it isn't the heat

...  fill in the blank, but to be honest? It really is just the heat.

Sure a super humid 70°F/21°C is still humid and kind of heavy, but it is bearable and not the worst. Add heat to the mix and it yeah - it is really the heat...  humidity is just fine. A dry heat? sure that's easier to deal with, but it is still hot, will still fuck you up.

One thing I noticed on Sunday, riding in the woods. At least in the different section. The air under the pine trees was much drier than under the oaks and maples and other deciduous trees. The soil is also different, the rocks and roots and leaf litter. Different. Under the pines it is drier. Sure maybe because the pines prefer not to have such wet feet, the maples don't give a shit. It isn't chicken egg - just one succeeds better in a certain place. Trees have patience, time, and multiple opportunities to colonize and thrive in specific places. But that's looking at it from a population perspective. We as humans kind of have to our thing. We can move around, pick and choose. At least the fortunate of us can. And we have to live with the choices we make. 

Riding in the woods is different than on the road. Absolutely more tangible connection with nature, but maybe that's just for the Botanist part of me. Maybe not everyone else sees the changes in flora on subtle levels or feels as connected. 

I got thinking about ride arounds and other trail problems. Trails are kind of like rivers but the river being sentient. We flow along these trails. Sometimes we make new ones, sometimes they are well thought out, sometimes they just happen. sometimes the trails change, they get wider. Some times there's a break through, suddenly one bend is easier to cut off. So it gets cut off. Sometimes someone comes through and piles debris in the cut off and the flow resumes normally, back in the designed or haphazard path. I've added a few piles of junk in a few places that I've noticed on a few trails since just starting. I usually do that when riding alone. Stop, gather, move on.

I haven't stopped to re-ride sections even though maybe I got close to getting it just right and am starting to figure out the sequence of moves it takes to get my big bike and self over something with one gear. I understand sessioning, esp in race situations on courses. But on trails we ride routinely? Not so much. We'll see it again. I'll see it again. Maybe I'll be following someone and get towed right in the correct way. Maybe I'll actually finally get the combo of speed and line just right. This weekend I got really close to a few sections that have been giving me trouble. And I managed to screw up a few others than I usually get w/o a problem. It is strange, how the shit that gave me the most trouble and I didn't ever enjoy are things I have the most fun on and look forward to. The first time I rode I see dead people i walked nearly the whole thing. Yesterday I only dabbed twice, one longer than the other and it led to the second. 

A quick 45 min ride, maybe 50 min in the woods on Saturday morning was nice, had buckets of energy all day. Sunday's ride sucked it all out - much longer ride, chasing and mostly hanging on to Steve O and Liz A, hitting the more challenging stuff, not so much Syl's climbing loop level up and down but close. I was tired. Maybe i should gear down for a while, just to change things up. Go to a 22t rear cog for a while, spend some time going slower but maybe the same speeds but at a higher cadence. 

We'll see. The rear wheel was fixed and taken care of. The tires is kind of fucked but patches and repairs may be holding. Might just need to get a new tire for the back. Or try the XR2 again. But I really like the big knobs and the spacing of them on the XR4. Schwalbe is supposed to be coming out with a 3.0" tire soon, but not yet. 

Maybe the leaking is done and it will hold. Maybe.

Out of sorts lately, but not terrible. Not sleeping great, but maybe it is the heat. The AC in the house is barely keeping up. Probably a lot to do with running AC through duct work designed just for heating. Need the classic super intake above the stairwell in most houses build/designed for both. Def could use a high point return. Or something. Wondering if I can do some simple moving of the air from 2nd floor landing to the basement (there's an accessible chase). Just need an enclosed fan and some flex or other ducting to get the air from the Top down, or maybe push the other way - move the cold air up into the space...  not sure which would cool it down more. Fuck wouldn't be too hard to try eh?

Just need stuff. 

Was told I need to get some friends. I sighed, chuckled and shrugged. probably. I'm not good at that, or keeping friends, both my own fault and my personality. I'm a bit intense. Too much. And just different enough to be frustratingly not normal. Such is life eh?  Choices we make. Life goes on.

I didn't bring enough lunch today, ate all the snacks in the office last week, guess maybe i should just make some more coffee and  suck it up. 

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch

G

The TT - once again

At least this morning I didn't tweak my back. Could breath. Could put my elbows on the pads and get in the aero position w/o serious pain and could breath deeply. 

These are pretty solid things. I ate and timed the eating better. Downed 3/4 of a sleeve of Cliff blocks 15 min before rolling out. And didn't have the major huger crash riding home. Heck riding home felt pretty good. Sore for sure. 

It looks like i was about 30 seconds faster than last week. Turns out comparing your times from past segments is kind of impossible now. You can see your time and segments for each ride but w/o premium no comparison. 

I fucked up the start of the TT, hit start stop instead of lap, that delayed me. Then discombobulatedly slow to clip in (these damn Ultegra SPDs are not counter weighted well - and single sided is silly but they work). Should have gotten up to speed sooner, should have pushed a bit more at the top of that first peak and held that speed a bit higher, but I didn't have the fade by Agricultural and 118 came up really fast, usually there's some holy fuck this hurts moments along that section. Cranked it out feeling good, trying to keep the cadence and speed up and stay in the tuck. It worked pretty well. Surprisingly hit the halfway mark (118) at 9:2something...  that's not bad, hmm...  of course I did full on die on the rise there before the power lines and the right hand turn onto Reynolds. But got to Reynolds, and we all know how much this sucks, today there was a strong headwind on it too. I made a big effort to get up to speed, and looked down and holding 20 or so? WTF - that's pretty good for me for this road over the last few years...  okay lets push it...  felt gassed as we passed under the powerlines, tried to recover a bit on the downhill left hand sweeper, but also tried to keep pedaling... Again on Peck got passed, Ciril passed me, and then, I launched on the second half of the hill on Peck and went roaring past him and crested at a good clip and got it up to 32 and settled and coasted and recovered. Maybe should have started pedaling sooner or kept pedaling the whole time just to keep the speed up as long as possible but the recovery was important, and well I'm a big guy, and this bike rolls well...

Got through the last bit, working hard, but not quite as hard as I could have, I think I was distracted and left a little on the road. Still flew around the corner, probably slowed down too much on the right hander but I finished up and rolled back, then rolled down, adn back. Recovered and chatted (masked up) and then rode home.

Of course - i totally just now remembered some key factor. This morning I took the frame pump off the bike. the clamp rubs the inside of my fat thighs. And hey - I have yet to use it on the bike. Tossed the mini pump in the seat back. On waterfront drive, after dropping my bag off in the car, well...  got a flat. little cut. Very sad. But since I was early, no big deal. Caught a draft on the bullet train (John Harris/ButcherBlock and Davis) over on Brown and that felt pretty awesome. Good wake up. But still riding over felt good. Legs didn't feel terrible. 

