feel pretty shitty that it is a problem, so trivial, mope about it for a bit, but now that it is identified well DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
Can I do something about it? Not without a massive cascade of negative impacts on other people. Am I willing to do that?
Nope.
Sulk...
look for options... none
Suck it up big boy, time to move on and try to make the best of what you've delt yourself.
Deep breath, lets get shit together and make stuff happen.
Although since nothing is really changed - the chance this will repeat again is absolutely assured. Maybe next time I'll have better mental tools. After all, life is about adding to the tool chest. A hammer and a screw driver can get a lot done, but it doesn't take long to realize if you're even partly aware that they might work, but they're doing as much collateral damage as fixing.
yeah - got out of the shower (late blah blah blah - i'll be at my first appointment on time and I've already gone through the emails) and brain was in good head space.
Maybe from thinking about the gallery show coming up at the end of January and logistics and trying to figure out how to get some demo dissecting scopes to complete the whole process of scale perception.
time to pedal. unfortunately - gonna have to take the assist, but it is a very welcome option for days like today!
heddwch
G
Wednesday, November 14, 2018
Tuesday, November 13, 2018
a passage in the book
It is a good book. Deals with a huge range of sexuality, gender and future and strangeness but well crafted so far. As a set up Soq is non-binary, gender neutral, they/them/their. Confusing for some old timers who aren't used to those words being singular pronouns.
Kind of a good meditation side of things eh?
I think perhaps there's some space for some meditation beyond what happens on the bike. Because that sometimes is meditative, sometimes the opposite.
Three-quarters of the way out the Arm, Soq stopped at a noodle stand. This one had little stools and a tarp on each side to keep some of the wind off. Soq was swallowed up in clouds of hot steam smelling of five-spice powder. Home was noodles. Home was food and warmth. Soq paid, took a stool, shut their eyes, and meditated on the moment, its beauty, its peace. The coldness of the wind and the warmth of the food and the fact that everyone eventually dies. Letting go of everything they did not have, every ugly thing they’d seen, every moment of pain they’d felt that day, the day before, every day to come.
Kind of a good meditation side of things eh?
I think perhaps there's some space for some meditation beyond what happens on the bike. Because that sometimes is meditative, sometimes the opposite.
Snapshots
That is what this is, remember. Moments.
Tailwind on the way home in the dark. The charge indicator on the headlight turned green literally about 2 seconds before I unplugged it.
Felt good on the bike.
Missing the bike.
Thought quite a bit more on the way home.
Got home, started working on dinner. Turned some music on. let it displace all the negative shit and just focused on cooking.
Felt much better. Dinner isn't what I planned, but it isn't terrible. The chicken wound up more Moroccan than Mexican, but on the salad it still works. Tasty.
I got thinking about the sausage tent sausage and stuff... lead me to think about how I never manage to show enough appreciation for somethings and excessive emphasis on stupid inconsequential shit. Shouldn't be a bit surprise esp since there's very little normal about me, normal/conventional/whatever.
okay - gonna do some reading i think... i could clean up but that takes too much energy, and it is at the where do I start point and if I start how do i stop and I just can't. So i'm going to read.
heddwch
G
Tailwind on the way home in the dark. The charge indicator on the headlight turned green literally about 2 seconds before I unplugged it.
Felt good on the bike.
Missing the bike.
Thought quite a bit more on the way home.
Got home, started working on dinner. Turned some music on. let it displace all the negative shit and just focused on cooking.
Felt much better. Dinner isn't what I planned, but it isn't terrible. The chicken wound up more Moroccan than Mexican, but on the salad it still works. Tasty.
I got thinking about the sausage tent sausage and stuff... lead me to think about how I never manage to show enough appreciation for somethings and excessive emphasis on stupid inconsequential shit. Shouldn't be a bit surprise esp since there's very little normal about me, normal/conventional/whatever.
okay - gonna do some reading i think... i could clean up but that takes too much energy, and it is at the where do I start point and if I start how do i stop and I just can't. So i'm going to read.
heddwch
G
waffling
Feeling pretty okay and functional.
Something really dumb derails me and I'm back down being miserable.
At least over the last 24 hrs or so it has been feeling a little better and better but still - like just now woosh onto the waffle iron, ouch
below the fold TL:DR "up and down and hopefully more up than down by the end of it"
Something really dumb derails me and I'm back down being miserable.
At least over the last 24 hrs or so it has been feeling a little better and better but still - like just now woosh onto the waffle iron, ouch
below the fold TL:DR "up and down and hopefully more up than down by the end of it"
Monday, November 12, 2018
yeah - it is monday
I'm more rested thanks to the early coffee cessation yesterday. And to DiPinto for drinking part of the pot I made at the shop while teaching the bike maintenance class.
I was dead tired early. Couldn't keep eyes open at 6pm. Struggled through making dinner, got in bed just after 8, read a little more, fell asleep.
Man was I off yesterday. Way way way off. Not much better today. Saw this earlier today and though yeah kind of right.
Can't really sort it out, just have to keep working on getting everything done.
Ride tomorrow is cancelled, not just because it is raining all day but that certainly makes it easier. now to figure out what to do with the day - probably just be back here catching up on stuff could be doing in the few minutes I'm writing this.
Not even quite sure how to describe it, chemically it is probably just nothing is firing in any of channels. Hey welcome to my world. Maybe this is still part of the re-adjustment to being with out the ETOH chemical influence and the downstream metabolites. Lets go with that. And stick with that I guess as the going plan and keep pushing through.
At least I'm recovered almost completely from that last cold. Tiny bit of nose stuffiness. Kind of wish I could clear out one of the days of the week when the weather isn't shitty but yeah, no dice.
Maybe I can scrounge a few hours anyway.
Also thinking about the bikes. Yeah I have that sweet Klein Qunatum Pro, and I love that bike, I like just seeing it hanging in the bike room. But riding it, not so much, maybe care too much for it, or the shit on there is old, the levers just don't feel super comfortable... The dead CX bikes were at least really good road bikes. until the cranks fell off. The white blue is trainer ready but not road ready (brakes) still down a crank on the black blue. The paramount needs a new fork, and the Crockett is an awesome CX bike but it sure ain't much for road and I'd have to change tires. But a road bike with only a 34t chainring kind of sucks. I made a 40t work for a year, but that was pretty spinny.
I took the orange tank out saturday, the big surly 1x1. lovely tall gear perfect for around here, good for riding on the road alone, not so much with others. Ah well.
plugging through, trying to make it work, life is crazy, for everyone yeah?
Time for lunch - writing in fits and starts probably reads pretty terribly - fortunately there aren't many reading it.
heddwch
G
I was dead tired early. Couldn't keep eyes open at 6pm. Struggled through making dinner, got in bed just after 8, read a little more, fell asleep.
Man was I off yesterday. Way way way off. Not much better today. Saw this earlier today and though yeah kind of right.
Depression is like airplane mode, but for people.— Brandon (@brandonlgtaylor) November 11, 2018
Can't really sort it out, just have to keep working on getting everything done.
Ride tomorrow is cancelled, not just because it is raining all day but that certainly makes it easier. now to figure out what to do with the day - probably just be back here catching up on stuff could be doing in the few minutes I'm writing this.
Not even quite sure how to describe it, chemically it is probably just nothing is firing in any of channels. Hey welcome to my world. Maybe this is still part of the re-adjustment to being with out the ETOH chemical influence and the downstream metabolites. Lets go with that. And stick with that I guess as the going plan and keep pushing through.
At least I'm recovered almost completely from that last cold. Tiny bit of nose stuffiness. Kind of wish I could clear out one of the days of the week when the weather isn't shitty but yeah, no dice.
Maybe I can scrounge a few hours anyway.
Also thinking about the bikes. Yeah I have that sweet Klein Qunatum Pro, and I love that bike, I like just seeing it hanging in the bike room. But riding it, not so much, maybe care too much for it, or the shit on there is old, the levers just don't feel super comfortable... The dead CX bikes were at least really good road bikes. until the cranks fell off. The white blue is trainer ready but not road ready (brakes) still down a crank on the black blue. The paramount needs a new fork, and the Crockett is an awesome CX bike but it sure ain't much for road and I'd have to change tires. But a road bike with only a 34t chainring kind of sucks. I made a 40t work for a year, but that was pretty spinny.
I took the orange tank out saturday, the big surly 1x1. lovely tall gear perfect for around here, good for riding on the road alone, not so much with others. Ah well.
plugging through, trying to make it work, life is crazy, for everyone yeah?
Time for lunch - writing in fits and starts probably reads pretty terribly - fortunately there aren't many reading it.
heddwch
G
Friday, November 09, 2018
Figures
Best laid plans and all that...
Kid was supposed to have an away soccer tournament, no one to be home with the dogs, no trip to NoHo. Too far for a day trip, but then maybe not, could be fun showing up saturday, not fun driving though. But with that trip and them being gone all weekend I scheduled a Park Tool School Class for Sunday.
Get home, "tournament is cancelled"
so Saturday of sleeping in after they all leave super early, not so much just me hanging out, relaxing, alone, maybe going for a ride - cooking what i want with lots of mushrooms and stuff and just being here has turned into not that.
Change is fine, it is whatever, kind of would have liked to go to NoHo.
tempered frustration...
sigh...
was going to tweet about it but who cares, can't really complain, no need to complain but i'm still slightly frustrated and what not.
guess i can still get a ride in maybe. Or not? Maybe I'll see if any of the local SOGs want to head out.
BUT WHAT BIKE DO I RIDE? Depends on who comes out to ride I guess.
Anyway - I started a bit about art and stuff after watching the movie on Wed. I had wanted to go to the Nature lab opening reception but schedule conflicts and stuff.
Oh well things are what they are and will be...
Still, it would have been fun to be at NoHo this weekend.
heddwch
G
Kid was supposed to have an away soccer tournament, no one to be home with the dogs, no trip to NoHo. Too far for a day trip, but then maybe not, could be fun showing up saturday, not fun driving though. But with that trip and them being gone all weekend I scheduled a Park Tool School Class for Sunday.
Get home, "tournament is cancelled"
so Saturday of sleeping in after they all leave super early, not so much just me hanging out, relaxing, alone, maybe going for a ride - cooking what i want with lots of mushrooms and stuff and just being here has turned into not that.
Change is fine, it is whatever, kind of would have liked to go to NoHo.
tempered frustration...
sigh...
was going to tweet about it but who cares, can't really complain, no need to complain but i'm still slightly frustrated and what not.
guess i can still get a ride in maybe. Or not? Maybe I'll see if any of the local SOGs want to head out.
BUT WHAT BIKE DO I RIDE? Depends on who comes out to ride I guess.
