the approach to that TT segment after a headwind all the way there.

At least the bike path was pretty much mostly empty on the way here.

Maybe more later, we'll see how it shakes out...

hewddwch
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turning toward the morning

Long before I ever heard John Prine I had Gordon Bok's songs all memorized.

And there was one LP I would put on repeat and repeat - Captain Hawkins Choice. The line drawing art on the jacket, and the songs would captivate me. Ultimately became part of me.

A lot of the songs are about the sea, and yes the sailing and the water was me growing up, I've talked about it all in the past.

One song that always gets me, always brings me to tears is The Golden Vanity... there was actually a scratch in the record that jumped a touch, and was on the tape i recorded from it. 9 holes all at once were compressed together. I also always thought Gordon was saying Manatee...  And digging into this a bit more that sensitive empathetic side comes out in how he tweaked the words. Instead of the cabin boy sinking his own ship after the captain refused to take him up as per the original, he bowed his head and sank down himself rather than kill his fellow sailors.

I guess it says a bit about me - eh?

--

Stepped away from the computer, got really tired. Suddenly, being on here sitting here talking here, interacting here, grading here, planning here, in this chair, non-stop all day, took a bit more out of me than expected. And my butt is sore. This location isn't great either.

It is 7pm and I am ready for more coffee.

And a bike ride but no way i'm heading out now.

I accidentally made tomorrow more complicated than I had planned, we'll see how it works though. On the good side i'll be on the bike, which bike? probably the cranky slow singlespeed surly. Maybe even re-tension the chain, although I think i need to look at the chainring - might be a bit worn.

thoughts were organized - the song, turning towards the morning, the cycle of life, seasons, bloom and fade - then i faded

things are crazy - everyone is dealing with life differently now, some struggle more than others. And many are lucky, they are still working, still pulling in a paycheck, life still goes on, just differently. It doesn't mean those lucky ones aren't having a difficult time and it doesn't mean that they aren't aware of how much everyone else is struggling. You can compare, but don't project your comparison, or voice it or say how lucky someone is, they may be borderline depressed and that is going to make it worse.

What we can do, is keep doing. Focus on what we can control. do as much as can be done for those around you even if it isn't much - do what you can do. Survive, get through. Call, write the politician folks, work the grassroots side of things, whatever it takes to steer this country back away from Fascism. Forget socialism, i'd take a normal functioning capitalistic democracy/republic over this current nightmare.

I'm trying. But i'm caught in the i'm exhausted loop with way too much to do and so I'm still, like always, just getting what has to be done done in the last minute. Wishing i could tick away at the list of shit. Like maybe get the desk set up, or get the trainer out, clean up a space or two that need it.

Tomorrow is crazy but I hope maybe will help reset a little, find a bit more balance, try to repeat Saturday, go get lost in Big River again on Sunday and then get ready for next week.

Fleet week is on hold - I really don't think I want to make an attempt at the Strava TT, as much as a 50+ mile ride sounds great right now, it also sounds kind of like a really dumb idea, at least heading out in that direction.

Every once in a while i'll catch a headline that is crushingly sad and terrifying. I don't like it. But life goes on and life can be terrible.

And the sun will come up, turn toward the morning, get through this, the darkness is falling as the flowers are blooming and the summer unfolds, hold strong, we're tough, tenacious, we won't lose our compassion or our empathy...

this won't break us and we'll make it through...

amor fati motherfuckers
heddwch
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Sad night

Sad morning.

Just before falling asleep I head the news that John Prine passed away. When word came out last week that he was moved to the ICU due to Covid-19, well I feared the worst, was heartbreaking to find out. Then it was reported that he had stabilized and I had hope, he fought and beat cancer, he can fight this, he can make it and write us all some more songs.

Now he's having a Vodka and Ginger ale and smoking a cigarette 9 miles long.

The afterlife is nothing more than a placating fiction that we make up to stave of the fear and anxiety of the end. More to comfort those of us left behind i think.

I don't really know him, I know his songs, and I listen to his stuff quite a bit to be honest, sing along with him, admire the mind that can keep all those words straight and in order and repeat them, to write them. To tell the stories he does on stage.

His projected humility...

The Colbert piece that was posted last week, an unreleased duet, it brought me to tears then, haven't tried to listen to it till now.

That's the way the world goes round, up one day down the next...

It is raining, and at least it isn't snowing, but i still think of this song... back on youtube for a little bit - no actual video performance but the performance is still there:

Life goes on, i'll take the rain today...

heddwch
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what is it masking

Leave it to the US to finally start wearing masks but not bother to use them properly.

To not make sure that they at least are filtering something, not just catching large droplets leaving your mouth. And sure that's something but fluid dynamics will show that aerosols will escape with the air - through the large openings in the sides of your poorly worn mask.

If you were breathing through it properly, then pull it down by the front, guess what, that shit is all over your hands.

Once you start using it, home-made or not, you have to assume the exterior is contaminated.

If you touch it you'll saturate that part of the mask and allow the stuff to move through and past the filtering fabric/material to the clean side potentially (low probability but is this something you want to play with).

pulling the mask down and then back up - don't do that. Leave it on or take it off, don't put it on and off.

It was good though the trip to the store. A line outside. Still crowded inside, but mask, gloves, and waiting for people to clear the space worked. Got a shit ton of stuff, double the normal of somethings to hold off needing to go back again any time soon. Probably missing a few things, hopefully won't need to return and can make due.

The shelves were close to being back to stocked normally. There was flour, plenty of eggs, even toilet paper.

It was a gorgeous day and I spent it driving around, working or working and looking outside. And then it was time to cook dinner.