And I made it home w/o another flat. But I will need to replace these tires soon. Maybe they'll hang on for a few more TTs. We'll see. 

Just put some lube on the chain - should be ready to go next week! Rear disc cover is pretty sad - needs some repair. Gotta come up with a better attachment system. Or replace it. It's pretty rough. But still aero.

Things have been busy, crazy, nuts. Lots of stressful conflict, but I think resolved. A handful of shit is broken but all fixed now and lots of other things needing work. But it can all wait till Monday. I hope. Gonna take a long weekend, use one of the vacation days I'll be losing if I don't use it. Will I relax? Nah probably head to the bike shop - fix the MTB, get it ready for the weekend one way or another and see what else happens. Odd not having 'the shop' just a few miles away. That one is still there but not quite the same...

Like I told CF - i think i can probably find more time on that course, riding it feeling like I did today is very different than how I rode it the last few (five?) years. Probably can't get back sub 19 min like my 2013 self, but maybe i can get sub 20, and that would be fabulous. Goals, even tiny little insignificant ones are good, esp with how the world is rolling now.

Y'all take care of yourself and everyone around you.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch

G

breaking shit

So riding the mountain bike is kind of perfect.

After the first morning and then doing the shop thing my back was feeling so much better, and my hip was still this morning but good now. Back was all better by sunday afternoon.

Of course I woke up and started getting ready only to realize well that my wallet (had ID and health card and work ID on me - from the TT) left wallet and the payment stuff (cards and cash) in an office drawer. 

The van was on empty. E was out of the house already and well, shit - gonna be late for the ride. made it to the office and then the nearest not overpriced gas station on fumes. I don't usually put 19 gallons in the big van.

Hit the trails. tried riding down fosters and fucked it up monumentally. i was a mess on the bike. But i felt better.

Sunday did a bit more riding. planned for longer, left earlier - headed out, chill pace, felt good though - Fosters over to Dead Shed and then up to Hopkins Hill lot. Saw wacko. Waited for him and the crew grew a bit. The pace was awesome, chill, fun, and we were seeking out the more flow. Kind of opposite of what we normally do. 

Came through stacy's ass (name of the trail - no i don't know who it is named after or who named it) we split up and headed back. And the flow and woops and stuff were so fun. Took a right at a pair of hikers smoking cigs. Yeah. tobacco, who the fuck smokes that in the woods, well these two were. and then I was just flowing behind steve, felt so good - ripping through...  then i heard a weird sound. Like a rock hit the chainstay or something. It was different, odd but not much in the feedback that seemed distinctive.

And then we took a left turn and the bike washed out more and... fuck...  rear is losing air...

fuck..

fuck fuck fuck....

but then I got excited because I could hear the leaking air  - maybe i can use one of my plugs and it'll be all good...

nope...

found a crack in the carbon rim. Cracking these rims would have absolutely destroyed the alloy rim, so that's not terrible. I started the day with 11.5 PSI in the rear tire - maybe I need to stick to 12 as a minumum with the new wheels. 

Well.

It wasn't holding air - looked like the air was leaking from the crack (it wasn't - there was also a very small cut in the tire right at that point - but not pluggable -  but i didn't notice that till I was taking it apart). Gonna need to get some more base tape. https://www.mcmaster.com/1781n11 looks like the right stuff - cheaper than others.

so anyway - bike is sitting at the shop and once again spent time with the bike instead of building bikes...  and hoping carbon care covers the wheel replacement/warranty. We'll see. I guess I need to make sure to put an extra bit of air, maybe run more sealant, dunno, but again, let me re-iterate. It SUCKS inflating a 29x3" tube with a mini-pump, and yes - C02 are awesome, but I'd need to carry a half dozen of them regular sizes to fill this tire. 

Was a great ride - not feeling tired - felt fresh was really having fun, back was loosening up, hip was feeling great. All good shit.

And even that didn't mess it up. I do have the back up wheels I can put on there, waiting on timing from the mothership as far as replacement goes. 

Tired - but feeling good. Murderbot book 5 was fabulous. Super enjoyable btw. also a quick read, easy read maybe but also fun so easier to read full on fun books.

The day has gone sideways but kind of normal - shit's gone sideways and we may be in a 4 wheel drift but i'm just barely able to keep it under control... barely...

so i guess it is all just as it is always...

i'm hanging on - reacting to shit instead of planning heading towards a destination...

life - 

that's why i guess Amor Fati Motherfuckers works so well for me - 

heddwch

G

ouch

managed some sleep, but fuck, me, i'm even more broken.

30 odd miles with a TT and a bad back on 177.5 cranks, then a recovery day with 175 cranks...  guess what feels like it is a year and a half ago to say 9 years ago? My left hip/lower back. The normal pain i lived with every day as I woke up and it slowly got better and manageable until I stopped moving overnight and then got worse again.

The pain that more or less completely went away last year after I switched everything over to 180 cranks and stopped riding the E bike more than once a week.

Guess I need some 180s on the Paramount. Fresh out of cranks tho, damnit. 

Don't want to disable another bike to get this one going. I could I guess, just don't want to.

Maybe I just need to not ride the e-bike and make it even worse after the TT. 

BUT i'm also going to try something, going to try the fix that worked last time. MTB ride and then working at the shop. 

Started reading Murderbot book 5. It is so good. Just want to read it non-stop. Not sure why it is so good but it is. I was saving it for when I finished Grail but man that has been tough to do.  Jumping the cue. 

still pretty tired, need to watch myself, also need to take two days off before August, at least two... maybe I can figure that out...

It is windy out there but no real precipitation, will hit the woods for a short ride,  fingers crossed it does the trick. 

I better get ready, gotta pack up for the whole day. And fill the van up with fuel, all this driving... not a fan but it has been overall worth it. We'll see how I feel in a month or so...

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch

G

streaks are what I do

I guess including a long streak of not writing here.

It has been busy. I have not felt inspired. I'm still tired. 

Trying to listen, trying to be present (in absence) for people I care for (almost called them friends, we've been over that)...

So what's been going on? Yesterday woke up with a back all wound up and ready to seize. I've described it before, used to happen quite a bit. More lately than in the past for some reason I'm not sure of. But unlike the last time (fixed with a long MTB ride and working on bikes), it was TT day. It started to twinge like it was going to seize making coffee. Yeah. Well then I had to put together the new Erg we've been waiting for months to get here. Not a big deal. But it inched the pain a bit up the scale, reduced the painfree motion a little more. 