Anyway - I started a bit about art and stuff after watching the movie on Wed. I had wanted to go to the Nature lab opening reception but schedule conflicts and stuff.
Oh well things are what they are and will be...
Still, it would have been fun to be at NoHo this weekend.
heddwch
G
Wednesday, November 07, 2018
Harmony
I avoided everything last night. As much as I could.
Yes I voted. I took my oldest to vote. First election for them. Pretty sure they will never miss another election. That is the future.
I would have loved to see Beto win. But a long shot is a long shot and to be that close speaks volumes. Should be seen as a positive.
Case in point.
Florida is gonna Florida. Another twitter gem was this.
I mean absolutely right on it seems. Riding in I was thinking, well if sea level rises what happens to Florida? Thinking this as I'm riding along a handful of feet above sea level on a bike path that would be gone before, or along with, Florida was less than fun of a thought, but then again, RI isn't flat and while a good bit of it might melt away, the smallest state would just become smaller.
Georgia? Well Stacy hasn't conceded, I hope she doesn't and maybe there's a recount and shit changes there but, yeah, that's a long shot, not quite worth being optimistic about. That said progress and challenge is enough to offer hope.
It is good. All this stuff. The flipping of the house, the governor's that did win, Kansas? how about that shit!
It wasn't the overwhelming blue wave but it was a pretty solid wave and more importantly it seems that it has created a foundation for change. The tide is rising a bit. A part of me, while ever hopeful for the full sweep, was worried about it. What the fuck would cheeto and co do if they lost everything, backlash would be insane. Now? they won just enough to feel they did something, heck both sides remain hopeful it seems. That's good. As long as there's a chance the rules won't change too much. And in the two years before the next election maybe some non-republicans can make headway and a name for themselves in some of the red senate states.
I hate to be positive and happy. But, well, you know... it could be worse, and this really is pretty good - although I still want to punch Nazis and make racists afraid again.
My cold is fading a bit. Although looking forward to trying to be functional tonight I am back to last week coffee intake. At least I'm not blowing my nose every 2 min.
But the day's schedule is already messed up - time to shift stuff around, no more internetting for a bit.
heddwch
G
Yes I voted. I took my oldest to vote. First election for them. Pretty sure they will never miss another election. That is the future.
I would have loved to see Beto win. But a long shot is a long shot and to be that close speaks volumes. Should be seen as a positive.
here’s the video of beto saying “i’m so fucking proud of you” if anyone needs a new alarm tone pic.twitter.com/mkApPHjW9W— Adam J. Kurtz (@adamjk) November 7, 2018
Case in point.
Florida is gonna Florida. Another twitter gem was this.
I swear Florida could be voting between ice cream and a kick to the head and the results would be 50.5%-49.5%.— Benjamin Park (@BenjaminEPark) November 7, 2018
I mean absolutely right on it seems. Riding in I was thinking, well if sea level rises what happens to Florida? Thinking this as I'm riding along a handful of feet above sea level on a bike path that would be gone before, or along with, Florida was less than fun of a thought, but then again, RI isn't flat and while a good bit of it might melt away, the smallest state would just become smaller.
Georgia? Well Stacy hasn't conceded, I hope she doesn't and maybe there's a recount and shit changes there but, yeah, that's a long shot, not quite worth being optimistic about. That said progress and challenge is enough to offer hope.
It is good. All this stuff. The flipping of the house, the governor's that did win, Kansas? how about that shit!
It wasn't the overwhelming blue wave but it was a pretty solid wave and more importantly it seems that it has created a foundation for change. The tide is rising a bit. A part of me, while ever hopeful for the full sweep, was worried about it. What the fuck would cheeto and co do if they lost everything, backlash would be insane. Now? they won just enough to feel they did something, heck both sides remain hopeful it seems. That's good. As long as there's a chance the rules won't change too much. And in the two years before the next election maybe some non-republicans can make headway and a name for themselves in some of the red senate states.
I hate to be positive and happy. But, well, you know... it could be worse, and this really is pretty good - although I still want to punch Nazis and make racists afraid again.
My cold is fading a bit. Although looking forward to trying to be functional tonight I am back to last week coffee intake. At least I'm not blowing my nose every 2 min.
But the day's schedule is already messed up - time to shift stuff around, no more internetting for a bit.
heddwch
G
Tuesday, November 06, 2018
Dischord
Hard core dischord in my heart.
But listening to the catalog at Dischord is good medicine:
The elections - the visual apathy from the white "independent" folks (men) who don't care and see it all as a ridiculous exercise and pointing out that there's no real difference between the R and D parties, they are both corrupt corporate tools with no recourse for real change.
I disagree, esp lately. But there's this lingering frustration. The whole being in a state that is #1 super small, #2 pretty consistently aligned with the Democrats and tucked in a region that is consistent. Not homogeneous, there are plenty of racist douchebros here, and everywhere, and they get bolder with every rally and every FauxNews broadcast.
Le Sigh. Can't vote in the Texas thing, but man I hope Beto can do it. And the governor races in FL and GA. Can I vote in those three elections? No. But man so much hinges on all three races.
And that fucking add that ran during SNF holy SHIT. fuck.
MAYBE THIS ALBUM ON REPEAT
Currently half thinking about driving to Northampton for Saturday just to hang out and see everyone, maybe bring the dogs. It is a long drive to just hang out, esp with so much not getting done at home and winter coming and me having lots of wood to split and stack (and get the seasoned stuff under better cover to dry out the rest of the way). But it would be fun to head up there. Even just to spectate. But it looks like I'll be teaching a bike maintenance class on Sunday the 11th. I may need to elect to stay home and lay low and chill with the dogs while everyone else is out at an away tournament.
But anything beyond staying home is going to be based on getting over this fucking cold. Nose at least isn't running as much as it was yesterday. Holy shit. Maybe side benefit of not drinking is getting over the seasonal cold faster? I think that also may require me getting some more sleep.
or at least catching up on sleep. or both. I've cut back on coffee the last couple days. Not by much but it seemed to help falling asleep last night.
Haven't been on the bike other than the trainer on Saturday. Not today. Kid is coming home from college to vote today. So I drove in to facilitate getting the two of us to the polling place. And then back to the train.
Man I need to ride my FUCKING BIKE.
I've let work creep into my riding time. But then everything else has crept into my riding time, work is just a small part of it.
Oh well. I'll keep working on making time to make time to ride. Maybe I need to do the NECX HOTM challenge again. But perhaps make it a 6 month challenge. Jan-July. Heck maybe it needs to be either two hundos a month or one double. Or two hundos ending with a double in June and July.
Something. Need something/someone to get my butt moving. I'm not doing a good job of self motivating, gotta change that.
Also lately have been reflecting and missing http://ezracaldwell.com/ Thinking about MLFN ... and stuff...
Too much thinking...
Starting last cup of coffee right now. It is noon. Going to be interesting to see if I can make it through the rest of the day w/o any more caffeine.
At least this morning has been a scattered - support - email - organize - fix - advise - morning, conducive to web logging and listening to Dischord's catalog:
heddwch
G
But listening to the catalog at Dischord is good medicine:
The elections - the visual apathy from the white "independent" folks (men) who don't care and see it all as a ridiculous exercise and pointing out that there's no real difference between the R and D parties, they are both corrupt corporate tools with no recourse for real change.
I disagree, esp lately. But there's this lingering frustration. The whole being in a state that is #1 super small, #2 pretty consistently aligned with the Democrats and tucked in a region that is consistent. Not homogeneous, there are plenty of racist douchebros here, and everywhere, and they get bolder with every rally and every FauxNews broadcast.
Le Sigh. Can't vote in the Texas thing, but man I hope Beto can do it. And the governor races in FL and GA. Can I vote in those three elections? No. But man so much hinges on all three races.
And that fucking add that ran during SNF holy SHIT. fuck.
MAYBE THIS ALBUM ON REPEAT
Currently half thinking about driving to Northampton for Saturday just to hang out and see everyone, maybe bring the dogs. It is a long drive to just hang out, esp with so much not getting done at home and winter coming and me having lots of wood to split and stack (and get the seasoned stuff under better cover to dry out the rest of the way). But it would be fun to head up there. Even just to spectate. But it looks like I'll be teaching a bike maintenance class on Sunday the 11th. I may need to elect to stay home and lay low and chill with the dogs while everyone else is out at an away tournament.
But anything beyond staying home is going to be based on getting over this fucking cold. Nose at least isn't running as much as it was yesterday. Holy shit. Maybe side benefit of not drinking is getting over the seasonal cold faster? I think that also may require me getting some more sleep.
or at least catching up on sleep. or both. I've cut back on coffee the last couple days. Not by much but it seemed to help falling asleep last night.
Haven't been on the bike other than the trainer on Saturday. Not today. Kid is coming home from college to vote today. So I drove in to facilitate getting the two of us to the polling place. And then back to the train.
Man I need to ride my FUCKING BIKE.
I've let work creep into my riding time. But then everything else has crept into my riding time, work is just a small part of it.
Oh well. I'll keep working on making time to make time to ride. Maybe I need to do the NECX HOTM challenge again. But perhaps make it a 6 month challenge. Jan-July. Heck maybe it needs to be either two hundos a month or one double. Or two hundos ending with a double in June and July.
Something. Need something/someone to get my butt moving. I'm not doing a good job of self motivating, gotta change that.
Also lately have been reflecting and missing http://ezracaldwell.com/ Thinking about MLFN ... and stuff...
Too much thinking...
Starting last cup of coffee right now. It is noon. Going to be interesting to see if I can make it through the rest of the day w/o any more caffeine.
At least this morning has been a scattered - support - email - organize - fix - advise - morning, conducive to web logging and listening to Dischord's catalog:
heddwch
G
Thursday, November 01, 2018
moments
moments here and there - sort of patches of sunlight sneaking through the cloud cover to light up the landscape for a few minutes.
mostly gray
I want to re-read The Starship & the Canoe but it is kind of hard to find and not in the digital library - haven't looked for print copies there yet. I read it in high school and parts of it stick with me. Also this one too Baidarka. I have both in print, hopefully still at home, perhaps one of my brother's read them and they've moved on to another pile of books. Neither are in the shelves that I've hauled around with me. Def going to be looking for them when I head home in December.
Project Orion also looks like a good read too.
This hit home too. Russ shared it on twitter - was good or not good to read. thoughtful and relateable indeed.
Peter's helmet article also very solid. I can't find fault in it other than the red meat bullshit.
I need to head home, grab groceries on the way home. at least enough stuff to supplement what little is left for cooking. never made it to the grocery this weekend, busy doing other stuff.
