eh? yeah it is selfish to feel this way, but I'm def feeling more depressed than I have in a REALLY long time. And that's saying a good bit.
I could complain but I won't. I'll say that having misophonia in a small house with loud eaters is not helping.
I haven't been sleeping. Last night wasn't anything different. BP too high because brain was anxious, or too much coffee or coffee too late or nothing calming before trying to sleep. Eventually fell asleep. Fitful, poor quality, until this morning at 5:45 or so when the squirrels woke up and decided to try and break back into the house. E woke me up out of a deep sleep to deal with them. I did, they came back, i said fuck it and made coffee, got dressed and went outside to drink coffee for an hour or so as the sun climbed into the sky. And late last night Dirt Church got moved due to the impending rain.
Not so much impeding, it is raining now, supposed to keep raining. I skipped the bike shop today, planning on tomorrow. But the gov'nr today put in place more severe shelter in place restrictions. All businesses not deemed critical have to close and it looks like bike shops aren't on the exception list, but maybe? Probably that'll be closed. So hey, guess I don't have to stress about making time to get in and build bikes while still working remotely.
Feeling fortunate that the class is going to be so time consuming.
I should start making dinner, but i just finished doing everyone's dishes. At least for the most part it seems like I'm alone in the house, i can take over the kitchen table, put ear buds in and not hear anything else.
Not sure how Dirt Church fits into the stay at home shelter in place order. Guess I'll let someone else devote mental energy to that.
or not funny - just the title i guess thinking about Dirt Church...
Of course dog that hates the rain had to go out, i stopped, let her out only to see the Stache sitting out in the rain where I left it when I got home. Damnit.
Brought it in.
Turned the oven on.
Four very different ideas for eating, someone always seems to object to some aspect of dinner. Kid 1 still hasn't figured out the portion thing, or how much L and I eat.
There were sweet potatoes last night - i'm thinking some home fry/cubed potatoes and some chicken (dry rubbed thighs) maybe caramelize some carrots, kid said "we had potatoes yesterday" no we had sweet potatoes, these are different. Other kid would eat pasta for lunch and dinner every day, as long as there were no tomatoes to be found in it.
I'm back. Potatoes are in the oven (425 convec) cubed and seasoned with sage, salt and black pepper, tossed with EVOO and then put in two sheet pans in the oven (with a GeWilli proprietary non-stick coating). Chicken is in the pan, dusted with some smoked paprika, sage and chili powder, cooking in EVOO and bacon rendering.
We had a massive pile of salad last night, people have been eating veggies all day - they can have some carrots or something as an app or make a salad if they want.
It is late. I know. But so what? I think tomorrow is sunday. I hope the fucking squirrels are hunkered down somewhere else and not looking to resume destroying the house if it is raining in the morning. I'd take the pellet gun out but the angle isn't great. Sure I am a very good shot, should be able to hit the fucker pretty easily. HOWEVER that's not how this shit works, always have to think about what happens if you miss, where's the round going... too high of a population density to be comfortable with a high angle shot and they are rarely in a spot that I can get a safe shot.
I know lots of people are freaking out more than I am, have much more serious challenges. As of right now I am lucky, very lucky, but i don't like using the word luck, it implies too much chance, out of control. Indeed much of this is out of my direct control. I can't do anything more than I'm doing. But the stress and anxiety about the unknowns is not great. I've got pretty good coping mechanisms though. Will keep reaching into this bag of tricks to keep moving forward. Def going to have to making cutting back on coffee an action item for next week.
Somehow.
I mean it could be way worse - a fucking Tornado could be bearing down on us right now like is happening west of Pittsburg.
Perspective.
Patience.
Preparation.
Persistence.
Recognize that this shit is really actually fucking terrifying. The numbers here in the uS are bad and getting worse. I think much worse. Hopefully these measures of telling everyone to stay home will work to at least "flatten the curve" but also this is kind of like voting. It is only gonna work if everyone does it. And we all know how well this country does that.
There's a good part of my current feeling like shit simple from not enough sleep.
See writing about it makes me feel pretty fucking stupid for feeling depressed and i feel a little less so. Doesn't take much to point out the good, but it takes effort to consciously focus on it, writing is one good way to do that. Sort of meditative. Kind of. Not really but in a make sense put these amorphous clouds of darkness into works achieves that a bit and makes a tiny bit of difference.
So, thanks for bearing with me, also go read something else. I still can't figure out an easy way of going through 32 tabs as fast as I usually do, so i haven't been. And to be honest? I haven't had fucking time (well i suppose i could have done that while trying to fall asleep).
Remember:
Amor Fati Mothierfuckers
heddwch
G
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