And then I got on the Paramount to ride in to work. Tried the aero bars... ouch. the narrow shoulder position that normally isn't a problem made it worse. And it kind of just kept radiating all day. I was tired. Had an extra coffee at 4:15 - you know TT need any boost i can get. it was hot out. One bottle on the bike, one in the jersey. No food.. Dropped backpack off in the car at the boathouse on the way to the TT. 

Was. Not. Feeling. It. riding there. Trying to ride faster than 20 mph felt impossibly difficult. not a good sign going into a 20min TT. 

Bikeworks has been running this thing for a long time. I've been doing this same TT for how many years? 14-15? there were a couple years when it didn't happen.. but that's kind of a long time to ride the same thing.

last year i think I did them all bandit/cannibal style on the Klein. My times were s.l.o.w.

This year they went with strava timing, socially distanced, no grouping/gathering. self seeding and spacing. But starting all around the same time to make it comparable condition wise.

I rolled off somewhat early. There were a lot of fast people there. Good old Paramount with the aerobars 40mm deep carbon front wheel and janky plastic disc cover over the rear wheel. New fork from Burke meant I was not longer terrified of the spider cracked aluminum fork failing on a bump/seam in the pavement (of which there are hundreds on the ride there and back).

So, the laundry list of what the fuck am I doing at TT that any one of them should have been enough to just stay home? Tired, sleeping poorly lately, exhausted mentally, couldn't find energy to pedal, back seized and painful to breath deeply. And it was windy and almost 90°F. 

But fuck it - I'm stubborn, Amor Fati motherfuckers. Lets dig in and push because what other fucking choice does my brain give me? 

The thing is about this TT is I know it, really really well. The pacing is kind of automatic. I know where to push and when to chill, when to drive it hard and wind up empty at the end. I have a pretty good idea of how things are going based on my speed at certain points and the timing. 

I was actually kind of shocked to be just around the 10 min mark at halfway, that first part def felt slower than usual, speeds seemed like I could have been going faster, but okay. sure enough i started hating the tiny little elevation bumps heading into Reynolds... got caught just before reynolds...  made the turn not to far behind, and surprised myself by being 1-2mph faster than I have been on that first slight uphill on reynolds in the recent years. I also wasn't dying yet. I couldn't go much faster but i also wasn't as dead as usual.

And I wasn't losing ground to the person who caught me. 

The real halfway point isn't so much the mid point it is that turn on the Reynolds. From there it is a tough stretch, a few turns and there was someone else catching me (the staging was self seeding, some people waited 15 second some 45 seconds) guy on a big black new specialized TT/tri bike in black Rapha kit. He came around immediately after the turn on Peck. There's a hill there, a good one. 

Secret is to fucking drill it on that hill and over the top. You kind of have to, and you can because once you get of the top and up to speed you can coast and not slow down and recover.

I passed fancy TT bike guy on the hill and headed down chasing the other guy that passed me, I cruised coasting down the hill in the bars, over 30, tried to keep the speed up as much as possible, slowly slowly caught the guy up front, black TT bike guy wasn't gaining, weird, I dug and drove and pushed and breathed and then we hit the light, and the dangerous intersection ahead sign, I set up a bit more conservatively for the turn (fucking cars can kill you man it ain't worth it to go full gas through that thing) and TT bike guy closed the gap, out of that last turn I jumped and got back up to speed, dropped  back into the tuck and pedaled it out- tt guy 'raced' me to the line, so he passed me twice, but the other guy never caught me.

It fucking hurt like hell, I was dead at the end, dropped the bike and took off the helmet and dumped some water over my head off by myself on a corner of grass. 

Eventually I recovered- as predicted lots of the people were gathering and talking together. I stayed apart. 

Headed home with Burke. felt surprisingly good until we got to the end of Homestead, He had a 5 second gap at the top of Walker that stretched to 25 seconds by the time we got to wheeler track and well I never saw him after that. 

I was pretty dead though, hungry, legs were toast and there was a headwind. 

Took a while once I got home to eat, kid made quiche...  i should have had some more/extra CHO source because my brain was FUCKED trying to sleep, and my back was torturous. Couldn't move, couldn't get a position that wasn't painful...  finally stopped noticing the passage of time by about 1am. must have actually slept  because I didn't wake up until after 7:30...  and i probably would have kept sleeping if I had a choice. 

I'm coasting through the day. Took the Crossrip+ in to work today - yeah the e-bike - so lux so nice, so needed. Of course I headed out to leave wearing my cycling shoes, forgetting the bike has big flat pedals on there now. Changed shoes. Rode in.

Time for meeting - will finish lunch later.

remember

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch

G

PS - my time for the TT was about a minute faster than the fastest time last year. Glad I went. I think I can do better next time.

Sobriety and Singlespeeding

In popular cycling culture these two seem like diametric opposites.

But - i said a word in my head earlier today on the bike ride in.

let me set the scene.

So I'm riding, there's a person on a bike trailing behind me, a ways back, noticed them early on. Ever so slowly they were catching me, then they went by quite a bit faster than the approach speed. A burst maybe.

Sure enough the old guy on the fancy hybrid (flat bar road bike) slowed down after getting a bit in front of me. Kept his pace just slightly higher than mine. Gained a bit of ground.

Then we hit the little rise after the causeway. most people who ride the path call it a hill. 

I'm on the singlespeed (duh) and well - there's some extra motivation to keep the speed up - it just isn't possible to slow down like people with gears. very much true what old solobreak said "you only go as fast as your easiest gear"... 

So I hit the hill - and do a pretty decent job of maintaining a good bit of my momentum. And flat bar road bike guy -he shifted, way down. And I'm catching up. 

Singlespeeding is cycling attenuated. But in most cases that's really not too bad, you can still go fast esp if you can spin, and being forced to not go so slow isn't the worst.

So yeah - obviously been thinking about it and discussing it with others this whole different style that Singlespeed MTB is, and CX and well fucking any singlespeeding.

Got up the top of the hill - old dude on flat bar road bike shifts and drills it, restores the gap, and resumes his pace that is just a slight bit higher than i was lazily maintaining this morning. 

that's when the link between the two kind of hit.

The very first thing I noticed about being sober was the attenuation of emotion. And given how low the lows were - that was fucking fine. very much like singlespeeding, that top end? it might take a bit more work, and the highest high (speed or whatever) is slightly out of reach, but it is reachable, and those lows - just aren't there. 

Sure sometimes you have to get off and walk. And that, you know what? Is totally fine.

Brain kind of did that the rest of the way in. And THEN...