Non-stop. Lost a vacation day. oh well. doesn't matter.
Halloween was. headed to one of the close friends of the youngest - everyone was drinking, I turned down a pile of beers, easy, no pressure, no problem. Felt right. No longing. Almost at revulsion level now. Esp smelling beer on other people. My how the tables have turned. And that's a good thing, but it will still take a long time for it to be normal for me and for it to not be constantly part of my thought process. something like that gets ingrained and not easy to change.
well, i'm writing instead of leaving to go shopping.
best cut that shit out so dinner is ready before 9pm...
heddwch
G
mostly gray
I want to re-read The Starship & the Canoe but it is kind of hard to find and not in the digital library - haven't looked for print copies there yet. I read it in high school and parts of it stick with me. Also this one too Baidarka. I have both in print, hopefully still at home, perhaps one of my brother's read them and they've moved on to another pile of books. Neither are in the shelves that I've hauled around with me. Def going to be looking for them when I head home in December.
Project Orion also looks like a good read too.
This hit home too. Russ shared it on twitter - was good or not good to read. thoughtful and relateable indeed.
Peter's helmet article also very solid. I can't find fault in it other than the red meat bullshit.
I need to head home, grab groceries on the way home. at least enough stuff to supplement what little is left for cooking. never made it to the grocery this weekend, busy doing other stuff.
Non-stop. Lost a vacation day. oh well. doesn't matter.
Halloween was. headed to one of the close friends of the youngest - everyone was drinking, I turned down a pile of beers, easy, no pressure, no problem. Felt right. No longing. Almost at revulsion level now. Esp smelling beer on other people. My how the tables have turned. And that's a good thing, but it will still take a long time for it to be normal for me and for it to not be constantly part of my thought process. something like that gets ingrained and not easy to change.
well, i'm writing instead of leaving to go shopping.
best cut that shit out so dinner is ready before 9pm...
heddwch
G
Tuesday, October 30, 2018
Rough patch
speed bump?
def too much coffee lately...
hey there is only one substance to pour myself into - it isn't going well i guess...
Was just asked, in a very well meaning genuine way, "How was your race this weekend?" And ugh it deflated me like getting dropped on Hillside. If not asked, if not dropped, I can make good headway, this kind of back filled the sails that were already barely making steerage.
I keep wanting to post shit to twitter - or facebook. May just go back to 2006 style blogging, pre-social media. pre-facebook, pre-twitter... back when there was a blog and Flickr.
Heading in late I got an email today: "I'm here in room 111."
?? I double check the email thread - WEDNESDAY at 9... I double check the calendar, yeah it is still Tuesday.
Sigh.
last night I see cool photo by someone, taken of cool people with some black and white images hanging... they are 12 min away by car from my house. But i'm mid-making dinner. sort of feeling bad about not finding out or being able to make it down there. but oh well.
Cheshire and Putney are a confirmed no go, same reason Rad racing weekend is also, and NoHo is too.
Maybe Shed park, but so far away.
working through it - process - one foot in front of the other
zombie sleep walk'n
heddwch
G
def too much coffee lately...
hey there is only one substance to pour myself into - it isn't going well i guess...
Was just asked, in a very well meaning genuine way, "How was your race this weekend?" And ugh it deflated me like getting dropped on Hillside. If not asked, if not dropped, I can make good headway, this kind of back filled the sails that were already barely making steerage.
I keep wanting to post shit to twitter - or facebook. May just go back to 2006 style blogging, pre-social media. pre-facebook, pre-twitter... back when there was a blog and Flickr.
Heading in late I got an email today: "I'm here in room 111."
?? I double check the email thread - WEDNESDAY at 9... I double check the calendar, yeah it is still Tuesday.
Sigh.
last night I see cool photo by someone, taken of cool people with some black and white images hanging... they are 12 min away by car from my house. But i'm mid-making dinner. sort of feeling bad about not finding out or being able to make it down there. but oh well.
Cheshire and Putney are a confirmed no go, same reason Rad racing weekend is also, and NoHo is too.
Maybe Shed park, but so far away.
working through it - process - one foot in front of the other
zombie sleep walk'n
heddwch
G
Monday, October 29, 2018
Fruitlands CX + Aftermath
Yeah - that wrecked me. Shortest ride with the most debilitation results.
The good:
The not good:
Yeah I guess that's about it.
The course is difficult for me normally with normal fitness. But Saturday I didn't even feel like I could race. I was just pedaling around in my 34x28 most of the time. I couldn't turn on the turny sections, I could kind of pedal in some of the grippy sections. It was strange.
Needed a warm up, yes. On the bike, Yes. But most likely wouldn't have helped that much. It was a good reminder as to how slow and far behind the fitness curve I am.
After Crosstobeerfest I felt good, but that was flat, it was the end of the day and I felt good.
I didn't feel bad on Saturday, but I was tired, really tired. I keep thinking maybe something is wrong with me, but then I measure what I'm doing, with how long it has been since I was totally rested/recovered. it has been a long time. I'm not living the athlete life.
Eating well enough. Not digging a deeper hole with beer/vodka. Mentally I'm still up and down. But mostly just tired all the time. functional. But tired. Break? Yeah at some point. The schedule isn't looking great right now for racing. But I need a break. Legs are still sore from saturday. Walking all over boston may have not been the best idea for Sunday but it was fun and kept me moving, even if I was in a fog the whole time, hungover w/o the booze. Fighting the cold/sickness that everyone else has had the last week or two is also a factor.
Oh well, resigned.
Now that I have the trainer set up, I'll def get on it and see what I can do to build a bit more fitness going into the last couple races. Although it won't amount to much of anything besides building towards next year.
Struggle still. So much struggle. But I am blessed, I am lucky, things are good, things are going well, the burdens are mine, how to keep me but recover. Trying to keep everyone else afloat isn't easy. The racing is my thing, my time. It is fun, even getting lapped and having no fitness, it is good to be there to see friends. But not 100% of me is happy and that portion that wishes I could race a bit faster, race a bit more, be a bit faster... That's tough.
Oh well.
I'll keep trying to figure it out. This is kind of one of those days I would have taken a few shots with morning coffee before leaving the house and followed up with one at lunch. It is rough. But it is still not that bad. I've got to keep reminding myself that. It is actually pretty good.
Okay - time to finish lunch, then work on untangling the chaos that comes with running the picture factory...
heddwch
G
The good:
- got to hang out with Alan and Sharon B in the reg room and see Gary and John and everyone else (AlecG, CTL. BH, KL, AC, DF, GM, CB... all yall)
- Tires worked amazingly for the first two laps
- I got lapped and didn't have to do an extra lap
- I was still riding sections that others in my race (lapped me) were forced off
- Food at the food truck was tasty and much needed/appreciated
- Bike worked great
- Weather was awesome for racing
- Uneventful drive there and back, driving home chat with Tom D
The not good:
- Was dropped basically at the start, they had a gap before the first turn, I ran up on them on the run up but then said good bye
- After two laps even the tires stopped hooking up but I kept trying to make them and that was slow
- There was no grass left to ride on by the end of the race
- I got lapped half way through the last lap and got passed by half of the field not counting me.
- Food truck was $20 for not a ton of food, that shit is expensive and I bought it because I know how much Gary and John worked to get at least one food truck at their events.
- Weather was shit for spectating and worse for warming up (so I warmed up running around capturing video - see Twitter and Instagram - it was not a good warm up for pedaling in the mud)
- I got in bed at 8:30pm
- I fell asleep at 9pm
- I am STILL really tired
- Sunday felt like the day after an all drinking saturday
Yeah I guess that's about it.
The course is difficult for me normally with normal fitness. But Saturday I didn't even feel like I could race. I was just pedaling around in my 34x28 most of the time. I couldn't turn on the turny sections, I could kind of pedal in some of the grippy sections. It was strange.
Needed a warm up, yes. On the bike, Yes. But most likely wouldn't have helped that much. It was a good reminder as to how slow and far behind the fitness curve I am.
After Crosstobeerfest I felt good, but that was flat, it was the end of the day and I felt good.
I didn't feel bad on Saturday, but I was tired, really tired. I keep thinking maybe something is wrong with me, but then I measure what I'm doing, with how long it has been since I was totally rested/recovered. it has been a long time. I'm not living the athlete life.
Eating well enough. Not digging a deeper hole with beer/vodka. Mentally I'm still up and down. But mostly just tired all the time. functional. But tired. Break? Yeah at some point. The schedule isn't looking great right now for racing. But I need a break. Legs are still sore from saturday. Walking all over boston may have not been the best idea for Sunday but it was fun and kept me moving, even if I was in a fog the whole time, hungover w/o the booze. Fighting the cold/sickness that everyone else has had the last week or two is also a factor.
Oh well, resigned.
Now that I have the trainer set up, I'll def get on it and see what I can do to build a bit more fitness going into the last couple races. Although it won't amount to much of anything besides building towards next year.
Struggle still. So much struggle. But I am blessed, I am lucky, things are good, things are going well, the burdens are mine, how to keep me but recover. Trying to keep everyone else afloat isn't easy. The racing is my thing, my time. It is fun, even getting lapped and having no fitness, it is good to be there to see friends. But not 100% of me is happy and that portion that wishes I could race a bit faster, race a bit more, be a bit faster... That's tough.
Oh well.
I'll keep trying to figure it out. This is kind of one of those days I would have taken a few shots with morning coffee before leaving the house and followed up with one at lunch. It is rough. But it is still not that bad. I've got to keep reminding myself that. It is actually pretty good.
Okay - time to finish lunch, then work on untangling the chaos that comes with running the picture factory...
heddwch
G
Friday, October 26, 2018
I did it
I actually got on the trainer.
And it wasn't terrible.
BTW Suntour XC Pro cold forged (110 bcd not micro-drive) 180s are STIFF mofo cranks. No flex on the 50t chainring out of the saddle. Heck the white blue barely moved. That's a stiff bike.
I went back and forth on playlists, couldn't find a good one. Wanted to do the Death Magnetic intervals, it wasn't in my Google Play music online or downloaded on the phone. Well shit, what else, settled on doing a 13 chambers workout. Wugazi. 3-4 min songs, 13 of them. Did a 15 min warmup to some random electronic mix. Then hit the Wugazi and first one high load highish cadence, mostly seated. Steady state for the first song. Recover for the next song, then did 50x11 standing for the next song, recover, repeat first one, recover, standing one, recover until album was over.
Def felt it the rest of the day but unlike racing once, and since I needed to boost recovery I actually downed a quick protein shake after the intervals, ate lunch, then showered and went on with the rest of the day.
I'm feeling it a bit today but not terribly, more good feeling than not.