Tomorrow I have to go to work, actually go in, i'm excited. AND it might be raining so maybe the path will be clear! THAT IS EVEN MORE EXCITING.

Gotta remember the list of shit i need to do, i keep forgetting one or two little things, like bring home one of the really long ethernet cables so i can work somewhere other than where I am. Still haven't made that damn desk for the basement, not sure i can get the cable all the way down there anyway.

i just wanted to get the mask thing out there - out of my head - do it here instead of twitter - best not to push a button and have it blow up and cause me to over-react. I'm actually treading a thin line at the moment with one comment i added.

whatever - there's a happy hour zoom riding the trainer drinking thing happening right now, even if my bike was on the trainer i'm not sure i want to join a bunch of folks and be the sober one... it is one thing being the sober one with old friends, nothing changes, but the social anxiety is too much for new people. And, my bike isn't on the trainer, no space to ride it or place to put the laptop and pedal, logistics. all with a solution. and me with no motivation and a solid anti-social disincentive.

And to think i'm feeling lonely and missing something - not sure what exactly.

But tomorrow is a new day - i'm tired - managed to keep coffee intake light - but now i'm tired. What I'm finding is on light days i have to get up earlier to get more in there or the headaches threaten, and then sometimes i'll add a later cup and then be awake. pendulum swinging back and forth, at least it is moving instead of being stuck in the static high coffee intake zone.

wish i'd ridden today. but there's always tomorrow.

we hope.

be well

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch
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it is bigger than sport

So I took a bit of a youtube trip tonight. That CX Hairs 1.1 thing was only mildly traumatizing, and I'm only barely over a week into non-stop zooming.

And it is true - if you password protect your zoom, the password is in the link. Super secure folks.

So yeah - i didn't copy the link to that CX hairs... but at least it was short.

I did wind up watching this afterwards.

Ya know I am a huge fan of Lac and Alex and the whole Gone Racing program. So cool to see these guys get it. And to do it and to document some crazy shit that I love and relate to. I've written about it here a fair bit - no need to really repeat.

Okay now the delima

need to ride today - probably should get on the bike and just spin for a bit, but where, which bike, DUNNO.

ARGH here I sit contemplating that instead of just getting dressed and out the door before the first meetings of the day start. 

Being an antisocial introvert is awesome in these dire times of stress and worry and stay at home orders. 

But I'm also struggling with motivation, caught in the overwhelming level of little things do to. I keep tackling a few here and there but not even noticable. 

it is strange - do i delve more into this? of why things just aren't quite right? probably not.

I should just kit up, and grab the bike and just go for a quick ride - maybe to RISD farm and the beach. 

And now the morning pot of coffee is empty (i didn't finish it). I guess I should make another pot of coffee, fill up the travel mug and go for a ride, drink the coffee at the beach and come back. 

Super weird dream. I had just gotten back from something, foreign power had invaded and taken over, laws and rules changed, guerilla shit and all that and there was this building, mall like place, tiny stands filling it up, I have a $30, in two bills, and I'm naked running around looking for food, all the stalls are closed, but one, it isn't that late but worked my way around poked my head into the stall to see not food but a photo studio, woman asks if I want a portrait taken, i say just looking for food while covering my junk with two bills, she says it is worship service time, laws of the new regime say you can't eat or sell food during the service but you don't have to attend. 

Okay - make coffee - ride bike - get clean - sit in front of computer video conference cam.

heddwch

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Don't come closer or I'll have to go

A line from this:

but really the best thing on the internet right now other than this:

so good
https://xkcd.com/2287/

Is this

That got me a bit misty listening to it this morning.

what a day

Squirrels were back, the hot chili oil I painted on everything dissuaded them from chewing up more shingles but the massive thunderstorm that rolled through last night after that knocked most of it all off. But I did have a live trap on the roof with some peanut butter. It was empty but the rain didn't wash the bait off and shortly after the chewing started I had one of the pair.

Now I'm going to assume squirrels do the whole pairing up thing, you know for reproduction and shit. The last time this happened I was able to keep em out well enough or soon enough that they hadn't settled on a space. These two were locked in and determined to get in.

The hold still trap as my brother calls em (hold still while they get dispatched) worked and cool, just ride em up the bike path.

it was a good run

that sense of finally having things come together...  kind of figures... took a pandemic to fuck it up though, can't feel too bad about that, def not alone but still... sigh...

eh? yeah it is selfish to feel this way, but I'm def feeling more depressed than I have in a REALLY long time. And that's saying a good bit.

I could complain but I won't. I'll say that having misophonia in a small house with loud eaters is not helping.

wave two

So, the wave of uncertainty hit a crescendo today. 

Crushing grip of panic and anxiety. 

Kicked off by what was supposed to be a reassuring email from work.

Funny getting the email while I was at the bike shop getting things in order for tomorrow's return to working the second job. 

Pausing to try to capture this moment of physical oh shit, arms tingling and stuff. 

It is now 5 hours later. I've talked with my mother. A childhood friend that I don't remember, if not a friend well my mother's friend's son, died from the virus. 

He died alone. 

That didn't help my panic. 

It transformed it though.

Watched making the cut as a family tonight. Finally something everyone could agree on. But if course we watched two episodes back to back... And there are only two episodes right now.

I'm still writing this on my phone. Other devices are in different rooms. 

I wanted to write about the start of Fleet week, but I might stop with it for a bit. Maybe tomorrow is a day for a break. If I don't ride, can't break the streak. 

And ffs I was doing so damn well. 

And here I am, no masks. And completely freaking out. 

Maybe I'll wake up and be able to write.

Right now I'm kind of at a loss.

A really low point. 

Have to rally, really just have to try and sleep.

I can rally tomorrow. 

Heddwch 

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