I passed a woman on another flat bar road bike. I was going faster, but then we had the long downhill and a blind left turn. All the years of pulling the kid in the trailer, well I still am cautious there. So I slow down, nearly stop, check that it is clear and roll through, I catch a glimpse of the woman on the bike - bombing down the hill...  Next is a 4 way stop, I slow down, check, THEN roll through after coming to nearly a stop. 
next up is the approach to the bike path, it is a stop sign, cross traffic goes fast and doesn't stop. 

I stop, look, clear and start rolling and she flies past me up the path. I laugh, shake my head. And now she's looking back because now I'm following, but she's picked he pace up, I'm on a singlespeed - i'm going my own pace.

Follow, she keeps looking back. I start feeling weird hoping I'm not making her feel worried or scared or something. She stops halfway up the winding bits on the ramp up to the India point part bridge to say hi to someone she knows sitting there. Super brief, I get one switch back ahead and she starts riding again.

I get up to the 4 way at wickenden. stop - car goes, i go, East, well i check as I ride through. Make the left on Williams, pause (okay clear) right on Hope. Then 4 way stop. I stop, car there first goes, I get started again and woman on flat bar road bike BLOWS past me. Okay not that fast but still she just kept going right through. And does this for the next 4 way stop signs. Lucky for her there is a green light crossing Waterman, And miracles of miracles there is a red light at Angel and she stops. But it turns green right away, she looks concernedly at me kind of sideways as I turn left and she continues on.

Attenuation. Caution. 

A curious interaction. 

So I working back, Singlespeeding is kind of like Sobriety, for me. Maybe not for you, or for others, and seems strange since most people with one gear are pounding beers, getting stoned, you know, 'having fun' but guess what, I'm having just as much fucking fun sober, probably more fun (than I would have been if not).

Life's pretty fucking strange.

My eye is VERY slowly healing (getting older sucks), and things are up in the air and all but I'm getting a stick shoved way up my nose in a few minutes and yeah... looking forward to that!

Y'all be good...

Don't race - the risk isn't to you (although it is) it is to those around you - going to a race isn't any different than going to an outdoor bar - avoid it.

Amor Fati motherfuckers

heddwch

G

whirlwind begins

The whole extra couple days of working a week is going to be fun.

But actually fun. 

And exhausting.

Got a great ride in on Sunday, bailed on riding saturday morning early because, early and not recovered and the sty chalazion or whtever the fuck is in my eye has been messing with my sleep, oh and the big really bad idea ride on Wed kind of kicked my ass.

I did take saturday off the bike - went down to work, stopped and got groceries on the way home, ate, went to bed, got up early, met the Monks at Big River. There was SO much rain on saturday, but it was also as dry as it can get w/o being in a drought. The trails were so parched and dry that only the already damp wetland areas held any water and even then the puddles/water was less than it is normally. While the soil was damp it was solid.  

Chasing the little squirrel riders (me, i'm the big bear) i could see the very subtle disruption in the mix of organic debris where their tires had gone (somehow i kept getting a handful of seconds behind them). 

Thought about influences growing up, specifically in this case Tom Brown's Tracker, and then also how much the Pacific Northwest Indigenous culture and other indigenous cultures influenced me...  I read a lot growing up, still read a lot, but the realization of just how unique it is for some white dude to have been so profoundly influenced by the native traditions and cultures in many ways. Sure i was able to pick and chose, not perfect but the harmonious existence with their surroundings, the paying attention to everything and the practical knowledge resonated.

Anyway, got me wondering how many of my friends read the Tom Brown stuff growing up...

probably not to many, 

While the trails were damp and tacky the roots were icy slick, most of the rocks weren't much better and the foliage was dripping and the air was dense. I shoulder checked a tree at one point and then ever wet shrub i brushed with my shoulder stung with a new application of water. 

The change in traction was fun, made it different, more challenging, we had a great ride, I made it back finishing both bottles ON the ride, again running out of water. My heart rate wouldn't go up, max of only 153, but most of the time when it would have been 155 (just looking down at it after a stupid hard climb in the singlespeed) it was 144...  tired...  still... also the heat but mostly i think fatigue. I could feel the lack of snap. (guess i am going to garmin connect for the data instead of strava - dunno why it won't let me see it if i recorded the data - that's pretty fucking dumb - you want me to pay for the service to see the data i collected? not your analysis just the numbers not super cool but then maybe it is a good thing and it will motivate others to pay - but me? nah - i'll go to garmin).

One thing that was different was i felt a bit easier going up, the hard low cadence stuff (fucking most of wednesday to be honest) actually seemed to take a bit less effort, was slightly less taxed at the end. Now was that just because my HR was low and it felt easier or is the perception due to an adaption?

Hard to tell honestly, but i'm going to go with a slight adaptation.

Another really cool thing is just how many different subtle ecosystems/biomes there are out in Big River. Super cool and different to ride through them all, they each have a different feel and i just fucking love it. 

AKA MOUNTAIN BIKES are awesome. Duh.

Sure the Deer Flies hatched this week so that is a new less than fun thing out there, but they are pretty minor and don't impact how awesome it is out there. 

Short week. we'll see what happens out there, lots to pack in. No big rides this week - maybe next week. Have another couple days of vacation to use or lose, def using at least one if not both for some big day midweek fun rides.

stay safe, stay healthy, wear your mask (w/o a vent- no vents - vents are evil and horrible and might as well NOT wear a mask) 

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch
G

now THAT was a bad idea ride

Trademark that. I was warned.

I knew it was going to be rough going in.

I saw the elevation profiles, the % grades.

I saw the temps.

I knew there was likely no spots to resupply on the course.

And yet, I loaded up, put on my sunscreen, brought as many bottles as I could carry and set out.

With one gear.

30PSI in the 700x45 Hutchinson Toureg tires on the Aeolus 3V wheels.

38x15 gears... lights, tools, two sandwiches, two cliff bars, sleeve of margarita blocks USB battery and a cable for the phone and garmin, bandana around my head (sweat catcher) and around my neck (germ and dust catcher). Stuck a 4th bottle in the mini-frame bag.

I chronicled the ride using instagram stories, quick video clips throughout the day. 

There was a lot of climbing. There was a lot of sand and big rocks, and sticks, and spiderwebs and deer flies. Two ferocious dogs that chased and barked and nipped at my heels (twice). 

There was a death grip descent and then a drop over a log, looked clean, went over it only to see what was hiding was a SECOND log. I for sure thought I was going over the bars, but managed to hold my body position back and keep from pitching forward and just barely recovered and nose rolled over the second log. If it was a mm or two further away from the first log i'd have eaten shit pretty badly in a really remote area. 

Of course there were the wide open dirt road descents. that were not straight. 

Did I mention we haven't really had much ran in the last couple weeks? And this stuff is mostly sand? 