Also due to chilling in the morning I had less than normal coffee amount and was wiped at 9 and even better slept super well and accidentally fell back asleep this morning (yeah was late) but holy shit it felt good sleeping. Oh so nice. Need more sleeping, maybe this weekend.
Not tomorrow - that's up early and all that - racing early is going to be strange.
But racing at about the same time of day I did the intervals yesterday, was deliberate and it felt good, even if I did them in a totally fasted (just coffee) state.
Got the bike sorted out. All clean and shiny and with gears and the old Rocket Ron tubeless tires. They did not set up as easily or effortlessly as the WTB Nanos did. They bead isn't as tight. But they seem to be holding air, and I topped them up to 40 PSI and rode that bike in today.
A mistake mostly because i was late and realized I haven't gotten sweaty riding to work in a long time, barely even in peak summer. Crossrip+ is a nice commuter bike. REALLY NICE.
And i was late today and there was a headwind. And I made some breakfast to eat after riding in. That I barely got to eat because i was late because I made food and then left late after sleeping in later than I wanted and rode the bike that takes longer than normal to get here.
That was just fun to write. Kind of silly sure. pointless indeed.
But hey the bike switched over. It has mud tires on there. Perhaps not as legit grip and go as the Limus, but way better than a PDX, and much faster rolling on not mud than the Limus. Also way better than what was on there until yesterday.
And then I put the bike on the DS-1. Park digital scale. 21 pounds.
FUuuuuukc that's heavy.
Most of the weight is the wheels. The bars and stem aren't light, the 105 levers are beefy and the frame is the hugest they make. Most of the weight is the wheels. I did shed close to a pound, all rotating weight but swapping the tires. So that's a good thing. Maybe next year I'll get some super sweet amazing wheels built and designed by the best at an amazing price aka some Trek Aeolus Pro 3s. (gotta stay on brand right?)
From the preview shots and the overhead map the course looks like a good balance from previous years and if we get the weather we're promised it should be fun, even if it is all climbing and I'm likely going to get lapped and be last or almost last.
I debated the 40+ or the 2/3/4 and ultimately went with the former because based on crossresults points I was pretty close to DFL in both and fuck it - lets get it done early. I'll race, try not to get lapped and just have fun slipping and sliding on that hillside. I'm excited about it.
It will be a good distraction from the current politics.
Okay - lunch time is over. Even though I'm not hungry because I ate a big breakfast not long enough ago. Gotta move on to the next thing.
And that's doing something other than this.
At least I got the tires on in the correct rotating direction!
heddwch
G
And it wasn't terrible.
BTW Suntour XC Pro cold forged (110 bcd not micro-drive) 180s are STIFF mofo cranks. No flex on the 50t chainring out of the saddle. Heck the white blue barely moved. That's a stiff bike.
I went back and forth on playlists, couldn't find a good one. Wanted to do the Death Magnetic intervals, it wasn't in my Google Play music online or downloaded on the phone. Well shit, what else, settled on doing a 13 chambers workout. Wugazi. 3-4 min songs, 13 of them. Did a 15 min warmup to some random electronic mix. Then hit the Wugazi and first one high load highish cadence, mostly seated. Steady state for the first song. Recover for the next song, then did 50x11 standing for the next song, recover, repeat first one, recover, standing one, recover until album was over.
Def felt it the rest of the day but unlike racing once, and since I needed to boost recovery I actually downed a quick protein shake after the intervals, ate lunch, then showered and went on with the rest of the day.
I'm feeling it a bit today but not terribly, more good feeling than not.
Also due to chilling in the morning I had less than normal coffee amount and was wiped at 9 and even better slept super well and accidentally fell back asleep this morning (yeah was late) but holy shit it felt good sleeping. Oh so nice. Need more sleeping, maybe this weekend.
Not tomorrow - that's up early and all that - racing early is going to be strange.
But racing at about the same time of day I did the intervals yesterday, was deliberate and it felt good, even if I did them in a totally fasted (just coffee) state.
Got the bike sorted out. All clean and shiny and with gears and the old Rocket Ron tubeless tires. They did not set up as easily or effortlessly as the WTB Nanos did. They bead isn't as tight. But they seem to be holding air, and I topped them up to 40 PSI and rode that bike in today.
A mistake mostly because i was late and realized I haven't gotten sweaty riding to work in a long time, barely even in peak summer. Crossrip+ is a nice commuter bike. REALLY NICE.
And i was late today and there was a headwind. And I made some breakfast to eat after riding in. That I barely got to eat because i was late because I made food and then left late after sleeping in later than I wanted and rode the bike that takes longer than normal to get here.
That was just fun to write. Kind of silly sure. pointless indeed.
But hey the bike switched over. It has mud tires on there. Perhaps not as legit grip and go as the Limus, but way better than a PDX, and much faster rolling on not mud than the Limus. Also way better than what was on there until yesterday.
And then I put the bike on the DS-1. Park digital scale. 21 pounds.
FUuuuuukc that's heavy.
Most of the weight is the wheels. The bars and stem aren't light, the 105 levers are beefy and the frame is the hugest they make. Most of the weight is the wheels. I did shed close to a pound, all rotating weight but swapping the tires. So that's a good thing. Maybe next year I'll get some super sweet amazing wheels built and designed by the best at an amazing price aka some Trek Aeolus Pro 3s. (gotta stay on brand right?)
From the preview shots and the overhead map the course looks like a good balance from previous years and if we get the weather we're promised it should be fun, even if it is all climbing and I'm likely going to get lapped and be last or almost last.
I debated the 40+ or the 2/3/4 and ultimately went with the former because based on crossresults points I was pretty close to DFL in both and fuck it - lets get it done early. I'll race, try not to get lapped and just have fun slipping and sliding on that hillside. I'm excited about it.
It will be a good distraction from the current politics.
Okay - lunch time is over. Even though I'm not hungry because I ate a big breakfast not long enough ago. Gotta move on to the next thing.
And that's doing something other than this.
At least I got the tires on in the correct rotating direction!
heddwch
G
Thursday, October 25, 2018
Fruitlands on saturday!
Yeah, kind of almost the worst GeWilli course possible. But hey when you're building fitness, when you're slower than you've been in a while, why not go for the challenge.
Lots of reasons not to. Everyone around me is sick and I'm barely hanging on. Bike has one gear, and that place isn't SSCX friendly. And no, while I contemplated running it as it is, I don't want to run that much. And the gearing is actually pretty mud friendly, and by that I mean low and slow. You only go as fast as your easiest gear. And no - i STILL don't have mud tires on the bike. Should have put them on for Gloucester, should have put them on for CrosstoBeerFest (awesome Dirtwire video up about the race BTW -
There's a good bit of GeWilli footage in there.
And I'm tired. BUT you know it is promoted by a couple of great guys. Kalon cross wasn't terrible but it was and it wasn't. Yes I've raced it before, kind of enjoy it I suppose. Although I'm getting tired of driving up to exit 27 or whatever it is for all these races. But that's not a bad thing. I know where I'm going mostly. In this case head to Bolton Orchards, turn right and drive around some more.
I've been getting a pile of emails asking about the class I'm teaching in the spring. Yeah, I teach people here at the Ivy towers, as Solobreak liked to heckle me about. That's pretty blah for me but i guess it is kind of cool to have a pretty high demand unique class that some of the brightest kids in the country want to take. Not many legacy kids make it to the level of microscope class. Anyway - i have to add that to the pile of stuff. Syllabus, registrar, overrides, interviews, guest lectures, samples, ordering foldscopes, arranging gallery viewing of their stuff. There's a good pile of everything else that didn't get done while I was working with the folks from PDX on the microscope.
BUT
I moved a training session from this morning to tomorrow morning and have taken a day off.
Vacation day. Use two by the end of the month or lose them both.
I might be losing one. Oh well. Better than losing two.
Stuck in bed with my pack. One 50# hot pad pressed as tightly against my side as she can, sleeping, the other curled up like a furry doughnut happy as hell to be sleeping on the comfy bed in proximity to me. I have a good pack. These two are pretty special. Nice and warm too.
Making it tough to get up and wash the Crosstobeerfest mud off the bike and clean up the wheels so I can change the tires and gears.
I kind of also want to get the White blue franken bike revival on the trainer and put some effort in the legs. Need to hit the grocery store too... and need more coffee.
The world seems to be going to hell, or at least this country is. Having the dogs to hang out with, a race to focus on, work to keep me busy and engaged if slightly burnt out and exhausted, not bad. Waffle between feeling good and not happy, oddly maybe it is having the day off, still being in bed with the dogs relaxing and letting it all go for a few minutes is good.
I worked to make sure I didn't have any cross-over with jerry on twitter last night - still tempted to go through and block all his other accounts in retaliation but whatever... it is part of the re-evaluation. How to figure out moving on, maintaining who I am and striving to be a more positive supportive person everywhere, not just in person but on the social medias and all that.
I need another cup of coffee and it isn't going to make itself. but man is it nice and warm under the covers with this sleeping dog on top of them. So snuggly.
Yeah yeah, no dogs in bed. But they are so cute and they really like it.
And they are only 50#, and yeah they shed a TON. and this white one snores like me after drinking a bottle of vodka.
Formatting is a bit odd, not having a computer to write this and compose like normal. Oh well.
But back to the top, Fruitlands. It is hard. It is a Litka race. Running and hills. Elevation change and fitness.
I have dropped a handful of pounds lately. These sporadic races combined with running low on calories frequently have started to make an impact. My skinny pants fit better now. Not bad.
But I am still drinking way more coffee than I should, flip side? I'm still falling asleep easily and sleeping well. So I'll cut back when i have a real vacation or something. IE NEVER.
At least the sun is coming out. Should make it more tolerable to play with the hose and brushes and clean off the bike. Then get on the trainer, should have done it yesterday to allow more recovery for Saturday but I'll take it easy tomorrow.
I'll stop rambling now. Mostly all this is who cares. Good to have an inanimate object to talk to about stupid stuff - aka the web log.
heddwch
G
Lots of reasons not to. Everyone around me is sick and I'm barely hanging on. Bike has one gear, and that place isn't SSCX friendly. And no, while I contemplated running it as it is, I don't want to run that much. And the gearing is actually pretty mud friendly, and by that I mean low and slow. You only go as fast as your easiest gear. And no - i STILL don't have mud tires on the bike. Should have put them on for Gloucester, should have put them on for CrosstoBeerFest (awesome Dirtwire video up about the race BTW -
There's a good bit of GeWilli footage in there.