It was slippery as fuck out there. BUT even on the steepest grindy bits in that tall gear, those tires held on like velcro and the width saved my butt countless times over in the lose sand. No it isn't as good as the big 3" tires on the MTB but it was still better than most CX bikes can run.

I did have to walk up a few hills. One just went on and on and on and it was hot and i just couldn't keep pedaling. So I got off, and started walking, and then realized I could eat while I walked, it was about half way. Good time to eat. Then a CCB rider on a red specialized saw me walking up and slowed way down and asked if I was okay/needed anything. I just said - singlespeed - sudden dawn of recognition across his face and he was rolling again. 

Saw Melissa and Tracey out there. Talked to them for a few minutes, I needed the break, had just climbed some stupid steep stuff, lots of as slow as possible but still moving forward climbing before seeing them. 

heard a few thunder booms while chatting with them, they headed down the stuff I went up and I kept moving. Saw some signs of rain drops but never got wet all day. 

Ran out of water even rationing it. Looked at all the houses for someone outside I could ask to fill bottles up from a hose, no one. No stores.

Popped out at the DPW garage where I did the first singlespeed MTB ride in Arcadia, and knew there was an Ice cream shop up the road from there, but the route turned off well before that and well... i followed the route.

Made it to Don's house a few miles from the end of the route. And yes, There were LOTS of times when I could have just said fuck it and headed back, skipped a section, but i didn't, i, like a dumbass, followed the course exactly. And had to ride the last 10 miles completely out of water in the hot sun in upper 80 temps. okay well i think i saved the last swig of water until maybe 5 miles to go. 

At Don's i drank a couple bottles of ice water there - gave myself a brain freeze, he had a bottle of ice coffee ready and i left with that and two full big bottles of water. And rode right up the big fucking hill. 

BTW the bandanna was really helpful for filtering out all the dust.

And then finished all three bottles just after getting on the East Bay bike path for home. Legs recovered enough to sprint down cranston at full speed, was a surprise. All recovered and more hydrated and fueled (finished my last sandwich on the coventry bike path - the downhill with a tailwind part). 

The gear was fine except when it wasn't which means it should have been a bit lighter - maybe a 38-17 instead, but in the end, I made it home. chatted with John Harris just after the 100 mile mark. 

got home - drank a bunch of water, ate a big salad, then some potato chips, had more water and tried to sleep. 

Got up, got on the same bike and rode in. Felt pretty good actually.

it was a long day in the saddle, but a good day...

The consistent ear worm? for some reason this

It was a lot of work, lots of low cadence grinding, high speed downhill death grip (i do now want hydros on this bike - the Spyres are great cable brakes but they are NOT hydros).

might have to put the wideos up somewhere to preserve them... maybe IG feed...  will think about that

anyway

wear your mask

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch

G

PS embedded the videos over on the IG: https://www.instagram.com/ge_willi/ 

my turn for bad idea ride

this i guess is pretty much every big ride, right?

tomorrow is bad idea ride ...

been too long...

also?

been a while since I've had a good long ride alone. 

tried to wrangle up a few folks, no dice.

weather's looking iffy, riding alone is fine in a thunderstorm, no muddy spray from the other riders. 

on the other hand I guess it will be interesting to see how the roads do with the big fat tires

and singlespeed

and the 8% grades

not the MTB

no the CXy bike - the same set up I did the Coast to Coast on, but this time one gear. 

mark shared the gearing for his ride - and well, i'm smack in the middle of 2nd and 3rd... in his opinion pretty tall. 

but this is the east coast, it ain't west coast, we've got short punchy hills, not long sloggy silly things that go on forEVER.  AkA single speed is just fine.

i hope

we'll find out

best get home and start organizing everything

water is the one variable i've not totally figured out

but fuck it - that's part of the game right?

course is loaded on the Garmin...

lets see what happens...

worst case it'll be a good story...

heddwch
G

Everest This

Take a break from the dumpster fire world we're in right now and read this:
https://www.wsj.com/articles/he-climbed-everest-on-a-bike-twice-in-one-week-11592833156

Sure - Siberia is melting, and fuck it all what isn't.

Been a bit since last writing, I should be doing something like eating lunch right now, but nah.

Father's day weekend eh? Hope your's was good. I got in a good ride with the Monks in Big River. we drew a snail on strava and then i went back out and made a little 45 minute loop, rode up Don's on the Single speed and generally found a bunch of extra hills I didn't intend to ride. And then went back to the van, sat, chatted with Jim and then Jack. Headed home and was wiped out.

The ride was great. But the day started auspiciously. Flat rear tire. Felt like it was losing air last week, but I'd been checking it all week, stayed inflated. even Saturday, felt a tiny bit softer maybe but was full of air until i went out in the morning and found it. Put air in it, stopped to put more air in a few times just for good measure. i think maybe the narrower rim is changing my calibration number (need more air) but maybe there's a week bit of a hole somewhere.

I'll deal with that later. Maybe.

Father's day is tough on both ends. This year was good in that I actually didn't have to make dinner for a change and I got out for a mtb ride. last year I talked to my dad, he was still in rehab, but I only got to talk to him via my brother who was visiting and called for my dad. Saw him in december. Funny thing is when I'd say something about feeling bad about not calling more frequently he always replies "it is a two way street." For a longest time it just kind of kept me calling more regularly, but then, I dunno, if it is a two way street - time for traffic to go both ways. it is stubborn duh but also hey if he doesn't want to call, maybe he doesn't want to talk. IDK. I did send him a photo of myself out in the woods with the bike via text and the words happy father's day. But his voicemail box is full, and he probably doesn't look at his phone. And i was talking with brother out here last night, he hasn't gotten a call and he's arguably the closest with our dad, he's also kind of given up trying to reach out and talk lately, I expressed the feeling that if I had a son, and my son became a father, I'd sure as FUCKING HELL call his ass on Father's day to wish HIM happy father's day, my brother absolutely agreed with that...  so I dunno. Mulling about that seems pretty fucking trivial when people are getting killed and lynched and maced and beaten up and having rights taken away and brutalized and getting sick from the pandemic and fucking DUMPSTERFIRE.

Fuck. 

I've got a vacation day I need to use or lose, there's a fuck ton of shit going on, hoping to take it this week go do a stupid ride. not Jackbombay stupid (205 miles on a roadbike with a sturmey archer 3-speed hub) but maybe just half that with a third of the gears.. with a lot of gravel.

Jim G has a really cool devious route in the works...  but this week I'm thinking the Greasy Joe's gravel route, but ride there, on the Crockett - still singlespeeded - hoping to get Chip to join for the GJ part of it, so he can pack a cooler of cold water/skratch/whatever and I can top up at the start and at the end of that 50 mile section so i don't have to do the full 100 miles unsupported. But you know what you can count on? Schedules not lining up. But hey we'll see. 

The was definitely a good low low last week. Bit of a rebound but still strange. Did drive down to 'Gansett on Saturday. That drive is going to be a deal breaker unless I can put a MTB ride in on one end or the other and that's looking really good. Stopped in to the old shop and got kicked out of the employee entrance by the blue shirts from corporate. Waited like the customer I am and went in and checked out the showroom (wasn't allowed in the back to see what changes happened there). Which was weird. But whatever, I get it. 

I really should stop writing and following tangents that pop up in my head as I'm writing (like posting a photo from last year) 

That was one of the best days on the bike - ever maybe. It had fucking everything, good bad ugly awesome... 

Well - better eat before the meeting.

Maybe I'll catch back up with the rest later. 

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

amplify this

 

 for real - 

like listen over and over - 

there's so much in this short set so much love

link: https://www.npr.org/2020/06/15/875430577/alicia-keys-tiny-desk-concert

Stevil keeps the writing real, check his: buckle up

and then go back and listen to Alicia again...

heddwch

G

not sure what it means

But I headed over to the youtubes this morning - Brandi C was up there with a birthday tribute mix of three songs...  and then her Boston Calling set from 2017 cued up...

I got lost in the music for a while, and i had to blot away tears a few times...

Carl shared the Alicia Keys tiny desk, go not ever partway through the first song and had to blink that shit out of my eyes, hit stop and stop working at my desk. 

Was riding in this morning...  not good... you know we all talked about that category of feeling like shit and esp when you can't place exactly what it is that is making you feel like shit and then you feel even worse because you are one of the lucky ones and then it makes it even worse and you just sort of spiral down into uselessness? yeah...  that...

I'm tired. Like holy shit how fucking tired I had no idea. But haven't been sleeping much once the sun comes up, haven't been sleeping well when the sun is down. haven't managed to take a nap because i have been drinking enough coffee to be functional and well that ain't working for the sleep, have been stopping drinking coffee soon enough to fall asleep. 

And the world is fucking crazy... I'm worried more about my friends than ever, although, I gotta wonder, do I really have any friends, maybe not. They are all just people that I know. yeah this is def in line with how i'm feeling at the moment - it'll probably change - you can read into it what you want...

It was a slog in this morning, not because of the ride the day before. Just was a slog. The MTB ride was awesome. there was one stupid steep climb that took every last everything to get up, I got up it, and my HR stayed pegged for a surprisingly long time. The effort was total, maxed out oxygen capacity, curious.

But the ride was awesome, fun. Who'd a though I'd feel perfectly happy riding XC through rock gardens on a singlespeed mid-fat 29r trail bike. Hell I only have 120mm travel up front, is it really even a trail bike?  But with that dropper down zoom zoom.

Did drop a chain, managed to avoid serious injury. Need to tension it back up. Lost a few PSI in the tires - running under 10 is not fun, 10.5 is probably the lowest I can go, but i started at 11.5, somehow lost something out there. Added more and it held, checked when i got back and it was 11. 

Really love that Topeak digital floor pump. One stroke is 0.5 psi on the gauge with my tires. 

I don't want to make anyone who feels slighted by my comment above - i'm just feeling pretty lonely i guess. And tired. And overwhelmed. But

but...

That's pretty much normal - keep pushing on until it passes - keep doing what i can and then do a little more for everyone else. 

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch

G

what are streaks?

but things to be broken...

that social distancing TT series, ain't feeling it. Similar route to last week, three long slightly uphill segments and I'm just not feeling it this morning - been a long week, tired. Gonna rest and take it easy and just fucking not. Also I don't think anyone has done it yet, and scores haven't been run for the week before. AND the TT bike (aka the paramount) has a front flat. Happy it didn't happen on the ride but now it is just one more thing to do. I think i'm gonna pass on this, save the riding energy for tomorrow's MTB ride.

Sitting outside with coffee right now is pretty fucking awesome. It is that perfect morning to sit and drink coffee and hang out with the dogs and the squirrels. 

Not feeling the urgency to go ride. Not a big week on the bike but i managed to get on it every day i think, no assist, a day with nothing isn't so bad. 

There is a lot going on out in the world, it is troubling.

A brief bit of happiness is having someone else make dinner. That's what i've done pretty much every night forever. But since the start of the stay at home stuff and the oldest coming back from college, they have been cooking the odd meal or two and baking a lot. It is REALLY nice. Like wow, what is it like to always have really good food made for you. Can't imagine. Lux.

Some what of a new but same routine. Bike shop is changing. Feels odd to have been through this a couple times already. With the same group of people. First it was getting hired at 4th street, working for Caster's. They had long hours and was next door to ballet and kid needed orthodontics and we needed more cash and boom, went from hanging out to working there and haven't really looked back since. 

But then there was the transition from Caster's to NBX. There's a good long story behind those and maybe that's for another time, that transition wasn't really much of a big deal. Nothing really changed, but some stuff did. Suddenly we were three stores, and just before that I think I had started just assembling stuff. Schedule was tight and well, bikes came in, I put them together, and a big more than half all wound up being transferred and sold out of other locations. It was a good deal for me. BUT the shop wasn't air conditioned and there were no windows, just a door in the front and a door halfway down. Good ceiling fans but they just moved the gross summer air around. It was not fun in the summer, but I had my own bench in the back, I could hide and do my thing. It worked well. But the shop was always kind of hidden, off the beaten path. And eventually no more dancing.

About the no more dancing time NBX expanded and picked up the EP location, now 4 stores large. And then opened up in a new space on Hope street. Finally high traffic frontage. Downside was the interior layout sucked. I was building using a table and a stand, I'd have to set out my tools before I started and pack em up when i was done, there was no room for bikes and not many were being shipped in to the location and if customers were wandering around in the back they'd ask me questions and I wouldn't build as many. It was a light summer of bikes. Some weeks there was nothing to build. And then that manager went back to EP and asked me to move over and work there, sure. They put together a bench in the basement, I had my own ascend terminal and bench and peg board and i started cranking out bikes like a fucking machine. 

That's over now. Saying goodbye to that bench. We'll see where the next bench pops up, take some time this week to not think about bikes, maybe stay on with Matt and the NBX guys, it is a bit of a drive but there is some good MTB riding on the way there and back. The old shop, actually the Hope street, and Warwick as well as East Providence are switching over to become Trek Factory stores. They do things a bit differently and it wasn't going to be a great fit and the hours they are opened are longer and things are actually in s a stable enough place that I am not critically relying on that paycheck to pay bills. First time since I started the second job that I can say that. Took 10 years or so, I'm gonna guess that there was also a good fiscal boost when i stopped drinking. I never bought much of the fancy stuff, but if Torpedo was on sale, well that six pack was good for one night, even the daily six pack of gansett tall boys added up. Actually wound up saving money even though I was probably drinking more, when I switched to vodka. See it is all inter-related. Lots of good came out of the not drinking. Two years later and my eyes are recovering, still not as good as they once were. 