And I'm tired. BUT you know it is promoted by a couple of great guys. Kalon cross wasn't terrible but it was and it wasn't. Yes I've raced it before, kind of enjoy it I suppose. Although I'm getting tired of driving up to exit 27 or whatever it is for all these races. But that's not a bad thing. I know where I'm going mostly. In this case head to Bolton Orchards, turn right and drive around some more.
I've been getting a pile of emails asking about the class I'm teaching in the spring. Yeah, I teach people here at the Ivy towers, as Solobreak liked to heckle me about. That's pretty blah for me but i guess it is kind of cool to have a pretty high demand unique class that some of the brightest kids in the country want to take. Not many legacy kids make it to the level of microscope class. Anyway - i have to add that to the pile of stuff. Syllabus, registrar, overrides, interviews, guest lectures, samples, ordering foldscopes, arranging gallery viewing of their stuff. There's a good pile of everything else that didn't get done while I was working with the folks from PDX on the microscope.
BUT
I moved a training session from this morning to tomorrow morning and have taken a day off.
Vacation day. Use two by the end of the month or lose them both.
I might be losing one. Oh well. Better than losing two.
Stuck in bed with my pack. One 50# hot pad pressed as tightly against my side as she can, sleeping, the other curled up like a furry doughnut happy as hell to be sleeping on the comfy bed in proximity to me. I have a good pack. These two are pretty special. Nice and warm too.
Making it tough to get up and wash the Crosstobeerfest mud off the bike and clean up the wheels so I can change the tires and gears.
I kind of also want to get the White blue franken bike revival on the trainer and put some effort in the legs. Need to hit the grocery store too... and need more coffee.
The world seems to be going to hell, or at least this country is. Having the dogs to hang out with, a race to focus on, work to keep me busy and engaged if slightly burnt out and exhausted, not bad. Waffle between feeling good and not happy, oddly maybe it is having the day off, still being in bed with the dogs relaxing and letting it all go for a few minutes is good.
I worked to make sure I didn't have any cross-over with jerry on twitter last night - still tempted to go through and block all his other accounts in retaliation but whatever... it is part of the re-evaluation. How to figure out moving on, maintaining who I am and striving to be a more positive supportive person everywhere, not just in person but on the social medias and all that.
I need another cup of coffee and it isn't going to make itself. but man is it nice and warm under the covers with this sleeping dog on top of them. So snuggly.
And they are only 50#, and yeah they shed a TON. and this white one snores like me after drinking a bottle of vodka.
Formatting is a bit odd, not having a computer to write this and compose like normal. Oh well.
But back to the top, Fruitlands. It is hard. It is a Litka race. Running and hills. Elevation change and fitness.
I have dropped a handful of pounds lately. These sporadic races combined with running low on calories frequently have started to make an impact. My skinny pants fit better now. Not bad.
But I am still drinking way more coffee than I should, flip side? I'm still falling asleep easily and sleeping well. So I'll cut back when i have a real vacation or something. IE NEVER.
At least the sun is coming out. Should make it more tolerable to play with the hose and brushes and clean off the bike. Then get on the trainer, should have done it yesterday to allow more recovery for Saturday but I'll take it easy tomorrow.
I'll stop rambling now. Mostly all this is who cares. Good to have an inanimate object to talk to about stupid stuff - aka the web log.
heddwch
G
Monday, October 22, 2018
Baby steps
With $7 I got the white blue set up for the trainer.
Need to swap the brakes or put on Travel Agents if I want to ride it and have brakes that work. But for now, It can pedal, it has a gear range that should make the fluid trainer actually put up some resistance (even if I had a thru-axle adapter the 34T on the crockett is much too low for anything other than racing CX - even then...)
Seriously. 34-11, me... mr big chainring guy. I laugh every time I look at it. I can forget about it in Singlespeed mode but still... super funny. Although it is helping to prove that tiny chainrings wear out chains ridiculously fast.
Okay so I dug out the Suntour XC Pro 180 crankset. It had a 38 inner ring on it and I had a worn but not too much 50t to go with it. Grabbed a whole bar and stem off a Pilot 2.1 that was being tossed (too rusty), bars a narrow but it is for a trainer, who cares. And boom, in business.
Well as soon as I pull out the trainer and actually attempt to ride it.
Motivation slipped.
Looks like this weekend may be Parents weekend solo trip up to boston on the train to see the kid.
I was even thinking about putting gears back on and riding Fruitlands again. That 34T would have been great. Although likely need to change tires, or at least change the rear tire before that.
That was just the preamble, when am I going to race again?
Secret Squirrel?
That sheet I made up with the potential dates goes from Fruitlands with a big question mark (it is hilly, I'm big, I don't go up hill well, I'm still not in great shape) to Secret Squirrel to NBX to Ice Weasels.
HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE.
Fuck.
One race in november?
Fucking hate the front loaded calendar. I wish everything wasn't so far away this past weekend. But I needed the time. Sunday was pretty low key, I did make it to the shop, but only built two bikes before tackling the White Blue project.
Too much shit building up here though. I'm looking at my emails. It is crazy how in the hole I am. It is at the point where it is overwhelming. And I felt overwhelmed on Monday last week, a week later and it is even worse.
AND IT WAS FUCKING COLD THIS MORNING... WHAT HAPPENED TO FALL? It was fucking HOT, now it is FUCKING COLD...
I suppose I'd be less grumpy if I actually dug into the winter clothes and wore some of that stuff.
Oh well.
Seasons change, time to move on.
heddwch
G
Need to swap the brakes or put on Travel Agents if I want to ride it and have brakes that work. But for now, It can pedal, it has a gear range that should make the fluid trainer actually put up some resistance (even if I had a thru-axle adapter the 34T on the crockett is much too low for anything other than racing CX - even then...)
Seriously. 34-11, me... mr big chainring guy. I laugh every time I look at it. I can forget about it in Singlespeed mode but still... super funny. Although it is helping to prove that tiny chainrings wear out chains ridiculously fast.
Okay so I dug out the Suntour XC Pro 180 crankset. It had a 38 inner ring on it and I had a worn but not too much 50t to go with it. Grabbed a whole bar and stem off a Pilot 2.1 that was being tossed (too rusty), bars a narrow but it is for a trainer, who cares. And boom, in business.
Well as soon as I pull out the trainer and actually attempt to ride it.
Motivation slipped.
Looks like this weekend may be Parents weekend solo trip up to boston on the train to see the kid.
I was even thinking about putting gears back on and riding Fruitlands again. That 34T would have been great. Although likely need to change tires, or at least change the rear tire before that.
That was just the preamble, when am I going to race again?
Secret Squirrel?
That sheet I made up with the potential dates goes from Fruitlands with a big question mark (it is hilly, I'm big, I don't go up hill well, I'm still not in great shape) to Secret Squirrel to NBX to Ice Weasels.
HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE.
Fuck.
One race in november?
Fucking hate the front loaded calendar. I wish everything wasn't so far away this past weekend. But I needed the time. Sunday was pretty low key, I did make it to the shop, but only built two bikes before tackling the White Blue project.
Too much shit building up here though. I'm looking at my emails. It is crazy how in the hole I am. It is at the point where it is overwhelming. And I felt overwhelmed on Monday last week, a week later and it is even worse.
AND IT WAS FUCKING COLD THIS MORNING... WHAT HAPPENED TO FALL? It was fucking HOT, now it is FUCKING COLD...
I suppose I'd be less grumpy if I actually dug into the winter clothes and wore some of that stuff.
Oh well.
Seasons change, time to move on.
heddwch
G
Saturday, October 20, 2018
Films are cool
I was feeling pretty blah this morning. Tired, overwhelmed by what needed to get done, feeling wiped from going nonstop.
I made another coffee, and while surfing the twitter on the little pocket computer that rarely gets used as a phone, the Northbound film caught my eye in a Stevil post. It is a skating film. I don't skate.
But I had an idea, I've got this fucking new TV thing (months old now) it is attached to the internet, so I cued up Vimeo, watched it there. Fucking amazing.
Hmm lets watch something else.
For some reason https://vimeo.com/295233741 caught my eye.
Longish, but so good.
cascade of thoughts started swelling. Motivation found maybe? But more something along the lines of calm and perspective.
I tried to sleep in a bit this morning, to rest up. Not so successful. But I also needed time to recharge a bit. Watching though, it is okay to keep going, the process he applies, works for us all. The more we do something the better we get at it and the more we can do as we get better. But fun.
Finding the fun. Wed night for some reason was more fun. Finally coming into enough form that I am finding it again. I mean it was always there, always. But hiding under layers.
It is good not to be racing today. That added stress, even if not stress, the added busy, the going, the preparation. Letting go for a few minutes, relaxing the brain and the body.
Recovery.
The last couple weeks have been a literal grind. Mid week races aren't easy but packed in the middle of some intense training session on the scope, very long days. Even more work piling up as I focus on that stuff def not helping.
Extra talk and discussion about "why are you doing that job? you'd be amazing doing this job!" I don't have an answer.
But that video helped something click. The cinematography, the vistas, the ethic, the success.
My plan for this year was to get back into the racing groove, to rediscover the fun and the will to train and get better. I'm making progress. The long plan was to build for the following years, to link it together. To pile a few races together, use them as an involuntary build for next year. Go into the winter with a step or two ready to attack the smackdowns.
I've been keeping the Bruce Lee words about water, be water, I think i've twisted them a bit but flow around the obstacles, adjust course, keep moving, be the river.
I can't be anyone but me, I don't ski, I don't skate. I ride a bike. I ride many different bikes. But mostly I identify with CX.
Since 1996.... not that long ago it feels, but emperically a lot has happened between then and now. To the bikes and to me. That one race that year. Then winning the series the following year, then mid-pack killer B finishes, then the slow fade to a 40k mile a year behind the wheel of a car loss.
But words that keep coming back to me.
If you don't want to watch all 3 mins jump to 1:50 in the playback. That's what I'm talking about.
The rest yes, also but those words.
I'm kind of finding it again.
And another point on KF's letter the other day, a bit of the past, moving on past, it was, it happened. Can't go back. Like the river. Those banks and vistas are gone, no matter how nice they seemed and how amazing we think it might have been to turn into a lake at that spot, we're miles past that now, changed by the seasons, shaken by the rapids, transformed by the waterfalls. I'm getting better at being where I am now. There are elements that keep trying to pull me back, suggest things could go back they way they were, but that isn't possible. I have to keep looking forward.
I've delayed the day enough now. Need to move forward, get some stuff done, put some shoes on, go outside. Go grocery shopping, fill the van tires with air after the cold TPMS alert, fill it with gas for the trip tomorrow. But I'm not going to do the oil changes, not yet, low key day, relaxed as much as I can, recover. Refuel.
recenter...
heddwch
G
I made another coffee, and while surfing the twitter on the little pocket computer that rarely gets used as a phone, the Northbound film caught my eye in a Stevil post. It is a skating film. I don't skate.
But I had an idea, I've got this fucking new TV thing (months old now) it is attached to the internet, so I cued up Vimeo, watched it there. Fucking amazing.
Hmm lets watch something else.
For some reason https://vimeo.com/295233741 caught my eye.
Longish, but so good.
cascade of thoughts started swelling. Motivation found maybe? But more something along the lines of calm and perspective.
I tried to sleep in a bit this morning, to rest up. Not so successful. But I also needed time to recharge a bit. Watching though, it is okay to keep going, the process he applies, works for us all. The more we do something the better we get at it and the more we can do as we get better. But fun.
Finding the fun. Wed night for some reason was more fun. Finally coming into enough form that I am finding it again. I mean it was always there, always. But hiding under layers.
It is good not to be racing today. That added stress, even if not stress, the added busy, the going, the preparation. Letting go for a few minutes, relaxing the brain and the body.
Recovery.
The last couple weeks have been a literal grind. Mid week races aren't easy but packed in the middle of some intense training session on the scope, very long days. Even more work piling up as I focus on that stuff def not helping.
Extra talk and discussion about "why are you doing that job? you'd be amazing doing this job!" I don't have an answer.
But that video helped something click. The cinematography, the vistas, the ethic, the success.
My plan for this year was to get back into the racing groove, to rediscover the fun and the will to train and get better. I'm making progress. The long plan was to build for the following years, to link it together. To pile a few races together, use them as an involuntary build for next year. Go into the winter with a step or two ready to attack the smackdowns.
I've been keeping the Bruce Lee words about water, be water, I think i've twisted them a bit but flow around the obstacles, adjust course, keep moving, be the river.
I can't be anyone but me, I don't ski, I don't skate. I ride a bike. I ride many different bikes. But mostly I identify with CX.
Since 1996.... not that long ago it feels, but emperically a lot has happened between then and now. To the bikes and to me. That one race that year. Then winning the series the following year, then mid-pack killer B finishes, then the slow fade to a 40k mile a year behind the wheel of a car loss.
But words that keep coming back to me.
The rest yes, also but those words.
I'm kind of finding it again.
And another point on KF's letter the other day, a bit of the past, moving on past, it was, it happened. Can't go back. Like the river. Those banks and vistas are gone, no matter how nice they seemed and how amazing we think it might have been to turn into a lake at that spot, we're miles past that now, changed by the seasons, shaken by the rapids, transformed by the waterfalls. I'm getting better at being where I am now. There are elements that keep trying to pull me back, suggest things could go back they way they were, but that isn't possible. I have to keep looking forward.
I've delayed the day enough now. Need to move forward, get some stuff done, put some shoes on, go outside. Go grocery shopping, fill the van tires with air after the cold TPMS alert, fill it with gas for the trip tomorrow. But I'm not going to do the oil changes, not yet, low key day, relaxed as much as I can, recover. Refuel.
recenter...
heddwch
G
Thursday, October 18, 2018
Don't write blog posts listening to the Smiths radio
Quick recap - CrosstoBEERfest was fun.
Even racing it as CrossSOBERfest.
I got a nice long note from a friend this morning and it hit all the right notes and it made me realize something about the race last night.
I'd never raced there before, no emo baggage from previous events clogging the memories or feelings. It was all new.
I did totally fuck up with the fact that I forgot who people were or didn't recognize others, sorry to y'all. It isn't easy being 'that guy' even not in the jumpsuit, esp since I'm terrible at linking names and faces until I am not. It takes me a while. But was still pretty awesome being there.
Hanging with Myette was good.
There was mud. There was a line of fucking insane shit that blew through just before the start, dropped the temps by a good pile of degrees - felt like going from 60 to 35, but may have only been 45 but the clouds and mist and the bitching wind that destroyed the course in 2 minutes as the Sport race was finishing. Three of four of them wound up running to the pits to finish with dozens of meters of yellow caution tape in their rear wheel.
It was dark. It was muddy. My bike isn't great for the mud, we've established that. Some of the mud was rideable. I probably could have ridden 2-3 times more of it than i did and that stuff even faster if I had put on the Rocket Ron tubeless tires. But I didn't. Oh well.
I didn't get lapped, I almost was able to stay with Tim Mayo today, BG caught me, I rode with Geo M for a bit, and generally rode my bike. Had one bit of phlem catch in my throat and cause me to gag and nearly puke on the penultimate lap, that sucked and slowed me down a bit in a pedaly section I didn't want to slow down in.
i rode the twisty stuff pretty well. Ran 18-20 psi in the tires and still was sliding a bit on the show ring stuff but the grass and stuff was good. The barriers were almost invisible, and there were SO MANY LOG DISMOUNTS.
I made people sad by not taking beer handups. And yeah this is an unsanctioned beer handup allowed race.
And even then, despite passing up the beer, it was awesome.
I'm my own worst enemy, and I often only manage to write a bit when I'm struggling, and it is a slow process but I am feeling better and more comfortable with me as I am lately. Things are how they are and I'm grateful to have made it through the last 5 years as intact as I am.
Anyway, I've got to get back to dealing with everything here - it is insane, but I'm in a good headspace and maybe racing at 6pm is what I need to do more often.
time to play with the pictures
heddwch,
G
Even racing it as CrossSOBERfest.
I got a nice long note from a friend this morning and it hit all the right notes and it made me realize something about the race last night.
I'd never raced there before, no emo baggage from previous events clogging the memories or feelings. It was all new.
I did totally fuck up with the fact that I forgot who people were or didn't recognize others, sorry to y'all. It isn't easy being 'that guy' even not in the jumpsuit, esp since I'm terrible at linking names and faces until I am not. It takes me a while. But was still pretty awesome being there.
Hanging with Myette was good.
There was mud. There was a line of fucking insane shit that blew through just before the start, dropped the temps by a good pile of degrees - felt like going from 60 to 35, but may have only been 45 but the clouds and mist and the bitching wind that destroyed the course in 2 minutes as the Sport race was finishing. Three of four of them wound up running to the pits to finish with dozens of meters of yellow caution tape in their rear wheel.
It was dark. It was muddy. My bike isn't great for the mud, we've established that. Some of the mud was rideable. I probably could have ridden 2-3 times more of it than i did and that stuff even faster if I had put on the Rocket Ron tubeless tires. But I didn't. Oh well.
I didn't get lapped, I almost was able to stay with Tim Mayo today, BG caught me, I rode with Geo M for a bit, and generally rode my bike. Had one bit of phlem catch in my throat and cause me to gag and nearly puke on the penultimate lap, that sucked and slowed me down a bit in a pedaly section I didn't want to slow down in.
i rode the twisty stuff pretty well. Ran 18-20 psi in the tires and still was sliding a bit on the show ring stuff but the grass and stuff was good. The barriers were almost invisible, and there were SO MANY LOG DISMOUNTS.
I made people sad by not taking beer handups. And yeah this is an unsanctioned beer handup allowed race.
And even then, despite passing up the beer, it was awesome.
I'm my own worst enemy, and I often only manage to write a bit when I'm struggling, and it is a slow process but I am feeling better and more comfortable with me as I am lately. Things are how they are and I'm grateful to have made it through the last 5 years as intact as I am.
Anyway, I've got to get back to dealing with everything here - it is insane, but I'm in a good headspace and maybe racing at 6pm is what I need to do more often.
time to play with the pictures
heddwch,
G
Saturday, October 13, 2018
GPGCX aka Glawstah
First one was back in 2006. Missed it only last year IIRC. Pretty sure I did both days between. There might have been one other year I missed it, haven't really checked.
The year's I raced both days I made the 2 hr one way trip each day. Usually there is one version of the weekend course that suits me. Sometimes Tom Stevens makes it a Saturday one, sometimes a Sunday one.
I haven't raced the 3's aka Killer Bs in a very long time. I'm a very long way away from fitness I had even in 2016. I'm a galaxy away from the fitness I had in 2013, and even then by most measures I still sucked.
But that's nothing new, nothing I have delusions about. But man, being this far off what I have been is not easy. I knew the week was going to have a negative impact, no sleep from stress/anxiety, not eating well, not pedaling much. I haven't done an interval since probably 2015, maybe january '16. Can't remember. It has been a while. Right now I can't because the bikes are broken and the Crockett doesn't fit on my trainer.
Now - add all that with the rain. You know I love the rain. I love finding the traction and I usually do much better in the mud. But that is also partially tire selection. I might as well have been on 40c file treads. Aka lets take a poorly suited tire and make it fatter and even worse on that grease. But nothing to do about it. It is the tire I have on the bike right now. I have one set of really heavy wheels, and it has been a reliable combination, works great when it is dry, pretty good in dry loose stuff, absolutely horrible when it is wet, esp if there are ruts. Also not much mud clearance with those. It was muddy today.
It was pretty damn cold when I got there - upper 40s and rain. I was not prepared for that, I had what I had. That at least turned out to be correct. So, to recap, I knew my fitness was going to be pretty shabby, CORRECT! I knew my tire choice was going to be absolutely wrong, CORRECT! I got clothing right for the race conditions, CORRECT! Unfortunately the last one couldn't help me race better, but at least it kept me from being even worse than I was.
Not DFL, but pretty fucking close. But I did finish. I didn't give up. I did get lapped, and I still got a good 50+ minutes of trying to race.
Starting from the back row in a field of 100 is kind of bonkers. I moved up but there wasn't much else to do but I also didn't go full gas red-line like i did at Mansfield. Maybe I should have, couldn't have hurt me anymore. Picked some awesome lines, passed a bunch of people. Even though my tires were super sketchy at the beginning there was still just enough grip that the first part of the course wasn't a disaster. I avoided piles of dudes going down. But unfortunately when it came time to the pedaly sections I was toast. And would lose most of the spots I had just gained being able to drive the bike. But I wasn't going backwards too fast and there were guys around me. Until the second lap and I made it around to that odd double right hand line chicane just before the path along half moon bay and I took the better left side line, but some other big dude took the shitty right line, botched it and fell on top of me, knocking me off my bike and down into the tape. By the time I got back up and going, Alex M was gone, the guy who knocked me off was already going (he stayed up there by virtue of bouncing off me) and there was only a few behind me.
And then we hit the section from the Rock to the end of the park. The first lap through was good, this time? alone? not so good. Rinse repeat. Alex took a bike, we rode together, he got a beer from the beer garden and stopped. I got lapped. I was told I looked REALLY slow by Justin C. I was slow. The tires were frustrating. I was slipping and sliding but not crashing was good. I managed to save it dozens and dozens of times. Only one time did I punch a wooden stake with my index finger on my right hand. It hurts.