So I'm not going to go out and do the same loop with a twist on the TT bike. I'm going to relax (for a change), take it slow this morning. Head in and gather the beer truck bike (needs a chain and probably should just single speed it, gears are dumb) have to decide if I change the fork seals or not. Maybe not, I dunno, but probably should. Go hang out one last time with the old crew before everything gets dismantled. 

Maybe I'll grab the book and fill up the coffee and sit outside and read this morning while the rest of the house sleeps. 

be well, take care of yourself, take care of others, actively be anti-racists and

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch

G

a moment

Y'all know I was a big John Prine fan. 

And to be honest it doesn't feel right to share this much white right now but you've got till the 14th to watch this before it is pulled from Youtube.

it is well worth the time. I'll be perfectly honest, I teared the fuck up through most of it. But then y'all know I'm also an emotional bag of sticks.

Tall lanky sticks.

Brandi Carlile doing the three part harmony thing, holy fuck that was good...

hold on - i'm gonna rewind and watch that again, i'll be right back (starts right about at minute 32)

Watch in chunks and fits and starts or sit down all at once. But i'd suggest taking the time to watch this before it goes off the air.

there is other news and things are changing and people are still racist assholes.

Diversity and Inclusion

just a different take on 

Thoughts and Prayers

about as effective for making change...  if you aren't actually being anti-racists, start. 

Do something.

and the most important thing I think we need right now is to ensure everyone can vote - by - MAIL - in - every - state.

Will that happen before november? I hope so, maybe the continuing pandemic will finally get enough people sick enough that they'll wake the fuck up and do something about it... till then, wear your fucking mask.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch

G

Two Years

Thanks for joining me here, there's a lot going on. If you are one of those all lives matter folks and aren't adding all lives don't matter until black lives matter, you've got a problem. If you are saying but what about this group (cyclists) or something with limited or less value placed on their life. No you are not wrong but take that pain and use it to begin to understand where the BLM movement is coming from. 

I suspect no one making it this far along in following my random musing and brain dumps here is going to be shocked at me saying that and I be y'all probably feel the same. Now how we go about making it all happen is a bit of a variation I suppose. 

Remember it isn't enough to not be racists, you have to be anti-racist.

Every day. Support those around you.

You know do the same shit you do because you're a good fucking human and that is what we're supposed to fucking do! 

Anyway - with everything going on - yeah, it is a lot - a personal milestone has been reached. Kind of minor but not insignificant. Most of you who actually know me probably consumed a bazillion beers with me along this path of life - it was a defining factor of me. Like Jerry would say - you never knew how many beers I had until i was sick. 2-30 was no difference. And then '13/14 happened and the occasional AFD (alcohol free day) got fewer and farther between...  Until '18. Spring break I decided to stop. It was actually a long range plan that I had started in December. Knowing i needed to do something. That month off in may riding all those miles didn't do anything much except burn me out on the bike by the end of the year. But hey I joined the NECX HOTM club. Christmas '17 I had my last beer, switched to vodka and soda. or just vodka, or vodka and coffee, or whatever was around. March rolled around and I was drinking a fair bit, life was planned around stopping at the package store, making sure I had enough cash, it was kind of obsessive. Maybe you picked up on that part of me.

And I stopped. And it was a rough week but it was good. And then May happened, out of control, shit was a disaster and I went right back to where I was in March. almost 8 weeks off and right back to the same spot. Made it through massive events, major stuff, lots of drama, and then woke up hung over eyes all fucked up and saw that Anthony Bourdain had taken his own life. Another troubled passionate empathetic alchoholic. I had finished the bottle of vodka I had that night before. 

I was finished - it was it. Made the self commitment that I needed to make that change or very likely I'd be just like that before too long.

Being sober really didn't change much, hell no one noticed for a long time in the house. No one really seemed to notice at all. But the change was huge. And no - i didn't lose any weight. Still haven't.

Most tangible change was the attenuation of the highs along with the lows. I think it must have been how my dad was describing the depression meds he was on. Very little euphoria, but the darkness wasn't overwhelming and as terrifying and bleak. 

The other thing, I did it myself. for once in my life I found intrinsic motivation.  Fucking weird that. 

I had incredible role models, and the support from other sober friends was critical. Yes I did it alone but hearing their voices and getting their affirmation kept my resolve from cracking even the slightest bit. Social stuff was weird - and the most difficult. Already my new people fear, my inability to just start talking with people, or the shyness. Yeah yeah - i have two modes - shy and silent and internally terrified or overwhelmingly talkative. I am working on all that. The alcohol helped a little with that first shy part - didn't make it go away but let me be a bit more comfortable and all that. 

Re-learn.

That trauma lingers. It will never go away i think. It was a pain and a break that is so deep as never to heal completely. But such is life. The management has been easier since and i've been better at dealing with it as life goes on. 

Culturally the lets grab a coffee is very different than lets grab a beer. And theres been a good number of times when people just wont grab a beer with me because they don't want to drink a beer while I drink a club soda. But I've mentioned that. But I've also been around a few folks that are cool with it. Make it acceptable to be sober. Some of us kind of don't have a choice. But yes, every day we do have a choice. There's beer in the fridge, but i have no desire to drink it. None. Not even a craving. Cold bubbly water is good enough for me. Or just a big glass of flat water. 

I am reluctant to talk about the new wheels on the mountain bike, they are cool and I'm happy I could afford to get them but also don't want to talk about it right now, seems wrong. 

Being sober for two years seems good though. I try not to evangelize about sobriety, you do you, if you need someone to talk to about it, how to do it, I am happy to share the specifics in how, moving to vodka was very calculated btw, part of the plan. But I'm not pushing it on people. You have to come to terms with it yourself. Or I guess you can be like my brother or my Dad and have it forced on you. My dad lost his family, my brother didn't, both had a turning point set down by someone else. 

Then again I'm on the spectrum enough that no one really knows me or whats in my head. 

KF sent me a bronze token last year. It sits on my desk at work, I carried it around in my pocket for months but having the visual, picking it up. looking at it, it is a good reminder, first that i'm not alone and people get it, and even my friends who've been sober 30 years, or my friends who've been sober their whole life, the get it, it is a good group to be a part of. Nothing but love. Sounds strange but to be honest, feels right. 