I'm sore. I'm tired. I'm out of shape, the bike is still muddy... it was great seeing people today, but it still felt a bit odd. So many years there as part of a very very closeknit team or working for others and being distracted enough not to notice that absence.
Paul and crew put on a great race, the even was awesome, I raced terribly. But the bike was great other than the tires, I did really appreciate seeing friends there, it was fun having Erin there too. It was very nice having someone in the car on the way home to keep me awake and focused.
We'll see what I can do about Wednesday. I've got tomorrow and most of monday to figure that out.
Oh and i even managed to fuck up the Garmin file. I hit start/stop at the start instead of lap, usually every other time I've done that I correct the mistake. This time not so much. Took me until the unit gave me the powering down beep to notice. I even forgot to put the HR strap on, had it there even, not that the numbers would have meant anything. I might have looked down, felt like i was at an aerobic limit and noted a HR of 140 and tried to get it higher only to not be able to. It doesn't matter though. I captured a little bit of data.
I'm mentally starting to dwell on the bad at the moment, the stuff that I was missing, the wandering around alone parts of the day. The inability to pedal hard enough to look like I was racing and not just riding around. I keep wondering if all that good warm fuzzy awesomeness was all post race beer euphoria. What ever it is, I did actually have fun at times, will I have more fun if I'm in better shape? Maybe, but for now I might go back to sticking with singlespeed. Even for the big races. There were a few there in the Cat 3s with one gear only.
Okay, it is almost 10:30 pm, I'm wrecked but also still wired. Not a good combo. And there's no chance of sleeping in tomorrow. No rest. No bike race but that doesn't mean I get a day off to recover.
but hey at least I kind of got a race report written.
heddwch
G
The year's I raced both days I made the 2 hr one way trip each day. Usually there is one version of the weekend course that suits me. Sometimes Tom Stevens makes it a Saturday one, sometimes a Sunday one.
I haven't raced the 3's aka Killer Bs in a very long time. I'm a very long way away from fitness I had even in 2016. I'm a galaxy away from the fitness I had in 2013, and even then by most measures I still sucked.
But that's nothing new, nothing I have delusions about. But man, being this far off what I have been is not easy. I knew the week was going to have a negative impact, no sleep from stress/anxiety, not eating well, not pedaling much. I haven't done an interval since probably 2015, maybe january '16. Can't remember. It has been a while. Right now I can't because the bikes are broken and the Crockett doesn't fit on my trainer.
Now - add all that with the rain. You know I love the rain. I love finding the traction and I usually do much better in the mud. But that is also partially tire selection. I might as well have been on 40c file treads. Aka lets take a poorly suited tire and make it fatter and even worse on that grease. But nothing to do about it. It is the tire I have on the bike right now. I have one set of really heavy wheels, and it has been a reliable combination, works great when it is dry, pretty good in dry loose stuff, absolutely horrible when it is wet, esp if there are ruts. Also not much mud clearance with those. It was muddy today.
It was pretty damn cold when I got there - upper 40s and rain. I was not prepared for that, I had what I had. That at least turned out to be correct. So, to recap, I knew my fitness was going to be pretty shabby, CORRECT! I knew my tire choice was going to be absolutely wrong, CORRECT! I got clothing right for the race conditions, CORRECT! Unfortunately the last one couldn't help me race better, but at least it kept me from being even worse than I was.
Not DFL, but pretty fucking close. But I did finish. I didn't give up. I did get lapped, and I still got a good 50+ minutes of trying to race.
Starting from the back row in a field of 100 is kind of bonkers. I moved up but there wasn't much else to do but I also didn't go full gas red-line like i did at Mansfield. Maybe I should have, couldn't have hurt me anymore. Picked some awesome lines, passed a bunch of people. Even though my tires were super sketchy at the beginning there was still just enough grip that the first part of the course wasn't a disaster. I avoided piles of dudes going down. But unfortunately when it came time to the pedaly sections I was toast. And would lose most of the spots I had just gained being able to drive the bike. But I wasn't going backwards too fast and there were guys around me. Until the second lap and I made it around to that odd double right hand line chicane just before the path along half moon bay and I took the better left side line, but some other big dude took the shitty right line, botched it and fell on top of me, knocking me off my bike and down into the tape. By the time I got back up and going, Alex M was gone, the guy who knocked me off was already going (he stayed up there by virtue of bouncing off me) and there was only a few behind me.
And then we hit the section from the Rock to the end of the park. The first lap through was good, this time? alone? not so good. Rinse repeat. Alex took a bike, we rode together, he got a beer from the beer garden and stopped. I got lapped. I was told I looked REALLY slow by Justin C. I was slow. The tires were frustrating. I was slipping and sliding but not crashing was good. I managed to save it dozens and dozens of times. Only one time did I punch a wooden stake with my index finger on my right hand. It hurts.
I'm sore. I'm tired. I'm out of shape, the bike is still muddy... it was great seeing people today, but it still felt a bit odd. So many years there as part of a very very closeknit team or working for others and being distracted enough not to notice that absence.
Paul and crew put on a great race, the even was awesome, I raced terribly. But the bike was great other than the tires, I did really appreciate seeing friends there, it was fun having Erin there too. It was very nice having someone in the car on the way home to keep me awake and focused.
We'll see what I can do about Wednesday. I've got tomorrow and most of monday to figure that out.
Oh and i even managed to fuck up the Garmin file. I hit start/stop at the start instead of lap, usually every other time I've done that I correct the mistake. This time not so much. Took me until the unit gave me the powering down beep to notice. I even forgot to put the HR strap on, had it there even, not that the numbers would have meant anything. I might have looked down, felt like i was at an aerobic limit and noted a HR of 140 and tried to get it higher only to not be able to. It doesn't matter though. I captured a little bit of data.
I'm mentally starting to dwell on the bad at the moment, the stuff that I was missing, the wandering around alone parts of the day. The inability to pedal hard enough to look like I was racing and not just riding around. I keep wondering if all that good warm fuzzy awesomeness was all post race beer euphoria. What ever it is, I did actually have fun at times, will I have more fun if I'm in better shape? Maybe, but for now I might go back to sticking with singlespeed. Even for the big races. There were a few there in the Cat 3s with one gear only.
Okay, it is almost 10:30 pm, I'm wrecked but also still wired. Not a good combo. And there's no chance of sleeping in tomorrow. No rest. No bike race but that doesn't mean I get a day off to recover.
but hey at least I kind of got a race report written.
heddwch
G
Friday, October 12, 2018
And then suddenly
Everything is resolved. Not just one but doubly.
Car is working again, and soccer was cancelled.
Hooked the battery back up, checked fuel pressure at the rail (30 psi btw)... Started like the battery was low but it started and stayed running.
Let it idle for a while, drove to the shop. Turned it off, because if it didn't start again I know I can leave it there as long as I need to. But it started there absolutely flawlessly.
While at the bike shop I got an email saying the fields are closed, they are too wet. So no need for two cars or to be packed up really early and race right to the venue in the van and hope to have enough time to get ready.
Kind of like reading a suspenseful book, except i'm the character being tested and it seems like i'm living it with no way out and then suddenly inexplicably everything worked out. This time. Meanwhile there's the massive dark shadow of the deteriorating government of this place, i fear no matter the groundswell that someone is going to make sure the current system stays in place and cheetohead keeps fucking the world up.
Climate change? Pfft, whatever.
So yeah while this small bit of stress has resolved itself, there's still plenty of shit to worry about. But some of us are cursed with awareness and an empathy that prevents us from rolling through life carefree and happy.
But hey, I GET TO RACE GLOUCESTER! Although I'm in the back row with Chris Y and Matt Snow and even Ryan Kelly. Although I don't expect to see Ryan for very long. But maybe I'll manage to pull a few tricks I've learned over the years and not get totally destroyed. Maybe I'll even stay on the lead lap, but I doubt it. But it doesn't matter. I'm looking forward to that challenge. I've got nothing to prove, no sponsors to represent, just racing, for me. And because it is the 20th G-ster, kind of cool to be there for that.
I suppose I should clean the bike off from Tuesday's mud. Although maybe the drive up will do it for me. May not worry about it. Not worrying about the fact that my wheels are insanely heavy, or that my back tire is pretty much bald, and that they are way too wide for mud. It will be what it will be and it will be nice to race.
Even as slow as I am right now.
Probably should eat dinner tonight. Was so fucking wrecked on Wed that I didn't eat. Yesterday got so crazy at work that I didn't eat at all, until dinner.
Ah well.
Tomorrow.
The saga of the GeWilli continues...
heddwch
G
Car is working again, and soccer was cancelled.
Hooked the battery back up, checked fuel pressure at the rail (30 psi btw)... Started like the battery was low but it started and stayed running.
Let it idle for a while, drove to the shop. Turned it off, because if it didn't start again I know I can leave it there as long as I need to. But it started there absolutely flawlessly.
While at the bike shop I got an email saying the fields are closed, they are too wet. So no need for two cars or to be packed up really early and race right to the venue in the van and hope to have enough time to get ready.
Kind of like reading a suspenseful book, except i'm the character being tested and it seems like i'm living it with no way out and then suddenly inexplicably everything worked out. This time. Meanwhile there's the massive dark shadow of the deteriorating government of this place, i fear no matter the groundswell that someone is going to make sure the current system stays in place and cheetohead keeps fucking the world up.
Climate change? Pfft, whatever.
So yeah while this small bit of stress has resolved itself, there's still plenty of shit to worry about. But some of us are cursed with awareness and an empathy that prevents us from rolling through life carefree and happy.
But hey, I GET TO RACE GLOUCESTER! Although I'm in the back row with Chris Y and Matt Snow and even Ryan Kelly. Although I don't expect to see Ryan for very long. But maybe I'll manage to pull a few tricks I've learned over the years and not get totally destroyed. Maybe I'll even stay on the lead lap, but I doubt it. But it doesn't matter. I'm looking forward to that challenge. I've got nothing to prove, no sponsors to represent, just racing, for me. And because it is the 20th G-ster, kind of cool to be there for that.
I suppose I should clean the bike off from Tuesday's mud. Although maybe the drive up will do it for me. May not worry about it. Not worrying about the fact that my wheels are insanely heavy, or that my back tire is pretty much bald, and that they are way too wide for mud. It will be what it will be and it will be nice to race.
Even as slow as I am right now.
Probably should eat dinner tonight. Was so fucking wrecked on Wed that I didn't eat. Yesterday got so crazy at work that I didn't eat at all, until dinner.