The token says Amor Fati

and yeah, Amor Fati Motherfuckers now more than fucking ever.

seriously

do what needs to be done, act as you can with the sphere of influence you can sustain

heddwch

G

well

This song has been a bit too on point, even more so now:

where do we go from here

there's some serious dystopian shit going on.

There's TONS of counter information, lots of hey do this - don't do that.

Showing solidarity is important but it is important to do more than just that.

But also you should know your people well enough to know who is doing it just to do it, who is doing it because they believe if and who is so deep in the midst of waging the war that they aren't posting because they are in it.

It is curious all this effort and work and everything. 

They hypocrisy is visible to all, except those instituting it and those who can't see it because it has become an infallible religious belief. Y'all know what it is like arguing with a religious kook. You can't. that's what these folks are. 

there's been good info on explaining what's going on, how we got here...  and honestly most people are pretty fucking stumped on how to move past it. how to recover control...

No one knows. Action. Gonna take a shit ton of action.

Voting? yeah that too but people have to turn out in numbers, like every fucking person. Wait in lines - vote like your life depends on it. Will people remember that in November? 

Will we even have an election in November. At this rate? I just don't fucking know. 

We stick with bikes - we have to keep working, we need to support those who are doing the really hard work, and somehow we all have to figure out where to go from here. 

angry? yes...  furious...

you should be too

go out and do something

seriously time to

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch

G

If I didn't

worry so much in advance i'd be dealing with much bigger issues.

A personal reminder that sweating the details before hand and internalizing and agonizing over it all kind of sucks, but most of the time just means things will go more smoothly or you'll be more prepared to improvise.

Rehearsal eh? 

Tough in the moment to let your brain do the ground work and logistics w/o it triggering that worry and anxiety and negative feedback. 

Is it all going to work out? I don't know but it also feels good to make a hand-off to Pros cleanly. Let them do their job but provide information and options and let them choose the best path.

I did a quick open tabs since I'm here and the pro's are working both at home and on my microscope, and there was only Seth's stuff with new content since I last checked.

So instead of reading I'm writing. Sorry about that, and my stumbling fingers. Sure my spelling is terrible but half the time is it just fingers trying to keep up with the brain.

I pulled out the eBike - the crossrip plus - yeah the cranks are too short - but man it was nice. Headwind and still able to recover and get here in just over 25 minutes. In street clothes, w/o breaking a sweat, wearing boots. I even remembered to plug it in, instead of realizing it doesn't have enough charge to get home as I'm leaving. Yeah I run it on Turbo all the time, into the wind that sucks down a big pile of the electrons, more than with the tailwind and a lower assist mode. 

Slept terribly again last night - kept waking up, alarm set for 6am. Wide away at 5:20, light out. Got up anyway. 

If the 24 hour thing actually happens I'm going to have to get on top of the sleep/coffee issue. 

But if the 24 hr thing does happen, I feel pretty good about riding the singlespeed MTB for that whole time.

Not good about doing anything more than just finishing. I'm not in it to try and win, unless they maybe have a clydesdale singlespeed mid-fat tire category and I'm the only one in it. Then I'll go for the win, by doing the same thing I would.

Let your natural tendancies become strengths. It isn't easy, but leveraging innate predispositions is ultimately going to be better than trying to turn water into wine. Watering the grape vines will do that but it takes much longer, better to take what you have and figure out the best way to use it. 

Okay well - the deliveries are here - time to work through the checklist.

But first, [more] coffee.

heddwch

G

life keeps moving

And everything seems to happen at once. 

Critical update service visit at work starting at 10, and I have a dozen or so accounts to back up before that, and fence people show up tomorrow, totally perfect. Take time off to be here? Nope. But hey they are pro's I don't need to be here the whole time. Just move the cars out from the front of the house - set them loose. I hope.

Was already planning on taking the ebike tomorrow - double reason to, faster, don't have to change shoes. Saves time. And lets my legs recover after today.

Second Singlespeed MTB ride. 50.8 or 51.8 gear inches for those of you that it means something to. There were a few places it was just too steep and I had to get off and run uphill. 18 miles of chasing the XC guys and their super light fancy bikes. I did set 8 new PRs and a pile of 2nd and 3rd place times on all the segments. It felt good to be in the woods, if felt good to just float and fly and dodge and work hard and suffer mightily on the hills. 

There was less surfing than Arcadia last week, more grinding, more technical stuff. But the stuff that wasn't extensively steep uphill wasn't a problem. And maybe it is drying out enough to run the light tires, thinking about maybe putting those on the light wheels, although I do REALLY like the knob profile and the grip of the XR4s. Trade off eh? Grip vs Weight. At least in this monster size tire.

I slept really poorly last night - good combo of things, I'm sure I'm not the only one... I hope things sort out, and yes, focus locally, make an impact on your direct sphere of influence. 

Tomorrow will be what it is, Things will sort out and I can only control what my reaction is. It is okay for plans to change, and it will work out. 

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

words seem like a failure

The day's colors vibrant
No filter needed
Darkness all around
Hearts heavy with empathy
Minds overwhelmed with it all

Keep doing the little things.
Together we can ... pic.twitter.com/luWh1SRTUh

— GeWilli (@Ge_Willi) May 30, 2020

Wrote those words earlier - both in the IG and above SMs.  

I'm at a loss, and I can't even begin to understand, but the bit that I can, hurts, deeply. It isn't a depression it is a painful sadness, visceral. It hurts. Physically. I'm not equipped with the emotional tools to deal with this. I am grateful there are people who are. I'm sad that there are people so violently cruel, that wear a badge. 

I want to fix it all, I want to make it all better. 

I get a hold of myself, pull myself together and then like a fucking moron go back over to twitter and fuck...  start back at the beginning.

It was a slow start to the day, couldn't get out of my own way. 

Eventually made it to the shop, built the last non-drop bar, non-ebike bikes in boxes, put some cool drop bar bikes on the floor too. The process was helpful. I started slowly. Pausing to drink or eat, or listen, or just sit. Methodically though - brake, hub, limit screws, cable tension, headset, brake, hub, pedals, each task the same. But each time I started with something in a box and wound up with something someone could ride home. Specific, simple, productive. A task. I felt much better by the end of the day when I went home. 

But then not so much. 

Going to head out and go out for a MTB ride tomorrow...  find some strength riding the bike with one gear...

backspacing,

typing,

backspacing,

words can't capture everything i'm trying to say

not sure what can,

more than ever Amor Fati Motherfuckers

coming up on two years sober - the new normal - grateful that I am - can't imagine the cascade if I hadn't made the change when I did... the highs are still not there - the lows aren't as low though, and that is a blessing, esp right now. 

heddwch

G