Ah well.
Tomorrow.
The saga of the GeWilli continues...
heddwch
G
No closer
To figuring out what is wrong with the car. Sort of.
There's stuff it isn't it seems.
Still wouldn't start yesterday, one possibility is the fuel filter - it has 195k miles. Probably the original. But that's inside the tank and part of the fuel pump. I'm gonna stink of gasoline if I get that far this afternoon.
Could be key? could be. Unlikely. Antenna ring? Unlikely - taking it off it won't even turn over. As in immobilizer seems to not be the problem.
There's a plan worked out though. We all head to soccer, and leave from there and drive straight to Gloucester. Even hitting a bit of traffic I'd get there in time for the race, get to see a bit of the Elites and then head home. Not ideal for racing but fuck it - i'm not acting like much of an athlete off the bike, even on the bike. Strava is showing mostly commuting on the E-bike or doing short smackdowns or races. Nothing else. There is nothing else going on.
No training.
I should do something about that. Or this is just a re-alignment platform to get me headed in the right direction. A handful of lost years, maybe in as many i'll have found something again.
How many lost ones? 2013, combo physical injury (blown up bursa in my knee) and emotional one that g-ride helped facilitate but ultimately of my own doing. Much like the knee. Realistically it has been 5 years of pretty much steady haze of alcohol. each year having fewer and ultimately no AFDs. The loss of that time, the loss of everything, but ultimately not losing anything, other than myself for a long time. Sounds contradictory perhaps, but maybe not.
The resolution of tomorrow is helpful. Having a plan makes it better. Not sure I'll make it to Crosstobeerfest though. But then I'm already wrecked and I have three supremely mentally taxing days in a row with that in the middle, I probably need to skip it to keep some sanity, or at least some physical capacity.
Def need to get the other car running no matter what. Even taking racing out of the equation, there's routine instances when both are needed. Still. Unfortunately. I do hate cars. Hate how dependent we are on them, hate how impossible it is to function given the current round of commitments w/o one.
And yeah listening to smiths on the pandora thing after a drenching ride in before riding back home to work on the car seems right.
Best get going, one down scope at ship street means I have to start the fixing process for that before I can pick up the process of the volvo... man I wish I had better diagnostic tools for the car.
I keep drifting into a mental bubble of thought - distracted, unmoving, not productive... day dreaming i suppose, mentally checking out, not idly but not immediately productive.
Last night I just wanted a break. A few days, even one, that I could just sleep in, not worry about fixing a critically failed something, or get to something else that's been put off only because of emergency. A mental break. I would like to rest my brain. I guess that was one of the protective mechanisms happening while I was drinking. It would certainly shut down enough of the worry processes that I functioned as a coping mechanism. Not having that going on right now is building up I think. And no, not ready to replace it with anything else. If I can't figure out how to function straight edge I can't go back to something else. If i can maybe i will. But part of me really doesn't want to.
Yeah, getting intensely more introspective lately here I guess. And right now esp.
Burning daylight, time, best get moving.
heddwch
G
There's stuff it isn't it seems.
Still wouldn't start yesterday, one possibility is the fuel filter - it has 195k miles. Probably the original. But that's inside the tank and part of the fuel pump. I'm gonna stink of gasoline if I get that far this afternoon.
Could be key? could be. Unlikely. Antenna ring? Unlikely - taking it off it won't even turn over. As in immobilizer seems to not be the problem.
There's a plan worked out though. We all head to soccer, and leave from there and drive straight to Gloucester. Even hitting a bit of traffic I'd get there in time for the race, get to see a bit of the Elites and then head home. Not ideal for racing but fuck it - i'm not acting like much of an athlete off the bike, even on the bike. Strava is showing mostly commuting on the E-bike or doing short smackdowns or races. Nothing else. There is nothing else going on.
No training.
I should do something about that. Or this is just a re-alignment platform to get me headed in the right direction. A handful of lost years, maybe in as many i'll have found something again.
How many lost ones? 2013, combo physical injury (blown up bursa in my knee) and emotional one that g-ride helped facilitate but ultimately of my own doing. Much like the knee. Realistically it has been 5 years of pretty much steady haze of alcohol. each year having fewer and ultimately no AFDs. The loss of that time, the loss of everything, but ultimately not losing anything, other than myself for a long time. Sounds contradictory perhaps, but maybe not.
The resolution of tomorrow is helpful. Having a plan makes it better. Not sure I'll make it to Crosstobeerfest though. But then I'm already wrecked and I have three supremely mentally taxing days in a row with that in the middle, I probably need to skip it to keep some sanity, or at least some physical capacity.
Def need to get the other car running no matter what. Even taking racing out of the equation, there's routine instances when both are needed. Still. Unfortunately. I do hate cars. Hate how dependent we are on them, hate how impossible it is to function given the current round of commitments w/o one.
And yeah listening to smiths on the pandora thing after a drenching ride in before riding back home to work on the car seems right.
Best get going, one down scope at ship street means I have to start the fixing process for that before I can pick up the process of the volvo... man I wish I had better diagnostic tools for the car.
I keep drifting into a mental bubble of thought - distracted, unmoving, not productive... day dreaming i suppose, mentally checking out, not idly but not immediately productive.
Last night I just wanted a break. A few days, even one, that I could just sleep in, not worry about fixing a critically failed something, or get to something else that's been put off only because of emergency. A mental break. I would like to rest my brain. I guess that was one of the protective mechanisms happening while I was drinking. It would certainly shut down enough of the worry processes that I functioned as a coping mechanism. Not having that going on right now is building up I think. And no, not ready to replace it with anything else. If I can't figure out how to function straight edge I can't go back to something else. If i can maybe i will. But part of me really doesn't want to.
Yeah, getting intensely more introspective lately here I guess. And right now esp.
Burning daylight, time, best get moving.
heddwch
G
Wednesday, October 10, 2018
No rest for the weary
Feeling good today after a full dirt smackdown yesterday. Able to go the whole length, even if we shortened it because of the dark and all the flats, or leaky tubeless wheels (mine somehow held air). We sprinted and wound it up on waterfront drive, and Jane and Christian blew my doors off. I dug and spun and worked my butt off, clawed and held on but ultimately the legs were toast.
Pleasantly so. And this morning was nice, a simple ride in on the Crossrip+ so much to do there - was kept busy most of the day and still - yes I need another one of me. Reading back on Gloucester past web log posts here was strange. MULTIPLE POSTS A DAY ON THE BLOG. LOADS OF LINKS AND STUFF! Man the internet was different then.
But sometimes not so much.
Posted a bit about '08 and what not on other media platforms.
Today, right now, i'm sitting down to write because I'm deflated, defeated... not good. Also really tired. No appetite.
I raced home. Plan was to get in the car, swing through the shop, pick up kid, come home and make dinner.
Car didn't start.
Or well it started and then something turned it off. What? Who knows. It was working great on Sunday. No problems. Cranked it - waited, cranked it. All to no result. Pretty much ran the battery all the way down.
Frustratingly there's no error codes. No missing sensors, no faults.
Likely culprit: Fuel pump relay. Fortunately it is an easy fix. Unfortunately the battery is kind of toast and it is really dark outside at the moment.
But here it was - over and over - shit well... shit... Gotta get kid. Wife is at meeting in Warren. Well - finally made contact with her and she was going to head up anyway.
SOOOOOO I hopped back on the Crossrip+ and pegged it at 26-27mph as much as I could to get to the boathouse so kid wasn't wondering what was going on and because who knew how long it would take to get through the traffic.
I got there just as she was looking for me. Seeing me on the bike wasn't unusual, but she wasn't expecting no car. We sat on the bench, i texted with JW about possible issues, read some forum things. Kid got picked up eventually. I made it home just as dark was falling (yeah I rode home).
Actually raced them home. They got a 30 second head start and I spent a bit on the bridge and leading up to the path talking to one of the Marks, but still got home just after they did. Of course those three trips at full turbo boost more or less means I'm riding in in Eco mode in the morning.
Normally no big deal, but hey it is Gloucester weekend. No second car means not racing. Hopefully I can get it started.
Fuel relay isn't bad, charge battery, put a jumper between 3 and 5, fuel pump runs non-stop when key is on. Not good if you crash and pump stays running and spills fuel everywhere but it easy to diagnose.
If it isn't it? Move on to the next possibility.
Sigh.
not feeling great at the moment...
Can't let up though, gotta keep pushing through...
heddwch
G
Pleasantly so. And this morning was nice, a simple ride in on the Crossrip+ so much to do there - was kept busy most of the day and still - yes I need another one of me. Reading back on Gloucester past web log posts here was strange. MULTIPLE POSTS A DAY ON THE BLOG. LOADS OF LINKS AND STUFF! Man the internet was different then.
But sometimes not so much.
Posted a bit about '08 and what not on other media platforms.
Today, right now, i'm sitting down to write because I'm deflated, defeated... not good. Also really tired. No appetite.
I raced home. Plan was to get in the car, swing through the shop, pick up kid, come home and make dinner.
Car didn't start.
Or well it started and then something turned it off. What? Who knows. It was working great on Sunday. No problems. Cranked it - waited, cranked it. All to no result. Pretty much ran the battery all the way down.
Frustratingly there's no error codes. No missing sensors, no faults.
Likely culprit: Fuel pump relay. Fortunately it is an easy fix. Unfortunately the battery is kind of toast and it is really dark outside at the moment.
But here it was - over and over - shit well... shit... Gotta get kid. Wife is at meeting in Warren. Well - finally made contact with her and she was going to head up anyway.
SOOOOOO I hopped back on the Crossrip+ and pegged it at 26-27mph as much as I could to get to the boathouse so kid wasn't wondering what was going on and because who knew how long it would take to get through the traffic.
I got there just as she was looking for me. Seeing me on the bike wasn't unusual, but she wasn't expecting no car. We sat on the bench, i texted with JW about possible issues, read some forum things. Kid got picked up eventually. I made it home just as dark was falling (yeah I rode home).
Actually raced them home. They got a 30 second head start and I spent a bit on the bridge and leading up to the path talking to one of the Marks, but still got home just after they did. Of course those three trips at full turbo boost more or less means I'm riding in in Eco mode in the morning.
Normally no big deal, but hey it is Gloucester weekend. No second car means not racing. Hopefully I can get it started.
Fuel relay isn't bad, charge battery, put a jumper between 3 and 5, fuel pump runs non-stop when key is on. Not good if you crash and pump stays running and spills fuel everywhere but it easy to diagnose.
If it isn't it? Move on to the next possibility.
Sigh.
not feeling great at the moment...
Can't let up though, gotta keep pushing through...
heddwch
G
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